Chainsaws Were Singing (2024)

[bunniefuu]

Help me! He is coming!

He's gonna k*ll me!

Just calm down and

tell me what happened.

He's coming after me.

He's gonna k*ll me. He just...

He's coming! He's k*lling!

Coming right after me!

He is right after me

and he's gonna k*ll me!

I won't talk to you

before you calm down.

Some f*ck face with a chainsaw

is coming after me with his chainsaw!

That cannot be -

this isn't even a tree cutting area.

- Maybe you heard something else?

- What? No.

There!

Him right there!

Look!

That's a harmless lumberjack.

Seriously?

Say, howdy!

So this girlie here

heard some noise and...

got all riled up and...

Hey, you're not allowed

to cut trees here,

so I'm calling

the environmental services.

Wait!

Drive!

What's cookin'?

I too like to hitchhike,

but I can't.

No one picks me up.

I ought a be a woman!

See, women sure get picked up.

They have t*tties!

But I don't have t*tties.

Yeah.

But then again, I may have

some bits down here, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, how swell!

Huh?

I sure do like music.

- Get after him!

- OK.

What happened?

Car broke down,

the rusty old bugger!

Keep driving, please!

Oh?

Hey, you?

Listen!

There. Here. You on the road

right there. Hey?

Who are you?

Tom!

What's up, Tom?

Everything has turned to sh*t.

Look...

Sometimes it seems like

things sure are shitty.

But afterwards, you see -

it's not that bad at all.

When next time you feel

like things are truly shitty,

just talk to a friend.

And he'll help you look

at things more objectively.

or y'know, contextualize matters

or balance out certain criteria, etc...

Just tell me.

I was walking down

a road this morning.

The sun was shining.

A bird did sing.

But I wasn't really

moved by them.

Great pain was troubling.

But I kept going down the road.

My heart was beating, brokenly.

Girlfriend dumped me,

don't know why.

So it led to suicide.

Without all you ever lived for -

there's no reason to go on.

I'll drown my heavy sorrows,

alongside with myself.

A drowned man won't have

troubles and no pain.

And no income tax for him.

I'll jump into the water

and I really cannot swim!

The fishermen were singing...

LA! LA!

LA! LA! LA! LA!

Fish!

It is time now.

Watery depths, here I come.

Good bye, cruel world!

Farewell, dreams that

never came true!

No, seriously. I'm gonna jump!

Go jump somewhere else!

One last glance into this world.

Oh, who's that?

Who is it? What am I seeing?

Is it hope

that I have just found?

My day went from sh*t

to being shiny,

I'll live, if you are around.

Get off our perch!

You'll annoy the fish away!

Today, why must I be Maria?

No joy, not a smile on my lips.

Today, my parents

got into a car accident,

also, my dog died.

I got fired from my job.

and I got beat up on the streets,

losing all my money,

which, I mean...

lucky this day sure hasn't been.

Now I hide by the river

just to see a...

place where today

won't be mean.

Why cry in the river, Maria?

World...

Piss off!

I don't want to be seen.

What do you want?

I think I love you.

Go f*ck a duck!

What's your name?

There's sh*t on your face.

Oh, that.

- So what are you doing here?

- Mm?

I was just hangin'

on that bridge.

Oh, nice to meet you... Maria.

What's wrong?

Have you ever been depressed?

I sure have.

So what do you do then?

I guess I just mope

somewhere on a rock.

Wanna mope together?

And just as you think

life is beautiful again,

it's all ruined by some

f*ck face with a chainsaw!

My name is Jaan.

Wait up!

Where you goin'?

That sure sucks, yeah.

But last week,

I too went fishing!

I was sitting

by a peaceful little brook,

where I always do my fishin'.

But behold!

What monster bit the hook?

f*ck off! I have stuff to do.

- Wait! Where you goin' now?

- I gotta catch up to them!

We will catch up, but...

Let's fix the car first?

My grandmother was in that car.

What?

Ah, no no. She...

She was already dead, but...

but still.

A frog!

Tom, can I join you

on your adventure?

What adventure? No.

Don't you have anything

better to do?

I was supposed to get

my grandma cremated.

Can Mr. Froggie join, then?

Hey!

Does Tom want a smooch

from Mr. Froggie?

Absolutely not.

No, but seriously.

Maybe you need

help or something?

I'm a great helper!

Once, I helped my grandma...

Well, I'm a great helper.

Look, thanks for the ride!

But some things in life

a man must do on his own.

And keep the frog out of it!

That's a g*n.

These are b*ll*ts.

Slide it in and...

But how...?

Yeah, that happens sometimes.

- But... who can we sh**t?

- Bad guys!

Correct! Have another treat.

I'll eat this first. Mmm.

But remember!

A g*n can sometimes also be harmful

and so we don't use it at random,

but only when

the right time comes.

But when is the right time?

Ahah, trust me!

You'll feel it when it comes.

That's it, yeah.

- Boom-boom!

- Fix your aim, yeah.

- Hello.

- Hi there.

A man with a chainsaw

is k*lling people.

He's very dangerous and

he took away my girl.

What happened to this world?

- The chainsaw is a tool!

- No, what?

They use it to cut trees.

It's for work!

Yeah, I get all that!

But I still saw him k*lling...

He's there! Go after him!

Where? I don't see a thing.

A g*n can also sometimes be harmful

and so we don't use it at random,

But only when

the right time comes.

- get after him!

- You shut your mouth, boy!

Did I get him?

That... we'll never know.

What?! He's getting away.

Let's go together!

- Where's your police car?

- Our car is...

Not in our budget!

Alright.

No worries, after me!

- Citizen, we need your car.

- Car.

- Is this a joke?

- No, nothing funny here.

But it's my car!

Just bought it from Romania.

Then go back and

buy yourself a new one.

I need it for work!

Get a new one from Romania!

- This is not acceptable.

- Get out of the way!

