01x11 - Everybody's Talking About Kings and Queens

[bunniefuu]

Baby. Baby, what's the matter?

Oh, I just got off the phone,
and Susie Pollack is...

- dead.
- Ohh.

- Oh, my God.
- I'm so sorry, Mom.

That's... It's... It's...

Dead set on staying in Florida.

Deb, you've got to stop
with the awkward pauses.

Every sentence is like a
roller coaster with you, Ma.

Susie was my last friend here.

I thought she was coming home this week,

but now there's nobody left.

The Steins retired down in
Miami, and the Posners...

well, they're always traveling,

and the Stutmans... they're in prison.

Oh, Stewie, everybody's moving on

with their next chapter but us.

Don't worry, babe.
We'll... We'll get there.

Oh, and there's even more bad news.

Do you remember Nancy Cohen?

Sure.

Well, Susie told me that she died.

Let's wait for it.

Her hair blond.

- See? We're learning.
- Yeah. This is good.

And got hit by a bus leaving the salon!

Oh, it's just awful!

Where are you two off to today?

Couples therapy with Marcia.

It's been so helpful.

Last week we made some real progress

on how to better hear each other.

- Right, Dave?
- Hmm?

Did you want to get a beer?

I don't like this.

Couples therapy means there's a problem.

David, is she not making you happy?

Kiss my right cheek for "yes",
my left cheek for "no",

and flat on the lips
if you feel like it.

And this is why we're in therapy.

Mom, of course there's no problem.

We're just going to Marcia to learn

how to better be honest
about our feelings.

Right? That's why we go?

Well, it sounds like you're
paying some stranger for advice

when I could give it to you for free.

You're perfect, girls love you,

guys want to be you, you
married the perfect man,

I'm the perfect mother, session over.

- Hoo!
- I'm running late.

Boy, the only downside
to using Joanna's office

is I got to sneak in while
they're out walking all the dogs

because if they catch my scent,

let's just say the lipstick
comes out, you know?

Pretty soon I'm gonna
have us swimming in cash

and swimming in the Caribbean.

Mm.

Or you could take that newfound wealth

and save it for maybe one day...

and I'm just putting this
together right now...

when you move out.

The reefs down there are dying, Davey.

We got to get there fast.

And I like to see the
fish before I eat them.

Go get 'em, tiger.

- Mwah!
- Mwah!

- Have a good day.
- Okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I'm so proud of him.

I just wish he didn't have
to go through this alone.

I mean, I should figure out
a way to make money, too.

Then we could take two vacations.

Or you could pay a bill, any bill.

You could pay that guy Bill
that you backed up into.

He's been calling a lot.

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

♪ ♪

Whoop!

- I'm sorry to bug you.
- Not at all.

Just got to see how my businessman dad

makes his sausage.

What you got there... a tape recorder?

Yes. Used this back in
the day to brainstorm.

Thought I'd conjure up
some of the old magic.

Instead of selling
somebody else's product,

I'm developing one of my own this time.

Much more lucrative!

- Impressive.
- Yeah.

And, honestly, I think I'm
onto some pretty big ideas.

And, uh, I could use a break.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

STEW: Big idea. Big idea.

Come on, Stewie. Get a big idea.

- [FAST-FORWARDS]
- Stewie, get a big idea!

Big idea! Big idea!

Big idea!

Big idea, big idea, big idea,
big idea, big idea, big idea,

big idea, big idea, big idea!

Stewie, big idea!

Hey.

Those are private big ideas.

Seems like you're just
saying, "Big ideas".

No. If you go further back, I also say,

"Little ideas" a bunch.

That's what gave me the
idea to do "Big ideas".

Dad, this is concerning.

Things haven't been going
as well as I've made it seem.

See, I really want to turn
things around for your mom.

[SIGHS]

I just have not been able to
come up with a, well, big idea.

You're just putting too
much pressure on yourself.

Maybe if you just talk to Mom, then...

No. No, no, no, no.

She can't know how much I'm struggling.

I'm her rock.

Well, at least let me help you.

We could brainstorm together!

Okay. Yeah!

Let's see if you got my DNA in you.

- Yes!
- Yay!

Here's how I like to
get the ball rolling.

Little idea.

Little idea. Little idea.

Let's try another way.

