01x05 - Control

[bunniefuu]

- Okay, who's next?
- Me, here, me.

Uh, I'd like half a dozen
whole wheat bagels

and two coconut doughnuts.

And please put
the doughnuts in a separate bag.

See, I get a separate bag
so I don't get coconut on the bagels.

Then I just gotta toss the receipt
so there's no paper trail.

Who gives a sh*t?

Kim. She doesn't let me
eat doughnuts or anything bad.

Oh, well maybe you should
get another bag to put your ba*ls in.

Shut up, man.

Jesus!

You wanna let your teeth
get a crack at that thing?

Slow down, you animal.

I can't. She knows how long
it takes to get bagels.

See, if you ever get married,
the first time you do something

you gotta take
a long time to do it.

'Cause you're stuck with that
amount of time

for that activity
for the rest of your marriage.

You couldn't possibly
be enjoying that donut.

- Or that one.
- I'm not.

Then why are you eating it?

'Cause f*ck her!
She can't tell me what to eat.

Oh, hi, Kim.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Yeah, here we go.

You guys are really
kicking our a*s tonight.

We gotta be down
what, 30 bucks?

- All right, your bid.
- Okay, let me see.

What will I bid?

What will I bid?

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little itch.

That's one itchy tit.

How about you keep
your eyes on your cards

and off my wife's
itchy t*ts, huh?

Okay, uh,
I bid 12 hearts.

Wait a minute.
Is this some kind of signal?

You guys are cheating!

Hey, come on,
this is a friendly game.

Of course there's gonna
be a little cheating.

That's pathetic, man.

And you know what?
Give us back our 30 bucks.

Oh, you see,
we took your money.

That means it's ours now.
That's how that works.

- Mike, give it.
- Make me.

Oh great, you're bigger than me
so you just take my money?

Why even have the card game?
Why not just hit me with a pipe?

The girls wanted
to play cards.

I want that money, Mike.

Come and get it, Red.

Okay, guys.

- f*cking cheater!
- You big baby!

Kim, I'm sorry.
I just assumed you guys cheated too.

You saw the way Louie plays.

Can you imagine trying
to teach him to cheat?

Okay, boys, break it up!

Yeah, this should be sexy,
but it's not.

Mike, are you all right?

Is he all right?
What about me?

Honey, you don't
look so good.

Are you sh1tting
your pants?

- Seriously, Mike, are you all right?
- Yeah, fine.

Just feels like there's
a Buick on my chest and a...

I got a pain down my arm,
but anyways, who's deal is it?

All right, just stay still.
Louie, call 911.

Mike you might be
having a heart attack.

Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God!

- Tina, take it easy.
- Oh my God!

Take it easy, huh? I don't wanna die
to the sound of that sh*t.

Oh my God.

What you're making, Lucy?

A card. It's for Mike,
so he'll feel better.

That's very nice of you.

Don't sniff the marker, honey.

It's strawberry.

Really, strawberry?

Can I have my marker back?

It's almost dinnertime,
go wash up.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Mike is one lucky guy.
- Is he gonna be all right?

Yeah. I talked
to his doctor.

It was mild enough
they didn't have to crack him open.

How did he look?

Well, when I left he
was sitting up in bed

asking Tina for a hand job,
so that's a good sign.

Man, one minute he's sitting
here cheating at cards,

the next minute he's in the hospital.
It's just scary.

Yeah, the really scary
thing is you're next.

What?

Come on, Mike is a fat sh*t.
He's totally out of shape.

And he beat you up while
he was having a heart attack.

I'm putting you on a diet.

What? Wait a minute,
I'm already on a diet!

You don't let me have refined sugar
or... man, I'm sick of brown pasta.

Well, you don't have to worry
about that anymore 'cause no more pasta.

Tonight we're having
tempeh chunks, turnips, and kale.

Jesus, you f*cking hate me.

No, I don't. I'm worried about you.
I don't want you to die.

I got a great stir-fry recipe.
It's gonna be really tasty.

My mouth won't even make
saliva for this stuff.

- Kim, you're overreacting.
- No I'm not. Sit down

- I'm taking some of your blood.
- Oh, Christ.

I had to marry a nurse?

