02x03 - Mouth Brow Madness

[bunniefuu]

- Ha, ha! Come on, Nate.

Give it a good whack like this.

- [groans]

both: Ooh.

both: Mm.

- Did you guys see that?

Spencer Rinfroe,
the coolest, most awesome kid

in seventh grade
just returned our tetherball.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to be
friends with him.

Like Cammie Hunter or
Brintch Clintcherson.

- [groans]

- [laughs]

- Why, you ask?
Well, I heard

Spencer throws
kissing parties.

[soft music]

- Oh.
[laughter]

- Uh, what are you doing?
- [gasps]

[upbeat music]

- * Don't want to go
to school today *

* The sun is red hot
and I wanna play *

* But if I get caught
they'll make me pay *

* Detention again *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Math and social studies
just ain't my thing *

- * Big Nate, Big Nate *

- * Rocking with my band
is where I'm king *

* Stealing the teacher's teeth
or bailing on a test *

- * Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh *

* Big Nate *

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- [yawns]
Morning, Pops.

- Morning, kiddo.

Have a great day
at school today.

- Sure will.

- Nate, I told you
I can't tip you

just for getting out of bed.

- Aren't you forgetting
something?

- Oh, no, is it
Ellen's birthday?

- No, Dad, I meant my lunch.

- Lunch, right.
Sorry, Nate.

I got distracted
by my horoscope.

[clears throat]
Beware.

Huh? That's all it says.

Here's a dollar. Does that
cover a chicken sandwich?

- Yeah, that doesn't even
cover the bread,

but you know what?
Forget it. It's fine.

I'll just mooch some food off
my well-nourished friends.

- [sighs]
[tires squeal]

- I'm telling you guys there's
got to be something we can do

to make the seventh graders
think we can hang.

I mean, what is it that
they have that we don't?

- Longer legs.
- Deeper voices.

- Self-confidence.

- They've already had
chicken pox.

- You haven't had chicken pox
yet, Chad?

- Well, on the contrary, Nate,

I've been feeding mine
for years.

[bawking]
- Sick!

[groans]
- Is that the big dipper?

[upbeat music]

[gasps]
Spencer.

Wait a minute,
he has a moustache.

- They have moustaches.

- Oh, and that means?

- It means all we have to do
is grow moustaches.

Ha! I can't believe I didn't
think of that before.

How hard can that be?
- Pretty hard for me.

- Come on, just roll with me
here, friend Dee Dee.

We grow moustaches,
Spencer wants to be our friend,

and then we get invited
to kissing parties.

- I'm out. If a moustache
shows up over these lips,

I will tweeze it
out of existence.

Catch you later, beardiots.

- I have to clean my locker.

[laughs]

- And I would, Nate, but I...

- Oh, whatever.
Forget you guys.

Teddy?
- I am so in.

Where do we get
moustaches, bro?

- [laughs]
Leave that part to me.

- No kid of mine
will go to school

without a sandwich again.

Okay, Mr. Bread, where are you?

[screams]

[groans]

- Daddy?
- [screams]

- Huh? Well, who says
I can't make my own?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

- You ready, bro?
- No idea.

[upbeat music]

* *

- [screams]

- [singing in Spanish]

both: * Our bigotes *

* Look at our bigotes *

* I learned a new word *

* Our bigotes *

* Our bigotes *

* Look at our bigotes *

* We're now in seventh grade *

* With our bigotes, aye *
- [sighs]

[laughter]

- [clears throat]

- Hmm?
- Sup?

- S to the up.

- Hmm.
both: Hmm.

both: [gulps]

- Hmm.

Huh, sixth graders
with moustaches.

Never thought I'd live
to see the day.

both: Yeah!

- Thanks for coming over,
Pedro.

- It's good you called me.

- I'm trying to make
a couple slices of bread,

but it's not working.

- Oh, that's because you're
only halfway there, Martin.

What you have concocted here
is sourdough starter.

This is more than
a couple of slices.

It could be three or four.
Maybe even 100.

- Really? I don't think
I need that many.

- Well, you're thinking
about this all wrong.

You might not need that many,
but the world does.

- The world needs this?

- Yes, Martin, yes.
Carbs are in.

We start by selling
door-to-door.

See? Rope them in then they'll
come crawling back for more.

It'll be our very own
sourdough starter start-up.

