02x05 - Funny Muslim Song

[bunniefuu]

One, two, three, four!

♪ I'm sorry if I scare you
I scare myself too ♪

♪ I scare myself too ♪

♪ You find me terrifying ♪

♪ Could it be
You-Know-Who? ♪

♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

♪ What could I be hiding? ♪

♪ Voldemort's alive and ♪

♪ Voldemort's alive and ♪

♪ Voldemort's alive and ♪

♪ He's under my headscarf ♪

♪ He's alive
He's alive ♪

♪ Voldemort's alive
And he's under my headscarf ♪

AMINA:
And so it came to pass.

Us, laying down our music,
our legacy,

exactly as Saira
had always dreamed.

Here, at Molico Studios,

with the only producer she had
ever wanted to work with,

Dirty Mahmood.

Great work, ladies.

[SHUDDERS]
I think we can go filthier.

AMINA:
He was every inch the maverick,

mustachioed genius
Saira had described.

Amina? Less controlled
on the solo.

Lose it a bit.
Yeah.

Don't worry
about it being perfect.

Make it dirty.

I can be dirty.
I can totally be dirty.

He understood what we were.

Yeah. Cool.
Ayesha.

Yes, chef.

That second fill
into the chorus?

M-- Mm-hm?
Show-boat. It's your moment.

He knew how to get
the best out of us.

Heard. Speaking my language.

Eh. Let's go again
from the top.

It felt like
we were leveling up.

Sounding good people.

As joyful as it all was,
there was something missing.

AYESHA:
One, two, three, four!

There as a Taz-shaped hole
at the heart of the band.

But she was adamant
we take the deal.

And so... we did.

[♪♪♪]

Sure, the label could control

if and when our music
was released.

[CHEERING]

But they'd made it clear

they wanted to put
our album out ASAP.

We were zeitgeisty, apparently.
Zeitgeisty.

Although band life had entered
an exciting new phase,

Bisma still had
some work to do at home.

You okay, Mum?
Yeah, I'm okay.

You know, baby,
I was...

thinking about maybe, one day,
just going out just...

like... this.

Like, with your braids out?

Mm-hm.

But--

It isn't because
I don't love my hijab, I do,

it's just I-- I--
Mum.

I feel I need to do this.
A change.

Mum.
Like you've been doing.
But don't worry.

I'm still strong in my faith,
and I'm not any less Muslim.

It isn't about that.
It's just that--

Mum!
Yes. Sorry.

Yes, baby?

You don't have to explain to me
or to anyone.

Just do you.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

'Kay.

That's enough now.
No.

Uh-- Mum. No, Mum. Dad.
[GIGGLING]

AMINA:
While Bisma
had found resolution,

Ayesha was still torn up
after her argument with Laura.

AHSAN:
Hey.

You okay?

Laura's been stonewalling me.

[SIGHS]

She hasn't even opened
half my texts.

[SIGHS]

You okay?

I told Amina I want her.

Jeez.

I know I said be forward
but not "serial k*ller" forward.

It just came out.

[SIGHS]

I also said that Billy
was exoticizing her.

Fam.

You better than to use fancy
anthropological terms

when it comes to
matters of the heart.

[EXHALES]

[♪♪♪]

AMINA:
As for me, I was giving Billy
another shot.

He had apologized for kiss
and I-- I was less afraid.

Need help?
Uh, no. No, no.

[CHUCKLES]

What's this? Hm.

Oh, that's, uh, Ahsan's desk.
His sh*t.

Oh.

I-- Found it! Heh.

Let's get out of here.
Mm!

AMINA:
I know it looks like theft,

but it had my name on it.
So, technically, it was mine.

Yeah, look, again,
I'm so sorry--

[INHALES DEEPLY]

--that I attacked your face
with my face.

You've apologized.
It's fine, Billy. It's just--

[SIGHS]
It's cool.

Mm.

Can-- Can I--?
Can I ask you something?

Yeah. Sure.
Yeah, of course, anything.

Uh, yeah, so...

So, Ahsan said an odd thing.
He was like--

[SCOFFING]
He was like, you were
exoticizing me or something?

And I was, like,
"Ew. Go away, you cr--

You crazy... cat."

