- Whoa.
- Sorry.
- Oh, don't worry.
She's a--she's a feminist log.
- Oh.
Do you want a medal?
- No.
I mean, I'd take a smile if you had one.
- Are you f*cking kidding me?
- Next.
- No, no.
Sorry. My name is Henry.
I should have said that sooner.
Silly me.
- Next.
- Oh, sorry.
Oh, hi.
Sorry.
Oh, uh, just to clarify, I wasn't,
like, trying to hit on you just then,
in case that's how it came across,
you know.
Not that you're not my type.
I mean, actually, you're exactly my type.
- You're not my type.
- Hello?
- Oh, I'm--ma'am, I'm sorry.
Um, OK, actually,
before I hand this over to you,
I would like you to understand that
this is not just a piece of wood.
In case people were wondering,
this is a legitimate, magical object
that holds very real
emotional significance in my life
because my ex, the woman I love,
cut it down after
a vigorous lovemaking session
in the hills of Oregon.
We were on a little sexcation.
You ever have one of those?
See, I'm trying to, uh, win her back,
which is why I was like,
"I'm not hitting on you just now."
Just--just saying.
- How many bags?
- Oh, just this little guy.
Sorry.
Should I--can I put this
over here for you?
- Yeah, right on the scale.
- I can just put it in for if you want.
- Sure.
- There it is.
It's up.
- Can you just balance it so that they--
- Yeah, no, I--I got it. I got it.
- Next!
- Hi.
- Are you a Scorpio?
- Cancer.
- Cancer, interesting.
What's your moon?
What's your rising?
- Sir, I'm really gonna have to ask you
to leave the premises.
- Yeah, no, I was just trying
to have a quick--
yeah.
Yeah, of course. Sorry.
- Good evening. Welcome on board.
- Anyway, I'm about to take off,
so I gotta go.
OK.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
- My childhood dog just died.
- Hey.
Um, hey, I'm sorry to bother you,
but what--what's your name?
- Uh, Will.
- Will, my fiance and I were supposed
to sit next to each other,
but that seat wasn't available.
Apparently, now it is.
Like, would it be too much of a bother
if I just, like, scooted in?
Would that be OK?
Just, we--we just can't
get enough of each other.
You know what I mean?
Just--sorry.
Oh, well, hello there, mister.
Oh. Wow.
You are a handsome man.
Such nice skin.
Seriously, though, you can go
to my seat if you want.
It's Comfort Plus.
- I'm all set here. Thanks.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, are you sure?
You're welcome.
Oh, my God.
Whoa!
Do you wanna play?
- No.
- You and me.
Come on, one toss.
Just one. Call it.
Heads or tails?
- Tails.
- Oh, that's pretty good.
I'm a heads person myself, but...
Let's try one more.
Let's see.
Wow.
Jesus.
Whoa!
sh*t!
Oh, f*ck!
Oh!
You OK?
- Oh, I hate this.
Flying?
- Everything--flying, you.
- Me?
Oh, f*ck!
- We're gonna die!
- We're not gonna die, OK?
We're probably not gonna die!
We're probably, probably!
Ah!
Please hold my hand.
- Sorry, you don't have anything?
Not even, like, a minivan or a Bronco?
- Do you need a ride?
I'm a double black
triple platinum member, so.
- Can I drive?
- No.
My name's on the rental, so no.
Oh, Jesus.
OK.
Maybe just take it easy there a little,
Cancer, please.
What are you--come on.
You can't smoke in here, man.
This is my rental.
- Tell me about log girl.
What's she like?
I mean, she's beautiful, you know.
- Oh, wow. She sounds special.
- And she's smart.
OK, way smarter than me,
and she knows it, which is sexy.
She's brave.
Oh, sh*t.
Pull over here.
Thank you.
- This?
- You cannot be serious.
- OK, look, just wait here if you want.
I'll be a few minutes. All right?
- If you're not back in 15, I'm leaving.
- OK, that's fine.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, sorry, that--um, I'm--
I didn't mean to bother you.
I'm looking for, um...
- Madam Universe?
- Yeah, is she here?
- Hi.
Brian and I are so excited
to see you at the wedding
this weekend.
All right, so I got a couple details.
Friday--
- Oh, actually, you know what?
If it's OK, I, uh--
I brought my own.
- Dal's deck.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hmm.
- I'm a huge fan of surrealism.
- It'll be an extra $10.
- Are you charging me a corkage fee
for bringing my own deck?
- It's unfamiliar and therefore requires
extra powers of concentration.
- You know what? Fine.
That's OK. Just let me...
- The seven of swords.
Diana, goddess of the hunt,
friend to animals and servant of the moon.
- Servant of the moon?
No, that can't--I--
I never heard it described like that.
- Are you doing the reading, or am I?
- I don't have the best relationship
with the moon, OK?
I don't trust it.
Feels like it's a little too close
to the Earth.
When I was little, I had, like,
a reoccurring nightmare
that, like, it was going
to crash into the planet
and cover the whole world with cheese.
- Cheese?
A majority of the time,
love's an extreme manifestation
of narcissism.
- Are you calling me a narcissist, or--
- You are on a journey.
But it is not the journey that you are on.
Yeah.
- Mm.
Mm, OK.
OK, I shouldn't have come in here.
I'm just--I'm sorry.
Oh, Jesus Christmas!
Ah!
f*ck bars!
I should go.
- There's no use running from the moon.
- Trust me, I--I understand.
Can you hand me my deck, please?
- She's always there, you know,
even when you can't see her.
- Thank you.
You know, when I first came in here,
I really thought you were
going to say something, like,
magical and uplifting to me.
I thought you were gonna look at me
and just tell me to follow my heart, man.
- Follow your heart, man.
- OK, look, you're making fun,
but this is very serious for me.
You can't just say it back to me
because I said it to you.
- I mean, or not,
because love is not about
being made happy.
- "Love--not being made happy."
Do you hear yourself right now?
Are you hungry?
What are you, a f*cking vampire?
Jesus.
Oh, Henry, what do you do for a living?
Oh, well, thank you for asking.
Oh, well, this seems
a little excessive, but yeah.
Actually, it's really interesting,
what I do for a living.
I--I stay at these cute
little unique Airbnbs,
and I blog about them.
And I mean, it's not
really that big of a deal,
but you know, I have, like,
1,000 followers.
So, I mean, you name it,
I probably stayed there, you know?
Actually, you know what's really funny?
I stayed at a gas station once, right?
It was, uh, Old El Paso Petroleum.
It was hosted by Sam and Diane.
Cute little couple.
They turned this 1960s garage
into this, like, awesome
little living space.
And the amenities were just, like, ugh.
But I mean, you know, gas.
Well.
So actually, do you have Instagram?
If you want, I can, like, send you
a picture or something.
- No, I don't do that.
- You don't--you don't do Instagram?
I mean, yeah, they're monsters.
