03x03 - Love & Order

[bunniefuu]

[siren wailing]
[police radio chatter]

[camera shutter clicking]

[Detective Johnson] I've never
seen anything like this before.

What even is it?

It's a d*ck bone, Johnson.

I thought you
transferred districts.

You can't get rid
of me that easily.

Listen...about that night...

You want me to forget about it?
I can't.

Your warm breath...on
the back of my neck...

The heat of the back
of the squad car...

The thrill of it happening
in front of theatergoers

coming out of the show.

Pippin...

We should get back to work.

How the hell you know
this was a d*ck bone?

Because...it's my husband's.

[exclaiming, laughter]

Just think, it's a
pretty big twist, huh?

It's actually not
that bad, Edmund.

I love him!

I wanna bend that
Detective Johnson over a bench.

And the costumes!?
Oh my god, I love your jorts!

Oh, thank you, Brenda.

And that Detective Gina,

oh, she looks just like
that woman in your office.

We saw her in the mall
a couple weeks ago.

What's her name?
That name.

The woman with the hair.

I don't know, uh, Mayray?
Or someone...

Mayray?
What kind of name is Mayray?

I don't know. Ask her mother.

There's a lot of people
in the office

to keep track of, you know,
'cause I'm so--

♪ Busy at work
Busy at work ♪

Well, this is just so exciting,

to--to be screening this
with an actual star!

Oh, no.
Thank you, but,

100 actors who can
ethically play bisexual.

-Oh!
-[laughs]

Nora, you should come
visit me on set sometime.

I can't.
I'm being catapulted,

the Coney Island Boardwalk.

Just shut up and come.
Who else wants wine?

Oh, I do, I do!
Tell me more about the costumes.

How many pair of
jorts do you have?

[Edmund] Well, my character
has work jorts and home jorts.

[Brenda] Oh, wow...

So you haven't told Brenda
that you lost your job yet?

No, Mom.

Well, enough with the guitar!
Go get yourself a f*cking job!

Shut the f*ck up, Mom!
Leave me alone!

I'm going to my room!

Yeah, do that!

♪ Do it, baby ♪

♪ Do it, do it baby ♪

♪ Do it, baby ♪

♪ Do it, do it baby ♪

♪ Do it, baby ♪

[Nora] Damn.
This set is huge.

It's so much bigger than
the last one we were on.

This is big time, bruh.

Oh, and there's
my favorite perk!

-That's my PA, Juan.
-Aww, he's so cute.

I know, right?
But I would never.

Because you're his
direct supervisor, right?

No, because we're both bottoms.

But that's okay, because
now that I'm a verified actor,

I am simply drowning in tops.

Look, there's
countless pick me gays

just in my DMs.

I'm like a broken
Coney Island pop-a-shot.

Just one swipe to play,
unlimited ba*ls to score.

Hey, Edmund.

-Points!
-Mm-hmm...

You guys are so--
so sexual on set.

Since when did you get so c*ck
and horny at the same time?

Nora, I was a two-bit Tammy--

bloated, depressed,

one eye bigger than
the other sometimes,

eating various French cheeses

because no one
wanted to f*ck me.

I mean, I used to compare
myself to everybody,

even when I thought
I was happy, but...

I don't know.

Now I have this inner
self-confidence, this...

inner self-love. Hm.

What about you, Cuz?

You still working
at that gas station?

Deli.
And yes, still there.

Eight months later,
still not commuting

outside of a 10-block radius.

That's okay, though.
I mean...

what else would you be doing?

I don't know.

Oh my god, I have to
show you my two-banger.

God, have you had sex
with every department?

That's my trailer,
you dumb-dumb!

-Oh, your trailer.
-Yeah.

[Wally] All right, Wally...

Time to get a job.

[exhales]

Oh, let's do this.

I have more than
30 years IT experience.

Fantastic.

So which language
is your specialty?

-Huh?
-Chinese or English?

What language?
Uh, English.

But Chinese, uh,
a few words here and there.

Yikes.

