-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[sheep bleating]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
-[engine revving]
-[heavy metal music plays]
-[music stops]
-[brake cranking]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[sheep bleating]
[water flowing]
[hatch clicks open]
[sheep bleating]
-
-[dragging]
-[grunting]
-[sheep bleating]
[water flowing]
[splashing]
[claps hands]
[sheep bleating]
[dragging]
[hatch clicks shut]
[patting]
[keys jangling]
[engine trying to start]
[engine trying to start]
[can clatters]
[door clicking]
[door closes]
[drill whirring]
-
-[drill whirring]
[drill whirring continues]
[drill whirring]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[man] What am I thinking
about right now?
I'm thinking about what it would
be like if I was a spy.
Great.
What would it be like
if you were a spy?
[man] I think it'd be super
suave and sexy.
[laughs] I think you just get a
g*n, not a different
personality.
[man] Don't tell me how my
fantasy works.
I'm actually kind of more into
the "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy"
kind of spying where everyone's
all very straight faced and--
Clacky shoes.
What, so it would just be you in
a suit and a pair of stilettos?
[man laughing]
[man] Now I've got an image of
my head
on Gary's body and stiletto
shoes.
I'd see that film.
-[man] You haven't seen "Tinker
Tailor"--?
-No, I have.
I'm saying I'd watch...
...you slash Gary Oldman
in a spy movie where it's just
them trying to run in heels.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I get it.
What would it be called?
"Running in Heels?"
"Tinker Tailor Soldier
Stilleto?"
It's kind of like Rocky Horror
meets John Le Carr.
Do you love me?
[man] Yes, I love you.
Are you in love with me?
[man] Such a--
[stammers] That doesn't--
-That's not a thing--
-Yes, it is a thing! That's my
f*cking point!
[woman sighs]
[man] Yes, I'm in love with you.
And how is that different
to loving someone? To you?
[man] Wordage. [laughs]
I wanna know--
I don't want it to be like--
I'm not asking for some
Mills & Boon novel, you know.
I'm not--
-[man] I don't know who that is.
-[turn signal clicking]
It's like-- soft porn book from
the 80s.
-A lot of heaving bosoms.
-[man] Heh.
Saw a video about that the other
day.
Probably stopping at Aldi before
we--
Grab a bottle of wine or
something.
[woman] Yeah, to make up for the
presents.
[man] They're not going to say
anything--
[woman] They're too polite. It
doesn't mean they won't think
anything.
[turn signal clicking]
They genuinely won't mind.
Like they're not kids they're
waiting,
waiting for the Santa Claus.
[door slams closed]
[door clicks open]
[bag rustling]
I really do love you.
It's just not the same.
[laughs] We still have
Christmas.
[sighs]
One more Christmas.
[sheep bleating]
[birds chirping]
Hey, Mum. Battery again.
Can you come over?
[footsteps]
[grass crunching]
Can't you come over here
and pick me up?
It's not like I'm in bloody
Inverness.
Yes, it was working fine when I
dropped the tree off the
recycling center.
It was on my way back that it
died.
Alan didn't fix it! That guy
can't even change a flat tire.
I don't know why Dad keeps
recommending him to you.
I've got the jump leads.
They're here with me.
For the last time, I never
filled the tank with diesel!
Ever.
I told you that was Stephanie.
I am responsible!
Now come here and help me.
Oh, please! "Whatever Declan
wants, Declan gets..."
"Whatever Declan wants, Declan
gets."
You need a new catchphrase.
Thank you.
I'll share you my location.
Yes. The map icon
next to your inbox.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
Love you too.
Bye-bye.
-[phone beeps]
-[grass crunching]
-[can cracks open]
-[groans]
Do you have a tissue? [sniffing]
-[Declan] Do you want to use my
sleeve?
-No.
[Declan] Terrible jumper,
anyway.
I bought you that jumper.
[Declan] I know.
As a joke. I didn't think you'd
actually wear it.
[hatch closes]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[phone beeping]
[phone beeping]
[ringing]
[woman] You shouldn't drink and
drive.
[ringing]
Or dial.
[phone beeps]
I only had half.
Do you want the rest?
No, thanks. I'm driving.
[grass crunching]
-Where's Mum?
-Busy.
-She said she was coming.
-Battery again?
Yeah. Let me get the jump leads.
Just come back to town with me.
Call the guy
who fixed it last time.
He clearly didn't do a good job
of it.
If you turn your car around, we
can take it back to mine.
Get it sorted.
Waste of time, Dex.
If we call Alan, we'll waste
time and money. Come on.
Mum just told me to pick you up.
[Declan] Mum agreed to start the
car.
It won't be on its own long.
It'll be secure.
[Declan] What's she so busy
with, anyway?
Cleaning up after New Year.
We could do with some help that,
actually.
-Sure. Just--
-[can clacking]
Turn your car around
and we can get it sorted.
[hatch clicks open]
Come on, Rachel.
It'll take five minutes.
"Whatever Declan wants, Declan
gets."
[Rachel humming]
[birds chirping]
-[engine revving]
-[humming continues]
-[leads clacking]
-[Rachel humming]
[bird squawking]
[lead clacking]
[humming intensifies]
Hail the Son of righteousness
Light and life to all he
Brings
Risen with healing in his
Wings
[key jangling]
[engine starting]
Try yours.
