01x03 - Catfish

[bunniefuu]

So you "You up?"

- ed Dylan online a couple of times.

MADDIE: Guys, he's been online

and he hasn't replied.

He's an actual psychopath.

What are you guys up to?

Submarine!

It's when we block out

all the light and

Take all the drugs, and everyone

has to guess what time it is

before we check if the sun is up.

I feel great!

I feel very good.

20-something Maddie was fun.

This Maddie is disinfecting bears

and writing lists.

How's your divorce?

Well, I signed up to Bumble,

Hinge, and OkCupid.

OK, I think you need to tell Rob

how you're feeling.

But I don't know how I'm feeling.

Right now, now

Now

Right now

Soon the Earth

may dissolve like smoke

We'll meet again in the air

All bound to glow

Now

Now

Right now

Now

Right ♪

RECORDING: Did you know

Centrelink

This is my fourth try

at getting onto Centrelink today.

I mean, it's meant

to be easier at night!

Can you ask them why the people

on the disability pension

don't get the COVID payment?

By the time I get through,

I'll be ON the pension payment.

Speaking of arseholes

that don't answer,

did you hear back from Dylan?

Uh, no. Nothing.

Totally ghosted.

Farewell, the ghost

of boyfriends past.

Oh! Didn't pick you

as a Dickens fan.

Well, after iso, I'd do anything

for a good Dickens.

(LAUGHS)

(GROANS, LAUGHS)

I mean, I'm serious!

I've got a major corona b*ner.

Hey!

Rams has been c*ck by COVID.

Oh, Just up your

daily masturbation routine.

Use the time, explore your own body.

Thanks, Rob. Will do.

Hey, I've gotta

go to the office, fix a bug.

Back in an hour?

Totally fine.

Uh, what about Maya?

Oh. She's just fallen asleep.

So just watch the volume,

'cause if Maya wakes up, you're

never gonna get her back to sleep.

Oh, I'll give her

a glass of red. That'll work.

No!

Go for straight vodka.

(LAUGHS)

OK. Love ya.

Bye.

Bye, Rob.

h*! Rob's dropped the L-b*mb!

Take cover, Maddie!

Don't, Rams.

Look at you with your

little pop-up family.

Just add COVID and stir.

(GASPS)

Whoa-hoa!

Glam! Bam! Thank you, ma'am!

(CHUCKLES)

Bow-chicka-wow-wow!

Mama lookin' hot tonight!

To what do we owe

this viewing pleasure?

I've got a date.

And our girl is back in the game!

It's it's just a Zoom date -

which is a good thing, because

it's been a long time since

..I've done, uh, um sex.

And But it's also a bad thing

'cause it's a long time

since I've done sex. Ugh.

Yeah, well, can have

heaps of fun onscreen.

Yeah. Like a little mastur-date.

Or a screen queen.

A what what?

Oh, it's when he puts his face

right up to the screen

and then you put your pelvis

right up to the screen

and you move back and forth

like this.

Yeah, yeah. OK. Put it away.

And there goes my corona b*ner.

It's just a

Um

..helpful little demonstration.

I think I'll just start

with some awkward small talk.

Is this the first date since?

Mm.

Oh, f*ck f*cked off

with f*ck? Yes.

Well there's egg

all over that f*ck,

because you are looking fierce.

OK. Um, should I go jacket on, or

..jacket off?

Hmm.

Little nakey, but I kinda like it.

Yeah. Keep jacket on

and then, when you wanna

take things up a notch, jacket off.

OK. Got it.

So, who is this lucky person?

Um, his name's Alan,

and he's a vet, and he's

..HOT.

Like, I thought he was

really out of my league,

but he responded to my messages

like, straightaway.

OK. Well, I would like

to vet this vet.

Oh, my God, yes. Pics, please.

Oh. Um, I've only got one.

Let's see it.

Oh! He's fully hot.

And the corona b*ner returns!

That vet could put a collar on me

and stick his finger

RIGHT up my bum.

No, is someone else getting

major catfish energy?

Catfish energy?

He loves eating rubbish in rivers.

Yeah, yeah.

It's someone who pretends

to be someone else online.

Yeah. They post a photo,

a hot photo, that isn't them,

and then they don't show up

or they hide their face.

Oh, God. You didn't give him

any money, did you?

