02x02 - Pine Cones and Litter

[bunniefuu]

{\an8}This programme
contains strong language.

What the hell?

TOY CLATTERS

Sadie. Sadie? Dad?

Oh, my God.

DOOR SLAMS

- SOFTLY:
- Jesus Christ!

I thought she'd been kidnapped.

Who'd want to kidnap Sadie?

Who wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie?

What's wrong with her?
She's perfect.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
All right, love.

Have you had a big coffee
down the shops?

Yeah.

SADIE GURGLES

Why are all her toys outside?

Cos plastic is toxic.

I mean, if Sadie ate that,
she'd be in real trouble.

Because of choking? No, I've thrown
out everything that's choke-sized.

Choking is a hazard,

but ingesting or even touching
plastic is catastrophic.

I've been doing some research -
on the YouTube.

Oh, God.

All plastic is evil.

And I don't want to make
the same mistakes with Sadie

as I made with you and Catherine.

WHISPERS: I mean, she's in prison,
isn't she?

- WHISPERS:
- I know.

But not because she ate
the feet off her Barbie.

Although...

Well, what's she gonna
play with now?

Oh.

Ta-da.

It's all I could afford, you know.

They're really expensive -
that's how you know they're good.

-What does it do?
-Um...

Well, not everything
has to do something, Gemma!

SADIE COOS

Look!

She loves it. Look, look.

Look, a little car - look.

HE IMITATES CAR
He's coming round the corner.

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

He's coming round the corner.
What's he doin'?

HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES

DISTANT DOOR SLAMS

f*cking hell, Gem.

What?

That's the colour
that they wear on G Wing.

They'll have you scrubbing
the toilets

quicker than you can say,
"I used to be hot."

Yeah, well,
the beige hides the milk stains.

And I am still hot, thank you.

You asked your cute pharmacist
out yet?

No. Not yet.

But when I do, you know -

never been turned down.

IF you're sure
that you've still got it...

Got it?

No, I am it.

...then, um, well, you won't mind
doing me a teeny, tiny favour...

...and tugging my solicitor off.

- HISSES:
- That's not a favour!

That's like, I don't know -
as*ault?

Oh, no, no!

No, no. No, no, no.

He'll like it.

Cat!

He won't return my calls.

The answer is still no.

Ugh!

The old Gemma would have done it.

No, she wouldn't!

Anyway, just in case
you change your mind,

he really likes the sting

and the smell of anti-bac gel.

Don't ask me how I know that.

I'm not gonna.

{\an8}♪ Boop-boop, boop-boop

{\an8}♪ Boop... ♪

{\an8}DOOR SHUTS

{\an8}♪ Ba, ba, ba

{\an8}♪ Ba, ba, ba, boop. ♪

{\an8}-GIGGLES: I know!
-Hiya, baby.

{\an8}SADIE COOS

{\an8}Three lemons and a stick?

Er, three organic lemons!

Only the best for my granddaughter.

The stick's not organic, then?

It better be. It cost me a tenner.

Dad, I was wondering - how would
you feel about baby-sitting Sadie?

Well, what do you think I've been
doing for the last three hours?

No, I mean like all night.

Oh.

I kind of miss the old Gemma.

You know, the one
who went on dates, had fun.

I'd love to.

Can Derek come over?

Absolutely not.

Hiya.

Gemma, you look amazing.

Oh, really?

I've got you a present.

Wow.

-Yeah. -Thank you.
-It is

...a yellow box
of hypodermic needles.

That's... that's amazing,
that, Gemma. Thank you.

Didn't you give birth,
like, six months ago?

Mm-hm, but people keep hold of
these things for years, don't they?

Cos you can't just chuck them
in a bin, can you?

No. N-No, you can't, Gemma.
It's... It's medical waste.

Exactly.

Which is why I did not do that.

Er, look, sorry
if I've been a bit...

...distant, lately.

Have you?

It's just having a baby's
such a big thing,

and I was I thinking...

Well, I wasn't... I wasn't sure,

but I thought maybe
y-you'd want space.

Oh!

What I actually wanted was
some very large sanitary pads.

