03x03 - Mole Man

[bunniefuu]

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[HAWK SCREECHES]
-[SCREAMS]

♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING
OVER TV] ♪

Mr. Ventura, how do you justify

your insanity and being wrong
about everything?

Excuse me, I saw the tape

of President Shrimp being shot.

Okay, I'm an expert marksman,

and I couldn't
have made the shot.

He's right, Pim.

I mean, like, if you really
think about it, he's right.

Can we change it back

to the funny cat compilation
we had on, Charlie?

Wait, dude, just tell me,
explain to me,

how did the magic b*llet go
through President Shrimp's head,

into the governor
in front of him,

then into the driver
to the left of them,

then behind him into his wife,

and then back
into President Shrimp's head?

[HESITATES] Explain that
to me, man.

I don't... I don't know.

I don't like to think about
that stuff, Charlie,

-to be honest.
-Dude, I'm just asking--

-[PIM PIMLING SCREAMS]
-[CHARLIE DOMPLER SCREAMS]

[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]

Glep, what happened in here?

There was a big noise.

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

-What's that?
-[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

The floor collapsed?

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

Pim and Charlie fell down
into it?

[IN FEMALE VOICE] Oh, my God!
Somebody call the police!

-[PHONE BUTTONS BEEPING]
-[LINE RINGING]

♪ [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[OVERHEAD LIGHT CREAKING]

[GROANS, PANTS]

Charlie?

Charlie, wake up.

[GROANS] Are we dead?

Am... Am I in hell again?

-♪ [EERIE MUSIC STING] ♪
-PIM: Oh, my gosh.

Are those photos of... us?

Is that really what I look like?

Man, I need to lose weight
f*cking immediately.

-That is really,
really bad, dude.
-[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]

-Huh?
-♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC STING] ♪

Who are you?

Me?

Oh, me?

I am Mole Man.

And can I just say,

I'm so honored to finally have
the Pim and Charlie

in my cool f*cking mole hole?

Do you like it?

-Uh... Yeah.
-Uh, yeah. It's, like,
a standard mole hole.

Wait, also,
how do you know our names?

Oh, I know everything
about you two.

-You see, in the beginning...
-♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

...I lived a simple
and peaceful life

-in my mole hole...
-[LOUD CRASHING, RUMBLING]

...until that building of yours
was erected right above my head

-and ruined everything.
-[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

MOLE MAN: At first,
listening to you two babble on

and on and on nearly
drove me to madness.

But then something strange
began to happen.

I started getting used
to your talking

and silly shenanigans,

and then I even started
to grow accustomed to it.

What once was
a passionate hatred

became a craving.

In your absence,
I felt incomplete,

so I began tunneling around
with my mole abilities,

following you wherever you went,

admiring you from afar.

Yes, I've been there

the entire time,
Pim and Charlie.

All of your jokes,
all of your banter,

all of your filthy
little secrets.

I was there for it all.

-♪ [MUSIC STOPS] ♪
-And now you're finally here,

and I can have you all
to my mole self.

Well, that's a lovely story,
Mr. Mole Man,

but you didn't have
to capture us and tie us up.

You could have just come
and talked to us.

Oh, that's nice of you
to say, Pim.

But unfortunately,
I cannot go to the surface

because everyone will see
my disgusting p*nis.

Uh, I mean, just don't show it.

[LAUGHS] A classic Charlie line.

I knew you'd say a funny,
quippy line like that.

How cute, how quaint,
how interesting,

how cool, how q*eer,
how funny, how silly, how--

Dude, what do you want with us?

I just want you
to be yourselves.

-♪ [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
-[ROCK RUMBLING]

-MOLE MAN: Behold! [GASPS]
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

You didn't just see
my p*nis, did you?

No, I was looking
at the thing you just revealed.

-I was-- I didn't even see it.
-Yeah. Same.

I was just looking
at the building.

Are you sure
you didn't see my p*nis

when I went, whoop!
Like that? No?

Whoop! Like that? No, huh?
You didn't see it then?