Uh, yeah. Just all my bank details.

No, I'm serious! Iz!

No-one is this hot!

God. Not Especially

someone called Alan.

Yeah. Has there ever been

a hot Alan?

Oh, Alan Rickman.

Too dead.

Alain de Botton?

Too bald.

(GASPS) Alan Alda!

Yeah.

Ugh! Too old!

No. Alan Alda is certified Hot Alan.

Mm-hm.

OK, anyone who thinks Alan Alda

is hot SHOULD be certified.

OK, well, I have found

the one hot Alan.

(CHUCKLES)

OK.

So, I just did a reverse

image search of this "Alan's" photo.

Nothing.

But that that's a good thing,

though, right?

No. It is a bad thing. OK?

What kind of weird

30-something-year-old

has no social media presence?

This is textbook catfish, babe.

Yeah, but what if he's not,

and then I miss out on

..Hot Alan?

Sorry - risk outweighs reward.

No, no, no. Just ask him

to swing by the bar

and if he's a catfish,

Sophie will catch him.

Yes. And I will gut him

and I will scale him.

Mm-hm.

And if he's not, we shall be charming

friends and make you look great,

and then you can go off and do a sex.

OK. How about

"Hey, Alan, wanna swing by the bar?"

Perfect.

Very casual.

OK.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh my God. What is this?

What?

SONG: I'm feeling mighty fine

This.

And I'm sipping my juice box ♪

OK. MaydayMaya, huh?

That'll werk!

(CHUCKLES)

Does Rob let Maya post online?

Uh I may have taught her

how to TikTok dance.

Someone's trying to be the cool mum.

OK, she just posted this now.

How do I get her to go to sleep?

Huh. Have you tried

a sleepy-time drink?

Sounds kinda ill*gal. (CHUCKLES)

No, like warm milk

or cocoa or herbal tea.

And stay calm, because

kids, they can sense fear

and they exploit it.

I will not be exploited. (CHUCKLES)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh!

Alan's coming!

(ALL GASP)

Yes! I cannot wait to meet "Alan".

Yeah, OK, I can't miss this.

I'm gonna go put her to sleep

and I'm gonna come straight back.

Yeah?

OK. Good luck, babe.

Stay strong.

No retreat, no surrender.

(SIGHS)

Oh, the wine! (GRUNTS)

My sleepy-time drink.

If systematic oppression

doesn't k*ll you,

the shitty Centrelink

hold music will.

(CHUCKLES)

She's out like a light.

Oh. That was quick.

I told her she could watch

Dirty Dancing in the morning.

What? Dirty Dancing?

Isn't she eight?

It's her favourite film.

Well, since when?

Since I showed it to her.

Uh, rookie mistake, girlfriend.

You never negotiate with a child.

I am teaching her

important bargaining skills.

You're bribing her.

Incentivising.

It's your funeral.

OK, we just have

different parenting styles.

Yeah. And Maddie's style

is not being a parent.

(LAUGHS)

Why can't kids just stay up?

In my family, it didn't matter

what time we went to bed.

Yeah, but kids need

a regular sleep routine.

Ah. And where'd you learn that -

white-arse mothers' group?

Ha-ha!

h*-h*!

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Actually, speaking of, um of kids,

can no-one mention Arlo to Alan?

I just I didn't put him

in my profile

because I didn't wanna

freak anyone out.

That is totally fair.

That's a second-date reveal.

But maybe you wanna remove

Llamy and Giraffey

from the back of your bed?

Oh!

(SIGHS)

(COMPUTER PINGS)

ALAN: Hello? Isabel?

Can you hear me?

I think my camera isn't working.

Oh, hey!

Um, yeah, there should be

a camera icon down the bottom.

I tried that. Sorry. It's just

probably my dodgy internet.

Yeah, something's definitely dodgy.

Sorry?

Um, so, Alan. You're a vet?

Yep. Just started my own practice.

Yeah. So, I've got this

sick catfish, and, um

Actually, you know what? I'm just

gonna log off and log back in.

Maybe that'll fix it. I'll be back.

Call Nev Schulman!

I should be the next host

of Catfish.

You just cut

that fish's head right off!

I I think he'll be back.

Oh, nah. Babe, he's not coming back.

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey. Sorry.