Listen, I gotta get

to work. It's not okay!

- Yes, it is. Go catch a bus!

- The hell I will.

- Please just move!

- What, no...

Oh no, you don't!

Hands! Get your hands off!

What the hell was that?

Welcome to fist law!

Him you gotta punch!

Let's get him!

Well?

Get him! Get him!

Three! Two! Together!

One! Two!

Together! Yeah!

More! More!

Hello!

Jaan.

I can't drive a car!

Need some help?

Friends can help you out!

Okay.

Quickly! Let's change seats!

Punch it!

I'll get you now!

- A Mercedes!

- Get after him!

- Cool! What's the plan?

- I'll improvise. Drive!

f*ck YEAH!

Can't it go faster?

There he is! After him!

Go!

Faster!

What's your plan now?

Just get next to him!

Wait, where'd you go?

Stupid jerk!

Get back here!

Listen.

Shut up!

Just pull closer, quickly!

Maria!

Tom, there's an issue.

Not now! Hit the gas!

- What happened?

- I'm trying but...

Why are we stopping?

Hit the gas!

No more gas to hit.

Where are you running again?

- Maria!

Wait!

Hold up, I'm coming!

Why are you in such

a rush all the time?

I don't understand.

They go like hot cakes.

Clear the road! Quickly!

Don't you worry!

It's all under control.

Give me back my bike!

sh**t! sh**t!

Give me back my bike!

Hang in there, Maria!

I'm coming.

Peace.

Vegetarianism and peace.

A planet that's green.

P

E-A

C

E

PEACE.

Green is my peace.

Trees.

So um...

If you made a little stop,

I'd maybe get off or something?

It's so cool that you're

k*lling people. Really!

Thumbs up! But...

Are you gonna k*ll me too?

Listen, I have like

4 kilos of weed here.

You can have it all

and in exchange let me go?

I won't tell a soul.

Pretty please?

Oh sh*t.

Who are you anyway?

Who'd have in a million years

guessed or so foreseen,

that a playful, chubby-tubby

rascal of a boy

would become

a k*lling machine?

Grave mistakes made

in my childhood

haunt me till my dying day.

Dark grim abysmal-dismal

memories and obligations

force me to k*ll this way.

But we'll get to that later!

k*ll! k*ll!

I want to k*ll all day!

k*ll! k*ll!

Yay! Yay! Yay!

In the belly, I stab you!

But I will not bury you.

- Hi, friend! Say hi!

- Hello!

I'll m*rder you with an axe.

k*ll! k*ll!

you in the swamp I will!

My barbeque is screaming still,

keep cooking on the grill!

Sometimes I wonder,

is life only

to take lives away?

Is there more to enjoy

in this magical day?

like a butterfly, sun

or a flower bouquet?

On my favorite meadow I ponder,

to ask from a flower,

is murdering

all I was made for?

There's no answer.

Like a dart,

the flower's beauty

is hurting my heart.

Ouch!

But mostly I don't wonder,

I'll simply m*rder you!

Chainsaw solo!

k*ll! k*ll!

I just want to k*ll!

Bop-pip-doobedoo,

Bop-pip-bi-doobedoo!

No escaping,

I will k*ll you too!

We have a runner!

Hi.

Everything okay?

Hello, pussycat!

Seriously?

Help me!

Skank!

Where you runnin', birdie?

What a nice gal we got here!

You be careful in the woods!

There's dangerous folks around.

Slap slap slap!

We'll sure take care of you.

Syringe.

Shush-shush!

Easy now, little girl!

Easy-peasy.

sh**t her up!

Easy now.

Sleep, child!

Sweet dreams.

We finally arrived

at Auntie's place!

Look who walked right up to us,

now on the forest road!

I gotta say what pretty gal!

Still fresh is our load!

Take over now the girl from us

and show her to her place!

If b*tch tries to run again,

you punch her in the face!

Well hi there, k*ller!

How you doin'?

So, still no words

from your mouth?

We were just wondering,

who'll speak first,

you or the little guy?

The baby was quite

the traveling trooper!

Only near the end

he started crying.

must've smelled

the sl*t's stench!

Little fella just turned one!

And he sure takes

after his daddy.

Who's the world's best daddy?

- You.

- No, you!

Oh? You caught her!

Hey, little Pelle.

Happy birthday!

- Where'd you find her?

- Ah, just on the road.

Boy, have you grown!

And handsome too.

Come help carry our things.

We brought you a tasty b*tch...

for your birthday.

Oh, it seems we're alone

in the sauna house again!

Mm!

Are you going to k*ll me?

You might as well tell me.

What'll you do to me?

Brought only one?

You didn't leave any

lying around again, did you?

Stupid f*cking beast!

What is wrong with you?

Oh God.

Why do you do this to me?

How many did you leave behind?

Get over here.

Come, come, come.

Come now!

Easy now, easy.

Why do you do this

to me, dear k*ller?

We don't leave food

lying around.

They'll do bad things to you

if they catch you.

They'll take you away

if you get caught.

Hush-hush.

No, no... no, no.

No, not yet.

Yes, I know. It's awful,

it's so horrible.

Hush now! Hush-hush!

Easy now!

You do realize

this is necessary?

Come here then.

Mother means well.

Good boy.

We can use you.

You eat meat? Take vitamins?

Do you know what's

waiting for you?

So sl*t, what do you say?

Intriguing.

Eat now, child!

And you'll grow big and fat.

See ya!

Ah, screw it!

Tom, where are you?

Your laughter,

your sky blue eyes.

Muscular arms, a sincere smile,

your slightly

chapped-up lips.

Your light beer belly,

kinda smelly breath,

and dandruff white as snow!

I know what a woman

holds dear in a man.

That goes for every woman.

Well, I should know.

I'm a woman!

Your pokey beard,

your wax-filled ears.

Sweaty armpits,

bitten fingernails,

your ridiculously hairy back.

Speaking of body hair growth,

oh my goodness!