- A starter start-up?
You really think this can work?

- Trust me.
Before long, you'll have

enough dough to
launch your very own bakery.

And Nate will never show up to
school without a lunch again.

- Hmm.

- Now, I know what
you're thinking, Spencer.

I'm slightly below average in
the height department.

- You're way below average.

- And Teddy here isn't exactly
a fashion trend setter.

- I wear the same thing
every day.

- Yeah, yeah, the point is we
might look like sixth graders,

but we've got what it takes
to roll with you guys.

- I doubt it.
Sixth grade is like

a bike with
training wheels.

Once you get into seventh
it's like motocross.

- We text, we hang out,
we even throw kissing parties,

which I doubt either of you
can handle.

Boom.

Nailed it.

- We can handle
kissing parties.

- Yeah, let's just say
these lip brooms

have swept a lot of
lucky ladies off their feet.

- Well, no sixth grader
has ever been

to one of our parties,
so if you want to prove you can

hang with the big dogs, you
have to play your cards right.

- Oh, not a problem. My Go Fish
skills are off the hook.

[laughter]

- Come meet us after school.

We'll see how cool
you really are.

- Hmm.

both: Yeah!

[school bell rings]

- There you guys are.

You want to play
Time Disruptors after school?

- Sup, fools?

You two want to ride with us?
- We got two more spots here

if you want to go down the road
for a tasty cone with us.

- Mom, are you kidding me
right now?

- Heck yeah.
- You know it.

[car door shuts]

- Where are they going?

- With their new friends,
I guess.

- * Oh, don't you dare
look back *

* Just keep your eyes on me *

* I think you're
holding back *

- You guys enjoying that
ice cream, hmm?

Does it taste fresh?

- Uh, yeah. I mean, everyone

knows Scoopsies
milks their own cows.

- Come on, guys, it doesn't
take a rocket scientist

to realize that Scoopsies' cows

are being held here
against their will.

- [laughs]

- They are?

- What do you two think
seventh grade is all about?

- Briefs to boxers.
- Male pattern balding.

- Yeah, sure, that stuff,
I guess.

But it's really about
fighting crime.

- Crime?
As in like crime-crime?

- Would you quiet down, dude?

Who else would protect
this city if not us?

- Awesome.
So we get to fight crime

and go to kissing parties.

- Only if you can hang.

- But you'll have a chance
to prove yourself tonight

'cause after Scoopsies
closes up shop

we're gonna expose this place
for what it really is.

You in, sixth graders?

- Um...
- Uh-huh.

Let's liberate some bovine.

- Local cows freed
from Scoopsies.

Scoopsies destroyed
in freak cattle stampede.

Children will never
experience happiness again.

[mooing]

- I can't believe Scoopsies
is gone.

I feel lost, broken.

Why would someone do this?

- So many memories
gone in a blink of an eye.

- My gram used to bring me
there after her bingo nights.

It's where I learned to swim.

- Uh, Chad, there was
no pool at Scoopsies.

- I know, but the sinks
were really big.

all: [sighs]

- There's something
we have to tell you guys.

- Be right back, guys.
I think Teddy has to hurl.

- We did that, man.
We freed the cows.

- Teddy, calm down.
I mean, you heard Spencer.

The place was bent, probably.
We did our friends a favor.

You want them to end up
in cement shoes?

- I don't know what that means.
- It's okay.

Everything's cool as long as
we don't say anything.

But one slip up and
we go back to being weird,

little sixth graders
like Hamster Hank.

[laughter and screams]

- Hamster Hank brings the pain.
Whoo-hoo!

- Sixth graders who don't get
invited to kissing parties.

Now, buckle up, buckaroo.

Make sure that moustache
stays glued on.

We got this.
[doorbell rings]

- Hello, there. Fine afternoon
to buy some bread, isn't it?

[laughs]
[doorbell rings]

- Hello! How would you
like to taste...

Ow!
- Hey, kiddo.

My name's Martin and I'd like
to tell you about my...

- Ever thought you...
- Might need a change in...

- The kind of bread you...
- Don't want to miss this one.

[door closes]

- Ah, cheer up, amigo.

It's just a little first day
jitters, is all.

- I don't know, Pedro.

I don't think I'm really much
of a sales person.

- Perhaps or perhaps
we've been trying to catch fish

when we could be
bagging a whale.

- I'm sorry, gents.