What about Spotify?
TikTok?
You do that?
You do the Target app?
I got that.
So where's home for you, Cancer?
- Geneva.
- Geneva?
Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wow.
You're so fancy.
What brought you to Philly?
- My dad.
- Cancer, are you a Philly girl?
- No.
I told you, I live in Geneva.
- Oh.
- I've been there for nine years.
- So what you're saying is...
You're a Philly girl?
- I don't know what that means.
- So is there--is there, like,
a person in your life?
Are you seeing someone?
- I see people.
- You see people.
A--a person or just people in general?
- People.
- Come on.
Is that--is this really it?
Is this all I'm getting?
- What?
- I am trying to have a genuine
conversation with you, Cancer.
And so I'm actually trying
to get to know you.
You are--you're familiar
with this concept, yes?
- OK, fine.
There is a person.
- Oh, you have a person.
Cancer has a person.
OK, so tell me about him.
- Well, she.
- She. OK, she.
- She's like--
I don't know--the spirit,
this embodiment of joy.
And, um, she makes up
the most perverse stories about paintings.
And she falls in love
with every single named animal.
And her eyes--oh, my God, her eyes.
- Cancer.
Oh, OK, OK.
Say no more.
I love her.
So why are you not with this person?
- She's my best friend.
So you're a masochist.
OK, that makes sense.
- It's like she belongs in a song
or, like, a novel or something.
But she's real.
And just knowing that she's real
makes everything and everyone else
feel f*cking fake.
- And I don't know.
I don't know anything,
but I know that I love her.
And sometimes that's
the only thing that feels real.
- Maybe that's because
it's the only thing that is.
- OK, so, uh, I guess--
I guess, this is goodbye.
Do you believe in signs?
- No.
Wait, from the universe?
- Yeah.
- No.
- I've been having, like,
the strangest dreams lately
of, like, lunar crustaceans
and coincidences, yeah.
I don't know.
You just--you ever get
the feeling that, like,
maybe none of this is real?
I think you are, you know?
- Are you OK?
- Uh, yeah, I'm fantastic.
Are you--are you OK?
- OK, I'm great.
Signs aren't real.
Whoa!
That was not a sign.
- Are you gonna tell me your name?
Or am I gonna keep
having to call you Cancer?
- Jane.
- Jane.
Oh, sh*t!
- OK.
- Jane.
I guess--I guess
I'll see you around, Jane.
- Yeah.
See you around, Henry.
- Can you tell me
when you made the reservation?
- Five months ago.
- Mm.
The thing is, we have
no record of that reservation.
- That's impossible.
Are you f*cking with me?
- Jane!
- Oh!
- Jane, you f*cking wolf.
I thought you abandoned me.
I feel abandoned.
- No.
- Yes.
I'm kidding. Hi.
Hi.
- Oh.
You can't leave me.
- Mm-mm.
- You'd be so bored,
squirreled away in your lab
like some hot Dr. Frankenstein,
smoking your cigarettes, dying.
When I die, you have to promise
to spend the rest of your life
trying to bring me back, like a golem.
- Yeah.
- I'm dying to be a golem.
- Yeah, like with the clay face?
- Yes, and--
- Uh-huh.
- And the--ah!
Ah!
- God.
- Ah!
- So hot.
- I know.
- Uh, but if I bring you back,
then I get to control you, right?
- Yes.
- And are you sure you'd be OK with that?
- I'd be dead, so yeah.
- Um, the hotel lost my reservation.
- Fascists!
I'm kidding.
I canceled it.
You're staying at my place.
- With you and Brian?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah.
How's being home?
- It's weird.
- It's always weird.
- Mm-hmm.
Cute bag.
- Yums.
- Juicy one.
- Get into it.
Thank you, Connor.
- Love it. Love it here.
- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
Donica is about to get into it.
- No, thank you.
- Oh, come on!
- Don't be boring.
- I'm OK.
All right.
All right.
It's a little harder than I thought.
- Oh, yeah.
The torch.
- OK, a little one.
A little one!
- I'm so happy you're here.
- Me too.
- I'm so happy.
Oh.
- Yeah!
- OK!
Now we can go.
- After you.
- Good.
- Oh!
Let's party!
- Partying at a stoplight is weird.
- What? Oh.
- Where are you, question mark.
- So I'm thinking here.
I used to cut Jane's hair in high school.
- You wanna do it?
- Can I?
- I mean, you're the bride.
If you want to.
- OK.
Thank you.
- Sam!
- Let's take a look.
What did you do to the back?
Did you cut this?
- Dude, last time I went
to a salon in New York,
they charged me $200,
and I came out looking like Mufasa.
- Ooh, Mufasa's kind of hot.
- What?
He's an animated lion.
- Yes.
- I'll take it.
- People go to salons for a reason,
a really good reason.
What about that?
- Do you like that?
Or like--one more try.
These are your bangs,
but, like, to the side.
- I love it.
- I think that's really cute.
- No.
- I know.
So we're gonna cut it.
- I can just, like, stand
behind someone for the photos,
and you won't even see me.
- Absolutely not.
- Connor will be--
- No.
Do you trust me?
Excuse me.
Do you trust me?
- Yeah.
- OK.
- OK.
- It's gonna be great.
Yeah.
OK.
I think I changed my mind.
Yeah.
So you're not gonna cut my hair?
- I don't think so.
I think we'll just, like,
put it up or something.
OK, cool.
Am I done here?
I'm gonna go out and have a cigarette.
- Yeah.
This way,
Henry won't fall in love with you.
- Henry's here?
- Yes, the drama llama is here.
- Henry, as in your ex-boyfriend?
- Don't judge me, OK?
- Sam.
- We kept in touch.
- Why?
- Oh, my God. Listen, listen.
It's not like that.
We're just friends, OK?
I don't like losing people.
I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Um, it's OK.
You'll probably really like him
if you just chill, all right?
Just don't let him pull you
into one of his Gonzo
"it's the end of the f*cking world"
routines.
- I can't believe you invited Henry
to your wedding.
- This coming from my best friend
who moved halfway across
the planet for graduate school?
That was really cool, by the way.
Do you have a towel?
- Yes, I do.
- And I'll definitely need
more champagne because--
- Of course.
- You got your hair cut.
- No, actually. I didn't.
- It's very nice.
- You can't win her back.
- I can try.
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
Come on.
Oh, my God, this is wild.
It's wild!
Cancer, it's a f*cking lobster!
Oh, come on, man.
- Dude.
Are you seeing a therapist?
- Are you kidding me?
Are you--I told you, OK?
I told you!
Crabs, OK?
Crustaceans, all right?
They're one of the signs.
Come get lunch with me.
Look, stop smoking.
Put the cigarette down,
and realize how crazy this is.
This is wild, man!
- Henry?
What's going on?
- Hi, Samantha Jones.
- I thought you were having a cigarette.
