01x11 - Til Death Do We Rock

[bunniefuu]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Fear the Mollusk!

[upbeat rock music]

* *

- * Cafeteria mush,
cafeteria mush *

* You're
a sticky mystery to me *

* That I love to eat *

* You're gooey and hard,
spicy and bland *

* Why I'd want to eat you,
I don't understand *

* Ooh, ooh *

- Aah!

- * Oooh *

[panting]

How'd I do, guys?

I did great, right?

- My brain hurts.

I dead.

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go
to school today *

* The sun is red hot
and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught
they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies
just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band
is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]
Thank goodness that's over.

You know, there's something

about being a lead singer
in rock band

that makes you feel invincible.

- Hey, man, watch
where you're going.

- Maybe it's the access
to all the hot clubs.

- Ooh, join our science club.
[clang]

- Maybe it's the endless throng
of groupies.

- I got a piece
of Nate Wright's hair.

- Ayy.
- Who's Nate Wright?

[screams]

- Or maybe it's
the irrefutable fact

that the girl I've been
crushing on

since the first grade

will finally have to notice me.

[sighs] Jenny.

- Oh, Jenny, my love.

- [groans]
- Artur!

- Your eyes glisten
like the oil

in Stylgravian Lake.

- [retches] I threw up
in my mouth a little bit.

Of course, it wouldn't
nearly be as disgusting

if I was in Artur's shoes.

- [sighs]
[lasers zapping]

Aw.
[giggles]

Oh, Ultra-Nate, my hero.

- Gimme some sugar, baby.

I love you my little
mall food court cinnamon bun.

- I love you too, bro.

Hey, but in a lip-lock
sort of way.

And only my mom calls me
"cinnamon bun."

[laughter]
- What in the world?

- All right, laugh it up,
knuckleheads.

All I know is Jenny's gonna
go totally nuts for me

when she sees me
singing in the band.

- If by nuts
you mean driven to madness

by your bowel-clenching
screeches.

- Wait, what?
- Nothing.

- Hey, speaking
of Fear the Mollusk,

I think we're ready to release
our awesomeness on the world.

What do you say, guys?

- You mean, like, play
in front of actual people

with opinions, and ears,

and the ability
to throw things?

- No, in front of sock puppets.

Yes, actual people.
Who else?

- I--I don't know...

- Uh-uh, uh-uh.
- Shh, shh.

- If they can handle
the awesomeness.

Great idea, Nate.
- [chuckles] Thanks, Dee Dee.

All right,
next stop, superstardom.

See you guys at practice!

- We have to come clean
with Nate,

tell him his singing sucks.

- [yelling]
[dog whimpering]

Aah!

- [whistling]

- [gasps]
Are you Martin?

Of Peter, Paul, and Martin,

America's favorite
adult contemporary folk trio?

I'm a huge fan!

* A man isn't a man *

* Until he's used
a public bathroom *

That guitar solo you did
at the Frier-Katz wedding was

off-the-chain mellow.

- Well, that's--
wow, I'm very touched.

- What brings you to P.S. 38?

- I'm here to pick up my son,
Nate Wright.

You know him?
- Know him?

He's only
my most creative student.

But I guess it runs
in his blood.

- Hopefully unemployment
doesn't run in his blood too.

- Hey now, no frowny face.

We creative types
have to stick together.

I work for this
catering company on the side.

Teaching feeds my soul,

but catering feeds my family.

You should give them a call.

- Thanks!
- Dad?

Dad, what are you--oh.
You lost your job again.

- [chuckles]
But I've got a new job.

You'll never guess what it is.

- Aw, come on,
give me a hint.

- It starts with a "C."

- C...CEO!
You're the big boss?

Dad, that's huge!
I am so proud of you.

- I'm so proud of me too
for being a CEO,

which is what I am.
[panting]

- Hey.
What are you guys doing here?

- We need to talk.

- You guys gotta be
kidding me.

