01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Pull your fingers out of your
f*cking arses and get to work!

VIV: Do you really want to take a
running jump off the only bridge

that you haven't burnt in this industry?

- If I'm in the wrong place, I can...
- I'm Diana! Your niece, dude.

Yeah. I wanted to spend
time with family.

Spend it with f*cking Dad.

Is nobody in this place just
a little bit happy to see me?

Happy to see the back of you.

Find a new narrative, or something,

'cause people are over the
angry-white-guy schtick.

DIANA: We deserve so much more

than just selling our
desserts out of a gutter.

What you need is someone
to partner up with.

- And that someone is you?
- We open in a month.

(DIGITAL CAMERA CLICKS)

Don't slouch.

I had scoliosis in year 8.
Don't shame me.

MAN: Uh, maybe try thumbs up.

So, have you settled on a headline?

I was thinking, and
I'm just riffing here,

"A Legend Gives Back."

How about, "Hot Buns, Hotter Arse"?

- (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.

I think we're good for this shot.

- I'll just check.
- Yeah.

We've gotta get these two out
of here before Jim sees them.

A double homicide is bad PR.

Hmm. I'm sure you'd
find a way to spin it.

I should have waited till we
could access the new space.

- What space?
- I found a space.

Oh, cool. Where is it?

Well...

the partners are yet to make
any formal decisions...

It's just down the road.
Uraidla. We open in a month.

- You'll love it. Trust me.
- Mmm.

Okay. Well, look, the
insert shot looks great.

We just need a portrait of Di for
the main image and we're done.

Uh, okay. When you say,
"Main image," you...

Well, we need an image of
Di that speaks to your quote

where you call her, "Australia's
most exciting new culinary voice."

Yeah. Okay. Um...

I think you might find
that I also mentioned

that I'm a Michelin-starred chef,

returning to his home town.

Oh, I don't think our readers
are too concerned with stars,

but they'll be dropped
in there somewhere.

- You're this rag's food writer?
- Food and fashion.

And you want to play down the return

of one of the most renowned chefs
this country's ever produced?

Well, after what happened in Shanghai...

If you mention that in this article,

- I will ram that camera so far up your...
- It's called Diana.

The restaurant is called Diana.

Easton named it.

Chef stepping out of the limelight,

championing new...

female... voices.

Yes.

Yes, this partnership...

... with Diana is a way for me to...

- f*ck off!
- I'm sorry?

I'm so... Don't write that!
I'll be back in a second.

Put the g*n away, you f*ck' lunatic!

- All right. Let's do this!
- Cool.

- JIM: Don't you come near my g*n!
- Get... get out of here!

- I'll do whatever I please...
- Yeah. Great.

Look, look, there's a rabbit
over there. Go. Go! Rabbit!

(LAUGHS)

SONG: ♪ Hi! Hi! Yeah ♪

♪ Hi, hi, yeah ♪

♪ Hi! Hi! Yeah ♪

♪ Hi, hi, yeah ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Hi, hi, hi, hi! ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

Having a truly world-class
chef in the neighbourhood

would really help put
Uraidla on the map.

We've already got people like
Ben Zhao putting us on the map.

Yeah, well, I'm talking the world map,

not the local street directory.

Now, our industry needs...
needs revitalising.

Imagine what someone like me
could do with a space like this.

Yeah. Well, I've outgrown this space,

but I am looking for a long-term tenant.

- Well...
- What's your vision for this space?

Diana? It says here you
are quite the wunderkind.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

I don't know. I don't refer
to myself as a wunderkind.

I'm not that arrogant,
that's more his style.

But, yeah, my vision...

I guess family, really, is the key.

Like, I use my grandma
June's recipes as inspo,

which are the same ones
that Easton grew up with...

- Yeah. Well, when I was a kid...
- ... so my vision really is, like,

about, like, super-personal,
super-now food-porn.

Think, like, pastry queen Christina Tosi

banging barbecue king
Francis Mallmann...

Yeah, oh, and obviously,
this is all in the context of...

of a fine-dining establishment.

What I'm suggesting is us partnering up.

- (SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)
- Uh, you provide the space,

we provide the talent and we can...

yeah, we can negotiate profit share.

You want free rent?

Oh, no, what I want is an investor

with the smarts and the brains
to see what a no-brainer this is.

I mean...

Uh, I mean, Diana's gonna
be the next big thing.

I'm working on the vines tomorrow
and we stop for lunch at 1:00.

- Bring a dessert.
- Done.

And your business plan.

Thanks for your time, Ms Duplass.

It's Margot.

Why do I feel like I've just been
to see the headmistress?

Yeah, a headmistress you want
to get spanked by, I bet,

you naughty boy.

Don't f*ck this up.

