02x10 - Flatch or (Butter) Bust

[bunniefuu]

Shrub's been really into butter sculpting.

It's a tricky medium.

It's very slippery.

He thinks he's gonna get displayed

at the Butter Bust Museum,

depending where it ends up

- Flatch.

- Dude, I'm a shoo-in.

How much competition could there really be?

Shrub, what the heck? That is

not what my face looks like!

- Look at my neck!

- You want me to compromise

- Yeah!

- My vision? Yeah, okay.

- Easily.

- Shave it down.

- Great.

- Okay, I'll shave it down.

I'll shave it down right there.

Now it looks just like you!

I mean, she's kind of cute.

Action!

Welcome to Flatch.

"When Colonel Robert Flatch

dug this latrine at age 25,

"he had no idea a town

would spring up around it.

"I'm Barb Flatch,

and that man was my

great-great-great grandfather."

- No, cut, cut, sorry.

- You're missing a great.

It's your great-great-

great-great grandfather.

- Look, wait, look.

- Oh, here's the binder.

Here, look, this is him, okay?

- And certainly handsome.

- Nadine, stop ruining takes.

- Okay? That was close enough.

- Close enough

isn't good enough.

Okay? I promised you full access

to Historical Society records,

providing you maintain

full historical accuracy.

- That isn't true, is it?

- In what way?

Hmm, because I still haven't

met the Flatch Mummy.

Oh, my God, for the millionth time,

there is no Flatch Mummy.

Ladies, let's take five.

So Stan and Geoffrey, the guys from

the Butter Bust Museum

are actually going to look

at our rival town, Pockton,

to see if they want that to be

the home of the museum.

Frickin' Pockton.

I mean, they're dry toasters for sure.

- They don't even use butter.

- So we're making this video

to make sure that the

Butter Bust Museum comes here.

- That's right, okay?

- We're sh**ting a town promo.

Uh-oh! Might just have to make a documentary

out of your documentary.

What's it feel like?

Next stop Kentucky.

Shrub's auditioning for a play

outside of Louisville,

and he asked me to drive him,

and as a former performer,

I'm the perfect person to take him.

Yeah. Also, I'm I'm just

a really bad highway driver.

It's just it's too

fast, it's too furious,

and I just I get overwhelmed.

And on top of that, I get really distracted,

every time I drive by cows.

Cows are my favorite barnyard animal.

Sheep get all the hype,

but they're actually

just so much more beautiful.

Ooh! Forgot the road prunes.

It's kind of a great time

for me to get out of town.

Cheryl's moving her stuff out

after our breakup.

It's been hard.

But she's not getting these road prunes.

- Okay, Joe doesn't know this

- No one does

So don't tell anyone, but the real reason

I'm going to Louisville is to meet my dad,

Lloyd Sr.

I'm auditioning for his play.

He's, like, a director.

He has, like, a theater company

and everything.

They're doing a play called "Chrysalis,"

and I'm gonna get a part,

and we're gonna spend

times of time together, and then, you know,

when we're accepting

the Oscar for best play,

I'll reveal the truth.

"I was your son the whole time," you know?

Whaah!

But then again, I also see a scenario

where we meet today, we lock eyes,

and he knows exactly who I am, you know?

A Lloyd Mallet connection.

Uh, anyway, we're gonna be late.

Binghoffer, dude, we got to go!

Coming.

Sorry. I-I thought you'd be gone already.

Yeah, I forgot the road prunes.

Shrub and I, we're going to Louisville.

We're gonna be gone for a while,

so you and Mandy can

Oh, uh, yeah, uh

okay.

Well bye.

Bye.

I am going to be Airbnb-ing

Nan's old place from Barb,

but I can't take all of this with me.

It's just

a lot of this reminds me of Joe

like this.

We went to the aquarium

Joe got freaked out

because he thought the fish

had faces that were too human.

Time to let all of that go.

Just focus on me.

Be single.

Hey, think I might know

a buyer for your couch.

- Really? Who?

- Just a woman

I been talking to online Renee.

They say that the best way

to get out of one relationship

is to get into another.

It didn't specify it had to be yours.

Not that it's any of your business,

but Renee and I met in the comments section

on Home Depot's Instagram.

She had a righteous anger

about the increased price of potting soil.

I was right there with her.

And then we took it to the DMs.

One thing led to another,

and now we're texting.

She's cool, real cool.