We thought you, like,
full blown spoke Mando.

No, but I do definitely
speak the language of computers.

Yeah...

This probably won't work out.

Well, I did daily backups
on encrypted servers

and data analysis on
every remote transfer

over 1 gig.

What was your name again, dude?

Uh...Wally.

I don't know.

I get it.

[Gino coughs]

I've got a lot of contenders
for this job position, Wally.

Yeah, well, yeah.
[laughs nervously]

I come into work every day,
and I look in the mirror,

and I am proud to say--

[has a coughing fit]

You okay, there?

Look, my first wife always said,

you keep working in
that used car dealership,

you're gonna turn into
a used car dealership!

[both laugh]

[Gino] Oh, god...

Wait, she would say you
would physically turn into

a used car dealership?

Anyway, if you want
the job, you got the job.

We'll need you to
change some printer ink

and install cameras in
the unisex toilets.

Spit shake on it.

I gotta go.

It was nice meeting you, though.

[Edmund] So you've been
having weird recurring dreams,

and you're feeling
a little depressed?

I guess.

Welcome to living, right?
[laughs]

Yeah.

Would a bag of free swag
make you feel better?

Look!

I got this from a
self-actualization retreat.

It was fantastic.
All the best were there.

It was like, Esther Perel,
Tony Robbins,

the "Hi, I'm Your Korean Dad"
guy from TikTok.

Oh my god, crystals,

Maslow's hierarchy mug,

anti-stress set for
the lactose intolerant.

Oh, and a DNA test.

Oh, like the ones that
tell you about your ethnicity?

You know, I've always
wanted to take one of these.

I'm sure it'll just say that

you're a whole bunch
of Chinese, so...

You never know, Nora.

I had a friend
take one of these,

and she found out her
parents weren't her parents,

and she had, like, 65 siblings.

It looks like the rest
of these are just books.

And you probably
wouldn't want any of those.

Why not?

Why wouldn't I want a books?
A book?

I don't know, you
just don't really

strike me as a reader.
[chuckles]

I mean, do you read?

-Yes!
-Okay.

[Nora] Yes, I know how to read!

I've read.

I've read a thousand lifetimes.

I read all the time.

Okay, name a book.

It's okay, there
aren't that many books.

Yeah.

[laughs]

There's not even
words in this one.

-It's a journal.
-Okay.

[punchy beat]

[mellow electronic music]

[electronic doorbell rings]

[strums on guitar]

[Man] Hey man, you work here?

Oh, [chuckles]
No, I just--

Do you know what
size string I should use?

Oh, well, uh, that just depends
on what you're playing.

If you're playing blues,
or country, or rock,

then you wanna bend
the string a little bit,

you wanna go thinner, like a 9.

That's for the high E.

If you're just starting out,

I would just get a
set of the 10-46's.

Wow, very thorough.
Cheers, dude.

[Wally] Sure.

[continues strumming]

Hey, bud!
You're making us look bad.

Oh...

I'm just joshin' ya.

You seem like a real enthusiast.

I, uh, don't know
if you saw the sign,

but we're hiring,

if you ever thought about
jamming for a living.

-No, I just--
-Yeah, you are.

[intensifying music]

We're unique in that
our customer base

is like none other.

It's just a constant mix
of midlife crisis guys,

stressed-out parents,

and a few zany locals

who routinely have
expl*sive diarrhea

in our staff restrooms.

Oh, wow.

What about the employees?

[laughs] Well, it's a
bit like high school--

in a totally not
creepy way, that is.

Pretty much everyone's a freak,
except for us guitar dudes.

Hey--oh.

Don't get into any
kind of conversation

with the brass trolls.

It's definitely
Sondheim adjacent,

and your dress reminds
me of that very song.

Would you like
to pull up a seat?

We've got DJ lighting and sound.

Total douchebags, if you ask me.

Just a bunch of
electronica burnouts

who love vaping
and Frooty Loops.

Like, why is he wearing
sunglasses indoors?

[Patrick] f*ck you, Constantine!

