02x01 - The Boys Are Back in Town

[bunniefuu]

Everyone said the first year

of a uni degree doesn't count.

It's something that happened,

but of no real value whatsoever.

A bit like when Liz Truss

was Prime Minister

or Jade joined the Sugababes.

It ultimately provided

absolutely nothing.

We c*m at the same time

You make it feel like

the first time

Promise, never tell a lie

But for me, first year of uni

was where I started

to discover myself.

I left my cushty home

as a full-time closeted mummy's boy

and entered the world of Brent Uni,

which ranked at number 138 out of 139

for student satisfaction.

Oh, sh*t.

I tried drugs, butt plugs.

I even drank some poppers.

I can taste metal.

But mostly I made pals with this lot.

Yemi, student fashion icon

and g*y best friend.

He's like the agony aunt

on This Morning

if she were Nigerian

and into piss play.

Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman

since the mum who called

her kids "disgusting"

for leaving a sh*t in the toilet.

But she was a total babe.

And finally, there was you.

Somehow, despite the fact you bought

yourself Linx Africa gift sets

and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's

bullshit books unbearable

you still became one of

the best mates that I'd ever had.

And whilst I f*cked up trying

to figure out who I was

you were dealing with struggles

of your own.

So after failing first year,

you came to live with me and Mum

that summer,

and for the first time

since Dad died,

I felt part of a proper family home.

And you finally opened up about

how you hadn't always felt

part of one either.

[ALARM BEEPS]

[RAISED MUFFLED VOICES]

DAD: What you done with it?

What you done with it?

[SIGHS]

[MUM, MUFFLED:] ..I'm a monster.

I just bought her a pint!

I bought her a pint.

Yeah, all right.

What you taking an attitude for?

I bought her a pint because

it's MY money, isn't it?

I've got a job coming!

Cos I told you,

Troy's gonna pay me!

[THEY CONTINUE ARGUING]

sick of hearing you say that!

You're talking rubbish!

Where's my top?

Don't want to lose you

Don't want to lose you

You're driving me mad!

You once told me about the time

your parents rowed

so bad they forgot to

take you to school.

How, on this occasion, they both

didn't come back for days,

each one believing

the other one was home with you.

[BRAKES SCREECH]

So you were just stood at your door

completely by yourself.

Your body's awful

The very shape

And that was the day

Hello?

[SIGHS]

you left and moved

in with your nan.

Hurry up, Danny.

My dad had one wish for his 60th -

that we all pilgrimage to the most

beautiful spot in Watford.

Somewhere he'd go after chemo

that would provide solace

and clarity of thought.

So we went to the

Pub! Pub!

We're going to the pub!

Shannon's planning a party that

You're all gonna love!

Well, it's not a pub as such.

It's more like a sports

and social club.

It's rough as dogs, more like.

Shut up, posh spice.

Thank you, Corinne.

Jack's become a real snob

since being the first to go uni.

The other day

he made me try choriz-EE-o.

It's actually chori-THO.

Nah, it's actually not.

I was a holiday rep in Magaluf

and they all just say chor-IZZO.

Can you all just hurry up

a bit, please?

Because I've planned a very good

finger buffet that is going stale.

A finger buffet for

a dead man's birthday.

IN POSH ACCENT: Ooh.

Will there be chorizo?

And crudites with sweet

chilli sauce?

GIGGLES

I remember a time

without sweet chilli sauce.

Yes, and it was sh*t, wasn't it?!

Britain before sweet chilli sauce

was sh*t, actually.

And now it's bearable, so come on!

Here we are. Yours first, darling.

Thank you.

For you. Lovely, thank you.

Here we are, ladies.

Thanks, Nan. Here's yours.

Oh, yeah.

Your mum did tell me

you're a g*y boy now.

[MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

Grab your old man stool.

So, as my cousin Shannon

tried to pull the pub chef

who fingered her in year 11,

my nan gambled away

her basic state pension

and I sat surrounded by

sh*t chat about Nick Clegg,

a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted

every song with an anecdote

about footie or X Factor, or how

This party can't go on all night.