[engine trying to start]
[engine idling]
I just don't get it.
[sighs] I mean--
You replaced this battery, what,
four months ago?
Seriously. Just chuck this piece
of sh*t. Get a real car.
[Declan] Spoken like a true
mechanic.
[Rachel] Alright then. You tell
me.
[engine idling]
[Declan] I think we need a new
alternator to fix the solenoid.
I don't think the ignition coil
is connecting with the
distributor.
-You don't know it either do
you?
-I'm googling it right now.
[sighs] How long do you normally
leave it?
I don't know. Like five minutes?
Mum and I normally let it run
until we can't be bothered
waiting any longer.
[engine idling]
[Rachel] What are you doing
here, anyway?
Something wrong with the
motorway?
[Declan] Believe it or not, this
is actually the quickest route
to the recycling center.
[Rachel laughs]
Ask the Sat-Nav Lady.
Sat-Nav Lady clearly likes
the scenic route.
Going anywhere for New Year?
Keith, Calum and I got
the night off at the bar.
Fraser picked us up for
pre-drinking libations at his.
Then we went to a lap dancing
club, thank you very much.
Money well spent.
Not the Horse and Angel.
How did you know?
First, no way you and Calum are
drinking 12 mojitos at Diamond
Lace.
Liquorice Rooms is shut for
refurbishment. And Longfellows
are shut for the holidays.
-Jesus. What are you, a bouncer?
-What are you , 60?
I didn't think they let you in
without a Zimmer frame.
[Declan] Hardy har har.
Where there other
young guys in there?
[birds chirping]
-Tell the truth.
-The club is not as bad as you
think.
Hey, I'm not judging.
Sticky floors. Warm beer.
If that's what you're into,
chuck your coins
in the bucket with the other
pensioners.
You do you, dude.
[engine continues idling]
[Rachel singing] Pleased
Enough with flesh to dwell
Jesus, our Emmanuel
What did you do for New Year's?
Drinks with Layla and Pippa.
They've moved in together.
That's the house warming out of
the way.
A nice wee intimate gathering.
No, it was packed.
Everyone was there.
-Diane. Felicia.
-[seagulls chirping]
Oh, do you remember Nadia?
Lawyer from Stonewall?
-No, I don't think I've met her.
-Sure you have. Oh, and Kirsty?
Did you not come and watch
her drag king act with me?
Cabaret in the park?
No. You must be thinking of
your other brother.
Do you want to give
the ignition another go?
[Rachel] No. Let's leave it a
bit longer.
[birds chirping]
[inhales]
[Rachel] Is Stephanie too
hungover to help
you with the Christmas tree?
Sorry. None of my business.
Nah, you're all right.
I've got nothing to hide.
If it keeps you from singing.
She's back in Guildford.
Her Granny's visiting, so--
She's spending some family time
down South.
I'm supposed to go there
tomorrow, but you know.
We'll probably spend a week
down there. Maybe longer.
Good stuff.
I mean, she's not been down for
a while, has she?
Not since summer.
It'll give her plenty of time to
cleanse herself
from the stench of Scotland.
Breathe again.
Of course.
[snobby British accent] "The
plebs have their charms,
granted."
But there's only so much one can
be forced to endure this far
from civilization."
Yeah, yeah.
Just because she's English.
-Because she's posh.
-It's the same thing to you.
It's the same thing to her.
-I mean, she's been in Glasgow
what, seven years now?
-[Declan] Eight.
And you think she's happy here?
Seriously. This far from home?
Do you think she is?
Just tell the truth.
[Stephanie] It was never even a
question.
It was always assumed
that I would stay in Scotland.
That I would be here.
[Declan] We did talk about it
at the time.
[Stephanie laughs]
-[Declan] Well you've got to--
-In the context of...
"So when are you moving up
here?"
Because I'm sure as hell I'm
not going down South."
[chuckles]
[Declan] Do you want us to move
down South?
I mean we could.
You don't want that.
I don't want to make you do
things you don't want to do.
[Stephanie stammers]
There's no point in that.
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
Going south was--
Yeah. Sorry, it's--
She's fine there.
She's-- She's under a lot of
pressure
at the magazine and all
that and--
Missing her family.
You know, she's fine. Sh--
She'll be fine.
[inhales]
It's no one's fault.
Nothing to do with Scotland. You
know. So--
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
How did you convince her to
pretend
you two are still together?
What?
During Christmas.
We're-- We're not.
Did she--
How did you know?
I didn't. Until now. [inhales]
[footsteps]
Did you tell Mum?
Yep.
[can crashing]
She was gonna find out soon
enough for herself, anyway.
Come on, Dex. As if Her Majesty
was gonna be going around strip
clubs with you.
And Christmas?
You show up late. No presents.
All like, "Sorry we're late!
Here's a bottle of wine! I
don't know."
[Declan] I should have packed
the presents.
I-- I--
[Stephanie] It was my job. I
said I would do it
and I didn't do it.
Are you angry?
[Declan] I'm not. It's fine.
Honestly.
[Stephanie] You should be angry.
I'd be angry. I am angry.
[Declan] What do you want me
to say about that?
[Declan stammers]
I want you to be angry with me.
I want you to f*cking feel
something.
[Declan] You think I don't feel
anything?
[Stephanie laughs]
[Declan] It's just... it's
just--
[Declan stammers]
"It-uh-uh-uh..."
