02x11 - Miss Universe

[bunniefuu]

elegant music

[camera flashes]

The world is so divided today, but what can bring it together?

Drop
-dead gorgeous women competing for your

viewing pleasure!

[camera flash]

[man VO] It's Little Miss Viacom!

She's cute, she's sweet, and she's vertically integrated.

I wear these heels for world peace.

[ding]

I wear this lipstick for world peace.

And I wear this swimsuit because no one would listen to

me otherwise!

Stop it!

Stop it!

Stop it!

No, just kidding, don't stop it!

I'll be horny!

Ooh, ahh, ahh, ohh, horny noise!

[camera flash]

[man VO] What makes you different from other girls?

Everything.

[man VO] Where do you see yourself in five years?

My high school graduation.

Goo
-goo, ga
-ga.

[man VO] What's your favorite mode of transportation?

Private plane.

I take it to go to the grocery store or to borrow a cup of

sugar from my neighbor, or just when I feel like releasing tons

of carbon.

[man VO] How would you change the world?

I wouldn't, it's perfect just the way it is.

Unless you disagree, then...

Beyonce said, "America has a problem."

It's a waking nightmare!

[sighs]

It's not easy being Miss Congeniality.

[camera flash]

You have to learn how to spell that very difficult word.

C
-O
-N...geniality?


-Dang it!
-[camera flash]

Winning isn't everything, but if I don't win,

I will k*ll the judges and jump off a bridge!

chimes

Tonight, I'll be talking with Drew Barrymore.

Which of the white characters you've played were Republicans?

Hmm...

[Ziwe VO] Plus, I'll be talking to professional media trainer

Melody Kimmel.

I mean, that's what gives this show its
-
- its edge.

Thank you!

I like to think that my race makes me edgy too.

Yeah, well
-
- [laughs]

[Ziwe VO] And doing a photoshoot with fashion

magazine, Coveteur .

Video. Can't Photoshop that.

Let the pageantry begin!

eerie music box music

cool theme music

My guest tonight has been America's Sweetheart since she

was six years old.

She's a child star who grew up right before our very eyes.

Find out who you are, and...

try not to be afraid of it.

[Ziwe VO] A teen icon turned leading lady,

author, and entrepreneur.

You may know her as the host of The Drew Barrymore Show .

Please welcome, Drew Barrymore!

[claps]

Wow.

smooth jazzy music

Okay, twerk, twerk, twerk. [laughs]

That was sort of like the weirdest twerk.

It... It was beautiful.


-Like, that's a twerk.
-Wow!

Oh my gosh, who knew she would throw it back within the first

five seconds?

Hot.

We're gonna cut back to that a lot.

I've always, uh, had a butt with a mind of its own.

[Ziwe] Mm!

Would you say that you identify as "stupid thick?"

What does "stupid thick" mean?

Like, thick in the head?

No, "stupid thick" is like, "Oh my gosh,

she's stupid thick," like, [Latina accent] "Stupid thick."

I don't know that one.

It's like, "Oh!"

Like Jessica Rabbit
-
- stupid thick.

I mean, I'd like to relate to Jessica Rabbit.

I've been watching, um, that movie with my daughters a lot

lately, and she is hot.

Stupid thick.

She's stupid thick.

[Ziwe] Yes.

So I read your book Wildflower .

You are such a vision.

I mean, this is why you're perfect for the Miss Universe

episode, because you sort of embody that American Sweetheart.

So how do I rebrand as not a scary Black woman?

[laughs]

Well, I...

[sighs]

I mean, I don't know, I don't want you to change in any way,

shape, or form.

Wow, thank you.

That's not exactly helpful, but I appreciate it.

It isn't helpful.

I feel like this is The Color of Friendship ,

that Disney movie about South Africa.

Do you have any Black friends at home, Mahree?

Yes, yes, as a matter of fact, I do.

It's wild because you have such a relatable and grounded

personality, so do you think that you're appropriating

average person culture.

Oh, God..

[sighs] I would like to say that...

that I am...

I'm so [beep] normal, and yet

I'm so embarrassed and aware of how privileged I am.

I feel like Josie Grossy, but am I appropriating normal people?

I don't know, I just
-
- like, my fabulous Hollywood family was

dead and gone, and, like, had sold everything off.

Like, I don't even have a family heirloom.


-Mm.
-I don't have anything.

Same, but for different reasons.

