01x02 - Salesman

[bunniefuu]

The following programme
contains strong language,

and scenes of a sexual nature.

Please be aware that this programme
also contains themes of suicide.

[FAINT PANTING, MOANING]

[PANTING CONTINUES]

[CONTEMPLATIVE STRINGS MUSIC]

Bun.

Bun, look at me.

What? He's not awake, is he?

No. Look at me.

Feels different.

What? Yeah.

Yeah, like it...
like it's bigger than us now.

It's cosmic.

Bun.
What?

It feels divine.

I love it.

I love having your baby.

And Bun...

I f*cking love you, Bunny.

[MOANING SOFTLY]

Yeah.

[CONTEMPLATIVE STRINGS MUSIC FADES]

Dad?

What are we gonna do now?

[SIGHS, GRUNTS]

We're gonna get out there
and shake that money tree,

is what we're gonna do.

[SIREN WAILS DISTANTLY]

Come on, Junior!

GEOFFREY: Oh, last thing,

-and don't stop me if you've heard - this one before.
-Alright, Bun?

Alright, Ray?
What's green and smells of bacon?

Kermit's finger!

[LAUGHING]
f*cking...

Yeah, OK, I'll see you later.

[CHUCKLES]
[PHONE CLACKS DOWN]

How you doing, my friend?

Tip f*cking top. Always.

So, er... So what you doing here?
What do you think?

I'm ready to go, so I need the list.

Listen, Bun.

When I lost my Hilda,
it took a while.

I'm fine.
Why don't you just take some time?

There is no time.

I need to get out there,
get warmed up.

What for?
One week, 'til the big one.

What, the expo?
There'll be others, Bun.

Nah.

There won't.

It's an annual event, Bun.
It happens every year.

[RADIO PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTING, GROANING]

Oh, Christ,
what happened last night?

You brought shame to the house
of Eternity Enterprises.

Yeah, I also pissed myself.
[ALL LAUGH]

Alright, Bun?
Alright, Poodle?

-Yeah, I'm going down the Bedford - for a little drinky-poos.
-I'll come.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

We've gotta hit the road.

What, no school today?

We're shaking the money tree.
Getting ready for the big one.

Right, Dad?
Right.

Now, Geoffrey, if you'd be so very
kind, give me the f*cking list.

OK, Bunny. You're the boss.

No, Geoffrey, you're the boss.

I just happen to be the only guy
in this two-bit operation

who has the faintest f*cking idea
how to sell anything.

RAY: He's not wrong.

♪ Oh, baby

[UNNERVING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's a commitment

♪ It's a commitment, baby

♪ M-M-My wife don't like it

♪ My wife don't like it!

♪ It's a commitment, yeah

♪ We gotta love one another
or die, brother

♪ We gotta love one another or die

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Cos it's superglue

♪ It's superglue

♪ It's superglue, baby!

♪ Knock 'em dead

♪ Knock 'em dead! ♪

[SLAMS BOOT]
Ee-yah.

[POODLE LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

My gift to you.

She lives in Newhaven. Ouch.

You will find her

the most accommodating customer.

You think I've lost it, Poo?

No. Course not. Course not, mate.

I just thought it might help
with the grieving process.

If I ever need your freebies,
Poodle, I'll ask for them,

at which point you can
sh**t me in the head.

[CHUCKLES]

Love you.

Love you too.
Now f*ck off.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[KISSES]

[THUMPS BOOT]

♪ PRIMAL SCREAM: Movin' On Up ♪

What now?

We're gonna relieve some boobs
of their cabbage.

What?

We're gonna sell some stuff.

Yeah.

♪ My light shines on

♪ Shines on... ♪

Dad?

What does "shaking the money tree"
actually mean?

It's like this.
[MUSIC STOPS]

If you walk up to an oak tree,

one of those big solid b*stards with
roots that grow deep in the soil,

you walk up to a tree like that
and give it a shake, what happens?

I don't know.
[SCOFFS]

Nothing bloody happens, does it?

You could stand there shaking it
all day long,

all that's gonna happen is
your arms will get tired, right?

Right?
[GROANS]

Yeah. Course.

But if you walk up to a skinny,
dry, f*cked-up little tree

with a withered trunk and a few
leaves clinging on for dear life,

and you put your hands round it
and shake the sh*t out of it,

as we say in the trade,
then those bloody leaves

are gonna come flying off, right?

So, the oak tree's the rich b*stard,
and the skinny tree's the poor sod

who hasn't got any money.
You with me?

Now, that all sounds easier
than it is, Bunny Boy.

Do you wanna know why?

Mm. OK, Dad.
Cos every f*cking b*stard and his dog

has got hold of the little tree and
is shaking it for all it's worth.