[Declan] You don't have to be
like that.
I know.
I'm sorry. It's just-- [sighs]
Every time is just "it's fine".
You know, describe our life?
"It's fine."
"It doesn't matter."
It does matter, actually.
You know?
You're not...?
-[Declan stammers]
-[Stephanie mocking]
[turn signal clicking]
[Declan] Drop off, pick up some
wine or something, that's
generally
what people bring to these
anyway.
"These! These!" Like, Christmas?
[sighs]
Yeah, we'll bring wine.
That's not enough.
They're hosting us again.
It's going to be awkward.
Why do you always stick your
nose into other people's
business?
I was at the table.
It couldn't not be my business.
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
I should be able to tell things
about my life in my own time.
You know I'm always here if you
want to talk about this stuff.
Oh, please! When do we ever
talk about this stuff?
You wanted to find out...
To have something to gossip
about
at New Year's with your mates.
You were looking forward to
Stephanie being gone.
-Well... [chuckles]
-You can put away the champagne,
Rach.
We're just taking some time off.
Do you know what that is?
Yep. Some bullshit on TV.
You're bullshit on TV.
People don't take time off.
You're either together or you're
not.
From your wealth of experience,
no doubt.
Yes, actually.
You were always so--
jealous and competitive with
her.
-Jealous and competitive?
-What else would you call it?
"f*ck off." Can I call it that?
I mean, I hope you're not
suggesting that Stephanie
took this time off from you
because of me.
Seriously?
Declan?
Do you not think sometimes you
struggle to see what's right in
front of you?
[Declan] I think you look hot.
[laughter]
I'm sorry. It's not--
Telling me I look hot does not
fix any of the things I've just
said.
And why do you wait until now
to tell me that I look hot,
anyway?
You could have told me at any
point.
[whimpers]
You never tell me that.
Unless...
...you've done something wrong,
and you're trying to make me
feel better.
It'd be nice if you did nice
things, said nice things.
Just because you wanted to.
Not as some weird apology.
You know, or a way of getting
out of an apology.
I mean, is that or is that not
true?
[Declan] Probably more true than
it isn't.
It's probably--
Just say yes, it's true!
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
That's probably true.
Probably.
Just say yes, it's true!
Do you want the truth?
Do you?
Sabotage.
What?
Sabotage!
You seized every dinner.
Every Christmas.
Every opportunity you had to be
mean and judgmental with her.
You didn't care how much I loved
her.
You just wanted the English
b*tch gone.
Dude. Get over yourself.
[Declan stammers]
You practically forced her to
leave me!
Yeah. It's all on me.
Because she's such a sensible,
reasonable person, isn't she?
She is, actually.
While you were being
catty and anglophobic with her,
she always tried her very best
to remain
patient and receptive with you.
Oh, that must have been hard for
her.
I've seen you do it.
All the time.
You nag her when I'm around.
You nag her when I'm not!
[Stephanie] I don't want to play
your family's
stupid party games!
They're stupid!
All of their children
are in their 20s!
Why do they make you do this
like f*cking kids?
[Declan] We can make up excuses
and not take part.
No! Because then they'll think
I'm more of a d*ck than they
already do!
[slams roof]
You know that they don't like
me.
You know that.
-[Declan] They like you.
-They don't!
[engine idling]
Go on.
What?
What else did your perfect girl
say about me behind my back?
Do you think she's wrong?
Oh, no. Guilty as charged.
I tell her off. I'm a child in
my 20s. Games are stupid.
Nothing else?
Stephanie doesn't hate you.
Never hated you.
-You're a sh*t liar. Do you know
that?
-[laughs]
She did agreed with me that
you were a bit of a diva.
She's one to talk.
They've been connected long
enough.
[footsteps]
[engine trying to start]
She's gone, dude. You can tell
me what she said about me.
Back off.
What have you got to lose?
I mean don't lean on the car.
Just tell the truth.
I'm not going to stand here and
satisfy your thirst for gossip.
You've-- You've never expressed
an interest
in my life before this.
And you did in mine?
I mind my own business.
It's my business if she's
chatting sh*t behind my back.
Stop acting like Mum.
You can't keep patronizing me
all the time.
f*ck off!
I'm not patronizing you.
You act like I've got something
to confess.
This is all stimming from your
stupid jealousy.
Who am I jealous of now?
Who?
Let's see.
Stephanie and I moved in
together and got jobs before you
did.
Even though you graduated first.
You're still stuck living with
Mum and and Dad
and have never had a boyfriend.
I was happy to drive you about,
but it's sad that all that time
you were just resenting me for
getting a car before you did.
This car?
This car that Dad bought you?
This car that you can't get
started?
-[disconnects leads]
-You can't do that while my
car's still running!
I'm touching the plastic.
Don't let the ends touch.
-You mean like this?
-[sparks crackling]
How long have you worked
in Arriba's?
Serving drinks on minimum wage?
It must do for your rent,
I suppose.
Unless you're running the bar
by now.
Your first and only job.
All those years of experience.
Has it been worth it?
[Declan stammers]
[Declan] I'm gonna--
-Start applying tomorrow--
-I don't believe you.
If you're happy with
what you're doing, great.
But I don't think you're happy
with what you're doing.
[Declan] Calum is a bit of a
d*ck.
But other than that, I like
working there.
Then why do I--
You wake me up every night when
you get home
to complain about your day.