[whispering] Poverty.

[whispering] Poverty?

[whispering] My parents fled a w*r.

[whispering] I'm sorry.

But it's weird because I've lived a privileged and

blessed life...

I've also [beep] up a lot, and I've seen a lot of sh*t,

you know?

And I've spent a lot of time traveling throughout the world

and looking around and trying not to be some bougie,

insular, coastal person.

And I just wish that we could take care of each other in the

best way possible.

I'm convinced that's what we're here to do.

I mean, what do you think? Like
-
-

I think that you just gave the perfect answer,

and somehow related to small
-town people while also

centering yourself in your experiences,

and I'm kind of annoyed for how Miss
-America
-perfect you are.

So Charlies Angels, are they pro
-cop?

[dramatic thud]

Um, well, they're detectives.

So they are the police?

You know, Charlie's Angels is what coined a thing called

"jiggle TV," um, back in the day.

Does anyone remember jiggle TV?

We're gonna assume it was what you were doing when you

walked out?

We're gonna cut back to that a lot.

At the time, in ,

my big battle was true female

friendship and comedy and no g*ns.

Mm!

But at the time, I wasn't in the place in my life where I

was, like, feminist, like, you know,

no touchy
-grabby, no jokes.

Like, I
-
- I should go back and look at those movies with the

eyes of today's culture.

Who was someone
-
- a woman of color
-
- that you would consider

a girl
-next
-door, a Miss America, Miss Universe?

I mean...

I
-
- I love Tina Turner.

What's your favorite Tina Turner song?

I mean, ironically, it's the one with Ike.

Oh my gosh!

mimicking Tina Turner

[mumbling] the wedding bells

Wow.

Um, she's so pissed right now.

She's just like, "Why are you doing that to me?"

[Ziwe VO] Next on Ziwe ...

I literally have, like, a white dog too,

and I feel guilty.

Would you like to apologize to your white dog?

I'm sorry, Lucy, I
-
- I should never have adopted you.

[laughs]

She's really white.

[man VO] Cancelled!

jaunty music

My normal
-sized little teeth are so small and boring.

[woman VO] Introducing Chompers!

Chompers Cosmetics believes every woman is born potentially

deserving of love.

And through a highly
-experimental Brazilian

teeth lift, you can finally have that smile that lets you reach

that potential!

Before I got my BTL, my bottom six were rock bottom.

Now, the boys are rock hard because I'm a big
-toothed

diva b*tch!


-[pop]
-[chuckles]

With my new teeth...

I thought teeth were just for, you know,

chomping on hard things like apples,

crab legs, stuff like that.

I mean, these chompers got me a young,

fine
-a*s boyfriend.

And then I dumped him [laughs] so I could get an even finer,

younger boyfriend.

[laughs]

[woman VO] Fillers, implants, and generally being

sexy are out.

You know what they say: girls with big teeth...

accidentally bite it off.

Oops! [chuckles]

At first, I was nervous because percent of women die during

this surgery.

But on the bright side, percent live!

upbeat music

[woman VO] And guess what!

The free consultation ensures you're gonna feel like sh*t.

[email sending whoosh]

I only eat soft food now, okay?

Ricotta girls, make somme noise!

[trills]

[woman VO] Only at Chompers Cosmetics.

jaunty music

Beauty is in the eye of the nice man holding the crown.

jaunty music

exciting strings

You consume a lot of news.

I'm a news junkie.

Obsessed.

What's your favorite Black publication?

Um, I really like what they're doing with Essence .

They had a new editor come in.

I would love to see you on the cover of Essence Magazine .

I would love to be on the cover of Essence .

I don't think I'm allowed on the cover of Essence .

Like, AARP, I'm not yet, they won't let me do it.

Fingers crossed, one day!

But I'll get there one day.

I don't think I'm ever gonna get to Essence status.

With the right bronzer, you never know.

So you were emancipated at years old.

Where do you stand on the Emancipation Proclamation?

Um, I am for freedoms.

Is that the right answer?

You tell me, Drew.

[ticking]

[ding]

Here's a question: at age six, you got your first role in ET.

Where do you stand on child labor laws?

There's no room for child labor.

I often, uh, question whether they should even

allow child actors.

Wow!

It's weird because I love my life and wouldn't change

a thing.

But it is a very strange thing for kids.

Mm.

