02x12 - What Are You, Chicken?

[bunniefuu]

So I said some kind of harsh things

about Shrub's dad, which wasn't cool.

And my dad is a loser,

so I'm giving Shrub a "gotcha."

Hey, stop talking. I'm trying to aim.

Three, two.

[LAUGHING]

Gotcha. [WHEEZES]

You flinched. I get to do it again.

- Aah!

- [LAUGHS]

So it turns out my dad

is the porch pirate,

which is super messed up,

and I'm gonna fix it.

I'm secretly returning

everyone's package,

and I'm making it right.

I'm calling it "the Great Un-Grinching."

You know, giving

this super sucky situation

a name makes it a little bit less sucky.

[WHISPERING] Did you place it label-up?

Duh, you know I can't, like,

do this all day, right?

I have to paint the curb on Rosewell.

- Come on. Go.

- No.

Yes, you can.

Grab it.

Ooh.

Being single is all about

figuring out who you are,

and I am a chicken person. [LAUGHS]

So I entered Lulabelle into a

poultry show at the Agricultural Fair.

You know,

meet some other chicken people.

Oh. Whoa. [LAUGHS]

I've been showing her "Drag Race"

to get her prepared for the competition.

Even though you're a hen, you

gotta bring that rooster realness

or you are going to get dragged

out there.

You are in your chickenness.

You are the most chicken

of all the chickens.

Bawk, bawk!

Joe and I agreed to be judges

at the Agricultural Fair,

so I'm here to drop off

his official judge's sash.

You know, I didn't get

into politics for the perks,

but if you're telling me

that I get to eat pecan pie

and pet baby goats [LAUGHS]

Call me corrupt.

Uh, yes, please.

Joe? [SNIFFS]

Good God! What is that smell?

Are you eating a butter bust

of your own face?

Yeah.

Shrub has been practicing with

butter art, and he made this for me.

- Mm.

- You should try

eating yourself sometime.

It's oddly soothing.

Oh, my God, he is so bad off.

I cannot let him represent

Flatch like this

at the Agricultural Fair.

Embarrassing.

Am I afraid to see Cheryl?

No. I'm terrified.

I don't wanna relive

that pain all over again.

So maybe I haven't left the house.

Maybe I've gained three pounds

in two days,

hence the overalls.

Honey, you can't eat

your feelings after a breakup.

Oops.

Oh, my God.

We have a lot of work to do.

Hey, Kel.

Can I talk to you over here

for a second?

[DOG BARKING IN THE DISTANCE]

Fine.

So I, um

I noticed some

of my packages were missing,

and you're the only one

that knew about 'em.

Yeah, I took 'em,

and I'm giving 'em back.

I got to admit, the way you broke in

and got 'em without me noticing

is pretty impressive.

So it got me thinkin',

we should team up on this thing.

Real family business.

Come on. You're better than this.

What's the big deal?

Packages are insured.

People report 'em missing,

and then they get a new one

in a few weeks.

It's a victimless crime.

Come on. Whaddaya say? You in?

No. I'm not in, Dad, okay?

I'm not gonna steal from Flatch.

That's how it's gonna be? Fine, Kel.

Then stay the hell out of my business.

And remember,

Mallets don't rat on Mallets.

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

Okay, you ready? Put 'em in.

- I don't think I can.

- You have to.

Until I burn

my terry cloth breakup Snuggie,

I could not shake

from the bondage of sadness.

- Bye.

- That a boy.

Oh.

- I changed my mind!

- No!

It's too late. Let it go.

Now, next order of business,

you need to wash that stink off you.

Like, how much stuff did June order?

- My God.

- I don't know. She's old.

What else does she have to do?

I can't wait to be old and just

order whatever I see on TV.

Yeah, like look at this. Look at this.

The talking toilet paper roll.

[ROBOTICALLY] Wipe your butt now.

I see you pee.

- What's going on out here

- Whoa!

[GASPS] My packages!

I can't believe

you two are the porch pirates.

I'm ashamed of you both!

It wasn't us!

I'm calling the police.

Great job.

- Don't forget to flush.

- I didn't.

It's rare I get called out to Flatch

for criminal activity, but here we are.

Okay, so we found six stolen

packages in your possession.

Is there anything you wanna say

for yourselves?

Oh, yeah. There is something I'd love

to say is that you didn't

read me my Madonna rights.

[SCOFFS] I think you mean Miranda.

Yeah, the Lin-Manuel Miranda

rights, sure,

'cause those exist.

Look, you two are not under arrest.

I'm just asking some questions.

So how did you get the packages?

Uh, you wish, okay? Mallets don't rat.

Yeah! Heard that, huh?

I'm not talking!

I see you back there.

Who we got, the Feds?

That's not a two-way mirror.

What's next? Lie detector?

- No.

- Good.