Why don't you ever
give me a sponge bath?

I need a sample to take to the lab
so I can see what's going on with you.

Kim, please just don't do this, okay?
I'm in fine shape.

Oh really?

- Then catch me.
- What?

Catch me. If you catch me,
you can eat whatever you want.

That's stupid.

Okay, catch me
and I'll suck your d*ck.

Kim, I'm not gonna...

Oh, this is so sad.

Shut up, I'll f*cking catch you.

Hey, dummy.

Look at you.
You see what I mean?

Please...

still suck my d*ck.

- Hey, Jerry.
- Hey.

- Louie, are you okay?
- No, he's not. He's dying.

Wow.

Are you afraid?

I'm not dying.

He's in terrible shape.
I need him to lose some weight.

Hey, I can help
you work out.

I got my own method.

No thanks, Jerry.

You should go
work out with him.

Look at what
good shape he's in.

Yeah, I work out all day.

It's muscle against muscle.

- I'm working out right now.
- You are?

Yeah, I'm clenching
and unclenching my a*s, see?

- So, a heart attack, huh?
- Yeah, little baby one.

It's bullshit that
you gotta go through this.

Especially since the government
is sitting on a stockpile

of baboon hearts
and dolphin brains.

Hey, Mikey, when you were in the
hospital, did you have to sh*t in a pan?

I didn't have to.
There was one there so I used it.

Yeah, I'm thinking
of getting one for the house.

Anyway, man, I'm glad you're okay.
You're pretty lucky.

Yeah, thanks, Lou.
You know, being in the hospital

gave me time to reflect
on what happened

and I realized that...


money compared to a friendship.

I think you still have
our 30 bucks.

Yeah, who cares, right?

Oh, hey! I didn't know
you was having

company, babe.
I would've ordered more pizza.

Yeah, that's okay.
More room for desert, huh?

- Yeah, here we go.
- Wow, pepperoni pizza?

- You get to have that?
- Yeah, why not?

- You just had a heart attack.
- Oh, that's all genetics.

- Yeah, but I would think also that...
- Genetics!

- Come on, guys dig in.
- Oh, thanks, Tina.

- Have a slice.
- I can't.

Ever since you had your stupid heart
attack Kim's making me eat healthier.

So what?
Kim's not here.

Usually when she's
not around

you eat like a d*ke
at a carpet sale.

Yeah, well now
she's taking my blood,

so she's gonna know
when I'm cheating.

You know what
you ought to do?

Hang outside the tunnel
entrance in fishnets

and start blowing guys
for five bucks a pop.

It would be less humiliating
than the life you're leading now.

Man, I'm so hungry
for that pizza right now.

Yeah, it's good.

You know what she made
me eat yesterday? Kale.

What the f*ck is that?

- It's not a food right?
- No, it's like eating a swim cap.

- Who wants milk shakes?
- I do, I do.

- Oh, Jesus.
- Don't forget to take your heart pills.

Got it right here, hon.

- Come on, Louie, take it.
- I can't.

Ugh, why?

There's nothing in here
but ice cream and fudge.

Give me his.

f*gg*t.

- Whoa, oh!
- Oh my God, is it your heart again?

No, it's the creamy coldness
of this delicious shake.

Here we are.
Welcome to Jerry's gym.

- Yeah, great.
- Okay, now...

let's start with
a little warm-up.

Something to get
the blood flowing.

Don't you need to change into
some workout clothes or something?

"Don't you need to change
into some workout clothes or something?"

It's not about fashion.
Now come on, let's do this thing.

All right, ready? Go!

Come on, I said go!

And three, and two,

and one.

All right, good.
Now, come on.

Follow me.
This is really good for your lats.

I climb telephone poles,
apartment buildings, rehab centers...

I'm always climbing.

Always be climbing.

Always! It comes in handy.

All right, let's try

a little flexibility
and balance work.

- On the monkey bars or...
- No, for this

all we need
is each other.

Now, face me

and grab my shoulders.

Okay, you ready?

Now pull and resist,
that's the key.

Pull and resist.

Pull and resist.
Pull and resist.

All right, cut it out, Jerry.
I don't like that.

That means it's working.

