03x05 - Bad Grandma

[bunniefuu]

Stop it, garbage boy!

Stop it!

Nora? Wally?

What a beautiful day!

What if we all...

They must be at work already.

100 percent.

This is my new chair.

I found it in a dumpster
off of Queens Boulevard!

Ooh, that's nice.

Speaking of hand-me-downs,

my grandson gave me
all of his shirts...

and house shorts, so nothing
goes to waste.

My niece asked if
I needed new shoes,

and I laughed at her for
45 minutes!

These b*tches are so depressing.

Us old girls
don't need a thing

after a certain point!

That's right!

Who's texting you?

Just Nora.

That reminds me,

I have an appointment with
a foot doctor in a few hours.

Why does Nora remind you
of your foot doctor?

I should go too.

I forgot to get my
World Journal this morning,

and I wanna stare at it
before calling it a night.

Well, it's only
8 o'clock in the morning.

I know! So late!

See ya.

I wouldn't wanna be ya.

Jesus Christ...

All right!
All right!

Come on, don't get your pee hot!

Edmund, what are you doing here?
What's up?

Nothing! You?

Why are you sending me
all these weird texts?

Um, no reason.

Just... wanted to
make sure you were home.

Well, here I am.

Well, I guess I also
had this recent epiphany

after my trip to Iceland
that I love love,

and you and Brenda
are so in love that...

- Okay, go.
- Who are you talking to?

Edmund, what the
f*ck is going on?

I'm sorry, Uncle Wally.

Your friends
found me on Facebook

and wanted me to organize
your bachelor party.

Friends?
What friends?

Damon...?

Damon?
Damon's f*cking annoying!

Hey, I heard that!
What's up, Wall Man?

Hang tight, buddy!
Lezzfuckinggo!

Come on!

Hey!

What are you crazy kids up to?

Hey!

Go!

These
plants are parched!

You poor babies need some love.

What the hell.

You're coming home with Grandma.

Grandma!
Can you say "Grandma"?

Are you hungry? Okay.

Just a little more
of my secret stuff...

Hey, Grandma.
Crazy day at work today.

This guy pressed his p*nis
against the display window

and I rolled my friggin'
ankle Swiffering it.

Is it...

What... is it?

Holy sh*t, Grandma!
This is weed!

Really?

Bad boy!

It's moving past the veg phase.

What is "veg"?
Like, like a salad?

The weed buds are coming in.

Hey! If you help me grow it...

you wouldn't have
to buy it anymore.

You wanna give me a hand?

This could be a fun thing
we could do together.

Yeah, I-I would love to.

But the first thing we need
to do is get it to a dark place.

You are fat and ugly.
That'll do it.

No, that doesn't do it.

Surprise!

Welcome to your
bachelor party, bro!

Look, I got all
the gym bros together

thanks to this
little dude, of course.

Thank you, little dude.

Yo, check it out!

We got a cigar station
and a fireworks station.

And squishy-squashy...
A seafood tower!!!!

Whoa, fellas!

You didn't have to go
to all this trouble.

I don't even know if I have
the energy for all this.

Neither do we, dude.
I'm on Lipitor now.

Hey, man, if we were
in our twenties,

I would've taken you
right to the donkey show,

you know that.

But the world is f*cked now,

so we might as
well have an excuse

to just kick back, right?

Yeah, but I don't know. I...

Kickin' back, yeah.

I can go for that. Yeah!

Lezzgobros weekend, all right!!

So the LED lights
emulate a solstice.

We're gonna go
12 hours with them on,

and then 12 hours with them off.

Did you know that
weed grows at night?

Now what do we do?

Now, we wait.

If it goes well, do you
think we could sell it?

We're gonna sell it
even if it doesn't go well!

But who would buy it?

I'd definitely buy this.

- You wanna sniff a nub?
- Nug.

- Nug.
- Nug.

- Nug.
- Don't mind if I do.

Holy sh*t, this is f*cking dank!

I know at least seven dudes
who'd buy this right now.

Then why don't you
sell it to them?

I mean, sure, I'm down.

Hey, maybe we can make enough
for you to buy your car!

Now we're talking, Grandma.

But with all the trimming,

we're gonna need
some extra hands.

More hands, you say?

'Sup, b*tches?

You old people bored?
I'm running a business.

Hey, l*sbian Biker Club over 60!

Polish Senior Bread Club!

You wanna join too?

Let's get busy!

All right.

Johnathan and Mary Jo...

Okay, I'm gonna have you guys
on labeling and packaging,

putting stickers on
those cookie tin cans.

We're calling it
Grandma's Jazz Cabbage.

And Jonah and Claire? Hi.

You guys are on extraction
duties in the kitchen,

so go and fire up
that oil machine.

