01x12 - Kim Moves Out

[bunniefuu]

This is great.

Thanks for finally
inviting me

to one of your boring
family barbecues.

Hey, this is what we do, okay?
It's relaxing.

We're having
a good time.

No, you're not.

Let me lighten
things up a little bit.

Hey, everybody, you wanna hear
a funny joke?

Hey, wait, Rich, don't tell a joke.
There's kids here.

Don't worry, it's completely clean.
It's a kids' joke.

Why did the chicken cross
the basketball court?

I don't know.
Why?

'Cause he heard the referee
was blowing fouls.

- Oh God.
- I don't get it.

Foul is a double entendre,
as*h*le.

It means the ref was sucking
the chicken's d*ck.

Jesus!

- Shut up, Rich.
- All right, fine.

Back to boring.

I do a pretty good Bill Cosby
impression.

Really?
Oh let's hear it.

- Yeah, let's hear it.
- No no, you don't wanna hear it.

Oh, come on, Walter,
you have to do it now.

- Okay.
- All right, yeah.

Cosby,
oh yeah.

Walter, no.

Well, they wanna
hear it.

Walter, don't do this.
You sound nothing like the man.

It's a party. It's a fun thing
to do at a party.

- Yeah, why don't you let him do it?
- Excuse me.

Walter, every time
you do that impression

you humiliate yourself,
you humiliate me

and people just feel
embarrassed for you.

That's not true.

It is true.

God, that was awful.

"Lucky Louie" was taped
before a live audience.

Wake up, you lazy
piece of sh*t!

What are
you doing?

Get up, Louie!

I have to be at work
in half an hour.

I'll get up
in 29 minutes then.

What's your problem?
Jesus.

I have been
taking care of Lucy

and getting ready
for work all morning.

Get up!

Now!
I'm not kidding!

f*cking tell me
what to do.

I'll k*ll you.

Give me
a kiss, baby.

Love you.

Hey, how about trying to squeeze in
a shower today, okay, pal?

Because
you smell.

Why is Mommy
so mad today?

What did you do?

Papa, look what I found.
Can I keep it?

I don't think so, Lucy,
that's a cigarette butt.

Come on.
Let her keep it.

Go wash your hands
in the water fountain, okay?

Do you think that fountain
is any cleaner?

The same homeless shemale
that smoked that cigarette

probably washed her ba*ls
in that fountain.

Man, this day blows.

Kim was really bitching it up
this morning.

What did you do?

Nothing...
I don't think.

- Must be PMS.
- No, I know what that's like.

That's coming
next week.

I'm looking forward
to it after this sh*t.

Is she behaving
erratically?

- Yeah.
- Did it come on suddenly?

- Yeah.
- f*ggots have it easy, don't they?

Well,
whatever it is...

I'm sure she's
over it by now.

Hello.

What are you doing?

What?

Why the hell
are you still here?

Lucy's playing and I'm watching her.
What's your problem?

Because, Louie,

you should have been
home an hour ago.

You were supposed
to start dinner.

Her bath's gonna be late,
she's gonna be up all night.

I won't sleep.
I have a double tomorrow

and I'll be
dead on my feet.

Hey!

I'm having some quality time
with my daughter, all right?

So shut up.

Oh, that's great.

You're gonna act all tough
in front of your friends?

You think I give a sh*t
what your friends think?

Well, gotta get home.

See you, Kimmy.

Irritating b*tch.

Excuse me?

What was that?

Hey, blow me, okay?

- What?
- I said blow me.

Okay, fine. Take it out
and I'll blow you.

What?

If you take it out
and it's hard,

I swear to God
I will suck it.

Yeah.
Don't tempt me, babe.

Come on, let's go.
Whip it out, Rich.

I thought so.

What the hell
just happened, Lou?

I told you she'd be up all night.

I didn't sleep,
now I'm screwed for the day.

Hey, I was up too.

God! You're such a selfish as*h*le
sometimes.

Such a d*uche.

Such a...
just dickhead.

- I get it.
- No, you don't!

Hey! What is your problem
these days?

You have the gall
to ask me that

when you suck a*s
as a partner.

Well, that hasn't changed.

You changed. I'm sucking exactly
the same amount of a*s

I always sucked.

But it didn't use
to bother you.

Now you are freaking out
left and right. What happened?

Something happened.

You're right.

I don't know
what happened.

Nothing happened.

I mean,
usually I can deal.

But just...

all of a sudden
I just...

hate you...

I think.

- What?
- Yeah.

I hate you.

Sorry.