I mean, I'm Nate Wright,
destined for awesomeness,

destined to be the lead singer
of Fear the Mollusk.

- * Fear the Mollusk *

- We know your name.

We also know
you're in total denial.

- Observe.

[rock music playing]

- Hey, wow, we sound great.

* Cafeteria mush *

What is that sound?

An owl choking
on a chicken bone?

Bagpipes in a microwave?

A manatee getting hit
by a boat propeller?

- It's you, Nate!

For the love
of all things sacred,

it's you singing!

- It's awful!
Turn it off.

Turn it off!
- [grunting]

[electricity crackles]

Okay, fine.
You guys win.

We'll hold
lead singer auditions

tomorrow after school.

- Now you're talking sense.
- Good man.

- But we'll only settle
for the best.

Now this person must have
rock star charisma,

k*ller dance moves,
and most importantly,

mind-boggling singing chops.

- Or just be better than you.

- [scoffs]
We'll see.

- It says here
that you completed

half a semester of college?

- Well, I dropped out
to tour with my band,

Peter, Paul, and Martin.
You heard of us?

- Mr. Wright,
exactly what position

did you have in mind here
at Happy-to-Serve Catering?

- C...E...O?
[whimpers]

- I'm the CEO.

- Understood, 10-4.

Not trying to steal your job,

but is there another CEO spot
like Cutlery Expert Operator?

- We're hiring for
a temporary catering position.

- I'll take it.
- I haven't offered it

to you yet.
- You won't be sorry.

[horn honks]

- I kind of already am.

- As your manager, Nate,

I'm really proud of you
for putting your ego aside

for the sake of the band.

- Yeah, yeah.
Let's just get this over with.

[horse neighs]

- * Home, home on the range *
- No.

- * Rah, rah, ooh, rah, rah *
- No.

- * The wheels on the bus
go round and round *

- No.
- [inhales deeply]

- No.
- Aw.

- * There's a squirrel
in the nut house *

- No.
- * Tasty-taste *

- No.
- [squeals]

- No, no, no.
Niet, Nein.

No, no, no, no.
maybe, wait for it--no!

- All right, new guy,
let's start your training.

I need you to take that tray

and serve every dummy
at that table their bubbly.

And by bubbly,
I mean ginger ale.

- No problem.

[clears throat]

Ooh.

[grunting]

[crash]

- Aah!

[electricity crackles]
[expl*si*n]

- [grunts]

- [grimaces]

Oh, sorry, sir.

Here, let me give you my shirt.

Oh, what?

Hold on.
[glasses clinking]

Easy, easy.
Phew.

[glasses shatter]
Oh my, what have I done?

* *

So how'd I do?

- How would you feel
about working in the bathroom?

- I'll do it.

[bell rings]

- Ah, well,
it was worth a shot.

Guess I'm still
our best option, though.

- Hmm.
Oh, what about Dee Dee?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

My voice is an instrument

to be used
strictly for the theater.

- All right,
well, then it's settled.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go drop a mollusk
in a tide pool.

My charmingly stubborn plan
to stay lead singer is working.

- * We Stylgravians
are fearful people *

- Huh?

- * Unquestionably devoted
to our Motherland *

- W-w-wait a minute.
I only know one Stylgravian.

Oh, no, no, no!

- Is that someone singing?
- What is that sweet sound?

- Ay, es perfecto.
- No, no, no, no.

Uh, hey. [chuckles]
Oh, whoops.

What's up, guys?

- Nate, was that you singing?

- Oh, uh, you could hear that?

Uh, y-yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

That--that was me.

* We Stylgravians
are a fearful people *

[all groaning]

- Friend Nate!

You know Stylgravian
national anthem?

- Artur, I had
to check my pulse

to make sure I didn't die...
- [groans]

- Because you have
the voice of an angel.

- Where'd you learn
to sing like that?

- Always I have sing like that.

