01x15 - Tony Baloney

[bunniefuu]

It's original ♪

Like me.

[opening theme music plays]

[Arlo] We all need

Someone to hold us up ♪

To help us on

We make each other better ♪

Though the world's not always right

Tough times, they can make us strong ♪

We all belong

We're beautiful together ♪

We're beautiful together ♪

- [all] Yam

- [Arlo in sing-song] Yam

Yam, yam, yam, yam, yam

- Yam.

- [chomping, chewing]

- [gasps]

- [rat chitters]

Uh, Tony, what's going on?

It's my parents.

They finally died, huh?

Worse. Worse! They're coming to visit.

What? I love it when my dad visits me.

Until I worry that I've disappointed him.

But then I haven't.

But someday I really might.

I love my parents. I do.

But ever since I stopped committing crimes

and started a legit pizza business,

I feel like they don't respect me.

Oh, come on.

[Tony] No!

I come from a long line of con artists,

thieves, crooks, scammers,

cheaters, tricksters, hustlers, swindlers,

grifters, charlatans,

counterfeiters, absconders, and

[inhales]flimflammers.

Neat.

To them, if you're not scamming

or stealing, you're a failure.

You're living your dream,

and your parents need to see that.

- [groans]

- This place is impressive.

What if we help you give it

a little zhuzh to make it sparkle?

Yeah. We'll all help show them

how impressive you are.

You'd do that? For me?

Of course.

You just need a little glow up, honey.

[Alia] They're not here yet.

[Furlecia] Just a little bit more.

- No sign of them yet.

- And yessa.

[gasps] Wow.

I'm so nervous my feet are sweating.

[puddling]

Doesn't matter. Voilà. I'm untouchable.

- [hip hop plays]

- [Alia gasps]

[door chimes]

Not even a hello? How rude.

- They're coming today, right?

- [thudding]

[muffled, unintelligible yelling]

- [dad] Alley-oop!

- [mom] Ah.

[traditional music plays]

Tony's parents?

What'd I tell ya?

Cheapest way for two people to travel.

I told you, I prefer priority mail.

My hair is a mess!

- Eh. You sure this is the place?

- This is the address he gave me.

Ah

The underground casino

must be in the back.

[chuckles]

Anyways, looks like we got

a couple of marks in here.

Hup! Ah

Now, who's up for a little game of chance?

Uh

Who could play cards when there's

such delicious pizza to be had?

[clears throat]

[under breath] Huh? Alia. Alia?

[chuckles] Oh, right.

This is my favorite pizza shop in town.

The crust is good and so is the cheese.

This place must be successful.

All right, settle down, everyone.

My baby!

Mama!

- Mwah!

- [stammers] Papa!

Ah! Come here!

[laughs] Oh!

[inhales] So, who did you

steal this pizza place from, eh? Eh?

No, Pops, I, uh, I didn't steal.

Oh, Tony, a pizza business

is such a convincing front.

[inhales deeply] It's not a front, Mama.

It's legit.

- Tony! No! [sobs]

- I thought we raised you better than that!

Huh. [muttering]

You're breaking your mother's heart!

Mama, don't cry.

Business is booming. It's a cash cow.

I'm like the mayor of this place.

Watch this. Everybody out!

This is now

a private dining establishment.

- [Alia] They must be VIPs.

- [Bertie] Wow, they must be the Governor

or the Governor's stepchildren

or something.

- [Alia] This place attracts a lot of

- [clatters]

How much cash are you pulling in?

Your cousin Tonzini Jr

pulls in six G's a day

with the laundry/laundering business.

Twice that, Pops.

I've even got my own personal assistant.

[claps]

Hi!

[yelps] Get it off! Get it off!

- Somebody get it off me. Get off me.

- [clattering]

Hello. Please won't you join us.

Well. [chuckles] To do, to do, sir.

One of my finest pizzas coming right up.

Something in here must be stolen.

So, I hear you've known Tony

since birth, right?

Yes, I gave birth to him.

Fascinating. Fascinating.

I have no idea

how the birthing process works.

- [thuds]

- Okay, thank you, assistant.

Here you are.

- What is it, huh?

- It's pizza, Mama.

That's it?

Just taste it.

- Nothing crooked about it?

- No.

[both sigh]

What would your ancestors think?

Giving up our family traditions

of stealing and swindling

to make these little pizzettas.

I'm doing what I love, Papa.

Making delicious pizzas

and selling them to paying customers.

And it says right here,

on my laptop computer,

you've also got 5,678 emails.

Ha, ha, ha!