I want my kids to know how to do laundry and summer intern and

earn their money and do their chores and all that stuff,

and, um...

It's funny; I was traveling through Europe this summer and

it was interesting to be away from home.

[tape fast
-forwarding]

You know what?

Paw Patrol, with all due respect...

[tape fast
-forwarding]

And it's funny, too, because my libidos been dead for,

like, almost a decade....

[tape fast
-forwarding]

Love to be compared or confused by
-
- to
-
- as Zendaya...

[tape fast
-forwarding]

I want a lot of, like, death and frying pans...

[tape fast
-forwarding]

I was like, "Here I am, gynecogical table,

let's go..."

[tape fast
-forwarding]

Gee willikers, we really learned a great lesson today!

[tape fast
-forwarding]

And then I walked into a museum in none other than a small town

in Italy and there was one of her pieces.

Um...but...

Wait, sh*t, what was the question?

[beep].

I went so far off on my own tangent.

[sips]

[Ziwe VO] Next on Ziwe ...

How would you empower someone like Harriet Tubman?

She's one of my daughter's favorites.

Wait, really?!

She's really been in love with important figures like Harriet

Tubman, Martin Luther...

Shout out.

chimes

What's the difference between Miss America and Miss Universe?

Get a passport and find out.

jaunty music

So when I went on your show, we played Drew's News.

We've got a spooky little show for you today!

This is...quorn, with a Q.

I have a lower back tattoo, I don't wanna be called a "tr*mp!"

So, I figured you'd come on my show and we'd play Ziwe's

Drew's News.

Make a jingle up!

Ziwe, Ziwe

The only way I want

Is Ziwe

Drew's News!

Ziwe, Ziwe


-Shake it, shake it!
- Drew's News and Ziwe

Jiggle Cam, Jiggle Cam, close up, close up!


-Ziwe, Ziwe
-[Ziwe] Jiggle Cam, Jiggle Cam!

Guess what way we're going

To Drew's News!

Okay, so you're gonna read the news on these respective cards,

and you're going to also tell us how they make you feel.


-[Drew] laughs]
-Sad or happy.

[buzzer]

Yup.


-Okay, read the news.
-Okay.

"Founding Father Benjamin Franklin wanted the national

bird to be a turkey, and also, he had sl*ves."

Happy or sad?

[buzzer]

"Sojourner Truth was #momgoals in .

She sued for her son's freedom."

Ohh... Yes.

[woman VO] Yes, it is bad!

Can I keep this card?

Yes, I'll sign it for you.

I would like to study her with the girls.

upbeat lounge music

"France required Haiti to pay them million francs for

their freedom under threat of violence."



This is wrong.

No, that's a fact, Drew!

I
-
- I know, but it's wrong.


-Ethically.
-[Drew] Yes. [sighs]

[buzzer]

Drew Barrymore, you're an icon, you're a legend,

you're America's Sweetheart
-
-

It's funny; I don't see myself any of those ways.

Well, you are those ways, and I can name films in which

you're exactly that person.

All which I'm appropriating normal people,

I'm sorry.

Well, you can apologize again.

If it's any consolation, when I know I've done something wrong,

I will beat the sh*t out of myself...


-[Ziwe] Oh my gosh!
-Until I get it right.

I think of someone
-
- a hero of mine who famously messed up and

named one Miss Universe instead of another,

and then he righted that wrong, and then he became the Miss

Universe guy, and that's Steve Harvey.

And today, you remind me of my dear,

dear icon and hero, Mr Steve Harvey.

[Drew] That's right, I remember that.

Who is your hero going back?

[Ziwe] Ida B Wells.

If we're talking about American journalism,

she is one of the pathfinders.

That's my daughter's other favorite person!

Shut up, you know who Ida B. Wells is?

[Drew] Yes!


-heartwarming music
-[electronic chimes]

[both] [chanting] Ida B Wells! Ida B Wells!

Ida B Wells!

And that's our show.

Drew Barrymore, everyone!

[applause]

What a star!

[both VO] [chanting] Ida B Wells!

Ida B Wells!

Ida B Wells!

Ida B Wells!

[ding]

elegant music

When women compete...

we all win.

jaunty music

Media training.

It's the foundation of our industry.

Is there anything or nothing in that list you would like to

clear up?

[Ziwe VO] That's why I'll be talking to Melody Kimmel.

She's a professional media trainer who works with public

figures to shape positive interactions with the press.