But do you know why
he would say that?

f*cking hell.
Yeah, that man is so pathetic.

He likes you,
but he doesn't have the stones

to do anything about it,

so he spends all of his time
trying to sabotage me.

It's actually kinda r*cist.

So, you didn't say anything?
No, all I said-- What--

Was that it was exciting
being with you.

Oh.

That's sweet.

AMINA:
That was sweet.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. U-- Us.
Against the world.

Uh, exciting, dangerous.

All I said was that it was
exciting being seen with you,

and he totally flipped out. Agh.

Wait, it's exciting
being with me

or it's exciting
being seen with me?

Um-- The--
Um... the second one?

The-- No, the s-- The fir--
The first one.

[INHALES SHARPLY]

What-- What's the difference?

AMINA:
sh*t.

Uh, hey, could I get another
an Earl Grey tea, please?

Amina?

Ooh! How's my rockstar?

Vexed.

Profoundly vexed.
He likes being seen with me.

Apparently,
I make him feel dangerous.

Danger-- You?

[LAUGHING]

That's good. That's really--

Okay. Hey.
I can be dangerous, okay?

The point is,
I have been made into a fetish.

What, like a foot?

Exactly. Wait, what?

I told you then,
and I'll tell you again.

He had bad juju.
Bad juju.

[SIGHS]
sh*t.

AMINA:
Ahsan had tried to warn me,
and last I spoke to him,

I told him to make like a
taxidermist and stuff himself.

Do you have anything
I can play this on?

Show me.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Hm.

AHSAN:
Hello! Ahem.

[IN DEEPER VOICE]
Hi! Thank you for tuning
in to Amina Radio.

Get ready
for a jangly good time.

An hour of back-to-back,
rootin'-tootin',

toe-tapping folk bangers
with me, Ahsan,

coming to you live, sort of,
from London's East End.

When I told Amina that there
were no Muslim folk stars,

she would be the first.

She was swift to correct me.

So, this first song
is by our man,

aka, Yusuf Islam...
Yusuf Islam.

...fka, Cat Stevens,
aka, a living legend.

Okay.

["MOONSHADOW" PLAYING]
Enjoy.

♪ Moonshadow, moonshadow ♪

♪ Leapin' and hoppin'
On a moonshadow ♪

♪ Moonshadow, moonshadow ♪

[BAND CHEERING]

So good. Amazing.
Wow!

Amazing.
Sick!

Sounded great, Bisma.

Mm!

Yeah.
Bisma's all right, is she?

Yeah, she's great.

Just noticed, she's sort of
changed her...

style.

Oh, right
the headscarf.

Mm.
She wears it
when she wants.

Great. She'll wear it again?

[SCOFFS]
Probably. You should ask her.

Yeah. No, it's just--
It's really visually striking,

you know, and really declares
what you are: Muslim punk.

Right. Yeah.

CLARICE [SUCKS TEETH]:
But I gotta make some calls.

But if you need anything,
let me know, yeah?

In the reception.
Sounding great, ladies!

Yep.
Yeah, cool.

[INHALES, SIGHS]

Anyone heard from Taz?

Mm-mm.

[ALI SETHI, ABDULLAH SIDDIQUI
& MAANU'S "LEFT RIGHT" PLAYING]

AMINA:
Taz had gone off-grid.

Back to her roots.

Back to the distant lands
from whence she came:

Birmingham.

Hey!
[GIGGLES]

Come here.

Oh!
It's okay.

[LAUGHS]

You did this when we were kids
too. You become obsessed.

Your whole existence
wraps around one thing.

Just like Nav,
all over again.

How is this anything like Nav?
[SIGHS]

Well, with Lady Parts,

you worked your arse off
and then, boom,

they drop you like it's hot.

With Nav...
you were obsessed with him.

Made him your whole life...
and where did that get you?

Yeah, those two things
aren't equivalent. Right?

Nav was a wasteman.
Mm-hm.

And Lady Parts are--

Look, I don't know, the--
The future.

Yeah, whatever.
What I'm saying is,

you give your everything
to a thing, let it define you...

then when it blows up in your
face, you're like, "What?"

You need to do you,
Momtaz.