And Doug and my sweet
Nora are our runners.

Yes, Li-Wei?

Are we selling drugs?

Drugs...

- Yes, Li-Wei.
- Just checking.

Anything else?

Can I sample the product?

No, you cannot
sample the product.

But I have glaucoma!

All right, let's do this.

We are officially in business!

We have an order
for two half-zips!

Six prerolls and the
special coconut oil!

One half-zip tin ready to fly.

32nd and Union!
You got it, bao bao?

I got it, Grandma!

How are the strap-ons?

Hey, everyone.

I called this meeting to say
we just sold our 100th ounce!

Now, now, now,

I normally don't do this, but...

Li-Wei, do you want
to try a sample?

Me? I... right here?

Sure!

This is not...

Of course not!
That's oregano!

I would never give free samples.

What are you, stupid?

Now get back to work!

This ain't a TedX Talk!

Wow, that risotto
was great, John-O.

Hey, thanks, bro.

I don't know why I ain't
talked to some of you guys

in, like, five years,
but it was real nice of you

to organize something for me.

Yeah, it was our pleasure, bro.

Well, Uncle Wally,
that's not all!

Because I prepared
something else.

Your love with Brenda is so
special and inspiring, so...

- here she is!
- What?

Hey, Wally!

I know you're probably
all partied out right now,

and you're having fun.

But I just wanted to
say how excited I am

to be spending
our lives together.

A lifetime full of
trust and support,

and through the
ups and the downs.

You have my heart, Wally Bear.
You have my heart.

I just love you.

Damon, turn it off.

Damon, turn it off, please!

What's wrong, Uncle Wally?

I don't know if there's gonna
be a wedding at this point.

She realized she was
out of your league?

I got fired from my job.

And I've been
working at Sam Ash.

I never told Brenda.

Uncle Wally, Brenda loves you.

She'll definitely understand.

She'll understand
that I'm a loser?

A liar, and I don't got
any future prospects?

Look at me!
I changed careers.

I used to be in tech,
and now I'm a B-list actor

who sometimes gets free
vanilla ice cream at diners.

I tried to tell her,
that I just got in too deep.

All right, you know what's
gonna make you feel better?

We get in the f*ck bus,
and we go to your Sam Ash,

and we each buy a guitar.

That way, you get
a whole bunch of commission,

and then we get to
noodle some baddies!

It's about time!

You call your...
Kia Sonata a "f*ck bus"?

Yes, sir. Yeah.

Who the hell are
all these people?

Grandma?

You got people working
here all day now, or...

Hidey-h*, Little Bo... Peep!

Hidey-h*.
I'm just trying to

talk to my grandma,
if you will...

Yeah, well, maybe you're
barking up the wrong boot-holio.

You catch my drift,
Taylor Swift?

Um, I'm just catching
these weird bully rhymes.

If you guys could maybe
just... thank you so much.

Thank you, ladies.

Nora!
I'm glad you're up early.

You have an entire
ounce to sell today.

Because you have an
entire facial tattoo on today.

Are you all right?

It's temporary...

for now.

But I'm gonna need you
to sell that ounce.

Okay?

About that.

I was maybe gonna
take the day off,

just hang out with Doug.

This is something
that we planned together.

Would you betray your
grandmother like that?

I don't think that doing
it tomorrow is betrayal.

Nora...

I'd really love it
if you did it today.

We're business partners.

You wouldn't want to do
bad business, would you?

Why don't you shake
a little tail feather

and get me my brick?

Okay, bao bao?

Man, it's crazy how
quick it makes people insane.

Homegirl has gone full El Chapo.

She's not far from
k*lling without guilt.

God, I hope not!

Well, I'mma take
off for the day.

You're leaving me?

Yeah, bro, I got
Spanish class in an hour!

You got Spanish class?

- Sí señor!
- Hey!

You guys are the plug, right?

You're Robert Heidel?

I put a white dude's
name as my alias

so no one would trace
it back to my IP.

Smart.

You guys just free balling
your identity out here?

Not necessarily...
free balling.

I have a different user name...

Whatever, bro.
Just sell me the stuff.

I'm not trying to wait
'til my 17th birthday.

Okay, wait, no.
We cannot sell to this kid.

Why not?

First of all,
she's kind of a b*tch.

Number two,
she's not even 17 yet.

And...

She's kind of like a younger me.

A younger version of me
that hasn't been ruined by weed.

Have you seen Euphoria?

Weed is the least
of her problems.

Me? What am I even doing?

I'm selling weed
outside of my workplace!

What are you? A DARE ad?
Just hurry it up!

I've gotta get to SAT prep!

She has SAT prep!
She's a b*tch!

Did they even have SATs
when y'all went to high school?

