[fireworks exploding]
[Greg] It's hard to imagine two people
more different than me and my dad.
So, whoever came up with the saying,
"like father, like son,"
never met the two of us.
For instance, I've been trying
to take it easy over the holiday break
and I like to stay in bed until I can't
stand the taste of my breath anymore.
[exhales, sniffs]
-[demonic laughter]
-Eh.
But my dad's one of those guys who likes
to get up at the crack of dawn
and start getting things done.
-[screams]
-[whistles]
[Greg] Once I'm out of bed,
I'm one of those people that
likes to ease into their morning.
And for me, that means spending a few
minutes warming up over the heating vent.
-[sighs in relief, chuckles]
-Huh?
[Greg] But I guess my dad's just
not wired the same way.
-[Frank] Hmm.
-[screams, teeth clattering]
[Greg] Even on Christmas day,
Dad goes into full drill sergeant mode.
And I know he just wants
to be on time for church.
But there's gotta be a better way
to get your kid moving.
[screams, grumbles]
So, my plan is to stay out of my dad's way
as much as possible,
because the combination
of the two of us just isn't working.
-[wind howling]
-[ticking]
I don't know what's taking Greg so long.
All he has to do is put on clothes.
Don't worry.
I'm sure he'll be out in a moment.
Careful not to get chocolate
on your church clothes, Manny.
[chomping] Mmm, Santa! [chomps]
I don't know why we have to wear
fancy clothes to church.
I mean, who are we tryin'
to impress, anyway?
Some of us have to wear clothes
like these every day, you know?
Yeah, I'm not gonna get one of those jobs
where you have to dress up like a nerd.
And what kind of job
are you plannin' on having, Rodrick?
I don't know.
Gravedigger, ticket scalper, pirate.
Wait, do you have to get
good grades for that?
'Cause my last report card
was a little shaky.
He really should be out by now.
You know what?
Maybe I should go check on him.
Relax, dear.
But if Greg doesn't come out soon,
we're not getting a seat.
Wait. We might have to stand?
-[groans softly]
-[car honking]
[Frank] Are you crazy?
[screaming] Yo, Greg, let's go!
-[car honking]
-Huh?
Whoops!
Whoa! [groans]
[yelps, groans]
[grunting] Come on.
[footsteps thumping]
Oops. [chuckles nervously]
-Finally.
-Hurry up!
-Sorry. I was having trouble with my tie.
-Yeah.
I'll help you with that
when we get to church.
-Stop!
-[Manny] h*, h*, h*!
-Manny!
-[Manny laughs mischievously]
[Frank] Okay, come on. Just hop in.
-Okay, off we go.
-[Susan] Wait!
-[grunts] What?
-Greg, where's your coat?
Oh, he's fine, Susan. Look, we gotta move.
He'll catch a cold.
Now, run back inside and go get it.
But I locked the door.
How am I supposed to get in the house?
-[sighs] With a key.
-A key?
What am I supposed to do with that?
-You just turn it in the deadbolt.
-A deadbolt?
-And please hurry.
-Yeah!
This oughta be good. [chomps]
[Suspenseful music playing]
Okay, here we go.
-[clinking]
-Uh...
Has this kid really never used
a key before?
-Bro...
-[both chuckle]
[grunting]
-[sighs wearily]
-[car honks]
You know what?
I'll go get the coat, Susan.
Frank, it'll only take Greg a second,
honey.
[sighs wearily] Did I really
never teach him to use a key?
[groans] Turn already! Come on!
Ah-ha! Hey, I did it.
See? You just needed to believe in him.
Hmm.
-[clicking]
-[groans]
Come on! [grunting]
-What the...
-Stupid door.
[grunting]
[whooshes, clatters]
-[screams]
-[screams]
Aw, man! [grunts]
[groans softly]
-Oh, Bubby.
-[both laugh]
[sighs] I'll be right back.
So, we're staying home, right?
[engine roaring]
-Whoa!
-[all screaming]
-[Manny laughing]
-[tires screeching]
-[car honks]
-Hey, watch it, road hog!
-[Manny laughs]
-[tires screeching]
Hold on!
-[screaming]
-[Manny] Yeah!
-[people screaming]
-[man 1] Hey, we're walkin' here.
[man 2] Drive much?
[woman] Way to spread holiday cheer,
Heffleys!
-Uh, Merry Christmas, neighbors.
-[man 3] Yeah, hi.
[Frank groaning] See?
There aren't any spots left.
[Susan gasping] Ooh, Frank, there's one.
And the Warrens just took it.
[Frank] Of course, they did.
[Greg] The Warren family. Mr. Warren works
at the same company as my dad,
-What?
-[Greg] but he's a few rungs
higher up on the ladder than my father.
[chorus singing] Hallelujah!
[Greg] They're also
our next-door neighbors.
No matter what we do,
they're always one-upping our family.
[teeth clattering]
[video game beeping, chirrups]
[Greg] And I've got nothing
against Weston,
but he's always making me look bad.
-Yeah!
-Way to stick the landing, son.
[grunting]
Come on. There's gotta be
a spot somewhere. Come on, spot.
Where's a spot? Uh, come on. [gasps]
We did it, guys! We made it!
[church bells tolling]
More or less.
Come on, team, we can still make it.
[panting]
[laughs heartily]
-Look at Bubby's butt!
-Greg, what happened to your pants?
Huh? [groaning] I must've sat
on Manny's Chocolate Santa.
[sighing] Greg, you gotta be kidding me.
You know what? It's fine.
I'm sure no one will notice.
What? I'm not going in there
looking like this.
Hold on. I have wet wipes in my purse.
Mom, cut it out. You're making it worse!
-[Susan] Just hold still.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-This is the next Lded Diper album cover.
-[camera shutter clicks]
-[chuckles]
-[bell tolling]
Come on. The service is about to start.
-[Rodrick] Here. You can wear my pants.
-[laughs]
I'll hang back in the car
and take one for the team.
Nice try, Rodrick. Put your pants back on
and just make sure nobody sees you...
[Mr. Warren] Merry Christmas, Heffleys.
-Oh, dear.
-Lookin'... sharp.
Uh, let me know if I can help, Susan.
[sighs wearily] Merry Christmas, Warrens.
Wow, you blew right past us on the road.
I'm surprised that bucket of bolts
could move that fast.
-Ain't I right, Wes?
-Uh... Yeah. [chuckles softly]
Yeah, well, you...
you work with what you have.
-[church bell tolling]
-All right, Speedy.
Race you to the last seat.
Wait till you see Weston's
fifty-yard dash. Come on, Weston!
[sighs wearily] We'll be right behind you.
[Mr. Warren] Come on.
Keep up the pace, Weston.
[sighs]
[church bell tolls]
Wait! I got a shortcut.
But what about Greg's pants?
There's no time.
Just cover it up with something.
-Like what?
-Doesn't matter. Let's go.
Now!
[Organ playing, "Joy to the World"]
[indistinct chatter]
-[Music concludes]
-Mmm-hmm.
[priest] On this beautiful
Christmas morning,
it's wonderful looking out
over our blessed congregation.
-[doorknob rattling]
-[priest yelps]
[woman] What?
-Way to make an entrance.
-[people grumble]
-[man] Christmas miracle.
-[priest] Uh...
-Christmas is a time of beginnings.
-[chuckles nervously]
All right, everybody. Come on, let's go.