Focus on your wellbeing.

My wellbeing.

[BOTH LAUGH]
Yes, sis!

You've been running round
looking after everyone else.

Now it's time
to look after yourself.

AMINA:
Taz's wellbeing.

What was her wellbeing?
What did she want?

I missed you.

I missed you too, sis.

Where is Nav, these days?

AMINA:
Nav. The boy
whose stash of weed

Taz had agreed
to hide in her sock drawer

all those years ago.

The boy she took the fall for
when she was 16.

He had once meant everything
to her. There he was now.

[MEN LAUGHING]

She felt nothing.

Perhaps one day the sting
of her break up with Lady Parts

would also fade into just
a pot belly and a bum crack.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

♪ My girl, big shot
Music manager mogul ♪

♪ Started from the bottom
Now we here ♪

AMINA:
But not everyone from Taz's
past was a bad memory.

And it-- I just got dropped
by my main band,

so not much
of a big shot.

Get another band.
Get ten bands.

Like, lesson one
in any business is

"Diversify
your portfolio."

[STAMMERS, LAUGHS]

Since when did you--
You become such a business head?

When I am not selling chicken,

I am doing a Master's
in Business.
Mm.

[GASPS] No sh*t! What?
Yeah. Why are you so surprised?

Like-- I'm more than just
a class clown. Please, please.

[SCOFFS]
Ah, it's good to see you.

It's so good to see you too!

Wait, you still rappin'?
No, I mean, like,

I dabble here and there,
but like--

Um, not much since school.
But yeah.

Ah, nah-- You were good in that
talent show. I remember.

Nah.
Come on. Let me hear something.

Nah, sorry, I can't.
Gimme some bars.

Nah, sorry. I can't.
I-- I took a train.

I don't got a rail card no more.
Okay.

[LAUGHS]
Yes!
[LAUGHS]

♪ Melodies, flows and rhythms
Bars and codes and -isms ♪

♪ Everything meaning
That I must be dreaming ♪

♪ And I must be sippin' on
Everything written ♪

♪ I become froze and what
I flow like water ♪

♪ I'm the daughter of ♪

♪ Everything in between
What do you mean ♪

♪ And that means a ton
The caution of ♪

♪ Identities
ab*rtion of ♪

♪ Societal patterns
I guess it just happens ♪

♪ And you want to run
For the foreman of ♪

♪ Binary flows
And linear codes ♪

♪ I guess I'm personified
By everything they try to hide ♪

♪ Flowin' between... ♪

AMINA:
There it was.

The feeling she'd had

when she first heard
Lady Parts perform.

Excitement. Belief.

This is what she needed.

Oh, that was so good!

I know. I know. I know.

[BOTH LAUGH]

♪ Kind regards, best wishes
Eat sh*t! ♪

♪ Yours truly, sincerely
This b*tch! ♪

Can I go again on that please?

Sure thing. Go for it.

♪ Kind regards, best wishes
Eat sh*t! ♪

You all right, man?
Hey.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

AMINA:
Sister Squire.

Saira's hero
in the actual, literal flesh.

Uh, no, no, no, no, no.

[MOUTHS]
Sister Squire.

What do you mean "no?"

You been harping
about Squire, for ages.

No, no-- I--
I haven't been harping. I--

MAHMOOD:
Yeah, well,
she was recording nearby,

so I thought get her in.

Come on.

Oh... okay.

Heh-heh. Yeah, cool.

Yes. Really stupid.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
I just-- I'm excited--

[FEEDBACK SQUEALS]

f*ck! Ah! Stupid!

AMINA:
Saira seemed to lose
all grace and poise

in the presence
of her idol.

Oh, my--! It's like I've--
You are my--

[SAIRA GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

AMINA:
We decided to give Saira
some alone time

to meet her hero in peace.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[SPOONS RATTLING]

sh*t.

[SIGHS]

You all right?

Uh, yes.

Um, I-- I mean, you--

[CLEARS THROAT]
Like, you, you--

[SIGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

I do this, because I saw
you do this,

and I thought,
I do this too.

I'm flattered.

You know, ah, I listen to
your vinyl on a weekly basis.

Uh, Monkey Man Dance
is a masterpiece.