Complain how much you hate
your colleagues and your job.
Why is that my nightly routine
if you're fine with what you're
doing?
[engine idling]
[Rachel] Seriously.
If I hear you whinge about that
bar at the table one more time
I will tear out your tongue
and toss it in the gravy.
[birds chirping]
[Rachel] But hey. You gotta hand
it to her.
She's spoiled, indecisive and
she can be a total shrew
sometimes.
But Stephanie's not stupid.
-Shrew?
-It's a thing. Look it up.
[Declan] She's not a shrew.
She's a handful, then. But she's
right.
You do hang onto that shite job.
Just because she can be a total
b*tch doesn't mean you should
ignore her.
At least I have a girlfriend
to ignore.
Not anymore.
What was that?
[phone keys clacking]
Do you know what
your problem is, Rach?
You think everyone's a shrew.
But you're the shrew.
24-7, shrew, shrew, shrew.
[Rachel] You're surrounded by
shrews, Declan.
Sure. Stephanie can be a shrew
sometimes.
But you, you enjoy being a
shrew.
It's shrew season, boys! Come
and get it!
First come, first served.
[Declan chuckles]
That's why the two of you
fought all the time, come to
think of it.
You two are so similar in your
shrewishness, you could be
soulmates.
[snobby British accent] "Rachel
is always performing
all the time."
"Rachel wants all the attention.
Hoo-bloody-hoo-hoo."
[laughs]
"We're her c*ptive audience. She
literally holds you hostage."
Sorry, Steph. Do you mean
literally or figuratively?
And I bet she complained about
my singing, too.
Do you think your sister will
sing again?
[Declan] What's wrong with her
singing?
She-- She--
You know what's wrong
with her singing. [laughs]
[Declan] She-- She--
" The holly and the ivy! "
-[Stephanie laughs]
-[Declan stammering]
[Declan] That's in tune! You did
that in tune.
So-- So you're saying she's in
tune, she's-- she's a good
singer.
Sure.
[Declan] Well, she's better than
you.
-[Stephanie laughs]
-[Declan stammering]
"People in glass houses." And
all that.
Yeah, but I'm not the one
always making everyone listen to
my...
...concert.
No, she--
She never mentioned it.
Not to me.
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
[engine turns off]
You gonna give it another go?
[footsteps]
[door closing]
[engine trying to start]
Dexy...
It's none of my business, but...
You don't have to lie to me.
Seriously. You've no reason to
feel ashamed.
You do tend to go for
difficult women, though.
[Declan] You don't have to be
dramatic about it.
-I am dramatic! That's who I am
as a person.
You need to love this bit about
me as well. I'm sorry.
Think this is...
I do love that part of you.
[Declan stammering]
-You clearly don't.
-You don't have to--
It doesn't have to happen,
but...
[Declan] I accept it.
It's like talking to a wall!
[sobs]
[Declan] I think I made a wrong
turn there.
So we're gonna be late,
as well. Great.
[birds chirping]
I have the same problem.
Come on, Rach.
Men aren't difficult.
Or maybe they are. But--
I suppose I wouldn't know, but--
Not in the same way.
When a woman--
dates a man--
It's more complicated than that.
[Rachel] Well it's a good thing
I don't date men.
[laughs] Yeah, right.
[birds chirping]
Wait.
You mean--
-You're a--
-Yep, I am.
[door clicks open]
[door closing]
Really?
Really, really.
[gravel crunching]
Did we not leave them connected
long enough or something?
You never told me.
Why wouldn't you tell me?
Did you tell Mum?
"Did you tell Mum?"
I don't know. I guess.
I didn't exactly hide it,
Declan.
Did you need it
on a f*cking billboard?
No. Just--
How else would I know?
Declan, it's always been there.
Right in front of you.
Did you ever look?
"Look" look?
Lean in a bit closer
to see what was happening?
It doesn't sound like you did.
So you probably didn't need to
know.
That's like don't ask, don't
tell. Isn't it?
More like don't be a
self-absorbed f*cking dickhead.
Mine was catchier.
Is there any expansion on the
battery?
No, I don't think so.
Hand me your drill.
-[footsteps]
-[birds chirping]
[drill whirring]
[drill whirring]
Are you sure you're not bi?
Bi is not a thing.
[drill whirring]
So...when people say--
[drill whirring]
[stammering] I mean...
There's only g*y, straight, or
in denial.
A bi woman is a straight hipster
out to score more brownie points
-from the Woke Police.
-[drill whirring]
Or a l*sbian afraid to lose her
job.
I suppose other lesbians
agree with you?
I don't really care if they do.
We don't have a party manifesto.
-What about bi men?
-I don't know any bi men.
[Rachel sighs]
So, Lambo66 says: "leave it
connected for ten minutes."
Then we turn yours on
while mine's still running.
Then turn both off.
Disconnect mine. Try yours.
Right.
[leads connecting]
-Do you have a girlfriend?
-No.
-But in the past?
-"Partner" is the term I prefer.
But yes. A few. In the past.
Do you practice safe sex?
Like condoms?
Nevemind. That was stupid.
-I keep my fingernails short.
-[sparks crackling]
Ouch!
[Declan] Yeah. I can see that.
-[birds chirping]
-[Rachel sighs]
[engine starting]
-Sorry. I shouldn't be asking
all these--
-Nah, you're alright.