- I am.
- Oh, but having it with him?
- No.
He just showed up.
Did you invite him?
- Why would I?
No.
- Jane and I almost died
in a plane crash yesterday.
- Oh.
- And then we rented a car--
- Oh.
- And came here together for you.
- You almost died--
why didn't you say anything?
- It didn't seem important, honestly.
- Actually, it was very intense.
It was. Very scary.
She was scared.
You know, we're gonna go get some lunch,
uh, if you wanna come.
- I can't.
We're doing bachelorette stuff.
- Hey, you know, if you change your mind--
ugh.
So you are coming.
Good.
We've got a lot to talk about.
You can't tell me that's not crazy.
- I'm not here for you.
I'm here for booze.
- Ah, thank you so much, sis.
OK.
What's--what's with the tape?
- Mm.
I'm clinically insane.
- Oh, OK.
Well, that explains a lot.
- Please don't say it
like it turns you on.
- It does turn me on.
Mm.
- Whatever.
No, I'm an adhesive engineer.
- OK.
That's a--that's a real job?
- Yeah.
It's actually a very important
and underappreciated profession.
I develop various chemical compounds
that help different objects
adhere to each other.
- Oh, so you make things stick together.
- And unstick.
- Wow, that's incredible.
So these are your, like--
- These are the compounds
that I'm working on.
- Creations.
- Yeah.
So this one's too strong.
See?
And this one's too weak.
- Let's talk strategy.
How do we break up this wedding?
- Oh, yeah.
Well, that's an easy one.
We don't.
- OK, come on, Cancer.
This is our destiny.
- Our destiny?
You know, from the guy that was supposed
to move with her to San Francisco
and then didn't--you just didn't.
You are such a f*cking coward.
And I cannot believe
that she still talks to you,
never mind that
she invited you to her wedding.
Ugh.
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
I'm great.
- Hmm.
- This has been the best year
of my entire f*cking life.
I got my doctorate,
and I have a job that's really fulfilling.
And I go jogging.
I sleep like a baby.
- Wow.
You know what's funny is,
my nephew's a baby.
He doesn't sleep.
- I sleep like a corpse.
- That's just fantastic.
Mm-hmm.
Why are you here?
My best friend's getting married.
And I'm here to support her.
- No. Why are you here with me right now?
I saw you through
that salon window, Cancer.
- You don't know anything.
- You sure you don't want some?
It's really good.
I can break it in half.
OK, let's say that you're right.
OK, I don't--I don't know anything.
So tell me.
- Love isn't all logs and drama.
Signs from the universe?
- That's not what I think it is.
- Flying across the country
to stop a wedding
like no one else matters?
For most of us, love is...
it's just quiet.
- OK, but have you seen Brian, though?
Like, you know what I mean?
I'm not saying the man's
a serial k*ller, but if he was...
Would you be surprised?
- Sam lost a painting.
- Of Brian?
Is it of Brian?
Is it a nude?
Let me see.
Come on. Just let me--here.
- OK.
I gotta go.
- Yeah.
Ah, you've been summoned.
You gonna be OK?
Need me to come?
- No, I'm fine.
- Hey.
Just...
You know, you don't have to go.
- I'm fine.
I'm totally fine.
- Do you see it?
- I don't know.
What does Brian look like again?
- You're kidding me, right?
- Yeah, no.
I mean, I know what he looks like.
- I don't want to be mad at you,
but like, you could apologize.
- I'm sorry.
Oh.
Well, is this it?
- You don't get it.
This is my wedding.
You're supposed to be there for me.
- I'm here.
I'm literally right here, on a ladder.
Actually, I'm just gonna to be right--
- No, no.
Go.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh, I found it!
- Wow!
Sam, Brian has a really nice...
- It's not funny, at all.
You're so stupid.
- It's really--yeah, quite nice.
- It's Hannah's.
- Oh!
Well, be sure to tell her I'm a fan.
- So what do you think
about the jumpsuit?
- You look like a bride.
- I am gonna go call Brian.
He held office hours here last night.
And my luck, he probably found it.
- Ugh! He didn't pick up.
Ready to be social?
Come on.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, uh, everything
all right in there, guys?
- Oh, oh, f*ck yes.
- Jesus.
Oh, no.
Sorry, I just I didn't mean to interrupt.
I just didn't realize how communal
these showers were, you know?
- You don't go here.
- Jesus.
Uh, no.
No, I do not.
I--I Airbnb'd a dorm room down the hall.
OK. I'm sorry.
Have we met?
- I'm Lucas.
- Henry Devine.
- That's Nick.
- Nice.
Nice to meet you guys.
- Well, Henry Devine,
how's your evening so far?
- Um, fantastic, actually.
I would--I would ask you
the same question,
but I have a feeling yours
is also fantastic, I think.
- You're in Rich's room.
- I am, indeed.
How did--how did you know this?
- Oh, dorm fellow.
- You're the dorm fellow.
- Yeah.
I kind of know everything around here.
So I'm actually in room 303,
right over there.
Hit me up while you're here.
- Uh, awesome.
Actually, well, I'm in--
I'm in town for, like,
just a short amount of time.
I'm here to break up my, um--
my ex-girlfriend's wedding.
But--so I'll probably be really--
just really busy, so.
- Hmm.
OK.
Well, um, let me know
if you need anything.
- Good vibes, man.
Nice touch, Rich.
"Welcome to the dorm.
Do not forget to leave a review."
Yeah, well, it's what I do, bud.
Aged in concrete.
That sounds fantastic.
Mm, no, ah.
Oh, my God, it's like monkey a*s.
Bad idea.
Bad idea.
- Hey.
Did we miss the French maid memo?
- I know. It's kind of tragic.
- I somehow made it four years
without debasing myself once
in college, and now I regret it.
- You're Hannah, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- I actually saw some of your art
in Sam's gallery.
- Really?
What's the verdict?
- It was bold and sensual.
Yeah I mean, like,
what's not to love about vulvas?
So.
- Well, thanks.
You're Sam's best friend
from growing up, right?
- Yeah, we go way back.
We just don't see each other
that much anymore.
I moved to Geneva for grad school.
And I live there now.
- Geneva?
- Yeah.
- Woo!
Hi.
May I have a cigarette?
I need to go have one.
Cool. Thank you.
Thank you.
Pretty case.
- Thanks.
- Let's go.
Come on!
Come on.
- Do you think I'm a bad person?
- What? No.
- Tell me the truth.
- If you're a bad person,
you wouldn't even ask that question.
A bad person wouldn't care.
- I thought about you the other night.
I was listening to a podcast on magnets.
- Oh.
- I know it's not like tape or anything.
- They're not that different.
- The whole episode was
about why things attract.
- Mm.
Why do things attract?
- I know I learned it in,
like, eighth grade
or whatever, but, um--
but magnets, opposite poles attract.
- Right.