Well, you should invite her over.

It's a perfect excuse to meet up.

It's a meet-couch.

It's a meet-couch

like a meet-cute.

Yeah. O-okay. I'll sh**t her a text.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Why don't you be careful

when you turn the pages, okay?

We don't want anything to rip.

I could figure out what I have to sh**t next

a lot faster if you'd let me

hold the binder.

Well, you're lucky I'm not

making you wear gloves.

You're backseat bindering.

Slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow, slow

Oh

Barb, Barb, Barb,

there's an entire page on you.

- What?

- Stalker. Stalker alert.

- I'm not a stalker.

- This is an historical dossier.

What do you get Hey, how do

you know my blood type?

I don't even know my blood type.

Well, just another service

the Historical Society provides.

Brace face!

Hey, you can laugh and make

fun of me all you want to,

but I won Best Smile four years in a row

because of those braces,

thank you very much.

- Maybe I should get some.

- Your birthday's this Thursday?

Barb, that's huge! We have to do something.

Oh, I already called my skywriting guy.

- We're gonna do skywriting.

- God, we're not skywriting.

We're not gonna do anything,

we're not gonna plan anything.

Except skywriting, and then that's it

- after the skywriting.

- We're not gonna sky write,

because look, look, listen,

girls, when you're my age,

your birthday's just another day.

It's really not that big of a deal.

I'm turning [BLEEP].

So what?

I mean, who celebrates turning [BLEEP]?

Dumb.

It's not that big of a deal.

- Let me see my chapter.

- Oh, it's uh, it's just a page

right now.

Oh, so all you got

is my name, my birthday, my blood type,

and a picture of me with braces.

Yeah. Well, you know,

you're Flatch-in-progress.

That's all you got, though?

Yeah, well, you're not dead yet, okay?

Like, I don't know, maybe the Flatch Mummy.

Don't say the Flatch Mummy! Don't stop.

There is no Flatch Mummy.

There may be a mummy.

You have the right address for the theater?

This seems like a residential neighborhood.

Ohh there he is. Dad.

Uh, the dir ector.

The director guy.

Wow, look at him. He is

Wow.

What are you doing?

- Um

- You okay?

I was just buggin' me.

Hello, beautiful people,

and welcome to the Lloyd Bush Acting Studio!

Temporarily located in my landlord's garage.

Thank you again, Dwayne. Blessings.

- You, like, live here?

- Like, in the garage?

Uh yes, yes, indeed, I do.

- Wow.

- But not to worry.

There'll be no favoritism here today.

Dwayne is auditioning

just like the rest of you.

Dude, this place is incredible.

What you have the

whole place to yourself?

- Are you kidding me?

- Is this a bit?

Uh a bit what?

You're an eager guy.

Would you like to kick off the auditions?

Uh, I have to t-talk to my agent,

uh, real quick.

Um

I feel like I'm gonna throw up

- a little bit.

- No, no, no.

- Just a tiny bit.

- You're not gonna throw up.

Don't throw up. If you throw up, I throw up.

- I hate throwing up.

- I'm gonna probably throw up.

I-it's nerves, okay? It's nerves.

- Okay.

- It's totally normal.

Okay, don't worry, Shrub.

This strange man's garage is a safe space.

I'll give you a little advice

from my A-Men days.

- Please.

- Shut your brain off.

Let your heart take over.

Well, if it's so easy, why don't you do it?

Yeah. Sure, why not?

I'll go first.

An agent willing to step

in the shoes of his client?

I am impressed.

- Thank you.

- All right.

You're gonna be reading

the part of Mr. Caterpillar.

Oh.

So just feel free to kind of

make it your own, okay?

Okeydokey.

Caterpillar.

- Action.

- Action.

"We stand here at the Silver Scalpel,

"a memorial to Frederick Flatch,

"my great-uncle twice removed.

"Despite never attending medical school,

"Frederick performed Flatch's first surgery

at the age of 31."

Frederick's patient died on the table,

but, I mean, it's still impressive.

The closest I've ever gotten

to performing surgery

is piercing my own ears.

And, you know, they got

infected about a month later.

Definitely never gonna win

the Best Ears contest.

It's fine, though,

'cause I win other contests.

Lots of 'em.

She's here!

Oh, gosh. Why did I hide?

Take it easy. Be chill.

Chill? I'm chill.

Mandy.

Hey.

- Renee, hey.

