03x02 - Caring Gives You Cancer

[bunniefuu]

Apart from having
'Keeks' as a nickname,

she doesn't seem too suss.

I said I don't care.

You don't care if someone
hanging out with your kid

is suss or not?

How did it go down
when you met your step kids?

No, it didn't go down.

The mum wanted to meet me first,

make sure I wasn't a m*rder*r
or whatever.

So we met at this pub,

things got tense between them
and she left.

And I was walking across
the car park

and she hit me with her car.

What?!

It was intense.

And she said she didn't see me
but, like, really?

Was that supposed
to make me feel better?

Oh, hey, look at this.

OK.

Stop making me desperate
by association, please.

Any day now, J might be

accidentally calling
this Keeks b*tch Mama.

So, Oly, you ARE desperate.

And she is selling such
a cute vase on Marketplace.

- I hate vases.
- No way.

No, no, today we love vases.

No.

Oh, Oly, you're not even
a tiny bit curious?

Hey there.

Oh, this must be the vase.

Yes, ma'am.

You're not old enough to be
a ma'am. That's embarrassing.

Where did you even
get this thing?

It just, you know...
Things appear.

Is it stolen or something?

No, prob... probably not.

No, it really isn't.

OK, spill.

Well, so, last year I had
a big night with my cousins,

and I woke up
and this was in my bed.

- What?
- Yeah, like, I woke up and bam!

There it is on the pillow
next to me.

And I asked
the house party people

and this bar we went to
if it was theirs

and literally put up signs,

and nobody owns it
or knows where it came from.

Oh, my God, I love that.

It's basically how I met
my last boyfriend.

Honestly, like,
I don't hate it. I just...

I tried living with it, and it
just freaks me out too much.

Like, where did it come from?

- I do feel conflicted, though.
- Don't. Don't.

Oh, but seriously, though,

I don't have any money
on me for this.

Oh. You can transfer me.

Oh, my phone's bung.

Is there an ATM nearby?

Oh, good idea. You could stay
here and I'll go get it.

Oh, no, that's OK.
I can come with you.

Oh, weird. I had it
right... right here.

She's a major introvert.

Cool shoes!

Um, well, I guess
I better be off.

Yeah, thanks.

- Nice to chat.
- See ya.

See ya.

That was really bad, Mads.

Yeah, sh*t, she's nice.

OK, get out of my way.

You're a control freak.
You're driving me nuts.

- This is fine.
- That is...

What, no, this is fine. Ooh. Ah!

What?

I'd just like to let you guys
know that I am here eating.

And true.

Yeah.

You're still busted.
I just forgot myself.

Oh, you'll be over it
in two hours.

- Mm, we'll see.
- Yeah, OK, but what happened?

Ariel, out of the blue,
without warning,

asked my dad if he'd like
to donate his sperm to her.

- To us.
- Yeah.

But it'll be going up
your vag*na so it's weird.

- Hey, my mum was not pleased.
- OK.

It's not funny!

It isn't?

Look, she didn't even tell me
she was gonna ask.

No, we talked about it.

Yeah, I think I would've
remembered that.

I don't know,
remember talking about

how you were gonna start
composting?

- Sorry.
- Shut up.

Yeah, well, maybe you just
forgot about that too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's totally different.
- Yeah?

Mm.

Ooh, we didn't even finish...

It's alright.
I'll... I'll do it.

Thanks, Vince.

I think I'm gonna introduce J
to Keeks.

Good idea? Bad idea?

It's a big call.

Could be good.

Have you asked your dad?

He'd know a lot about
this sort of stuff.

He said, "Just don't do
what I did with Rosa."

So the only way is up, right?

Right. Ah, don't sweat it, uce.

And if things do go to sh*t,

at least you'll have a nice ute.

Yeah. Hey.

We gotta bargain him down, OK?
I'm not paying that much.

Just look along the panels,
frown a bunch, say some sh*t.

Make him scared
we've lost interest, you know?

OK.

Bit of intimidation.

I'm sorry. She's dead.

Maybe the cancer came back.