Where haven't you got hair?

That is all what a woman

finds sweet in a man.

Won't you tell me, Tom,

where have you gone?

Will you come rescue me?

Or am I...

long forgotten now?

Hang in there, Maria!

a little mo-o-o-o-ore!

Okay! I'll hang in here!

a little mo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ore!

If fate has brought

us once together,

bring us back again!

I wanna...

say that, Tom, you are perfect,

disgusting and good!

Your knees are so bony!

- My knees sure are good.

Your ripe Adam's apple

I cannot exclude!

so I'm in a good mood!

Maria, I treasure

the fat on your chest.

Tom, your beer drinking

kisses are best!

Maria, I'm hoping

your world I will rock!

Tom, I go crazy for your...

completely unshaved

pubic region.

- Tom, where are you?

- Where are you?

Now I'm being held

c*ptive but...

a woman should be

held in the kitchen.

That is true.

If every dumb little detail

I admire in you,

It seems that,

I've fallen...

for you.

Just let me go.

We'll make it seem like...

I escaped on my own.

What do you think?

Or you know what?

Better yet,

let's escape together!

You and me?

What do you think?

Why do you let her

push you around?

[k*ller, 8 YEARS OLD]

[k*ller'S FATHER]

What have you done?

Oh God, what have you done!

It's all your fault!

Your father is dead now.

It's your fault!

You'll never speak about this,

not to anyone, not a word!

You'll never speak!

Hello?

Where'd you go?

Please tell me.

I could help you.

Tell only me!

No, no.

Wait, wait, wait!

No, no. Open the door

looking like that?

Look at yourself.

You look at yourself!

Howdy!

Sorry for disturbing but...

we are just checking

if maybe you've noticed any

strange types around?

Anything suspicious?

Today in town this guy was seen

running around with a chainsaw.

k*lling people!

It's very dangerous.

It is serious.

God, how horrible!

No place is safe nowadays.

Oh lord!

Do you think he could be

somewhere around here?

No, there is absolutely

no reason for concern.

We simply noticed that...

the chainsaw k*ller's van is

parked right in front of your house.

So you really

haven't seen a thing?

No.

Nothing around here.

But do feel free to

look around, please!

Don't wanna be a bother,

but anyway, if you...

notice anything, then...

here's my card, and

please get in touch,

if you perhaps

recall something.

Absolutely! I just hope

there's no reason to get in touch.

Yeah!

We hope so too.

What is that?

Children, the little whippersnappers,

are playing, huh?

Yeah.

Ah yes, ain't childhood

a jolly playful time!

Little drops of sunshine,

them kiddies!

I could eat them up.

Yeah?

Yeah? Of course.

Help! I'm locked up

down in the basement!

Locked in the basement?

Oh, what... horrible games

the children play!

- Yeah.

- That's for sure.

But be careful then, ma'am!

- Yeah.

- And good bye!

See ya.

This house is clean.

And there's no need to

offer your snacks to strangers!

Hey, let's get going.

Come faster now.

Stop!

Open the door!

We wanna ask more questions.

- I'm scared!

- Don't be scared.

The chainsaw is resting

on a stump right now

and without it the man

won't do a single thing.

Now, turn off the safety switch.

That's the trigger!

Besides...

Maybe that chainsaw man

isn't even all that dangerous?

Maybe it's a guy just...

in the wrong place

at the wrong time and...

we're out here

imagining things?

You hear?

Someone is cutting firewood!

Oh, hello!

Haven't you seen a...

Ow! My stomach!

Hands up!

It's not working!

What do you put me through?

What is going on

in that head of yours?

Why do I hear from the police

that you've been to town?

Leading them right

here to my doorstep!

You'll be punished later.

Look at me.

You are hideous

and nobody loves you!

except for me.

Now drag them to the basement!

Come over here!

You're a big man.

A big passionate man.

Give me your hand.

Well? Kiss me already!

[HAIRS, DANDRUFF, DILL]

Hush-hush now, quiet!

Look at this lovely painting

I made for my birthday!

Useless little brat!

["Vegetarianism and Peace"]

Look how k*ller brings

food on the table!

Why can't you do

anything useful?

Mom, I don't wanna

be k*lling people.

Don't you call me 'mom'!

I f*cking ate your

idiot mother years ago.

k*ller's fault that

we kept you alive.

He's way too soft.

Howdy there, strangers!

I just got lost in the woods.

Say which way is the Buk...?

You see, this art crap

gets you nothing in life.

Oh! What's cookin'?

Don't become a wimp like him.

Seems that k*ller has cooked up

quite a feast again!

Oh my! You fried up that clown?

Darlings, let's sit down now!

Happy birthday, Pelle!

So, how is your

new home search going?

Very well.

Found us a lovely place

in the suburbs of Bratislava.

Yeah.

There's a beautiful

view of the Alps,

and the crisp sea air

reminds us every day

how much we love

one another.

Ain't that right, Pepe?

This is true, Kevin, my boo.

Yeah, a place in the sun!

Bratislava sure is a safe environment

for little Desire to grow up in.

Wait.

I thought that's a boy?

Yep.

And how's our

little angel doing?

He has it good.

Wait, how'd you get him?

Well, the biological

methods didn't work.

Trust me, we tried!

And trying to adopt, everyone had

a problem with our 'family model'.

But then we saw

this girl on the street,

a young single mom,

pushing a baby carriage.

The baby was radiating joy

like the sun in July.

- We pushed the b*tch under a truck...

- Mhm?

and ran off with the carriage.

And the little rascal had

a new home!

I say, k*ller,

this dish sure looks Italian!

- What is that?

- Regular hippie meat.

Tastes like weed a bit,

otherwise fine.

k*ller, bring us the girl!

What do you mean

you don't wanna eat her?

Who decides things

in this family?

Go downstairs now... before

mother punishes you again.

Did you see our sl*t

in the basement?

See...?