It's just
what I'm feeling.

What do you mean
you hate me?

Just...
hate. I hate you.

Sorry.

I don't get it.

I don't know. I think
there's just like this place

where I put all
your sh*t,

and I think
it just got full.

Well, does it have like a bag
you can change out?

I don't think so.

What are you saying?

It's over?
You wanna leave me?

No no.
I still love you.

I do. It's just...
that I...

f*cking hate
you a lot.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so what do
we do about it?

I don't know.
I don't want to hate you.

All right.
That's good to know.

Well,
how about this:

What about me
do you hate?

Try to think
of some things.

- What for?
- 'Cause I'll stop doing them.

I'll change.
Just think of some sh*t,

some things
you hate about me.

There's a lot
of things.

Okay,
that's good.

Look...

just...

just tell me everything
about me that sucks.

Okay.

Well, I hate
that you wake up

whenever you
feel like it.

You can't do that in
a family, it's not fair.

Okay.

And you always
wait for me to tell you

what needs to be done,
which makes me feel like a total nag.

- Needs to be done...
- And you act

like just doing your part around
the house is a huge favor to me

and a giant pain
in your a*s!

Okay.
And you have no regard

for the way you look
around the house.

It's like what you wear to bed
and during the day,

there's no
differential there.

- Also, you don't even listen to me...
- I got enough.

- But I'm not finished.
- How much more...

Never mind.
Just...

let me work on these,
and you can give me more later.

Okay.

That's good.

Thanks.

Oh, and nose hair.
Clip it.

I'm going
to the dry cleaner's tomorrow,

you have anything
you want to drop off?

I do an excellent
Bill Cosby.

Oh, Walter.
Come on.

People have told me
that it's good and they enjoyed it.

Those people
are being polite.

I'm your wife, and I'm telling you
that when you do it

you look ridiculous.

Frankly,
I'm doing you a favor.

Well, don't do me
any favors.

I'm a man.

If I wanna do a Bill Cosby
impersonation, I'm gonna do it.

We're in a new place.
You're not gonna do it here.

I'll do it
if I want to.

I'm gonna do it.

If you do it, you'd better do
an impression

of Bill Cosby
checking into a hotel.

Hey,
good morning.

Have a seat. I made you
some breakfast.

Oh.
Thank you.

No problem.

Thanks for the frozen waffles,
Papa. Can I go get dressed?

Sure you can. I already picked out
your outfit. It's on your bed.

Here's a cup
of tea also.

Thank you.

That's okay.
I really enjoyed it very much.

Also I packed your lunch
and I put an apple in there.

I know that you
like apples.

Yeah.

This is awful,
please stop.

Well, what the f*ck?

I fixed everything
on the list.

I know, but...

Well, do you still hate me?
What is it?

Yeah.

But it's not
the things you do.

Well, if it's not what I do then,
what do you hate?

What is it?

I think
it's just...

your whole person.

Just who you are.

Your face.

Your voice.
Your smell

and just...

your whole essence
of being, really.

You're kinda hurting
my feelings right now.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's okay.

But we got to find a way
to get back to before

- you were disgusted by me.
- I know.

I don't like
feeling this way.

You know what?
I think...

maybe I need to spend
some time away from you.

Okay.
No, okay.

You know
what we should do?

Why don't I just spend the weekend
at Mike's or Rich's house?

Oh yeah.
You'd love that.

You get to hang out with your friends,
and I get to stay here

to take care of all
this sh*t by myself?

Hey. You guys got
any more olives?

Yeah, they're
in the fridge, Jerry.

Thanks.
I just need three.

Maybe you should go somewhere
for a couple of days.

Get a break
from me.

Where am I
gonna go?

I don't know.
Stay in a hotel or something.

We can't afford
a hotel.

You need
a place to stay?

Well, yeah, but just
for the weekend.

Oh, stay at my
apartment downstairs.

You can have the whole place
to yourself.

Where will you stay?

Oh yeah.

Wait wait.
Can I stay here?

- You wanna stay here?
- Yeah, Kim is staying at my place,

and I got
nowhere to go.

Okay so, what are
we gonna tell Lucy?

Well, we'll just tell her that you're
visiting somebody far away.

That way she won't know
you're right downstairs.

Okay.
That's good.

So...
it's okay?

- I can stay here?
- Yeah, sure.

Wow.

Thanks, man.

You're really getting me
out of a jam.

Oh sh*t.

I dated
this guy once

who cried like a baby
every time we had sex.

That's kinda
nice though.

No.

It wasn't like
nice, soft crying.