'Cause I know how to beat it:

hot sauce to the eye.

How 'bout you just answer my questions?

Uh, how 'bout you give me my phone call?

How 'bout that?

You can't make a call in here.

Are you kidding me?

Everyone gets a phone call!

Also, I want a lawyer.

That where does that come in?

Oh, my God, you cannot make

a phone call in here

because there's no signal.

If you wanna use the phone, go outside.

- Go.

- Just be back here

- in ten minutes.

- Okay, whatever.

Okay, why did you have

your packages in a garbage bag?

Where'd you grow up?

Huh?

Look at you going beak-to-beak

at the Agricultural Fair.

- Big deal.

- No.

Mandy, this is just for fun.

Fun? What?

Have you ever been to the Aggy Fair?

No, but it's a fair. Fairs are fun.

Those chicken people are intense.

If they smell even one ounce

of fear on you,

they will fry you faster than

you can say Colonel Sanders.

Okay, Mandy. [LAUGHS]

Look, this is supposed

to be no pressure.

If Lulabelle and I win, we win, if not,

we go get a piece of pie

from the midway.

Look, I love Cheryl.

That's my snow sister.

But she's naive,

so I'm gonna have to go there

to have her back

because Big Mandy's nice,

but if you cross me,

I will become a wolf in your henhouse.

I love messin' with people's day.

Which Mickey do you want?

I have no idea.

None.

First step in a Barb makeover

is "New do, new you."

Now, what haircut makes you

feel most powerful?

- I don't know, Barb.

- You don't know. [LAUGHS]

When you were at your best,

what was your haircut?

I guess it would look like

it looked when I was in A-Men.

Great. Let's do that.

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you know how to frost my tips?

Does a praying mantis

know how to eat her lover?

♪

Hey, Lloyd, it's me, Daniel Stewart.

Um, I just wanted to call

and let you know

that I'm probably not gonna be

in class for a while,

but I've super enjoyed

learning everything

that you've taught me.

Um, also, if you've heard any rumors

about me being a thief, it

They're absolutely not true.

Um, feel free to give me a call back,

and I'll clarify everything.

[CLEARS THROAT] Okay, thank you.

Oh, I was just leaving Lloyd a message.

You know, I don't want my dad,

who doesn't know he's my dad,

to think less of me before

he finds out he's my dad,

you know?

As first-time offenders,

you will be receiving a fine

and 25 hours of community service.

- [GROANS]

- Okay.

How 'bout instead one hour

of community service

and we drive around with the sirens on

as a learning experience?

Or I send you to prison for

arguing with a police officer.

No, please, no, no, no, no.

Kelly did it. Kelly made me do it.

I'm sorry. What? You should be the one

to go to jail, not me.

You're a rat. You should go to jail.

- Are you serious?

- No, you know who should

actually go to jail?

- Don't.

- Your

Hey, hey! Enough! All right?

You know, if you two did go to jail

Actually, you'd probably be fine.

- Don't I know.

- But you, on the other hand,

pale and frail.

They would eat you alive.

Nothing you can say ♪

Pig racing at Pavilion C

will begin at 2:00.

Okay, everybody.

Introducing the new Judge Joe.

Isn't it great?

I forgot how my tips make me

look like a magical porcupine.

- How do you feel?

- Better.

But what if I run into Cheryl?

Well, the old Father Joe

wouldn't have been able

to handle it because he was sad

and pathetic,

but today, you are Judge Joe

All business, can handle anything.

- You ready?

- I think so.

Chest out. Head up.

Now, let's go eat some pies

and judge some people.

[COW MOOS]

Hi.

- Are you new?

- Oh, yes. How can you tell?

Because you look like

you're out of your league.

Excuse me?

I'm Molly McConnell,

and I win blue ribbon every year.

Good luck! But not really.

[GASPS]

Don't flip your hair at me.

Mandy, thank God.

You were right.

These people are vicious.

I think we might have

to fight a pre-teen.

Okay, see, thing is, I just saw Renee.

- Couch Renee?

- Okay, first of all,

that's a terrible nickname, but yes.

She's in the Lumber Jill competition,

and I wanted to check her out.

We kind of left things up

in the air last time,

so it'd be nice to see where we stand.

Wait, does that mean you're leaving me?

What about all these intense people

who are out to eat me?

Hey, hey, hey, little lamb,

if I could clone Mandy, I would.

Hell, I've tried,

but the truth is, you got this.

I believe in you, okay?

Now if you don't mind,

I'm gonna eat, pray,

axe-throw my way into love.

Gotta get my lady ♪

Be safe.

That little girl's vicious.

- [SIGHS]

[GRUNTS, EXHALES]

Oh, this smells worse than

when Mr. Noggle would take off

his shoes in bio class.

God, this is not community service.

This is hell.

I should never have helped you.

I should've just stuck to my curb.