- Now that I'm saying it out loud,
it sounds really dumb.
Whatever.
It's not fair you're so f*cking smart.
Anyway, it got me thinking.
- Are you and Brian opposites?
- No.
Exactly the same.
- Oh.
Oh.
That's right.
You haven't met him.
- Yeah.
- That's so weird.
So weird.
No, Brian is, um, relaxed and easy.
And I'm...
You know.
- Well, I don't know.
What I like about tape is
that it just, like, comes off.
The terrifying thing about magnets
is their ability to alter materials.
Like with wood and other substances,
all the electrons go
in different directions
so that they cancel each other out.
But with iron or with other metals,
all the electrons go
in the same direction,
so they have the ability
to fully magnetize when
a magnet enters the field.
- Mm-hmm.
- I think love's like that.
Like, I think some people are more prone.
You know, like you're just
going about your day
and some semblance of a normal routine,
and then the right person comes along.
Opposite or the same, it doesn't matter.
But what matters is that you find yourself
inevitably drawn to them.
And then you try to pull away,
and you try to go back to just
being yourself, you know?
But you can't.
Like, you fundamentally can't.
- Sorry, it's Brian.
Hey.
Where are you?
Inside?
OK. Yeah.
I'll be right there.
Brian's here.
Come on.
Come meet him.
- I'll be right there.
- OK.
Hurry up.
- Stop texting me.
- Where are you?
How are you doing?
Are you OK?
- I'm at a bar.
- At a bar?
What, with Samantha?
Where?
- I'm not telling you.
- Ah, come on, Cancer.
Give me a little hint.
- A hint?
- Yeah.
Just give me, like, a baby hint.
Like a little itty bitty--
like a little minuscule hint.
Like a small one.
- No, no.
- OK, I'll tell you what.
Give me--give me a hint that's so obscure
that the only way I could figure it out
is if the universe helped me.
- There's a red painted door.
- A red door? That's too obscure.
Hello?
Oh.
Damn it.
- Hello. Hey.
- Friend, question--
if you were throwing, like,
a bridal party, like a shower,
at some place in town with
a red door, where would you go?
- Arcana?
- Arcana.
Arcana.
What is--what is that?
- I think it's a tarot card bar.
I don't--I don't know.
OK, of course it is.
Can you take me there?
Actually, you know what?
I'm sorry.
This may require a little extra.
Do you have eyeliner?
- Eyeliner?
- Do you have any eyeliner?
Do you have any eyeliner?
- Sure.
Yeah.
- OK, thanks.
- I love that.
- I know!
Mm.
You haven't heard how we met yet.
- No.
- This is wild.
So Brian missed his flight.
And he saw that the airport had
a meditation room.
- What?
- I know.
That fact alone is worth this story.
Hang on.
- Don't forget.
It was Mindfulness Movember.
Remember?
- Oh, yeah, it was. Hang on.
You have something in your teeth.
- Oh. Excuse me. Sorry about that.
- Oh, there you go.
Yeah, so he came into the studio,
and he sat right down next to me.
- And remember,
she was meditating,
so she couldn't see him.
- Oh! No way!
- Yes, they were shut.
I know.
It's-- So I--
I couldn't see you, but I swear,
you smelled like pine needles
marinating in
an old leather satchel, you know?
- Rustic.
- Oh!
Like--like fresh bread.
- You know, I do like to bake.
That's true.
- Like home.
And your--your energy and positivity, it--
it didn't matter that I couldn't see you.
- Mm.
- I felt the pull of you
between time and space,
you know?
- Like a black hole.
- It was just completely magnetic.
- Mm.
Actually, you know, if you--
if you think about it,
it's more like a--more like a wormhole.
See, wormholes are speculative structures.
- Does anyone else need a refill?
I'm gonna go to the bar.
OK.
- God, that is so f*cking romantic.
- Are you impressed?
I found you.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, hey.
Are you OK?
- What are you wearing?
- Delicious.
- What?
Could I have a double Malbec
and a chardonnay?
- Is she already telling the story about--
- Yeah, crazy story.
- I'm sorry.
- OK.
- Hi!
I am Lucas, Lucas with an L.
- Come on.
Don't leave the guy hanging.
- Jane.
- Enchant.
- Lucas is, uh, shadowing me
for the night.
He's kind of my protg--
- Definitely not that.
- My mentee--
- Would never say that.
- He does as I say.
- You told him how to get here.
- Mm, no.
It was all this, baby, right here.
Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Fine, yes. OK? He's a local.
Listen, I have a plan.
I'm gonna read for Sam.
- Read?
- Yes.
- Read what?
"Treasure Island"?
- Oh, that's quite accurate, actually.
- You have a tarot deck?
This is too much.
This is really beautiful, actually.
- OK, nope.
Actually, that's--that's bad luck.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Why?
I thought death was bad luck.
- No, it's a common misconception
for the layman.
That's more like about new beginnings.
OK?
- He just called you a layman.
- Seriously.
- Are you in?
Please?
- You guys are pathetic! OK.
- Why?
- Do you have your coin?
- I do, actually. Yeah.
Why, indeed.
- OK, heads,
I'll help you with your voodoo.
- Tarot.
- Tails, I get to take your room
for the weekend.
- OK, that's ridiculous.
Where would I sleep?
- I do not care,
but I cannot stay with Brian.
She's staying with Brian?
- OK, you know what? Just--
- Well, if she's staying with Brian--
- Yes.
- She could--
- Yeah. Just I--I--
- Sometime today...
- Yeah, OK.
- Johnny Depp.
- Just, please.
Thank you.
You know what?
Fine. Deal.
Hmm.
- Whoa, that was
a weird handshake.
- Oh, deal with it.
It's binding by law.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Oh, h*, h*, h*.
- For business.
- Yes.
- I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm sorry, buddy.
- Thank you.
How many pillows do you have?
I like one for my back
and one between my knees
and one for my head.
- Ooh, luxury queen.
- Uh, OK.
You know what? New deal.
This time, heads,
you help me stop this wedding.
- No, I'm not...
- Why?
- Gonna help you break up the wedding.
- Why?
- Well, not with that attitude,
you're not.
- First of all, I'm happy for Sam.
- Stop pretending like
this isn't tearing you up inside.
If you don't tell her
how you actually feel,
if you don't do something,
you're gonna lose her.
You know that, right?
OK, so heads,
we stop this f*cking wedding.
Tails, I will--
I'll help you confess
your feelings to Samantha
because Lord knows
you're not gonna do it on your own
because you are
a beautiful little masochist.
- That's nice.
- Toss the coin.
- Oh.
Thought it was a bug.
Hey, guys.
- How--
- Hey, Henry.
Is this--is this your--
whoa, what kind of coin is this?
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Is this Etruscan or Sumerian?
Oh.
Oh. Hello, Lucas.
What are you doing here?
Do you know these two?