I don't want to come across all
inquisitive and all that.
Ask away, dude.
[engine idling]
Do you watch porn?
Girls don't have to be g*y to
watch porn, Declan.
I know, but--
Do you ever watch it and think
"I wish I was with that girl?"
Sometimes.
But it's different.
I don't watch what you would
call l*sbian porn.
-What do you--
-You wouldn't like it.
But, yeah. I watch porn.
Not as much as you, mind.
[chuckles]
Alright. Girl crushes.
Seriously? We're doing this?
Yes, we are.
Okay.
[birds chirping]
I'm gonna go with...
Amanda Seyfried.
I like big eyes.
Like Saoirse Ronan?
Yeah. She's hot.
-Love the accent.
-[bird squawking]
-You like-- Billie Eilish?
-No.
I don't do heroin chic.
Or prozac chic.
Whatever her schtick is.
-Cara Delevingne?
-No. She scares me.
-Too manly?
-No! Just...
Intense.
What about you?
I don't know.
Brie Larson's alright.
-Allison Brie.
-Ooh.
Cheesy.
Cate Blanchett.
Ahh, like the extra mature, do
you?
She ages backwards, though.
She looks younger in The Hobbit
than in The Lord of the Rings .
It's an elf thing.
It's a CGI thing, Dex.
But you do you.
What about gentlemen's clubs?
[inhales]
It wouldn't be called
gentlemen's clubs, I guess, but
your case.
There's no such thing as
a "ladies club."
A strip club is a strip club.
Not my thing. Kirsty's the one
you want to speak to about that.
She could get you an audition.
-Very funny.
-Pays better than Arriba's.
Even at The Horse and Angel?
Don't say you've never been.
I'm never going back,
that's for sure.
But I know a couple of
the girls there.
How they stay up right on
platform pumps with those
sticky floors, I will never
know.
[inhales]
[inhaling continues]
Are you trying to work out if
you've had a private dance off a
lezzer?
[laughs] No.
"No" [laughs] f*ck off!
[sighs] Men are all the same.
Nah.
[inhales]
[keys jangling]
[bird squwaking]
Did you ever feel...
I don't know-- attracted to
Stephanie?
Oh, my God.
What? Do you think she's ugly?
It doesn't work like that,
Declan Lesbians don't want to
shag every woman they see.
Do you?
Sorry, stupid question.
[Rachel sighs]
And your sister's gonna tell me
that my skirt's too short again.
[Declan] She said that one time.
Like, a year and a half ago.
[stammering] It was a joke as
well.
It's not funny.
[Declan] She's not a funny
person.
[laughs] So she says unfunny
jokes.
Your sister hates me.
[Declan] She-- She's fine.
Of course. 'Cause everything
else is fine, isn't it?
Everything's fine! Everything in
our lives is wonderfully fine!
-[Declan] Who cares what she
thinks, though?
-I do! I care!
[birds chirping]
Do you think Stephanie
might be a l*sbian?
And now he's seeing
lesbians everywhere.
Look over there! In that bush!
Did you hear it?
Hmm.
-[Declan] So she's not?
-Definitely not.
Positively not. 100 percent.
How come you're so sure?
You dated her for five years,
Declan. Can't you tell?
I lived with you for 20,
and here we are.
Self-absorbed dickhead, right?
So explain it to me.
How do you know for sure?
Did you lean in closer
to see what was happening?
[inhales]
Did you need to know?
What I need to know...
is how to fix your shitty car
so I can f*ck off and not waste
the entire New Year on your
bullshit.
-[keys clatter]
-[bird squawking]
[footsteps]
[engine trying to start]
[sighs]
[Declan] So you did fancy her?
Dude. Believe what you like.
[Declan] If you fancied her,
just admit it.
-It's okay.
-[engine trying to start]
It clearly wouldn't be,
would it?
[Declan] I wouldn't blame you.
And with her gone, it doesn't
matter, but...
If you did, and
you're trying to hide it...
That must mean
there's something up.
Something up?
Maybe you wanted this to happen.
f*ck off.
Maybe you suspected she was g*y
and you wanted to make your
move.
So I could split you up?
We've done this one.
Maybe she fancied you back.
Perhaps you stood a chance.
You have ridiculous f*cking
ideas.
[rustling]
-[gravel crunching]
-[keys jangling]
[Declan] Okay. So I'm wrong.
I'm making a storm in a teacup.
You don't know if Stephanie is
l*sbian or not.
And never thought about it.
Let alone felt attracted to her.
True or false?
[rustling]
It's a simple question, Rachel.
Can you hear how stupid you
sound? Seriously?
No, I can't.
Answer the question.
Everything is a pissing contest
with you.
Then finish it. Answer me.
-What do you want me to say?
-Just tell the truth.
Alright!
We did it!
We dated for a while.
A couple of months.
Something stupid like that.
Before she even met you.
And then we broke up.
[grunts]
Are you happy now?
[birds chirping]
You're lying.
[Rachel] Ask her, then.
Stephanie hates you.
Always hated you.
I knew it. I f*cking knew it.
-Stop it.
-I can't!
I'm the gossip who badmouths the
Queen of England behind her
back!
The way she stares at you.
The way she enunciates.
The way she dresses.
Although, of course,
I'm one to talk.
Dressing all frumpy,
like I'm 50 or something.