Yeah, er...
Yeah, 'course. Of course, sure.

I'm joking. It's a joke.

Ha-ha-ha.

SHE CHUCKLES

Do you want to have
a night out soon?

Yeah. Yeah. I would ab...
I would absolutely love that -

me, you and Cherry.

Yeah.

Or just me and you - alone.

Um...

I should have told you
he was seeing someone else.

I only found out myself
a few days ago

-when I popped in for more nit shampoo.
-Yeah, it's fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

It's OK not to be fine.

I missed my chance, didn't I?

Did I ever even have a chance?

Xander was really into you,
trust me. He just...

...moved on.

f*cking hell.

I mean, I just had a baby!

I know!
Men are very simple creatures.

SADIE COOS

All right, king?

-I brought supplies.
-Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

WHISPERS: Shut the door.

Right, come on.
Talk me through this outfit.

OK. So...

Oh, wow.

This is my weapons-grade
pulling dress, OK?

I wore this
on my best ever night out -

which we will be recreating tonight,
down to the very last detail.

I just want to snog
someone really fit.

And that.

Shush, shush, shush.

WHISPERS: - You'd
better stop shushing me!

You know I find it triggering.

And you do know that baby's
not asleep, don't you?

Gemma doesn't want you here.

Oh, f*cking b*tch.

Hey! Not in front of Sadie.

She's going to have to learn
sometime, Malcolm.

Anyway, I brought supplies.

Yeah, I don't drink around the baby,
do I?

It's not booze.

I got you a really big tub
of nappy creme.

Does it have plastic in it?

You know what? I don't know.

SOFTLY: Ohh, what's he like?
What's he like?

If you want me go, just say.

Just stay here
until Gemma's gone, all right?

Get that door.

You're complicit now, Sadie.

I'm not ready
to go through that again.

Pfft! It took me a year
to even look at Lance's todge

-after I gave birth.
-TMI, babe.

And when I did,
it was another eight weeks

before I could even touch it.

OK, am I forgetting anything?

Oh, er, passport.

-Yes!
-I was joking.

Well, no, we're not gonna
leave the country,

-but we might hire a yacht.
-In Stockport?

Yeah, the old Gemma did it - twice.

Oh.

Ooh, do you want to pump
those bad boys before we head out?

{\an8}Are you kidding?!

{\an8}These are working for me tonight.

SADIE BABBLES

OK, so,

if you want to take her
for a walk in the morning,

you've got nappies, wipes,
spare clothes...

Uh-huh.

Oh, ha-ha.

Er, don't think I need that, love.

THEY CHUCKLE

And if there are any problems...

Yeah, no, don't worry,
I'll just call you.

No, I was gonna say, "Can you try
and sort them out yourself?"

Er, yeah, sure.

Not if it's an emergency,

but try not call
if you can't find the cheese grater.

Or scissors.

Or batteries for the new remote.

-Yeah.
-Oh, yeah. OK.

HE CHUCKLES

I mean how much trouble
can one man and a baby get into,

sat in a flat all night?

Fire. Flood. Baby drinks bleach?

Right. Shut up.

-Hiya.
-All right, ladies?

Ha. Right. Hey. Pizza time?

You know what?
I'm feeling a bit adventurous,

so I might have that one
with an egg on it.

Oh, yeah, I should have said sooner,
boss man -

-we're going out.
-What? No.

No. Me and Sadie
are not leaving this flat.

No way.

So this kitten we're gonna pick up,

do you think it'll be
all right with Sadie?

You know, what if she gets a rash?
You still got that creme?

Yeah, I might have been fibbin'
about the kitten.

Oh... you!

God! Turn this car around.

Yeah, you know
I'm not gonna do that, Malcolm.

God! I've got one job
and that's to look after Sadie.

And to have coins for parking.

Relax, it's not like
I'm taking us all abseiling, is it?

HE GROANS

All right, look,
my eldest has informed me

that her mother
is getting remarried

and tonight is the engagement party.

Oh, mate, I'm sorry.

Obviously, I don't give a f*ck.

-OK. -Get your hands off me.
-All right.

Well, why are me and Sadie here?

