01x05 - Dead Man

[bunniefuu]

The following programme
contains strong language

and scenes of a sexual nature.

[DEEP, ETHEREAL MUSIC]

[BRIGHT PIANO NOTES]

[WIND HOWLING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[ETHEREAL MUSIC FADES]

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

[STIRS SOFTLY]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[ON RADIO] '..to keep the whole
family entertained this summer,

we've got just the ticket!

JINGLE:
♪ Sunshine, laughter, come and see

♪ Butlins is the place to be

♪ Let's go Butlins! ♪
Go Butlins!

'Butlins, our true intent...'
"Our true intent,

all for your delight."
f*ck me, did you just hear that?

Butlins.
What's Butlins, Dad?

What's Butlins? Only the best
holiday camp in the whole world.

My dad took me when I was a kid.

[CHUCKLES]

Christ, my old man.

I don't remember him.
Bunny Boy, he was unbelievable.

I thought we were working
out on the road, you know.

Couldn't believe it when
we pulled up, saw the sign,

"our true intent," realised he was
taking me away, the two of us.

As soon as we got to the room,
he sends me off to the pool,

says he'll be down in a bit.

Ages I was there,

floating around like a crocodile,
watching all these kids,

all these families splashing about.

I saw him in the end. Bar.

[WIND HOWLING]
This little tiki bar they had.

Shirt on, jacket,
pomade in his hair, the lot.

And now,

I know exactly why
we've gone to Butlins.

Course,
he's got some raunchy tete-a-tete,

some liaison kangaroo
with some slapper.

[ZIPPER RASPS]

And I watched them
just having a drink and a chat.

[URINE TRICKLING]

I see the way she's looking at him.

This look in her eye, just...

helpless.

Yeah.

He was f*cking incredible,
my old man.

Then they finish their drinks
and off they go, you know.

Off he goes.

And there I am, in this pool still,

getting chilly now, and then...

...I feel it.

Like heat on my back.

And I turn around, and there,

sitting on the edge of the pool,

was this girl.

And she was smiling at me.
[BROODING MUSIC]

Watching me.

And I gotta tell you, Bunny Boy,
she had the most beautiful eyes

I've ever seen in my entire life.

And something came over me.

Like I was filled up with this...

power.

So, I kind of glided towards her,

and the closer I got,
the more she was smiling.

And all the emptiness
that I felt in here...

...just went away.

And I knew then

what I was put
on this stupid planet to do.

That I had it, what he had.

That gift.

And I didn't need anything else,
because I knew

that one day

I could be just like him.

This man.

Never wanted, never needed,

just took the world in his hand
and squeezed it f*cking dry.

The great Bunny Munro the First.

[WIND WHISTLING]

[MUSIC FADES]
[SIGHS]

[BOTTLE CLANKS]
Right.

Let's go see Grandad.

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪ Oh, baby

[UNNERVING THEME MUSIC]

♪ It's a commitment

♪ It's a commitment, baby

♪ M-M-My wife don't like it

♪ My wife don't like it!

♪ It's a commitment, yeah

♪ We gotta love one another or die,
brother

♪ We gotta love one another or die

♪ Oh, baby

♪ Cos it's superglue

♪ It's superglue

♪ It's superglue, baby!

♪ Knock 'em dead

♪ Knock 'em dead! ♪

[HANDBRAKE CLICKS]
[ENGINE STOPS]

[BELLS TOLLING DISTANTLY]

Ready?
OK.

Right, let's go.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

[BREATHLESS PANTING ON TV]
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

BUNNY SNR: Piss off! I'm busy!

Alright, Dad? It's me.

Bunny.

[WOMAN MOANING ON TV]

Oh, man.

[MOANING ON TV CONTINUES]

Perhaps we can turn this off?

[SWITCH CLICKS]

[GROANS] Who cares?

f*cking thing don't work
no more anyway.

You look well.
f*ck off!

[LAUGHS]

[COUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Give us a f*g then.

Maybe I should make you
a nice cup of tea.

I don't want a nice cup of tea.

[GRUNTING SOFTLY]

[LIGHTER CLICKS]
[COUGHING]

[CIGARETTE FIZZLES]
How you doing?


and I go and get cancer,

how the f*ck do you think I'm doing?

Is there anything I can do?

You?

You must be f*cking joking.

[CHUCKLES]

[COUGHS]

Let me go and make you some tea.

I told you,
I don't want any f*cking tea!

[COUGHS VIOLENTLY]

[SWITCH CLICKS]
[BIRD TWEETS]

Don't break that, son,
it's worth a bloody fortune.

Sorry, Grandad.
Here, leave that bloody bird alone

and come over here to Grandpa.

I hope you break his heart.

I hope you break it
like he broke mine.

Jesus.

Leave him alone.
And give us a f*g.

f*ck off and buy your own.

[COUGHS HEAVILY]

[COUGHING CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]

Your f*cking dad...

I tried to teach him the business.

Antiques.

Mm. A real man's game.

I showed him the most lovely things
a boy could wish to see.

Oh, come on.
You shut our f*cking hole.

You are beyond recall!
You are a lost cause!