- Nice to, uh, finally meet you.

You too.

Hi!

I'm Cheryl, Mandy's friend.

The couch lady. Isn't she beautiful?

I designed her myself.

Uh, the color and the fabric.

I-I chose one of the two options.

It might be too big for my studio.

Oh.

Well, wait. Don't leave yet.

Uh, I mean, are you looking

for something else?

'Cause everything here is on sale.

Rad! Really?

Everything?

Uh

Yep!

Everything must go.

- Wow!

- And she'll give you

- a good price, too.

- Oh!

Get out of town!

You rule!

She flew away,

leavin' me behind on the cold, hard ground.

But there's one thing

that Lady Ladybug doesn't know.

I'm inching toward something new.

And one day soon,

I'm gonna be

A butterfly.

Scene.

That was beautiful.

I really connected with the character.

Hoo!

You got this, okay?

Turn your brain off, heart on.

I was drawn to her immediately.

Shiny red shell, beautiful black spots.

Hold on, let me just, um

Okay, do whatever

makes you feel comfortable.

Try it, uh, another way, if you like.

That's, uh, literally

maybe the best note

I've ever heard thank you.

'Cause I actually,

I do a really good Gollum.

I was drawn to her

shiny red shell,

beautiful black spotses,

beautiful black eyes.

- Gollum!

- Okay!

Gollum!

Thank you.

Ha ha. Thank you. But, um, I actually

I can keep going.

- There's

- No, no, no, I-I

No, I've seen enough.

You are, uh, certainly

creative.

- Yes.

- But I-I just

don't think you're right for my production.

I

Um dude, I-I

I literally am your production.

Oh, my God!

Don't take this personally!

- Oh, I will, actually.

- Keep acting!

Let this fuel you!

He'll be okay.

Mr. Caterpillar.

[BLEEP]!

Performing again was amazing.

What a rush! There's nothing like it.

But, of course, you know,

I couldn't accept the part.

I can't drive to Louisville

twice a week for rehearsals

unless I made a church trip out of it.

No, no.

No, Dwayne should have it.

His performance was out of this world.

Oh, my God! Can we go home now?

Yeah. Sorry!

- God.

- Let's go back to Flatch.

Okay, rolling,

set action!

"Discovered in 1932

by little Caroline Flatch

"at the age of 6,

the passageways of the caves

"span more than 11 miles.

"Today the caves are open for tours

and a major destination

for local school field trips."

- Okay.

- Okay!

It sounded more exciting on these.

You look good.

Barely out of the womb,

and Caroline frickin' Flatch

discovers a frickin' cave system.

You know what?

You guys go figure out where

we're gonna go next.

I'm gonna go pan for fake fossils

in the fake prospector's creek

because that's what I am a fake.

What?

Fake fossils?

Dude, that's my entire retirement plan!

That's not a plan.

Yeah, it is. What's your plan?

- Well, I have a 401.

- 401

Now you're just doing riddles.

I don't have time for this, Nadine.

Road prune?

I'm not hungry.

- Do you want to play I Spy?

- No, I don't.

I really just don't want to talk, actually.

Do you know how many boy bands rejected me

before A-Men?

Like, I don't actually

want to tell you the answer

because it's really embarrassing,

but I'm gonna tell you

if it'll make you feel better.

[BLEEP] times.

No, dude, it's not about the audition, dude.

My Gollum k*lled, obviously.

Then what's wrong, Shrug?

Lloyd is my dad.

Like, the director guy.

Oh.

Wow.

I mean, he didn't know I was coming,

but still, like, I thought

maybe he might have, like

a connection to me, you know, like, a

Like, a Spidey sense or, like,

when old people know

when it's gonna rain, but

he's just he didn't want me.

He's my dad, and he didn't want me again.

I didn't even see a cow.

Hey, Barb

you want some fudge?

There's just a little left.

I lied.

I actually had really big plans

for my birthday.

I was gonna go on a Jimmy Buffet cruise.

- Oh.

- Even prepaid

for the all-you-can-drink margarita pass.

But I haven't sold a single home

since I've been back here in Flatch.

Not one. So I can't afford a cheeseburger,

much less one in paradise.

Maybe you'll go next year.

I thought my life would be on track by now.

I mean, I'm almost [BLEEP],

and I am broke and single

and living back in my hometown.

Do you have any idea what it's like

to be a Flatch in Flatch?