-And it's not just about giving gifts.
-Okay, Susan, Manny,
-Rodrick, and...
-It's about enjoying the special time
-that you have with your family.
-No way.
-Oh, no, you don't!
-No, you can't make me do this!
-[grunting] Yes, I can! Come on. Greg!
-[grunts]
-When the wise men follow the stars,
-[Greg] No.
-Blindly into the abyss.
-How embarrassing.
[priest] They rose above them. They knew.
They knew what they were doing.
-They knew...
-Hurry up. Everybody's watching.
[priest] They followed that light,
-because they knew at the end of that...
-[grunting]
[yelping]
-Whoa!
-[all gasping]
-Oh, my gosh!
-Is that...
[laughing]
Somebody's gotta clean that up.
[harmonic wailing, yelps]
-[all gasping]
-Yikes!
Glad that's not our boy.
It's Christmas, Walt.
-[exhales]
-[indistinct praying]
I'm out.
[sighs] Greg. Okay, we're leaving.
[yelps] Chocolate Santa! [wailing] No!
[man] Okay. It's all over.
[chuckles nervously]
Interruptions don't disrupt the spirit.
They just remind us that we're all human.
-[shudders]
-Yikes!
Is this heaven?
-Oh! There you are.
-[yelps]
I've been lookin' all over for you.
I should've known you'd be down here
playin' with your toys.
Careful! These aren't toys, Susan.
They're accurate, one-sixteenth scaled
miniature Revolutionary w*r figurines.
Boy, you're a little testy today.
Something on your mind?
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, hon. I just can't
get over what happened on Christmas.
Frank, that was three days ago.
Greg sat in chocolate.
Let's not make
a mountain out of a molehill.
Yeah, well... well, Greg has a talent
for spinning disasters outta thin air.
But no, th... that's not even
what's bothering me.
Susan, our middle schooler
didn't even know how to use a key.
And now he does. So, what's the big deal?
No, Susan, it's... If he didn't know
how to use a key... [stutters]
...what else haven't I taught him?
I just feel like I don't know how to be
the father a kid like Greg needs.
I feel like I'm failing him.
Well, Greg might have
a few surprises up his sleeve.
Did you know that he's startin' a snow
removal business with his friend Rowley?
A snow removal business?
But Greg won't even shovel our driveway.
Why don't you go check on the boys
and bring them some hot cocoa?
Uh... sure. But wait. Wait, wait, wait.
What's Greg calling
this business of his anyway?
[man] "Beefcake Snow Removal?" Hmm.
Pamper yourself with
our award-winning service.
[grunting]
[grunts]
[chuckles nervously] That is,
Beefcake Snow Removal
comes with many five-star reviews
from loyal customers.
But we haven't had any... [yelps]
So, uh, when do we start?
-Not today.
-Now beat it, punk!
Oh, uh, sorry. That's our only flyer.
-[chuckles nervously]
-[grunts]
[grunts] There's gotta be someone around
here who needs their driveway shoveled.
I thought this flyer would work for sure.
Hmm.
Maybe I should've made my biceps bigger.
Do we have to keep doing this?
Me and my dad are supposed
to go shopping today.
We gotta get our camping gear
for the Icy Pines Campout.
The Icy Pines Campout?
Really? You're still doing that?
Yeah. Do you wanna come?
The Woodchippers are tryin'
to recruit new members?
Uh, spending the weekend in a nylon tent
with my father in the freezing cold
is like my worst nightmare.
Well, my dad's my best friend.
Uh, second best, I mean, after you.
Hello, Greg Heffley.
Do you wanna play with me
and my snow friends?
[laughs maliciously]
Maybe later, Fregley.
[whispering] Let's get out of here.
-[yelps]
-You know where to find us. [laughs]
[panting, sighs]
Okay. So, let me get this straight.
You actually spent time with your dad?
Like, on purpose?
Yeah. My dad's been
helpin' me earn my merit badges.
And if I work extra hard,
maybe one day I can become...
A Woodchipper Elite!
[vocalizing trumpet music]
[Angelic music playing]
Great job, Rowley. I love you.
Aw. I love you too, Dad.
Yeah, that sounds like a lot of effort
just to get a stupid patch.
Can't you just buy a used one
online or something?
-Of course, you can't!
-[Mrs. Canfield groaning]
-You have to...
-Wait. What's that?
[groans] There goes my back again.
-It's Mrs. Canfield.
-Maybe we should go help her.
Are you kidding me?
This is a business, not a charity.
Mrs. Canfield! Are you familiar with
the Beefcake Snow Removal service?
[growling]
Don't worry.
Puddles just had his rabies shot.
-[groans]
-Baby. [cooing]
Careful. You know how Mrs. Canfield
is about her Christmas stuff.
-Sorry.
-There, there, sweet boy.
[chuckles nervously]
We don't wanna give her
any reason to dock our pay.
But this wet snow is so heavy.
Maybe we should wait
and let it melt a little.
No, we've gotta finish this job today.
We just need to figure out a way
to make this go quicker.
-Does she have a snow blower?
-No luck.
But she's got something
that's just as good.
-[sighs] How do we turn this thing on?
-I don't know.
Maybe this is the power button?
-[lawn mower rattles]
-[coughs]
Come on, Rowley.
If you're gonna work for me, you've gotta
know how to do stuff like this.
Work for you? I thought we were partners.
Partners? I'm management, Rowley.
You're Labor. Different levels.
Well, I'm not doing this
unless we get paid the same.
Look, we can talk about adjusting your pay
after your six-month review.
But right now, this conversation
is cutting into your break time.
Oh, yeah? Well, good luck doing this by
yourself. I'm going shopping with my dad.
Wait, Rowley! I'll give you
a three-percent raise
and a holiday bonus. Oh! Come on!
What's got my whubby all upset?
[growling]
[chuckles nervously]
Okay. How do we start this thing?
-[thumps]
-Mmm. Ah-ha!
-[motor sputtering]
-[grunting]
-[grunts]
-[motor whirring]
Yes! Here we go.
-[chuckles softly]
-[barking]
That's a good boy.
-[gasps]
-[Puddles barking]
-[clinking]
-Oops!
All right. Not bad, but way too slow.
Let's see what this bad boy can do.
-[motor roaring]
-Whoa!
[gasps] Carnage! Yay! [chuckles excitedly]
Whoa!
-[man singing] Silent Night
-[muffled screaming]
[gags, gasps]
Whoa!
-[gasps]
-[barking]
[Greg] No! Bad boy, go away!
[growling]
-[chomps]
-[screams]
-[screams]
-[motor roaring]
[groans, screams]
[whimpering]
-[yelps]
-[motor roaring]
[screaming]
[yelping]
Oof!
[yelps]
-[gasps]
-[yelps]
[muffled] No!
[Triumphant music playing]
[Music stops abruptly]
[barking]
Hey, Greg! I brought you boys
some hot cocoa... Oh, no!
[chuckles nervously]
-[chomps]
-[yelps]
[Frank sighing]
Oh, great. We're missing the bolt.
-Greg, find the bolt!
-Okay, okay. I'm looking.
So, do you think I should give
Mrs. Canfield a discount or something?
[sighing] Greg, what were you thinking?
-Mowing the snow?
-I was just tryin' to get it done quicker.
And look at where
taking a shortcut got you.