[footsteps]
Rachel does not think I'm great.
[Declan] You're just thinking
about the skirt thing again.
[Declan stammers] Every time I
bring her up
you talk about the skirt thing.
It's like a joke.
It's not a joke.
She dresses like--
like she's 58 years old.
Even though she's 28.
[Declan] She's always had that
psychology
of being older than she is.
[birds chirping]
-Did she also--
-Throw it in my face?
Loved to do it.
All the time.
-Why wouldn't she tell me?
-I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
I can't see what she had to gain
by insisting on going out with
you.
Knowing about all this mess.
[Declan] Maybe her mind told her
to jump ship,
but her heart said otherwise.
Yeah. It was all because of
luuuv.
Why, then?
I don't know!
Masochism?
I mean that first night you
brought her round
to introduce her to mum and dad.
That was awkward.
I mean just from the "what the
f*ck" look on her face,
I'm surprised she didn't
bolt before dessert.
What did you tell her about me?
When?
Before you brought her around to
dinner.
[birds chirping]
You're not suggesting she knew I
was your brother before all
this mess. Are you?
Rachel, I'm beginning to worry
about you.
Yeah, it's me you need to worry
about.
Not the perfect loving
girlfriend who just
gave you the best Christmas
ever.
She was surprised to see you.
You said so yourself.
I wouldn't put it past her.
That's all I'm saying.
And none of this is
your jealousy talking again?
Whatever.
It's over. What's the point?
Stop crying over Her Majesty.
She's sure as sh*t not gonna cry
over.
She'll have moved on to her next
victim.
Probably already put herself
back on the market.
That's beneath you.
If you ask me...
To Stephanie you were a quick
rebound after I dumped her.
You dumped her ?
Yep.
Should have done it sooner.
[gravel crunching]
[whispers] Oh, f*ck off.
[footsteps]
[water flowing]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[Declan] We were together for
five years.
[Rachel] Yep.
We moved in together.
-We went to Spain.
-Was it Magaluf--
[Declan] Shut up.
When her grandfather died,
and we couldn't get back from
Spain
and all her stuck up parents
could think
about was the funeral and the
inheritance.
I was there for her.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
So take your rebound nonsense
and shove it up your arse.
You'll get over this.
You don't know what love is.
-Stop lying to yourself.
-You weren't there!
Stephanie and I were the real
thing.
Then why did she break up with
you?
Maybe you told her off once too
often
about how she takes an hour to
get ready.
And another hour to order
at the restaurant.
Or did she get more decisive
during your epic five-year
relationship?
Your appearance.
Did she scrutinize every detail
of it?
Tell you to plaster your face in
foundation?
To look [snobby British
accent] "a bit more
presentable?"
b*tch about your clothes.
Your hair. Your shoes.
All the while she stood there
dressed like a f*cking bimbo.
See-through shirt and
everything!
Ready to go out in a micro-skirt
a pole dancer wouldn't wear.
But God forbid you say anything
about how she looks.
[Stephanie] And I look like
sh*t.
[Declan] No. You look fine. You
look great.
No! I look like sh*t!
[sighs]
[Declan] Maybe shave the
eyebrows?
-f*ck off.
-[visor clicks and slams]
[Rachel] At least tell me you
didn't criticize
her eyebrows on Christmas Day.
[laughs] Oh, my God.
Is that why you fought?
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
It wasn't like that.
She's not like that.
[Stephanie] What do you think
you're actually saying?
What do you think your actions
say?
I--
How are we still having this
conversation
after so much time? [clapping]
There was more to it.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
Okay.
[footsteps]
Oh, please! I don't know why I
bother with you.
What have I said now?
[Declan] She was smart. Funny.
Kind. Bloody self-sacrificing.
She had to be in order to be
able to endure Christmas with
you, Mum and Dad
being all hostile and
embarrassing the entire time.
I was never hostile to her
at Christmas.
Oh, never!
You were always at
your most welcoming.
The very model of courtesy.
[Declan laughs] It all makes
perfect sense now.
I must have been
too stupid to see it.
Five years is a pretty long time
to be stupid for.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
Did you sleep with her while
Stephanie and I were together?
No.
Stephanie and I never f*cked
while you two were together.
Jealous and competitive.
I'm running out of nice ways
to explain this to you.
-Just tell the truth.
-Let it go.
You regret dumping Stephanie.
-You want her back.
-Stop it.
You missed your chance. You
don't have the right to get her
back.
The right?
I loved her better.
Because you're incapable!
"I loved her better! You're
incapable!" Listen to yourself!
Do you know what?
A pissing contest is what you
want?
Fine! You win! [claps]
Yours is bigger.
I don't even have one!
-No ba*ls, either.
-I don't want her!
Then why didn't you tell me
about the two of you?
[Rachel sighs]
[bird squawking]
Five years, Rachel.
You could have chosen
any time to tell me.
She asked me
not to say anything.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
I tried to get her to tell
you herself.
This weird triangle thing.
Do you think I wanted it?
I wanted to protect you.
I did.
That night you brought her
around to meet Mum and Dad...
I'm telling you, man.
I cornered her.
I told her... I insisted that
she break up with you before--
And the truth comes out.
At last.
-Thank you, Rachel.
-No. It wasn't like that. I
swear.
She's back on the market.
[Stephanie] Heaven forbid things
change!
That we go in a different
direction and
think about what I would like.