We caught the b*tch ourselves!

Can't wait to taste her.

What do you mean you caught her?

She was running on the road.

Thought we saw a skunk,

turned out to be a skank!

I find you attractive, Kevin.

What do you mean 'gone'?

How'd she break free?

Can't you do a single thing?!

She'll tell on us!

Well, alright.

She can't be far, Pelle!

Yeah?

Take your stupid bow

and go find the b*tch!

k*ller, why are you still here?

You go and you catch that b*tch!

Aah, let's all go!

Let's find the b*tch

and fed we'll be!

Can we?

Let's see!

There you are!

I thought I smelled skank.

Does girlie have a g*n now?

Should we be afraid of you?

Go on! sh**t him!

Don't you have the guts?

Cook the f*cking b*tch!

You cook her!

What's the matter?

Let's eat!

Or maybe you yourself

are feeling peckish, huh?

Is the girlie hungry?

You will eat this.

Or...

We'll cut chunks out of you.

Let's have ourselves

a lovely little feast!

Maria, what is it?

Tom.

Promise me that...

you'll never let anything

bad happen to me.

Mmh?

Just promise.

I promise.

I'll always be by your side.

So which road do we pick?

Ah, hell! What are we

actually doing out here?

Maybe we already

took a wrong turn before and...?

- Maybe we didn't?

- 'Maybe' we didn't!

Are we really hoping that 'maybe'

I'll now choose the right road,

randomly, and then go

save Maria all by myself?

I'm here too.

Yeah, you too, huh?

Oh, I forgot! Sorry!

Then everything is fine!

Then we're not completely f*cking

lost in some dumb forest, huh?

Then Maria's totally safe,

just because you are here!

What happened?

I bit my tongue too now.

Why'd you do that?

What are you doing?

Your tongue is really busted!

Yeah, I know that, thank you!

I bit into my tongue,

I just told you.

Here, put on some road weed!

Open up, more, more, and bite!

Yeah, attaboy!

I too have a tongue.

Please stop!

Will you please control yourself?!

The wind is rising.

Tom, want some cheering up, huh?

Please, don't start!

You're being too negative.

- You're not gonna sing!

- Mm-mh?

Seriously, knock it off!

You're not gonna...

Sometimes it seems,

like all the BAD kinda piles up...

more and more

just around you, Tom.

Shut up!

Or put it like this...

Sometimes it seems -

all the good has simply split,

leaving misery,

joy of life has gone to sh*t!

When everything seems black,

and the whole world is

on your back,

then this advice,

dear Tom, you really need!

Just what, indeed?

Don't you worry -

it will only get worse!

Then think like me!

When you find:

One trouble after another,

done you are not!

Troubles get more rotten,

when your tongue

begins to rot!

Life's created so,

that every problem creates

about ten more.

What's the use in stressing it?

Enjoy the moment now a bit!

cause soon you'll be in

way much deeper sh*t!

Oh, so you're helping me?

If now you're

feeling outta luck,

your day has yet to suck!

On the first road ahead,

who knows what you will dread!

Second road, you're lost.

A horny fox gives you rabies!

Third road, sure enough!

There's a chainsaw

wielding f*ck face

who cuts your f*cking legs off.

When you're a desperate man,

and think it can't get any worse,

you know what I will

tell you, man?

SURE CAN!

It will rain! A cloud will chase you

anywhere you go.

And suddenly, behold,

your damn appendix starts to blow.

Diarrhea you will get

and a headache will upset!

On a rusty nail you step.

Stumble, fall and

break your neck!

A bird will sh*t

right on your head!

Then get sun struck and go mad.

Bad! All is bad!

Oh, so BAD!

- Hey, things aren't THAT bad.

- Oh yes, they are!

No, it'll all be fine!

If one road is wrong,

then I'll try the second

or even third.

No matter what, but...

I will find Maria.

No, it'll all turn to sh*t!

If you are born into this world,

you will soon be made aware,

that pain and troubles here in life

are really not that rare.

So simply man up to me!

And choose your path,

one, two or three!

Enjoy each passing moment,

for the moments will be gone!

Soon you will

have it so much worse.

And even more bad,

and then even more glum.

But still the worst

is yet to come!

BAD! It's just all BAD!

Wait up! Where you goin'?

Do you... really

think that negative?

Grandma taught me

this philosophy.

She said that

life is like a pipe!

it has two ends.

And?

Yep, those are the things

she taught me.

Let's just hope this road

isn't a dead end.

Tom.

Did you know that...

grandmas are so imbued with urine

that they've become flammable?

No, I wasn't aware.

- But it's true.

- This is not a topic I wanna...

discuss right now.

- They're like landmines!

What are you doing here?

Leave! It isn't safe!

We seek a f*ck face

with a chainsaw.

Me too.

Join me and we'll

catch the b*stard!

Come on, quit stalling!

We haven't got all day!

Who are you?

I am what the world turned

me into. Friends call me...

But how do you know

the f*ck face with a chainsaw?

Let's just say

no crime goes unpunished.

- Aah.

- Okay.

But still, how do you know him?

You ask brave questions, boy.

The whole world is in flames

and I can't even light my smoke.

How do I know

the f*ck face with a chainsaw?

This was a while back.

It was wartime, '79.

My brother just got drafted.

Both of us on Portugal's side.

Ask me, then, w*r ain't the place

for a 15 year old boy,

but what can you do?

They enlisted him.

And then they came.

Over a distant hilltop.

Like ants...

during spring migration.

The f*cking Swedish, man!

You sh**t one down,

a hundred others appear.

You get me?

Such a battle! Several hours!

But we held up, at first.

It was 3 o'clock and we didn't feel

like fighting anymore.

Went for a lunch break.

The boy was chewing

on a croissant,

not knowing what lay ahead.

I, the complete fool, went...

looking for a garbage bin to properly

recycle the ice cream wrappings.

I get back and see my brother

trembling in pain.