You're gonna have to figure out a way
to undo all this damage.
Oh.
But first, we gotta fix this mower.
And we can't attach the blade
if we can't find the bolt.
Huh?
Ah! [grunting, exclaiming] Whoo! [grunts]
-You lookin' for this, Mr. Heffley?
-Oh, yeah, actually. Thanks.
Sorry. Do... Do I know you?
I should hope so.
I'm Lenwood, from Whirley Street.
Wait a minute. Lenwood? Not Lenwood Heath?
Yes, sir. One and the same.
[Greg] The guy standing before us
was Lenwood Heath,
who used to be one of the biggest
troublemakers in our neighborhood.
-[Lenwood laughs mischievously]
-[whistles]
[Greg] And a few years back,
he used to toilet paper our house
every Friday night.
Curse you, Lenwood Heath!
Take that, old man! [laughs mischievously]
[Greg] Then one day,
Lenwood was just gone,
and nobody's seen him since.
At least until now.
I guess I can't blame you
for not recognizing me.
Spag Union's changed me a lot.
Spag Union, huh? Is that, like,
some sort of private school?
Uh, it's much more than that, Mr. Heffley.
It's a military academy.
Cadets sleep in barracks and are up
at the crack of dawn for fitness drills.
[electricity crackling]
[grunts] It's where I changed
from an unmotivated slacker
to the man you see here before you.
Ooh! Now that's a beefcake.
[Puddles barks, growls excitedly]
-[barking]
-Aw. Here you go, little buddy.
[grunts, exclaims]
You know, I can always put in a good word
for Greg, if you'd like.
Spag Union's always looking for raw clay
to mold into strong men.
Yeah, that's really not necessary.
Oh, gotta run.
It was a pleasure seeing you gentlemen.
Whoo!
Spag Union. Huh.
Oh, boy.
[Drill Sergeant] Tradition. Leadership.
Character building.
These are the principals that
guide our mission at Spag Union.
When you send your child to Spag Union,
you're entrusting us
to help them reach their potential.
At Spag Union, we believe strict rules
and regulations help build character
and create confident young men.
Aimless days of playing video games
and reading comic books
are replaced by days
full of strenuous physical activity...
[muffled yelling]
[Drill Sergeant] ...that begin
before the crack of dawn.
We're confident that our time-tested
methods will shape your son...
Mmm-hmm.
...into the man he's destined to become.
-Hut! Hut!
-Hmm.
Spag Union.
Because your child's future is worth it.
And there you go. Pretty cool, right?
Nuh-uh. No way. I wouldn't survive
the first day at a place like that.
I admit you might be
a little uncomfortable at first,
but I'm sure you'll adjust.
But that place probably has open showers.
I can't do open showers.
Oh, I'm sure it can't be that bad, Greg.
We'll break your son down
and build him back up.
-Manny, stop it!
-Ha!
Uh, Mom, help me out here.
He's got a point, Frank.
I can't see us sending Greg off
to an expensive boarding school.
We can barely afford
name-brand peanut butter.
Uh, we would be investing
in our son, Susan.
A school like this could teach him
valuable life lessons.
Life lessons, Susan.
Well, life lessons are important.
You should send Rodrick there instead.
He needs this way more than I do.
Nah, it's too late to change me.
My personality's locked-in.
[belches]
Our job is to make up
for your parenting deficiencies.
Uh, okay, but what if I can
teach myself life lessons?
Well, these skills are hard, Greg.
And you can't learn them
without proper instruction.
Um... Uh... Um...
[gasps]
Actually, I've been thinking
about joining the Woodchippers.
They teach you all this
self-improvement stuff.
Oh. The Woodchippers, huh?
You were a Woodchipper when you were
Greg's age, weren't you, Frank?
Really? Dad, I didn't know that.
Yeah, I... [stutters]
...for a little while.
Well, this is perfect.
What if I could become Woodchipper Elite?
Then would I have to go to Spag Union?
A... A Woodchipper Elite?
Wow, Greg, you know that's no joke.
Nobody in my grade ever earned that rank.
But what if Greg could become
a Woodchipper Elite?
Would that change your mind
about sendin' him to Spag Union?
Yeah, I don't think
he can pull this off on his own.
Especially not before
the Spag Union registration deadline.
Well, why would he have to do it
on his own
when his father will be right there
with him...
[echoing] ...every step of the way.
[in normal voice] You got this, Dad.
Go get 'em, Greg.
So, uh... when do we get started?
[groans]
[Trumpet blasts]
[indistinct chatter]
All right, not bad. Uh...
You know what, Weston? That, uh...
That fox is lookin' more like a dog.
[chuckles softly]
-You can fix it real quick. Come on.
-I'm trying, Dad.
Hey, Fregley,
what you got goin' over here?
[growls]
-Huh? Okay. That is a little terrifying.
-[chuckles softly]
Ouch! I got a splinter!
I told you that would happen. This is why
you should be using soap instead of wood.
Look, it's a sheep! [mimicking bleats]
All right, I found some extra supplies
in the back.
-Let's get started.
-Eh. I'm good with soap.
-[sighs wearily]
-I don't know if you heard,
whittling requires wood, young man.
Well, yeah. That's what I'm tryin'
to tell him, Troopmaster Barrett.
I seem to recall a certain young wood
chip per who also liked to cut corners.
Didn't you turn in a store-bought wood
carvin' to try to earn your badge, Frank?
Yeah, well, I... I couldn't get the hang
of the whole whittling thing.
One sec. Troopmaster Barrett was
in charge when you were a Woodchipper?
Yeah. And he was just as strict
about badge requirements back then.
No one said the Path
to Woodchipper Elite was easy.
The real work comes here.
Orienteering, knot tying, rock climbing,
home repair, ventriloquism.
[gasps, laughs mischievously]
[Master Barrett] And
the Path to Woodchipper Elite
isn't complete until you've earned
the most difficult badge of them all!
Wilderness Survival.
Which can only be earned
at the Icy Pines Campout.
Frank, you're in charge of signing off
on Greg's badge requirements.
-Think you can handle that?
-[sighs wearily]
Yes, sir, Troopmaster Barrett, sir.
[yelps]
All right. Better get crackin'. You've got
a lotta catchin' up to do, you two.
Do you wanna be
my special wilderness buddy?
[laughs mischievously]
[people grunting]
[grunting]
Huh?
Okay,
I think we've covered the requirements
for the Physical Fitness badge.
No, we haven't scratched the surface
on the requirements, Greg.
The manual says you have
to be able to do a hundred push-ups
and run a mile in under six minutes.
And that's just for starters.
Yeah, but can't you just say
I did all that stuff
so we can move on to something else?
You have a responsibility
to complete them, Greg.
Plus, I promised Troopmaster Barrett that
I wouldn't sign off until
they've actually been done.
Uh...
Now come on, hop on that fitness ball
and let's get sweatin'.
[rhythmic grunting]
Yo, Heffley! Heads up!
[yelps, groans softly]
Ooh. Sorry. I thought you could handle it.
Give me a little warning next time.
Uh... What's with the bouncy ba*ls?
They're called stability ba*ls,
and they're used to build up your balance
and core strength.
All right, no need to get defensive.
You guys do you. Me and Weston
are gonna go hit the treadmill.
My boy's gotta build up
his endurance for winter soccer.
We could always use a backup goalie, Greg.
