11x21 & 11x22 & 11x23 - The Mission/Beavis H.

[bunniefuu]

♪ MTV ♪

Uh, we're here to pay
our parking tickets.

Yeah, let's make it quick.
Yeah.

Guys, this is a church.

The courthouse is two
blocks down the street.

Huh?

Huh.

Well, Your Honor,
if it's not a courthouse,

what are you doing here?

No, I'm not a judge.

I am a priest.

Oh, I get it now.

Yeah, a priest.
I see.

Easy mistake to make.

So, Your Honor,
how much is it gonna take

to make these tickets go away?

Yeah, maybe get
a little something nice

for yourself, you know?

Some more of those
beads, maybe?

Damn it.

We come here every day, and
that guy never takes our money.

Well, that's the government
for you, Beavis.

Nobody wants to work.

Hi, I'm Richard.

I've noticed you two
spend a lot of time here.

It's a wonderful
community, isn't it?

Yeah, we're here because
we parked in a zone.

Yeah.

Well, the congregation
has organized

a mission trip to Mexico, and
we'd love to have you join us.

Uh, you guys are
going on a mission?

Sure are.

We're going down there for the
day to fight structural poverty

and combat homelessness.

Well, combat is cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanna fight structures.

Yeah.

Uh, can you excuse us, sir?

That guy wants us to go

on a combat mission for,
like, the army or something.

Yeah, remember we
wanted to join the army

after high school,
but they said we were

like, mentality or something?

I wanna blow stuff up
with a tank.

And I would like
a flamethrower, please.

Yeah.

You boys have
a high school diploma?

Is that that thing
they give you when

you drop out of high school?

I lost mine.

Yeah, he told us
the army was full.

See, maybe this
is our chance.

I always wanted to serve
my country with a flamethrower.

Yeah.

We'll do it, Sarge.

We're ready to go
to w*r, sir.

Ha!

Always great
to have some volunteers

with a sense of humor.

See you on the bus.

We're silent but deadly.

Most guys in their 30s,


seem to have
a huge misconception

about dating younger women.

And if you fall into that--
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm listening. Yeah.

In your dating life and
keeping you single

and not dating hot,
young women.

So in today's--

Okay, I'm all ears.

Don't know is that they can
actually turn their age

into an advantage with women if
they do just one simple thing.

Uh, wow.

You know, like, I always
thought the reason

I don't score is
'cause there's just

one simple thing I don't do.

And now she's
gonna tell us what it is.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

You know, it's like,
man, chicks look at me,

and they're like,
you know, he's just

only doing one thing wrong.

Otherwise, I'd score with him.

You see, most younger girls
can fall in love

with an older man very easily.

In fact, not only can I say
that from my own experience,

but there have--

She's like, I have two


older men as
more confident,

assertive, and masculine
than guys their age.

And that's incredibly
sexy to a woman.

So if you as an older guy--

This chick is great.

Yeah.

She's like, not afraid
to say the things

that I wanna believe
is the truth.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Yeah, yeah.

As an older guy, you don't
want them to be impressed.

You want them attracted.
So this is a huge mistake.

It makes you come off
as a needy try-hard

and shows that you really
don't trust

in your own value as a man.

So she's saying the problem
is we're trying too hard?

I don't know how much not
harder I could try, you know?

I mean,
that might be impossible.

Uh, yeah, really.

We're sexy
'cause we don't care.

Number one, you make
strong eye contact.

And this seems--

Uh, yeah.

I make strong eye contact.

With their butt.

This is such a neat, little
trick, I guess, that guys do.

All you have to do is
call a girl by a nickname

that you gave her.

Chatterbox if she talks a lot--

Nickname?

Okay, I guess I could do that.

I mean, what's a cute,
fun nickname?

Hello there, asswipe.

Nice to meet you.

Can I buy you a drink--

My little asswipe?

Also, you talk too much.

I've noticed you've always
got your nose in a book.

So I'm gonna
call you butthole.

Number four,
small disagreements.

So you see, another mistake--

Oh.

Wait a minute, Butt-Head.

Everything she's saying
is stuff you do to me.

You, like, disagree with me,
and--and you call me names.

And--
- Damn it, Beavis.

No, I don't.
- See?

See, you're doing it
right there.

You're disagreeing with me.

Damn it, Beavis! Shut up.

Butt-Head, are you
trying to score with me?

Damn it, Beavis,
if you say one more thing

like that, I'm gonna
beat the crap out of you.

Whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, take it easy.

Kind of coming across as a
little bit

of a desperate trier
or whatever.

- Damn it, butthole!
- Yeah, see?

See, there--there's
with the nicknames.

Look, Butt-Head, I mean,
not that there's anything

wrong with it, but,
um, I just, uh,

my tastes don't run that way.

Agh!

- Damn it, Beavis.
- See, physical touch!

I know you're desperate.

Damn it, Beavis,
I'm not trying to--

It's not your fault.

There's just one simple thing
you're doing wrong.

You--you have a schlong, see?
Ow.