You two are here to help me ruin her
night, just like she ruined my life.

DEREK SIGHS

MEN BICKER

Urgh, "British Tapas"?

Yeah, this place
might have changed a bit.

Ugh, it's giving banker w*nk*r.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

-Here she is.
-I'll catch up.

-Three of those, please.
-No problem.

-Er, Rita? -Mm?
-They're not ours.

So?

Have you had some tea?

You know, lined your stomach?

Well, my plan was to grab
a chip butty on the way here,

but I got myself
accidentally locked in a park.

The only thing to eat
was litter and pine cones,

and that's not a good tea
by anyone's standards.

You got locked in the park?

Yeah. But I'm fine now.

Do you want to tell us
what happened, then?

Not every single element of my life
is up for grabs as an anecdote.

-Oh.
-Right, I thought we'd start with White Russians.

Ooh!

-Boozy milkshake. -Mmm.
-Yum!

Well, what's up, Gemma, love?

Hey.

You said milk.

-Oh.
-Oh.

-It's Sadie's feeding time.
-Mm.

Babe, we can go if you want to.
This place is mid.

I don't want to go.

No, you know what?
I haven't had any action for months.

I am not leaving here
until I've been felt up,

-at the very least. -Mmm.
-Yeah.

Why don't you ask your dad
for a photo?

Ooh, yes, please.
Make sure you get his chest hair in.

Of the baby!

Well, I can have both!

Hey, come on.
I want to get battered.

Slow down.

Sorry.

Christ, this is gonna be
a right fun night, isn't it?

I'm not sure about this, mate!

OK, Malcolm, once again,
you're being a massive p*ssy.

Don't let me down. Come on.
This is life or death.

All right, my love, it's all right.
Grandad's here.

WHISPER: Derek.
Derek, I'm just a bit worried.

You know that she...

...she might see something
a bit untoward or something?

Oh, Malcolm, grow up.

It's a family boozer,
not a strip club.

OK. This is our little secret, OK?
Don't tell Mummy about this.

Good girl.

DOG YAPS

There's a dog in here.

There's a massive dog in here.
DOG WHIMPERS

All right?

Degsy.

So where's
this engagement party, then?

Wrong Red Lion, mate.

MESSAGE CHIMES

Look, Debs loved it here.
This is our Red Lion.

Not any more - she's changed.

She likes feta cheese now.

Oh!

Such a b*tch.

Oh, God!

It's from Gemma.

She wants a photo of Sadie
and we're not in the flat, are we?

Jesus Christ, Malcolm,
she's not expecting

a picture of her baby perched
on the f*cking cooker, is she?

Here. Just get in really tight.

Give it here. Give it here.
Go on. Go on.

-There you go. See? Right up close.
-CAMERA CLICKS

Piece of piss.

Can we go home now?

No. There are six other Red Lions

within a half-hour's
driving distance

of Debs' new place,
so we'd better crack on.

-Cheers, Gav.
-Cheers.

I want Debs barred by the way.

Consider it done.

DOG WHIMPERS

Hi. Shh, shh.

HE MUTTERS

Is that my baby's nose?

Did he take it in a cupboard?

"A proper one, please."

Right, come on.

So tell me - whatever happened
on this best-ever night out?

Oh, OK.

-So I drank c*ck.
-Ooh.

I danced until dawn.

I watched the sunrise with
a very gorgeous personal trainer

called Mason.

Who months later, gave me an STI,

but we'll skip over that bit.

Mason Groves?!

-Oh, my God, do you know him?
-Only by reputation.

My mate works at the knob clinic.

This is the last Red Lion
we're going into, you understand?

Yeah, you said that
three Red Lions ago.

Sadie's tired.

And I need to change her.

Is that a baby?

Yeah.

Why?

"Why is it a baby?"?

Why'd you bring a baby in here?

Um, is there possibly anywhere
I could change her nappy?

There's no ladies toilet.

There are no ladies!

There's no ladies.

I think... the gents are down there.

EXHALES: OK.

I'd better go
and check it out first, all right?

-All right. I'll wait here.
-Here y'are, take her. - What you doing?