Um, so, you're Isabel,

and this is the group.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Yeah. Hi. (CHUCKLES)

Um, yeah. So, this is Maddie,

Ramsay and, um, Sophie.

And, um, who had the sick catfish?

Uh, that was Sophie. Yeah.

Oh. Is it blue, channel or flathead?

Oh. Um It's Can't remember.

Well, blue is blue, uh, channel

is grey, and flathead is mottled.

Uh, it's, uh it's grey ish.

And where did it come from?

Yeah, Soph, where did it come from?

A shop.

No, sorry - which part of Australia?

Oh, I, um Well, uh,

we'd have to ask the shop.

Actually, you know what? Just get

the fish and I can take a look.

Oh, no! He's sleeping!

Uh, really?

Um, channel catfish are nocturnal.

Oh. At my friend's house. Yeah.

Your catfish is having a sleepover

at someone else's house?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought

it'd be just a great idea

just for her to um, him,

to get out of the house.

You know? Gosh, he's been SO sick.

Uh, so, Alan, now you've met

my hilarious friends, um

..should we hea

uh, head off alone together?

It's OK. I know that

she thought I was a catfish.

OK, cancel that call

to Nev Schulman then.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

Really? You knew?

Yeah. I mean, I live on this planet.

(LAUGHS)

Uh, I'm so sorry. I think Sophie

was just looking out for me.

Yes. It's very hard

to trust people online.

It's fine.

I mean, as a group,

you need to be very careful

about who you invite in.

Mm.

Hello, friendos!

Case in point.

Dylan.

RAMSAY: The ghost who walks!

Alan, this is Dylan, Maddie's ex.

Or I mean, it was

a couple of years ago, so

When do you stop

calling someone an ex?

There should be a statute

of limitations, right?

Well, you are the lawyer, Izzy.

Oh, you're a lawyer? Amazing.

Mm. And Dylan, this is Hot Alan.

Let's just go with Alan.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Yeah, so, the restaurant's

shut down.

And so I'm all alone

and I am as bored as f*ck.

Alan, have you ever been to London?

Yeah, in my early 20s.

Um, it was a great scene.

Oh, my God.

Maddie, what is this house?

She lives on the set

of Boogie Nights now.

Gawd.

Um, it's Rob's house.

Oh, OK.

And has Rob trapped you in a whisky

commercial at the Dubai airport?

(RAMSAY SNIGGERS)

No.

He's the guy I'm isolating with.

Ah.

Right.

SOPHIE: I'm done.

Woman down!

(GROANS)

ALAN: Oh

Oh. She she's got dysautonomia.

Yeah. Solange, Beyonce's sister,

had it. And the sick Wiggle.

HAS it. Not had it.

Uh So, Alan, should we get going?

No. I'm really digging your friends.

(LAUGHS) Oh. Are you on a date?

What happened to, um, Marco?

Uh, he's dead.

Oh, sh*t. I am I am so

He died?

He's dead to us.

Um, yeah. No, we broke up.

A long time ago.

Yeah, right. What happened?

Oh. Um

We just wanted

wanted different things.

Yeah. And Marco really wanted

to bang his assistant.

MADDIE: Client.

Guys, I'm just gonna

go and lie down.

Um, Alan, I'm so sorry

about the catfish thing.

Feel better.

So, wait - what happened

What about Artie?

Or no. Hold on. Was it Archie?

(FAKE COUGHS) You mean

you mean Arnold.

Arnold. One of her other exes.

(CHUCKLES)

No. No. No. Your kid.

What what was his name?

Read the room, Dylan!

Oh, you've got a kid, Isabel?

Oh! Yep.

Sorry.

Oh

Yeah. Uh (SIGHS)

Um, I just didn't

I didn't put him in my, um, profile.

I didn't wanna freak anyone out

with the whole single mum thing.

Um, don't apologise.

I was raised by a single mum.

Oh. Well, um

His name's Arlo, and he's three.

Well, I think he's lucky

to have such a great mum.

(CHUCKLES) Aww, thanks. (LAUGHS)

And Alan goes from catfish

to catch of the day!

Tick.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

sh*t! Maya's awake.

Maya, are you alright?

Who's Maya?

It's Maddie's nightmare.

Um, it's, uh, Rob's daughter.

What are you doing still awake?