Got to get back to my wife.

Keith didn't have a wife.

And as you'd just got back into uni,

you were adamant to find us all

a home that you'd always dreamed of.

So, I'm thinking one of them

big American fridges, yeah?

A garden flat enough for a hot tub,

like, a bathroom with a bidet.

Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom.

Do you just make everything

about g*y sex?

I wasn't.

Danny, are you going to be able

to find somewhere nice?

Because, you know, second year

of our degree actually counts.

Yes, and I'm going to need some

pretty private quarters,

as I have quite a few gentlemen

of the night who frequent.

You don't need to be polite

around me, darl.

I know you love c*ck. [LAUGHTER]

All right, listen,

I'm going to find us

a beautiful little family home,

all right? Don't worry about it.

And I love having lots of people

around me,

even if they are complete

strangers from Grindr.

Can I just say Yeah?

not to be r*cist,

but I have never lived

with two whole Caucasians before.

Oh, babe, you'll be grand.

My mum's so white me and dad

have our own cupboard in the kitchen

because her seasoning

capabilities are f*cking shocking.

I used to spend a lot of time

in here as a kid,

mostly cos it was always

too loud and laddy

and cos I had really bad IBS.

[PERSON CLEARS THROAT]

WHISPERING: Oh, my God.

I haven't told Jack that we've been

smoking weed all summer.

Oh. Thank you.

Don't need an earful

from my own son.

You know, I might ask out Corinne.

You should.

Yeah. She's got a great arse.

Mm, she does have a great arse.

I mean, we both do. [GIGGLES]

I just think we'd be

really good together.

Babe

sometimes you just

got to go for it.

Like, would you ever

want to date again?

Maybe.

Don't tell Jack.

Problem with blokes my age

is the good ones are taken

and the rest are, like, perverts,

alkies or can't get it up.

To be fair, I think that's the same

with blokes of all ages.

And so I got down on my knees

after finally coming out during the

gayest summer in British history,

with the first g*y weddings,

first drag winner of Eurovision

and first album from Kylie in years

and I

Oh, f*ck! My eye! Ah!

It's in your eye

got a mobile DJ's c*ck in the eye.

WOMAN: Keith, you in here?

[ZIPPING]

Just coming, love.

Your record player's jammed

and all we can hear is,

"It's Britney, b*tch" over and over.

Hey, you all right, Gabriel?

What's going on?

We need to go now.

What? What's that?

Hang on, has someone just

started on you?

No, no, no, I just need to go, OK?

You got a d*ck

in the eye, didn't you?

The DJ's been Grindr messaging me

all night,

begging me to come to the loo.

What are you doing trying to have

sex at your dead dad's 60th?

Respect. I wasn't.

There was a hole in the wall.

Hey, what's wrong with your eye?

Nothing. Let me kiss it better.

ALL: No!

The problem you have, Jack,

is you're going for the wrong guys.

What? I wasn't going for Keith.

I just, I finally come out

to everyone,

and yet my sexual life

is still a disaster.

It seems to me that

you've come out to all of the

important straight

people in your life,

but you've forgotten to inform

one very crucial group.

Who? The gays, Jack.

You're not proactively doing

anything about loving c*ck.

Being g*y isn't just loving c*ck.

It's quite a prerequisite.

Right, listen. This year,

you need to get out there IRL, OK?

Start chatting some lads up.

I mean, look.

Take a leaf out of

your cousin's book.

Snogging.

For that month before second year,

I read numerous g*y self-help books

about how not to be scared of a**l.

Meanwhile, you became

increasingly a**l when viewing

any of the available student flats.

It feels so good to be back

But our love is gone

It's our favourite song

Oh, no

I could have made a picture

Ooh. Are you and her still kinda

I don't know, maybe.

I quite like her, you know?

She's just so chill.

Danny! It has been four weeks

since you promised to find

us a house

and you've secured f*ck all!