- Professor Moffett, it is so funny
running into you here.
How do you--do you, um--
I just ran into Henry back at the dorm.
Do you--do you come here often?
- Was it heads?
- Because I can come more.
- Or was it tails?
- Oh, uh, I don't know.
Um, maybe heads or maybe tails...
- Oh, well.
-In fact.
Darn. You know what?
I'm just gonna have to toss it again.
- No, no, no, no!
- Ooh! No.
- Mm!
Thank you. Yes.
- That...
- There you go.
- Doesn't count.
- Yeah, of course, it does.
- No, no, no.
We bet on the first toss.
- Yeah.
No, The first one was inconclusive.
- That's cheating!
- This one wasn't.
No, it is not cheating!
You saw it, right? You saw it?
- Yeah, it was heads.
I--I think it was heads the first time.
- I saw heads too.
- Ah.
You see that?
Thank you.
- Fine. I wasn't gonna tell her anyway.
- Tell who?
- That's lying.
- Sorry?
- Huh?
- Oh, mm.
- Uh, what--what are you doing here?
- Oh, Henry, fun fact,
is a tarot aficionado.
- He's not wrong.
I came to read for Samantha, you see.
Is she perhaps in a private space,
like a bedroom?
- Hold on. Tarot?
Holy cow.
Would you--would you read for me?
- You know what
the great thing about tarot is,
is that it can actually tell you
if you're marrying the right person.
It can tell you that--
that you are marrying the--
- He's not wrong.
- OK.
I want you to cut that in three.
- OK.
So good, Brian.
OK, so let's see
what we've got, yeah?
Now, the first card represents your past.
- Well, g*dd*mn.
There she is.
- Oh, wow.
OK, actually, Temperance is
a spot-on card for you, Brian.
- Well, I mean, that's her.
That's--that's Sam.
- Well, I mean, Temperance is an angel.
- No, that's her.
That's Sam.
- Or it's Temperance, Cancer.
Thank you.
Brian, I'm--I'm sensing you're
a very tempered person, yeah?
You--you rarely allow yourself
to--to get upset.
- I did a personality test at work,
and, um, I feel no emotion.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- OK, yeah.
All right. Great.
Um, so you don't really feel emotions,
no emotions.
And you, um--you avoid extremes.
Yes, you avoid taking risks?
- Hey.
- Absolutely.
- OK, let's see about your present.
You know what?
Why don't you go ahead and flip it over?
- OK.
- OK, that's a little wild.
We were just talking about this.
Um, Brian, this is the four of cups.
And this card represents emotions.
- He doesn't feel emotions.
- According to this card, Cancer,
he does, latent emotions,
emotions you don't quite
allow yourself to acknowledge.
This card is saying that
the time for you to feel emotions
is now.
- Hmm.
- OK, look, um, this is interesting
because this card is traditionally
puzzling for people, right?
Because while it represents
temperance, she's also--
I would say, she's quite
the opposite, right?
But the point here, Brian, is,
she's been controlling your life.
You have to stop cowering
like a sad little boy.
Listen to your emotions,
and you will flourish
like the tree beside you.
But continue to cower
for the rest of your life,
and you will never reach
the cup of emotional fulfillment,
which is waiting for you
at the apex of your spiritual growth.
You need to grab life by the hands
and stand the f*ck up, brother.
Stand up!
- Oh, my God, Henry,
you are so--that's incredible.
I can't believe it. Thank you.
- Oh, OK.
Oh, man.
- Ta-da!
Signed, sealed, shots.
Right on top.
- Thank you, Lucas.
- Hello.
What is going on? Hi.
- Our lady temperance.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, well--
- Hi.
- Well, I came with the intention
of reading for you,
but, uh, your fianc took first dibs.
- Really?
You remember
the last time you read for me?
The card said we were on different paths,
and you needed to go
find yourself in Hawaii
while I got my master's at Berkeley.
- Well, Samantha, come on.
You know I have a very strong
connection to volcanic islands.
And at that time in my life, I really--
I needed to take a step back
from our current framework
so I could reevaluate my emotional needs.
- OK.
Mm.
I need you.
OK.
Hi, Durham.
My name is Sam.
This is Jane.
- Jane!
- And I'm getting married
on Saturday, OK?
The groom's over there.
Hey, babe.
And I just--I need to cut loose
and have some fun.
And we're gonna sing you a song about
one of my favorite celestial bodies,
the moon, the moon.
- f*ck.
- Hit it!
- Hit it!
- Oh.
- Oh, my--
- There we go.
We're back.
OK?
Hey.
- Aged in concrete.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- Perfect.
It's a bad idea.
- There you go.
- Ah!
- All right, why don't I just--
I'll just take this from you, OK?
- God.
I'm gonna lose her.
No.
Am I in a dorm room?
Honestly, it's a relief.
It's fine.
It's a f*cking relief.
I'm just gonna crawl into a hole
until this is all over.
Brian told me that
he doesn't believe in free will.
- Well, to be honest, neither do I.
Free will is just-- it's like,
it's f*cking propaganda
for the f*cking capitalist, man, you know?
It's like you can't control
the genes you're born with,
let alone the random series
of events that shape your life.
- f*ck off!
- OK.
- So someone did one f*cking experiment
showing that people know
what buttons they're gonna press
before they press it.
That has absolutely no bearing
on the existence of free will.
People spend their entire f*cking lives
weighing really important decisions,
like who they are
and who they love and whether or not
they should tell the person
that they love them.
And I don't believe for one second
that all those decisions
are just made for us.
What?
- You need to tell her how you feel.
- OK.
I just can't.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You can.
I promise you, you can.
You just said it, right?
Free will?
All you have to do
is decide to do it.
- I lost the bet.
Why are you helping me?
- Sam's not supposed to marry Brian.
OK, give me this.
Not that.
You can keep that.
There you go.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- You don't have to sleep down there.
- Oh, no, I definitely do, Cancer.
You won that bet fair
and square, you know.
Besides, you know, they say,
like, sleeping on the floor
is good for your spine.
- Jeez.
Henry.
- Yeah?
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Jesus Christ, this stuff
doesn't come off easy, does it?
- No, it doesn't.
It sparkles.
Ooh, my teeth!
- OK, guys, listen.
I know I--I keep coming back to it.
- Thank you.
- But f*cking arson, man.
It's classic.
- Wow.
- Too sinister.
Too many loose ends.
- What about the health
inspector angle, right?
Like, we could have rats.
Oh, no.
Crabs. Huh?
f*cking crabs.
- A crab infestation?
- Yeah, it's very poetic.
Think of it.
You got these, like, a thousand little--
little spiky, little
needle-eyed crustaceans
just shuffling around the floor.
Lucas, you could play a health inspector.
- No, thank you.
- That would definitely not work.
No offense.
- None taken.
- What about cyberbullying?
- Ooh.
- I'd be really good at that.