Well, I don't want
to take her in there.

HISSES: There could be men in there,
couldn't there?! WHISPERS: - Hurry up!

DOOR OPENS

DOOR SHUTS

HE GRUNTS

I... I...

I wouldn't go in there, mate.

What, are the seats made of plastic?

And caked in sh*t.

HE SIGHS
PHONE VIBRATES

SOFTLY: Oh, God.

PHONE VIBRATES
HE GRUNTS

Dad, I asked you for
a proper picture ages ago.

Wait, where are you?

Er, I'm in the flat. Obviously.

Ha-ha.

MUFFLED COUGHING

Who's with you?

Is Derek there?

No, no. It's, um...

Foz.

Foz?

Hi, Foz.

What are you doing with my dad?

I'm having a piss.

He's joking. Yeah.

Oh, um, actually,
he's not joking, no.

Foz is a mate from work

and he's just come round
to use the toilet cos his broken.

You know,
so we're just in the bathroom.

You're in there with him?

Yeah, just... You know,
showing him the bath-mat.

Anyway, Sadie was asleep,
but she's awake now,

so I'll send you some photos,
all right?

OK. See you later.

HE EXHALES SHARPLY

HE PANTS

I think I got away with that.

Can I finish my piss now?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem.

Right.

SPLASHING

Why does your dad
look absolutely terrified?

Hmm.

What about him? He's nice.

-That's a yucca plant!
-Is it?

I thought it were a skinny lad.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right.

-Mmm!
-Ooh...

Now, THAT is a tasty snack.

Oh, if you're getting a snack,
Gemma, I would love some peanuts.

Yeah.

CHAIR SCRAPES

Oh!

I'm fine.

-Hey. -I'm fine.
-Hey.

-Is your friend OK?
-Mm-hm.

She's not had any tea, so...

SHE CHUCKLES

I'm Hodge.

Paul Hodgson. People call me Hodge.

-I'm Gemma. People call me Gemma.
-SHE CHUCKLES

Ah... ow!

Are you having a heart attack?

Oh! Oh, let's hope so!

THEY LAUGH

So tell me about yourself, then.

-Well, I work in...
-Actually, no, I can't do that -

I need to whimper.

SHE GROANS, SQUEALS

- HIGH-PITCHED:
- Cherry!

HE CLEARS THROAT

Oh. Yep.

SHE WHIMPERS

-Hi. -You OK, babe?
-My boobs are about to explode.

-Oh, right.
-WHISPERS: - Are they fake?

No, you bell end,
they're full of milk!

Oh, my God! Why?!

She's just had a baby
and she's missed a feed.

Oh! How do I make it stop?

You need to get the milk out. Um...

Shall I...
Shall I get a pen lid and a knife?

Why?

Like when people's throats swell up?

Stab the pen lid in
and release the pressure.

You want to perform a tracheotomy
on her t*ts?

Well, I don't know.

How do men know so little
about the female body?

-Right. Come on, babe.
-PAINED: - Mm!

-Rita, come here.
-OK.

Just getting my bag.

Right. That's it. I'm calling a cab.

Well, can I borrow Sadie, then?

-No!
-What? I'll bring her back!

Why did you even
drag us along tonight, eh?

SADIE FUSSES

The plan was...

...to turn up at the engagement party

and pretend I'd had a baby

with a much younger, fitter,
less-of-a-massive-b*tch woman.

God! And who was I in all this?

Personal assistant?

I know. I know it's stupid.
I just...

SADIE CRIES

I wanted Debs to think that
I was doing great without her

and I wasn't some...

- TEARFULLY:
- ..sad loser.

Oh, mate.

Come on.

MESSAGE CHIMES

-You're not a sad loser.
-Ohh!

Finally, the f*cking kids
have given me the actual address.

Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha!
Let's go, Malcs. Let's go!

Look, I'm gonna change her first,
though, OK?

-All right. All right. Come on.
-SADIE FUSSES

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

You need to self-express, babe.

Are you gently
massaging your breasts?

No, I'm punching them with bricks.

She shouldn't even be here.
She should be at home with her baby.

Who the f*ck asked your opinion?