[imitating computer noises]

And

Oh!

Banana phone call. Hello? A meeting?

Sir Tony, the president wants to meet you

and give you a medal for pizza-making.

Uh, I stole this hot dog from a seagull

that stole it from a man.

Can your president do that?

[growls]

Assistant!

Cancel the president

and fetch my business helicopter.

I want to show my parents

the future of my pizza empire.

- Oh, yes, sir.

- [helicopter whirring]

- [dad] Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

- [mom] Is that a helicopter?

Are those the cops?

[exciting music plays]

Sir Tony, esteemed guests,

your golden chariot has arrived.

[laughs]

[dad] That's a pretty big chopper.

Ooh, well, lot of gold on this baby.

[shouting] This is nice.

Eh. Seats are a bit stiff.

Tell me more about this empire, my boy.

[chuckles]

Imagine your baby boy's little pizzettas

as far as the eye can see.

All the way to Jersey.

Pizza joints on every corner with your

baby boy's smiling face on every one.

[laughs]

A place where people gather

and share delicious slices,

- and no matter which Tony's you're at

- [meowing]

we treat you like family.

Mama, Papa, I'm going to franchise!

[yawns]

Where's the con?

You're not moving in

on anyone's territory?

Agh, you're k*lling me.

I mean, I might open some shops in Philly.

Where's the skill? The edge?

When your cousin franchised his money

laundry/laundering business he was

[upbeat music plays over headphones]

How is this not enough?

We're in my business helicopter,

and you're still not impressed?

I don't know. Did you steal it?

For the love of pepperoni,

no, I didn't steal it.

Uh, I don't understand.

Mama, hold me, I'm scared.

Oh, where did my little Tony Baloney go?

I'm right here, Mama.

Agh! He's gonna give me a heart attack!

You know what? He's been away too long.

Maybe we ought to bring him back

and set him crooked again.

Wonderful idea.

- And we can visit Tonzini Jr.

- [kettle whistling, hooting]

- We're not going to visit Tonzini Jr!

- [unbuckles seat belt]

[music continues]

Out of my way. I'm landing this thing.

[all] Whoa!

[stammers] Steady, Tony.

Don't tell me what to do!

You're not my dad!

You're right. Very sorry.

[mom screams]

[parents scream]

[mom] At least come home with us.

- I am going home!

- [mom] Whoa!

- [clatters, scrapes]

- [tires screech]

[groans] What happened?

[gasps] Bagoo-mamia!

Not the sign.

We spent months working on that.

Did you get everything out of your system?

No! I didn't.

I'll never be enough for you two.

If I can't impress you

with knowing the president,

and having a business helicopter,

I give up!

[inhales] It was all a ruse.

My friends helped me make over this place,

- and myself

- [both gasp]

to seem insanely successful,

so you'd finally be proud of me.

But I'm coming clean.

Mama, Papa, I love making pizzas.

And I'm good at it.

I run a clean business,

and I make a decent profit doing it.

If that's not enough to impress you,

then so be it.

[both whimper]

I just wanted you to be proud of me.

[both sobbing]

- Would you believe that?

- [gasps]

Making like he knew the president?

Getting the whole neighborhood in on it.

Our little Tony bamboozled us.

I knew you'd always be our little conman.

You really had us going there, son.

[laughs]

Why don't you show us

what your shop is really like?

[mom] And he told us he canceled

- getting his reward from the president.

- [all laugh]

[Arlo] Ya should have seen it.

[dad] The president wants to see my Tony?

Gotta be kiddin'. I was kidded for sure.

Fresh pie.

Oh, Tony, Tony, Tony.

We are proud of you.

And your friends for fooling us.

You know what else?

I got a great steal on that mozzarella

made by old cows just for you.

And I can honestly say

that cheese is legally aged.

- [all laugh]

- [door chimes]

Oh, hey, Mr. Beauregard,

thank you for lending us your helicopter.

I would like to formally

introduce you to my Huh?

Wait a

Hold a second.

- Where'd they go?

- [helicopter whirring]

[dad] No, that's the controller he pulled.

Didn't you see him fly

the dang thing earlier today?

[mom] I got it.

- [door chimes]

- [gasps]

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, thanks for the business helicopter,

Tony's friend.

It was too good to pass up.

- [mom] Ciao, suckers!

- Ciao!

- [mom] We got everybody's passwords!

- Re spect.

Uh Apologies, Mr. Beauregard.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I've been looking for a reason

to buy a new one anyway.

[door chimes]

Oh, no, they done stole my laptop too.

[closing theme music plays]