Hi, Melody!

I'm excited to chat with you today.

You know, I'm a public figure, I'm hoping to get better at

media, so this is going to be great.

Can I tell you a traumatic story from my childhood and you tell

me if it's good for packaging in interviews?


-Oh, that doesn't sound good.
-All my life [bleep].

[bleep]

Okay.

Should I
-
- should we
-
- should I keep moving?

cheerful muzak

So there's three really important steps to preparation.

First of all, you wanna know what you're getting into.

Think about the questions you're going to get...

Mm.

'Cause then you can think about how you wanna answer them.


-Okay, question.
-[Melody] Yes, ma'am.

So whenever I do press, usually,

maybe percent of the time, the reporter says,

"I'm terrified of you." What do I do about that?

I know the feeling. Go on, sorry.

Does that happen to you all the time?

No, I feel terrified talking with you too.


-You're terrified of it?!
-[Melody] [laughs]

And why are you afraid of me?

Well, um, I'm not at this moment and I'm thinking I should

be because I'll let my guard down.

But this isn't about me, this is about you.

What were you gonna say?

[Ziwe] No, tell me more about your fear of me.

What would you say is scary about me?

Is it my pink top or is it my blonde hair?

Neither, I think they're all absolutely fabulous,

and you left out your pink boots. [laughs]

Good at turning that into a compliment when I was expressing

my deep
-seated trauma.

cheerful muzak

So you've spent some time thinking about what the

questions might be...

Mm.

Now, you wanna think about your answers.

[Ziwe] Mm.

But it's bigger than that; you wanna set your own agenda.

Sometimes, people even have a call for action.

[Ziwe] Mm.

I do a call for action at my live shows for people to rate my

WikiFeet because my WikiFeet is really low.

Uh
-huh, okay.


-Do you know what WikiFeet is?
-Yeah.

cheerful muzak

So when you're doing an interview,

Ziwe, use almost every answer as a chance to express one or more

of your themes.

Great, so ask me a question.

Okay, so who do you like to find when you're looking

for guests?

What
-
- what's
-
- what are you looking for?

Well, when I'm looking for guests,

I align myself with guests who are not terrified of me...


-[Melody] Mm
-hm.
-And who think I have nice feet.


-[ding]
-[applause]


-Is that a good answer?
-That's lovely.


-Thank you.
-You are...

an accelerated student.

Well, tell us about the Showtime relationship.

Do they
-
- do they give you a lot of guardrails?

Are there some no
-fly zones in terms of the humor you're

allowed to get to?

This is what I would say; I would say "I have no problems

with my Showtime familia.

I love Paramount+ and it's a pleasure to be on this network.

[ding]


-That's lovely.
-[Ziwe] Thank you.

I hear smiles in the distance.

[ding] [ding]

[ding]

cheerful muzak

So when you get a question that is not on topic for you...

Yeah.

[Melody] Ziwe, you're gonna love this.

The harder the question...


-Yeah.
-The longer you should pause.

What is the hardest question you had on your question sheet

for me?

For you? Oh...

I guess it was...

A lot of your humor springs from really

mocking racial microaggression,

so I'm just wondering: are a lot of these incidents coming

directly from experiences that you've had?

dramatic music

Good question.

Hm.

[ding]

cheerful muzak


-Um...
-[Ziwe] [laughs]

Well, this one got a little funny but, uh...


-"Be yoursel!"
-Yeah.


-[Ziwe] "Be yoursel!"
-[Melody] "Be yoursel...f."

Thank you, Melody!

I'm going to never forget you called me "scary."

I've learned so much about how to interact with humans,

so this is going to be great for me.

Are you stressed out about this?

Not anymore, should I?


-Should you?
-Should I?


-Should you?
-[Melody] Should I?

Should you?

We'll see. Carry on.

elegant music

She's beauty and she's grace.

She's serving body and face.

jaunty music

A long tradition of being Miss Universe is interacting

with the press.

I've gotta be at work in, like, minutes in New York, so...

[Ziwe VO] I knew I had my work cut out for me.

I had a photoshoot with fashion magazine Coveteur .

[woman] Do you have a getting
-ready ritual?

In the morning to...

to wear clothes?

Luckily, I had Melody's media training fresh in my mind.

Please, imitate a Black woman again.

How am I doing? [gasps]

You know, this is a day in the life of me.

