01x06 - Everybody's Talking About Doctor Uncle

[bunniefuu]

Oh, don't eat that
oatmeal. It's for Arty.

What, your brother's
gonna eat all 28 packs?

No, it's not for eating.

It's for taking an oatmeal bath.

His dermatitis is flaring up.

Then why'd you get
strawberries and cream?

I don't know. He's my brother.
I wanted to treat him nice.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Don't eat that.

It's for your uncle's naked, rashy body.

Doctor Uncle has such sensitive skin.

You know, I don't understand

why we have to call
him doctor and uncle.

He's a physical therapist.

Physical therapist to the stars.

One time F. Murray Abraham
came in for a bum shoulder.

One time.

Meanwhile, they're very close.

He has photos of him
all over his office.

Yeah, but, Mom, they're all
copies of the same picture.

It's weird. It makes
it seem like they were

only together one time, which they were.

Well, I put a few up in his room

just so that he feels more comfortable.

You know, as comfortable as he
could feel with that dermatitis.

It's funny.

I don't ever remember Uncle Art
not having a skin infection.

Let me tell you, I love your uncle.

He's great at what he does.

I mean, F. Murray, you can't top that.

But every time he visits us,

he takes over your mother's life.

I barely get a chance to see her.

That actually sounds kind of amazing.

It's so frustrating. He's in my house,

yet I'm the one who feels like a guest.

You're at my house, and
both of you will be guests.

And eight days is way too
long, even for family.

If you think that's long,
try eight months.

There's such a thing called
wearing out your welcome.

Anyway, there's no more room on the DVR,

so I deleted all your shows.

Good news!

We've got "Jeopardies!" to watch!

Why are there pictures of
the guy from "Homeland"

in our guest room?

F. Murray Abraham?

That's my Uncle Art's best friend

who he's only met one time and
sold a weird seat cushion to.

Oh, David!

Doctor Uncle is coming in tomorrow

at 9:15 at the airport.

I told him that you would pick him up.

You know what, why doesn't Joanna do it?

- Oh?
- You know,

she has that special
bond with Doctor Uncle.

- She does?
- Oh!

You're such a good brother.

Oh, she's gonna be so happy.

I'll call her right now.

Uh, what was that shady little move?

Getting Joanna to do your dirty work?

- Oh, Mama like it?
- No, Mama don't, Papa.

It's called little sistering,

and, yeah, I just little
sistered Joanna good.

Seriously? You can't
treat Joanna like that.

Babe, it's the way of the world.

Older siblings have been pawning stuff

they don't want to do
off on younger siblings

for generations.

I guess being an only child,

I had no idea these kind
of things happened.

Oh, yeah, that's the best part

- of being an older sibling.
- Oh.

You know, that, and you don't grow up

to some self-obsessed weirdo

who's living in their own bubble.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

No offense. Love you!

Love you.

♪ ♪

Oh, hi, Rebecca!

I have a favor to ask you.

Pretend you don't speak English.

My friend, Carol Bishop's,
daughter, Lori,

just moved into town, and
she doesn't have any friends.

So I thought that you could
have lunch with her.

Fun, right?

Deb, I never get to have lunch
with the friends I already have.

So your schedule is clear.
Oh, thank you, Rebecca!

STEW: Hey, Deb.

- Oh, yeah?
- I-I just got a text.

Arty's on his way. Joanna's driving him?

- Yeah, so?
- Well, you know how much I love

driving to the airport.

Why would you squander my gift?

Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Well, maybe you could take him
back for the return flight.

Oh, the return flight run.

Huh, the b*stard cousin
of the airport pickup.

It's okay.

Just make the best of the
cards you're dealt, Stewie.

Mwah, love you.

Oh, Rebecca, I'll text
you Lori's number.

Fun fact, she went to
Northwestern, and she's 37.

How is that a fun fact?

My mom doesn't know what
that expression means.

The other day she called me and said,

"Fun fact, my friend Lisa
has early-onset dementia."

That's not a fun fact.
That's just sad news.

I can't believe I have to
have lunch with a person

I don't know just so she can
get credit with some Carol.

Yeah, well, that's my mom's thing.

She's always volunteering her family

to do annoying favors for her.

It's called being "Mominated."

I don't want to be Mominated.

I want to watch "Housewives"
and eat that strawberry oatmeal

I've been eyeing in the cabinet.

The good new is my mom
is actually thinking of you

as part of the family.

I thought I already was
part of the family.

Well, if you don't want to be Mominated,

just little sister Joanna.

That's how I got out of picking
up Art from the airport.

