01x12 - Randy's Mom Has Got it Going On

[bunniefuu]

- Blinded by passion,
Antony and Cleopatra embarked

on an affair so scandalous
it rained chaos

and destruction
upon all in their wake.

- One minute to sweet,
sweet freedom.

- Wanna come to the arcade
with us?

- I'll actually already
be there with my dad.

We're having
some father-son time.

- Zip it!

- So today's
Teacher Appreciation Day,

and ironically enough,
it is awesome.

It's a half day.
And best of all,

no demon-boy, Randy.

- Hey, booger breath.

- Gah!
- Nate!

- Randy kicked--
- Zip it!

- [groans]

Randy is P.S. 38's
resident jerk

and the turd
in my personal punch bowl.

He's been a total whack job
since kindergarten,

but I've never once seen him
get in trouble.

Not once!
It's super annoying.

Ah!

[school bell rings]

* It's a half day *

* They can't make us stay*

* Get to go and play *

* The arcade's gonna
be cray cray *

Ah!

- Did you have
a nice trip, loser?

- Nate Wright!
- What?

I--I didn't do anything.

- To Principal Nichols'
office now!

- [chuckling]
- You too, young man.

- I didn't do anything.

Ah!

- [groans]
Way to go, Randy.

Now you blew up
your own afternoon too.

You happy?
- I wasn't gonna

do anything anyway.

- [chomping]

[all chomping]

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go
to school today *

* The sun is red hot
and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught
they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies
just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band
is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

* Big Nate *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- [panting]

- Dad, you look like a dog
waiting for the mailman.

What's up?
- Nate will be home

any minute for father-son
bonding day!

Ooh, you wanna join?

Father-spawn bonding day
would be even more

"copasetic" as the kids say.

- Hard pass.
- I get it.

You're growing up.

You don't wanna hang
with your old dad anymore.

You have a life.

- Maybe it's time for you
to have a life too.

Have you ever thought about,
you know, starting to date?

- I--well--yeah,
I mean, I've tried.

Ooh, I love how full
of compliments you are.

Are you up for meeting
in real life?

- [incoherent garbling]

- Uh, wait a sec.
Are you catfishing me?

- [incoherent garbling]

- So did you grow up in Maine?

- Uh, sor--sorry. What?

- Hey, hey.
My eyes are up here.

Stop staring at my chest foot.

- Ah!

[cell phone ringing]

- Hey there, Principal Nichols.

Whatever Nate did,
I'm sure it was an accident.

- [incoherent speech]
- I'll be right there.

- [groans]
- Don't worry, bud.

I'm sure this is all
a misunderstanding.

- Marty, always a pleasure.

No sign of Randy's mom,
Barbara, eh?

- Well, guess she's not coming.

Oh, well.
- Sit tight.

Randy's mom probably just got
stuck in traffic or something.

- Nah, she's always late.

She doesn't believe in time.

- * Ooh, I like it like that *

- [gasps]

- Oh, I am so sorry.
I'm sorry.

Randy's armadillo
had an iffy tummy

so I had to stop
for fresh termite kibble.

[laughs]
Here I go rambling on

about the trials
of single parenthood.

Surely a handsome guy
like you is happily married

and wouldn't understand.

- I'm not happy or married.

Did you say handsome? Nate,
please tell Randy

you're sorry for your part
in this little kerfuffle.

- Wait, what?

[groans]

[sarcastically]
I am so sorry, Randy.

- Good enough.
Got to run.

Party in the teacher's lounge.

- Now on to the arcade.

- Ah, Nate,
you can head to detention now.

- Wait, wh--what?

How was this
not the punishment?

- Surely there's some leeway?

- Marty, at P.S. 38,
rules must be followed.

Which reminds me.
Spit out that gum.

- Sorry.

- Oh, all better now,
love nugget?

- Almost.
I'd be really better

if I could go to the arcade.

- [growling]

- Of course, my lil' dumpling.

You've had a hard day.

Here's some pizza money.

- [growling]

- No big deal.
I'm sure we've got...

[choking up]

Many years of father-son
time ahead, right?

- [groans]

Sure, whatever.

- Say, Martin, just 'cause
Sonny Boy's not available

doesn't mean Daddy can't
have fun.

- Uh, when you say "Daddy"
you mean me, right?

[romantic music]

* *

- [giggling]

* *

- [chomping]

- [laughing]

Why, Martin,
who is this gorgeous creature?

- Barbara,
this is my daughter, Ellen.

- My dear,
you are breathtaking.

I'm stunned.

- I'm sorry.
Who are you again?

- [laughs]
I'm Barbara.

I'm dating your father.

both: You are?
- Ellen, you and I must

have a girls' day
sometime soon.

