03x01 - Nightmares

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man.

Hotter than a magician's as*h*le
out here.

Hey, Jeremy!

Hey, Vlad!
What's up?

I just, oh, is that your baby?
Nice!

Looks like a bowling ball!
Cute kid.

Here we go!

Oh!
f*ck yeah!

Love you!
All right.

Happy Halloween, children!

Y'all don't want candy?
It's not that scary.

It's not that scary.

I'm Charlotte, from
Charlotte's Web!

Oh, God.
It's snowing?

Snowing in 2022?

God!

What happened to global warming,
Al Gore?

And his wife, Tipper?

Ooh, I shoulda worn
my wool thong.

Is that the,
is that the BQE construction?

Wait, is that
a freakin' space ship?!

Ooh, oh no. Oh...

What the f*ck?

Oh, hey!
My little sassy chica!

Cacio e pepe is hotter than
Billy Joel's b*ll s*ck

on a steamy summer night!

- What?
- What?

I can't hear you over
my new mixtape.

Oh...

Is this you?

Yeah, dude!
Wanna rip?

Yeah, sure.

- What?
- What?

Sorry, what did you...
What was your name again?

Toe.

Toe.
Toe, okay.

As in camel.

I gotta tell you something.

Your vibes are way off,
my Asiatic hermana.

How so?

'Cause when I look at you,
this is what I see.

You know what I'm saying?
What's up with that?

Well, I think lately the...

Problem is that I, there's like,
nothing on my mind.

But at my age now,
I just feel...

Old?

Older.
Older.

I, I have all these
new white hairs

that I actually went in and
individually Sharpie-d.

- Down here?
- On my head.

Oh, on your head.

'Cause really, tweezers
are amazing.

You just pluck 'em right out.

Not on your head, though.

You pluck 'em up there,
and they come back even worse.

I once burned all
my arm hair off

with a BIC lighter,

because I thought
if I torch that sucker,

then the whole foundation
would go up in flames.

But it didn't.

I thought I had everything
figured out, but...

More and more I just feel
like...

So, what's, what...?

What are you...?

'Cause I'm tryin' to tell,
tell you, like, what...

Oh, just, it's just my process.

I'm processing what you're
saying.

- Okay.
- Is it distracting to you?

- Yeah.
- Oh, no worries.

Done-o.

Kinda lost track of
what I was saying, but...

Just focus and do
what I say.

Go to that window...

And look outside.

Go ahead.

You're not gonna, like,

f*ck' k*ll me in the window, right?

I love you, man.

You're my girl.
Go on.

Trust me.

Is that Earth?

Oh.

That was a weird-a*s dream.

Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead
and hit this real quick.

Nora?

Oh sh*t, it's Teddy!

Scoot-scoot!
It's giving neighbor!

It hits different,
it's passing the vibe check.

It lives rent free in my head.

Wait, wait, do,
do you work here?

Yeah, yeah.

It was a pandemic job.

- Yeah.
- Took a shift, and...

Eight months later,
I wanna go home!

Got you, I mean, well, that's...

That's good, that...
That's great.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm happy for you.

They let me hit it when
no one's in the store.

- Do you want some?
- Nah, I'm good.

Thank you, no.
I'm, I'm okay.

So, what about you,
what's been up?

It's been awhile.

Yeah, it has.

I'm in the city this summer,
just workin' at the UN.

Oh, "un".
Great, love that.

Pretty high clearance...

And I'm actually goin' to
Istanbul in a couple weeks.

My girlfriend, Amber,
she's a, a 3L.

Nice!
So, like...

She's busty?

No, no, no...

Third year law?

- I'm really happy for you, dude.
- Ah, thanks.

I, I myself have my eye

on a pretty little thing
named Mandy.

Really?

She's 19, she got a trunk
like you wouldn't believe,

and a motor that
just won't quit.

Oh God, okay, cool.
It's a car!

It's beautiful.

Mm-hm.

Gorgeous.

What do you do?

Do you wanna hit a dab in
the back or somethin'?

I just gotta run.
I just...

Oh, yeah, no, dude.
That's on the house.