♪ ♪

Look, I'm just saying
if our therapist says

that I need to agree to hear you more,

then shouldn't you agree to hear
me on what I'd like in return?

Okay, not every agreement means
getting something in exchange.

Yeah, but getting something in exchange

is my favorite part of agreeing.

See, this is why Marcia
calls you "Mr. Tit for Tat".

So, kids, what do you think?

You look very nice, Mom,

but a midday wardrobe
change is never good.

Hello. I'm a licensed life coach.

She used to be a guidance counselor.

Yeah, Rebecca. She was
my guidance counselor.

And she advised me to drop out of school

to become a male model.

It's not too late.

Yeah, maybe for print.

Look, I just started to think

you're paying all this money
for Marcia to give you advice

when everybody knows I'm
the best advice-giver there is.

So I took a 90-minute
webinar, and... presto...

I'm open for business.

Wow.

Deb, I got to say, I am impressed.

[CHUCKLING] Well, thank you!

Now I just need to start
building up my clientele.

And I was thinking of
starting with... boop...

you.

Boop! No way.

Come on, David.

This is important to me.

I don't want Daddy's
big, strong shoulders

to have to bear the
weight of everything.

You're right.

I think you coaching
Dave is a great idea.

I'm sorry. Are you
saying you see a world

where this woman is not enough involved

in our day-to-day?

Lots of new businesses start
out with family members

as clients or customers.

She's right, and then you can write me

a testimonial onto my website,

right after you build me my website.

He's in!

Oh, thank you!

Thank you, David!

Now I'm gonna set up a photo
sh**t for my "about me" page.

Guess what... it's all about me!

What is happening?! [CHUCKLES]

♪ ♪

So, my life coaching takes
on a unique approach.

I believe that every man and woman

has an inner king and queen,

and I would like you to
embrace your inner king.

So, I'm a king?

What areas of your life
would you say are not kingly?

I guess if I had to
search for something,

I would say that there's
this one property

at work that I really love,

but the owner hasn't
hit me back on my offer.

And it's frustrating because
I know I can make it

a great flip if I just got my
little paws on it, you know?

What are you waiting for? Call him up.

Tell him you're ready to move on.

Show him who's king.

[CHUCKLES] In the real world,
it doesn't work like that.

So, is not acting like a
king working out for you?

No.

Well, then be a king.

Get your castle.

Maybe you're right, you know?

Maybe I do need my castle.

Of course!

Call him up right now.

Hi. This is, uh, David Klein.

I'm calling about the
property on Riverside,

and I know you said you had
to think about it, but I don't.

I want it, and I want it now.

[WHISPERS] Tell him why.

Because my mom says I'm a king.

♪ ♪

Okay, okay. What about a robot...

- Uh-huh?
- ...which you control

with just the push of your hand, okay?

And this robot eats dirt!

Pretty sure that's a vacuum.

Ugh!

What if the robot eats lint?

- Also a vacuum.
- Crumbs?

Still a vacuum.

Ugh!

Dad, you remember the
year you missed out

on the singing bass account

and you had to sell the
crying shark instead?

Of course. It was a tough year.

Mom was so supportive of you back then.

I-I really think you should call her.

But this is different.

I don't want your mother to worry.

I can do this on my own.

Hi. What can I do for you?

Oh! This sweater is adorable!

Do you have it in size
beagle and size me?

Well, we only sell dog clothes,

but it is your lucky day,
because I have one left.

These things are selling like crazy!

STEW: Hold on.

You're buying that sweater for your dog?

- It costs $75.
- I know.

What a bargain!

Even though dogs have natural sweaters

called "fur" which is free?

Ralph is my everything.

I'll take this and the fireman's hat.

- 1,000% markup.
- Dad!

Which is worth every penny, yeah.

Thank you for shopping.

- Dad!
- What?

You almost blew that sale!

I'm sorry. It's... I could not believe

she was willing to spend so much money.

That's it.

I'm going to invent a pet product.

This is the big idea
I've been looking for!

Great!

I believe in you! Wait.

It's not a device that picks
up pet hair, though, right?

- 'Cause that's a vacuum.
- Okay.

You really get to get off
this "vacuum" thing, Joanna.

You're obsessed!

Wha...

♪ ♪

'Sup, babe?

How'd it go?