Maybe hit the spa,
have a mani-pedi?

- For real?
I've never been to a spa

or had
a professional mani-pedi.

My dad says stuff like that
is a waste of money so--

- Money, shmoney.
Stick with me, honey.

both: [sigh]

- Hey, loser.
Have fun in detention?

[laughing]

The arcade was dope.

- [growling]
- Too bad you couldn't go.

I got mad swag.

- Oh, cool.
I had toys like that

when I was a baby.

- They aren't babyish.

I stole them!

- Ah!
- Listen up, scrub.

Dad has a date over.
- Oh!

- Mess this up and I will
bury you in the backyard

with that hamster
that you had in second grade.

- He had a name, Ellen.

It was Sir Gnaws-A-Lot.

And I don't believe
for a second that dad had a--

[laughter]

- Oh, Martin.
You're the funny one.

- You're the funny one.
- You're the funny one.

- [baby voice]
You're the funny one.

- Ugh.
- Hi there, darlin'.

I was just telling your dad
how I'd love

to take our two families
out to dinner.

I'm sure Randy would love it.

- Ah!
- Oh, yeah.

I would love that.

- [screaming]

- [grunting]

[snails squealing]

- Oh! I didn't order escargot.

both: Mmm.
[kissing noises]

both: Can I be excused?

Never mind.

- Go ahead.
You two should bond.

I have a feeling that you boys

will be spending
a lot more time together.

[both grumbling]

- It's so exciting to eat
food that's not expired.

Oh, sugary sweets.
Can we get dessert?

- Oh, honey, Barbara's already
spent

a small fortune on dinner.

- Oh, honey, get the dessert.

Worrying about money
is no way to live.

- Haha! Preacher meet choir.

You know, I still don't know

what you do
for a living, Barbara.

- Funny you should ask,
because I was just thinking

you're the kind of guy
who might be interested

in joining my business venture.

- You have your own business?

That is so cool. What is it?

- Gluten-free water.

- Gluten-free stuff
is so huge right now,

and so is water!

- Oh, I don't know
much about water

or gluten

or business.

- Oh, my God. It's so easy.

You just buy $1,000 worth
of product upfront.

- Hey, is anyone
else's back sweaty?

- [chuckles]

I like you.

[lightning crashes]

- Count me in.

- Huh?

- You coming, dork?

- I don't think we're supposed
to be in here.

- Who cares?

- Ugh.

- [chuckling]

Don't flinch!

- Dude, come on.
We're gonna get busted.

- You're with me, wuss bag.

I never get in trouble.

- Hey, did you lick this one?

- Nah.

- Hmm.

- Just kidding.
I licked it!

- [screams]

- [humming]

- [chuckles]

Oopsie daisy.
Silly me, I forgot my wallet.

What?
[laughs]

Mom brain, am I right?

- Haha, totally.
Uh, it's okay.

My dad will pay.
Like you said, he'll be rolling

in the gluten-free dough
in no time, right?

- Y--yeah--yes.

Yes. That--that's true.

[groans]

[wincing]

- Hmph. These children were
in our closet consuming copious

culinary confections
and creating chaos.

- Aw, put the damages
on our tab.

- Wait, what?
- A small price to pay

for the boys
getting along, right?

- [laughs nervously]
Yes. Yes, I--

I suppose the boys bonding
is the most important thing.

- [growling]

Hmph.

- [laughs]
- Whoa, hold the phone.

So as long as I'm bonding
with Randy,

I can do whatever I want?

Uh, game changer.

- What are you doing to my car?

- Oh, we're combining
our hobbies.

Mine's art,
Randy's is vandalism.

I thought you wanted us
to bond.

- Oh, that's right.

Yeah, well just keep doing
what you're doing.

both: Cheese ball pit!

- You're destroying the carpet.

both: Bonding.

- Oh, well sorry to interrupt.

Carry on.

- You'll have to get rid of
most of your clothes, Martin.

They remind me
of my loser ex-husbands.

Too Patrick.
Too Larry.

Ugh!
Too Ichabod.

- You had a husband
named Ichabod?

- Oh, this needs to change.

Ah, much better.

[both laughing]

- Nate.
Nate, keep calm.

Randy is behind you
and he's got a weapon.

- No, no, no. He's cool.
Um, I invited him.

- Were you guys
playing baseball?

- Nah, we just like
whacking stuff.

Show 'em, Nate dawg.

- [grunting]

[both scream]

[glass shattering]

- Oops.
Ah, sorry.

I didn't see that there.

- It's cool, at least it was
in the giveaway pile.

We're donating stuff my uncle
doesn't want anymore...

- Ooh!
- To orphans.

- Dibs on the eyes.

[growls and laughs]

[all scream]

What?
I collect eyes.

