03x10 - No Fairytales

[bunniefuu]

Quick, down here. Santi!

I don't think they saw us.

Hide before Arlo's parents
find you.

If that is what growing up is,
I don't want to do it.

Promise me we will never
become those parents.

I solemnly swear.

Don't look at me like that.

Like what?

Like that.

I've missed you so much.

What's wrong?

You broke up with me.

We were supposed to
be together forever

and you broke up with me, Oly.

I just needed some time.

All I heard was
that the person I loved

didn't want to be with me
anymore.

Well, we weren't happy.

I guess...

I guess maybe I blamed you
and that wasn't fair.

But, Santi, I love you.
I don't want to be with Michael.

I'm moving in with Keeks, Oly.

What?

I'm moving in with Keeks.

I've got to go.

As a mother,

I have to say that nothing
in my life before this moment

has been as spiritually
significant as this.

When you actually are a mother,
let me know.

Fair.

Oh, London town.

Best city in the world.

If you say so, Reema.

Yeah, I'm thinking
of moving back.

- No, you can't do that.
- Why not?

Because if you do,

you will break
a beautiful Samoan boy's heart.

That's ridiculous.

Why, what did he say?

- Ooh-hoo-hoo!
- What?

Um, I think my waters
just broke.

Oh. OK. Are you sure?

Uh, I mean, there's not
a lot of it, but I think so.

I'm gonna wake up Vince
right now.

- No. No way.
- Why not?

Because I'm not even
having contractions yet.

Just let him rest.

He is an actual professional
midwife asleep upstairs.

I am having a natural birth,

so we could have two days
of this before it starts.

So, just let him rest.

Ariel...

I'm gonna do my breathing.

Ooh!

I'm getting Vince.

You promised me that
I could have a natural birth.

I did not promise that.

- Ugg boots?
- Yeah. On the side of the bed.

I'm pretty sure you did.
I don't want to be induced.

Yes, Ariel, my friend,
but sometimes...

No. It says right here
on my birth plan,

we go when the contractions
are five minutes apart.

If your waters haven't broken.

Well, I'm not letting you check.

Trust me, I'm more than happy
with that call,

but if they have,
you need to be induced

if your contractions
don't start within 24 hours.

- Lavender oil?
- Bookshelf.

Fine, then we wait 24 hours.

Salt lamp?

Don't know how I missed it.

- Krabi?
- Here. It's here.

Visualising your happy place

is an incredibly effective
pain relief technique.

Yeah, that should do it.

I don't want
medical interventions.

You know women in Sub-Saharan
Africa are literally dying

because of a lack of
medical interventions, right?

Now you're just being mean.

We will take you
first thing in the morning.

Yes. And if anything changes,
we go immediately.

OK.

- Good.
- OK.

Falcons fly at dawn.

Jacinda?

Jacinda?

Bowie?

- Bowie!
- Mm, what? What's wrong?

- Where's J?
- I checked on them.

- OK. She's not there.
- What?

Jacinda!

Gracie!

Jacinda! Gracie!

Bowie? Call Santi!

Their backpacks have gone.

- What?
- Their backpacks have gone.

Jacinda! Gracie!

Reems?

She resting?

Yeah. Can't sleep?

Just thinking.

You know, a year ago,
I was married, at uni,

living in a fabulous apartment

above a vegan supermarket
in Shore ditch.

Wow.

And now, I'm a dropout,
living with my mum

and I'm your donee's
birth support partner.

Yeah, life's strange, huh?

- It's one word for it.
- Mm.

Reems, there's no-one else
on this earth

I'd rather as my donee's
birth support partner.

And I mean that.

It just feels like
everything's about to change.

I'm just gonna...

Do you know the way home?

It's dark here. This isn't fun
anymore. I'm going home.

Wait for me!

Oh, my goodness! Oh!

- What was that?
- I'm scared.

Who's over there?

- Where are your parents?
- Stop.

Alright, then.
Where's your house?

We're not supposed to
talk to strangers.

That is very wise,
but I think in this situation,

it might be necessary,
don't you think?

Jacinda! Gracie!