His face...

all drenched in blood.

Pieces of brain everywhere.

The f*cking Swedish!

See, they had stabbed

an ABBA cassette into his face!

The 'Dancing Queen' single.

f*cking Swedes, man!

From over the hills you could

still hear their taunting and lyrics.

"VEM R DROTTNINGEN

P DANSGOLVET NU!"

I still don't know what

the f*ck that means.

Someone who you saw

grow up for 15 years.

From childhood to teenager.

From his first steps

to his first girlfriend.

Your brother.

And next thing...

Justice?

Ain't no justice...

anywhere anymore.

Huh? What's that got to

do with anything?

Quit bawling!

Absolutely nothing.

But this morning,

the f*ck face with a chainsaw

k*lled the rest of my

three brothers on the road.

What is this tampon party?

- Dude, there's blood on him.

- Yeah, I see that!

Hey as*h*le, what's up

with the blood?

I asked you a question!

Who's f*cking blood is that?

I don't take kindly to bloody

f*cking idiots on the road!

See, he don't take kindly

to bloody f*cking idiots!

So what, you can't speak now?

Look here, as*h*le!

Don't you have the ba*ls to even

look me in the eye?

No ba*ls to look him in the eye?

You chicken?

How's he a chicken?

He ain't got feathers.

Help!

Help me!

What was that?

What?! I'm running out

of patience here.

See, his supply of

patience is limited!

Hey, let's kick his a*s.

Alright. Let's f*ck him up.

Mini, go f*ck him up!

- Me...?

- Who's the boss here?

I beat up the last guy,

so now it's your turn!

- You wanna die yourself?

- Who's f*cking who up?

- Shut up, you talk too much!

- Look, last time I did all the...

Okay guys, jeez!

I'll f*cking do it myself!

Ow, my eye ba*ls!

My eye ba*ls!

Where ya'll going?

Let's show the f*ck

he can't do this!

See? Everything's

gonna be just fine.

Yeah, just fine.

What are those noises?

Do you hear something?

I'm always hearing things.

Let's keep going, quietly,

before it's too late!

Who are you?

I'm simply Jaan.

Stay away! You don't

know what he's capable of!

We mean you no harm.

We aren't your enemies.

You'll let us go.

Let's go.

What the hell?

Don't make any sudden movements.

There may be more of them.

Who was that?

What's the worst

that could happen?

Don't be scared!

I'm not scared. I'm cold!

I may have something for you.

We come in peace.

We seek a man with a chainsaw.

He's a f*ck face.

Have you seen him?

Those who turn up here...

must all face

The Enlightener.

HE SETTLES ALL!

What damn 'Enlightener'?

In the beginning

there was nothing.

A vast infinite darkness.

Darkness!

SUDDENLY, the Great Enlightener

created the whole world.

Just like that, no biggie.

All by himself, just because.

There once walked

the prophet Omorashi down a path.

and he was sad.

So he said to himself:

'Life has no meaning

and I am sad.'

Just then appeared the Enlightener

before Omorashi and said:

OMORASHI!

YOU MUST WORSHIP ME

HERE IN THE FOREST!

AND GIVE ME SACRIFICE!

EVERY WEDNESDAY!

Wednesday!

Otherwise, I'll k*ll you,

and burn your family to death.

Omorashi thought

a little and said:

Yes.

I will rather serve you,

than have my family

burned to death.

Great Enlightener was pleased,

and gave Omorashi

many sons and daughters.

Together, they found their way

into these woods,

where they built us a home.

And ever since then

has our tribe been living here,

in great joy and harmony,

under the Enlightener's

mighty hand.

And so we bring sacrifice

every Wednesday.

Wednesday!

An odd bunch!

What 'odd bunch'?

You're the one that's

f*cking weird!

You reckon it's easy here, um,

living in the f*cking forest?

Think I wanna be wearing

these stupid clothes?

What do you think we live on?

You know what it's like

to eat a f*cking... squirrel?

Let the Enlightening begin!

Hmm?

Vassa Bukkake!

Vassa Bukkake!

Vassa Bukkake!

VASSA BUKKAKE!

Bukkake!

- What day is it today?

- Wednesday.

Here in the woods,

here in these mighty woods.

Some of you may say,

we live an ordinary way.

But a holy force we hide!

Here you know who is boss,

for you've come across

the Great Bukkake tribe!

So there!

Old and ancient godly

wisdom he displays.

Gives us hope and every day

he guides our ways.

- He created the world, too.

- What a nice thing to do!

So we must give sacrifices

every Wednesday.

Bukkake! Vassa Bukkake!

Vassa Bukkake!

Let me go, you damn animals!

Show me what you got, f*ck!

I'm not afraid of you!

BUKKAKE!

Bukkake!

Cobra!

Enlightened!

If you ever come our way,

no escape,

you cannot run away!

Bukkake holds you down,

enlightens your frown,

you'll be white as a clown,

and so we...

sacrifice each week and

cover folks with milky spray.

sh**t the goo upon our prey.

It's jolly, hip hooray!

Now in fear you must cower,

Bukkake shows you power!

Let me tell you my story.

Long ago, life was pretty bad.

Had no friends, alone I was sad.

Really sad!

Misery inside,

I came here for suicide.

But in the middle of the night,

I saw the great Bukkake light!

Now I am the mightiest

disciple of this joint!

Existence has a point.

Never will I naysay

Bukkake's milky ways.

Say, will I reach Bukkake heaven

on my dying day?

NO!

Until then, I'm here and

sacrifice every Wednesday.

He said 'Wednesday'!

- We're saying 'Wednesday'!

- Bukkake Wednesday!

If you think our ways here

are strange and unsound,

take a look around and see

there's numb nuts all around!

Some cry holy battle cries,

have babies circumcised!

Burn witches to the skies,

or think horoscope is wise!

EVERYONE IS NUTS THEIR OWN WAY!

