02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- DIANA: Has anyone seen Easton?

- BRETT: He went out jogging.

- He goes jogging?

- Yeah, through Margot's vines.

Ew.

- Welcome back, Chef.

- Shut up.

A take on the mission's apple crumble,

but with, like, a Nordic twist.

The texture's like phlegm.

HARRY: Why didn't you tell me

that you and Kwame dated?

The guest bedroom maybe I could take it.

- No, no! Denise!

- Brett, he's my brother.

We have to kick him out of the nest.

I'm going on a sex strike.

These sacred privates are off limits.

I'll hold out longer than you will.

- Hello.

- Hello. I'm June, your mother.

Well, see, it's not something

I'd usually go to a doctor for,

but the bloody toenail

just got more and more infected.

Oh, man!

And I was prescribed

Oh, what was it? It was

It started with an A.

It was an antibiotic. Um

[STUTTERS]

Axolotl? [LAUGHS]

Anyway, whatever it was,

I had to have three courses of it

to get rid of it.

But, oh, thankfully, it's mostly gone now.

That's a relief.

I didn't want to pay $500

to some foot doctor

or whatever they're called.

- Podiatrist.

- A podiatrist.

I have no health insurance.

I've never been to a podiatrist.

I haven't either. Have you, Harry?

Me? Um, my uncle is one.

Oh! That's lucky, isn't it? [CHUCKLES]

Cool.

So, was abandoning your children worth it?

- [BURPS]

- Diana.

What? I'm sorry, but your mother,

who walked out on you,

comes back 40 years later

and starts telling you about

her infected toe

and you're all just like, "Oh!"

- Yes, yes, I was getting to it.

- Were you, though?

[CHUCKLES] She's a real firecracker.

You remind me of myself at your age.

OK, so, we

We would like to know

What are you doing here?

Um

Ooh, bit hot today, eh?

Be good to get some rain.

Are we expecting any?

Actually, let me check.

- I'm sorry, is this a bad time?

- It's, um It's a long time.

Ah, rain on Thursday.

- Ooh, wait, that's Queensland.

- Yes, it is.

But, you know, I just thought,

since Jim had passed

I just wanted to see you again.

- Better late than never, I guess.

- Exactly. [CHUCKLES]

I'm sure you understand

that we are curious about

where you've been for the past 40 years.

Well, yes, of course.

It's all a bit drab, though, really.

- [PHONE VIBRATES]

- So, it was London in the late '70s.

Oh, and I did the Hindu Kush.

That was truly transformative.

Met this German man

who started his own commune.

It was interesting, but, oh,

the Europeans, they're a bit handsy.

Women now would be up in arms about it,

but at the time,

we just shrugged it off, you know,

as a bit of unwanted fingering

and got on with it. [CHUCKLES]

But, you know, the last few years,

I've just been travelling in my van.

So, what have you all been up to?

- Are you serious?

- Far out. It's minus 47 in Russia.

- What have we been up to? Seriously?

- A mother can't be curious?

It's just been such a long time.

It doesn't make sense.

Well, of course it doesn't make sense.

I'm a world-famous chef

and I find it very hard to believe

that you haven't seen my face anywhere,

because there was a time

when my face was everywhere!

Ooh, that's lovely.

Did you make this risotto?

[CHUCKLES]

The risotto that looks like

afterbirth and tastes like ash?

No, I didn't I didn't make this risotto.

Oh, easy!

- Yeah, real nice, dude.

- Denise likes it smoky.

Yes, I do. It's it's delicious.

- Mm. So do I.

- Aw, thanks. Harry helped.

- Oh, are you a chef too, Harry?

- Me? No, I'm a restaurateur.

None of them are chefs.

Well, Diana's a pastry chef,

but I'm the only famous

Oh, I love pastries.

You do? That's so great to hear.

Actually, some of Diana's desserts

are based on your recipes.

- No. No, I never cooked.

- I know. I know.

It turns out the dead grandma inspo

was just a whole bunch of BS.

Wasn't it?

But, hey, if you want to make up for it

and come up with

some sweet Nordic sh*t for me,

then feel free.

I thought you said the menu was done.

So, where would I know you from?

Can you believe this?

Not everybody watches cooking shows, Easton.

Easton? So, you've changed it from Jimmy?

I told him.

I wanted to call you Edgar,

but, no, his father was Jim,

he was a Jim, and he wanted you to be a Jim.

That'd be like me naming you June Jr.

[LAUGHTER]

Easton West?

And your business partner

that's Left on Right, is it?

[LAUGHTER]

That's enough!