-Uh... Yeah, I'm good.
-All right, good talk.
Hmm. Winter soccer, huh?
What do you think, Greg?
Being a part of a team sport is one
of the Physical Fitness requirements.
Yeah, I'm kinda focused
on building muscle right now.
So, I'm gonna go hit the weights,
pump a little iron.
Great idea. I'm gonna hit the head
and then I'll come spot you.
Okay, party people. I wanna see you sweat.
Let's pick it up. You got this.
[man grunting] I'm not sweaty,
I'm sparkling.
[woman] You know how ridiculous
we all look?
[grunting]
-[yelps, gags]
-Whoa!
-Let me help you with that, sir.
-[straining] Help.
Ah-ha! It looks like you might've put
too much weight on this.
[yelping] Whoa!
Beautiful. Don't give up.
Whoa!
[all yelping]
[yelping]
[water flushes]
-Huh? Greg?
-[chuckles sheepishly]
I don't see you sweating!
[school bell ringing]
[Greg] Last night was a disaster.
Did I tell you they permanently banned me
and my dad from the gym?
Hey, Greg. That was wild
at the gym last night.
Yeah, uh, sorry about that.
Then how are you gonna earn
your Physical Fitness badge?
I just need to change my strategy.
Get a few easy wins,
and then tackle the hard stuff later.
But if I don't start
knocking down these badges,
I'm gonna spend the next four years
at a military academy.
But you can't leave me behind
with these people!
Then help me figure out
how I can earn these badges.
Patty for Treasurer. Can I count
on your vote, Greg Heffley?
[Greg] Ugh! Patty Farrell.
She and I go way back.
In the sixth grade,
Patty was the class monitor,
so she was in charge
when the teacher left the room.
And she'd never let
anyone use the restroom.
May I please be excused?
-Hmm. I don't think so.
-[groans]
So I decided to pay her back
in what people are still calling
The Wizard of Oz incident.
And even though I was
just tryin' to have a little fun,
the principal banned school plays
for the year.
[growling, snarling]
[Greg] And I don't think
Patty's gotten over it yet.
Scrumptious! [chuckles]
So, are you voting for me or not?
Whoa, easy with the lollipops, Patty.
-Here you go, Rowley.
-Thanks, Patty.
-So, when are these elections?
-Uh, tomorrow.
Did you not notice all my posters?
Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm just
not that interested in politics.
If you can't bother to fulfill your
basic duties as a good citizen,
you don't deserve this.
Patty for Treasurer!
-All right! Passion fruit!
-Mmm.
Hmm.
Hey! I found another gym
twenty minutes from here.
I'm pretty sure they haven't heard
about what happened last night.
Here you go, sweetie.
Hopefully some of these still work.
-Thanks, Mom.
-What is this,
some sort of arts and crafts project?
I thought I'd circle back to the
physical fitness stuff later on.
I'm gonna earn my leadership badge,
and that starts by getting elected
to Student Council.
Weren't you on Student Council?
Well, yeah. I was Class Treasurer.
Wait till you see my poster.
[objects clattering]
Ah-ha! Found it!
Okay, well, you two
fellow treasurers have fun.
Ah! This one got me elected
in seventh grade.
Look at that handsome guy.
[Greg] "Bank on Frank?"
Pretty cool, right? Huh?
Because it rhymes. [laughs exultantly]
People eat that stuff up.
Right. Sorry, I just don't think that
would work on kids these days.
Well, suit yourself,
just don't go negative.
What do you mean, "go negative?"
Politics has gotten way too nasty, Greg.
Nowadays it's all just
a race to the bottom.
That's it! I think I know how I can win.
Well, great! How about
I help with your posters?
You know what? You deserve
a little time to yourself.
-I'm all set with this.
-All right.
Well, I'll be working on my Revolutionary
w*r diorama downstairs if anyone needs me.
Thanks again.
Susan, I think I actually might be
starting to reach him.
-Good job, honey.
-[sighs in relief]
[Greg] "Don't get
the Patty Farrell Touch?"
You know, like the Cheese Touch.
Remember the Cheese?
[child] The Cheese Touch!
Yeah, I remember.
No one will wanna vote for her
if she has the Patty Farrell touch!
But this is so mean.
Look, Rowley, if you wanna actually win,
you gotta be willing
to get down in the mud.
But a Woodchipper
is supposed to be morally clean.
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
Look, you don't want me
to go to Spag Union, do ya?
You can get in trouble for these.
That's what's so genius about my campaign.
My name's not on any of these posters.
The only way they'd find out is if
they literally caught me putting one up.
Now, hand me some tape.
-[growling]
-[gasps]
-[chuckles nervously]
-Busted!
You got this, Greg!
[grunting]
[grunts]
-[grunts]
-[all laughing]
First time in detention?
I haven't seen you around here before.
Yeah. But I don't belong here.
Welcome to the club.
Every single person in here is innocent.
Innocent? Leon Rickett threw a dictionary
through a window in homeroom.
[rhythmic grunting, grunts]
I don't deserve to be in here
with these future criminals!
-[grunts]
-Uh...
-No offense, Leon.
-[grunts]
So, what'd they nail you for? Vandalism?
Arson? Fighting on school property?
Nothing like that. I just made some
Student Council posters they didn't like.
Huh. Politics. It's a dirty business.
[sighs] It's just that my dad
already thinks I'm a screw-up.
And if he finds out about this, then he's
gonna send me to Spag Union for sure.
-Spag Union?
-[shushes, stutters] Who said that?
[grunts]
-That place will eat you alive.
-Yeah, no kidding.
Well, what if I had something
that could turn things around
between you and your pops?
-What do you mean?
-Let's just say
I've got access to some materials
I've collected in my five years here.
You've been in middle school
for five years?
Hey, practice makes perfect.
"Student of the Week?"
Where'd you even get this?
That's not important. What's important
is that you make things
right with you and your dad.
Wait, what would something like that cost?
One bumper sticker for one lunch snack.
I've got a real sweet tooth.
I don't know. That's pretty steep.
Oh, that's all right.
I've got plenty of other customers who
need to score points on the home front.
Okay, done!
I'll give you my snack tomorrow.
Oh, yeah, I should've mentioned.
There's just one catch.
To do the deal, you gotta
buy the whole pack of fifty.
-One snack per sticker.
-Fifty?
Hey! Who said that!
[grunts] Slackers!
But that would be all my snacks
for the rest of the school year.
Hey, nobody said impressing your old man
was gonna be cheap.
-So, what's it gonna be?
-Uh, um...
[Frank] "Student of the Week?" [gasps]
This is unbelievable.
What did you do to earn this, Greg?
Well, I've been trying to step up
my game at school.
I guess somebody finally noticed.
-I'd say!
-[Manny exclaiming excitedly]
Just don't put it on a notebook,
this thing's a bully magnet.
-Mine.
-We could put it on the van.
The van? But that's already
covered in bumper stickers.
No, this deserves a place of honor.
Ooh! Stickers! [chuckles]
-[gasps]
-Aw!
Actually, I really don't wanna show off.
I'd like to stay humble.
An accomplishment like this
is worth bragging about, Greg.
And hey, it looks like this earns you
your Scholarship merit badge.
And that gets you a signature.
And if you're elected Class Treasurer,
you've got Leadership in the bag.
[chuckles nervously]
Fingers crossed on that one.
