01x11 - Louie Quits

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why are you
dressed like that?

This?
I'm getting married.

What?
When?

Later today.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Wait a minute.
Who are you getting married to?

My mother's friend.

Why?

One of my teeth
is rotted.

If I marry her,
I can use her Medicaid.

You're getting married
to get a tooth fixed?

I'm in a lot
of pain.

Yeah but that...
what you're doing is crazy.

What's crazy?
Get married?

Eat her p*ssy
like I promised?

Get my tooth fixed.

Then divorce the old twat
and tell her to go f*ck herself.

Aw, Jeez.

She's gonna fall
in love with you.

What are you gonna do
if she doesn't want to divorce you?

Who cares? She's 80, I'll cut
the brakes on her scooter.

Okay, well,
good luck with that.

Thanks.
By the way, assholes,

we are registered
at Crate & Barrel.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

- Did you get your hair cut?
- Yeah, this morning.

It was
an emergency.

An emergency?
What happened?

Wendy crawled into bed with us
last night with a mouthful of gum.

So I got my hair cut and Mike
had to shave one of his pits.

Well, it looks good.
It's bouncy.

Philippe's
a genius.

You know, his name
is French,

but he's
Puerto Rican.

Who do you
go to?

Oh. Lately Louie's
been cutting my hair.

That's a relief. I thought
you'd been paying for that.

Go to Philippe,
he only costs 60 bucks.

I can't afford to spend
$60 on a haircut, Tina.

Why not?
Are you broke?

No, I'm not broke. I just like the way
Louie cuts my hair.

- I'm broke.
- Aw, sh*t.

Listen.

I was wondering if maybe you
would consider asking Mike

- to give Louie a raise.
- No problemo.

Really?

Yeah, I'll tell Mike
to give him a $60 raise,

- so that you can get a decent haircut.
- Thanks, Tina.

Sure. Actually, I'll make it 75
so you can get a wax.

I can see your leg hair sticking
through your jeans.

Hey, why are you
whistling?

'Cause I'm happy.
Actually I got a raise today.

You whistle
when you're happy?

I whistle
when I'm depressed.

- Really?
- Yeah. Like this:

What's wrong,
Jerry?

Nothing. I was fine
till I started whistling.

Hey.
I have good news.

- So do I.
- You're gonna get a raise.

Wait.
How did you find out?

Mike told Tina
and Tina told you?

No, I told Tina,
then Tina told Mike.

Told him what?

I told Tina to have Mike
give you a raise

and she talked to him
and he said, "Okay."

Oh so...
so you did this?

What?

I guess I just thought
I earned it.

Oh, honey.
You did earn it.

You do a good job
and you work really hard.

And that is why
I gave you a raise.

We've got the new camshaft gear
for the '92 Acura.

That car left here
yesterday.

It was running?

- I'll go do the brakes of that Mazda.
- All right.

Hey...

did you give me a raise
just 'cause Tina told you to?

Yeah.
Why?

Well, I thought
maybe I earned it.

Really?

So you can just give me
a raise at any point?

Sure.

Why didn't you give me
a raise like six months ago?

Tina didn't tell
me to.

No, I mean I don't like that I got
a raise just because of my wife.

Why did you take the job?

What?

We didn't hire you
because we needed the help.

We hired you because Kim told Tina
that you needed to work.

I didn't know that.

Well, it explains
why you didn't thank me.

This is bullshit.
I don't need your charity.

Again, not my idea.

You know what man?
I quit.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh wait, Louie. Let me fire you
so you can collect unemployment.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was your day?
- Good.

Good.

I think there's a short
in this cord.

Oh yeah?
I quit my job today.

What?
Why?

I don't want a pity job
that you got for me.

I feel like everybody
is been humoring me

like when Lucy does a drawing
and we put it on the refrigerator

and we say, "Oh, you are
going to be an artist."

She's not gonna be
a f*cking artist.

- What's your problem?
- I don't have a problem.

Everything's great now.
You may have gotten me a job,

maybe you got me
a raise,

but I quit all by myself.
I did that.

No one can take
that sh*t away from me.

So he's mad at you
for doing him a favor?

Yeah, can you
believe that?

He's got the sweetest
setup of anybody ever.

I work and pay the bills,
he barely does sh*t.