- Um, yeah, you would be.
You make me sad all the time.
That's perfect for you.
- I'm gonna go out on a limb here
and just suggest that
you tell Sam how you feel.
- Oh, that's interesting.
Jane?
- Yeah?
- I mean, that's on you, right?
- OK.
- Thank you, Lucas.
- Mm.
- I can work on it, but I do think
it should be like a last resort.
- OK, well, why don't you
tell us what you have so far?
- Just like--
- Just say it.
Pretend I'm her.
Hello.
I am Samantha Jones.
- Sam, I think that you are--
I'm sorry.
- OK.
- No, go ahead.
- Ah! Ugh!
Sam, for as long as I can remember,
I have felt that--
- Jesus Christ, Cancer.
You're just not writing
a f*cking college essay, man.
Look, you love her, right?
So tell her.
Tell her you love her, and you wanna
f*cking eat her p*ssy
every morning for breakfast
and have a million little babies.
- Wow.
f*ck off.
- No--ah--
- That's unnecessary.
- What was--Lucas, what was
wrong with what I just said?
- Mostly everything.
- OK, you know what? Fine.
Fine.
Guys, I'm sorry. OK?
I'm--I'm sorry. You're doing great.
OK?
We really--just try again.
- It'd be a lot better if I just
didn't have to say anything.
- OK. That's OK.
Then say nothing. Just...
- Look at her.
Like, let what you feel...
- Just like--
- Speak for itself.
Um, OK.
You know what?
I think you got that part down.
It was very good.
Wow.
- Henry.
- Very good.
Yeah?
- You know that--
- Yeah.
No, no, no. No, it's really--it's OK.
I get it.
Uh, actually, Lucas and I have
talked about going to the gym,
uh, soon.
So we're gonna go do--
do guy stuff, right?
And then you and I can work on
your declaration of love later.
- I have rehearsal in an hour.
- You're alive!
What happened?
- Sorry I'm late.
- You were smoking.
We were worried.
OK.
Um, you were gonna come back
to the place last night.
What happened?
- The p*nis straws!
They should be ill*gal.
- OK.
Uh, your stuff's still in the limo,
but we brought the keyboard down.
And you're here.
Your stage.
- OK.
- Do you need help?
- No, I'm OK.
- OK.
- Hi. How are you?
- How are you doing today, sir?
- I am well.
Wow.
So many dead things in front of me.
Could I see some of the crabs?
- That's nice.
Hey, bud.
- Uh, so it is gonna be $79.90
per pound for the crabs.
- Oh, Jesus Christmas.
Um, yeah, OK.
I mean, f*ck it. Yeah.
- So is that a yes?
- Yeah, yeah.
Just get it.
Also, I might be, um--
I might be getting you,
like, a little suit jacket
or something.
- Do you even know my size?
- I know.
You're, like, a 38 long
or something, right?
- Yeah.
That--that's exactly my size.
- That's what I get for working
at a Men's Wearhouse
for two summers.
- Uh, hey, Henry,
I gotta be honest with you.
Um, I don't know if this plan
is gonna work out
the way you think it's gonna work out.
- Oh, come on, Lucas.
My little mentee, my little mentor.
You think I don't know that, bud?
Of course I do, man.
I just--I also know that--
I don't know--
someday I'm gonna die, you know?
That doesn't mean I just stop living.
It doesn't mean I just
give up on life, you know.
You're off the trial. What is the point?
You know what I mean?
- I never really thought
about it like that before.
- Yeah, it's one
of those things, man.
It's like, Sam is the moon, you know?
And I'm the lobster.
And she's--she's ruling my tide.
Just, we're in the city at night,
and there's wolves all around.
- Gee, I have an idea.
Why don't you and I break into
Professor Moffett's office,
and then we can just look for dirt there?
- Yes.
Yes, brother.
That's what I'm talking about, man.
You feel that?
You're getting it, man.
This--this is the kind of sh*t
they don't teach you in college.
You know what I mean?
Ugh.
OK, do me a favor?
Just, um--I don't know.
Just--just text me.
Text me the address.
- Yeah, OK.
- Here you go.
- Oh, wow.
What's your return policy on the crabs?
- What's up with you and Henry?
- Nothing.
- I know you're not
sleeping with him,
but it feels like
you're sleeping with him.
Do you know for a year,
I had to listen to him
talk about apartments that
he found in San Francisco?
This is the one.
It's just a fantastic view.
Oh, it's fantastic.
Can't wait to take you up on the rooftop.
- I'm sorry.
It's OK.
Henry has a way of making everything
about him when it isn't.
And then when it is, when it actually is,
he just disappears.
He's gone.
Oh, my God.
You ladies were incredible last night.
I mean, right up until you--
anyway, Jane, I know
you are a woman of many talents.
- Oh, I don't know about that.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Sam is always saying that
you could have been
just about anything you wanted.
Yeah, OK.
Anyways, we really can't wait
for you to perform tomorrow night.
It means--it means so much
to--to both of us.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Yeah, we should--
- I'm gonna--yeah.
- Yeah.
- Coffee.
- OK, so it is--it's the--
it's the top floor, yeah?
- Uh-huh, floor 24.
- It's doable.
Dude, I should have been
a quantum physics professor, man.
- Mr. Physics. Why?
Do you believe in, like,
multiple realities?
- Are you kidding me, man?
It's the only thing I do believe in, bud.
I'm like f*cking Scott Bakula
in this b*tch.
- I'm 20.
I don't know who that this.
- Yeah.
It's amazing.
Great show.
- Where's the coffee shop?
- OK, so don't be mad, but we are
going to get coffee after we break
into Brian's office, so ta-da.
It's a caper.
- I love capers.
- Well.
- You're gonna regret
not feeding me coffee.
- OK.
Well, wait up.
Jeez.
- I like anything with a brine in it,
really.
- Lucas!
Hey.
- Hmm?
- Lucas, where's the lockpick?
- I didn't bring a lockpick.
- Lucas, I f*cking told you to bring--
- You didn't say to bring a lockpick--
- I totally did. We had this--
- I thought you said--
- To me, not--
- That's funny.
- It's not funny.
- Oh!
- Whoa.
You are so attractive right now.
Hey, we're breaking and entering.
Oh, Jesus.
Really?
- Oh, OK.
So here's the thing about
love languages, right?
Right now, there's, like,
two sets of theories.
First...
- Peanuts.
- Forget being genuine, OK?
Women don't want you to want them.
You know, they want you
to not want them so that
they can want you, you know?
If you want Sam to want you,
you may have to neg her.
- Ooh.
I think maybe we could reword that
for a better impact.
- Yeah, or we could just acknowledge
that it's f*cked up.
- Hey, listen,
Sam negs me all the f*cking time.
And you know what?
That sh*t works.
OK, I'm not saying that
I subscribe to that method myself,
but you know,
I'm just throwing it out there.