Bukkake tribe is here to stay!

Vassa Bukkake!

Vassa Bukkake!

Let's go.

Vassa Bukkake!

BUKKAKE!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

EH?

Why did they leave?

BU... BUKKAKE?

What in the f*ck was THAT?!

That...

That is not okay!

Damn savages.

Poor Cobra!

We will...

We will avenge him, but...

I don't know how exactly,

but we will!

Seriously, what the hell

was that?

Endless colors to

man's bizarre ways!

- That's for sure.

- Yep.

You got a knife or something?

Maria!

Maria!

- Who is that?

- I don't know.

Maria!

Mini f*ck face!

Maria!

Listen.

- Maybe Maria is here?

- Mhh!

I just need something sharp!

Wait! Someone's there.

Why, it's a little hedgehog!

Who was that kid?

Little hedgehoggy!

I don't have any milk

for you today, but...

Don't you have any milk?

No, I don't have milk with me!

Go, hedgehog, go!

Go find yourself...

a hot little lady hedgehog!

Lady hedgehog?

How'd you know it's a male?

I don't. Maybe it's a female?

A l*sbian hedgehog.

Eat now, b*tch!

Alright. They're here.

Now let's...

- What are you doing?

- Going into the basement.

- Why are you going in the basement?!

- Stop shouting!

I'm being creative.

Entering the K*llers' house through

a basement would be really dumb.

That is really dumb!

So? We'll catch them by surprise!

'I'm being creative.'

So this was your great idea?

It's pitch-black in here.

I can't see a thing!

We just came from

the light outside.

Our eyes will soon

adjust for darkness!

Or...

Oh, you have matches?

BASEMENT TROLL!

Jaan, is it you, now?

I am always me!

Where are you being you?

I'm right here.

Wait! I'll help you!

Mother!

Mother!

- Here!

- Yeah!

What's he screaming about?

Go on!

Move! Move! Move!

- What is this ruckus?

- They're in the basement!

- Who?

- I don't know.

So where are they?

Aww, little Desire

has fallen asleep.

- Finally, just the two of us.

- Mm.

Hands up!

So you're all just...

horrible people here?

Take it easy, Tom!

- Psst!

- What?

Go untie Maria!

Which one is Maria?

Hello. I'm Jaan.

Sit down, boys!

Have some meat.

The sl*t started liking it too.

Eagerly she ate,

mouth a-chewin' lusciously.

Or maybe you wanna

nibble on Maria yourself?

Get in line then!

First we'll lick her clean

and then gobble her down.

So? Are you not brave enough to

sh**t us two brotherly lovebirds?

You afraid, coward?

Join us! And you too can

suckle on Maria's eyeballs.

Damn it! Open this door!

k*ller, where are the keys?

Jaan!

- Mhh?

- Help me!

- How?

- Anyhow!

- Aah!

- Oh, Pepe!

JAAN!

Hush-hush now!

TOM!

Hush-hush now.

Yeah, baby!

- Ahhaa!

- Playtime's over!

You guys go!

Think positive!

Huh?

Poo-bear f*ck, come and get me!

It's all your fault.

Useless b*stard.

How could you get us locked up?

You have ruined my life.

You're a useless worthless

cowardly little nitwit!

I should've thrown you in the trash

right after you were born,

like I wanted!

But no!

Your father was too weak,

that feeble sensitive little...

Do you realize

what you have done?

They got away.

They're going to tell.

You will be put in prison.

m*rder*r!

Better yet if they finally

lock you away.

Criminal!

I won't protect you anymore.

And you, useless brat!

Does the little boy

fancy himself an artist?

Does the little...

I'M f*cking TALKING TO YOU!

You are no good!

There is no future for you.

You will serve your mother.

Or else, you will suffer

the same fate as your parents did.

Are you even capable of k*lling?

So what are you waiting for?

Go already!

Let's go.

Who'd have in a million years

guessed or so foreseen,

that a joyful,

chubby-tubby innocent boy

would become a k*lling machine?

When mother orders me:

k*ll ALL AND

SHOW NO MERCY!

I obey. I feel guilt,

from having k*lled my father,

with no reason.

Will there...

come a day when I'm finally

free of all my guilt?

A flower is rotting away.

Can the rotten

bloom another day?

What I wouldn't give to get back

all the long lost years?

Another life to live.

Friends I haven't seen.

To school I haven't been.

m*rder was my only ABC.

There'll be winter,

spring, summer, autumn.

back to winter.

Spring, summer,

autumn, winter, summer.

A bit more winter?

I'm still stuck right here!

They escape because

they still have hope.

Forgive me.

In youth he knew joy,

this little mushroom of a boy.

With play days full of light,

his fate was looking bright.

But now...

Dreams are laid to rest,

as with every life I take,

utilizing this rake,

I get more and more depressed.

But these thoughts

will do no good!

Forget and silence

them you should.

k*ller, DO AS YOU ARE TOLD!

Ow!

Why?

I'm a monster,

eating humans that I slay.

There's a chainsaw

in your kidneys, by the way.

Should I bury

all my dreams inside?

For a m*rder*r,

has hope already died?

How did you find me?

I've been looking for you

all this time.

Are you all right?

Mm, guess so.

My head hurts and I'm...

feeling kinda nauseous and

I'm washing off blood,

and I ate human flesh

for the first time in my life.

But I've been worse.

Thank you.

But who was that guy?

You mean Jaan?

Just some guy.

He got left behind there.

Maybe he escaped?

Maybe.

But, how do you know him?

Is he like a friend or...?

Yeah.

Or, um, we kinda just

met on the road today.

You could say that...

it was thanks to him

that I even made it to you.

Or, I mean...

He sure helped.

I was kinda surprised that he

sacrificed himself for us like that.

A friend.

Yeah.

We gotta go back

there for him, huh?

Sure seems like it.

But this time,

we'll be ready for them!

What do you mean?

What the hell

were we thinking anyway?