I can't afford a year's supply
of sourdough bread.

- But Principal Nichols, we're
not selling sourdough bread.

- We're selling
sourdough starter.

- Teach a man to fish and
he eats for a lifetime.

- I'm confused.

Weren't we talking about bread?

- Exactly. Bread you won't
have to pay for

once we teach you
how to make it yourself.

They say bread farming is
the wave of the future.

- They do?

[laughs]

I want to be a bread farmer.

- Check it out, crew.
Active heist going down.

Nate-dog, T-dog, take the lead.
We'll hold back.

Don't want to blow our cover.
- Yeah, yeah.

You got it, Spence-dog.
- Nate, this is crazy.

How do you know that lady
isn't' buying a TV

like a normal person?
- Because Spencer said so.

He's a seventh grader
and he called us dogs.

[screams]
Not on my watch.

Whoo-hoo!

- Hi, um, is that your money?

- Well, yes.
- Not on my watch.

- [groans]
all: Mm-hmm.

- Hmm?
[growls]

- Okay, just below us is
an off-the-books nuclear silo

hidden underneath
Rackleff's pet store.

We need you two to grab us
surveillance photos.

- Roger. 10-4. Over.

[gasps]

- Are you seeing
how insane this is?

- What are you
talking about, man?

- Has it crossed your mind
that Spencer was wrong

about Scoopsies?
He's probably wrong about

a m*ssile silo
underneath the pet store.

That guys' cuckoo bananas.
Are we really going to jump out

of a chopper for a chance
to go to a kissing party?

- Does this answer
your question?

- [sighs]
- This warehouse is...perfect.

- Well, it's certainly big.
- Listen, my friend.

If we're going to start
a sourdough starter start-up,

we need plenty of space.

- Hmm.

Got a hot tip about these two
setting up a fake business

called "Doughboyz."
Obviously a front for the mob.

- Oh, yeah? Who called
in the tip?

- My mom. She's my feet
on the ground.

- Makes total sense.

- This is our main guy.
Name: Dad Bod.

And he doesn't work alone.

- Not only does
he not work alone,

He has a partner.
Boom! Nailed it.

- [groans]
That there is Man In Hat.

- And they're our next targets.

- Yeah, uh,
what makes you think

these guys are
a front for the mob?

- Does it matter?
- Uh, yeah.

- Spencer, can I talk to you
for a sec.

- What are you doing, man?

You're gonna blow this for us
and hey, hey, hey.

Glue your moustache on.
It's sagging.

- Are you sure these two are
cut out for this?

- Yeah, they're cool, Cam.
They got moustaches.

- [sighs]
Okay.

- All right, g*ng.

Look, I got an idea
for the sting.

- Oh, yeah,
I love a good sting.

[laughs]
What's a sting?

- Seriously?
- Check it out.

The plan goes down at
my kissing party this Friday.

We're gonna catch these two
when they least expect it.

- [gasps]
It's happening.

Kissing party.
We made it to the big time.

- As long as the rest of my
crew thinks you're up for it.

- We will not let you down.

- Good because this won't be
just any party.

We'll be ordering
a very special dinner.

Dough, guys.

We're gonna be ordering dough
from Doughboyz.

all: Oh.

- Feast your eyes on
the first two sixth graders

to ever be invited to a seventh
grade kissing party, baby.

- Wow. Whoop-dee-dang-doo.

- Kissing party?
Who have you guys ever kissed?

- Well, I don't like
to kiss and tell,

but we'll just say
I once had a pretty hot moment

with my cousin's
Miami Sami doll.

[soft music]

* *

- Look, we may not all be that
experienced, "Francis."

- Why did you say my name
in air quotes?

- But compared to
what the seventh graders have

put us through so far,
it should be a piece of cake.

- I remember my first
kissing party.

I barely got out alive.

Have fun, you two.

[screams]

- [sighs]

- Just watch. This is gonna be
the night of our lives.

You cool, bro?
- I'm fine.

- You good though?
- I said I'm fine.

- Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.
I'm good. You good?

- Dude, we had ample
chances to bail.

You made your bed here and
now, you got to kiss it.

- No, no, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm so good.

You good?
- [groans]

[laughter]

- [laughs]

- * Know somehow *

* I guess every rose *

both: [laughter]

- Oh, Dios mío.
- Oh, goodness.