The government, the bloody landlord,
the lottery they don't have a chance

in hell of winning,
all the useless sh*t they see on TV,

the fruit machines, the bookies,
every b*stard and his three-legged,

one-eyed, pox-ridden dog is shaking
this little tree for all it's worth.

So...

...you've got to set yourself apart.

You've got to have something
they think they need,

above all else.
What's that?

Hope.

The dream.

You've got to sell them the dream.

What's the dream?

Me.

Right. [CLEARS THROAT]

Not you.

You're the navigator.

You're in charge of the map.

Making sure we're headed
in the right direction.

Very important job. You up for it?
Yeah!

So, what do I do now?
You wait in the car.

OK.

Alright, boys?
MAN: f*ck off.

You know,
it's that time of night, boys.

What you looking at me for?

Now, let's see what we have here.
Amanda, I've got you down

for the Moroccan rose bath oil,
re-nutriv lifting cream,

plus you wanted the dermo-expertise
eye solace, and...

bottle of scotch
and a good night's sleep.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right. With my kids?
Know what I mean?

Now, Zoe,
I'm very disappointed in you.

Oh, Zoe, he's disappointed.
Uh-oh.

You've ordered the geranium
and orange bath oil,

and the eye solace, but,
and it pains me to say this,

you've not ordered
the lifting cream.

[GASPS] Oh, you absolute fiend.

Am I in trouble, Mr Munro?


Liquid heaven.

Barry White in a bottle.
That's a big bottle, innit?

[ALL LAUGH]

Amanda.

You know what baffles me,
is why a woman as fine as yourself

feels it justifiable to deny her body

the very thing it aches for.

I'm very, very disappointed in you.

Buy the bloody cream.
Alright.

[LAUGHS] I'll take it.
Marvellous.

Now, Georgia.

[CHUCKLES]

I've got you down for the bath oil,
the hair mask,

the pro-collagen night cream, and...

...anything else?

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]
Anything?

Um...

I know.

A f*cking good seeing to.

[ALL LAUGH]
Now...

Ladies!

I am shocked
and quite frankly appalled,

I'm a bona fide professional.
Oh, yeah?

Then again, they do say
that a satisfied customer

is a loyal customer,
so we can't leave you...

...unsatisfied.

Can we?

No.

[DOOR OPENS DISTANTLY]

CHILD: Mum?
[SIGHS]

Go and watch telly. Go.

Out you go. Go on.

Come on.

Yours?

Er, yeah.

Precious.

Er...

Um... er, do you have any kids,
Mr Munro, or...

Yeah, I do. A boy.

ALL: Oh.
How old is he?

Seven? Ten, maybe?

[CHUCKLES]

[UNSETTLING, PENSIVE MUSIC]

I'm afraid, ladies,
that time has crept up on me.

Oh, don't go yet.
Come on, it's still early.

[DOOR SHUTS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[DOG BARKING DISTANTLY]

[MUFFLED, INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CUTLERY CLINKING]
[NEWS JINGLE PLAYS ON TV]

REPORTER: 'A pleasant day's shopping
in Birmingham descended into chaos,

when the man now dubbed
"The Horned k*ller" appeared.

Horrified witnesses noted
the presence of fresh blood

on the garden fork he wields.

Residents of Birmingham
have been advised...'

It's time to get
the hell out of this town.

It's turned.

It's gone sour.

Me too?

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Yeah, why the f*ck not?

OK. Great.

Where are we gonna go?
Where do you wanna go?

Mummy always said she'd like
to live in the countryside one day.

On a farm.
I think I'd like that too.

Okie-dokie, a farm it is.
Yeah?

Cool! Can we have animals?

It'd be a pretty crap farm
with no animals, wouldn't it?

Yeah. Pretty crap alright.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Can we have chickens?
Course we can.

And cows?
Flocks of them.

Herds.
Them too.

And a great big horny bull.

And... an alligator.

But...
f*ck it, two big b*stard alligators.

But we don't get
alligators on a farm.

Well, you do on our farm, mate.

Eh?

OK.
Right, come on then, navigator.

♪ THE FALL: Hit The North Part 1 ♪

♪ Hit the North!

♪ Woo! Hit the North!

Oh, yeah, good lad. Good lad.

[CAR HORN HONKS]
Alright, mate!

He's only having a go, you pillock!

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

♪ Hit the North!

Bingo. Right.
Come on then, navigator.

Your chance to shine.

Where are we going?

Um...

Charlotte Parnovar, Shoreham.

-Have you been there before?
-No, but I know we're gonna have some fun.

Are we?

Yeah.

Shoreham...
Shoreham, it's right there.

Ow! [SIGHS]

What is wrong with you?

I told you, it's my eyes.

I need cream.

Mummy used to get it
from the chemist, but...

Alright. Here's what we'll do.