Being a Kennedy in Hyannis Port.

Amazing, I bet.

- Give me that.

- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

I've been waiting for someone to ask.

Everywhere I look, everywhere I go,

this Flatch built that,

or this Flatch achieved that, or

Oh, this Flatch died

in some really cool way.

But Barb Flatch?

Barb Flatch hasn't done a thing.

That is not true, Barb.

Yeah, it's true. Please don't, Kelly.

I'm sorry, but this video is

It's pointless.

Those butter guys are never

gonna bring it to Flatch.

It's old and useless, just like me.

Let it go.

- Wait

- It's not gonna happen.

- Wow.

- I know.

She took the binder.

You sure you don't want anything

from the sell or donate piles?

I should stop here.

Thanks for letting me "shop Cheryl."

Hey, I bet that Mandy here

could help you haul it all home.

You can borrow my truck.

You can't keep it, though.

- Sure, I'd love to.

- Oh, that's fine.

There's enough room in my car,

especially since I'm not taking the couch.

Oh, yeah, okay.

- Sure, yeah.

- Thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

Renee, if that's your real name.

It is?

You're taking half my stuff,

but you are not taking the couch?

- Cheryl

- I mean, this couch

is an incredible catch.

If you think you're too good for this couch,

which, by the way, is impossible,

because look at her,

then, yes, you can skedaddle.

I am gonna skedaddle,

but to be clear,

I don't think I'm too good for you.

Honestly, I'd love to take you on a date.

But your friend is

a lot.

She's a part of the package.

- Take it or leave it.

- That's nice.

Oh, also, you gonna

have to leave everything here.

None of it was for sale.

I lied, and I panicked.

I just wanted you to stay.

That's intense but also

kind of flattering.

Exactly the the vibe I was goin' for.

I'll text you later.

But I'm still not taking the couch.

- Yes, heard, Renee.

- Okay.

Why are we stopping? Is it the prunes?

Nope. It's that.

Piswall's cow?

Now you've seen a cow.

You see, Shrub, this trip

wasn't a complete loss.

Okay, well, technically, this is a cheat,

but I actually really appreciate it.

Thank you.

I know I'm not your dad, but I could be a

kind of stand-in if you need it.

'Cause you know I've got the acting chops.

At least when it comes to playing insects.

Ah, look at her. She is beautiful.

Barb's been like this for days.

She hasn't even showered, which is weird,

because she has changed her wigs.

And today's her birthday.

This stops now.

Hey, there, Barb.

Big day.

Why don't you put down that wine

and come with me?

Okay. Let's just

Give me that. No, no

Why are you so strong? Oh, my

Okay, come on. Let's go.

Come on, let's go. Get up.

Get out of the cha

This rug needs to be vacuumed.

Okay, so I know you said

not to make the video

- Kelly

- I know, I know, I know,

but, you know,

maybe we just give it a watch.

Oh, my God, it's playing! What?

Colonel Robert Flatch

founded this town in 1810

via latrine, but the Flatch family

didn't stop there.

That family of hotties

just kept doing stuff,

performing unlicensed surgeries,

discovering caves

Truly a family of overachievers.

But who cares about all those guys?

They're all old and dead.

Lucky for us, there's still one Flatch

who's alive as hell.

Welcome to Flatch.

Barb Flatch.

And Barb's not just the hotty of all hotties

who won Best Smile four years in a row.

She's back in Flatch

doing everything she can

to make it a better place.

Okay, Barb's a job creator

who hires local artists

and mentors the town's young women.

Select woman Barb Flatch

is giving back to this town

with her time and energy.

She's truly invested.

If you bring the

Butter Bust Museum to Flatch,

she'll throw herself

into making it a success

just like she's helping all of us.

Yeah, she is.

I love it.

But you you didn't actually send this

to the butter guys, did you?

Barb!

Of course we sent it.

Not only did we send it,

but they actually responded pretty quick.

Oh.

Shall we?

"Hey, Kelly." They know my name.

Oh, my God. They want to come and visit!

- Wait. We still have a chance!

- Yeah, girl.

This is totally gonna be your year!

Speaking of

Toot, toot! All aboard!

- Whoo!

- Whoo!

Okay, this is just like a cruise, right?

- Except no food poisoning.

- I love it.

Why is it your

birthday, but I'm so happy?

- 'Cause you love me.

- Yeah.

Cheers!