Here we have keyboards.

Kevin...

What are you doing, buddy?

Tuning the keyboards.

Cool.

It's best not to argue with him.

[ding]

Kevin's dope,
but don't talk to Tomiko.

She is very angry.

She slapped Michael from drums.

Jesus...

All in all, it's a good gig.

It's all about the music
and the ladies.

That lady?

[Constantine] Not that specific
lady, but also why not?

Okay! I'll leave you to it.

[rock music]

I've never seen you
with a book before.

Can you even read one?

Okay, why does everyone
think that I can't read?

Well, why you squinting?

It's like I can't
read, you know?

-Ah, see--
-No!

I meant I-I can't see.

It's my brain, not my eyes.

I mean, it's my eyes,
not my brain.

Yeah, well, other kids
would've said, stupid!

[giggles]

You know what?
You know what, Grandmother?

I am going to go retire
to my reading nook,

which is a nook in my bedroom
that is dedicated to the arts.

-Goodbye!
-Nerd.

[low-key beat]

[mellow electronic music]

Ah, I can't see sh*t.

What is a "forward"?

You know what?

They'll still be in here.

Ooh, here's my babies.

Okay, here we go. Ah.

[Bob] Bob has a great life.

But he has a friend, Rob,

who's much more
successful than Bob.

And this makes Bob sad.
Why is that?

Why is that?

Thank you, mister.
You're the best.

[Wally] You're welcome.

And just meet me down there,

and I'm gonna fix you up
with a gig bag, all right?

Good luck.

First sale, huh?
Yeah, baby!

Never forget your first.

Mine was a violinist

who wanted the sheet music
to Jurassic Park .

Aww, I love Jurassic Park .

Same.

[door opens]
[electronic doorbell rings]

Oh, sh*t.

[suspenseful music]

[hip-hop music]

[Neighbor] Hey, Nora!
I can see your bush!

[Nora] Oh...

Hey, bud!

[Bob] Bob loves
riding his bike.

But then one day,
he sees his neighbor, Rob,

driving in a cool car.

So Bob gets a cool car.

[coins jingle]
[engine revs]

[Bob] Bob loves
driving his cool car.

But then one day, he sees Rob
taking off in an awesome plane.

Bob hates his car now.

He wants to buy a new plane.

Don't hate your car.

[Bob] Bob loves
flying his plane.

But then one day,
he sees Rob waving at him

from a rocket ship
going to space.

[gasps] A rocket ship!

How does he afford that?

Is he a weapons dealer?

[Bob] Bob can't
afford a rocket ship.

And this makes him sad.

Poor little guy.

[Bob] But then he sees a
happy kid riding a bike and...

[bike bell rings]

[Bob] ...it reminds him
of how he used to be.

[sighs]

[mellow beat]

Whoa! Beautiful woman.

-I bet she rocks.
-She totally rocks.

Ooh, she's coming over here.
Be cool.

Hey, would you have
guitar tabs for Abbey Road ?

[high-pitched voice]
Yes!

[clears throat]
[normal voice] I mean, yes.

-I can get those for you.
-Great. Thanks.

So is this for yourself
or a special dude or lady?

No, it's, um, ah, my fiancé?

Yeah, he's getting into
the guitar lately, yeah.

But he's, um, he's--
he's not very good, so...

he needs help.
I need help, so...

Lucky him. Lucky you.

Lucky everyone.

Luck, luck, luck,
luck, luck, luck.

Uh, here, my lady.
This is, uh, 23.95.

Thank you.

Oh! Hotel California.

That album is a classic.

-Yeah!
-The Eagles.

Yeah. Bye.

-What about The Eagles?
-What about The Eagles?

[rock music]

[electronic doorbell rings]

[rock music]

Man, can you believe that lady?

She rocks.

She totally rocks.

Fellas, that was a close one.
Listen, I gotta tell you--

I'm so inspired by that lady!
Man, I just--

I just...

We need to jam!

[guitar tuning]

[drumming]

[rock guitar intro]

I got a story for you folks.