I'd say 75% of my little sistering

comes after I've been Mominated.

I couldn't do that.
She's not my little sister.

Yes, she is, through marriage.
You've been grandfathered in.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello, family!

Arty, how are you?

Oh, I couldn't be worse.

Traffic was terrible. Don't
get me started on the flight.

I'm 10 minutes into watching
"The Shape of Water,"

when the flight attendant
comes on the loudspeaker,

"Is there a physical
therapist in the house?"

Somebody's back was cramping up.

It happens all the time now,

seats being so close
together like they are.

Well, I didn't open my mouth.

I mean, who needs that liability?

Hey! Need a hand with these bags?

Yeah, maybe with this heavy one.

Uncle Art said it's filled
with 5-pound dumbbells

and canned peaches because
he has a hard time

finding his favorite brand.

Thanks, Beccs.

Anything for my little sis.

Aw! You've never called me that before.

We are sisses!

Should we come up with, like, a song

or get traveling pants?

I don't know how this works.

We'll learn together.

But in the meantime,

I have a really cool
opportunity for you.

There's this girl I know
who you would absolutely

be best friends with.

Huh.

You know, I just realized,

she's actually the daughter
of one of your mom's friends.

I think you two are really
going to hit it off.

I'll text you the number.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

- Well, thanks, sis.
- Oh, yeah.

I'm the best.

Okay. You want to grab
the other end of this...

Rebecca?

Oh, Arty, it's so great
to have you here.

Well, you might be
seeing a lot more of me

because I'm expanding my
physical therapy practice

to right here in Stamford.

Isn't that exciting?

C-Can you look at my elbow?

I'm sorry. I'm not on the
clock right now, Joanna.

All right. I've got to go
look at office spaces.

Deb, do you have those listings for me?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I found at least 40 or so,

but that's just one neighborhood.

We can even go now if you want to.

Oh, that's perfect. Okay.

Give me a minute. I'm
just gonna go upstairs,

crack open a can of peaches,
and scratch myself.

Deb, I thought you were
gonna come with me

to Sharper Image today and
pretend to shop for an hour

while I sit in the massage chair.

Sweetie, can't we do that tomorrow?

Sure.

I need her help, too, you know.

Come on, Arty. We're leaving.

David, you should come with us
and look at the office space.

Give us your expert opinion.

As much as I'd love to look at
office space on my one day off,

I really think Joanna should
do it. She's better at it.

That makes no sense, David.
You're the contractor.

You look at real estate for a living.

All right. Come on. I've got this app

that makes nature sounds for the ride.

First up, frozen waterfall.

It's just silence.

Can you believe him,

trying to pawn off his
annoying chore on me?

He's a monster.

I need at least 3,000 square feet.

Then why did we come here?

The square footage was on the listing.

Oh, I thought they were lying.

You know, like online dating.

You know, they say they're blond,

but they're always brunets.

What dating sites are you on?

All right. Okay, maybe
this place will work out,

but is the building in good shape?

I mean, look how high
some of these doors are!

And they're so tiny!

Uncle Art, that's a cabinet.

Look, we should be using
David for what he's good at.

Sweetie, you've got to
go under the building.

Check the plumbing.
Check the electrical.

Oh, and the rat situation.

I mean, you can't have too many,

but if you don't have
any, I get suspicious.

We'll be across the street

doing what we enjoy best together...

- Complaining?
- BOTH: Getting sushi.

Oh, and, David, be careful in
the crawl spaces, sweetie.

- It's spider season.
- Oh, that reminds me.

I'm gonna get a spider roll.

I thought you should know.

♪ ♪

Oh, geez. What happened to you?

I was Mominated to give a
free building inspection

while Uncle Art and Mom got sushi.

Oh, that is just outrageous.

- Thanks, Dad.
- They get sushi.

They don't even invite me?

I mean, here I am.

I take him into my own home...

- My own home.
- ... and what do I get?

A son full of spider bites,

and a belly empty of spider rolls!

Uh-huh.

Lori Bishop, you are incorrigible.

Mom's friend's daughter.

Yeah, I'd love to go sailing.

Carol's daughter has a boat?

S'mores pizza,

where the marshmallow is the cheese?

That does sound good.

Lori works at the lab where
they come up with the foods

for Trader Joe's.

Uh, I don't know about mac
and cheese ice cream,

but I'm willing to try it.

Why did you let me little sister Joanna?

I'm the one who should be
lounging on a catamaran

eating Candy Cane Joe-Joe's

even though Christmas is 6 months away.

Relax.