Actually, it went amazing.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Coach Deb told me to put some pressure

on that guy that's holding
the property that I wanted...

- you know, the one to flip?
- Yeah.

And guess what. Boom... offer accepted.

The one on Riverside? That is amazing!

I know.

I mean, it kind of feels like
things are going so good,

I don't really need therapy anymore.

Wait. What?

I don't want it to conflict
with all the progress

I'm making with my life coach.

You mean your mom?

Coach Deb, yes.

Look, I know I encouraged
you to talk with your mom,

but it seems like you're using
this to get out of therapy.

I honestly am, very much so.

I-I just...

Therapist Marcia never agrees with me,

and Coach Deb always agrees with me.

I mean, she said I was a king,

and that is logic that is airtight.

Oh, wow.

So, you don't want to go to therapy

because your mom calls you a
king and that's all you need?

Basically, pretty much. Yes, exactly.

- Uh-huh.
- Ooh.

Wow. Okay.

Well, Dave, we need to
talk about this and...

No. Mnh-mnh.

Coach Deb said you would say that,

and she said it's time for
me to make a royal decree!

So please cancel therapy tomorrow.

No!

Are you drunk?

I am trashed.

♪ ♪

Deb, I know you want to
do your part to help you

and Stew get back on track financially,

which is why I stood up for you

and supported your new career path.

But it bit me in the a*s!

How so?

- Sake?
- Uh, I guess.

Well, it's just that since
you started coaching

Dave, he won't go to therapy with me.

Mm.

That is a conundrum, because,
you know, as a life coach,

therapists are my sworn enemy.

However, it does sound
like it's something

you really want him to do.

Yeah. I do.

Well, have you told him he better do it

if he knows what's good for him?

What?

You're a queen!

Queens don't ask!

They tell!

Yeah.

I mean, I am kind of regal.

Exactly!

You deserve to rule your castle!

Yeah. Cheers.

[CHUCKLES]

- Ahhh.
- Ahhh.

It's 11:00 a.m.

[LAUGHS]

More?

♪ ♪

Say, what's the worst
part about walking dogs?

Um, picking up poop?

No. Gross.

Leave it on the ground.

The worst part is holding the leash.

But you don't have to with...

the belt leash!

Hey, hey, hey!

- Okay, Dad.
- Yeah.

I already sell a belt leash.

It's right there.

It's the thing you grabbed
when you ran to the back,

yelling, "I have an idea!"

Yes, yes, but that's just for one dog.

This is for 10 dogs!

Who needs that?

Dogwalkers.

Lost souls whose lives
have gone sideways.

The perfect customer.

Now I'm gonna take this
leash out for a little test run,

so why don't you go
grab some lucky puppies

and tell 'em they're
about to make history?

Look, it's great that
you're all fired up,

but I don't think this is gonna work.

Really?

So...

you're the dog expert now?

Um...

yeah.

Well, I've been a businessman
for four decades,

and that's 280 dog years,

so I think I know what
I'm talking about.

Dad, do you remember when Mom convinced

you not to sell that
superweighted blanket

because it was making it hard
for some people to breathe?

This situation feels
very similar to that.

Maybe just call her.

I will call her after my
first successful test run.

Now do me a favor and help
me strap on some pups.

Dad, I love you, but I cannot
lend my customers' dogs

to be walked with an untested invention

that, frankly, looks like the
harness of a sex swing.

Fine. You're not gonna help me?

I'm gonna go find some strays.

And, clearly, you've
never taken a love ride,

because a sex swing
looks nothing like this.

Ew!

♪ ♪

Get off the phone!

I need to call you back.

Listen up.

You're going to therapy.

No, you listen up.

I'mma do whatever the hell I want to do.

Nuh-unh. This is my castle now.

- I'm the queen!
- Yuh-huh.

This is still my castle. I'm the king.

Well, I decree you're dethroned!

Well, I refuse to abdicate.

You will bend the knee!

I can't bend the knee!

I hurt it buckling in my seat belt.

You know this.

Why are we yelling at each other?

I had a lot of sake.
I can't feel my lips.

A lot of sake, you say?

Yeah.

So, my mom's been coaching you?

- She told me I was a queen.
- Ohh.

I'm starting to think that
maybe my broke mom

who took an online course
from my guest room

is not the best person
to give us life advice.

Right.