Cool.

Yeah, I've, uh--

I've listened to your stuff as
well. It's-- It's all right.

You've heard our music?
Yeah. It's fun. It's a--

It's a lot of fun.

"Fun?"

Fun.

You know,
when I was your age,

I had to hide the fact
I was Muslim.

"Sister Squire?" I mean,
what the f*ck even is that?

[CHUCKLES]

They didn't want anything to do
with me, the music industry.

Years I was out there,
hustling on my own,

putting my music out,
on my own.

So, when Monkey Manbecame
a hit, no one expected that.

Then they sat up.

Finally.
Had their attention.

But when I refused
to soften my lyrics,

do that whole pretty girl,
short skirt, long hair bollocks,

they f*cked off.

But I keep on.

I still... keep on.

[CHUCKLES]

I know.

Your latest album
is next level.

And-- And-- And your voice, it's
richer than I've ever heard it.

It-- It's amazing.

Yeah, I know.

You paved the way.

You are f*cking right I did.

So, what are you
going to do with that?

What?
Look.

You are a fierce band
of Muslim women,

and you're not even
having to hide that.

You got a platform here.

A real f*cking
meaningful platform

to shine a light on anything
in the world. Anything you want.

And there's so much f*ck.

There is so much suffering,
you know?

Yeah.

And... I like your songs.

[CHUCKLES]

'Cause they're the best
kind of...

funny Muslim songs around.
But... what are you saying?

We are--

I don't know. Like--
Our songs are about us,

our experiences, day to day,
like, us-ness, you know?

Uh-- Uh, speaking our truth.

That's great. That's beautiful.

But you could talk about things.
Real things. You know?

Give a voice
to the voiceless.

Muslims are being chucked out
of their homes,

treated as second-class
citizens.

It is dark out there.

They're gonna love having you
on the posters,

but don't you let them forget
that you have got a voice.

You have got something to say.

Don't let your music be empty.

Say something real.

Guys! I bought croissants!
Fam, the R is silent.

It's literally "croissants."

Croissant! Oh--
[GASPING]

[ALL SCREAM]

Hi, everyone.

You okay, amigo?

Yeah. Yeah.

We need two more songs
to round out the album,

and I'm thinking, we've got
a platform here, right?

A voice. We've got
a chance to say something.

Be the change, to make
the change or whatever the f*ck.

So, yeah, song ideas,
a first bash.

Saira, we--
We-- We-- We can't--

This-- This is-- It's-- Uh--

What?
Political.

Uh, yeah, we're political.

Yeah, uh, but we're political

in a jokey, winky way.

This is-- This is explicit.
This is on the nose.

We're more nose-adjacent,
right?

BISMA & AYESHA:
Right.

Yeah, Muslims the world over
are being m*rder*d,

kicked out of their homes,
stripped of their citizenship,

and we're, what?
Writing songs about self-care?

Wow, wow. Okay.
"Villain Era" is a banger.

Uh, yes, yes it is. I know.
I'm just saying.

Think, we could shine a light
on any of these issues.

Be the mouthpiece
for something real.

We are
something real.

Yes, but something "real" real.

You want us to use other's
suffering to make us real?

Saira. You presenting us
with a list of Muslim suffering

and saying, "Pick an atrocity,
any atrocity,

and write about that,"
that-- That doesn't feel real.

No, no!
That's not what I'm doing.

We have a platform,

a real meaningful
f*cking platform,

a chance to talk about something
that needs our attention.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

What did Squire say to you?

Nothing. That she liked our
music. Nothing.

Saira, some of these issues.
I-- I-- I-- I don't know.

Maybe we should be amplifying
other voices, you know?

Not-- It-- Heh.
It's not our lived experience.

Amina, we're artists.

We're not confined
by our lived experience.

Come on. Don't you all
agree this stuff?

What is happening right now
is f*cking horrendous.

Or maybe you don't.

Oh, come on!
No sh*t, man.

BISMA:
Saira, don't bait us.

You know we think
it's horrendous.

I mean, I-- I'm the one
who tells you about half of it.

Well, then why don't we
write about it?

Do you think the label

is going to go for
something like this?

Ah, ah. There's the truth.
You're scared of the label.

