01x03 - S**tty Guy Party

[bunniefuu]

(SOFT MUSIC)

Yes, okay, perfect.

That looks really good.

Do you have wine or anything

that's not Piss Stinger?

No, sorry.

It's just, it's only guys at this party.

I've invited every dude that I've

macked with in the last month,

so I don't have to go

on individual dates.

Genius.

You have Runk, right?

It's the dating app for

rude hunks who smell rank.

Rachel, I've dated guys

from Runk before, okay?

They suck.

They're appalling.

Appalling in the way where

they can justify the fact

that they're constantly cheating on you.

That's amazing.

No, it sucks.

Trust me, okay?

I've got the energy of a third.

The energy of a third?

Couples see me and

they lose their minds.

That's amazing.

I swear, I'm going to meet

one guy tonight at this party

who doesn't already have a girlfriend.

Pass.

What? If I date a shitty

guy and things go poorly,

it's not my fault and then

I never have to look inward.

Rachel?

Oh, they're here.

Thank God, I was about to look inward.

You saw that. It was, whew, very close.

It might be good if you give it a shot.

Coming, (LAUGHS) coming, coming, coming.

(DANCE MUSIC)

- Hey, welcome.

- This place is lit.

(DANCE MUSIC)

- Nice.

- This place is a dump.

My roommates are gone for the week,

if you wanted to take a

two and a half hour bust

to my place in Astoria and

jerk me off on my couch,

- that'd be really dope. Yeah?

- Yeah

- That sounds good?

- No.

No?

Well, what type of couch are we talking?

A barker, sectional,

loveseat, chaise lounge?

It's a nice futon.

I got it from a dumpster

behind this middle school,

I'm f*cking this lady

whose kids go there

and she always tells me when

there's cool stuff in the dumpster.

Well listen, that's none of my business.

Yeah, I guess I'm free this weekend.

Sweet, I'll tell my girlfriend.

Oh wait, no. No, I'm sorry, I'm

not doing girlfriends right now.

Oh no, wait. Hey, no, no, wait.

Sure, I defrauded a

small Nicaraguan village

and drove them to ruin. But also,

exercised my right as

an American to feel free.

Totally, that's so cool.

Hi, excuse me.

- Can I talk to her for a second?

- Who?

- Me.

- Oh you, yeah, whatever.

Dude, mission abort. He's got a wife.

I am not ab*rtion this mission

or even giving it up for adoption.

Also, how do you even

know that he's married?

I can sense these things.

Also, his incredibly large

wedding ring, real big.

Hey, not sorry to interrupt,

but me and my hot b*tch wife,

we're looking to spice

things up in the bedroom.

And there's something

about you specifically

that is so projectable.

Thank you, I do get that a lot.

Hey, I'm the hot b*tch wife.

- Oh, my God.

- And I make him call me that.

- And we're so into you.

- Oh my God, you're very hot.

But unfortunately right now,

- I'm not in a position risk this.

- No, no, no, it's perfect.

- What? How?

- I mean, not only is he in a relationship

He's married, he's

married, he's fully married.

- Yeah, I'm the hot b*tch wife.

- I'm lucky.

He doesn't even like me, he

likes you, my best friend,

so no matter how hard I try,

it's not going to work out

because of him and you and her, not me.

- Yeah.

- And that is another six months of my life

that I do not have to examine

my issues with relationships.

- Rachel.

- Please, please, please do it for me.

Listen, if you don't do

it for me, do it for her.

What, no.

No, I don't want to do it.

- Do it for me, I'm hot.

- I know that you're hot.

- I respect the fact that you're hot.

- Thank you.

- Please just date him.

- You should.

Rachel, I can't the things I've seen.

(GHOSTLY VOICE MALE) Hey, baby.

(GHOSTLY VOICE FEMALE) I miss you.

(GHOSTLY VOICE MALE)

Hey, sweetie. You are so beautiful.

(GHOSTLY VOICE FEMALE)

Where are you going?

- (GHOSTLY VOICE MALE) Get back here.

- Okay.

- What?

- Your loss.

I was going to project a

whole bunch of things onto you.

- Like what?

- You made a big mistake, buddy.

If for some reason you're

to change your mind,

hit me up, this is my business card.

- Wait.

- Nope.

- Bye.

- Gotta go.

Why does your number say 911?

(HUSBAND) I'm an undercover cop.

Yo, can y'all shut up?

We're trying to record

a podcast over here.

We just found out we have

a natural rhythm together.

And now we have a fan

base of thousands of dudes

and if we don't record for

them right now, they'll die.

That's so cool. Do

you need a first guest?

Shut up, this is a podcast

for men, and they need this.

- Yeah, get out.

- You know what?

You can't kick me out.

This is my father's apartment

that I live in rent free.

Not anymore.

Fine. Io, let's go.

- (IO) What?

- Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.

Yeah, get into it.

Seriously though, I feel like there's

not a space for men to talk about

- the reality of how raw our emotions are.

- I've been telling you that.

- I was telling you that, remember?

- (PODCAST INTERVIEWEE) Can I be real?

- (PODCAST INTERVIEWER) Please.

- I'm a guys' girl.

- Yeah.

- Girls are annoying.

- I heard that.

- I want to hang out with my boys.

(CHEERING)

(SCREAMS)

(ROCK MUSIC)