But we might still be able
to save the kid.

If he'd just use his ears.

Down on Tom Tiddler's ground,
we were.

Picking up gold and silver.

I had a nose for it, you see.
I could smell

a piece of Chippendale,

a box of Georgian silver
under the stairs,

pretty bit of French,

tasty bon du jour.

Mm.

Those old girls,

give 'em a few words

and that special look,

"Well, can we do business now,
madam?"

And I'd have
that Sheraton escritoire

off the old b*tch for a song.
[CHUCKLES]

A lovely bit of serpentine.

Not a single straight line on it.

I had the gift.

I was a f*cking master of the art.

And he...

ended up peddling toilet brushes.

Beauty products.
f*cking door to door.

By appointment.
Watch out, ladies!

Here comes the bog roll man!
Come on, Dad.

Come on?! Come on?!

Yeah, come on.

I gave you my name,

and you made
a f*cking mockery of it.

You broke my heart.

You dashed the cup from my lips.

You little c**t.

I tried.
What? Did you?

Tried? Did you?

f*ck off. f*ck off!

[COUGHS]

Here.

You're not gonna end up
a nobody like him, are you?

My dad could sell
a bicycle to a barracuda.

What did you say?

Dad.

[DARK, OMINOUS MUSIC]

Dad...

Do you mock me? Huh?
Dad.

Do you f*cking well mock me?!
Stop.

What did you say?
I said stop. Please.

What did you f*cking say to me?!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Look at you.
You not been listening to me, boy?

You are beyond help.

You both are.
[EXHALES]

[GRUMBLES]

Get him out of here!

[DARK MUSIC CONTINUES]

I'm dying, son.

Dad...
[DOOR SHUTS]

I don't think he'd sell
many beauty products.

[IMITATES COUGHING]

"Please can you buy..."
Don't you f*cking dare.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

WAITRESS: Having one of those days.
You alright?

Yeah, no, I'm good. I nearly
missed the bus this morning.

You know when you're sort of running
and sweating and your hair's all...

[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

Shall we go home, then?

Probably should.

I think they'll be
missing me at school.

Even Miss Crosby.

Might be alright.

We can make the flat nice.

I could keep all of Mummy's
stuff in my room

if we need to make space, so...
What?

You know what it is tomorrow,
don't you? The expo.

Deluxe and delightful. The big one.

We're still going?

[SLAMS TABLE]
Course we're f*cking going!

We're shaking the money tree,
boy, aren't we?

Milking the jolly green cow,

grabbing the moolah,
and gleaning the beans.

We are, as they say in the trade,
looting and pillaging.

We are doing what
we were born to do.

It's in our blood. You hear me?

We are vampires, we are vultures,

we are a frenzy of piranha
flenching a water buffalo.

We are barracuda...

Hi.
We just open our great big jaws,

and all the little fishies
come swimming in.

Rah!

He's nearly here, you know.

Could be just around that corner.

Could be just outside that door.
And the big question is,

who's he gonna get next?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, lucky for you, Emily,

you've got the world's biggest
bunny here to protect you.

Eh? [SNIFFS]

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, right.

[SNIFFING]

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Jesus Christ.
She's the image of Kate Moss.

Only, you know, fatter and uglier.

Oi!

Fancy a little toot?

Outside?
Dad, I think she's busy.

Here we go.

And she's gonna ask her boss
to go on her break.

Just gonna nip out for a smoke.

You'll be alright for a few minutes

if I get you an ice cream
or something, won't you?

Dad, I think we should go.
What's that?

I said I think we should go.
Don't worry, boy.

Won't take long.
Won't take me long at all.

Hey! Come on.

[WHISTLES]
Dad...

What?!

Oh, hello.

Alright there, mate?
It's time to go.

Oh, yeah? Where you going?

Well, you need to leave.

OK. What did you just say to her?

What?
Listen, mate, I get it.

You know, you've been
chipping away for months,

trying to work up the courage
to ask her out to the pictures,

dreaming of a peck on the cheek
at the end of the night,

maybe a bit of lights-out missionary
on date number 340-f*cking-six,

then along comes Bunny,

throwing a monkey wrench up
in your whole programme.

What you talking about?
Well, f*ck it!

We're busy.

Things to do, people to see.

Come on, boy, we're going.

[DARK MUSIC]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Jesus Christ,
that little pigeon of a boy

is gonna tell Bunny Munro
what to do?!

She should complain!

Take it straight to corporate!

She's entitled to a five-minute
break every hour!

That's employment law!

Oh well, f*ck it, Bunny Boy.

We're back in the game. Eh?

f*ck, f*ck.

f*ck. f*ck.

Don't look, don't look,
don't look, don't look! Put...

Just put your head down!

[LAUGHS] You f*cking pigs!

You won't catch Bunny Munro!

[LAUGHS]

[DEEP, ETHEREAL MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Mummy?

[DIAL TONE TRILLING]

Oh, come on.

Come on.

'Eternity Enterprises.'
Geoffrey.

Bunny.
It's good to hear your voice, bwana.

Did you get my message
about your dad?