Mhh, stop moping!

We'll manage, somehow.

We can't just show up there.

We need g*ns!

Big g*ns!

Then we'll get some!

Trust me... It'll be fine.

Maria, we're in the middle

of a forest.

Do you expect someone to just

walk up to us and say:

'Hi! Want some g*ns?'

Hi!

Want some g*ns?

Actually, we do!

I am Mrt, the g*nman!

When folks are in trouble

and wish for g*ns,

then to the rescue comes

Mrt, the g*nman.

See?

I'll give you this

rad little handgun!

And you, girl,

get this bigger one!

Be careful then!

Good day to you!

Says Mrt, the g*nman!

Just k*ll me already,

you sick b*stards!

Oh, we'll do all sorts of

good things to you!

And maybe even

better things... in addition.

Honey, how's your head?

Healing, but it hurts!

From what happened before.

From what Jaan did!

You know perfectly

well what I did!

Yes. We know very well

what Jaan did!

We all know this.

And I would do it again.

And again... if I could.

Help me, lesbo-hog!

You'll regret that,

sick pervert, you Jaan!

Looky here!

So? Come meddling in people's

everyday lives again, will you?

Who double-punches in the face

utilizing a baby now?!

Oh, Pepe, you're so bad!

No, you are bad!

You are both...

officially the WORST characters

in the world!

Let's saw now! Hoh-hoy!

Jaan!

- Huh?

- Think positive!

When Pepe cracks my leg,

sawing through,

just think - legs you have two!

My other leg is still all good

to brighten my mood!

f*ck! Now my other leg!

Oh, why?!

But still I do not cry!

Lucky, I've got hands...

to stick a pinecone in your eye!

k*ll! k*ll!

It's fun to k*ll Jaan!

An ice pick in your heel,

I'll stab to make you squeal!

You'll die soon, dear Jaan.

Our dinner waits ahead!

Payback sure is sweet.

Smash this pipe

through your head!

- No, not that pipe!

- Yeah! This very pipe!

Your passion,

your walk is divine.

two, three, four!

These steps are

faster than mine.

But still, I remember your hu...

is all what a woman

finds dear in a man!

You are so pretty, Maria!

And you are the cutest, oh Tom!

Life's but a love song!

Maria.

- And I know from the start,

- I know in my heart,

we'll never be apart!

Oh no!

A f*ck face with a chainsaw!

f*ck!

All are b*stards, all are swine.

It makes me sick, I so despise!

But their flesh is so delicious,

so let suffering arise!

Let tears of blood

rain from the skies!

Is hope there still for me,

to fulfill my mother's needs?

to redeem my father's death.

Please forgive me, Mother!

So caring and good...

why do I keep failing you?

When I ran down a road today,

I was feeling desperate.

Maria got taken away

by a f*ck face.

A very bad man with a chainsaw.

Then to the rescue came

a guy called Jaan.

We had quite

an adventure together.

Maria is safe by my side again,

but that is only

thanks to Jaan.

Thanks to JAAN!

- Now hang in there, Jaan!

- We have a hell of a plan!

Okay, I'll hang in here

to see your hell of a plan.

Jaan's blood flows!

Would you please just let me go?

NO! I'll put a needle

through your nose!

There is no escape from here.

The world is mine, did you hear?

They are my puppets, everyone.

Enslaving them is fun.

I need new brushes soon

to paint our house this afternoon!

Will the flower bloom?

SINGING SURE CAN BE NICE,

BUT WE REALLY SHOULD BE

MOVING THINGS ALONG NOW.

THEN WE'LL GET TO

THE END SHOWDOWN.

THE CULMINATION

THE SUPER CULMINATION!

cl*max, baby!

Now my pain is

really getting rough,

but I won't cry

a single drop.

Soon I'll be welcomed by Death,

then my pain will also stop.

Please, make the pain stop!

We must rescue Jaan!

- What are you doing?

- But we were singing.

Don't get salty with the pepper!

- Right.

- So what do you think?

We go there, sh**t everyone,

rescue Jaan...

home for supper!

What a man!

Hey, honeyboo?

Yeah?

When we move into

our Bratislava house,

then we'll have

a nice garden too.

You know exactly what to say.

I love you more than

there is snow in the Alps!

But what's our exact plan?

Well, we just...

sneak up to them

and bang-bang!

We have g*ns, see.

- Let's go already!

- I propose, uhm, look!

The FRV is here.

The enemy fire team is

30 meters to our 7 o'clock.

Here's the plan: I ambush

the enemy from the left.

You cover me from

current position.

When I've lured the enemy

to the k*ll zone, then...

open fire, okay?

While we were having sex,

I placed some M21s in the area

between objects 'House' and 'Dog house'.

So watch your step!

Once we've defeated the enemy

and secured our position,

then rendezvous back here.

All clear? Let's go!

Ah, they left.

Jaan?

I'm dying!

Jaan, no. We came back for you.

We'll get you outta here.

No, you guys go!

I'm two feet in the grave.

Leave me be! All hope is lost.

No, you will live!

You are strong.

You're gonna make it, Jaan.

I'm so cold.

What did they do, Jaan?

Is this better?

Now I'm too warm,

so annoyingly warm.

Well...

So die then!

Thank you, dear friend!

I thank you.

So go on and die!

I'm waiting already.

I'm trying.

Turn me sideways.

Why are you coughing

if your legs are broken?

Help close my eyes?

Dude, you're not dying!

Close my eyelids now!

Darkness comes,

descending down upon me.

Jaan!

Hey, I don't think I'm dying.

- f*ck!

- Untie me!

- Uh-huh.

We were wondering where

you two lovebirds were!

So, Tom, care to eat some Jaan?

No.

- How about now...?

- Go on!

Or my boo will f*ck up your boo!

Eat now, Tom!

Start with his arm!

Have a little bite, huh?

- Jaan?

- Go on, lover boy!