Maybe your accomplishments
will inspire other people in the family
to step up their game.
-[both] Hmm.
-[chuckles]
What are y'all lookin' at?
You've got the ball rollin' now, Greg.
What do you say we knock through
the rest of the badges together?
Together? Um, uh... That's okay.
I perform better when I'm flying solo.
Are you kidding?
We're partners in this, son.
From now on,
we're gonna be attached at the hip.
Great.
Trust me at first, I wasn't crazy
about spending so much time with my dad.
-[both grunting]
-[groans]
Because I'm the kinda person
who needs his space.
No, Greg. Okay. Your pulling it.
[Greg] But once my dad gets excited about
something, he's like a dog with a bone.
-Whoa! No, no, no!
-Whoa!
[laughs]
[Greg] So, I could tell I needed
to do things his way and push through it.
Even though things can get a little
uncomfortable from time to time...
-Yes!
-[groans softly]
[Greg] ...at least we're having
some fun trying.
I've gotta admit, it doesn't been all bad.
I don't wanna get too corny or anything...
-[groans softly]
-...but maybe we're actually starting
-to get the hang of this father-son thing.
-[both laugh]
Easy. They have a tight grip,
so you just gotta angle it in there.
[Greg] Oh, sh**t!
-Sorry.
-Ah. Don't worry about it.
He can be the scout on the lookout
for the rebel army.
I think you should put these cannons up
on this hill with these guys.
They'd have a better chance
against these other guys.
Well, the Seventh Regiment
didn't have cannons.
That's what made the Continental Army's
victory against the British
so much more significant.
They never gave up
in the face of a challenge.
So, why do you like doing this so much?
Well, when I'm working on my diorama,
I feel like I'm in control,
and I don't always
feel that way in real life.
I guess it's my way
of making sense of things.
Huh. Yeah, I get that.
So, what did you come
down here for anyway?
-Are you working on your Hobbying badge?
-Nah. I just wanted to hang out.
Oh, yeah, I did wanna show you something.
Safety Patrol? Is this
for your Citizenship badge?
Yep, it's one of the last big ones I've
gotta earn to get to Woodchipper Elite.
Yeah, you're gettin' pretty close by now.
By the time the Icy Pines Campout
rolls around,
I'll bet the only badge you'll have left
is Wilderness Survival.
Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.
After everything you've accomplished son,
that one will be a piece of cake.
Huh? Looks like they gave you
a hand-me-down vest.
Yeah. Rowley got a used one, too.
That's what you get for joining
in the middle of the year, I guess.
So what intersection
did they put you two in charge of?
Actually, Mrs. Winsky put us in charge of
walking the kindergarteners to school.
So, diaper duty, basically.
Hey, that's a lotta responsibility.
Mrs. Winsky must see
somethin' special in you.
Now, just promise me you boys
will keep those kids outta harm's way.
[Greg] Yes, sir!
At ease, soldier. And dismissed.
[both laugh]
Later, Dad.
Huh. That was nice.
No!
Come on!
[alarm buzzing]
[yawning]
Go get 'em, son.
You got it, Dad.
I'm all over it.
[groaning]
[indistinct chatter, singing]
Petey, one hand on the rope, please.
Let's keep it to the sidewalk.
I think we should ask Mrs. Winsky
for a new assignment.
We shouldn't be in charge
of all these kids.
I just need to do this for a few days
so I can fulfill
my Public Safety requirements,
then we can quit.
My dad's been signing off on this stuff
left and right.
Did your dad ever find out
you got detention?
No, and he can't find out!
Right now, I'm a lock
for getting out of Spag Union,
-and I can't do anything to mess that up.
-[grunting]
Greg? I think Mikey might need
to go to the bathroom.
Mikey, we talked about this.
You're supposed to save
your juice box for snack time.
Look, Rowley, you're gonna
have to turn around
and take Mikey home
so he can use the potty.
But then I'd be late for school.
Why can't you do it?
I already got detention once this quarter.
And if you get it a second time,
the school calls your home.
-[all groaning]
-Greg!
Seriously, guys? We can't
take our eyes off you for one second?
[children laughing]
[Greg] This is disgusting.
There are worms in this slop.
[children gasping] Worm!
No! Don't run away!
-[groans softly]
-[children screaming]
-[both] No!
-[car honking]
Is that my dad?
U can't touch this
-Rowley, go get those kids out of there.
-[yelps]
[Frank] Hey, son.
-[children screaming]
-Got your hot chocolate,
whipped cream and everything.
Is this a new car?
Well, leased. I'm paying month to month.
I needed a nice way
to display your bumper sticker.
Wow. Looks great.
Wait, aren't you guys supposed to be
walking the kindergartners to school?
Uh, yeah. I went ahead of Rowley
to make sure the route was safe
for the kids.
-[screams]
-Well, just make sure you keep those kids
clear of that construction site.
Oh, yeah, I was planning on taping it off.
-Initiative, I like it.
-[yelps]
I'll see ya back at home base
after school.
Then we can start on your
Genealogy badge requirements.
Looking forward to it. [chuckles]
-Please leave.
-[car engine starts]
-Whew! That was close.
-[children laughing]
Do you think we got all of them?
I think so.
[vocalizing] Prink!
[giggling] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa! Ooh!
-Let's get these kids to school.
-[kids chuckling]
[crackling, gurgling]
[Rowley] Uh, Greg?
Oh, no.
[children laughing]
Zooee mama!
-[Mrs. Winsky] Ugh! Really?
-[indistinct grumbling over phone]
[Mrs. Winsky] Yes, I understand
concrete is expensive these days.
I'm dealing with the perpetrator now.
Do you know what the most important tenet
of the Safety Patrol is?
Uh, bravery? No, no, wait!
-Cheerfulness?
-Safety!
And today, you and your partner
abandoned that principle.
I know, but I promise
we won't let it happen again.
A neighbor reported watching
a Safety Patrol matching your description
terrorizing kindergartners
with a live worm.
-But, Mrs. Winsky, I was only trying to...
-Your menacing behavior
towards those children resulted in damage
to a homeowner's driveway.
I'm afraid you're gonna have to surrender
your vest and badge.
I understand, Mrs. Winsky.
Furthermore, I'll be calling your parents
to let them know about your suspension.
-[huffs]
-But, Mrs. Winsky, you don't understand.
If my dad finds out about this, he'll...
That's enough. You're excused.
"Duffley."
Duffley?
Now get back to class, Craig.
Uh... Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Winsky.
I guarantee you,
I'll learn from this experience.
Or my name's not Craig Duffley.
Which it is.
Oh, kids.
I don't like them.
[lively music playing,
"U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer]
What's up, neighbor?
Whoa! Sweet ride, Heffley.
You win the lottery or something?
Well, let's just say I decided
it was time to treat myself.
[Mr. Warren] "Student of the Week?"
Hold up.
Which one of your boys scored that?
Greg. He's been on a roll lately.
Did you know he's just a few badges shy
of earning Woodchipper Elite.
So how's Weston doing on his path
to Woodchipper Elite?
Well, my boy's been
little busy with sports.
Did you know Weston just got
named pre-season all-star?
That's not even a thing, Dad.
But it should be.
So, how's your boy doing
with that Physical Fitness badge?
Still doin' that bouncy ball stuff?
[chuckles softly]
He's been a little busy
with Safety Patrols.