[gasps]

- * Just like every night
has it's dawn *

- [chuckles]
That's me, I think.

- Oh, that's
definitely you, bro.

[laughs]

- Look in her eyes, bro.

You landed on a good one.
She's a pro.

- [gulps]

Totally.
[laughs]

Uh, smooch.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Here I go.

[tense music]

* *

all: [gasps]

- Dude, why'd your moustache
just fall off?

- Oh, I knew it, "Nate-dog."

- Why'd you just say my name
in air quotes?

- He's a phony. A fake.

- Fake is a little harsh.

I'd describe myself as
aspirationally pubescent.

- Sixth graders can't even
grow moustaches.

- [groans]

- This is unbelievable.

What kind of sixth grade loser
would fake having a 'stache?

- A big loser that's who,
Spence.

Boom! Nailed it.

Yes!
[laughs]

- Yeah, beat it, you two.
- [groans]

- And use the back door, okay?

Because I don't want
my neighbors knowing

I had little, baby
sixth graders over here.

Yeah, I got a rep to maintain.

[doorbell rings]
- The Doughboyz.

We got to move.
- This is our biggest drop yet.

I've got excited mouth sweat.

- Huh, hello, gov'nor.
Now!

- [groans]
What in tarnation?

What is the meaning of this?

- You tell me, pal.

- Help! Somebody.

- Dad?

- I'm confused.
Does this mean your dad

and my Uncle Pedro are
in the Rackleff mob?

- No, Teddy, you were right.

Spencer is nuts.

Scoopsies,
the lady with the TV,

the m*ssile silo,
it was all made up.

And now, those psychos have
my dad and Pedro.

We got to save them
before it's too late.

- [screams]

- How dare you bring your crime

into our peaceful
municipal--ality.

Not on my watch.

- Let's end
these two boneheads.

- Boneheads?
No, we're just salesmen.

- Speaking of which,

can we interest you
in some sourdough starter?

[chainsaw revs]

- Hey, why don't you guys
pick on someone your own age.

- Well, look who it is.

- What are you gonna do to us,
sixth graders?

Hit us with your blankies
and pacifiers.

- Well, no because you know,

neither of those things
would really hurt.

- She meant if they had spikes.
Boom! Nailed it.

- Pacifiers with spikes?

- These guys are
deeply disturbed.

- [growls]

both: [growls]

And it was kind of boring.

- Yeah!
- Get them.

* *

- Huh.

- [laughs]

Teddy, you know what to do.

both: [screams]

- Brintch, attack.
- Hi-yeah.

Boom?
[groans]

Nailed it.

- Not bad for a couple
of sixth graders.

- Did you just crack your eyes?

- You are one twisted
individual.

- [screams]

My 'stache.

- Is that all you got, punks?
[groans]

Huh?
[growls]

Teddy, come out and play.
Huh?

[groans]

[screams]

You waxed my 'stache.
[growls]

[gasps]
Oh, nuts.

- You might want to get
a fresh diaper, pal.

- [farts]
- Daddy?

- [screams]

- Easy, easy.
both: [groans]

- Perfect.
- Nate,

I just wanted to make you
a sandwich.

[cries]
- It's okay, Dad.

It's all over.
Also, I'm gonna be honest.

I just throw
your sandwiches out

when I get to school anyways.

- Spencer Amadeus Mozart
Rinfroe.

What in the name of
your father's stuffed walleye

do you think you're doing?

I have had it with you,
young man.

What did I tell you about

taking the law
into your own hands?

You're grounded and

I'm taking away your stuffies
for a whole week.

- No! Not my stuffies.

Mommy, you can't do that.

[cries]
- [growls]

- [groans]

- Oh, hey, guys.
Recess hang later?

- Don't you want to hang
with Spencer

and the cool seventh graders?

- Ah, no. That's over.
- Yeah, bro,

the seventh graders are
total sociopaths.

I'm not ready for that at all.

- Hmm, you don't say?

- Yeah, look, we were total
jerks for bailing on you guys

to hang out with a bunch of
raging lunatics.

- We're really sorry, guys,

although it was like
99.9% Nate's fault.

- It's okay.
Thanks for the apology.

- So what do you say?

You guys want to play
Time Disruptors after school?

- I'm in.
all: [groans]

- What? You don't like
my man 'stache?

[chitters]
[screams]

[rock music]