Whoop! Watch out. There it is.

So? Any luck?

Yeah, look, unfortunately,

that sinkhole completely
closed up.

Even if we did retrieve
their bodies,

they would look
like ground beef.

Which, I mean,
may sound delicious,

but would be very scary
for you to see.

Yeah, no, that...
that does sound delicious,

but, yeah, I get...
I get what you mean.

FIREFIGHTER:
All right, have a nice day.

[ENGINES RUMBLING]

I can't believe it.
They're really gone.

My boys!

Smiling Friends is over! [SOBS]

You've still got Glep
and I, Mr. Boss.

[SOBBING, SNIFFING]

Wait... [SNIFFS] ...Allan,

what if you and Glep
were the new Smiling Friends?

Um, okay.

-Woo-hoo!
The Smiling Friends are back!
-♪ [TRIUMPHANT FANFARE PLAYS] ♪

[PANTS SOFTLY]

I thought I already was
a Smiling Friend.

[GRUNTS, PANTS SOFTLY]

All right, go.

What... What do you mean?

Just, you know,
do funny stuff. [CHUCKLES]

Do your classic
realistic dialogue

with each other.

Uh, hi, Pim.

How are you do--
How are you doing?

Uh, I'm good, Charlie.

Uh... how are you doing?

-[DOOR RATTLING]
-MOLE MAN: f*cking stupid thing.

[APPLAUSE PLAYS
OVER TAPE RECORDER]

-Yo, yo. What's up,
my fellow coworkers?
-[GRUNTS]

Hey, yo, guys,
I've got a good one.

What would you do

if a f*cking gnome just ran
in here all of a sudden

and started going... [BABBLES]

What would you do?
What would you say?

-Would you just want to smash it
with a hammer or what?
-[PLATE SHATTERS LOUDLY]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
That was really fun, Mole Man.

You're great at this. Uh...

I think we can call it a day now
and go back--

Oh, you guys. [SHUSHES]

-I hear someone coming.
-[SPITS]

MOLE MAN: [MIMICKING MR. BOSS]
You boys have a job--

[AUDIO GLITCHES]

-[expl*si*n]
-Ah!

Did you hear that, guys?

-We've got a job to go on.
-♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

The three Smiling Friends
have a job.

A job. A job to go on.

-Let's go on a job!
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

All right, Glep.
This is very important.

-We can't screw this up.
-Eh.

Hello, we're
the Smooling Fronds.

f*ck!

Oh, wonderful! Please, come in.

I've been so depressed

ever since
my husband ran out on me

and my beautiful triplets.

I just need someone
to look after them

while I go to work.

Yeah, sure, we can do that.

Great! There's a lasagna
in the freezer

and instructions
in the fridge. Goodbye!

So, do you want the lasagna now?

-[BABBLES, GIGGLES]
-Ow! My foot!

-[BABBLING EXCITEDLY]
-[GRUNTS]

-Glep!
-[TRIPLETS BABBLING, PANTING]

[TRIPLET 2 GRUMBLING]

-Ow! [GROANS LOUDLY]
-[TRIPLETS BABBLING EXCITEDLY]

[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]

All right, here we are.

We're gonna make someone smile.

Yay.

Um, who... who are we supposed
to be helping?

[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]

Oh, you came just in time.

I need you to help me smile

because I'm afraid people
will see my disgusting p*nis.

Oh, sorry to hear that,
Mr. Mole Man.

I personally think your p*nis
is very nice

and not disgusting at all.

[PANTS] Really? Oh, wow.
Thank you, kind stranger.

Wow, that's very nice of you
to say.

What do you think,
Pim and Charlie?

What do you think of his p*nis?

I mean, yeah, I think it's...

-Yep.
-Oh, thank you.

And what about you, sir?

Yeah, what do you think
about his p*nis, Charlie?

I... [HESITATES]

No. No, I'm not commenting
on that.

♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

My heroes don't like my p*nis?

They hate my p*nis?