I'm sorry, Saint Shrub.

I look up to you. You're a hero.

You've never made a mistake.

Dude, why are you protecting Bobby?

Uh, maybe 'cause,

unlike you, I'm not a rat.

You're a liar!

That's worse than being a rat.

- You're you're lying.

- I'm not gonna tell

- on my family, okay?

- That is what

Oh, wow. Look. Here they are.

Look. These are criminals.

- What do you want, Nadine?

- Oh, I'm just trying

to teach Chantal and Griffin

the value of being good.

Look, look, look. This is what happens

when you don't brush your teeth

or eat your vegetables.

You turn into two stinky

degenerates scoopin' poop

in front of the whole town.

- That's not true, Chantal.

- The whole town.

[COW MOOS]

Oops.

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪

[BLEATS]

[HAIRDRYER WHIRRING]

I gotcha.

[LAUGHING] What is she doing?

I don't know.

One half hour.

Did I know she would be here?

No.

But am I a total professional

who can handle his emotions?

Yes.

I don't see Cheryl.

I just see a chicken mom

looking to compete.

Don't be nervous.

Hello, ma'am.

I will be your judge today.

Joe, you're here, and a judge with tips?

Just trying something new

that's old, you know?

Yeah, it looks great.

Ma'am, flattery is not gonna

influence my vote.

[LAUGHS] "Ma'am"? Oh, come on, Joe.

I'm gonna need you to leave

so I can examine your chicken.

You mean Lulabelle?

No first names, please.

Right now, she's just Chicken 153 to me.

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

"Shy-rile."

Okay.

Come on, Joe.

Don't you think this behavior's

a little extreme?

Judge Joe.

Now, if you don't mind

Sign up if you're interested

in participating

- Fun for all.

- Mm-hmm.

Hey, girlie.

Saw this deep-fried Twinkie

and immediately thought, "Kelly."

Oh.

So you don't know about the packages?

Of course I do. I have to say,

I'm pretty disappointed.

I thought you were over

that kind of stuff by now.

We're starting a business together.

You're right, and I am over

that kind of stuff.

That's not like me at all,

and it will not happen again.

It was a one-time mistake.

Please don't fire me.

Kelly, honey, I'm not gonna fire you.

I I have made plenty

of my own mistakes too.

And I went through a klepto

stage when I was your age.

- What?

- Yeah, yeah.

I stole makeup and lingerie and, oh,

paintings from restaurant bathrooms.

But you have to grow up now.

- I will.

- As businesswomen,

the way people see us matters, okay?

When people see me, they go,

"Oh, there goes Barb.

"She's confident and sexy and,

you know, approachable,

- "yet intimidating."

- Mm-hmm.

"She's an Aquarius in a Virgo's body.

"She's a leader, a mentor,

somebody that people

wanna be reincarnated as."

Yes, I totally see all of that.

Yeah, so you have to figure

out what that means for you.

Who do you wanna be? Who do

you want people to see Kelly Mallet as?

Oh, hey, Barb, um,

so for the curb on Rosewell,

I was thinking instead of red,

what if we did houndstooth?

To me, it just screams like

"Don't park here."

I'm sorry, Shrub, but since

you stole from the town,

you can't work for the town anymore.

Wait, but what about you

understanding klepto phases,

- you get it?

- Yeah, as realtor Barb

absolutely understands,

but as selectwoman Barb,

I can't let that slide.

[GROANS]

If you'll excuse me, those baby goats

aren't gonna judge themselves.

Are you kidding me, Kel?

Dude, I literally just lost

the only job I've ever liked

'cause you're protecting

your stupid dad! Again!

Mallets don't rat out Mallets, dude.

Well, I'm done being

the Mallet that you screw over.

Shrub. [GATE SLAMS]

I'm so done.

Folks, come see the biggest

pig in the state at the

Hi, Renee. Nice to see you again.

Let's see how nice it is

after I kick your friend's butt.

I thought you just came to watch.

I did, but then when I got here,

you know, the inner competitor

in me took over.

Look, there are different ways

that people flirt.

And beating you and lettin' you

see how lucky you are

to have me is my love language.

Now step out.

You in my axe-throwing lane.

I ain't got nothing ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's one for me. None for you.

Good luck, kinda.

What the?

Joel gave her a three out of ten.

Too bad, so sad.

See ya next year.

Dad!

Hey, Kel.

Whaddaya want?

Change your mind about

my, uh, proposition?

No, Dad, I didn't.

Shrub is the Mallet I should

be protecting, not you, okay?

I need you to turn yourself in.

Don't know what you're talking about.

Dad, Shrub lost his job

because of what you did,

and everyone in town hates us.

Again, I don't know

what you're talking about.

But if I did, I would say, you know,

don't worry about it.

Town'll move on in a couple of weeks.