"Please, Miss, I've been a
naughty boy! Spank me!"

Will you just grow up?

Margot is going to cream
her jocks over this.

So, what are you going to call it?

Grandma June's Moon Shines
Over the Black Forest.

- Ooh, pretentious!
- I know, right?

Oh, wow!

Oh, yeah, the 'Moon Shines'
is Pop's actual moonshine.

Nasty on its own, magic in me pud.

Diana, if we don't get
baking by tomorrow,

we'll be selling bags
of self-raising flour

and instruction manuals.

It's just a quick lunch meet.

You keep going and when I get back,

we'll just smash out the rest, yeah?

(SIGHS) Fine. But I'm supposed
to meet Dad at 4:00,

so I'll have to... Crap!

Does my breath smell of booze?

You've had one spoonful, dude.

Diana, when were you planning
on telling me about this?

The internet?

- _
- This.

Ooh.

What on earth are you thinking?!

You told a newspaper before asking me!

And with my brother!

I don't really need to
ask your permish, Mum.

You know, and Easton's a changed man.

He's turning over a new leaf.

"'I'm a changed man,' West says.

"'I'm turning over a new
leaf, etcetera, etcetera.'"

(LAUGHS) Did he seriously say
the word 'etcetera' out loud?

See? This is why I didn't tell you.
Brett! I need that for today.

Diana, he is using you.

Nobody wanted my body-positive arse

ballooning out of their morning paper

before he came along, Mum.

As long as you are living in this house,

you will not be associating
with that man.

Is that a threat?

- Yes.
- No.

No, it's just... parenting.

I've gotta go.

Di, do you... (SIGHS)

Okay?

Okay. Here.

- Mum! Wait, I need the car!
- sh*t!

Wait. Wait!

Oh, come on!

Mum! This isn't fair!

- Sorry. (PANTS)
- (CAR LOCK BEEPS)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

Mum! I have a business meeting!

- (ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
- (SIGHS)

Mum...

Mum!

Brett!

I... Uh...

(GROANS) At least Easton can make
his own pasta sauce, you freak!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Maybe we just get back to work, then?

Please tell me you drove.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, no.

I'm coming! I'm coming!

(RINGING CONTINUES)

EASTON: Glad to see
you dressed up for it.

- Where's your car?
- It's Mum's car.

And... she's not happy...

about... the article

or us.

- She was born unhappy.
- She threatened to kick me out.

My first night in London,
I slept under a bridge.

It's character-building.

That does explain your character.

Oh, don't touch that
stuff! It's organised!

Well, how, exactly? From pretty useless

- to completely f*ck' useless?
- What are you looking for?

The keys to my ute, unless you're
gonna dinky me on your handlebars.

Can't you just apologise?

I'm sorry I had the keys the whole time!

To Mum, you dingus!

Otherwise she's not gonna let
me do the restaurant with you.

Apologise to Denise? For what?

For... whatever it is you did
to mess her up! I don't know.

It can be a fake apology.
You're good at those.

I'm not the one who owes her an apology.

He's the one who raised
her on a burial ground.

He's the one who turned
her into a nut job, not me.

Well, what do you mean, 'burial ground'?

What do you mean, 'burial ground'?

No. No, he did not.

The final resting place
of your Grandma June.

Romantic, huh?

And after that, Jim checked
out of fatherhood

to drink and race greyhounds.

I cooked for Denise,
I took her to school,

so what part of that
should I apologise for?

Yeesh, Pops.

There's eccentric and then there's...

... ill*gal.

You really want this restaurant?

Of course.

Then be prepared to sacrifice
anything to achieve that dream,

friends, phones, parkour,

whatever dumb-f*ck sh*t you kids
are obsessed with these days,

it's gone.

That 'dumb-f*ck sh*t' is my mum, dude.

What'd you make?

Black Forest moonshine cake that'll
kick you square in the nuts.

- But can we please just...
- That'll do.

Wait! Easton, I need
to put deodorant on.

I smell like backyard grave!

You're a mess! I'm better off on my own.

Just... you stay here and try and
grow a pair before I get back.

Easton!

We're partners!

(SLAMS CAR DOOR)

I have a pair, you f*ck-knuckle!

They're just all up inside me!

(STARTS ENGINE)

Sorry, Gran.

Quite a spot.

Hello.

Where's your niece?

Diana wanted to let her
work speak for itself.

Right.

Come on, then. It's lunch, folks!

I foraged in these hills as a kid.

And hunted and fished.

Grew up on this stuff.

You can taste the earth
in the food right here.

There's plenty of mushrooms
around at the moment, actually.

There's pine, lawyer's wig...

magic.

I'd suggest we go get some, but, um...

your shoes seem so perfectly shiny.

Handmade Italian leather.

My one vice.