I'll drop you at a chemist,
and while I go and take care

of the lovely Charlotte Parnovar,
you can get your cream, alright?

On my own?

Yeah. I'll be quick.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah. Suburban girls.

They're all the same.

Trapped in their immaculate
little identikit houses.

They contact the office asking
for a free demonstration

of this cream and that balm.
Whatever.

Know what they really want?
What they're secretly praying for?

What's that?

A real man to smash
through their doors

and tear their f*cking lives
apart for half an hour.

And that's you, right, Dad?

That's absolutely right,
Bunny, my boy.

♪ Hit the North! ♪

[MEN SHOUTING ROWDILY]

Er...

There's a chemist
down on the high street.

You go and get your cream. OK.

Listen, I won't be long,
so you go and get your cream,

then come back and wait for me here,
on those steps.

Good?

[TENDER MUSIC]

Don't talk to strangers!

f*ck's sake.

[TENDER MUSIC CONTINUES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

CHARLOTTE: Frida Kahlo.

Beautiful, isn't she?

You OK?

Yeah.

Just not quite feeling myself today.

Anyway, let's get back to business,
shall we?

So, this replenishing cream
is just heaven for the tootsies,

Miss... May I call you Charlotte?

Sure.
Well, you can call me Bunny.

Bunny?

[SNIFFING SHARPLY, JAGGEDLY]

You are joking, right? [LAUGHS]

Er... I'm deadly serious.

And you know what they say
about bunnies.

What do they say?
Well, you know, that they...

I don't know what they say.

They...

Does this routine actually
work on the ladies, Bunny?

Yeah.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Did you just wink at me?

Maybe.

Oh, you are beyond belief.
So they tell me.

Now, this rub will make you feel...

Where did you crawl from, Bunny?
The tar pits?

...like the princess
you've always deserved to be.

You're a dodo.

-You should have a sign hanging round - your neck saying "Extinct".
-Hey.

I don't know what you think
is going on here, but...

...I'm just trying to do my job, OK?

Trying to make a living,
trying to provide for my son.

Your son? You've got a son?
Yeah.

Where is he?

He...

He's waiting for me.

Lucky boy.

I'm sorry, Mr Munro.

I've gone too far.

I think I've wounded you.
No.

You haven't.

It's alright.

I just need to use your bathroom.

What?
Yeah.

Been on the road all day.

Need to go so much I can taste it.

[GASPS] Oh, you're a class act.

It's down the hall.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[TOILET SEAT CLACKS]

[ZIPPER RASPS]
[EXHALES]

[MUMBLING] f*cking b*tch.

[URINE TRICKLING]
Yeah, go on, have that.

[EXHALING]

Stupid woman.

Get it on your carpet.

[SIGHS]

And on your f*cking magazines.

Go on.

[EXHALES] What a piss.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

[CHUCKLES] Ah.

Yeah, where's your toothpaste?

Naughty, naughty.

[ROWDY SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE]

Can I help?
Yes, please.

I need some eye cream.

Cora, erm...

Cora...
Chloramphenicol?

Yes.

[SEAGULLS CAWING DISTANTLY]

That's £3.98 then, please.

[CASHIER BUTTONS BEEP]

[ROWDY SHOUTING OUTSIDE GROWS LOUDER]

Can I stay in here for a little bit?

OK.

Are you OK?

I think so.

My mum usually does it.

Right. And where's your mum?

She's dead.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

She must have wanted to die.

That's why it's not so sad.

So...

who's looking after you?

My dad.

We're on the road.

Shaking the money tree.

That means selling.

And where is he now, your dad?

I don't know.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

Bingo.

Right, do you wanna buy
any of this sh*t or not?

I detect a note of hostility.

Yeah, well, us dodos
get like that sometimes.

What are you gonna do about it?

I'm gonna ask you to get
the f*ck out of my house.

I'm leaving.
But just so you know,

I just pissed all over your bathroom.

What?

All over the walls, the carpet,
your woman's magazines...

You what?
Your f*cking toothbrush.

Argh! What are you...

Argh!

Ow! [SUITCASE THUDS]
f*ck off!

And you can take these,

and shove them up your arse!
What the...

♪ THE KILLS: Fried My Little Brains ♪

f*ck!

♪ On my back

♪ Got six little milk teeth

♪ All gone bad

♪ Won't move over, won't get gone...
[CAR HORN HONKS]

♪ Won't move over

♪ Fried my little brains...

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Fried my little brains... ♪

[CHUCKLES]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]

MAN: We should f*ck him up.
MAN 2: Yeah, man.

This is our f*cking scene.
Just smash him.

[TENDER MUSIC]

[SIGHS] I almost forgot your face.

Sweetheart, I think you
ought to go to your nan's.

Yeah?

She doesn't want me.

She doesn't want to help your dad.

If you asked her...