Look, I'm just trying to find us

an amazing place with a hot tub.

[EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY] Right.

I am back from Scotland

for 24 hours only,

in which time we have to find

a house before I scoot off back home

to vote in a referendum

for our independence.

So my people are never again

lumped with yous lot.

All right, Braveheart.

Shoes on, lads.

MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES

Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go.

Hm. I love shortbread.

And

Lorraine.

Thank you. Thank you.

Please be quicker. OK

Please be quicker.

Mm! What a woman!

Christ, Jan! Slow down.

You've nearly done me out a loaf.

I know. I am just so hungry

at the moment.

Honestly, you know what they say.

If you can smell toast

You might be having a stroke?

A stroke of luck, that is,

because somebody's made toast.

Oh, for the love of God.

[CORINNE SIGHS]

Take a number.

It is first come, first serve

and you may be

stood here a little while.

Uh, please do not get

Just Eat delivered to this location!

There is no recycling

or waste facilities!

God, this is like my

X Factor audition.

You auditioned for X factor?

No, no, no, no, no. What?

Yes. Me and my college friends

were in a band called

The Slag Pipes.

Well, I auditioned for the

S Club Juniors, but they said

the other kids would have never

been able to keep up with me.

You once told me you did that.

I just stood and cried

when the backing track began.

Dad had to drive me home.

I just really wanted

to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah.

a lot of properties

don't actually have that.

If you'd like to go through.

We're never going to get this.

Oh, come on, it'll be fine.

This is the first day of

the rest of your life.

This is the first day

of the rest of your life.

Has it been like this

the whole time?

I mean, I don't know.

I've been looking at much

nicer houses than this.

Oh, God. What if it's like this

for every viewing?

It is. This is

one of the most competitive

student property markets in London,

if not the world.

Up your game, girls. Play dirty.

I'm sorry. Who is this?

Well, let's just say every year

I see friendship groups torn apart

by this process.

In the quest to make

a home in this realm.

This other Eden.

This over-expensive demi-Paradise

known as Brent.

Right. If we have to play dirty,

we're going to get f*cking filthy,

boys, this is w*r.

You actually frighten me, Corinne.

I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes".

Can I see some photos,

actually? No.

Oh, hell, no. Oh, sh*t.

sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

Right, lads, new plan.

OK? We have to start being the very

first four people outside a house.

What if we're the first four people

INSIDE the house?

Mate, you don't have to do this.

Shut up, Jack! We need this place.

Worst he'll do is just

shatter his collarbone.

What?!

It's fine. You're doing great.

Nicely done, Dan, pal.

Hi. Very nice.

sh*t. That's,

that's the estate agent's early.

Jack, go and distract him.

What, how?

Go and chat him up or something,

all right? Get some practice in.

[THUDDING]

[CLATTERING]

We good?

This place is amazing.

Come over!

Just let us in, Danny.

PEGGY: Sharon, darl

Yeah? I couldn't help but notice

there's sick in the toilet pan.

Yeah, I know.

I was so, so sick

when I first got here.

Well, you could have flushed it away.

Well, no, because I keep being sick.

So I've uploaded a picture

of the sick to a Facebook group,

right, where this woman

called Anoushka Delafonte

analyses your sick,

tells you what's

wrong with you, like,

whether it's an allergy

or something sinister.

OK. But still, you could

have flushed the sick.

Oh, my God! What if Anoushka

Delafonte needs more sick pics?

What if she needs a different angle?

What if she needs a sample?

OK, well, I've flushed it, so

Well

[SHARON SCOFFS]

let's just hope Anoushka

doesn't need it

for further inquiry, shall we?

Hello, you.

Hi.

Are you looking for the property?

I'm looking for lots

of things, really.

Mates, dates

village fetes.

If you catch my drift.

Well, there's one outside

Hemel Hempstead I go to.

And do you come here often?

Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue,

I will endeavour to fix it. So

Cool.

Er, no. No, no, no.