Do you think
that might be your mum?

That's definitely not our names.

Right.

They're over here!

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, are you OK?

- We set Migaloo free, Mummy.
- Thank God.

Pretty high-level
parenting fail there.

Just saying.

- Bowie.
- Hey. Hey, JJ.

JJ...

I was worried sick, alright?

Sorry, Uncle Bowie.

Come here. Are you OK?

- You're OK.
- Yeah.

Puchita? Puchita.

Papi!

Hey, Keeks.

- You're OK.
- She's OK.

She's OK, Santi. She's OK.

You're OK.

You promise me

you'll never ever go out without
your grown-ups again, OK?

OK, I promise.

OK, you're safe. It's alright.

Please just never do that
again, OK, because we love you.

- I promise.
- Keeks...

Thank you so much
for coming to help.

- Hey, Debbie.
- Alright, you two. Bed.

Upstairs. Up you go.

Come on, you two.
Up you go before you get cold.

- Ol, Ol. I'm so sorry.
- They're OK.

Oh, my God, I'm so
relieved they're alright.

I can't even imagine
how you must have felt.

That was just
the absolute worst.

I can't believe it.

They're so naughty!

Has she done
this kind of thing before?

Nah.

- Ah!
- Hey, guys. Coffee?

Tinto is the one for you,
music man.

Gracias, Gabe.

- And café for Mama.
- Mm.

No sugar.

Let me take out the laundry.

I told you he was gonna
come around.

Wow.

Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry.

I was at Edie's.
I had my phone on silent.

Oh, my gosh, are you OK?

Bowie told me all about it.

He might never have sex again.

You know
they planned the whole thing?

They took snacks.

What am I gonna tell
Gracie's dads?

Oh! She is gonna be a handful
when she's a teenager.

Hopefully she doesn't top
having a baby.

Is Santi OK?

You were right.
No fairytale endings.

Well, I mean, sometimes the
princess jumps out of the tower

and falls in love with
the prince's sister, so...

Thank you. That is completely
relatable in this scenario.

Mum...

- I got the scholarship.
- Oh!

Wow! That is amazing!

Congratulations!

Thank you.

I really wanted it.

I mean, I can't go,

but it was good to know that
I was good enough to get it.

Why not?

What do you mean, why not?

Why can't you go?

Because I am the mother
of a five-year-old girl.

I can't do anything.

I would miss her.
She would miss me.

Yeah, that's true,

but Santi's here and I'm here

and Dom and Rosa and Bernard it a.

Her whole family's here for her.

It's just one semester,
isn't it? Three months?

Four. Nearly four.

Yeah, it won't be easy,
but she'll be fine.

Oh, here they are,
the nocturnal adventurers.

Can we have pancakes, Grangie?

With syrup?

I think little girls
who sneak out at night

and almost give
their poor mother a heart attack

do not deserve pancakes.

Uh-uh-uh.

What's going on?

It's time to go.

I've packed your, um, sneakers,

your Eminem shirt, your charger.

It's not the way I wanted
things to go, but, um...

The thing is, Santi,

you're not ready for this

and maybe you never will be.

I'm not gonna be
anyone's backup plan.

- That's not what you are.
- Isn't it?

No.

I'm really sorry, Keeks.

Hey.

- Thought you left.
- Bakery. I am starving.

Hell, yeah. Me too.
I dibs this one.

That's mine.

Not on my bed.

Ohh! This sucks! Ohh!

- Is that...
- It's go time.

- Vince!
- I'm coming, Ariel, I'm coming.

- Far out!
- Can you turn around, please?

- What?
- Please. Come on!

Oh, my God.

What is going on?

I'm coming.

- Are you done yet?
- Yeah, I'm good.

Please don't turn around.

- Ready, watch this, watch this.
- Did you do that?

- Did you put in the chilli?
- Habaneros. Look.

No, piss.

- What? Whose piss?
- Mine, obviously.

- Gabe, no!
- It's too good.

Honestly, man, I can't believe
you came up with this idea.

Gabe, look, you can't
make a kid drink piss!

He dakked me in front of
a bunch of chicks in PE.