A-one! A-two!

[feedback]

Constantine, what did I tell
you about singing on the job?

Get back to work,
you dumb shits.

What is this? Woodstock?

-Great first day, Wally.
-Ah, thanks.

-I'm glad you joined our team.
-Mm-hmm.

Oh, I forgot to ask,

we got a work retreat
coming up in a couple months.

Lake Placid, baby!
You wanna come?

That's real nice,
Constantine,

but I don't think
I'll still be here then.

-Really?
-Yeah,

I think I really like hanging
with you, with the guys, but...

this is a temporary gig.

Wherever the winds
blow your sails, my man.

I'm just lucky
I found my place here.

[rock music on radio]

-Great first day.
-[chuckles] Thanks.

[crickets chirping]

[Edmund] I have an
announcement to make.

And it's...even
shocking to myself.

My DNA Map results came back in.

Okay, excuse me,
how is that possible?

You sent those
results in yesterday.

well, they expedite
it for celebrities.

-No, they don't!
-Yes, they do!

That's not even a rule.

I paid an extra $1200,
so shut the hell up.

Eww!

Guys, I am...

Icelandic!

[Family] What!?

Oh, Edmund, there's
no way you're Icelandic.

No, Grandma, I have
the DNA proof right here.

See, my results say
Chinese and Icelandic.

How is that even possible?

I don't know, but,
you know, Björk is Icleandic,

and she looks kind of Asian.

Plus, it's just so...validating
and life affirming, really,

because I always
knew I was different.

I have my vestigial tail.

Mm, yes, I one time put it
in an electrical outlet,

and you went bzzzz!

Anyway, my results also say

that I have relatives in
Iceland,

which means I have
to go visit them!

I mean, I'm wrapping
week 84 of Love and Order--

the last week, of course--

and I have a two-month
hiatus before season two.

The timing is perfect.

Nora, do you wanna come with me?

No, I-I can't,
because I work a lot,

and I'm trying to save money,

and also, I don't
care that much.

-I'll pay for everything.
-Okay, yeah, I'll go.

-Thank you, Nora.
-Mm.

It will be so nice to have
family there to support me

on my...pilgrimage of the soul.

You can even learn
a little Icelandic.

Well, Grandma...
[speaks Icelandic]

Beautiful language.

Hey, there.

What the f*ck!?

Bob?

Still busy comparing yourself
to others and feeling shitty?

Yes.

And actually,
your self-help book

didn't self-help me much either.

And it's actually
kind of stupid.

That's because you're not
good at critical thinking.

Excuse me, b*tch?

The message I wanted
to leave you with is

even though your
life feels stagnant

and your confidence is low,

and your opportunities
will only shrink with age...

Is there a comma there?

But the act of reading,
retaining information,

and even seeking out help
is all that matters, Nora.

Oh, thank you.
Yes, that is...

That's true, yes.

Um...thank you.

It's good that
you're going to Iceland.

You should focus
on yourself, boo.

Not others.

You're right, Bob.
Yeah, no,

I do need a vacation.
I do need a vacation, so...

Okay, sister!
Do you!

Hey, you're not gonna,
like...live in my mind now

and come sing songs
with me at night, right?

Uh, stop.
Why would I do that?

I don't know why you do

the...f*cking things
you do, Bob.

I'mma head out now.

Hey--

I thought you didn't
have a rocket ship.

[Bob] I got a line of credit!

Wow, I gotta stop
talking allergy meds.

A-one! A-two!

A-skibbly-diddly-do!

[ The Weight intro]

♪ I pulled into Nazareth ♪

♪ Was feelin' about
half past dead ♪

♪ I just need some place
where I can lay my head ♪

♪ "Hey, mister,
can you tell me ♪

♪ where a man might
find a bed?" ♪

♪ He just grinned
and shook my hand ♪

♪ And "no" was all he said ♪

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ Take a load for free ♪

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ You put the load right on me ♪

[outro]

[Man] Who the
[bleep] is Awkwafina?

[music]

♪ MTV ♪