MAYA: I wanna make another video.

(BEDSPRINGS CREAK)

And this time

I'm gonna flip off the bed.

Uh

Ugh. Don't cave in, Maddie.

OK, I'll film you doing one flip,

if you promise to go to sleep.

Deal!

Sorry - what's she doing?

Incentivising.

I I wouldn't do that

if I were you, Mads.

That's a deal with the devil.

Which one's the devil?

(MAYA GIGGLES)

(THUD!)

Maya!

(MAYA WAILS)

Maya, are you OK? Maya! Maya!

(WAILS)

It's OK, honey. It's just

a a little bit of blood.

(WAILS)

It's, um, a minor head thing.

Uh Do you know

what fixes sore heads?

(WAILS)

(CHUCKLES) Ice-cream!

OK, I would've

gone with Panadol, but

Tramadol. Better.

(MAYA WHIMPERS)

Uh, Maddie, is she OK?

Yeah, I think so. Um

OK.

Well, seriously, I wouldn't

give her ice-cream -

she'll be tweaking

like a speed freak.

(CHUCKLES FORCEDLY)

So, um, like, how how do you know

if a young kid's, like,

got a concussion?

Um Well, is she dizzy?

Is she vomiting?

Oh. Does she have blurry vision?

No, she seems fine.

She's just got a bump on her head.

Oh, bumps are actually good -

it means there's no internal damage.

Yeah. Just get some frozen peas.

OK.

Uh, how many do I feed her?

(CHUCKLES) Um, no. You just put them

on her head for a little bit.

She'll be totally fine.

RECORDING: Your call is important

RAMSAY: m*therf*cker!

Sorry?

Centrelink just told me my call was

important to them for like the

So, we've been up all night

and at this point

we're, like, off our dials

and Dylan makes us go up on

the roof to check the sunrise.

(LAUGHS)

I didn't MAKE you do anything.

No, you did.

And we get up there,

and two minutes later, right -

crash!

- We fall through the frickin' roof.

We're Like,

we're in the kitchen now.

There's, like, plaster,

roof tiles, everywhere.

And two minutes later,

Dylan's like

"Do you reckon

we'll get our bond back?"

Yeah. Far out.

Oh, man. I made so many

mistakes back then. Wild.

Oh, we all did, Dyldo.

That ain't cool.

I didn't mean it like that.

Have you guys always been

into the lifestyle?

Well

Uh, well, I

Yeah, we've been friends

for a long time

and we used to

party and stuff, yeah.

But you always come back

to the group.

Yeah.

Yeah. I've been overseas

for a while, but yes.

Yeah, Dylan abandoned us

a couple of years ago. (CHUCKLES)

So, uh, Alan, do you want to?

Wow! Isabel.

Quite the, uh, wardrobe change.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, I just thought it was time

to jacket off. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Jack it off?

Yeah.

Jacket off!

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Right now?

Yeah, right now. (CHUCKLES)

And what about all your friends?

Oh, don't mind us.

Yep. I think they're really into it.

Oh, I would not go

I wouldn't go that far.

OK. Um, so, let's go. (CHUCKLES)

Yep. I (UNZIPS FLY)

(BELT RATTLES)

Yeah.

Uh, are you are you coming, Alan?

Oh. Yeah. Um

Just just give me a moment.

OK.

(RHYTHMIC RUBBING)

(SIGHS)

Oh

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Um, what are what are

What are you doing?

Mmm.

MADDIE: Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

This has made my morning!

(LAUGHS) Looks like someone else

has a corona b*ner!

MADDIE: Oh, my God!

f*ck me!

Yeah, I'd love to.

Mm!

Oh, perfect timing, Soph!

Um Sorry, Alan.

What what the f*ck are you doing?

(DYLAN LAUGHS)

(SOPHIE CHUCKLES)

What's wrong?

Um, a few things.

(DYLAN CHUCKLES)

I thought you said

you were down to play.

Down to play?

Uh into group sex?

Uh, not that. Not that.

What did you think this was?

You texted and said,

"Swing by and meet my friends".

Oh (STAMMERS)

Maddie told me to write that!

I didn't know he was a sex pest!

Hey! No kink-shaming in the bar.

Se sex pest?!

We met on Lifestyle Lovers,

and you ticked 'indoor sports'.