That's really sweet, you,
you did not have to do that.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Just come back and
see me sometime, okay?

- I will.
- Bye, Teddy.

Hey, Nora?

Yeah.

I'm really sorry it's all
like this for you.

Sure, I mean, you can be kinda
cringey whenever, but...

I think you're
a really good person.

So, I hope it works out.

Okay.

And, well, thank you.

Am I cringey?

Ah, Fu Fu...
You really did it this time.

You got me out to Brooklyn.

Fu Fu, even though you are
my eighth cousin, twice removed,

and I only met you four times...

I, I just wanna say
I'm sad you're gone.

Oh, Fu Fu!

- Why?!
- Such a damn shame!

Hey!

Get outta here, b*tch!

You're not family!

Get outta here!

I'm not done grieving yet!

Fu Fu!

Don't go just yet!

Mr. Moon, we're up 14%
week over week

'cause of that
coconut water promotion.

You know, one time I drank
a liter of coconut water

and sh*t out my entire colon.

- Yeah, right.
- Gross.

Oh hey, how's your dad doin'?

He's still with that hot lady?

Brenda, yeah.
They're still together.

She's so hot.

You know, your dad has got
some k*ller calves.

- Oh.
- Mm, oh, yeah.

That's a guy who seems like
he has it all together.

I guess.

Watch it, buddy.

Jesus.

Next.

Hey, there.

Okay, what do you want?

I'd like a large
iced black coffee,

light sugar...

And...

Can you put some
whipped cream on top?

Oh, you're Whippy!

- What?
- Whippy's back!

No, no, no, no, I'm Wally!

Make sure you put Wally.

Wally!

Have a good day there, Whipmeister.

There you go.

Look at Father Time
over here.

You know, old Asian dudes
like that

always got massive calves.

Ask him to lift up his pant leg.

Is that harassment?

It's only harassment if
he lower than us, right?

Aren't we the same level?

That's kinda sad.

He flexin'!

I bet his calves got dimples.

He's definitely got
a stout figure.

Sturdy, like a paperweight.

You guys, I can hear you.
I'm right here.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, Tess.
How you doin'?

Good!
Just in a hell of my own making.

Why?

Well, now that I finally
have the children

that I so desperately
prayed for,

it's just like, why?

Just so I can't have a moment
to myself ever again?

Is that any way to live?

It's not!

But...

Babies are little gifts.

No, they're not.

They are soul-sucking monsters,

and they are intent on ruining
me and my body.

And they have succeeded.

Where are your babies?

Because they're, that,
there's...

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

So, you think
we'll get red envelopes today?

Oh my gosh, Joshua.
Are you serious?

Well hey, Grandma Fu Fu used to
give them out

at every big family gathering.

Well, too bad she's dead!

Remember that
nasty old soup

she used to drink every day?

sh*t smelled like a*s!

Oh, I know.

She made it for me once
when I was sick.

Yuck.
Made me even more sick.

How dare you!

She was your grandmother!

You Asian baby girls!

f*ck you!

Gimme that!

Was she calling all of us
Asian baby girls?

She totally did.

Hey, so I couldn't help but
notice you got a ring box there.

Special lady in your life?

Yeah.

It's our anniversary tonight.

Cool, cool, cool.

So, you're, you're poppin'
the question, nice.

You're never too old for love.

You know?

Never too young, either.

I've been meeting these,
these chicks down at Petco.

Oh man, I've been doin' pretty
well over there.

Oh wow, I have a meeting.
I forgot.

Remind me to tell you
about my ferret.

I gotta...
Excuse me.

Finally.

Hey, Nora.

I was just takin'
a massive crap,

and I noticed,

isn't this your cousin Edmund
on the cover of this magazine?

What?!
On the cover of the...

Yeah!

But he's not on,
he's not on the cover.

It's like that...
It's so small.

It's so big.

I immediately recognized
his face.

Is he doin' okay?

Yeah, he's doin' good, I guess.

The acting thing seems to
have mildly take off.

Just hope the buzz doesn't
go to his head.

Edmund,
can you wag the tail for us?

How does it feel

being the first tailed actor
American in Hollywood?