You can wake up now.

Bah!

You're not dead. It was a joke!

Oh, phew!

What's a PET scan?

A PET scan? It's a medic...

Yoo-hoo!

- Dum Dum!
- Hey!

Ohh!

Oh, you little angel.
Are you ready for the park?

What are you doing down there?

Um, I'm preparing for
a big day, actually.

Whatever works, huh?

Come on, let's get out
of this dungeon.

Oh, flowers are beautiful.

What did they say?

It's really bad news.

What is it?

It's just really terrible news.
It's...

It's back.

It's back.

I can't tell if you're joking
or processing.

Oh, dammit. I can't keep
a straight face.

Ah!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

No. No, you are not.
You are sick!

Sick! Sick!

- Off to the morgue.
- The flowers are beautiful.

Mean people don't get flowers.

Mean people
don't get cancer either.

You don't think
it's a coincidence

that I worried about everyone
else's feelings for so long,

just pouring my never-ending
emotional lab our

into the great domestic abyss,
and got cancer?

And then I stopped
doing all that

and my scan is crystal clear?

Hmm. Might have
just been the chemo.

Chemo doesn't
always work, though.

Not when it's caring
that gives you the cancer.

It's not even the weirdest
interaction I've had at all.

Like, I had one couple

who wanted to trade
my old pressure cooker

for a whole lot
of spiders in jars.

Were they... spider breeders?

I don't know.
I wasn't about to investigate.

It's a weird world
out there, babe,

so a scatty chick
and her silent friend

who pay me in full,
it's normal enough for me.

Fair enough.

Sometimes, uh, you meet
interesting people.

Yeah, you do.

- Hey.
- Hey, yeah?

I've been thinking.

And... since you love

meeting people so much,

maybe you'd be up for meeting J.

If... if you wanted to.

Meet J?

Yeah.

Excuse me, are you
making this official?

Are you saying we weren't
already official?

I'm not saying anything.

But, yeah, of course.
I'd love to meet her.

And I promise I won't turn into
an evil wicked stepmother.

Well, at least not straightaway.

Papi, watch me!

I'm watching, puchita.
Doing great.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow. You dressed up.

Oh, thanks a lot.

No, no, sorry, you look great.
It's just, um...

We're at the park.

I wanted to make
a good impression.

Sorry. No, I didn't... I didn't
mean it like that. I'm just...

Are you nervous?

No. I'm fine.

Is J here?

Yeah. Yeah, she's just...
just over by the swings.

Watch me, Papi!

I got her this. Um, I'm not sure
if it's the right kind of thing.

It's a hat.

Does she like hats?

Um...

That's a no.

sh*t.

- Should we...
- Yeah.

Let's do it.

Unless, um...
unless you wanna wait?

Won't she wonder why
I didn't turn up?

Yeah, the thing is,

she doesn't... she doesn't know
you're coming.

Why didn't you tell her?

Um...

I-I don't know.

OK.

Well, I feel stupid.

Right.

OK, then I guess
this isn't gonna happen?

Um...

Yeah. Probably not, eh.

But... but we can, um...
We can... we can do another day.

Do you want it
to be another time, though?

Huh?

What?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Keeks.

Then no, this really
isn't gonna happen.

- What?
- Papi, you're not watching me!

What the f*ck?

Whoa, Mum.
Your fascia's like butter.

I've never felt anything
this harmonious before.

Yeah, well, it's been
a pretty good couple of days.

Yeah, I mean, I knew we could
realign your tangential plane

but this is just crazy.

Yeah, I'm very relieved
for some reason.

Mm, well, this is the cumulative
effect of self-care.

People underestimate the value
of buying themselves flowers.

Oh, no, these were
bought for me.

The universe gives us what
we allow ourselves to receive.

Ooh.

Yeah, no, there's a block here.

Some tension.

Oh, wonder what
that could be from.

Hmm.

Hey, puchita. How are you?

Grangie gave me a bath.

Ah, you've had a bath.
That's good.

But why are you at Grangie's?

I had a bath b*mb.