In my village in Stylgravia,

whenever the goats
were getting nervous,

my singing would soothe them
into peaceful slumber.

[goats bleat]

- Uh, why were the goats
so nervous?

- They were
about to be sacrificed.

[clang]
[goats bleating]

- Emergency band huddle.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- That Artur smells like ham?
- No!

That we should
totally ask Artur

to be the lead singer
of Fear the Mollusk.

- Totally.
- 100% with you.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Aren't you guys forgetting
something?

Artur's my nemesis, hello?

- Hello, Friend Nate.

- I like Artur.
- He's really cool.

- He's also super annoying.
And he's with Jenny!

- [gasps] So?

- So, I should be with Jenny!

- I think Jenny should be with
whoever Jenny wants to be with.

- All of favor of asking Artur

to be our lead singer
say "Aye."

all: Aye!
- [groans]

Fine.
I'll do what the band wants,

even though the band is making
a ginormous mistake.

- Artur, how would you like
to be the lead singer

in our band?
- Really? You mean this?

In Artur country,
crying is forbidden

because otherwise
we would never stop.

both: Aw.
- Hey, Artur,

you know, being the lead singer
in a band

is a big responsibility.

So, you know,
if you wanted to back out,

now would be the time.

- I will not let you down,
Friend Nate.

And if I am not deliver,

I demand to receive

traditional Stylgravian
punishment for failure,

public shaving followed
by no hugs for a month.

[speaking native language]

- Well, that won't be
necessary.

All you have to do
is show up at practice.

We're meeting at Nate's house
at 5:00.

- Okay, then I will be there.

Seeing you later, friends.

- Wow.
Smart, handsome,

and a singer in a band?

No wonder Jenny's
madly in love with him.

[banging]

- He'll be all right.

- [crunching]

- Marty's got himself
a new job.

- New job?

I thought you just became
a CEO.

- Oh, uh--

Remember, Martin,

you already told him
you were a CEO.

Keep up the ruse.

Give him
something to believe in.

Uh, why, yes.

You are looking
at a new CEO.

- That's great, Dad!
When do you start?

- Uh...
[phone rings]

Hold that thought.
Hello?

Oh, hi.
Tomorrow?

The Mayer-Saferson wedding?

sh**t, my band was supposed
to play that wedding.

You don't care.
Yes, of course I understand.

- Mm, CEO business?

- Sorry, son.
I have to make a few calls.

This is Martin Wright.
I'm really sorry,

but you're gonna have to find
a new band for the wedding.

Yes, I--I know
it's last minute.

- But not too late
for me to become

an international rock
sensation.

- Hey, Peter, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news, but--

[shouting over phone]
[sighs]

I'm gonna draw a lukewarm bath.
Papa needs pampering.

- [laughs]
[phone beeping]

[clears throat]
Yes, I heard

you're looking
for a band to play

at your wedding tomorrow?

All right, Project:
Nate Wright is a Rock God

is back on.

- * Fear the Mollusk *
- Hello, Friend Nate.

- Just need to take care
of Mr. Perfect over there.

- Oh, uh, hello, Artur.

Did you find my house okay?
- Was super easy.

I just follow howls of despair
from your faithful hound.

[barking]

- Look, I want you to know

that I don't in any way
resent you

or scream into a pillow
every night

wishing you weren't born
for taking my rightful place

as lead singer in the band.

- That is most mature of you,
Nate.

You are good friend.

- [chuckles]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And good friends like us
should really know

each other's weaknesses.

Like, uh, my weakness
is nothing.

Do you have any weaknesses
I should know about,

Friend Artur?

- Well, to tell truth,

I only sing in private before.
Or to goats.

In my village
in Stylgravia,

it is believed that any time
there is immodest singing...

- * Stylgravia *

- It attracts
a legendary two-headed beast

called the Azdaya
who eats our loved ones.

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah.
I can definitely use this.

- [munching]
- Whatcha doing buddy?