But he wants to get out of the house,
so we get him a job,

which just covers the daycare
so he can work the job,

and at the job all he does
is eat donuts with his jackass friends.

- No offense to your husband.
- None taken.

And I end up doing most
of the housework for him,

and on top of everything else I f*ck him
and give him a blowy every now and then.

- You do so much.
- I know, right?

You know what
you should do?

Quit your job and make him get off
his a*s and support you for a while.

I don't wanna quit my job.
I love being a nurse.

You shouldn't have
to work.

Well, I never think
of it as work.

It's what I've always wanted
to be since I was a little girl.

So what? He's getting to do
what he wants to do.

But maybe
he's not though.

Has he ever gotten
to do what he wants to do?

Oh, make up your mind.
Is he a d*ck or not?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Tin, could you...

Oh sh*t, I wanted
to see this one.

So where
did you go?

Just walking around,
thinking a lot.

I'm sorry about
blowing up before.

Never mind that.

Listen, I have something
important to say to you.

Come on,
sit down.

- What do you want?
- What do you mean?

It's weird.

I don't really know.
Do you have...

like a dream?
I got to be a nurse.

Was there ever something
that you wanted to do with your life

that you never got
a chance to do?

Well, yeah, I wanted
to be a pilot.

Of airplanes?

It just always seemed
really cool to me.

When I was in high school
I was really into it.

- I didn't know that.
- Yeah.

I memorized the whole
radio alphabet.

Alpha, Bravo, Charlie,
Delta, Echo, Foxtrot,

Golf, Hotel, India,
Juliet, Kilo, Lima,

Mike, November, Oscar,
Papa, Romeo, Sierra,

Tango, Uniform, Victor,
Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu.

Wow.
That's long.

So why didn't you
ever do anything about it?

I did. I went to the air force
recruiting center,

and they gave me some forms to take
home and I just never filled them out.

Why not?

Well, I had to make a copy
of my driver's license,

and the copier at the library
was broken

and I kind of lost
momentum after that.

Okay, look.
You have to do this.

This is your dream,
you gotta go for it.

Kim, I'm 38.

Exactly you're 38,
f*ck it.

Take a shot,
why not?

I mean you already
know that alphabet thingy

with the alpha-onesie-twosie.
That sh*t is sexy.

Yeah, but...
can we do this?

I don't know.
Maybe, maybe not.

But you supported me
through nursing school,

I'm willing to let you
give this a try.

You wanna be a pilot?
Go be a pilot.

Wow, really?

Yeah. Actually
I'm kind of excited.

It's been a while
since I f*cked a pilot.

Okay.
What cloud types

would indicate
convective turbulence?

A: Cirrus.

B: Nimbostratus

C: Towering cumulus.

Come on, d*uche bag,
we just went over it.

Is it A?

C: Towering cumulus.

What kind of dipshit
doesn't know that?

You're supposed
to be helping me.

Yeah, but by
discouraging you

I'm saving
countless lives.

Sorry to interrupt.
Can I get a couple ice cubes?

Yeah, sure,
Jerry.

I'm glad your unemployment
is not getting you down.

You're trying to better
yourself like I do.

Better yourself?

There's a version of him
that's worse than this?

It's all about
helping people.

That's why when I have time,
I go help out at the soup kitchen.

- You do?
- Yeah.

They got free soup.
I eat there all the time.

I thought you said you were
helping people.

I am. If I wasn't there,
who would they give the soup to?

See,
I'm helping them,

because it makes
them feel good

to bring
people soup.

Oh, I see your logic.
What about this:

By helping them feel good,
it makes you feel good, right?

Right.

So technically, aren't they
the ones helping you?

Oh.
You're right.

I didn't help
anybody.

I've been wasting
my life.

Now I gotta
rethink everything.

All right, relax Jerry,
have another ice cube.

All right, Lou,
let's go.

Pilot minimum flight
visibility

- for class E airspace...
- Okay, wait wait wait wait.

My head's starting to hurt,
can we take a break?

Fine by me.

Now that's
a cumulus cloud.

Check it out.
I know the whole radio alphabet.

Alpha, Bravo,
Charlie, Delta,

Echo, Foxtrot,
Golf, Hotel, India...

Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike,
November, Oscar.

Wait a minute.
You guys know it too?

Yeah. I learned the whole thing
off of my police scanner.

I don't know
how I know it.

What the f*ck
is going on here?