Yeah, man. Yeah, I am!
'Cause guess what?

I like that we get to record
our music properly

and that we're going on tour
and we're gonna do Glastonbury.

Oh, yeah. You like the comfy
chairs and the nice studio.

I do like the comfy chairs
and the nice studio, Saira!

And I do like the fact
that we get paid!

I'm sorry if that makes me a
morally inferior person to you,

or whatever the hell, but f*ck,
man, if we write this,

if we really write this, I'm--
I'm worried that we're gonna--

Oh, you worry?
We're a punk band.

Punk! Punk is about
fighting the power.

Don't you f*cking tell me
what punk is or I swear to God

I will ram this up your arse.

We just signed a deal with
a massive American corporation.

How punk are we though,
really?

I'm just saying.

I just think this
could be cool for us.

Get real. And not just
funny Muslim song,

after funny Muslim song,
after funny Muslim song.

Oi, f*ck you!

f*ck you!

It's not just
a funny Muslim song.

We're writing about
what's true to us,

and, yeah, we're being
really f*cking witty about it.

Everyone. A breath.

Saira, don't-- Don't you see,
weare political.

Just by existing,
just by taking up this space,

we are political.

And don't you think
it's important we succeed?

So that other people
who look like us

might believe that it
can happen to them too?

Because...
if we write something too--

[SIGHS]
I don't know, man,

we might not even
make it out the gate.

We'll be dead
in the water.

You don't know that.

You don't know that.

I-- I just think you're
all being a bit alarmist.

Nah, mate.

You're being cavalier.

[SIGHS]

I'm gonna talk to Clarice.

Sai--

[DOOR SLAMS]

How can I put this?

Absolutely f*cking not.

[SCOFFS]
Why not?

[SIGHS]
The reason you guys
are an incredible band

is because you bring people
together with humor, you know?

With, uh, joy.
Uh, you're a positive band,

spreading good cheer.
You write these great, catchy--

Funny Muslim songs?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, great, but maybe just
a couple songs on the album

could be a little more just--
Serious, about what's going on.

Uh... there's no "atrocity
bangers" playlist you can be on.

[SCOFFS]
You know, know,
I-- I mean, if anything,

the streamers will get spooked
and ban it

if it's too polarizing.

Saira. I believe in you guys.
I want you to succeed.

I'm saying this because,
yeah, the label feels great

that they've signed you, uh--

[SCOFFS]
We're their diversity hire.

Yeah, they feel like
they did a good thing.

Brownie points
from Jesus, whatever.

I know how excellent you are,

and I'm gonna show them
and the world

that are not a diversity hire,

you are the next big
f*cking thing.

Yeah, but if you carry on
writing this,

yeah, and the label gets whiff
that their nice Muslim band

is writing stuff that, you know,
could bring them heat,

unwanted negative attention,
criticism,

then they could muzzle you,

hold the album hostage,
and ultimately drop you.

It'll be 10 years before you get
the rights to your songs back,

and there'll be nothing
I can do to protect you.

[SIGHS]

AMINA:
Despite Clarice's warnings,

Sister Squire's words
weighed heavy on Saira.

Hm.

[SIGHS]

♪ I could be your puppet ♪

♪ Mouthpiece
Window-dressing bae ♪

♪ Here's a funny Muslim song ♪

♪ 'Cause I got
Nothing real to say ♪

♪ It's like Death and the Maiden
Dancing with my corporation ♪

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[SOUND SILENCED]

[GASPS SOFTLY]

♪ It's like Death and the Maiden
Dancing with my corporation ♪

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[SILENCED]

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

♪ I won't mention the w-- ♪

[CENSOR FEEDBACK HUMS]

f*ck.

[BREATHING SHAKILY]

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

f*ck.

[CENSOR FEEDBACK HUMMING]

Agh! Ahem.

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[CENSOR FEEDBACK HUMS]

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[DISTORTED PANTING]

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[CENSOR FEEDBACK HUMS]
[DISTORTED GASPING]

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

♪ I won't mention the-- ♪

[CENSORED SCREAM]

[RASHA NAHAS' "NBEED" PLAYING]

[SINGING IN ARABIC]