Oh, I apologise. I

I didn't mean to tread on a nerve.

To be honest, I I quite like the name.

So, what's the situation here?

You don't all live together?

No, Harry and I live in London, actually.

- Oh, do you?

- Yeah.

Well, it's still a bit strange

I mean, a married couple

living with a grown man.

Well, they're not married.

And why is it strange?

I mean, we're a family. We love

- We like each other, don't we?

- Yeah.

Anyway, we Harry and I,

have to go and check on the mains.

- Yeah. Yeah, we do.

- Um, isn't risotto a main?

Yeah, this risotto was an entree.

The mains are on their way.

Come on.

I know this has been a shock,

but why all the hostility?

[PHONE VIBRATES]

DENISE: There was a grave out there

with your name on it.

That's where we believed you were for years.

[WHISPERS] sh*t!

That is weird, I agree,

but I didn't come up with that.

So, for you to just reappear like this

out of the blue, it's, um

Yes, it is.

What what was she saying?

BRETT: Sorry.

The only other excuse I had

was going to the toilet,

but it'd be a bit weird if we went together.

It's fine. I'd rather be in here

than out there

trying to keep up to speed with everything.

- Is there another pantry?

- No. One toilet, one pantry.

All I can say, Harry,

is that there are several elephants

in that room.

Go figure. Hey, what's with all the pears?

Oh, yeah, online shop fail.

I meant to buy 10, but I bought 10 punnets.

But the most awkward elephant for me

is the Easton-living-here elephant.

- DIANA: Hi!

- Ooh.

- Do you need a hand?

- No, we're good.

OK.

Wait a sec. Her bed breadcrumbs.

Might have expired.

I got them a year ago, but

Ooh! [WHISPERS] Yes.

- One month to go.

- OK.

So, an egg, sardines,

crap load of breadcrumbs, 500 pears.

JUNE: I know it mustn't have been easy

for you as children,

but I suppose I thought

you might have gotten over it.

[SCOFFS] OK. She's a deranged psychopath.

Is that any way to speak to your mum?

Oh, don't worry.

That's how he speaks to everyone.

Mum? Mum?!

If you were a decent mum,

you would have followed my career

and watched my TV shows.

And

not walk out on you guys.

Yeah, that's on the list.

I went to the school formal

with my dress inside out.

I bought my first bra by myself.

You don't even want to know

how my dad explained my period.

I was so miserable for so long.

Oh, you were the bubbliest baby.

Everybody used to say

what a happy baby you were.

- I was?

- Yes.

- I didn't even know that.

- Yes, you had a big grin, rosy cheeks.

Was I a bubbly baby?

I actually can't remember.

How can a mother walk out

on bubbly babies, then?

BRETT: Mm! Here we go!

Hope you left some room.

HARRY: Careful, they're still hot.

Everyone's a winner.

- It's Brett's degustation.

- Oh, it's not that bad.

- Crumbed sardines, Sicilian style.

- Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I've been a plant-based woman

for over 30 years now.

- [PHONE VIBRATES]

- I mean, before it was a hip fad.

No worries. More for me. Molto Benito.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, my goodness! Jim's garage.

I hated it at the time,

but I actually missed

the smell of grease and motor oil.

Well, I'll happily point you

in the direction

of the nearest petrol station.

Dude! I've got to have a piddle.

- It's been awhile between pit stops.

- You ARE coming back, I take it?

- [CHUCKLES] There's that West humour.

- Middle door to the right!

- OK, I've had enough.

- Don't you want answers?

Well, yes, but unless the question is,

"Who's the sh*t test mum in history?"

we're not getting any.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

OK, just get rid of her, or I'm out.

[SOFTLY] Psst! Psst! Easton, out?

Just

- Are you still chewing?

- Brettalisimo.

Mm.

Alright.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

OK.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Lower?

- Lower.

- [PHONE SNAPS SHUT]

Maybe I should be the one to speak to her

'cause, quite often,

people tell their grandkids sh*t

that they'd never tell

their own kids, you know?

Ah, that's better.

Ooh, can you smell something?

No. That's enough.

You will sit down

and stop avoiding questions.

No, I can smell something too.

[ALL SNIFF]

- What is that?

- The crumbed pears!

- HARRY: sh*t!

- [SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS]

Oh, sh*t! The door's closed!

[SCREAMS]

Brett! Brett!

Whoops.

Just

Just leave it, Brett. Just leave it.

[GASPS]

Believe it or not, this is all

pretty standard behaviour.

No wonder you moved to London. Hmm?

Oh!

Whoops.

- [SIGHS] That Jim.

- [CHUCKLES]

Strange man.