'Cause you're giving
"I was born in 1985."

- You little b*tch.
- Excuse me!

We're not that old.
We had SATs in high school.

- Kumon.
- We also had the Kumon.

We had the calculator.

We got the TV's
that you wheel in.

We had the And1 sweatsuits.
We had it all!

You know what? No.

I am not going to
compromise my morality,

and I don't care
what you or my grandma...

- Ooh! What...
- Loser!

You little...

You okay?

My labia majora's
swelling in my throat!

Kicked you right in the webbles.

b*tch!

Holy sh*t, Wall Man!

This place is awesome!

I can't believe you work here.

And I get 15 percent off.

Only 15?

Hey fellas, check this out.

This Gibson just came in.

Nice!

This is the only other lady
I would give it all up for.

Seriously, ain't she a beaut?

So guitars are female to you?

Yeah?

Wally?

Hey!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
on your bachelor party.

Well, we were.

I just brought the fellas
in to look at guitars.

Do you like that one?

Because I was gonna get
you one for a wedding present,

but look, I ruined the surprise.

Hey, I need to
tell ya something.

What is it?

I work here.

I've been working
here for two months.

Since I got fired.

Wally, you got fired?

And you didn't tell me?

I...

I thought you might
judge me or something.

Judge you?

My son's a DJ.

I make f*cked-up
art for a living.

Yeah, I should've told you.
I don't know what...

I can't believe you
would think of me like that.

No, I don't think
of you like that.

You've been lying to
me for two months?

No, just let me explain,
like, start from the beginning...

No.

I don't wanna talk right now.

I really liked this.

- Bren, come on.
- No.

Hey, bros, how's it going?

Do you have any questions?
Can I help you find anything?

Wally, I didn't realize
you were working today.

I'm not working today, Patrick.

Take a swig.

It's just milk.

Brown bagging it with your milk?

You know what?
I can't do this anymore.

I have to say something.

Yeah, nope!

What the f*ck?

What...

What's going on here?

These jerks say
I stole their plants.

You did steal their plants.

See? I told you.

Who are you guys?

Hi, I'm Xavier, and
this is Jaxon, both with an X.

What are you doing here?

We moved here
after we graduated Bard in '07,

and we had a little
arts collective in Bushwick.

And we started
this zine monthly,

where we featured
a ton of cool artists.

Okay...

Enough, Xavier,
you suck at storytelling.

Look, lady, we just want to get
our mother plants back, okay?

We took a long time creating
this crossbreed, hybrid,

and a little birdie told us
about Grandma's Jazz Cabbage,

so we tracked your
sales to here.

Who snitched? Aah!

Li-Wei! Why, I oughta...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Grandma, what has
gotten into you?

Seriously!
You've gone mad.

We're mad too!

We don't wanna go
back to the zine biz!

I don't wanna go back
to feeling useless.

Grandma...

You're not useless.

Look, you built a
crazy, ill*gal...

really systematically
f*cked-up drug empire.

You look so cute,

like a little criminal
snow leopard or something.

- And your tattoo looks great.
- Thank you.

You're not useless.

Gonna "yes, and"
that and just say

that we couldn't have
gotten them this big before.

Yeah, but we still
want the plants back.

Okay, okay, okay.
How about this?

We'll give you...
We'll give you the plants.

We'll give you the
secret ingredient.

But you have to let us
keep the money,

and we never see you guys again.

Side chat.

Sounds good to us!

All you guys said
was "sss" to each other.

Sounds good to me.

And here's our
secret ingredient.

What is it?

Some ancient, mystical
Chinese herbal powder?

It's from CVS, you r*cist hobo.

Yeah, that's r*cist.

Now get out of my
house, all of you!

- Get out of here!
- Okay!

Get the
hell out of here!

Li-Wei, especially you!

- Bye, Li-Wei.
- Yeah.

Nice, Grandma.

You're wearing damn
shoes in the house.

You're wearing damn
shoes in the house!

You got little
high-heeled booties on,

click-clacking like
Big Bird out here.

Yeah, it's cute?

Yeah, it's cute.
Your whole outfit is cute.

Yeah, well, take off
your g*dd*mn shoes.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, are you gonna take
off your shoes, though?

- Yeah, later.
- Okay.

I can tap dance.

- Hey, bao bao!
- Hey.

I got something for you.

Holy f*cking sh*t, Grandma!

You think this is enough to
buy that car you wanna f*ck?

Mandy?

Man, I can't
take all that, though.

Well, let's just say
it's my way of an apology

for making you chop up a brick.

Thanks, Grandma.

And I also just wanna say, um...

I'm really proud of you.

Yeah, I know.

- So, should we?
- Hell yeah!

Who the
is Awkwafina?