The beauty of little sistering

is that it's not just about
what you pawn off on them.

It's what you take back
for yourself, too.

Really?

Are you really sure

that's how you want to
treat your family, David?

Absolutely. No questions asked.

Okay.

Well, just so you know,
that's the kind of behavior

that leads people to get
sushi without other people.

♪ ♪

All right, overall, the place is great,

and honestly, five rats,
that's a perfect number.

But I'm sorry.

I think that we should be
looking at other places.

Oh, here, here. I already
made a new list for you.

Yeah, can you arrange them
in order of distance?

Okay, here, we're ping-ponging
all over the place.

Okay, yes. You're absolutely right.

I'll fix it, Arty.

Oh, David. You're better at this.

Can you fix it?

You've been all over me this week,

and, no, I have real work to do.

Oh, I'm amazed at how
much you can juggle.

Millennials!

All right. Listen,

I'm going to go comb the
parking lot for hunchbacks.

- Okay?
- Okay, Arty.

Fun fact, isn't he the best?

I'd do anything for him.

Yeah, and he'd make you
do anything for him.

Oh, my God.

That's why you're Mominating
me more than usual.

That's why Dad is freaking out.

Uncle Art has been little sistering you.

He's what?

Little sistering.

It's, like, you know
when an older sibling

pawns off the things
they don't want to do

onto a younger sibling?

Like how when Nana died,

Uncle Art made you go down there

and clean out her Palm Beach condo.

And then when Grandpa died,

Uncle Art made you go down there

and clean out his Palm Beach Volvo?

I don't think he's little sistering.

I-I like helping him.

He's my big brother.

That's what he wants you to think.

I know because I'm a big brother.

And guess who's doing all the work?

You, the little sister!

Hm.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, it wouldn't k*ll him to
do his own freaking research!

I cannot believe I've
never put this together.

My big brother is
taking advantage of me.

Yes, which in turn makes
you take advantage of me.

Honey, this isn't about you right now.

- Lori?
- Yeah.

Hi. I'm Debbie Klein's
daughter-in-law, Rebecca.

I know you were expecting Joanna
again, but she couldn't make it.

I don't know a Joanna.

But you had lunch with
her a few days ago?

You let her try never-before-tasted
Trader Joe's snacks.

What's Trader Joe's?

Oh, my God.

Y-You don't have a boat, do you?

No. Oh, wait!

I do have a canoe, but we'll
have to sit over the holes.

It's a long story.

I should get started because
I have to leave in four hours.

Oh, okay.

Joanna!

What the hell?

You played me!

Oh, Rebecca, how was your awesome lunch

with the coolest person
in the world, Lori?

Lori doesn't work for TJ's
or have a catamaran.

She has TMJ and a cut on her hand.

I never said catamaran.

But that's what you get
for little sistering me!

When did you know?

Oh, I knew from the beginning.

I can smell little
sistering a mile away.

I've been battling Dave for years.

I was just so excited to
finally be a big sister,

and I got mad with big sister power.

I'm so ashamed.

Don't blame yourself.

This is a structural problem.

I mean, we live in a world where
little sisters are oppressed.

It runs generations deep.

I want to be an ally and stop
the older sibling behavior

that perpetuates the cycle.

It starts with Dave.

I know we've been over
and over this, Stewie,

but I've got to give it one more try.

No, I need this to be perfect.

Does this wall seem "F."-able to you?

Should I "F." this wall?

Arty, we've been doing this for an hour.

There are other important
things going on.

You promised we'd go
over airport routes,

Merritt Parkway, Frontage Road, 95.

I don't even know
if you're checking in online

or at the kiosk. There are
decisions to be made!

You little sistered me!

What? Little sistered?

Your entire visit,
you have been passing off

all of your to-do list
on me, and I've had it!

All right. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

I'm confused.

I thought that we were
having a great time,

like that time I made you leave
all those negative Yelp reviews

about that waiter at the
Korean barbecue restaurant

because he was being so rude to me,

and it just turned out that he was deaf.

So then I had to open a Yelp account

to defend him and argue with you,

and then you had to delete your account

to make it look like I had won.

Do you remember?

Do you remember?

You remember?

That was fun!

That was not fun!

And now I'm angry just
thinking about it!

And I'm angry, too.

I had no idea you were
getting Korean barbecue.

Deb, Deb, this isn't like you.

Where is this coming from?

Well, David and I were talking and...

Oh, oh, oh, okay. All right.

Say no more.

You're not mad at me.

You've been convinced to feel this way.

By my David?

Yep.

You've been Baby Boy'd.