Thank you for watching
this video.

all: ♪ Michael,
row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

♪ Michael,
row the boat ashore ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪

I can't believe it,
Butt-Head.

We finally joined the army,

and now we're going
into combat, yeah.

They say k*lling
changes a man.

It sure changed
these poor b*stards.

Look at 'em.

Hardened K*llers.

Yep, look at their eyes.

Their souls are gone.

Just a bus full of
tough sons of b*tches

with one-way tickets to hell.

Wow.

So this is the jungle.

Yeah.

Uh, these weapons suck.

How are you supposed to
k*ll someone with a hammer?

I don't know,

probably if you threw it
at somebody really hard.

Agh!

Ugh.
- See?

You're still alive.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Damn it.

Uh, sir, we wanna like,
see some action already.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, lock and load.

You got it.

Why don't you take
these two nail g*ns

and go help out Victor?

Yeah.
Yeah, now we're talking.

Yeah.

Let's get it on, Beavis.

Time to go wax that dude.

Let's go rack up
our body count.

Yeah.

Counting sucks.

♪ Oh, saved and I'm glad ♪

♪ I'm glad ♪

♪ Oh, saved and I'm-- ♪

Oh, my.
That's not good detail work.

Bless their hearts.

I better get a hammer.

Stay frosty.

Well, looks like
the enemy bugged out.

Yeah, that sucks.

We were gonna kick his a*s.

Uh, let's kick
his fort's a*s.

Sir, yes, sir.

Get some.

You will never
take our freedom!

Yah!

Unleash hell!

Special delivery
from Uncle Sam.

Yeah.

By the power of Grayskull!

Well, Beavis,
another win for America.

We just, like,
made some freedom.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

What the hell did you guys do?

We kept this country safe.

That's what the hell we did.

Yeah, while you were back
there pushing papers around,

we were risking
our lives out here.

Freedom isn't free.
See what I'm saying?

Sometimes you gotta--ah!

Ugh!

Go, out!

- Hey, hey.
- Run.

God damn it!

You can't handle the truth.

You said "handle."

Get back here, you b*stards!

That's the problem,
Butt-Head.

The politicians in Washington
won't let us

do what it takes to win, see?

Yep.

We're just gonna have to
find the enemy on our own.

Yeah, this is cool.

We're, like, going commando.

Yeah.

And Beavis,
if I don't make it back alive,

tell your mom thanks
for supporting my troops.

I banged your mom.

Yeah, wait a second.

Shut up, Butt-Head.

Commando.

I banged her for America.

Hello, I'm Tom Anderson,
veteran of two foreign wars.

But today, Marcie and I
are on vacation

here at this beautiful
beach resort in Mexico

right there on the edge
of the Sonora Desert.

It is our first vacation
in 15 years,

what with being on a fixed
income from a military pension.

And it is a relaxing one,
I tell you what.

- Beavis, let's k*ll that guy.
- Yeah.

But no part of it
was quite as relaxing

as what happened this morning
at the breakfast buffet.

I approached what appeared
at a distance

to be ordinary waffles.

What the hell?

Like, eat nails or something.

Yeah, courtesy of the USA,
you son of a b*tch.

Take that, you b*stard!

- Hey!
- Hey, cut it out.

Hey, stop.

There now.

What was I talking about,
Marcie?

Right.

Now, these waffles
had a little surprise in them

called chocolate chips.

And one other
secret ingredient,

but that's a tale for the next

"Tom Anderson's
Vacation Stories."

Por favor, un otro?

Let's get out of here.
This place sucks.

Everyone, if I could
have your attention.

What?

A new student is going to be
joining us today

on our journey of learning.

Would you like to introduce
yourself to the class?

Hi, everybody.
My name's Beavis.

Wait, what?

Mm-kay, well, we already have
a student named Beavis.

Yeah, yeah.
It's, like, me or something.

Right?

So why don't you go by
your initial, Beavis H?

Beavis H, go ahead
and find a seat.

Okay.

My family just moved here
from Michigan.

Oh, boy.

So I guess we're both
named Beavis, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

What's your initial?

I don't know.

I think it's--
I think it's a letter.

The biggest battle
America fought in World w*r II

was called
the Battle of the Bulge.

Hey, Beavis.
- Yeah?

What?

You said my name.

Um, he's talking to me.

Oh, okay.

If you mean me,
just say Beavis H.

Uh, okay.

Hey, Beavis.

Did you mean Beavis H?

No.

Oh, okay. Got it.
My bad.

Go ahead.

Uh, hey, Beavis.

He's talking to you, buddy.
Have a good conversation.

Damn it, just let Butt-Head
say what he was gonna say!

Jesus.

Butt-Head,
what were you gonna say?

Uh, he said bulge.

Who said bulge?

Uh, I don't remember anymore.

Somebody said bulge.

Bulge.

He did say bulge.

That's funny, dude.

Bulge like a bulge
in your pants.

Beavis, Beavis,
and Butt-Head,

please quiet down, mm-kay?