I don't know.
Um, moon colonizer.
Or--I'm not a hacker.
- Elon Musk, 1989.
- What?
- He likes Taylor Swift.
Lucas, baby, you're my muse.
That's why I keep you around, bud.
- What are we doing?
Sam knew the moment that
she met Brian that he was the one.
Like, the moment.
And her eyes were closed.
This doesn't matter.
- We can't just give up.
But sadly, there's nothing in this office
right now that's going
to stop the wedding.
Look, you love her, right?
Samantha is--she's a words person.
She needs to hear you say it.
- OK, can someone just give me the words?
Because I don't--I don't have--
I don't know how to--
I can't.
- If you're not gonna neg her--which,
again, I don't personally
subscribe to, OK?
I'm just saying it works--
then you're gonna have
to go gold standard.
- Gold standard?
- You're not scared of anything.
- I'm not?
- No, I mean, say that to me.
- Ugh.
- Please.
- You're not scared of anything.
- I'm scared of everything.
I'm scared of who I am,
of what I saw, of what I did.
But most of all, I'm scared
of walking out of this room
and never feeling again in my whole life
the way I feel when I'm with you.
- But most of all,
I'm afraid of leaving this room
and never again feeling the way
I feel when I'm with you.
- Hi. Can I get a chardonnay--
- Uh, Malbec and chardonnay.
- And a Malbec, please?
OK. Thank you.
I'll just take the one.
- And I need a cigarette.
- Thank you.
- You OK there?
- It's a warm Malbec.
Try that.
- Sure.
- Wanna maybe slow down
on those things?
Just, you're chain smoking here, Cancer.
I can unpack that with you if you like.
- It relaxes me.
- You know, I don't personally see
what's so relaxing about your lungs
shriveling up and turning black, but OK.
- I don't see why you care.
- I think you know why.
Oh, Brian.
Brian's coming.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Brian.
- Sorry.
You can't smoke here.
- Oh, you see, I told her that.
- No, I know how it is.
- I told her, man.
Didn't wanna listen.
- I'm--I'm just gonna--
OK, listen.
I have to know.
I was up all night wondering.
What was--what was the last card?
- I'm--I'm sorry. What was--what was what?
- The last tarot card.
- Oh.
Um, mm, OK, honestly, brother,
it's not really that--what--
what are we doing?
It's not important. You know what I mean?
Like, you're getting married.
Your future is f*cking
bright, shiny, perfect.
OK, that's not really necessary.
- The moon?
- OK, well, you know,
the thing is about the moon, Brian,
is, it's--it's very ambiguous.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- It doesn't really mean much.
- To me, it means everything.
When I was a kid,
I was obsessed with the moon.
I-- I wanted to be an astronaut.
- No kidding. Really? You?
- But it is so competitive.
I didn't think that I could do it.
I mean, of all people, me?
- Oh.
- So after my PhD, I stayed in academia.
And now I teach parabolas
to a room packed to the gills
with great inflated twerkers.
- Oh, gosh, Brian.
- Yeah.
- Aw, just--
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
- f*cked.
- Oh, yeah.
System is f*cked.
You know what they say.
It's never too late to follow
your dreams, brother.
You know, sometimes you just gotta--
you gotta go up to that woman.
Stand up, man!
Tell her how you feel.
Tell her your truth.
Am I right?
- You have to tell her.
You have to tell her.
- You have to tell her.
- You are so right.
- Mm.
- Thank you so much, guys.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Of course.
You--you get her, man!
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- OK.
- Human lunar exploration is sustainable.
- You really pulled me away
from our rehearsal
to talk about a f*cking card?
You know that just because
you pulled this card doesn't mean
you should literally go to the moon.
- Why not?
- It's f*cking symbolic, that's why!
- I love her so much.
- Yeah, but what if it's not?
People go to the moon.
Elon Musk has thrown down the gauntlet--
- Mention his name
one more f*cking time, Brian.
I swear to God.
- Our whole relationship,
I've let you dictate the terms.
- You've let me dictate the terms?
- But it is not fair.
Now, I love you, Sam. I do.
- Mm.
- But I am not happy.
- Of course you're not happy.
You're depressed.
- OK, I'm sorry. Is that like an act?
- Oh, my God. Go f*ck the moon, Brian!
- That's--and then that was great.
- Jane, I wanna leave.
- Now?
- Yes.
- But don't we--
- Can't you see I'm f*cking upset?
I wanna go. Come on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Go.
Go.
- g*dd*mn.
Women, huh?
- Wait, what?
- Mm.
- It's magical, right?
- Yeah.
- When I first came up here,
I thought, Jane would love this.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
OK, do you remember
when we snuck up onto your roof
to watch the planetary conjunction,
and your dad got so pissed?
- Ooh.
Yeah, he kind of went crazy
for a bit after Mom died.
- I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
That night was incredible.
- A sh**ting star.
Thought I could touch it.
- I thought you could too.
- I think about that night a lot,
the way it felt.
Like I might go the rest of my whole life
and never again feel the way
I felt that night with you.
- What'd you say?
- I just said about that night.
- That's Henry's speech.
- What? No.
- From "Dirty Dancing."
That's his favorite movie.
- That's not.
I've never seen that movie.
- You're f*cking him.
- What?
Sam!
- Where are you staying?
- You wanna look down
at your mirror like it's a--
like it's a little mouse
carrying a piece of cheese
through your kitchen, and it's like, what?
They're bipedal?
Do you remember how scared
you were of that?
- Because I don't know how
you get it so close to your eye.
- Wow.
This is fantastic.
Who are you?
- Luke.
Lucas.
Um, you're professor--I--
I'm Profe--
- Yeah, that's great.
- Professor Moffett is--
is my astrophysics professor.
- Mm.
Oh, so you're Lucas.
Let's get this party started, huh?
- OK, so then you just
kind of go back to what you were doing
before the lady walked in.
- Uh-oh.
sh*t.
- Ugh! OK.
- And I just think that
she's the voice of an angel.
And she's in "Into The Woods" right now.
And I just think that that's wonderful
for the Bareilles-nators
and the Sondheim fans alike.
You know, smoking is really bad for you.
Like, really bad for you.
Anyway, I just--I want you to know that
even if you don't know, I know there is
a support system around you.
And I love you.
And I know that, um--
and I just think that you're a great,
great, great, great person.
- Henry, stop.
Is this the tree I cut down
outside of Boulder?
- Uh, it is.
Yeah.
- Aw, wasn't it magical that night?
- Samantha, come on.
- Aw.
Can I have this?
- Of course, you can have it.
It's your wedding present.
Are you kidding me?
- Stop. Stop.
- Henry!
That's the best wedding gift
anyone's ever given me.
- It's not--it's not a big deal, really.
It's just--
- Yes.
What are you talking about?
It's a huge deal.
- You know, it has unimaginable power.
You remember?
You know.
