01x02 - Kim's O

[bunniefuu]

What's wrong with her?

Oh, don't worry
about it, honey.

Let's just go inside...

- Is Ellen mad, Mama?
- Is she mad?

Uh, yeah.

Why?

She's just
a little bit upset...

about racism.

Don't worry about it, baby.
Just go to your room.

- Okay? I'll be right in.
- Okay.

I did not expect that
from Walter and Ellen!

I mean, that is
some loud sex!

I know. Jesus.

How come you don't sound
like that when we have sex?

Yeah, what about that?

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

What are you doing?

I'm f*cking you.

Just relax. Relax.

It's kinda taking
a long time.

Yes, it is.

Louie honey, it's okay.

We're trying to get pregnant.
Just wrap it up.

Relax.

Oh, I know what this is.

Are you trying to make me
scream like Ellen?

Louie honey,

I just got off
a double shift.

Seriously, release the doves.

All right, I'll come.

I appreciate that.

Hey, how's it going, Walter?

- Fine.
- Ellen and Lisa?

We're good.

Hey, cool trash can.

Look, I'm sorry
to ask you this.

It's none
of my business.

I shouldn't be asking
you this, but...

what are you doing to make
Ellen so happy in there?

Excuse me?

Sorry, just...

you guys seem to be having
a great time lately,

and I'm interested in,
you know,

tips, pointers,

kinda... for Kim,
for me for Kim.

What are you talking about?

Come on, man,
whatever you're doing in there,

Ellen is loving it.

I mean, we can all hear her moaning
through the walls all week.

I've been out of town
since last Thursday.

Did you have
a good trip? Was...

- Hey, Rich.
- Hey, Lou.

- You got a package for me?
- Yeah, we got your package.

Look, man, are you having
drugs sent to our house?

'Cause don't do that.

- Have 'em mailed to your own house.
- I can't.

My mom opens my mail.

Anyway, this isn't drugs.

It's urine.

So, you're a piss dealer now?

I sell clean piss

as an added convenience
for my drug customers.

This piss...

is liquid gold.

Well, don't have it sent
to my house, okay?

What is that?

It's Ellen.

Ooh, that Walter sounds
like a master c*ck.

Apparently,
it ain't Walter.

- Ellen's cheating on him.
- That's reprehensible.

Ooh, you like that,
you little wh*re.

What is that guy
doing to her?

He's destroying her.

Oh, sh*t!

Yeah, but what is he doing?

At first I was gonna
go with doggy-style,

but you know what?

I think it might be
classic missionary,

but on a hard surface.

You can hear him
compressing her ribcage.

And there's definitely
a*s play involved.

- And she's blowing him.
- Mmm mmm!

Wait a minute. He's f*cking her
and she's blowing him?

That's physically impossible.

Well, for you.

Oh my God.
Poor Walter.

That guy never
had a chance.

Walter's just the beginning.

A guy with a skill set
like that running around...

if Kim's p*ssy hears
about this it's over for you.

- Bye-bye, Rich.
- Whatever.

I'll be out here
for a couple minutes.

Yeah, suck it, Ellen.

Yeah, suck my big
beautiful black c*ck.

We have something
to talk about.

What's that, Walter?

What's been going on
here while I'm away?

What are you
talking about?

What am I talking about?

You know what
I'm talking about.

I really don't know.

Well, the whole building
is talking about it.

The neighbors can hear
you screaming through the walls.

- Who hears me?
- Louie.

Oh, that man needs
to get himself a job

and stop listening
to other people's business.

Ellen...

who are you f*cking
when I'm not around?

You'd better say something.

Huh? Huh? Right?

- Did you just yawn?
- No.

Honey, look.

I'm ovulating.
Let's just do this.

It's gonna be good.
Just watch.

Can I watch
from over there?

Louie...

Wait. Mmm!

That's kind of interesting.

Holy sh*t.

Good, right?

Holy sh*t.

That was amazing.

That's never happened before.

Pretty intense, huh?

No, I mean that has
never happened before.

Well, you're welcome.

I think I just had
my first orgasm.

What?

Come on, you've had
orgasms before.

Well, I thought I had.

It seemed like you
were having orgasms.

Yeah, I thought I was.

It would always feel
really good at the end,

but nothing like this.

This was so much better.
I had no idea.

I mean, I always thought
those big female orgasms

were bullshit,
like in the movies.

I just never realized
it could be more like...

So ain't that some sh*t?

Yeah, right?

I mean, you were trying
all this different stuff,

and I don't know
what happened,

but all of a sudden it's like...

That's right.

I did it.

I made you scream,
and not only that,

I changed your life.

Yeah, and it only
took you seven years.

Oh, yeah.

It's okay.
I'm glad it happened.

You did a good job, honey.

You go get yourself
a treat from the fridge.

I thought you might be
needing this stuff.

Wow, look at all of these.

Thanks, Tina,
but I think it's a little early

for swapping baby clothes.
I'm not even pregnant.

Hey, you're trying, right?
That means

it's your turn to keep
all this sh*t at your house.

Oh my God.

Lucy used to sleep
in this all the time.

- Ooh!
- Yeah.

Everything okay, slugger?

Well...

something happened
last night.

I had this orgasm
that was like,

"Jesus!" You know?

But that's not
the weird part.

The weird part is
I think it was my first.

No, I mean that.

- I've never had an orgasm before.
- Oh, I knew that.

- What?
- I knew that you weren't coming.

No, you didn't.
How could you possibly know that?

I don't know. It's obvious.
The way you walk.

Everything, you know?

You're very un-coming.

But hey, you unlocked
your box. Good for you.

This is so f*cked up.