We're taking
a study break.

Okay, I'm picking up Lucy
from daycare in 10 minutes.

Rich, get your weed and your
superbong out of my house.

Fine.

I'll finish this
on the bus.

Jerry, go downstairs
please, I'll talk to you later.

All right.

You really
inspired me, Louie!

I can't believe you spent
the whole day getting stoned.

Do you know they frown
on this when you are a pilot?

I'm not gonna be a pilot.
Who are we kidding?

- Why not?
- It's too hard.

All these vectors,
and altitudes, and sea level.

Who gives a sh*t
what the clouds are called?

I just wanted
to fly around.

Okay, so maybe you flying planes
was a little ambitious.

Let's sh**t for a more
realistic dream

that involves stuff
that you're already good at.

You mean a dream
about mufflers?

Whose dream
is that?

You know I never thought of actually
trying to build a future with mufflers,

- but maybe...
- Muffler City on Central Avenue.

They are looking
for a new assistant manager.

I haven't f*cked an assistant manager
in a while either.

This is so great that
you got a job interview, Jerry.

Yeah. I'm turning
my life around.

I'm gonna get a job,
a stove and a cat.

Let's just start
with a job.

So what does
this company do?

That's gonna be the first question
I ask at the interview.

Thanks.

Listen, this is Louie's
only suit, so be careful.

Don't worry,
I'm not gonna lose it.

I'm gonna keep it
on the whole time.

Hey,
look at you.

Assistant manager
bad-a*s.

Yeah, I look like
a bottle of Fanta.

Anyway,
here I go.

Great. Here.
Good luck, babe.

Thanks. Hey, Jerry,
have a good interview.

Have a good first day flying, Captain.

I wanna work for your fine
organization.

Oh.

I like
your enthusiasm,

and I can offer you
an entry-level position.

Oh. Okay, yeah.

Okay then.
You got yourself a job.

Oh.
Thanks a lot.

Well,
welcome aboard.

Yeah,
welcome aboard.

Welcome aboard.

It's like, "Welcome,"
it's like...

"Well,
come aboard."

It's well,
it's good, it's great.

You're aboard now.
In fact, you're onboard

but you're not
a board.

You're
enlivened now.

You're given life.
That's what you did.

You woke up this morning and you said,
"I'm gonna enliven somebody,"

while... that's what you were thinking
while you were shaving,

That's what you were thinking,
you were just gonna hire somebody.

You're not the hirer, you're the guy
who gets them on the ship.

And you carry
the ship on the sea

of what
happens next.

You got me
into an arena

of "Let's make it
happen now."

You know, this ain't
just a building,

and paintings.
You've got colors flying around here.

You designate colors.
You inject colors

into the man and say,
"Hey, man, let the colors fly!

Let them fly, man!
You're here to soar!"

It's about soaring buddy,
the ship don't float.

The ship
soars man.

And it cuts away
the pirates coming up,

and the piranhas
and the sharks!

So what time?
What is the time

that you desire,
that you long for

rapaciously?
You're vicious.

You want me viciously...

what time
you want me in here?



- Hey, how was work?
- Great.

- Really, really great.
- That's awesome.

Yeah, I gotta say being
a manager is pretty cool.

You get to deal with the customers
instead of being under a car all day.

And it's a really great group
of guys working over there.

And I f*cking
hate it!

- What?
- Muffler City sucks.

That whorehouse
can eat my a*s.

The mechanics
are all shitbags who hate me.

And the customers think
they're on a f*cking day spa.

Today this guy complained
that his tailpipe was dirty.

And I had to say,
"Sorry, sir,"

instead of, "Stick it up your d*ck,
you pussyfaced p*ssy!"

Did you like the sandwich
I made you for lunch?

I ate it on the toilet
while crying.

Honey, maybe tomorrow
will be better.

I was happy before,
hanging out with Mike,

and fixing the occasional
muffler or not.

I'm gonna go back
to Mintz right now,

and beg Mike
for my job back.

- Actually, could you maybe...
- I'll call Tina.

Yeah.

Echo, Foxtrot,
Golf, Hotel,

India, Juliet,
Kilo, Lima,

Michael, November,
Oscar, Papa,

- Qu... oh. Ah.
- No, don't stop.

- Uh... ooh.
- Get to Zulu!

Okay. November,
Oscar, Papa...