Yeah, a Feminist American Sweetheart Miss Universe.

It's not easy.

But someone's gotta do it, and if someone's gonna do it,

they better be humble and modest and kind like myself.

You wanna set your own agenda before you do any interview.

Contrary to popular disbelief, I am down
-to
-[beep]
-Earth.

I'm a regular girl, you know?

I like cheeseburgers, I like a slice of pizza...

just more expensive ones than most people.

cool music


-Claire, hi.
-Hi Claire, nice to meet you!

You know a little bit about the reporter and the media outlet.

Or should I say "Bonjour?"

[Claire] Bonjour!

Tell me how to move my body?

[woman] So you know what, I think,

for photos, what would be good, since we don't wanna see you,

like, talking, [laughing] right?

As you're talking, every now and then, pause.

Stay there and just no talking.

No talking.

The longer you talk, the further you're straying from

your message.

This makeup is to make me look older than I am,

obviously, as a
-year
-old.

Redundant is success.

Natural.


-[woman] Natural.
-Natural.

[woman] No talking.

curious music

Can I tell you: everything I learned about modeling,

I learned from America's Next Top Model .

[woman] [laughs]

But only the problematic episodes.

[camera shutter clicking]

An
-year
-old was crying, that was when I was in my bag.

[pop]



[camera clicks]

[Claire] Uh, I have been with Coveteur since November.

[Ziwe] Oh, cool! Well, congratulations.


-[Claire] Thank you!
-We love women...in STEM.


-[Claire] Mm
-hm.
-[Ziwe] [softly] Yeah.

[Claire] What inspired you to wear this outfit today?


-[pop]
-The harder the question...

The longer you should pause.

I think it is the combination of fun and business,

because I identify as a powerful woman,

but also, I'm not afraid to, like,

drink apple juice out of a straw.

[Claire] Love that.

[pop]

You are...an accelerated student.

Basically, my personal style is Clueless,

it's Dionne, it's Stacey Dash before we got really upset

with her.

curious music

They look kinda bored or like they'd rather be somewhere else,

but you have to be you, even when they're not helping.

This is inspired by Condoleezza Rice.



Whenever I'm thinking about looks,

I'm channeling characters, right?

So there is this one
-
- this look!

And it was inspired by, um, Patrick Starr.

So it's a very famous meme in which Patrick Starr
-
-


-[Claire] I'm
-
- I'm familiar.
-[Ziwe] Yeah, exactly!

So I was like, "Okay, like, I wanna dress like a

slutty starfish."


-[pop]
-You do you.

Who else can do it better?

[woman] It's so weird; we usually have, like, music.

[laughs]

I think you can listen to the sound of me humming.

La la la la la


-[pop]
-I love gospel music.

We also have music prepared, too.

We found some license
-free beats.


-[woman] Oh, we did?
-Hit the song!

[camera clicking]

"The Star
-Spangled Banner"

[woman] And then lean back and go back to the one where you

were just, like, really relaxed.

Yeah.

[camera clicking]

No, you're good, you're good.

[Ziwe] I said that you guys would all know the words!

[woman] [laughs]

Nice!

Cool!

Awesome!

[Ziwe] Thank you for letting us sh**t you sh**t us.

Merci, Coveteur !

This is the magic of Ziwe .

Wow, we did it!

Guys, this was so fun!

Thank you!



[camera clicking]

My work is done here.

[camera click]

jaunty music

"Butterflies don't poop."

I remember the first time I was going away with a guy for the

weekend, and I
-
- I didn't
-
- I didn't know how that was all

gonna function.

I was so intimidated.

You didn't take a dump in front of him?

[tape fast
-forwarding]

I found a bathroom downstairs in the lobby.

Now, years laters, can you sh*t in front of a date?

[tape fast
-forwarding]

Well, not in front of.

Or on top of
-
- who am I to judge?

[laughs]

Two Girls, One Cup?


-[tape fast
-forwarding]
-[Drew] Um...

How do you know what that is, Drew?!

And, by the way, it didn't look real.

As a child star, you were like, "I could see
-
-"

"I see the cables.

That is...

frothy mousse and not poop."

So what you're saying is
-
-

I believe that Two Girls, One Cup is fake.

[tape fast
-forwarding]

More like Two Girls, One, like, Parfait.

[tape fast
-forwarding]

Or Budino.

Wow, she's a truther.