But me and Dad are gonna get a farm.

Oh, yeah.

With the crocodiles.

I just think maybe
your dad's not brilliant

at looking after anyone
who isn't your dad.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[HONKING]

Guess he's not much good
at that either.

Junior!

Well, he didn't hang himself
from the curtains, did he?

Are you alright?

Question:

who's the coolest f*cking dad
in the world?

[ENGINE REVS]

Whoa!

It's amazing!
Wait 'til we get up to the room,

Bunny Boy, you're gonna love it. I'm gonna
show you the weirdest thing in the world.

What?
I'm talking completely whacko Jacko.

What?
No, I mean seriously, like,

off the planet, Janet.
What?

The tiniest f*cking soaps you've
ever seen in your entire life.

[BELL DINGS]

[KNOCKS ON DESK]

Can I help you?
Certainly you can.

Nicest room you've got.

Where did you get that?
Where did I get...?

Bunny Boy, you are aware
you're talking to the primo,

creme-de-la-creme number one salesman
in the whole of Brighton, right?

Yeah. Course.

I could sell a bicycle
to a barracuda.

Our Elizabeth Room, sir.

Elizabeth.

I could sell two bicycles
to a barracuda. I'm telling you.

Mate, I could sell
the whole bloody bike shed.

Come on, you bald prick,
give me some good news.

GEOFFREY: 'We've had a complaint.

Woman called and said
she had some money missing.

Now, obviously I told her
that we at Eternity Enterprises

are not in the habit
of employing thieves,

but she's threatening
to ring the police, Bun.

Um, also, erm...
your dad's carer called...'

You were right about the soaps, Dad.

They're so tiny.

Can you teach me?

How to be a salesman like you?

I'm not a very good navigator,

and I don't like being
left on my own.

Yeah?

OK.

Really?

Teach you everything I know.

What you doing?
Shaking the money tree.

[LAUGHS]
Give me the flipping money!

[CHUCKLES]

[EXHALES]

[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC]

[EXHALES]

Ah, go on. Into bed.

[GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[PILLS RATTLE]
[SIGHS]

LIBBY: Look at me, Bunny.

Look at me.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

That's all you had to do, Bun.

Stop looking everywhere else.

We had it all.

I wanted it.

So why didn't you take it, you dope?

Don't know.

Yes, you do.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

♪ THE CURE: A Forest ♪

[SIGHS]

[BOTTLE GLUGS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[ENGINE REVS]

♪ Come closer and see

♪ See into the trees

♪ Find the girl

♪ While you can

♪ Come closer and see

♪ See into the dark

♪ Just follow your eyes... ♪

[MUSIC FADES]

PAMELA: Bit late for a sales call,
isn't it?

It's, um...

never too late to experience the...

wonder of this hypoallergenic...

...er, rejuvenating...

Your mate told you
where I lived, didn't he?

And what did he say about me?

He said you were a most
accommodating customer.

Oh, did he now?

Most obliging, he said.

Generous, even.

Tell me more about the cream.

[SOFT, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

Well, Pamela,

this rich,

hydrating,

age-targeting...

lotion...

Are you alright?

It's been a hard day.

[SIGHS]

Do you like p*ssy, Bunny?

I love it.

How much do you love it?

I love it beyond all things.

I love it more than life itself.

Do you love my p*ssy?

Yeah.

I do.

I love it beyond all reason.

I love it 'til the cows come home.

Come and get it.

What's your name?

Penny Charade.

What's yours?
Bunny.

Bunny?

Bunny Munro.

I've got a feeling about you.

I think things are gonna
get a whole lot worse.

I know.

[BOTH BREATHE HEAVILY]

♪ NICK CAVE & THE BAD SEEDS:
Babe, I'm On Fire ♪

♪ Well, Father says it,
Mother says it

♪ Sister says it, Brother says it

♪ Uncle says it, Auntie says it

♪ Everyone at the party, I'm on fire

♪ Well, babe, I'm on fire

♪ Well, the horse says it,
pig says it

♪ Judge in his wig says it

♪ Fox and the rabbit
And the nun in her habit

♪ I'm on fire

♪ Yeah, babe, I'm on fire

♪ Well, my mate Bill Gates says it

♪ The President of the United States
says it

♪ The slacker and the worker

♪ The girl in her burqa

♪ I'm on fire

♪ Yeah, babe, I'm on fire

♪ Yeah, the general
with his tank says it

♪ The man at the bank says it

♪ The soldier with his rocket

♪ The mouse in my pocket, I'm on fire

♪ Yeah, babe, I'm on fire

♪ Well, the drug-addled wreck

♪ With the needle in his neck says it

♪ The drunk says it, punk says it

♪ The brave Buddhist monk

♪ I'm on fire

♪ Well, babe, I'm on fire

♪ Alright, now... ♪