- I know that's bad, but...
- What did you expect?

Hello, hello.

- Hola.
- Hi.

- What's going on?
- Nada.

Nothing.

Just Gabe needed some advice
with some boy stuff.

Ay, no. Spare me.

I have to go to the big shop
because...

- Ciao.
- 'Bye, baby.

Gabe, you need to know when
to stop while you're ahead.

Sure.

Yes.

That's it.

- What's that?
- Salt lamp.

- So, you're the partner?
- Oh, no. He's the donor.

- Oh, you're the partner?
- No, I'm the donor's... friend.

Then, I'm sorry, but I'll
need you to wait outside.

- Oh, no.
- No.

Reema's practically
my doula, so...

It's OK, Ariel.
I'll be right outside, OK.

You're gonna be amazing.

Let's get you onto the bed.

Vince is also a midwife.

That's why he knows
how to operate a salt lamp.

Put your feet together.

- Feet together.
- Yeah, that's it.

And let your knees fall open.
OK, here we go.

Oh.

How long have you
had contractions?

Six hours.

And your membrane ruptured
more than 12 hours ago?

Yeah.

OK, you're still
only at two centimetres.

I'm afraid we might have to do
an augmentation

to get things moving faster.

OK.

What's an augmentation?

Because I'm not having
an induction.

- It's an induction.
- No.

No, no, no, no!

That's not part of the plan

because I'm having
a natural birth.

I don't want interventions.

I have a birth plan.

- Oh, you are amazing!
- What's happening?

Apparently we could
be waiting a while.

OK, cool. How's Vince?

He's fine.

OK. I am detecting
a sort of infrared glow to you.

Oh, my God, no way!

- You and...
- Hey, shh.

Hey.

- Can I sit here?
- Yeah.

- Hey, Santi.
- Hey.

- How you going?
- They're inducing her now.

Uce, you're gonna
have a baby, bro.

Yeah, it's crazy, man.

I may have missed J's birth,

but I'm not gonna miss
your kid's.

Well, I mean,
you kind of were there.

Oh, God,
the whole school was there.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ol.

Is this OK for you to, like,
be here? Do you have PTSD?

That day was so scary.

It was like being in
a zombie horror movie

where alien body-snatchers
take my best friend.

Are you OK?

Wait, I don't get it.
What's funny?

No, you're right.

At the time,
I thought that my life was over,

but I'm gonna be fine.

I'm just remembering
the paramedic's face.

Poor guy was, like...

He just didn't know
what to say to Mum.

He's, like, "Um, is it possible
that she's pregnant?"

And I was like this kid
in school uniform, like,

"f*ck that,
no way am I pregnant,"

as I was literally giving birth.

He was like, "Um, I don't know
how to tell you this..."

I wish I could have
been there for you, Ol.

Yeah, well, you didn't know.

I just realised
I never got to hold her.

Alright. She's here.

I am strong and I am amazing.

I am amazing.

Strong and I am amazing.

Ariel, let's get you...

Let's get you sitting, hey?
Hey, look.

It's alright. Sit down.
Do you need help?

- Hey.
- Hey.

Baby, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Talia, we have quite a lot
to talk about,

but maybe now
is not the right...

Wait, wait, Vince,
what's going on?

Here, take this.

The labour's being induced.

It makes the contractions
very intense.

Baby's heart rate's a bit low.

You're OK.

You're OK. You're OK.

Hey, Ariel, Ariel. Ariel,

I'm a bit worried about
the baby's heart rate.

We need to slow this down

to give your body
the chance to catch up.

We need to give you an epidural.

- Hey.
- No.

Ariel, I know this is not
part of your birth plan

but I can assure you
this is the safest thing

for you and your baby.

Vince?

OK. OK. OK.

You've got this, OK?

You're alright.
You can do this.

I got snacks.

- Oh, my God.
- Whoo!

This is for you.

No, that one was for me,
I think.

- What did we land?
- I got you some pink licorice.

Thank you.

But, no, he's a disaster.

He's like g*y kryptonite.

How is it possible
for a 27-year-old man

to be this bad at sex?