Bath b*mb. Sounds very cool.

Papi, can we watch a movie?

Yeah, of course,
we can go see a movie.

- Can it be tomorrow?
- But, hey, um...

Is Mum not there with you?

She's sick.
She's not feeling well.

Really?

She let me have a sleepover.

Well, um, let's hope
she gets better soon, huh?

Yeah.

I should get to take her
if Oly's sick.

- Hey, I don't mind.
- Yeah, but I do.

Hey, hey, Santi,
she's having fun.

That's more important than
who it's with or where she is.

OK, but Oly can't keep
doing this.

OK, that's between you and Oly,
not me, and definitely not J.

Just let her be, Santi.

Don't ruin her night because
you're in a mood with Oly.

- Is she OK?
- Yeah.

Just don't try
taking that hat off.

Don't know where it came from
but she is obsessed.

It was a present.

Am I gonna k*ll a fish
with this plastic bag?

Mmm. Chips.

- I need to wee.
- Then wee.

I can't just wee here.

OK, relax, Ol.

I'm so relaxed.

- You're not relaxed.
- I am so relaxed!

- See.
- Mm.

- sh*t.
- What?

It's Keeks.

- What?
- Quick! Quick!

Argh! Argh!

Oh, my God.
I was kidding.

Hilarious.

Thank you.

Does it look OK?

Is it gonna leave a scar?

Mm.

Maybe in the shape of a 'K'.

- No. Don't.
- Nah. It'll be nothing.

I don't know. She doesn't
really seem like nothing.

How's your shift?

Yeah.

We had...

Sorry, you sure
you wanna hear about this?

Yeah.

We had, um...

...a woman come in.

Cervix wasn't dilating.

High blood pressure.

Baby was in... in distress.

Um... they had to do
an emergency Caesar.

Was the baby OK?

Isn't that hard?

Yeah.

Mostly it's the best day
of people's lives.

Other times it's, um...
it's not.

Hey, I've got a few
more minutes on break.

Did you need me to steal you
more biscuits?

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

OK.

Well, better make
some moves then.

Hey.

Maybe don't tell Santi
about this.

Yeah, no, I definitely will.

Say hi to Angie for me.

I hope she's doing OK.

Yeah, she's fine.

She's, uh...

Hi, this is Angie.
Leave a message.

Hey, Mum.

Um, I just wanted to say sorry

for missing your PET scan.

- I thought you had J.
- She's staying with her grandma.

But listen, um, about today.

That was my bad.

I'd say it isn't, but it is.

Yeah.

Look, it's just, um, J's had
so much change recently

and...

...I didn't realise till it was
too late, obviously, but...

It's OK.

Actually it's, um, when you said
the 'stepmother' thing.

Oh, f*ck, I knew it.

No, no, no. It's, um...

It just made me think of J
having a stepfather.

That really wigged me out.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what
that says about me but...

Maybe it's fair enough.

Yeah. Maybe.

- But, um, guess what.
- What?

- J loved the present.
- Yes!

Oh, yay!

I'm sorry.

OK?

I really am.

OK.

Vince.

Yep?

Coming.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey.

Nah, it's cool. Come. Sit.

How was work?

How are you guys going?

No, guys. No. It's fine.
What's up?

Uh, well, um...

We were talking, uh,
and thinking and...

...well, talking about you
and thinking how great you are.

You're better than great.
Wonderful.

And we don't agree on
most things.

But we definitely agree on that.

- You're the best guy we know.
- The best.

Uh... thanks.

And...

...it's Ariel's dream
to have a baby.

And I know it doesn't always
work out perfectly.

But... Oh, sorry. I think
this is maybe a bad time.

No, sorry. Go on.

You know I haven't had much luck
so far with finding a donor

and I realised it was
the universe telling me

that it was the wrong time.

So, we wondered if
you would do us the hon our...

Of giving us
your wonderful sperm?

Um...

Oh. You know it's customary

to stay in if you've not been
feeling well.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- Aww, cute.
- Yeah, well...

Must take it out of you
dropping J over here.