Come on, I screw people over

all the time,

and they still buy my Christmas trees.

It's what we do.

I've actually been trying to be a

respectable businesswoman in town.

And if being a Mallet

means everyone thinks

you're gonna screw them over,

then maybe I don't wanna be a Mallet.

What are you sayin', Kel?

Turn yourself in or I will.

Tomorrow's the monthly town meeting,

so you have until then to fix this.

Kel, let's talk about this some more.

- Come on.

- We just did, Dad.

Kel, don't be like that.

Come on. Damn it. Jeez.

Hey, that was all off-the-record.

Just outta my face. Out, out!

[UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪

No.

[CLEARS THROAT] What is this?

A pattypan squash

with admirable symmetry.

No, not that. This.

Three?

I know that you are just

taking your anger at me

out on Lulabelle.

Don't know what you mean. I'm not mad.

That was a fair score for Chicken 153.

Oh, if you call her

"Chicken 153" one more time

Okay, okay, Lulabelle.

She didn't look her best today.

You know, she looked underweight.

Her feathers were molting.

Maybe it's because she's sad

that her home was broken up,

and she had no say in the matter.

Okay, Joe. What do you wanna say?

I miss you, Cheryl.

I miss slipper Thursdays

and trying to win

call-in contests on the radio

and chocolate-covered pickles.

Well, I never liked those last ones.

That was all you.

It just feels like you're moving on,

and I'm alone.

You're not alone.

And we can still hang out

and do fun things as friends.

[SIGHS] Lulabelle is molting.

And maybe it is because she's sad,

but I mean, maybe it's also

because she is making way

for a whole new set of shiny

new feathers, you know,

like those crazy, crazy tips of yours.

Crazy?

- Or magical?

- I'm not gonna answer

'cause we're having a nice moment here.

Whoa, Guy Fieri here, stopping by.

- Come on.

- Oh, my gosh, you won.

Oh, she didn't just win.

She dominated.

I did, didn't I?

[NOTIFICATION BOINGING]

[SOFTLY] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[NORMALLY] Hey, Lloyd. What's up?

So my dad just called me to

give me some fatherly advice.

And he says, and I quote,

"Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it."

Just so profound, so simple.

Just my first piece of fatherly advice.

Pretty awesome.

Today was pretty amazing. [LAUGHS]

It was nice to feel

that competitive fire again.

And maybe chicken people

aren't my people,

but it was good

to get some closure with Joe.

Oh, and more importantly, I won.

[LAUGHS SMUGLY]

Yeah, I was voted Best Chicken Handler.

Does it help to have a friend

who's a judge?

Who's to say?

I mean, yes, definitely.

What happened here today is a travesty,

and I will be reporting it

to the Poultry Board of Ohio.

That is a "no" on storing beehives

in the middle school during spring break

'cause that is absolutely ridiculous.

And Mr. Piswall, the board will

be returning your hunting gifts

because that's ill*gal.

'Kay, now if that is all

the new business

we have to discuss, this concludes

No. Hold on.

Um, I have something to say

about the porch pirate.

Uh, it wasn't us. Okay?

Shrub and I didn't do it.

We're innocent.

Okay, well, then if it wasn't you two,

who was it?

[SIGHS]

It was my dad. [PEOPLE GASPING]

What?

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

If you haven't already

received your package,

you can find the rest of them

in his garage.

And I'm sorry

for not coming forward earlier.

And I'm sorry for potentially

embarrassing you.

You know, I know you ordered

eight copies of "Garden State."

You haven't got those yet.

Um, and I just really, really

don't want Shrub and I

to go down for something we didn't do,

especially not Shrub,

'cause he's super awesome

and he really could not survive

in prison,

so thank you so much.

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

How are we supposed to believe a Mallet

when they're all liars?

- [EVERYONE AGREEING]

- Shut up!

Don't talk about my family

like that, Len.

Yeah, actually, this entire town needs

to change the way

they see Mallets, okay?

Yeah, also, if I went to prison,

I'd be totally fine, okay?

'Cause I'm charming, I'm hilarious,

and I would establish dominance

right away.

Don't push it, dude. You wouldn't.

So my dad left town.

Like, he totally disappeared. [SIGHS]

But we returned the packages

and cleared our names.

And the best part

is that Shrub got his job back.

Tell me this houndstooth isn't better.

I mean, it could be

a calling card for us.

Like, "You know Flatch,

the place with the iconic curbs."

Like a rebrand, if you will.

Yes, and we're gonna rebrand our name.

- Look at that.

- Yep, painted that too.

- You're talented.

- Eh.

Hey! Did you Mallets graffiti my wall?

Run! Run, run, run, run, run!

- Go!

- Go, go, go!

I said run, not jog!

Like, what are you doing?

- Pants.

- Run!

My underwear's, like,

fully in my butt, dude.