- Of course, you do.

- May we have a word, please?

- Hey, I know your parents
are dating,

but you shouldn't hang out
with Randy on purpose.

I'm starting to think
he might be a serial butthead.

- You don't get it.
He never gets in trouble.

He's, like,
totally untouchable.

And as long as I'm with him,
so am I.

- Who cares?
As long as you're with him,

people will think
you're a butthead too.

- Nah, they'll think
I'm awesome 2.0.

both: Wah!
- We'll just go

chill somewhere else.

Hey, Randy,
let's get out of here and--

all: Ah!

- Check this out.

- [screams]

- Yeah, you got to leave, man.

Don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here.

- Whatever.
Come on, Nate.

Let's just go to my place.

I'll let you pet
my roadkill collection.

- Yeah, no.
I think I'm gonna stay here.

- [grunts]
Whatever. You guys are bogus.

I only came here to be polite.

Randy out.

Whoo-hoo!

- Sorry.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Randy's a few slices short
of a loaf.

I don't think he has any
friends that aren't in jail.

- Hey, what are you gonna do if
he and his mom

move in with you or something?

- Pfft.
[laughs]

Come on.
That's not gonna happen.

- [incoherent garbling]

- Hey, champ. Make sure
you're home tomorrow night.

I'm planning
a very special dinner.

[chuckling]

- Oh, let me guess.
Randy's coming.

- Yep, and you better
get used to it.

I found a ring
on Dad's dresser.

He's gonna propose!
[squeals]

We're gonna have
a new mom and brother.

- No!

- Look who's come crawling back

for another spoonful
of Rand sauce.

My dad--proposing--
probably tonight.

We have to stop this or we'll
be stuck together forever!

- Ah! I can't be stuck with
you!

You smell like butt.

- Randy, there's no time.

We need a plan
to drive our parents apart.

- Like botched plastic surgery?

- What's wrong with you?

- If you really wanna know,
I have it written down.

- Wh--no.

Look, we just have
to make them see

that they're wrong
for each other.

Uh, quick.
What food does your mom hate?

- Bone marrow,
organ meat, yams.

- Perfect. I'll tell my dad

to make his signature
yam burgers tonight.

- Okay. Ah!
And I'll--I'll fart

at the table
and pretend it was my mom.

- Yeah.
Yeah, you--you do you, man.

- A little bird told me
you're crazy about yams.

- Oh, I actually loathe yams.

[both giggling]

Because I've never
had them prepared

so magnificently.

This is the best dish
I've ever had,

my lil' cheffy-weffy.

- [farts]

Ew, Mom.

- How rude.

- Ew, Nate, gross.

- It wasn't me.

- [farts]
[chuckles]

- Nate, excuse yourself
and use the restroom.

- Ah, it wasn't--
ugh!

Excuse me.

Hey, what other kind of stuff
makes your mom totally cringe?

- Weak and fearful men.

- Oh, easy. I know just how
to bring my dad to his knees.

Come on, follow me.

- So Chloe was hanging out
with this guy, Preston,

but then she met
this other guy, Xander...

- Ah!
- And he was so like--

- Ooh!

- Ah, gnarly.

This one has teeth.

- Dude, get your hand
out of my mouth.

- Ah, the sweet sounds
of raccoon mating season.

- So it turns out that Preston
and Xander are twins

and Chloe had no idea
and everyone was, like,

so mad,
but now she's seeing this guy--

[screams]

- Ahh!
Ahh!

[screaming continues]

- [screaming]

- Something about k*lling
little creatures

makes me feel so bold,

so powerful, so--

[growls]

[laughs]

- Barbara, that was incredible.

- I am going to go shower.

Nobody flush.

- You're my hero.

[romantic music]

both: Mmm.
[kissing noises]

- [yelling]

Their love is like
a zombified corpse.

Every time we try to k*ll it,
it just comes back stronger.

What'll we do?

- Is that your circuit breaker?

[whack]
[electricity crackles]

- Uh, dude,
what's that supposed to do?

- Ah, the dark is scary.

Duh.

- Yeah, well they don't
look very scared.

- I swear
I paid the electric bill.

- Candlelight is so romantic.

What a perfect evening, Martin.

- I must say I'm never happier
than when I'm with you.

both: Mmm.

- Uh, hey, Dad,

can Randy and I go for a walk?

You know, to bond?

- Sure, champ,
but a quick one, okay?

It's a very important night.

[chuckles]

[growling]

- [giggling]

- I'm thinking
we bulldoze your house.

My cousin knows a guy.

- You really are horrible,
aren't you?

Like, like, it's not an act.

You really are, like,
a legit awful human being.

- Why are you being nice to me?

- [groans] Oh!

My life blows.