I just had my first
orgasm at 37?

What does that mean?

It means congratulations.
Start living your life.

You know what they say?
There's no orgasms in heaven.

But all this time
has gone by...

years and years.

I wanna go back and f*ck
all my old boyfriends again.

You should.
You deserve it.

No, do what you were
doing last time.

I am.

This feels different.

Not to me.

I think your d*ck
was different.

I'm using the same one.

Maybe the angle
was different.

All right, all right.

No, that's not right.

I can see your bald spot,
and I couldn't see it before.

That's not helping me right now.

Okay, just switch with me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right.

Okay. No no no no no.

You stay still.

Let me try something. Okay?

Okay.

- Take it easy.
- Stay still!

Don't...

Jeez! Quit...

quit slamming your snatch
into me so hard!

You're gonna rip my d*ck off,
you f*cking lunatic!

Just forget it.

It's not working anyway.

Good, 'cause... ow!

What did you do?

You have to remember
what you did.

Why is it all on me?

Because you were
the one doing the f*cking.

You f*cked me.
You made me come.

You need to do it again.

Well, I don't know what I did.

Let's just try again tomorrow.

Wait a minute.
I didn't finish yet.

Why should you
get to finish if I haven't?

Since when
is that the rule?

Since I started
having orgasms.

And no jerking off!

Nobody's coming
in this house tonight.

How was that?

It was great.

Yes, it was.

In fact, I'm thirsty.

It's a nightmare.

I have to make her come,
or I don't get to.

Welcome to actual sex.

I hope you enjoyed
your free ride.

I've been having sex
all week without coming.

- Yeah.
- I'm so backed up I cry come.

I cut myself shaving
and come came out.

- When I sweat...
- Hey, stop it, huh?

My back is k*lling me 'cause we're
doing all these angles and positions.

Yeah, well, there's
a reason for that.

You're just being
too technical about it.

I mean, it's not about
what you're doing.

It's about why you did it.

The thought
behind the thrust.

You know,
like with me, all right?

I'm so lucky
to have Tina

that all I can think about
when we're doing it is

"Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you."

Then all that gratitude
pours out of me into her

and makes her pop.

So you just think,
"Thank you, thank you"?

Yeah.

What were you thinking
when you accidentally

made your wife come
for the first time?

I was thinking...

I was thinking,

"Scream,
you f*cking b*tch!"

Well, there you go.
That's good.

It was aggression.

I guess that's what you need.

You gotta, you know,
hate her a little.

Hate her?

A little.

I guess it makes sense.

I mean, she hates me,
and I come every time.

How's this?

Yeah, it's good,

I guess,

but no.

All right, we're not
giving up this time.

I'm gonna try something.

- All right.
- Okay.

You f*cking b*tch!

What is that, dirty talk?

No, I was trying to recreate

where I was mentally
in my head

- when you came.
- Really?

So when I had
my first orgasm

in my entire life,

you were thinking,
"You f*cking b*tch"?

Yes, I was.

I'm sorry.

Well, at least you
were trying something.

I mean, I don't know
what the hell to do.

I'm a 37-year-old nurse

with no idea
about my own body.

Well, maybe it's
not about your body.

Maybe it's in your head.

What were you thinking
when you came?

- I don't know.
- Come on, what were you thinking?

I don't know.

In my head
there was just like nothing.

Like just
an empty room

with whiteness.

And what were we doing?

Oh, no, you're not there.

Nobody's there.
No you, no Lucy,

no number 8 bus,

just nothing.

So in order for you to come,
you have to pretend I don't exist?

Yeah, that's it.

sh*t!

What?

Well, you came, and I wasn't
even in the universe.

I guess that kinda
hurts my feelings.

You said "f*cking b*tch,"
and I'm fine.

She wasn't cheating on me.

- What?
- You heard me.

Yes, I did.

I find it offensive that
you assume Ellen is cheating on me

just because she's making
loud sexual noises when I'm out of town.

Sorry.

How am I supposed to compete
with a big piece of vibrating plastic?

g*dd*mn made-in-China
m*therf*cker!

Yeah, well, the only way
Kim can have an orgasm

is if she pretends
I don't even exist,

and she's in an empty room
alone in the universe.

Wow.

Why is it so complicated?

You know,
back in my daddy's day,

all they did was make love to
their wives or not. It wasn't all this.

I know. So why's it
so much harder for us now?

I guess because...

they didn't care whether
their wives came or not.

Right.

They really were
"the greatest generation."

- Lucy's asleep.
- Okay.

I just started my period.

- Yeah?
- Yep.

So no baby this month.

Well, good.

I don't think we should
have another baby yet.

- You should go back on the pill.
- What?

You need
to be having regular, frequent,

sustainable orgasms,
just like me.

Oh, Louie, no. Look,

I mean, let's stop worrying
about all this coming stuff.

I mean, I know I was
wound up about it,

but it's too much pressure.

I'll just repress
my memory of that orgasm.

Please, I was fine
with the way it was before...

you'd come fast,
and I'd get to watch my shows.

No. That's unacceptable.

We're gonna figure this out.

I promise you
with God as my witness

we will solve the riddle
of your p*ssy.

- Okay.
- Good.

You sure this isn't just

you trying to put off
having another baby?

No, this is me
just trying to f*ck you a lot.

Oh, honey, we don't
have to do this.

You know, my period.

No, I want to.

I think it's important
we get started immediately.

Please, I haven't come
in 10 days.

Okay.

I just came.

Mmm. Oh my God, Walter.

That was amazing!

That's the best it's been
since we've been married.

Glad you liked it.

And where did you
get the idea

for me to pretend
you didn't exist?

Well, I'm thirsty.