I think he's got a shot
at being named captain.
Well, speak of the devil.
Hey, Greg, where's
your Safety Patrol gear?
Mr. Warren wanted to check it out.
I must have left it in my locker.
Wait, did you guys hear
about those Safety Patrols,
who chased those kindergartners through
that freshly poured driveway this morning?
Ooh! I heard they caused a ton of damage.
Well, uh, you know, as much as I'd like
to hang with you fellas,
me and Weston gotta get over
to the sports complex.
Hey, is there any room
on that team of yours for Greg?
-Dad!
-[Mr. Warren] That depends.
Does Greg have any playing experience?
Well, he was a midfielder back in, uh...
When... when was that again, Greg?
-Preschool.
-Preschool!
Oh? Well, that is an impressive rsum,
but everyone on my team
has to earn their playing time.
Even my boy.
Greg can achieve anything he sets out to.
You might be surprised
what he's capable of.
All right, then get your boy
proper footwear
and meet us down at the complex.
-Hey, Greg, think fast.
-[yelps, groans]
[grunts]
Don't worry, Greg.
I'll show you the ropes.
I, uh, we'll catch you on the field.
Can't wait.
So my dad signed me up for the team,
-and even though I tried my best...
-Whoa!
...I guess I don't have
whatever genes make you good at sports.
In fact, the more I practiced,
the worse I got.
Put some heat on it, Greg.
[yelling, groans]
Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.
All right, team, get your butts over here.
[Greg] And it turns out that
if you've got a sense of humor,
-it'll earn you a spot on the bench.
-[grunting]
[Greg] But I gotta admit,
being part of a team wasn't so bad.
In fact, it kinda made me wonder what
I'd been missing out on all these years.
And if it took getting through
the end of the season
to get me out of Spag Union,
I was willing to suffer through it.
-[announcer] Goal!
-Goal!
[video game chirping, beeping]
[woman] Okay. Let's go, honey,
just watch your step.
Oh, there you are.
I thought you went to the bathroom.
Oh, yeah, I did.
But then I found a quarter on the ground.
Well, you should've come straight back.
And next time, bend your knees,
-all right?
-All right, Dad.
Mr. Warren might've put you in the game.
-[clacking]
-[video game beeping]
-[announcer] Goal!
-Goal!
Actually, now that I've tried
a team sport,
I'm all set
with my Physical Fitness badge.
And I'm quitting.
You can do this, Greg.
No son of mine is a quitter.
But Manny's on his third
or fourth preschool already.
And Rodrick quits things all the time.
Well, that ends today.
You're so close to the finish line, Greg.
Just see this one through,
and then we'll talk about Spag Union.
Hey, do you want to jump in?
The game's two-player.
I'll meet you out in the car.
[sighing in despair]
Yeah. You see Weston out there?
-[woman] Oh, yeah.
-My God, I think he gets that speed
from my side of the family.
[woman] Yeah. Such a great game.
-Hey, good talk.
-[woman] See you at the next one.
-Hey, Walt.
-Hey, Frank.
Good game.
Oh, you guys really took it to those guys.
Yeah. Weston made
some nice saves out there.
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, you know,
I couldn't help notice, though,
Greg, uh, didn't get much playing time.
None, actually.
Frank, I told you before,
on my team, the players
have to earn their playin' time.
You guys were up by five goals
most of the game.
You couldn't give my boy a chance?
Sorry, Frank.
I don't wanna put your boy
in a position to fail.
[engine starts]
See you next week.
[Greg] Hey, Dad!
Got any quarters?
-[electricity crackling]
-[melancholy music playing]
[sighs] Maybe Walt's right, Susan.
Maybe I did set Greg up for failure.
Our kids aren't gonna be successful
in everything they do, Frank.
If they're not failing,
they're not growing. Boop.
I feel like I put him in
a no-win situation with this soccer thing.
What's he gonna gain by sitting
on the bench the whole season?
He'll see that his father will keep
showing up for him no matter what.
That he's his biggest fan.
And there is no better lesson than that.
[whistle blowing]
Last game of the season. How ya feelin'?
I'm okay.
Sorry I haven't gotten to play yet.
Aw. That's all right.
I've had fun coming to your games.
But if I don't get in the game,
I won't be able to finish
my Physical Fitness badge requirements.
Well, maybe I could overlook
a requirement, just this once.
Well, this is your stop.
If you need me,
I'll be up in the bleachers.
Ricky.
What are you doing here?
Let's just say I'm a fan of the game.
And I have an interest
in the outcome of this one in particular.
What's that supposed to mean?
I've got money on Blue.
So don't blow it, Heffley.
Trust me,
there's no chance I'm getting in the game.
Well, that's a pity.
I was hoping to get some payback
for your little smear campaign.
I went to detention for that. We're even.
Do you know how hard it is
to get a seat in the cafeteria
when you've got the "Patty Farrell Touch?"
-Ew!
-[whistle blowing]
[grunts, exclaims]
All right, captains. Bring it in.
Lenwood Heath? You gotta be kidding me.
[crowd cheering]
[Greg] Usually, I could care less
about what happens in a sports game.
But I got swept up
in the excitement of this one.
-Every time one team...
-Yes!
[Greg] ...would take the lead,
the other team would take it back.
As the game went on,
it got a lot more chippy on the field.
Think fast.
[Greg] And I thanked my lucky stars
I wasn't out there.
But then, with the game tied
in the final seconds,
-disaster.
-Whoa!
-[groans]
-[blows whistle]
Blue team, red card.
Aah! Come on, ref.
That was a legal tackle.
Red team, penalty kick.
Blue, you're gonna need a new goalie.
Where am I gonna find a new goalie?
Put Greg in!
[sighing in despair] Hefley, suit up.
-Yes!
-What?
-You got this, Greg!
-[indistinct chatter]
[somber music playing,
"Funeral March" by Chopin]
I believe in you, Greg!
-[inhales, exhales]
-[woman] It's on you, man.
Ooh, Coach, can I take the penalty kick?
Farrell, you are in!
Yeah.
Now, wait for my whistle to kick the ball.
Goalie, are you ready?
-[blows whistle]
-[boy] Try not to hurt him, Patty!
I've been waiting for this day
a long time, Greg Heffley.
-[laughing maniacally]
-[suspenseful music intensifies]
Would you please kick the ball already?
[Patty] Patty Farrell touch this!
-[crowd cheering]
-Yes!
-Huh?
-[whooshes]
[laughs exultantly] In your face, Patty!
[jeers] Yeah!
-[grunts]
-[crowd gasping]
-[whistle blows]
-[sighing in despair]
-Come on!
-[groans softly]
[laughs exultantly]
Whoo! In your face, Greg Heffley. Whoo!
I'm proud of you, Greg.
But I lost the game.
This isn't about winning or losing.
It's about putting yourself out there,
stepping into the arena.
Hey, what do you say we go home,
make some popcorn
and watch one of those
cheesy monster movies?
Well, that sounds like fun.
Tough loss, Heffleys.
Yeah, well, it's not always
about wins and losses.
Hey, have you given any thought to sending
Greg to Spag Union, Mr. Heffley?
They've got a competitive soccer team.
I'm not sure Greg needs
to go to Spag Union.
He's already on a good path.
Well, registration's still open
if you change your mind.
-[yelps]
-Looks like your soccer career
went as well as your political career,
Greg Heffley.