Like, I don't understand.

It's not complex machinery,
you know.

Get a licence.
Learn how to drive it.

OK, so, you broke up with him?

No, not yet.

He's got this converted
warehouse in Marrickville

and I've always had a thing
for the industrial baroque,

so it's, like, you know...

Ol, um, are you OK
with the Bowie thing?

Oh, yeah, that's none of my...

You guys are both
consenting adults.

Oh, my God, that's great.

I was really hoping
you would be 'cause...

Hey, what about you
and that hard hat, hi-vis girl?

Yeah, uh, we broke up.

He's like this sexual
multiverse of possibility.

I came, like, four times.

Once he was
hardly even touching me...

Oh, wow, OK. No, that's enough.

I really don't need
any more information

about my family's
personal sexual discoveries.

I think I'm in love with him.

- I'm happy for you.
- Mm.

Come on, come on, baby.
You're OK, come on.

- Well done. We can see the head.
- You've got this.

- Push.
- Yeah?

Push now. Push.

Forceps.

Hey, what are you doing?
What is she doing?

It's definitely a situation

where the less you know,
the better.

What is it?

It's OK. I'm here, babe.

I haven't actually decided

whether or not
I am gonna forgive you.

You're definitely
still on probation.

Yeah, fair enough, babe.

One big push from you now.

- OK.
- Let's go.

- Let's go, girl.
- Go on.

Big one.

Episiotomy scissors.

Jesus, now what?

OK, Ariel, we need
one more push. You can do this.

We need to get
this baby out now.

- Push.
- Come on. You got it.

Come on, Ariel.

- You're doing great.
- You're doing well.

It's a little boy. Clamp.

That's him. That's him.
He's out. He's out.

Baby's flat.

Go.

Vince, what's going on?

- Is he OK?
- Is he OK?

He's OK. He's OK.
Congratulations, Mum.

That's good.

You did it. You did it.

- He's OK.
- Ah!

I'm so glad you're here.

Hi.

He's so beautiful.

You did it. You did it.

- I missed you, I missed you.
- Same.

I love you.

Hey.

OK, Mum,
we need you to scoot down

and we're gonna birth
the placenta.

- Baby to Dad.
- Yeah, go on, Dad.

Hey, Vince, you've gotta do
skin-to-skin, yeah.

Skin-to-skin.

You did it. You did it.

Let's go.

- Hi there, little fella.
- Hi, cutie.

He's looking at me.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

You guys, you guys, it's a boy!

He's OK. Everyone's OK.
He's alright.

- Oh, my God!
- You owe me 50 bucks.

No way! He could be gender fluid
or non-binary.

- Is Vince OK?
- Yes.

Can we go and see him?

Do you reckon that's them?

- He's smiling at me.
- No!

Oh, here he is. Come on.

- He just smiled.
- He smiled.

He's just been smiling.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Babies don't smile.

Want to meet new people?

- Hello.
- Say hi.

Hola, puchito.

- He's so cosy.
- Hola, puchito.

Hello! He's got your nose, bro.

Cute, isn't he! Isn't he!

Hello.

- Hey.
- Wow.

Don't be rude. Say hi.

He's waving.
That was a wave.

- Was it?
- That was a wave.

That was definitely a wave.

- Uncle Santi.
- Uncle Santi.

- Tío Santi.
- Aww.

- Oh, hey!
- Aww!

Congratulations.

His little face!

- I just wanna...
- Yeah.

- Eat him.
- I want to eat him.

- Do need me to move?
- Just a tiny bit.

What's on your face?
You keep scratching.

It's OK.

I do!

Mi amor, like a queen!

Yeah?

Uh, Hector, uh...

Qué Paso?

I-I kind of f*cked up.

Judgement, the Death card
and the Hanged Man.

f*ck. Sorry, you guys.

- Can you be more specific?
- Um, bad.

It could be... quite bad. Yeah.

I'm sorry. It's...

I don't believe
in this stuff anyway.

Lucky! We're rational people.

- Yes! Oh!
- Ow! Sorry.

Got him! Yes!