I know relationships die,

but to k*ll me as well and

You were only children and it was so cruel.

Hold on, Dad was the cruel one?

He told you I was dead

and dug a grave. That's sick!

He may not have been the best,

or even an adequate dad,

but at least he was here for us.

I wanted to return.

Several times, I tried to contact you.

He said I was never welcome back.

I don't believe a single word

that comes out of your batty old mouth.

BRETT: Okey-do key, no more smoky.

The house smells like burnt pear and toast,

but, otherwise, all good.

So, what did you expect exactly,

turning up after all this time?

Well, I suppose I thought, after so long,

everything would be fine,

but obviously it's not.

I mean, there are misunderstandings.

No, no, there's no misunderstandings

and it's not all fine,

so just just get back in your van

and get your tush back to the Kush

and leave us the hell alone.

But they're not lies.

If you don't believe me,

why not ask Jim yourself?

What?!

Are we seriously doing this?

Yes, we are. Mum.

Pop would have found it hilarious.

Jim could barely communicate

when he was alive.

Good luck getting dead Jim

to make any sense.

Is widdle We as ton scared of some ghosts?

What? No. I am a bit.

I can't reach him

unless all our souls are united.

Oh, well, don't worry about it, then,

'cause Easton sold his ages ago.

I feel a bit weird. I didn't even know him.

Nobody did. Come on.

- [SHOUTS] Jim West

- ALL: Arrgh! ..are you with us?

Oh, gee, that was a bit loud.

Jim West, we wish to communicate with you.

Can you join us?

He's probably passed out drunk.

I can feel you, Jim.

I can feel your presence.

- Oh! Who who's doing that?

- She is.

Jim, are you here?

Jim, it's me, June.

- Holy!

- Speak to us, Jim.

Are you OK?

Oh!

Oh! Thought that was going to be 'no'.

Did you forbid me,

the mother of your children,

from coming home?

S.

O. 'So'. So what?

I'm not sure.

D.

O. 'Sodo'.

'So, do'

So, do we all think this is bullshit yet?

Well, he's still going.

F.

Double F.

'Sodoff'.

[WHISPERS] 'Sod off'.

- 'Sod off'?

- Oh, my God!

- [LOUD BANG]

- [SCREAMS]

- [ALL SCREAM]

- Oh, Brett! Brett!

Sorry. I was just scared with what Jim did.

It wasn't Jim. This woman is nuts.

And you're all pathetic

for going along with it.

Pardon? We are pathetic? OK.

Says the grown man who chucks a tanty

when someone doesn't know who he is.

You know, this whole refined,

grown-up shtick

just makes you seem even more juvenile.

I'm sorry. Diana juvenile?

- That's a bit rich coming from you.

- Oh, what?

'Cause I'm not anally retentive

and iron my towels?

You don't even wash your own towels!

Here I am trying to live a normal life

in a normal partnership

without having to put up with

With with with what? Me? It's MY room!

It's OUR house! Are you a teenager?

- I haven't done anything bad in ages!

- Oh, yeah, you're right.

It's been ages since you publicly shamed me,

which you still haven't

apologised for, by the way.

Can you just take responsibility

for something in your life?

Oh, that's rich coming from somebody

who hightailed it off to London

without saying goodbye to anyone.

I didn't even WANT to go to

bullshit London in the first place.

I was quite happy here.

I had friends and a life.

You all drove me away!

Wow. Good to know.

Oh, no, Harry, I didn't mean

- Jim!

- [ALL SCREAM]

Will you stop doing that?

He's still lingering.

I should probably do a cleanse.

You know, exorcise any negative spirits.

I'll smudge.

Oh, probably a good idea. Smudge, smudge.

Oh, my gosh.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- OK, she has got to go.

- Can you calm down?

- No!

No. I'm not even convinced it's Mum.

I mean, since when was she into

all this voodoo stuff?

And Mum was never that short!

Yeah, well, it has been several decades.

- I knew that wedding dress was juju.

- Bad.

Just think about it, Denise.

Nothing that she has said has indicated

she knows anything about us.

I mean, she might have read an obituary

or an article about me.

We have a restaurant right here

that was called Jim's.

DIANA: OK. OK.

Is there a way if we can find out

if it's definitely her or not?

Yeah, we just need to prove that

she's a fraud, so we can report her

so she doesn't prey on any other

emotionally disturbed family.

OK, good. You've admitted

you're emotionally disturbed.

That's good. Mum?

Fine! Fine. OK, let's get some proof.

Great. Great. Brett, you can distract her.

Me? Why?