- Collecting nuts

before the squirrels
get 'em all.

[squirrel squeaks]

- Yeah, good thinking.

So I need you to do me
a little favor.

- Hey, Artur, what's up?

- Oh, nothing, just waiting.

We Stylgravians are known
for our waiting.

- Okay, everyone, okay.
Thank you for coming.

I have a very important
announcement to make.

I got us a gig.

We're gonna be playing
a very public wedding--

- [whimpers]
- Very public.

Tomorrow!
- Oh, this couldn't be

better timed.

I just got you all new outfits.

- Um, Dee Dee,
what am I to sing?

- Oh right, sorry, Artur.

Mm, how's your sight-reading?

- Excellent.
- [grumbles]

- Perfect.
Here you go.

All right then, everyone.
A one, two, three--

[upbeat rock music]

- * Cafeteria mush,
cafeteria mush *

* You're a sticky mystery to me
that I love to eat *

* You are gooey and hard,
spicy and bland *

* Why I'd want-- *
- Oh, no!

It's the Azdaya.
Artur, run!

- [growling]

- Aah!
[screams]

I promise I never sing again!

Just leave me alone,
hateful creature!

- Well, that was
surprisingly easy.

- What was that all about?

- Oh, Artur probably just got
stage fright.

You see, Dee Dee,
being lead singer takes

a certain kind
of je ne sais quat.

- You know what, Nate?
You're right.

We've been so focused
on your totally awful singing,

we've overlooked
your leadership.

- And trustworthiness.

- Yeah, and the way
you'd never, ever trick anyone

into leaving the band, Nate.

- Okay, that last one was
oddly specific.

- We'll support you,

even though your singing
should only be used

as a deterrent
during a national emergency.

- Because that's
what band members do.

They support each other.

- Francis made
a good point there, bro.

Hope you were listening.

- W-w-wait, hey!
Shouldn't we keep practicing?

- [growls]

Was the growling
too over the top?

- You did good, pal.

- [growls]

[glasses clink]

- Fear the Mollusk
has arrived.

- * Fear the Mollusk *

- Would you like
an hor d'oeuvre?

- Gee, thanks, Mr. Rosa.

all: Mr. Rosa?
- Hi, kids.

Beautiful wedding, isn't it?

- You're the band?

- * Fear the Mollusk *

- At your service.

- But you said you played
The Grammys.

- Well, technically
that's true.

My Grammy loves it
when I play the drums for her.

- Oh, I knew it sounded
too good to be true.

Just don't eat
any of the food, okay?

- [gags]

- Dad?
- Nate? Nate.

What are you guys doing here?

- Oh, well, we're the new band.

- Well, this is great.

I get to hear my son's band
play their first gig.

- [chuckles]
And I get to see-e-o

my dad CEO--

this is
not really a verb--ing.

Why do you have
to be here anyway?

I thought you were the boss.
- I am.

You there, keep doing
what you're doing.

[glasses shatter]

And clean up that mess.

Well, I better go
boss some more people around.

Knock 'em dead, son!

[dramatic music]

- "Cafeteria Mush" on three.
A one, two, three.

- You look so beautiful
right now.

- * Cafeteria mush,
cafeteria mush *

* You're a sticky mystery to me
that I love to eat *

* You're gooey and hard *

- Oh, I can't do this.

- The music or the marriage?

- Both!
- Whoa!

- * Oooh *

[all screaming]

Oh, my gosh.

Guys, what did we do?

[alerts dinging]

Oh, geez, oh, no, no.

Oh, geez, what have I done?

- Trust me,
a successful relationship

has nothing to do with love.

- Aah!
[panting]

Dad?
What are you doing in here?

- Me?
Oh, I'm just washing my hands.

As one does in a bathroom.

- Thanks for the bro talk,
dude.

You're really good at your job.

- Dad, why did that strange man
just pay you

for a moist towelette
and a peppermint?