Uh, good game, Patty.
At least you got to feel
what it's actually like
to lose this time
instead of being disqualified.
Disqualified?
You just cost me a pile of money, Heffley.
You better hope I don't see you
back in detention.
Detention?
Uh, maybe we should
talk about this in the car.
Hey, it's the bad boy!
He chased us with worms!
[children yelling] Yeah!
Worms?
Well, technically, it was just one worm.
What's going on, Greg?
-Mr. Duffley
-Mr. Duffley?
Uh... she must be talking
about someone else.
I need to speak to you
about your son's suspension.
Suspension?
Greg, what is she talking about?
There's all sorts of crazies
out here today, let's go, please.
There he is, ladies. Let's get him!
-[yelps]
-[indistinct shouting]
-[hatch door closes]
-Oh. Great kid you got there, Frank.
[woman] Who's running now,
you little twerp?
I can't believe you, Greg.
When you had me sign off on those badges,
you weren't just being dishonest,
you made a liar out of me!
I know, but I wasn't trying to.
Disqualified from Student Council.
Sent to detention.
Suspended from the Safety Patrol.
Anything else
you want to tell me about, Greg?
[sighs] I think that pretty much
covers it.
Oh, boy.
-Okay. Oh, dear.
-Stickers. [laughs]
Actually, I take that back.
[grunting] Okay!
Oh, that kid!
[grunting]
-Dad, wait.
-[laughs]
Mom, please.
[sighing] Oh, Greg.
Yes, Frank.
[muffled] No!
[announcer] Congratulations.
You have successfully registered
to Spag Union.
Oh, man. Bubby toast.
[rain pattering, thunder rumbling]
[footsteps approaching]
[sighing sadly]
[groans softly]
[sighing in exhaustion]
Whoa!
[grunts] Okay.
I found your old tent in the garage.
Your sleeping bags
and the rest of your stuff
are already packed in the fancy new car.
-The rest of what stuff?
-Your camping gear.
What? Who's going camping?
You are. The Icy Pines Campout
is this weekend.
Yeah, well, there's no point
in goin' on that anymore.
You two signed up, and you're gonna
honor your commitment.
After all, Heffleys aren't quitters.
Oh! And bring lots of layers.
I've heard it's gonna be
a cold one this weekend.
[grunts]
[engine starts, roars]
[Upbeat rock music playing,
"Here It Goes Again" by OK Go]
[both exclaiming] Whoa!
[tires screeching]
[car honking]
Throw on your clothes
the second side of Surfer Rosa
And you leave me
with my jaw on the floor
Hey!
Oh, just when you think
you're in control
Just when you think you've got a hold
Just when you get on a roll...
Whoo! Yes!
[both exclaiming] Whoa!
...should've known
should've known again
But here it goes again
Oh, oh, here it goes again
Starts out easy, something simple
something sleazy
Something inching past
the edge of reserve
[chittering, giggling]
Now through the lines
of the cheap Venetian blinds
Your car is pulling off of the curb
[crashing]
I guess there's gotta be
a break in the monotony
But Jesus when it rains
how it pours...
-[both gasping]
-[chittering]
-[snarling]
-[Frank yelping] Oh!
And you leave me, yeah you leave me
Oh, oh here it goes, here it goes
here it goes again
Oh, here it goes again
I should've known, should've known
should've known again
But here it goes again
Oh, here it goes
Oh, here it goes
Oh, here it goes again
I should've known
I should've known
But here it goes again
Oh, here it
Oh, here it
Oh, here it
Oh, here it...
[man] Can't beat nature.
With that, we're done.
[indistinct chatter]
Great job, Rowley.
Thanks, Dad.
Who wants cocoa?
[Greg humming]
[sighing sadly]
Remind me to thank Rowley
for the Joshie blanket.
Are you almost done with that?
I just need a second.
The instructions didn't make any sense.
[grunting]
[boy] Are we gonna make s'mores?
I love s'mores.
It says here you're supposed to put
the stakes in the corners first.
Dad, I've got this.
[sighing sadly]
Yes! See? I didn't need any help.
-[groans]
-[yelps]
[gasps]
[grunting, yelping]
This is like the lawn mower situation
all over again.
That was, like, a hundred years ago.
Yeah, well, some things never change.
You don't need to pile on.
You already won.
What's that supposed to mean?
You got your way. I'm going to Spag Union.
And you think I'm happy about that?
I'm sending you there
because you left me no choice.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
the truth sooner.
But we were starting to
actually have fun together.
And I didn't want anything
to mess that up.
[sighs] Look, Greg, I...
[trumpet blasts]
Bring it in, campers. It's chow time.
-[chuckling] Yeah!
-[whistling]
How about we just try
to survive the weekend, huh?
Deal.
Whatever we don't use,
we freeze to use in next year's chili.
Ooh, green pepper.
[chomps]
[gasps] Four years ago, if memory serves.
Uh... you know,
I think I'll just have a biscuit.
[laughs] I'm not surprised.
You wouldn't try my famous chili
when you were your son's age.
Wait. You went on
one of these camp-outs before?
I bet he didn't tell you this one.
Your father fell down
an embankment on a hike
and stirred up an underground wasp nest.
-[buzzing]
-[screaming]
[Master Barrett] Must've been stung
20 times.
-[laughs]
-[sighs wearily]
It was only seven.
Boy, your dad has a talent
for spinning disaster outta thin air.
[laughs heartily]
Don't worry, I'll eat
whatever Frank doesn't want.
Greg, over here!
Hey, Rowley! Come on!
Yeah, sure. Why not?
No chili for you, Heffley?
Oh. Uh... It... It didn't look
too appetizing.
Good call. It's been repeating
on Rowley here.
I tooted.
Rowley, language!
Sorry, Dad.
[both laughing]
So, are you boys worried
that the muddy hand might get you tonight?
What's the muddy hand?
Well, some people say a dismembered hand
crawls through these woods,
looking for innocent young Woodchippers
to drag into the darkness.
But we are innocent young Woodchippers.
Ah! Don't worry.
It's probably just a fairy tale
to keep campers... [gags]
-[yelps]
-[screams]
-[sighing sadly]
-[groans]
[laughs heartily]
Ah. That one gets 'em every time.
-[laughs exultantly]
-[clattering]
[groans softly]
I think I see a table
with more space over there.
Muddy hand, so played out.
What? Somethin' I said?
[sighs softly]
[Trumpet blasts]
All right, Woodchippers,
enough foolin' around.
We have to squeeze in
a five-mile hike before dark.
[all groaning]
Sorry about my dad.
He can be a little extra sometimes.
Believe me, I get it.
[grunting]
-Come on.
-Hey, Frank.
-[sighing] Hey, Walt.
-Hey, sorry.
I hope I didn't scare your boy.
Oh, he'll survive.
And... And, I'm sure Weston's heard
that story more than once, huh?
Yeah. I... [chuckles nervously]
I can't seem to do anything without
getting under Weston's skin these days.
Is it like that with you and Greg?
Well... [stutters]
...we don't always get along,
if that's what you're asking.
Guess it's just a weird age, right?
Yeah. Something like that.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not the perfect father by any means.
[both laughing]
You can say that again.
I just don't wanna do anything
to drive my boy away.
We only get 'em
for a little while, you know?
[grunts]
Yeah.