But my dad's
never been happier.

If we break up my dad
and your mom,

he'll be just destroyed

and I'll go to prison
for something you did--

bulldozing my house.

- Dude, I was kidding.

Bulldozing houses
is for toddlers.

I wanna do something nuc-ular.

- [groans]

[sobbing]
Why is this happening to me?

- Hm.

[grunting]

- You're shaky.

Are you okay?

- This is a very special night,

and I just want
to keep my mojo going.

I-I need you kids by my side,

but Nate and Randy sure are
taking forever on their walk.

- Okay, well maybe try
to put a little mood music on.

You know, try to relax.

- Great idea.

[cell phone dings]

- Hm? Dad, where's the pic
of Nate and me on your phone?

- Oh, uh,
Barbara likes that pic better.

[folk music playing]

- [humming]

* *

- [laughing]

This music is a joke, right?

- Huh?
But this is my favorite album,

"Organic Eggplant"
by Todd & the Peapods.

Don't you like folk?
- Are you kidding?

I'd rather stick forks
in my eyes.

It's nothing
but smooth jazz for me.

Everything else is garbage.

- Smooth jazz. Smooth jazz?

No one listens to smooth jazz
on purpose.

It's something you're
forced to listen to

when you're at the dentist
or on hold with the IRS.

- Well, only losers and hippies
listen to folk music.

Are you a loser, Martin?

'Cause you don't have enough
hair to be a hippie.

- Don't talk that way
to my dad.

So what if he's old and--
and he's bald--

- Ing. Balding.
And no one said I was old.

- But he is not a loser.

He is a great guy.

- Oh, honey, come on.
We girls got to stick together.

Ah! Look at this poor
shell of a man.

You deserve better.
- Well, I don't want better!

- Not sure that came out
as intended,

sweetheart, but thank you.

- [growling]

Fine. Fine.

I can see I made a mistake.

- Actually, Barbara,
the mistake was clearly mine.

You should go.

- My pleasure.
Oh, and P.S.,

your yam burgers taste
like goat poop.

Also, bald men give me the--

[gags]
Dry heaves!

Ugh!
Barbara out!

Yeah!

- Ugh, I can't believe
we're gonna be brothers.

- It's worse for you,
so I don't care.

- Ugh!

Wait, how's it worse for me?

- You got to live
with someone you hate.

- Um, hello?
You hate me too, remember?

You're always messing with me.

- I only mess with people

who don't like me,
so it's your fault.

- Yeah, well, maybe if you stop
messing with people,

they'll like you.

- Hmm. Nah.

- [groans]

- Ugh, come on, love bug,
we're leaving.

- Ooh! Oh, yeah!
Trouble in paradise.

Smell you later, pant load.

[laughing]

[car horns honking]
[indistinct yelling]

- * I thought I loved a woman *

* I thought that she loved me *

* But I guess our love
wasn't meant to be *

* So Barbara you do you *

* But I gotta do me *

* Ooh, I just realized
all water *

* Is gluten-free *

* Ooh *

- Dad, what happened?
Are you okay?

- Yep. I dodged a b*llet.

Hey, what do you say we do

our father-son
bonding day tomorrow?

- Oh, uh,

yeah, I already made plans
with Dee Dee and Teddy.

I've been a pretty bad friend
lately so I shouldn't bail.

- I get it.

* My boy's growing up *

* Wants to hang out
with the guys *

* So I'll stay home alone *

* Eating chicken pot pies *

- I'm free tomorrow.

Are you up for
a little father-daughter time?

- Really?
We can go anywhere you want.

It's totally up to you.

- It's gonna be copasetic

- [laughs]
I'm so excited.

[laughter]

- Why so slow, Dee Dee?
You got a flat?

- You should talk, bruh.
Just lapped you again.

Booyah!
- Look what I got.

- Uh. Let me guess.
You stole 'em.

- Nuh-uh, I earned these guys.

- Oh.
Okay, well, congrats.

- Here, Teddy,
for your uncle's charity thing.

Peace out, losers.

- Seriously, man?
Huh. Thanks.

- Uh, Randy, hey.

That was, um--
that was pretty awesome of you.

Hey, you know what?
You wanna race with us?

Maybe you can take down Teddy.
You know, he's a beast.

- Nah, I got to go.

My mom wants me
to meet her new boyfriend.

Oh, and for the record,

I wouldn't have minded
being your brother.

- Really?

- No!

[laughing]
Sucker!

See ya around, turdler.

[kids screaming]

- See ya around, Randy.

- * I thought
I loved a woman *

* I thought
that she loved me *

* But I guess our love
wasn't meant to be *

* So Barbara you do you *

* But I gotta do me *

* I just realized all water *

* Is gluten-free *