- Well, um, because I, uh--
[groans]

I'm not a CEO.

I couldn't even hack it
as an apprentice caterer.

I'm a--
- Towel boy.

- Actually, my title is
Bathroom Attendant.

[sighs]

Anyway, I just wanted you to be
proud of your old man.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Nate.

- No, no, it's--it's okay.
Look, if we're being honest,

I'm not a perfect singer.

I--I mean, I'm good, duh.
[chuckles]

But I'm more
of an acquired taste.

You know?
Ahead of my time.

- But you're a great drummer.

Sometimes we have to accept
the things we're bad at...

- Never said I was bad.

- To see
what we're really good at.

For me,
that's handing people towels

and playing therapist
to men in nice suits.

- Dad, there's something
I gotta do.

- Go get 'em, tiger.

[epic music]

- Marty, we, uh, need you
in the women's restroom.

It's the bride.
- Say no more.

I'm on it.
- Towel boy, yeah!

["In Your Eyes"
by Peter Gabriel playing]

- [panting]

- * All my instincts,
they return *

- Aah!

- Oh, Friend Nate,
it is just you.

I thought it was
the Azdaya again.

Face me, creature born
of mud and sullied vegetation!

I right here!

- Artur, look,
that wasn't the Azdaya.

It was just Chad.
- [screams]

- I was jealous of you

and your bonkers,
amazing singing voice,

and for dating Jenny.

Still not gonna let
that last one go.

But for now,
we need you, Artur.

We need you to sing.

- Okay, well...
I think about it.

- No, Artur,
you're not getting it.

We literally need
you to sing right now.

- [weeping]
- I can't tell you what to do.

I can only tell you

that the man out there
loves you.

Not just the woman he met

at Bobby Weston's
26th birthday party,

but the woman you are today,

the woman you'll be
in ten years, 30 years.

Heck, 50 years!

- You really think so?

- I know I think
I think I know so.

- Thank you.
- I'm just doing my job.

Ooh.

- Always the bridesmaid,
never the bride!

Aah!
[expl*si*n]

- Here.

- Oh, thank goodness
you're here.

Francis and Teddy
have been cycling

through the same three songs

and the guests are going crazy.

- Then we can't do
any of our regular songs.

- May I take liberty to sing
private love song

I wrote for Jenny?
- No, barf.

- Nate!
- [groans] Fine.

- [screaming]

- Okay, then.

In the key of sheep.
[sheep bleat]

[romantic melody]

* In my tiny village
is Stylgravia *

* I dream
about a girl like you *

* Eyes bright
like the flaming goats *

* We sacrificed
for good harvest of oats *

* Lips so soft,
they call to me *

* Like friendly sheep dog
devoid of fleas *

* Oh, American dream girl *

* You are to me
the whole world *

* No, not just a new start *

* You are my petty,
capitalist sweetheart *

* I can't contain
myself much longer *

* Can't you hear my heart? *

* Girl, it beats
so brazenly *

* 'Cause I love you
immodestly *

* Whoa, can't you hear
my heart *

* Girl, it beats
so brazenly *

* 'Cause I love you
immodestly *

- Aww.
[giggles]

- Jenny?
- Jenny, my love!

I did not know
you were be here.

- The bride is my cousin's
cousin thrice removed.

We're a tight-knit family.

Artur, that was amazing.

Why didn't you tell me
you were in a band?

- I was ashamed of my singing.

- [laughs nervously]

- But my fellow bandmates
show me

I have no reason
to be afraid.

- Ugh.
Okay, okay.

Maybe I deserve this.
Or maybe--

[Azdaya growls]
- Aah!

- [giggling]

- That's more like it.

- Aah!

[upbeat rock music]

- * Cafeteria mush,
cafeteria mush *

* You're
a sticky mystery to me *

* That I love to eat *

* You're gooey and hard,
spicy and bland *

* Why I'd want to eat you,
you don't understand *

* Ooh, ooh *

Whoo!