Wow. (CLEARS THROAT)

That's got some... bite.

Our wines are 100% natural.

No pesticides, no preservatives,
just the taste of the grape.

You're one of those.

What does that mean?

Nothing. Nothing.

So, what brings you home,

Easton West, celebrity chef?

I'm here to support my niece.

God, I hope your food's easier
to swallow than your bullshit.

(PHONE RINGS)

VOICEMAIL: It's Easton West.
You know what to do.

(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

(FLY BUZZES)

- Homemade pasta sauce?
- Yeah.

Um, you know if you
just pierce the tomato

and drop it in boiling water,
the skin comes right off?

Oh, no, no. I'm doing it this...
the proper way, Nayani.

That sounds like cheating.

It's... not, though.

(SIGHS)

Only takes a minute.

Just don't tell anyone that
I... I took a short cut.

Your secret's safe with me.

Uh, what kind of pasta
were you gonna make?

Napolitana.

No, I mean, like, what kind of pasta,

fettuccine, penne... ?

I haven't... decided yet, so...

(PHONE BUZZES, BLEEPS)

_

Guess she's not coming back after all.

Oh, she has my bike!

Well, I can give you a lift.
I'm going to the shops anyway.

I need to get yeast.

For the pasta?

Oh.

Mmm!

She's good, right?

Why isn't she here again?

I just thought we should talk.

Just the grown-ups.

Diana's talented. Well, she's a West.

But she's got a lot to learn
about what it takes,

the sacrifice, the commitment,
the ethics of the business...

(LAUGHS) Are you gonna
teach her about ethics?

I'm a man of many talents.

So...

... this is where all the
magic happens, eh?

Yep. All my sins happen right here.

Look, I know people think I'm
a loose cannon, or whatever.

But you know what I
can do in the kitchen

and you've tasted Diana's talent,
so, you know, we could...

Take your pants off.

Don't be scared.

I'll show you mine.

(GROANS)

Unless you're too shy.

No.

No, I'm good.

(GLASS CLINKS)

What the sh1tting sh*t happened here?

Pop, are you okay?

What have you done?!

Oh, come on, you old b*stard.
It was just junk.

We are having a family roast!

I figure, you know, if Easton's
gonna leave me here,

I'm gonna get this family
talking to each other again.

So! We can cook Grandma
June's recipes and...

You'll not touch another
damn thing in this house!

This is my f*cking house

and I like it exactly the way
it presently f*cking is!

Pop, I'm sorry. I didn't... realise.

(PHONE BUZZES)

- _
- (SIGHS)

_

_

A bunch of psychos, all of you.

And don't touch my f*cking pigeons!

(DOOR SLAMS WITHIN)

So... did we just seal the deal?

Wow. You're a real poet, aren't you?

Hit the spot. Not sure
it sealed the deal.

What? Well, what did we just do, then?

I mean, I know what it was.

Done it before, but...

(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)

Where are you going?

Just... wait! We need
to talk about the space!

Look, you've tried Diana's cake.

People are lapping up the story.

- I came all the way out here...
- Alone.

That cake can't speak for
Diana. Neither can you.

Well, she's 19 years old!
What are you going to talk about?

Selfies and neon hair extensions?

Do you have any capital?
Any cash reserves?

Where's the business plan I asked for?

I am the business plan!

I'm Easton-f*cking-West!

And what's Easton West
gonna do in a month's time

when he can't pay his vendors
and this all falls apart?

You know old white guys

don't get too many second
chances these days.

I'm sorry, Easton.

I can't help you. No pay, no play.

Starfucker, just like the rest of them.

What?

You think you're the only woman
who wants to f*ck a famous chef?

It's a cliché to f*ck me!

It's a good cliché, 'cause
it means I get f*cked a lot!

(LAUGHS)

Tell Diana I loved her cake.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, good. You're still here.

- Oh!
- Ow!

Watch it.

You cleaned up.

Sort of.

Haven't seen the place
this clean since...

I thought it might be nice
to have a family roast,

you know, clear the air.

But seeing as every one of you
is an emotional dumpster fire,

we can't actually do that.

Well, you'll be pleased to know
you didn't miss out on much.

That woman is not someone
we'll be doing business with.

- I knew you'd f*ck it up.
- I didn't f*ck it up!

She's a whack job!

She makes natural wine,

it tastes like tinea and sheep's piss.

This was never gonna work, was it?

Diana?

(EXHALES EXASPERATEDLY)

f*ck!

(CHUCKLES) Ooh!

Ah, bellissimo, Brett Fraser.

Bellissimo. Hey, baby. Look at that.

Very good, Brett.

Very... Italian. Very...
(SIGHS) authentic.

I can give you a few
lessons if you're lucky.

Everyone can make pasta!