Denise and I, we can search through

the old boxes of Jim's crap

and see if there's any photographs

of her that he didn't throw out.

And, Diana,

you search her van for anything.

OK, yeah.

Harry, will you come with me?

Oh, no, Harry and I,

we'll do the distracting.

- Just we're the A-Team.

- Brett.

We're the A-Team, Harry.

OK. OK.

Distraction.

I've gone through these before.

They're mostly Dad

next to animals he's shot.

Yeah, well, we need to look again.

I know they're old, but if she's there,

there'll be some resemblance.

Hey, I thought we were getting along.

You know, I know I don't clean or pay rent

or contribute in any way at all,

but I didn't realise

you wanted me to leave.

Don't you want your own space?

- [PHONE VIBRATES]

- And life?

Get back in the game?

I mean, it must feel strange,

brooding alone in that room.

I need the toilet.

- I can help you with that!

- Arrgh!

Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you.

I just thought,

before we get back into Jim's spirit,

maybe I could show you

the irrigation system.

Oh. Why?

You know, show you

what we've done with the place.

Well, I guess I'd be a fool

to turn down an invitation

from such a handsome man.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Come on, then! [LAUGHS]

- Hey! You!

Oh!

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

God help me.

[GROANS] Have you found anything, bub?

What, are you not even

talking to me anymore?

What do you want me to talk to you about?

How much you hate 'bullshit London'?

Or the fact that you lied about

the menu and Kwame?

I didn't lie.

I just didn't tell you some stuff.

Why are you keeping things from me?

I feel like I don't know

who the real Diana is anymore.

Um, of course you do!

I am she!

You always used to talk about

how your family were

were crazy liars, and

And what?

You think I'm just like them?

[LAUGHS]

Well, that is a very exaggerated response

and I think it's coming from

a place of jealousy

because you found out

that I had an ex-boyfriend,

and maybe you thought that I was a virgin

- when I met you, like

- What?

or something like that.

Oh, sh*t! She's coming.

Oh. June.

June! Oh! June, don't worry about

the smudge sticks.

Denise has got a cupboard full of them.

- No, I'm alright.

- Well

No, no, no, no, no. June, June,

June, don't go in there. Don't! No!

[STUTTERS] Just have to

- Yeah, here it is. I got it. I got it.

- Excellent.

Let's go k*ll Jim. I mean evil Jim.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] Look, Harry, I am sorry

for all the omitting stuff,

but I swear I am not like them,

nor do I ever want to be.

I just used 'nor' in a sentence.

Like, that's how influential you are.

[CHUCKLES]

I want to be with you and live with you

and work with you because I

love you, maybe.

No, sorry, not maybe.

Arrgh! Words are weird.

I love you.

Definitely.

Aw!

Oh, my God.

Oh, my funking G.

- Anything?

- No.

[WHISTLES] This b*tch is going down.

Free them from evil

and the spirit of wickedness.

Free them from evil

and the spirit of wickedness.

- Yeah, get out of here, spirits.

- Free them from evil

Well, well, well,

if it isn't the lying swindler

that is June West,

or should I call you Njorth-rbiar-tr?

You mean you don't believe

I'm actually June?

Oh, I know you're not. Wests aren't vegans.

What kind of sick woman are you?

What do you want from us?

Njorthrbiartr is a Norse name

given to me at the commune.

- It means heroic.

- You think MY name's stupid

That still doesn't prove anything, though.

Yeah, she's right. You don't

really know anything about us.

I mean, you can't even remember

if I was a bubbly baby or not.

I mean, I don't know what it is

you want from us,

but this is where your road ends, lady.

Out!

You have three puncture wounds

in your right leg

where Jim's dog bit you when you were five.

That's why you're scared of dogs.

I'm not scared of them.

I just wouldn't own one.

Denise, do you still have

that heart-shaped birthmark

on your left bum cheek?

[GROWLS] I love that birthmark.

- So, it IS you, then.

- Yes, indeed.

Back from the dead. Whoo! [LAUGHS]

OK, well, goodnight.

I'll crash in the main bedroom.

I know where that is. [CHUCKLES]

[YAWNS]

DIANA: Are you, like, OK, dude?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Alright. Well, I know you both want me out.

So

I'm gone!

It's only for one night, yeah, your mum?

Um

Where the sh*t is everything?

WOMAN: Well, when Chef Zhao hosts the lunch,

he supplies everything himself.

I know you regret leaving

No, I don't regret anything.

You set me up for a charity event

without any ingredients.

Oh, no!

She has not moved in.

Sure looks like a case of

the old moving-in to Brett.

Do not tell Ben we were in his bin.