Are you starting on me?

Oh, once I start...

-Mm! -..you'll know about it.
-Oh...

There's been a complaint.

KNOCKING

Miss?

Yeah, no milking in here
and I need you to leave.

- SOFTLY:
- What?

Did you grass?

PHONE LINE RINGS

MALCOLM: Oh, no, it's Gemma.

Dad? We're coming home.

Oh... no, no. Don't do that.

Yes, I do need to do that
cos I need to pump.

HORN HONKS

Disgusting.

Oh, my God, are you not at the flat?

-What?!
-Um...

Where are you?

I'm in Derek's car.
We're going to The Red Lion.

Which Red Lion?

We'll drop you a pin.
Do join us, Gemma.

-Oh, f*cking knew it.
-I'm sorry!

LINE BEEPS

- WHISPERS:
- Don't apologise.

Oi, Rita!

Are you coming or what?

Oh, get me a Bacardi and coke!

And I'll catch you up.

Hey! Don't touch my hair, Naughty.

Yes, Mummy.

MUFFLED CHATTER

HE GROANS

-Right.
-Oh, Derek...

-Give me that bag.
-Er, I can explain...

DOOR OPENS

- GEMMA:
- Ow.

-QUIETLY: - Why is it so painful?
-Um...

OK. So, here's the plan.

No. There is no plan, OK?

I need to express
this incredibly painful milk

and pour it down the sink
cos it's probably 30% Chardonnay

and then I'm taking my baby home.
OK?

Disabled toilets?

-At least you get your own sink.
-Yeah. -Why are you so spiteful?

You can't just give me two f*cking
minutes to go find my ex-wife,

bring her over, and introduce you
as my hot new girlfriend, can you?

Have you lost your f*cking mind?

Gemma, everyone says
we'd make a great couple.

Malcolm says it all the time.

Would it hurt
just to play along, eh?

I mean, Debs is a real b*tch.

Apparently.

Derek! You made it!

You invited me?

-Yeah, 'course I did. Ages ago.
-MALCOLM CHUCKLES

Oh, did you not get it?

Andy's been eating the mail.

Who the f*ck do you two
hanging around with?

Me and the kids have been
a bit worried about you.

I'm fine.

SADIE FUSSES

Oh, hello!

Oh, who's this gorgeous
little thing?

-Sadie.
-Oh!

-She is my new daughter.
-Oh, we're not doing that, are we?

Mm-hm. And this is her mother -
my beautiful fiancee, Cherry,

who is also really f*cking hot
and not a total harpy.

Fiancee?

Don't f*cking dare.

And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm.

Kevin Coaster.

Malcolm... Kevin Coaster.

OK.

Well, it's an improvement
on last time we saw you, eh?

THEY CHUCKLE

See that? Total f*cking b*tch.

She seems really nice.

Are you sure she's a b*tch, mate?

-TEARFULLY: - She's wonderful.
-Oh, mate.

She's the love of my life
and I messed it up, Malcom.

There you go, mate. There you go.

Come on.

DEREK SOBS

You know what to do, don't you?

Yeah. Yeah.

DEREK SOBS

KNOCKING ON DOOR

SHE SIGHS

Hello.

So much for a fun night out.

CHERRY LAUGHS

It's been pretty sh*t.

Ever miss your life
before the twins?

Oh, God. I did at first.

When you're in the thick of it,
you're thinking,

"What have I done? Why two
at the same time? That's nuts."

And, "Can I leave the one that
does not stop crying under a bush?"

But when you realise

you're their entire universe.

There is no going back
to your old life.

More importantly, you don't want to.

Thanks.

If it helps,
I really like new Gemma.

And Sadie f*cking adores her.

MUFFLED YELLING

YELLING

- SOFTLY:
- f*ck!

ANGRY CHATTER

-Oh!
-Oh, my God.

Dad!

CHERRY, SADIE GASP

No, it's OK.

It's fine. Look,
they're not made out of plastic.

HE CHUCKLES

-Want to leg it before the police turn up?
-Yeah.

-God.
-Come on.

Sorry, Debs.

-f*ck you, Marcus.
-Um...