Henry.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- I forgot something in the car.
- Jane!
Jane!
Cancer, come on.
Wait!
- Yeah, I'm out.
That was kind of f*cked.
- I appreciate you catching me, though.
Brian!
- Yeah.
- Oh, oh!
Wait, wait, wait! Brian!
Brian! Whoo, whoo!
Ha! One second.
There were a lot of stairs. Oh, I'm sorry.
Excuse me. Oh.
Lovely dress, lovely dress.
OK.
Oh, Professor Moffett, I'm sorry.
Um, I love you.
Oh.
Uh, I love you.
I've loved you ever since
you gave that lecture on parabolas,
and I asked you that question
on polar coordinates.
- You really liked that lecture, huh?
- Yeah.
I knew then.
I knew that I was going
to spend the rest of my life
spiraling outwards from you
like a f*cking corkscrew
through the universe.
- Entropy.
- Entropy.
- Chaos.
- I know we've been here before.
I know you know it too.
So don't do it.
Don't marry her.
Not this time.
- Lucas, OK.
- Yeah?
- No, no.
Uh... Lucas, I'm--
I'm flattered, but--but you, son, you're--
you're my student.
- You're flattered?
- Yeah.
- You're flattered. OK.
This is not flattery.
This is not flattery.
This is real, unlike whatever
the f*ck the rest of this is.
I mean, come on!
On a lake?
OK. OK.
Get your hands off me!
- Sorry about that, folks.
- Could I interest you
in a little mint julep?
- f*ck off.
- Come on, Jane.
Just talk to me, please.
- What is there to talk about?
- Oh, I don't know.
Maybe how the woman you love,
someone as gasoline as Samantha
just married a wet mop
like f*cking Brian, man.
Come on!
The man's a f*cking moon colonizer!
And honestly, I don't see
what Lucas sees in him.
Not a f*cking clue.
Also, that kid is pissed at me,
and no one wants to tell me why.
- 'Cause you f*cked her.
Because you're bullshit.
- What?
Jane, no, I did not.
I didn't!
Look at me.
Look at me.
I get that that's how it looked.
I really do.
But I didn't.
I swear to God, nothing, nothing happened.
- It's so easy for you.
- What is f*cking easy for me?
You're not easy.
Nothing about you is f*cking easy.
But I'm here.
And I'm talking to you.
And I can't help myself...
- Don't!
Don't!
- But I'm f*cking falling for you.
- Don't!
- Don't what?
Oh, I don't get to say how I feel?
Well, maybe you f*cking should, huh?
- You're on in five.
You OK?
You're gonna be awesome.
Yeah?
- OK.
- Loosen up. You look great.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
- All right, you beautiful
champagne-filled bellies.
I think it's about time
for our first dance.
Would you please put your hands together
for the beautiful newlyweds,
Mr. and Mrs. Brian Moffett?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I feel like I didn't get
to see you at all tonight.
- It was a busy night.
- Yeah.
You were so good down there.
- Ha.
- You were so good.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Do you want a sparkler?
- Yeah.
- Everyone's lined up outside
to see us off.
- Hey, Sam.
- Yeah.
- I love your face.
- I love your face.
- No.
Um, look,
I love your face so f*cking much,
so much I can't even look at it.
- Jane.
Right now--
- Uh, I--
I'm sorry.
I don't know how to be around you.
Being around you feels like
I'm touching f*cking sunshine.
And most of the time,
I don't feel anything.
And I don't know why.
Can you tell me why?
- Where have you been?
- I don't know.
- I'm married.
Like, I just got married.
- You only married Brian
because you can control him.
- That's not true.
- Yeah.
OK.
- No.
- OK.
Well, what's so great about Brian?
Why do you love him?
- Brian is a good person.
- Sam.
- Yes.
- What does being a good person have--
- Oh, you're an as*h*le.
You can't just kiss people.
- I know you feel it too.
- I--I don't feel anything.
- Are you, uh--are you gonna come, hon'?
- Yes.
- I'm good.
- Seriously?
- Yeah.
You know what I could really
go for right now?
- What, like a thousand
little cancer sticks
you could just suck into your lungs?
- No.
- Hmm.
- A cheeseburger.
- Oh, h*, h*, h*, h*, h*.
Ooh, I love you so much
for saying that right now.
- Let's get out of here.
- This is the kind of burger
that makes depression go away, you know?
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
Oh, f*ck.
Holy sh*t.
Have you tasted that?
Oh, my God, it's a f*cking
game-changer, man.
There's chunks of f*cking
watermelon in here.
Mm.
- Can you pass me the ketchup?
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
- I feel like I should stop
eating animals.
- God, I know, right?
Honestly, I feel terrible.
They're so charismatic, you know?
- I mean, how many animals
are you eating right now?
- I don't know.
- I could tell you.
- No, please don't.
- One--
- I don't wanna know.
- Two, three.
- Cancer, stop. Come on.
I don't wanna think about it.
- Oh.
OK, look.
- Hmm.
- Heads, we keep eating animals,
and we're terrible people.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Or tails, we stop eating animals,
and there's hope for us yet.
- Yep. Thank you, keeping that.
- What?
- Mmm.
Actually, you know what?
That reminds me.
I think you should have that.
- I can't, Henry.
That's yours.
- No, that's definitely yours.
Cancer, come on.
Besides, I think I should probably
give up on the universe
for a little while anyway.
- Henry, you can't say that.
- I mean it, though.
I don't know, man.
I--I just--
I think I just wanted it all
to mean something, you know?
And honestly, if it f*cking does,
I don't know what the f*ck it is.
- Maybe you just don't know yet.
It just takes time.
It's not like--the universe isn't gonna
reveal itself all at one time.
It's dialectical.
- Dia--dia-what-ical?
- Dialectic.
- That is an SAT word I do not know.
- What?
It's like--it's like my tape.
Like, this one is way too strong.
I can't take it off.
- Jesus, woman.
- I know.
- You're gonna have to cut
your f*cking thumb off.
- But then that one's way too weak,
and it's pathetic.
See?
- Yeah.
I'm kind of partial to this one, so.
- But it's not gonna
hold anything together.
So the perfect formula is
somewhere in the balance.
- Hmm.
Like the lobster and the moon.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Hmm.
- The answer isn't just one thing,
one symbol, or one person.
The answer is the process
of discovering the answer.
- Wow.
Seriously.
You just blew my mind a little bit.
I love that.
- I have that effect on people.
- The answer is the process
of discovering the answer.
Is that right?
I love it. I believe--
You're a little--you're a little
full of sh*t, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- Just a little bit?
- Obviously.
- Yeah.
Yeah, well, so am I.
- Yeah.
- Jesus.
- Awoo!
- Howl!
- Awoo!
Are you saying the word "howl"?
- I did.
- You did.
You were like, "Howl!"
Howl!
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Everything & The Universe (2025)
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