Well done.
-[Declan] I won't stop you.
-[running footsteps]
I didn't sleep with her
behind your back!
What were you two talking about?
What?
At Christmas.
After dinner.
Bottom of the stairs.
I was in my bedroom. You two
were directly underneath it.
I couldn't make out what you
were saying.
But it was definitely your
voice.
Stephanie was giggling.
You shushed her.
Were you two making plans
for the holidays?
You two going on a wee date?
She was drunk.
She didn't mean anything.
And?
And she kissed me.
And?
And nothing.
She kissed me.
She went upstairs to your room.
I haven't seen her since.
-[Declan] You're lying again.
-Dude!
[Declan] Just a wee peck from
your ex-l*sbian partner
under the mistletoe while I'm
upstairs out of here shot.
-Declan.
-Did she come to you all hot and
bothered?
Suppressed feelings? Mum and Dad
having a f*g outside?
Whisper some sh*t in your ear.
Then the kiss.
Maybe a bit of a feel
downstairs?
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
More likely the other way
around, wasn't it?
[Rachel] Do you know what?
This tabloid bullshit you're
jerking off to.
You want it to be true.
Because you want
to play the victim!
[slaps]
-[thuds]
-[Delcan grunts]
-[both grunting]
-[sheep bleating]
[both grunting]
[muffled grunting]
Tough guy! Are you happy now?
I'm happy I got to see
who you really are.
Oh yeah, and what am I?
[muffled] Begging for an
a*s-kicking, is what!
"Whatever Declan wants,
Declan gets!"
You're not Mum, Rachel.
You never will be.
Hair!
[grunts in pain]
I never wanted any of this.
You started it.
You started it! Five years ago!
I'm done with
your playground bullshit.
Then let go of my hair!
[panting]
[thuds]
[sighs]
[inhales]
[Declan moaning]
[inhales]
-
-[exhales]
I'm glad I got to see what
a butch d*ke c**t you are.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
I know what I am.
Do you?
Little wimpy cry-baby maggot!
[inhales]
[Declan grunts]
[heavy breaths]
[water flowing]
[wind blowing]
[inhales]
[tearing noise]
[sighs]
[hatch closes]
Don't do that.
I'm trying to stop the bleeding.
It doesn't work like that.
This is not a movie.
If it were a movie,
you'd be the bad guy.
[Declan] It's not a big deal--
Why am I-- Why am I always the
bad guy?
[Declan] You're not.
In this case, maybe.
But it's it's just bloody
presents.
It's not, though. It's--
It's your parents and stupid
sister--
She's not stupid. She's great.
She's nice.
[Declan] You're not the bad guy!
[wind blowing]
Make-your-girlfriend-mad type?
[laughing]
Might-seduce-your-Dad type
-I'm the bad guy...
-[laughing]
Duh
I can't help it. Born this way.
[Stephanie] Was I always like
this?
[Declan] No, you weren't.
[stammers] You're not--
a nagging, naggy--
You just said "you weren't." As
if you're saying that I am now.
[Declan] You weren't and aren't.
That's the definition of a
"never."
That's not what you were saying.
[Declan] I'm sorry.
You've been upset for a while.
And I know it seems like
I don't notice it. But I do.
I'm sorry. I should have been
more helpful.
If you noticed,
why didn't you say anything?
[Declan] I-- I want to make you
happy.
[Rachel] Did you?
[engine idling]
Every day of my life.
Since I turned 20.
[inhales]
What about your happiness?
[inhales]
I was terrified of
moving in with her.
I thought we could learn
together how better to be--
Ourselves.
Not just a son.
Or a daughter. Or an in-law.
Maybe it was too soon. I don't
know.
-[engine idling]
-[birds chirping]
I was wrong about you.
-[inhales]
-Seriously.
For years I thought you were
just a casual misogynist.
[Declan stammers]
Rachel, all that stuff I was
saying--
I know.
That's not who you are.
You're nice and all.
But some guys are like,
"nice" nice. You know?
"I'm so woke. I'm a feminist.
I'm a nice guy!"
Like it's a job interview
or something.
Just scared, intimidated little
boys
who resent women for their
failures.
And for their successes.
[inhales]
I'm sorry I misjudged you like
that.
[Stephanie] Why?
Why do I have
to make the sacrifices?
And you-- you just live your
life how you want to.
You get to keep being stubborn.
Keep doing things
on your terms. On your path.
Because you know, "Oh well, I
know better than you."
I know how this industry works,
I know how this works,
and I
know, you know, how to speak to
this person and you,
you're just a stupid little girl
and you can just,
you can just make the
sacrifices, even though you earn
more."
Yeah, I do earn more.
I know you don't like that.
I know that it's sh*t.
But that's just how it is!
[birds chirping]
[grass crunching]
[engine idling]
[wind blowing]
[Stephanie] I don't think I do
make you happy.
You just seem angry, or...
Not angry. In fact, the
opposite.
You just--
You just--
placate.
[Declan] Placate?
I'm not familiar with that word.
I just mean--
It's like--
Papering over the cracks.
[Declan] I'm sorry I was--
Don't f*cking say sorry!
It's not fair!
[wind blowing]
God, I'm so stupid.
[engine idling]
Let's have one last go at the
car.
-[key clicking]
-[engine turns off]
Wait.
sh*t.
[birds chirping]
Negative then positive. Always.