Yeah. I play indoor soccer.

'Indoor sports' means

having sex with lots of people.

(RAMSAY AND DYLAN LAUGH)

Oh I am I am so sorry.

The online dating thing -

it's really new to me.

Um, this is this is all wrong.

Just, like, complete shambles.

I should just go. Uh

DYLAN: God! (LAUGHS)

So, uh

..your profile didn't say

you had a kid,

but you DID say

you're into group sex.

Oh, my God. So, wait.

Oh, boo.

So this means that

You catfished Alan.

Oh, my God.

No. Babe. Babe.

It was your first date.

And everyone knows the first pancake

is always the worst pancake.

Yeah, although most pancakes

don't wank off in front

of all the other pancakes.

(OTHERS LAUGH)

OK, I'm just

I think I I gotta go and, like,

have a shower, or cry, or, like

..I think I've gotta go

cry in the shower.

I'm gonna go.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go too.

I think the night's reached

its, um

cl*max?

Yeah, natural conclusion. Bye.

(LAUGHS)

Whew!

(SIGHS THEATRICALLY)

That was wild.

Ah!

Not as wild as you looking after

a kid, though, Madhuri.

Well, she had three years

of looking after you.

Uh, I'm not having a go.

It's just, um you always said

you never wanted to have a kid.

I don't.

I didn't. I

Who does?

I'd love a little Ram-Ram.

Yeah. Uh, you said that kids

were "life-sucking parasites".

I don't know what you're

trying to say, Dylan.

No, it's just that you never said

that you'd moved in with Rob.

Or that you have a kid.

I don't have a kid - I'm looking

after someone else's kid.

Why do you even care?

(PHONE LINE RINGS)

Oh! My God! It's ringing!

It just comes as a surprise that

Certainly after all the

..you know, the the messages

you sent the other night.

Oh, all those messages

that you didn't respond to?

Yeah. Well, obviously, there's

a lot going on at the moment,

and this whole corona thing

has, like

..like, thrown me.

(CHUCKLES) You know,

only you could make

a global pandemic just about you.

Yeah, OK. It's, uh

It's complicated, OK?

(TUTS)

It's always complicated with you,

isn't it, Dylan?

(SIGHS) Well

Who's Dylan?

Uh no-one, darling.

Go back to sleep.

What's on her head?

Uh frozen chips.

I couldn't find any peas.

(LAUGHS)

f*ck!

f*cking Centrelink f*ck

cut me the f*ck off!

OK, darling, um, I think you need

to just, uh, log off now.

Just just Yes.

Just put the phone away.

No.

Uh, please don't make me

come in there.

I want Dad to put me to sleep.

I know, honey, but daddy's

not here right now.

Uh, Maya, would you like to see

a a magic trick?

OK. So, if I do a magic trick,

do you promise to go to sleep?

Promise.

You promise?

Promise!

OK.

Good. Alright.

Wait - where where's it gone?

Wait. Hang on a sec.

Um, could could I please

have a look at your your ear?

Could you just quickly

come to the screen?

There Wait.

It was here the whole time.

It was just

It was behind your ear.

(CHUCKLES) OK.

Time for sleep.

Sleep beautifully,

and nighty noodles.

Ladies and gentleman,

the amazing Dylan Copperfield!

If only he could

make himself disappear.

Oh, come on. That was pretty good.

Hey, Maddie.

Hey!

How was the night?

Oh, it was pretty quiet, actually.

Everything OK with Maya?

Yeah. She woke up, but

I got her to go back to sleep.

Really?

She's never let anyone put her

to sleep except me or her mum.

How'd you do it?

Um

Ma magic. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I think you're pretty magical.

Yeah.

Yeah, she is.

Um

(PACKET RUSTLES)

Why has Maya got a pack of chips

strapped to her head?

(SNORTS)

Pay up, pay up,

'cause I earned it

If you don't make sense

then you pretty worthless

Yeah, I got a gala

And a dream with the circuit

Used to wait tables

Now I give better service

Don't know what to do,

so I think I got you shook

I'm lookin' so good

That I wish a would

Drip, drip, drop,

drip, drip, drip, drop

Party's goin' pop

till the caps come out

One, two, three, four

Five, six shots

Hands in the air

Like you listenin' to rock.