You're lucky you and your boy
are so much alike.
Must make the whole
father-son thing a lot easier.
You think I'm like Greg?
Are you kidding me?
You two are practically the same person.
-[grunting] Come on.
-Huh.
All right. Come on, Weston,
-before the muddy hand gets us.
-[sighing sadly]
See you out on the trail, Heffley.
-[water splashing]
-[indistinct chatter]
[Master Barrett] Come on now, keep up!
We don't want anyone gettin' lost.
Be careful crossin' here, Woodchippers.
This natural bridge has been here
since I was in diapers...
[chuckling] ...if you can believe that.
[man] Get in front of me.
Time waits for no one.
This way, campers.
Doesn't it feel great to be out in nature?
Exercise is great for the constitution.
And these chia seeds are fueling my body.
[Greg] That muddy hand thing
was pretty dumb.
Mr. Warren was just tryin' to scare us.
-Right?
-[chuckles softly]
I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.
I mean, a hand couldn't technically
keep living without a body.
How would it breathe?
It doesn't even make sense.
Yeah, you're probably right about that.
A tent doesn't feel like good protection
against that thing, though.
Maybe we should keep the opening
zipped up just in case.
Well, only if it makes you feel better.
-Deal.
-[both chuckle]
[wind howling]
Uh... do you think we're lost?
Of course not. Don't worry.
Troopmaster Barrett knows these trails
like his own chili.
Woodchippers. Come on, gather round.
We appear to have wandered off the trail.
Seriously?
Wait a minute. I've picked up
what appears to be human tracks.
These will definitely
lead us back to civilization.
Wait a minute,
these look like my footprints.
-[groaning]
-And these are mine.
-[groaning]
-We've been walking in circles!
Well, that settles it.
-[echoing] We're lost!
-[eagle screeching]
Oh, come on!
[indistinct chatter, sighing]
It's a dream come true. [laughs]
Uh, what are we gonna do,
Troopmaster Barrett?
Best we can do is make camp for the night
and hope that someone comes
searching for us in the morning.
Make camp? But we don't have our tents!
Or sleeping bags.
I don't even have my pillow.
We'll sleep closely together, and use
our body heat to keep each other warm.
-Quick, son, before we freeze.
-[all groaning]
Troopmaster Barrett,
what if we could find our way back to camp
before the sun goes down?
Don't we have a compass?
Unfortunately, I broke mine when I lost
my footing on the trail back there.
But isn't there a way
to make one of those?
Greg's right.
It's in the Orienteering section.
-[man] There we are.
-[exclaims]
Dad, do we have a needle and thread?
We sure do.
Hey, maybe we can knit some sweaters.
[laughs]
Hmm.
-Rowley, let me see that jar.
-My chia seeds!
[all cheering]
Onward, campers. [laughs]
Good thinkin', Greg.
Hey, if the Continental Army
gave up in the face of a challenge,
they never would've turned
the tides on the British.
[gasps] You were listening.
Well, why wouldn't I have listened?
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
[gasps] Good news, campers.
We found the natural bridge!
-[indistinct chatter]
-[yelps]
-[all gasping]
-Whoa!
-[thuds]
-[all gasping]
What do you say
we go back to my camping idea?
[indistinct muttering]
[children laughing]
Petey, one hand on the rope, please.
That's it. Guys, I know what to do.
Does anybody have a rope?
Well, what's your plan, young Heffley?
We can tie it around two trees
and use it to cross the rocks.
We just need to use a strong knot.
Oh. That would be a bowline knot.
[chuckles] I remember.
Yeah, but we never mastered that one.
If we work together,
maybe we can figure it out.
[grunts]
Okay. I think you got the loop right.
We just need to... [grunts]
...meet in the middle.
-[all cheering]
-Huh. That wasn't so hard, was it?
Wish we'd figured that out sooner.
All right, let's do this, Woodchippers.
[indistinct chatter]
[Frank] Okay, come on.
Watch your step.
[boy] All right, let's go. Whoa, whoa.
Whoa! [sighs]
Now, be careful. These rocks are slippery.
Almost there.
That's all of them, Frank.
All right. Come on, Walt.
Coming over now.
Make way for the big dog.
Should I do it with my eyes closed?
[laughs]
[yelps, gasping]
Dad!
All good! [sputtering]
Don't worry! [sputtering]
Dad, let's go.
Just hang on! We're coming!
-Dad, are you okay?
-I'm fine!
This water isn't even that cold.
[sputtering] More like room temperature.
This isn't even a river. [sputtering]
It's more like a creek. [sputtering]
[gasps, screams] Oh, God! Oh, God!
[wailing]
[sputtering]
All right,
[echoing] ...you've got my attention now!
Well, this is it for me.
Weston! Make sure they change the oil
in the SUV every 3,000 miles.
Greg, wait until I get there!
Mr. Warren, grab my hand!
-[whimpering]
-[indistinct chatter]
-Whoa!
-[groaning] Whoa!
-Whoa!
-I got you, Greg. And I'm not letting go.
[Master Barrett] This is what we've been
trainin' for, Woodchippers.
Everybody, make a human chain!
Pull! Pull! With every
ounce of your strength.
[all grunting]
[grunts]
[all cheering]
Are you okay, Dad?
[chuckles softly] I am now.
[man] That's how you do it.
Hey, I think I can see the camp from here!
All right, let's get back
before hypothermia sets in.
And with the power vested in me
by the Plainville Woodchippers,
I'm proud to award you both
the Wilderness Survival badge.
-Whoa!
-[all cheering]
All right, everybody, lights out!
-Sunrise hike tomorrow.
-[all groaning]
Come on. Hop to it.
-Hey, nice save, Greg. I'm impressed.
-Thanks, Greg.
Yeah, don't mention it.
Frank, great son you got there.
You too, Walt.
All right. Come on, Weston.
Race you to the tent.
[both chuckle]
So, uh, you want to roast
some marshmallows or something?
Nah, I think I've had enough
outdoor activities for a weekend.
Maybe a whole lifetime.
Yeah, and after all that I'm not even
close to Woodchipper Elite.
But at least I got this one.
I hope the guys at Spag Union
will be impressed.
Yeah, uh, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.
Greg, we're not sending you to Spag Union.
Whoa! What?
I'm gonna cancel your registration.
I don't want to lose out
on spending more time with my son.
I only get you
for a little while, you know?
[Pleasant music playing]
-You know what I wish, though?
-What?
That we didn't have
to spend the night in a tent.
[chitters]
Hmm.
-[clicking]
-[engine starts]
-[engine roaring]
-[tires screeching]
Ha, ha! Yeah, all right!
-Yeah, crush it!
-Destroy it all!
[both laughing]
You know, some people think
you and me are pretty similar.
Me and you? No way.
I know. Crazy, right?
I'll take it, though. I can think of
worse people to be compared to.
Ah. Thanks, kid.
[chittering]
[Greg] So it turns out, me and my dad
have more in common than I thought.
For starters, we're definitely
both indoor people.
And I'm not too proud to say that
I've already learned a thing or two
from my dad along the way.
But I'm not sure there's anything else
he could teach me at this point.
Uh-oh. I might have forgotten
to lock the car.
Greg, you didn't lock it, did you?
And how was I supposed to do that?
With the key?
The key?
-[car alarm blaring]
-[chittering]
[Upbeat music playing]
♪♪
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