Children can make pasta!

Six-year-olds can make pasta!

There's probably a... a labrador
on YouTube hand-making gnocchi!

- _
- (PHONE BUZZES, BLEEPS)

Oh. Oh, Diana doesn't care
if you can make pasta or not.

Can you just...

Yes? Sorry. Yes?

It's me.

What do you want?

You have to come over for dinner.

I'm sorry, okay, for just
turning up the other night.

Brett and I are making
fettuccine Napolitana. Sorry.

Oh, come on, Denise!

You probably don't even
know how to skin a tomato.

Pierce the skin and drop it
in boiling water. Goodbye.

If you don't go,

you're gonna lead her right to him.

Just sayin'.

(UPBEAT DRUM RHYTHM)

BRETT: Yeah, real nice up here, Jim.

I see you let them
clean the kitchen, Dad.

Didn't have any bloody choice, did I?

Just like Mum used to have it, hey, sis?

Ahh.

Ooh, something smells nice.

Madam?

BRETT: Ooh, yes, please.

Has he been cooking like
this every day for you, Dad?

The least he can do for a free room.

- It's my room.
- It was our room.

Why can't he live with you lot?

He's not my responsibility.

- He's your stinking brother.
- He's your stinking son!

Ahem!

Hi.

So, we have Easton's re-creation
of Grandma June's coq au vin,

with a pigeon twist, thanks, Pop,

paired with a pear vinaigrette salad

and I have a very special dessert

for you West kids, comin' right up.

Well, don't just sit there like
a bunch of frigid b*tches,

chow down, fam.

(BRETT CHUCKLES)

Ooh, that's good.

Yes.

Grandma June's lemon tart

with a Diana West bourbon anglaise
to kick you up your cooch.

(CHUCKLES)

Ooh! I want a kick up the cooch.

It's delicious, Diana.

Mmm.

So, I know Easton coming
home has been a surprise...

for us all, um...

... and I should have told you
before we did that article.

Sorry.

But like it or not, we're stuck
with each other until we're dead,

so we'd better just deal with it.

I'm pretty sure that
Easton is stuck here

because he got extradited
by the Chinese government.

Just trying to help your daughter.

Help, exploit, etc., etc.

And I know Grandma June's
death still hurts for all of you.

I mean, Pop still sleeps with
her buried outside his window,

which is a bit hectic, no judgement.

So, what if this restaurant

was a way to honour her memory?

To celebrate her.

Easton and I were thinking,
if Pop will have us,

that we could have the restaurant here.

In this house.

It would be the ultimate family story

and a story that we're all a part of

and we could call it... June.

- So, you're gonna steal my daughter...
- Over my dead body!

- ... and you're gonna make a buck...
- I'm not having

- some fancy p*nsy set-up in my house.
- ... out of our family's tragic past.

- Wow. You really are a piece of work!
- No f*cking way!

- Jesus! I'm not stealing anyone!
- Find your own house!

- Leave me out of it!
- I'm loving June's tart.

Don't blame Easton, Mum.
These are my ideas.

That's what those Manson girls thought

before they m*rder*d those people.

All right. Now I'm Charles Manson!

I can think for myself. I am an adult.

No, you are a naive,
ridiculous, deluded child.

Diana.

As long as you are
living under my roof...

You know what? Keep your roof. Okay?

'Cause this deluded child
is just gonna live here.

With her business partner.

- You can't trust him.
- What is your problem?!

He told me everything!

What happened after Grandma died.

He told me that he took care
of you and he fed you...

And then he left!

I thought the food
tonight was excellent.

You are not using this house

and calling it 'June'.

Do you know how insulting,
how ridiculous that is?

She was my mum too!

You don't get to own being sad

just because you stayed here and
got pickled in despair like a...

an emotionally stunted cornichon!

Oh!

Poor woman's probably rolling
in her grave out there,

listening to all this.

Oh.

You really still think

that she's buried out in
the backyard, don't you?

Well... this is awkward.

(LAUGHS)

What's she talking about?

Where's she going?

(LOUD CLATTERING)

Your little family story is a lie,

just like everything else
about you, Easton West.

God, that name!

Did it take you all of four minutes
to come up with that?

Brett, we're going!

- BRETT: Yep.
- And once you're done,

just keep on digging

and take yourself back to China.

(SLAMS DOOR)

_

_

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(CRUNCH!)

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry, Mum. Sorry, Mum.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Daaaaad!

Now that you can pay with more
than your rugged charm

and your moderately impressive p*nis...

- JIM: Hey!
- I'm taking the shed.

Put the ladder back!

You are just like your
father and brother.

I am not like them!

EASTON: You're a lying old b*stard!

I didn't k*ll her!

(YELLS)

That's right.

You can't cook, you c*ck.