It was like,
he would wail

like a baby,
really loud

while he was
f*cking me like,

"Oh Kim!

Kim!"

Oh Christ,
that's horrible.

Oh God.
This is so great.

I'm never going back
to my shitty little family.

What are
we eating, Papa?

I'm making wiggly pasta
with tomato sauce.

What are you drawing?

Something green.

That's great.

Look.

I drew a pony.

That doesn't
look like a pony.

It doesn't?

Here, it needs a tail.

Oh yeah.

Thanks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Here you go. Okay.
- Thanks.

Hey, how is it
going in there?

Oh, really good
actually.

Lucy's having
a great time

and I'm gonna watch "Rocky V"
tonight while she's sleeping.

- Good, you should.
- Yeah.

How is it going
down there?

Good.
Really good, actually.

I just love
my time to relax.

- I read a whole book yesterday.
- Good good.

Yeah, and I was
actually thinking

that tomorrow's
Monday and I'm off,

so maybe I could
take one more day.

Just one day
and one night more.

Oh, you should,
totally.

Oh, then I can watch "Conquest
of the Planet of the Apes" on TBS.

- Yeah. Okay great.
- Yeah.

- All right, I'll see you later then.
- Okay.

Oh, here's
your mail.

Oh, thanks.

Whoa.

This is kind of moving
in a dangerous direction.

Yeah, I'm enjoying this sh*t
a little too much.

I'm as happy
as I've ever been.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, I bought
a new lamp

for Jerry's apartment.
I spent the whole day cleaning it

and now I'm moving
my stuff down there.

Wow. If this keeps up
we're gonna be...

neighbors.

f*ck.

- What do we do?
- We gotta work this out.

Look we gotta have
a whole serious

sit-down
talky thing.

Now, like tonight.
I'll get a babysitter.

Okay, I'll meet
you downstairs at 7:00.

Good.

Walter.

Walter, are you
in the bedroom?

Yeah.

Can you bring in
my moisturizer?

Okay, honey.

So this is good

that we're doing this.

Definitely.
Definitely.

Are you guys
ready to order?

Oh yeah.
Just one second.

I'm gonna have the bacon double
cheeseburger and...

Don't get that.
Order something healthy.

It's a restaurant.

So that means you have to jam
grease in your arteries?

If it tastes
good, yeah.

Louie, your heart's
gonna explode.

Get the f*cking organic
mixed baby greens.

You know, why don't you
just order for me?

And why don't you
eat it too?

And then just sh*t
in my mouth.

We're gonna
need a minute.

Maybe this
was a bad idea.

Jesus Christ.
You and your f*cking hate.

You're not the only one
who hates.

What?
You hate me?

Yeah, sometimes.

You're surprised?

I don't know, just...

hearing you say it.

God.

What do you do
when you hate me?

I just keep it in

and I let it crush my heart
down to a diamond.

So we hate each other
and we're married.

How did that happen?

I remember
it used to be so nice.

You know,
when we started dating.

Yeah, that was nice.

Not our first date though.

Oh God, no.
That was awful.

Nightmare.

You showed up wearing
those stupid clothes

and you took me
to that shitty cafe.

You smelled.

And you never listened to me
when I talked to you.

You ignored me
the whole time.

And I remember
watching you leave

through my window and thinking,
"Jesus, I hate that guy."

Oh my God.

I've hated you
from the beginning.

I felt the same thing.

- You did?
- Yeah.

I remember I came to pick you up
and you gave me a dirty look.

And then we went to that restaurant,
you acted snooty about it.

And then you told
these long, f*cking stories

that... who would
listen to that sh*t?

And I remember
walking down your steps

and thinking, "God, I hate
the sh*t out of that b*tch."

So we always
hated each other.

Yeah.

- Isn't that bad?
- No, it's great.

'Cause all married couples
hate each other.

The ones that don't make it
are the ones that can't handle it.

But we know we can handle it, 'cause
it's been there since the beginning.

But we still chose
to be together.

Yeah, we did.

This marriage
was built on hate.

That's why it's
gonna last forever.

Listen. Tonight,
when we get home,

I'm gonna
f*ck your t*ts off.

So you see,

Pudding Pops
are so delicious

because it puts a smile
on your face.

And you just say,
"Oh boy."

And your stomach says, "Thank you
very much for the Pudding Pop,"

and you say,
"You're welcome, stomach."

And then your stomach says,
"I think I want another Pudding Pop

with all the chocolate
and the vanilla and the flavor."

You know what, b*tch?
You can kiss my a*s.