Now, look, I know what

you're trying to do.

And you're not

going to skip the queue.

And I'm married - to my wife.

I'm just musical theatre trained

and used to have a lisp.

YEMI: I want en suites.

Yeah, go on, fill your boots.

OK, yeah, this is sick. Right?

Yeah, this is sick.

We could make this

such a nice little family home.

I'll be out in the garden just,

like, chopping wood, topless.

Probably.

You'll be in the kitchen,

topless, I imagine. Shut up.

Think of us all having, like,

family meals around here

on our sh*t Ikea plates.

Me and you and our two

little g*y sons.

[CORINNE CHUCKLES]

Oh, sweet.

Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK.

Do you know what art is, Danny?

Uh, yes.

I know what art is.

Look at this place. Yeah.

And just think, like, you know,

some nights put the kids to bed

and we can have a

little romantic meal for two.

[CORINNE LAUGHS]

What?

I'm being serious.

Like

why not give this a proper go?

Danny

Corinne.

Um

Jesus. You know that I love you.

Um, but back in Edinburgh,

I've sort of

started seeing somebody.

Oh, God. Oh.

OK, that makes sense.

I didn't, I didn't want to say

anything whilst you were getting

back on your feet

and I know that we have history,

but I didn't It's fine. Listen.

It's good. History is history, so

[CORINNE SHRIEKS]

[ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS]

[SHARON GASPS]

Oh, Shan. What's wrong?

What's Anoushka Delafonte saying?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Peggy, if I'm pregnant,

who's going to do

my kid's party bookings?

You know, I was going to launch

my own company next year with Nan!

Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners!

But don't worry about that yet.

We've still got options.

But I wanted to travel

round South America.

I was hoping to run

the London Marathon.

You know, what if

I can't do that now?

Well, that might be a blessing.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh. What? I've applied to go

on Tipping Point.

[SHARON CRIES OUT]

Firstly

trespass!

Secondly, the decimation

of cherished antique teapots!

And thirdly, I'm taking all of you

off of our viewings list.

Good luck trying to find

somewhere to live now.

What? f*ck's sake!

I knew this plan

was doomed from the start.

Listen, we'll just take it now, OK?

All right, I'll go in there,

I'll clean up, OK?

I'll pay for all the damages.

You cannot live here anyway.

This is an LGBTQ+ only house share.

Yeah, I know, but You knew?!

Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going

to tell him I was asexual,

but he can obviously tell

I love the puss

Danny, shut up!

Corinne, you're not LGBT.

Come off it, Jack.

I'm obviously bi.

I knew I should have gone solo.

No. You and me were going

to find a two-bed at one point.

Oh, what? You both were

going to move somewhere without us?!

Jack, you live so close to uni,

I can smell your mum's Asda

potpourri from here.

YOU leave my mum's potpourri

out of this!

Guys Face it.

We have five days until term starts

and we have nowhere to f*cking live!

Just live here, then!

All right? You lot just live here.

Just f*cking live here.

[MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY]

f*ck.

PEGGY: Shan!

You've been in there 45 minutes.

Talk to me.

Shan?

TEARFULLY: Pegs Oh.

I'm going to have a baby!

[PEGGY GASPS]

Oh, darl! Oh

I wanna hold you in my

[THEY CRY LAUGH]

Aw! But d'you actually want

a baby, though?

Because you wanted to go travelling.

Yeah, and I will.

But I'll just go around

Costa del Sol with my son instead.

[PEGGY GASPS]

[SHARON LAUGHS]

Oh, yes!

Aw!

Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter.

No, it's defs a boy.

Because I've done nine tests

and every single one

has come up

with a blue cross.

Right.

Can I ask about the father?

Yeah. Can you not,

actually? Just because

I'd rather think

about that another time.

OK. Yeah.

How are you going to tell Nan?

How are YOU going to tell Nan?

Cos I obviously can't.

Not in my condition.

Oh.

Danny's still not answering.

I was being such a d*ck.