And as I'm saying it out loud,

I am shocked that it
was able to get this far.

Yeah.

But I did mean what I said.

I think we should go back to Marcia.

Yeah. You're right.

My mom is really gonna be
upset about this, though.

Yeah.

This really meant a lot to her.

[CELLPHONE PLAYS FANFARE]

I went with a new ring, but
I'm not totally sold on it yet.

Me, neither.

- Hello?
- Hey.

I think you need to get Mom down here.

I'm worried about Dad.

He's struggling.

Well, that's great news.

My dad is really struggling!

My mom can help him.

This is perfect!

- How bad is it?
- Okay.

I think we're having a miscommunication.

Are you drunk on Mom's sake?

Coach Deb has a new client!

Yes!

♪ ♪

Listen!

What do I always tell you?

Uh-huh.

That's right.

You are the king.

Don't let anyone push you around.

Well, I'm the queen.
I'll tell him for you.

Hi.

Um, Ravi does not want
to work this weekend.

That's not gonna work for me.

Well, then just tell him
he's got to show up.

You are the king!

Mom, you can't keep giving
the same advice to everybody.

Why not? It's gold.

Listen, Mom, have you
spoken to Dad recently?

Joanna told me he may be
having a harder time at work

than he's letting on.

Oh. Well, he would tell me
if he was having a problem.

Maybe just give him a call and check in?

Yeah, okay.

Now you're getting me all worried.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Hey, yo!

It's a new leash on life with Stew!

Hi, sweetie! It's me.

I just wanted to see if
everything was going okay.

Oh, yeah. Everything's going great.

You know what? I think
I've found the invention

that's gonna get us to Boca!

Oh, that's my guy. Mwah, mwah, mwah!

I really got to go. Something's come up.

Aah! Aah! Get off me!

Dog fail. Bad idea! Bad idea! Bad idea!

Bad idea!

Something's wrong with Stewie!

I can hear it in his voice!

Oh, I feel terrible.

I've been so distracted
coaching everyone's lives,

I've neglected the love of my life.

I got to go see Daddy.

♪ ♪

You're right.

The amazing belt leash was a failure.

I haven't seen that much
lipstick since your mother

worked the cosmetic
counter at Bloomie's.

Ohh!

Oh, God. I'm sorry, Dad.

Here. You're covered in dog hair.

Let's get that off you.

You know what the worst part was?

The laughter from the other dogwalkers.

They're not good people, Jo.

I'm really sorry.

You went out of your way to help me,

and I just acted like a jerk.

You did, absolutely, and you nailed it.

I feel so bad, you know?

I just wanted to fix
things for your mom.

Now what am I gonna do?

Well, maybe you should start
by talking to her right now,

because she's here.

Dave and I thought you two should talk.

Stewie.

Why didn't you tell me you
were having trouble with work?

I didn't want to worry you,
and you already got enough

to worry about with our...
our friends moving on,

and I-I felt bad that we weren't
because of my mistakes.

Honey, we made the mistakes together,

and we're gonna fix 'em together.

I just want to give you everything.

But, Stewie, you're my everything...

my king.

- Mm, your king, huh?
- Yeah.

I bet you say that to all the boys.

I do.

- You feel better?
- Yeah.

Hey, uh, thanks for getting
your mom over here

and for everything else.

Oh, Dad.

You still smell like dogs.

Such a queen!

And you... I want you to walk
around all day every day

like you got a crown on your head!

Ah. Oh.

That's it.

Dog crowns.

That's what I should be selling...

dog crowns, huh?!

Look!

Dog people will pay 20 bucks
for something like that.

Who knows how much they're
gonna shell out for a terrier tiara?

My king is back, baby!

We're the best!

[LAUGHS]

♪ ♪

Well, Joanna, I'm so glad
that you came to your senses

and decided to have me as a life coach.

You're gonna have to write a
review if you want the discount.

Yeah, I don't know.

Getting coached by my mom
doesn't sound like a great idea.

Honey, I just want to open you up

to the infinite possibilities
that is your life.

Whatever your goals, I support you.

Wow! Okay.

So, I was thinking I kind of want

to franchise Pup Cuts and...

Oy, enough with the dogs already.

When are you gonna get a wife?

You're not getting any younger,
girl, and neither am I.

Thanks for the pep talk?

♪ ♪