- Baby Boy'd?
- Yes.

That's when a baby boy
convinces his mommy

that his feelings are her feelings.

But they're not?

Oh, he's good.

You Baby Boy'd me!

- What?
- Oh, don't pretend you don't know

what Baby Boying is.

You might as well be sucking on a bottle

and playing with your rattle!

I was happy taking care of my brother

until you threw a
wrench into everything!

- By Baby Boying!
- That's not a term.

It's a term!

Can everybody just please
get out of my space?

- I'm trying to work on my blueprints.
- Quit deflecting.

I could spot a Baby Boying a mile away.

I practically invented the move!

I've been Baby Boying since
I was a young male toddler.

Did you tell Rebecca
to little sister me?

Can everybody just stop yelling at me?

Don't deny it! Turning
sisters against one another?

Have you no shame?

David, isn't that what
you accused Uncle Arty

of doing to me?

Doctor Uncle, respect.

You would actually baby boy your mother

into thinking she was
being little sistered

while you were advocating a
little sistering for yourself?

- [GASPS]
- Fine!

Maybe I did baby boy,

and maybe I did tell
you to little sister,

but it's only because you
would not stop Mominating me!

Mominating?

- Is that even a term?
- Oh, yeah.

That is exactly what you do.

When I have kids, you will
never catch me Mominating.

Don't criticize your mother

by telling her you'll never be like her!

That's Daughtering!

That is not a term.

Stop Sonsplaining, David.

I'll stop Sonsplaining
when she stops Mominating!

Okay. All right. I'm confused,
all these terms.

- Deb, make a chart!
- Okay, Art.

David, make a chart.

Okay, Joanna, make a chart.

What the hell?

Have none of you learned anything?

Uh, you know, from my perspective...

Can you take your foot off the
Restoration Hardware, please?

... I see all the family dynamics
that are going on here.

Deb Mominates you kids
because she's proud

- and wants to show you all off.
- It's true.

Rebecca little sisters Joanna

because they are as close
as real siblings now.

And Dave could baby boy his mother

because she loves him dearly.

No one meant to hurt anyone,
although Arty could stand

to demand a little less of his sister.

Arty, I'd like my wife back, please.

Fair enough.

Deb, I'm sorry I treated
you the way I did.

- I'll do better.
- Oh, thank you, Arty.

And, Rebecca, I'm sorry.

I'll be more considerate next time

I ask you to do me a favor.

Oh, thank you, Deb.

And, Joanna, I'm sorry.

I promise to treat you like
my sister in the good ways.

Thank you, Rebecca.

And, Dave, I'm not sorry for anything

because I've done nothing wrong.

Thank you, Joanna.

And, Rebecca, I'm sorry
I brought you into this family.

Point is, we all just want
what's best for each other,

but what do I know?

I'm just a middle child uniquely
poised to see every angle

because I'm smack in
the center of it all.

Middle child?

Well, that explains why he's so needy.

So how many times did you little
sister me through the years?

Oh, I wouldn't ask questions you
don't want to know the answers to.

That's why I never asked F.
Murray what the F stands for.

Oh, Rebecca, that reminds me,
Fran Murray Silverstein,

her daughter is thinking
about going blonde.

I thought maybe you could
give her some advice.

I have 42 pictures for you to look at.

- Deb, hey, you're doing it again.
- Hm, what?

Mominating.

- Oh.
- No, it's okay.

It's worth it to be part
of such an amazing family.

It's an honor just to be Mominated.

Oh, Rebecca, you're the best.

Fun fact, I didn't like
you when we first met.

♪ ♪

Ah, well.

I think that might be my
best airport drop-off yet!

Honestly, it was remarkable!

Not too early. Not too late.

And the way that you just
merged onto Route 6...

- Oh, merging! Merging!
- ... it was seamless!

- Oh, merging.
- You, sir, you're an artist.

- Oh, well.
- No, and not once

did I ever get the sun in my eyes.

That was by design.

Sir, it's been a pleasure.

Oh, believe me, the pleasure
is mine, Doctor Uncle.

Oh, come on, such a terrific drop-off.

You don't have to call me Doctor Uncle.

Just call me Doctor.

That's weird.

I never noticed that
tower restaurant before,

and I would have noticed it

because I love restaurants that spin.

You know, you've got the dinner
rolls and the ankle rolls.

I call it a working dinner.

What are you talking about?

That restaurant has
been there since 1983.

When's the last time you
flew out of Newark?

Newark?

You're supposed to drop me
off at Westchester County!

Can I still call you doctor?

No!