-No. [BABBLING ANGRILY]
-[OBJECTS CRASHING]

-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪
-[GROANS]

-[TRIPLETS BABBLING EXCITEDLY]
-[GRUNTS] Ow!

-[GLASS SHATTERS]
-[GROANS] Glep?

[TRIPLETS BABBLING EXCITEDLY]

[WATER SLOSHING]

Hey! Turn that off!

[YELLS]

-[LOUD POP]
-[TRIPLET 1 BABBLES]

-[ROCKS CRASHING, THUDDING]
-[YELLING HYSTERICALLY]

Charlie, I'm really scared.

How are we gonna get
out of here?

It's all right, Pim.
Let's just think.

What would WWE star

and former governor
of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura, do?

[ECHOING] Charlie, you're being
psychologically manipulated.

The answer's been
in front of you the whole time.

Just like 9/11.

-Oh, wait.
-[MOLE MAN YELLING HYSTERICALLY]

Pim,
these are flimsy tree roots.

We could've just broken out
of these the whole time.

-Oh, yeah, you're right.
-[ROCKS CRASHING, THUDDING]

[ROARS, PANTS]

-[BOTH PANTING]
-♪ [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

Oh no! Which way do we go?

-[MOLE MAN GRUNTING ANGRILY]
-Uh, that way!

-[ROARS]
-[BOTH SCREAM]

-[BOTH SCREAM]
-[GROWLS]

[PANTS]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV]
-♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[MUFFLED FOOTSTEPS, SCREAMS]

What the hell?
Vivianne! Get in here!

Little colorful characters
are running around in the vents!

I'm sure there are.

All right, just go to sleep.

-[GROANS]
-[PANTS]

-[GROWLS]
-♪ [INTENSE MUSIC RESUMES] ♪

-[GROWLS]
-[BOTH PANTING]

♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

How dare you run away from me,
you ungrateful little twats?

[ALLAN RED SCREAMING]

Wait, that sounded like Allan.

-[TRIPLETS BABBLING]
-[FOOTSTEPS PATTERING]

-[GRUNTS, PANTS]
-[GRUNTS]

Allan, Glep,
what are you guys doing here?

Pim? Charlie? You're alive?

-[ROARS]
-[TRIPLETS SCREAM]

Ah, I've got you now!

Oh. [CHUCKLES] Allan and Glep.

You're not even
technically Smiling Friends,

but I'll k*ll you anyway.

f*ck you.

♪ [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

-♪ [MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY] ♪
-[LOCK RATTLES]

I'm home!

-[SCREAMS]
-♪ [DRAMATIC MUSIC STING] ♪

Oh, sorry! I...
I didn't mean to show you that.

Um... So sorry, I know
it's disgusting. I'm sorry.

-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-No, I...

I love it.

-Really?
-Yeah, I really do.

My name's Maurine, by the way.

Oh, that's awesome.

I'm Mole Man,

and you're
the most beautiful woman

I've ever seen in my life.

Um...

Hey... maybe this is crazy,

but... do you want to marry me

and be the father
of my triplets?

Yes, I do!

Oh, hooray!

Children, come in here!

Meet your new Mole-daddy!

[TRIPLETS CHEER, BABBLE]

I spent my whole life obsessing
over Pim and Charlie,

but this is
my new obsession now.

f*ck Pim and Charlie!

I have a family now.

♪ [HAPPY MUSIC PLAYS, FADES] ♪

You know, I just gotta say,

uh, we avoided seeing it
the whole time, Pim,

and I just saw it right there,
and it was not
as bad as I thought--

-It looked pretty good
from what I thought it'd be.
-The p*nis?

Yeah, I saw it too.
Yeah, it looked good.

-Looked like a good p*nis. Yeah.
-'Cause he hyped it up
and said it would be horrible,

-and said it would be ugly.
-I thought it looked delicious.

What's that?

I thought
the p*nis looked delicious.

♪ [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

[FEET TAPPING]

[PANTING SOFTLY]

Mr. Boss,
Pim and Charlie didn't die.

They were alive the whole time.

[GRUNTS, PANTS SOFTLY]