Don't worry.

He just really wanted us

to find a nice place together.

Yeah. OK, let's just get on

the emergency housing list

and see what they have.

Ah, well, if it's emergency

housing you're after,

I'm afraid there IS an emergency

in that I've run out of emergency

and very much waiting

for more emergency to emerge.

So in the meantime,

I suggest you find hostels

or boyfriends or

OK, Jules, this is the second time

you've let me down.

Hm. And that's fine,

but Danny needs somewhere stable.

So what I'm going to propose to you

is that you let us back into

The blue shed?

For all four of us.

We're lodgers,

but we're paying full rent.

Yay! Get in!

Come here!

[THEY CHUCKLE]

Oh, my God, are you serious?

CHUCKLING: Yes. Oh.

CHUCKLING: Aw! I'm so sorry.

I've been such a twat.

I've literally been sat here

looking for two-beds

for you and Yemi.

There's no need, pal.

We'll get enough shite Ikea plates

for the four of us.

OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back.

Yeah, you are.

WHISPERING: Yeah?

Let's just keep the baby thing -

all the detail - from

Jack's g*ng, please.

I really want to make

a big impact on Facebook

when I upload a scan pic,

get the likes in, you know.

LOUDLY: Sshh!

Want some bubbles, gals?

Oh, not for me, thanks.

Come on, we're celebrating.

Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby.

Oh, no.

Jack, can you just pop into the

kitchen, please, a minute?

Me and Shan have got something

we need to tell you.

OK.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Right. Well,

we heard some news tonight.

And we wouldn't want you

to find out from anyone else.

What? What is it?

Well, it's,

it's just been confirmed that

That Alison Hammond is doing

Strictly Come Dancing.

No! Deep breaths.

Deep breaths, deep breaths.

Oh, my God!

I'll need to be home

every Saturday night to watch it.

No. I told you

this was going to happen.

No, no, no, Jack,

you need to be more outgoing.

Come home on Sundays hungover

and we'll watch together.

Yeah, great idea, Mum.

If I watch it Sundays,

I won't be able to vote in time.

Will I?!

He's nasty to you.

Here you are. Aw, your key?

Thanks for letting me

stay this summer.

Yeah. I really do, like

Any time.

Night-night, Danny.

Night-night, Pegs.

Like I did

Night-night, Laurie.

DANNY: God, this is weird.

It smells exactly the same,

doesn't it?

I know, like dust and jizz.

Dusty jizz.

And so we started our

second year at Brent Uni

knowing we had to make it count.

Let's run away

She's nearly here.

Come, come, come, come,

come, quick.

The stars

Hello?!

Walk. Walk, walk.

The stars will guide us

Let's run away

BOTH: Hey!

Freedom!

[CORINNE LAUGHS]

Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go.

But we just wanted to say,

whether you ever leave us or not,

we'll never leave you.

You daft pricks. Come here.

Come here.

[THEY CHUCKLE]

ALL: Mm!

Aw, very sweet.

Thank you.

Is your new Scottish boyfriend

going to be wearing a kilt

every time he comes over?

Spencer's English, sadly.

What? Yes.

Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni

and he lives in Highgate.

What does he do?

Is he a twat?

You will take the piss. I won't.

Yes, you will. I won't.

He's a spoken word artist.

I actually think that's

really brave.

No, go on, then. Spoken word.

Yeah. Get into it.

Lives unheard

Tales of

Turds. Oh, f*ck off!

And he is coming to stay next

week, so can we please just

Look, I'm happy for you. I am.

Hello, you.

Welcome home.

You OK, mate?

Yeah.

You know.

Onwards and upwards.

I mean, look, now my d*ck works,

I'm going to be doing a lot

more shagging in here,

so you might want to invest

in some earplugs.

Same.

I am here, you know.

Sorry, Shannon. Yeah.

Look, thanks for helping us out.

Nah, who am I to talk?

I'm the one that's bloody pregnant.

f*ck's sake!

I keep doing that.