-I won't mind it, you know.
-[leads clacking]
Won't mind what?
[lead clacking]
You and Stephanie
getting back together again.
I won't stop you.
Go get her, Rach.
You have my blessing.
[gravel crunching]
What?
[screams]
Do I literally have to beat some
sense into your thick head?
Twice?
What do you mean?
First, the day I want a
blessing,
I'll go to a f*cking church.
I don't want
to get back with Stephanie.
It's okay. I get it.
You clearly don't.
Now you're the one lying to
yourself. Just tell the truth!
Seriously.
What is wrong with you?
You and I literally fought over
her.
If that doesn't prove you still
have feelings for Stephanie,
I don't know what does.
[sighs]
[hood slams]
-Where are you going?
-Home.
What about the car?
[hood slams]
[keys clacking]
-[door closes]
-[engine starting]
[engine revving]
[muffled] What did I do wrong
now?
[engine turns off]
Stephanie is not
a f*cking l*sbian.
I am. She's not.
End of.
[Declan] And she's not bi
either, I suppose?
I don't care.
She can get her brownie points
from someone else.
You don't know the first thing
about Stephanie.
She doesn't care for brownie
points.
Five years with you.
Two months with me.
You do the math.
It was you who broke up with
her!
And I'd do it again.
Because she doesn't fit
into your manifesto?
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[Declan] You couldn't give her
what she wanted.
Neither could you.
[Stephanie] Not that I want you
to get angry with me,
but I just--
Any kind of...
[sighs] Any kind of heightened
state of emotion would be.
I want you to feel
the good things as well.
I do feel the good things.
[Stephanie] You don't tell me
you feel the good things.
You think I don't like
being with you?
Well, I think you enjoy my
company, but I think you'd
also--
You'd also enjoy
the company of your cat.
Of course-- I--
[stammers]
I love you.
It's because of the job thing.
I've not been myself recently,
so--
I'm sorry if I've...
...not shown...
...love and stuff.
-I mean--
-[Stephanie] "Love and stuff."
That's a bad way of phrasing it.
Sorry.
[Stephanie] I want it to be
more...
...exciting than "love and
stuff."
Maybe that's greedy.
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
[footsteps]
-[door closes]
-[sighs]
She wasn't greedy.
I was.
[sobbing]
-[Rachel] Hey.
-[sobbing continues]
Look at me.
Any girl that would shack up
with her ex-girlfriend's
brother...
Nobody can give her
what she wants.
I really do love you.
It's just not the same.
Look at me.
[chuckles]
We still have Christmas.
[chuckles]
One more Christmas.
-Yeah.
-[engine starting]
[sighs]
Give it another go?
[birds chirping]
-[steam hissing]
-[coughing]
[coughing continues]
[inhales]
Leave it. Call your insurance.
Get it towed.
Better yet: I'll call my
breakdown cover directly.
You have breakdown cover?
Yeah. Of course.
So you mean all this time we--
Declan, you are unbelievable.
-[seat belt clicking]
-[door closes]
-[Declan chuckles]
-[Rachel sighs]
We still have the Christmas
tree.
[sighs]
[water flowing]
[splashing]
[water flowing]
[birds chirping]
[door closes]
[hatch, hood and door slam
close]
[engine starting]
[engine revving]
-[water flowing]
-[birds chirping]
-[radio beeps]
-[heavy metal music plays]
[Stephanie] Pick of the bunch.
That's you.
[Declan laughing]
[Declan] You're a--
I'm trying to think of
a Lidl-based joke.
"Take another Lidl piece
of my heart, now."
Comparing you to Lidl.
Is that the step too far?
[Stephanie laughs]
[Declan] Nah. You're Waitrose,
baby.
Marks & Spencers.
[Declan] No, definitely
Waitrose.
[Stephanie laughs]
[Declan] It's the accent.
You know what it's like down
South.
Just a Waitrose on every corner.
[Rachel] Yeah. See?
I never said it. She did.
It's not her fault
she was born like that.
[Declan] With a silver spoon in
her checkout.
[Rachel laughs]
And a stick up her bagging area.
You hate her because
she's good with makeup.
You hate her because she's posh.
-You mean English.
-[Rachel] Same difference.
[beeps]
[GPS] Starting route guidance.
[snobby British accent] "Oh, do
shut up, I say."
[thick Scottish brogue] "Aye,
shut yer hole and git tae f*ck,
ya wee slag."
[both laughing]
[laughing continues]
[Declan singing] Should auld
Acquaintance be forgot
And never brought tae mind
Should auld acquaintance be
Forgot
And Auld Lang Syne
For Auld Lang Syne, my Joe
For Auld Lang Syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness,
Yet
For Auld Lang Syne
[Rachel singing] We twa hae
Run about the braes
And pu'd the Gowans fine
But we've wandered mony a
Weary fit
Sin Auld Lang Syne
[both singing] And here's a
Hand my trusty feare
And gies a hand o' thine
And we'll tak a cup o'
Kindness yet
For Auld Lang Syne
For Auld Lang Syne, my Joe
For Auld Lang Syne
We'll tak a cup o' kindness
Yet
For Auld Lang Syne
[chuckles]
[engine trying to start]
[Rachel] Declan, you are
unbelievable.
-[clicking noise]
-[humming]
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Thistle in the Kiss, The (2025)
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