Yeah. I've seen him.
Is he OK?

He's great.
What about you and Junior?

Where are you?
Barnham.

Why don't you come home?

Has everyone gone f*cking mad?
It's the big one tomorrow, Geoffrey,

and I need to get my head
in the game, so give me some names.

Bunny, mate,
I don't have any leads in Barnham.

f*ck are you talking about?!
You've gone too far, Bun.

Listen, you f*cking... Hey.

Hey.

Have the police called again?

Police? No.
Don't lie to me, Geoffrey.

They're f*cking everywhere.
Bunny, please.

I want you to come home, mate, now.
Why?

Because you're my friend,

and I love ya.

They're there, aren't they?
They're listening in! f*ck you!

Did they hear that? Geoffrey!

Listen, I know you're hurting,
my friend.

She was a good woman.

f*ck you! You... f*ck you!
[PHONE CLACKS]

[DISCONNECT TONE]

Right then, Bunny my Boy. Time for
a little old-fashioned cold calling.

What did Geoffrey say?
He wants us to go home.

When?
Right now.

Are we going?
Are we f*ck!

That place is crawling with police.

Is that what Geoffrey said?
No, but he's lying.

How do you know?
Get this:

he told me he loved me.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Dad.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WOMAN: What?
Good afternoon, Bunny Munro,

purveyor of the finest beauty
products. I have hydrating skin...

-Not interested. - No? - No.
-I have rich, hydrating,

age-targeting lotions...
I said no thanks, f*ck off.

f*ck off! f*ck off!

I said f*ck off!
f*ck you! What about f*ck you!

Hey?! What about you?

Argh!

[GROANS]

f*ck you!

f*ck.

[KNOCKING]

[BANGING ON DOOR]
Argh! f*ck!

I'm Bunny Munro, purveyor
of the finest in beauty products.

I have rich, hydrating, age-targeting
lotions to soften the skin

and exfoliate surface cells
for a richer, smoother look.

The skin is awakened
to its fullest potential.

I'm Bunny Munro!

I sell beauty products!

Strictly by f*cking appointment!

I'm Bunny Munro. Will you f*ck me?

Will you f*ck me?

Will somebody please f*ck me?!

[PANTING]

[SIGHS]

[PHONE BOX DOOR SLAMS]

[STARLINGS CHIRPING]

[POIGNANT MUSIC]

Dad?

I've been talking with Mummy.

What?

I think she's been
looking out for me.

Right. What?

I told her to go away, and she did.



I really wanna go home now.

Please.



Please, Daddy.

Bingo.

[HANDBRAKE CLICKS]

[RAINDROPS PATTERING]

Please, Daddy.

[BOTTLE CLINKS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

How do I look?

Good.

Got a good feeling about this one.

Dad! You forgot your case!

[BOTTLE SHATTERS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC CONTINUES]

[FEEDBACK SQUEALING]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[FEEDBACK SQUEALING FROM SPEAKERS]

[FEEDBACK STOPS]

[WOMAN MUTTERING QUIETLY]

Baby, look at you.

[EERIE MUSIC]

I've got a confession to make.

[GRUNTS SOFTLY]

I don't have any money.

Sorry.

Call me Bunny.

Bunny?

You're my Bunny?

[CIGARETTE FIZZLING]

Oh.

Oh, look, give me that.

Let me take that.

We don't wanna burn
the whole house down, do we?

There.

[GROANING SOFTLY]

[BREATHING WEAKLY]

f*ck.

Oh, no, f*ck.

f*ck! Oh, f*ck!

Come on.

Oh, come on. f*ck. Come on.

f*ck, come on, please.

Go on.

f*ck! Come on!

f*ck!

[RAINDROPS PATTERING]

[RAINFALL DISTORTS]

♪ JACKSON C. FRANK: Milk and Honey ♪

♪ Gold and silver

♪ Is the autumn

♪ Soft and tender

♪ Are her skies

♪ Yes and no

♪ Are the answers

♪ Written in

♪ My true love's eyes... ♪

LIBBY: Hello, stranger.

Mummy.

I...

I'm sorry I lost the encyclopaedia.

I did really love it.

I know.

Are you sad?

No, love.

All I wanted was
the look on your face

when I gave it to you.

Remember when we found out
where an octopus's ba*ls were?

Where are they?

In his head.
[CHUCKLES]

It's a weird and wonderful
world, alright.

Is it?

I promise you it is.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't strong enough.

But you are.

You're the strong one.

You know that now, don't you?

Sweetheart,

your dad can't help you.

He's truly lost.

I know.

It's really sad, isn't it?

It is.

But listen.

I need to tell you something
really important.

Yeah?

No matter what happens,
I need you to persevere.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Something bad is gonna happen.

You want me to be strong.

You're pretty cool, you know that?

[EERIE, OMINOUS MUSIC]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TENSE MUSIC]

I'm doomed.

[HEAVY ROCK MUSIC]

♪ It felt like I'd been driving

♪ For a thousand years

♪ And I could not even imagine
what was coming down the road

♪ And I heard a voice
coming out of the sky

♪ You gotta love one another or die ♪