Now we'll strangle you to death.

And then we'll handle Maria.

Both of us!

We won't k*ll her just yet.

First, she's gonna eat you,

and then Jaan!

And then she'll chew on herself.

as she's such a cannibalistic skank!

Kevin, baby, are you all right?

I'm a little hurt,

but mainly emotionally.

Pepe, how are you, honeybums?

Pepe is pissed off!

- You ready?

- Enough already!

- Three. - Two.

- One.

- Pepe, we have a pipe in our belly!

- it has two ends!

Oh, Pepe! I'm dying!

Kevin, baby!

You're not dying.

Neither am I.

But there's pain!

No, there is only love,

between us!

Oh, Pepe!

I don't want to die!

Everything's okay!

We will still move into

our Bratislava house!

You know what's there,

waiting for you in the hallway?

What is it?

A leopard skin love-couch!

Just like the one you said

was the couch of your dreams,

but I said it was

too expensive.

There is nothing

too expensive for you!

There's a beautiful suburban

home just waiting for us.

A backyard where little Desire...

can play hide and seek.

In the evenings, we'll sit by the sea,

in each others arms.

The Bratislavian crisp sea air

fondles your golden locks.

And we see a vibrant

red sunset...

glistening off the snowy peaks

of the Alp mountains.

And right behind us,

we can see...

the Eiffel tower.

Oh yes, Pepe!

I'm starting to see already!

- Oh, baby!

- Kiss me for the last time!

Your request is my desire!

Bratislava!

Now that was f*cked up.

- Jaan, you're alive!

- Mmh?

I just had a little nap.

Listen...

Let's skedaddle, huh?

Let's look for road weed

to remedy my legs.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm not a hospital person!

- Let's look for road weed!

- Yeah, yeah.

AFTER THEM, NOW!

They're right here!

They f*cking k*lled your uncles

and you're here painting!

The hell is this?

Move yourselves!

Run them over!

No one escapes!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

We didn't see you there.

You're not hurt, are you?

Everything's all right,

it's all right.

Easy now, child.

Don't you move now!

You could injure yourself.

Your arm is all broken, dear.

And your ribs are also cracked.

k*ller!

Be a dear now, come here!

This young man needs a surgery.

We really don't have time

for anesthesia right now.

Why are you so evil?

I hope you understand, dear.

She just threw a rock at me!

k*ller, look what she did

to your mother!

Ow!

How can you let her treat

your mother this way?

Be a dear...

Go teach her a lesson!

I caught her smelly foot!

- Damn it! - Aah!

- Pelle, come on!

MARIA!

Maria!

Attaboy, Pelle!

You thought you could

escape from me?

Escape from me?

Enough. Finish her!

Or wait.

Throw the b*tch under the train!

You know what's approaching?

Do you hear it?

There comes a perfectly

inevitable b*tch demolisher.

You think you had any impact

with your little tricks?

No. Nothing changes.

This is my world.

Everything goes on

exactly as it always has.

Nothing changes, not ever.

Quit dreaming otherwise!

What got into you?

Are you failing me again?

You can't do a single thing,

can you?

You never could.

You're pathetic.

You're a worthless little ape!

You couldn't even handle

k*lling your own father,

I always have to take

care of everything.

Now, do as you are told!

Oh, I'm the sick one, am I?

You're the one getting into wh*res

and now you tell me

that I'm a sick person?

Say hello to your wh*re!

I don't know who that is.

You have tied up

a complete stranger.

You're not thinking straight anymore.

You're so jealous that...

Think I don't see you

always staring at young girls?

I was young and

pretty too, once.

I was gorgeous.

What are you saying?

You're still beautiful.

I'm just not enough?

Is that it?

I simply forgot today

was Women's Day.

Yeah?

Like that's a thing

you can simply forget?

Sometimes you can.

What do you think

you're doing now?

So, forget Women's Day

again, will you?!

I honestly...

only forgot today...

k*ller, get out of there!

Now look what you did.

Do I need to show you

to your place?

Well?

What?

Now what?

You're hoping to get by

without me?

Fool!

You're a helpless

Ret*rded little m*rder*r!

Think of the hundreds of people

you have m*rder*d and eaten!

Think how many families

you have destroyed!

You're hoping to start

a new life?

You don't deserve life.

Monster!

Come, give mommy a hug.

I can't use you anymore.

Pelle was anyway

the stronger man beside me.

Ain't that right, Pelle?

Be a dear now, k*ll these two!

Take k*ller's place at my side.

You've always deserved it,

but k*ller was simply in the way.

You had no opportunity!

Well, go on!

Yeah!

Attaboy, Pelle!

That's it!

Show your mommy

just how tough you are!

Just a bit more now!

I'm so very proud of you!

k*ller! What are you doing?

Let go of me!

b*stard, you let me go!

k*ller, you're a good boy!

Such a good boy!

Ow, how very painful...

is getting hit by a van!

All this blood!

It hurts so bad to actually

get hit by a vehicle like that,

like I for sure actually did.

Bloody hell.

Also, my legs are all

butchered up and smushed!

Now we'll surely die!

No!

We still have to save Maria.

Ma... Maria!

Maria is long dead!

We missed that train.

No, we missed nothing.

We can find her again.

After all that we've

been through,

we can't just give up now.

Maria, forgive me!

Do you really think

that the baddies...

somehow all k*lled each other?

That Maria escaped?

And that she'll now simply show up

behind you and say 'Hey, Tom'?

MARIA!

See? Not a soul.

Tom!

Maria!

Jaan!

What happened back there?

Let's just say it's okay now.

Oh, look at us,

all frail and feeble!

Hey!

There's roadweeds here.

We're not gonna die after all!

My legs are like new!

Completely and totally healed!

Thanks to the road weed!

Whaddya know!

Oh! Look!

So home for supper, right?

- Tom can't drive a car!

- Oh shut up, you!

Seat belts!

Yeah.