Are there any questions
not about my tail?

What are your
thoughts on Palestine?

It feels great to be the first

tailed American actor in Hollywood.

Thank you.

Okay, okay.

I'm finally done with this
degenerate stepchild of a store.

Now I get to...

My Michael and Janets
in the city

are callin' for Papa.

My life is hell.

Thank God I have
you in charge, Nora.

- I, I really appreciate that.
- Hello, hello?!

Yeah.

Whatever, who cares?

How therapy changed her life?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t!

As long as it's not
shorting out or anything...

Hi.

Sorry to keep you waiting,
I'm not used to having walk-ins.

Me neither, so...

And I'm just gonna
refill my tea,

and I'm gonna be right back.

I'm sorry about,
I'm sorry, just...

I'm nervous, it's my first time
in therapy, and, and, and...

As my grandmother would say,

"Chinese people don't
believe in therapy," and...

You know, it's been
a hard couple years.

I feel lost, a little sad,
a little insignificant,

a little...

Do, doing, you know,
a lot of things are off.

But anyway...

what was your name again?

Toe.

It's you.

Yes, it's, it's me.
Dr. Emily Cohen.

You're Toe!

I don't know what you're
talking about.

You are Toe.

Who's Toe?

You took a BIC lighter and you
lit all your arm hairs on fire.

And you called me
your Asiatic hermana.

The cacio e pepe?

Right, I think you're getting me
confused with somebody else.

Are you on meds?

Hm?
Are you off your meds?

I have to go.

Okay?

Do you want this open, or...?

You can keep it open.

Or you can close it.

Okay, this is why I do not
have walk-ins.

Whoever did it
f*cked up bad.

The site was down for like,
13 minutes.

We probably lost
millions of dollars!

More like $250,
something like that.

- What?
- I'm just kidding.

Yo, they found out
who did it.

Oh, really?

They did?
That's great.

They found
a coffee cup in there.

Who the f*ck is Wally?!

Is there a Wally in here?

Yes, but I don't know who he is.

I think he's a new hire.

Your nameplate says Wally Lin.

No way.

Why not?

We're all gonna end up like
Fu Fu.

Fu Fu, this for you.

Hey!
Hi!

- Hi.
- You're home early!

I'm gonna set the table
and everything.

Nice china, play some Mariah,
'cause it's our anniversary.

You okay?!

Yeah!

I even got your favorite!

Wow.

What's up?

I...

I don't know how to say this.

I don't know why I'm sweating.

You know how bad I am with words.

, I'm...

Totally the worst at this,
which is...

Probably why this
happened in the first place,

- because...
- Yes.

Huh?

Yes, I'll marry you.

What?
I...

- Why did you think...?
- I see the bulge!

I got a b*ner?!

It's a square in your pants.

Yeah.

I do wanna marry you.

I love you.

It's so beautiful!

But I just wanna...

I love it.
Oh my God!

I mean, I mean, it's not what
you dream about, you know...

Getting proposed to
old fashioned way,

in front of all of New York.

- But this is beautiful!
- Brenda...

Oh my God, I gotta tell
my mother!

I gotta tell Chuck,
what about Nora?

And your mom,
we gotta tell them!

Well, let me see if
we have champagne.

- There's just...
- I'll be right back.

Hold that, hold that.

Hey.
You were out late.

Oh, I was in Brooklyn.

I don't wanna talk about it.

So...

How was your day?

It was all right.

It's like...

I know I'm 31 now, and...

Everyone around me is,
is, is having kids.

Melanie has a baby.

She, she planned a baby.
She, she planned parenthood.

Even Doug just bought a house.

What do I have?

You have me!

Yeah.

And that car you're trying
to f*ck.

Yeah.

Mandy.

Yeah.

I went to another funeral.

I feel old.
Bao Bao.

I feel old, too.

I guess that's why I went to
a therapist today.

You went to therapy?!

Chinese people don't believe
in therapy!

You know, in my day,
you know what a therapist was?

What?

A f*cking tree.

No friends, tree.

No boyfriends, tree.

Who the
is Awkwafina?!