Sorry, Mr. V.

We better be quiet.

No more laughing
about you know what.

Yeah.

Beavis sucks.

Centuries ago, master
archers were able to perform

incredible feats of archery.

These skills have long
since been forgotten,

but the Danish archer
Lars Andersen

is trying to reinvent
what has been lost.

This guy is, like, the best
guy in the world at archery,

but I could just
sh**t him with a g*n.

And I'm dumb and not
good at anything.

Oh, yeah.

That's why they invented
the g*n, you know?

For dumbasses like us.

In the 1938 movie "The
Adventures of Robin Hood,"

Robin Hood splits an arrow
down the middle.

Some consider this
the ultimate archery trick.

Uh, the ultimate
archery trick is to, like,

try to impress chicks
with archery.

And it's never been done.

Yeah.

Robin Hood never scored.

If I was in "Robin Hood,"

I would just, like,
bring a g*n.

And I would just,
like, sh**t Robin Hood.

And I'd take
all the money he stole

and give it back
to the rich people.

Yeah.

Rich people are cool.

And the poor people,
you know, um,

well, you know, they just
need something to, um--

to motivate them
to get off their butts

and make some money, see?

So in a way,
when I steal their money,

I'd be doing 'em a favor, see?

They're not
trying hard enough.

For modern target archery.

His mom is like,
uh, Lars, lunch is ready.

Mom, I'm playing
with my arrows.

I'm pretending
I'm in a battle.

His mom's like,
that's great, honey.

How old are you now, 29?

How about maybe sh**ting
some rent arrows or something?

How about sh**ting some
of your dirty laundry

into the washing machine?

That's an archery trick
I've never seen.

Come on.

How about sh**ting yourself
into a job interview somewhere?

And then his dad's like,
ugh.

What are we gonna
do about that kid?

Well, you're the one
who bought him

that kids archery set.

Now it's my fault.
Everything's my fault!

Yeah.

Lars, remember I told you
about that job opening

at your uncle's factory?

You could be the first
security guard with arrows.

You know, Beavis
is a French name.

My mom's French.
Is your mom French?

Um, Butt-Head
says she's a sl*t.

Mine is from
the Grand Est region.

It must be full of dudes
named Beavis.

We should go live there.

But no, right?

We're gonna go sit over there
now, like, by ourselves.

I'm so tired of Beavis.

Uh, you mean
the new guy or yourself?

The new guy.

But I guess--
I guess myself too.

Never really
thought about that.

Anyone named Beavis
pretty much sucks.

That's what I always say.

It's kind of like
my motto or whatever.

Yeah, but that Beavis is
always, like, hanging around

and being a butthole when
no one wants him there.

All Beavises
are like that, Beavis.

That's just what Beavises do.

They don't know any better.

I can't believe
this lunchroom has nachos.

So sweet!

But they don't taste sweet,

'cause that would be weird, yeah?

See, Butt-Head?

- You mean me?
- What?

No, I said Butt-Head!

Oh, I thought you were
making fun of me.

I can be a real
butt-head sometimes.

Hehe!

It's cool if you were.

I know that's part
of friendship.

Hey, Beavis.

You mean me?

No, I'm talking to Beavis.

How's your first day
going, Beavis?

Awesome.

Did you know there's another
kid here named Beavis?

Really? At this school?

I've been going to school
here for three years.

Do you wanna do homework
together later?

Oh, yeah. For sure.
That'd be tight.

Um, If you mean me,
you can just say

regular Beavis or something.

Bye, Beavis.

Beavis, you're the least cool
Beavis in the entire world.

Yeah. Yeah.

Probably so.

Yeah.

Butt-Head, I don't care
what the answer is.

And it doesn't matter
what you say or anything.

But--but, like, do you think
I'm, like,

the better Beavis or something?

Oh, yeah.

You're obviously better
than that other Beavis.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, that's fine.

I mean, I don't care, you know.

Wait, which Beavis are you?

I can't tell you apart.

One of you's better,
that's all I know.

Maybe it's you, maybe not.

Dude, you guys are
eating more nachos?

I just got some, too, bros.

We're like
the original nacho fiends.

Just kidding.

Damn Beavis.

He sucks.

Mind if I pop a squat?

Pop a squat?

That's what guys say
when they bang Beavis's mom.

You mean my mom?

No, he's talking
about my mom!

Guys bang my mom.

Jesus Christ!

Everything's not always
about you, butthole.

Well, I don't think
it's very funny

to make fun of people's moms.

Butt-Head, I think you
owe Beavis an apology.

Huh? What?

Okay, that's enough, Beavis.

I'm gonna kick you in the nads.

You mean me in the nads
or him in the nads?

Uh, it was gonna be you,
but now I can't decide.

Uh, hmm.

Let's see.

There we go.

Whoa.

I can't believe I thought
you dudes were cool.

I'm outta here.

Well, I got rid
of that Beavis.

- Hey, Tiff.
- Sure did.

Hi, Beavis.

One more Beavis to go.

Whoo!

Chirp.