Look, I don't care. I'm done with this.
See you later, Jerry.

All right, no, no, no.
Good first day!

Hi.

Could I get some whole wheat
sprouted bread, please?

Okay.

You know what?
Give me some doughnuts.

- How many?
- I don't know, some.

Do you want a dozen?

Do you think I should
have that many?

Sure, yeah.
I did just work out.

So yeah, a dozen, thanks.

You know what?
What's that, chocolate chip cake?

Yeah, give me a cake.
Give me a chocolate chip cake.

And you know what? f*ck this
sprout bread, I don't need that sh*t!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Louie, what are you
doing in there?

I'm sh1tting.

Oh good,
but hang on a minute,

I need a stool sample
to take to the lab.

What? Why?

Well, I got your blood test back
and your numbers are getting worse.

Something's not right.
I gotta come in there.

No, stay out!

Hey, you know what, Louie?
Your cholesterol's through the roof

and you have the liver functions
of a wino. I'm coming in.

f*ck you!
I should be allowed to take a sh*t

without my wife
rifling through it.

- Oh my God!
- Yeah, okay, so...

nothing more to see here.
Goodbye.

No wonder your tests
say you're a corpse.

What is wrong with you?
You wanna keel over like Mike?

No, but Jesus, Kim,
you gotta back off.

I mean, look at this.
You're literally up my a*s.

You're eating
a cake on the toilet.

Well, you got me
all stressed out!

That's what's gonna give me
a heart attack. Now get out of here!

Fine, just give me the cake.

No, it's mine.

Louie, give me the cake.

Come get it.

All right?

So how long have you been
eating behind my back?

- How long have you had a back?
- Jesus.

It's not always been this bad, but
since you started with all this kale,

I'm just a little out of control.

All right, so go ahead then,
eat your crap.

But from now on
do it in front of me.

What?

Well, maybe if you don't
have to eat in secret anymore,

you won't go so overboard.

I just don't wanna walk in on you
eating on the toilet again.

At least you didn't
catch me jerking off.

I don't care about that.
It's the only exercise you get.

Hey, Jerry, what are you doing
in the park this early?

Waiting for Louie.

We're supposed to
work out together,

but he didn't show up.
What are you doing?

I'm running away
from the cops.

- Oh, can I run with you?
- Okay.

- Oh, hi.
- Hey.

What you got there?

Some food.

Okay, good.
Please, sit and eat.

Thanks.

Louie, it's okay.

Really, it's just food.

All right, here goes.

Boy, Big Mac, huh?

Haven't seen one
of those in a while.

That's 'cause they're usually
in my body by the time I get home.

Yeah. Oh!

Well, it's nice to know

you weren't hiding
in some alley somewhere.

Mmm.
You're okay?

Yeah, fine.
Totally fine. Totally.

Actually...

I need a glass of water.

You know what?
This is a really good idea, honey.

Just get it all
out in the open

and break the whole cycle
of shame and secrecy.

- Oh my God.
- I know.

Thanks, Maria.

So the doctor said
you had a panic attack.

Are you all right?

Yeah, but I can't believe it.

I've seen g*nsh*t
wounds and burn victims.

I even treated a dude

who had a a pipe
through his eye.

But watching you
eat your dinner

was the worst thing
I've ever seen.

I guess, it's 'cause
you care about me so much.

But it looks like it's
k*lling you, so please stop.

Well, I can't not care.
I'm sorry.

All right, look.
I won't eat any more fast food.

No more doughnuts, no more crap.
I'm gonna eat a lot better.

Okay, good.

You're not gonna eat
better, are you?

No, but I'm gonna try.

And I promise that when
I do eat crap...

and I will... you will
never know about it.

Thank you, yes.

Is there anything
else you hide from me?

Oh, no. This is all
you gotta worry about.

See, I don't have to hide
anything else like...

I don't cheat on you
because I can just masturbate, right?

But for food
there's nothing.

What, am I gonna
watch the food network?

Oh, yeah!
Oh, delicious.

Well, that's good
to know then.

Hey, guys!

- This is good.
- You like the kale?

This is the kale?

It's actually not that bad.
Huh, Lucy?

Psha!