Or not.

Mum, so much has been happening.

- Santi has a girlfriend.
- Do we have any food?

OK, Oly, I don't need
to be involved.

Mum, I said I'm sorry.
It slipped my mind.

I've had SO much going on.
Did I even...

Hello.

What are you doing here?

- It's my weekend.
- I wanna see J.

- I thought you were sick.
- Well, come on in, everyone.

I don't want J
to meet your girlfriend.

I don't even know who she is.

Can you take that outside?
And, Bowie, they are mine.

I already told her
it's happening.

Yeah, well, I take back
my permission.

I don't need your permission.

You don't want
those raspberries, do you?

OK, out! Out!

Everybody, out. Out of my house.

Out.

You know, people at my work
buy me flowers

and my students write me
letters of thanks,

and every now and again,
they win a literary prize

and write my name
in the foreword of their book.

But...

Oh, darling,
that is beautiful drumming.

Can I meet you upstairs
in a tick?

Thank you, JJ. Great work.

What have I got here?

Is anyone thanking me in a book?

h*, no.

Is anyone paying me?

You know, at work, I get paid,
I get acknowledgement,

I get super, I get flowers.

But what do I get here?

No flowers. No super.
No acknowledgement.

Teaching award.

Literal reward.

Here... nope. No reward.

Oww!

Mum, I live here.

- Excuse me.
- No, no, no. You can't come in.

If you can't remember
my 1-year PET scan,

then you can't come in.

PET scan. Whoops.

- Yeah, same.
- Are you OK?

I'm not telling.

- Mum!
- No, it's too bad.

It's too late.

Yeah, well, if I did
indeed forget it,

it's because I blocked it out.

On purpose.

Oh, right, yeah. Classic Dom.

Oh, 'classic'.

And where does
f*cking one's oncologist

fit in the spectrum
of classic behaviour?

Well, you wouldn't touch me.

I-I'm gonna wait in the park.

Oh...

What was I supposed to do,

shrivel up and die
from sexual neglect?

Oh, that's a thing now, is it?

Hello, darling. Can we not do
this on public display, please?

Let me in.

Just because I had cancer

doesn't mean
I stopped needing you.

I drove you everywhere,

and I was at
every single appointment.

You weren't with me.
You weren't with me.

You acted like you were ferrying
around an alien made of glass.

What are you talking about?

Am I seriously
getting into trouble

because I didn't try
to get my rocks off with you

whilst you were sick?

See, that's the problem, Dom.

You wouldn't even consider

that I might have got
some much-needed pleasure too.

- Yep.
- You decided for me.

Or you were worried
you'd catch cancer.

Yeah! Yeah! That's what it was.
That's bullshit!

- Well, how would I know?
- That's not why I was angry.

You wouldn't even talk about it.

I was upset that you were
gonna die, darling!

So was I!

Which is why I don't understand

why you wouldn't do me
the dignity

of admitting
that you found me disgusting

and diseased.

I knew it
but you wouldn't say it.

There was a reason

why I was attracted
to the way he looked at me

and talked to me
and listened to me.

What, like a patient, huh?

No. Like a woman, Dom.

Like a whole woman
right there in front of him.

Yeah, with a few crappy cells,

but who could
still be desirable.

As if any of our break-ups
over the years

have ever been about me
not wanting you.

No wonder J's getting in trouble

if that's how your mum is
around her.

Are you kidding?

You have literally zero respect
for what it's like to be a mum.

I'm pretty sure she was
including you in the rant.

Yeah. Well, at least
I can acknowledge it.

Oh, look at that.
Oly wins again. Huh?

We need her to not see
this kind of thing.

Yeah, I know. I don't want it
to be like this either.

So I think that we should just
use this as a drop-off point

and we can coordinate so that
we don't have to cross paths.

And that way, J doesn't
have to see anything bad

and we can just move on
with our lives.

Is that...
Is that what you want?

Yeah.

Sensible boundaries sounds...

...sounds sensible.

Starting now.

- Fine.
- Fine.

OK.

Nice car.