02x02 - Strictly c*m Dumping

[bunniefuu]

The morning you first left for uni,

your nan took you

for a full English,

knowing it may well be the last

before she was too poorly

to do a competitive

all-you-can-eat-breakfast challenge.

Can't believe I've a grandson

off to university.

Feel like the f*cking Queen.

Oi. Look, it's Brent Uni,

all right? Not St Andrews.

There's kids studying mime, for

f*ck's sake.

Well, mime's still better than

the dole.

Got your pressies before you go. Oh.

Sudocrem.

JLS johnnies, only the best.

Corsodyl?

Bleeding gums put women off.

Trust me.

Right. Listen, if there's

any problems, OK,

promise me you'll just call me

and I'll come racing back.

Oh. All right.

There's loads of people round here

that can help you an' all. I know.

Let's not spoil now. OK.

Has your dad text to say goodbye

at all?

No. What a w*nk*r.

Oi.

Let's not spoil now.

Nan and Dan for ever.

Dan and Nan for ever.

Come on, big hug.

I love you. I love you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Now, don't pull a minger!

All right?

Bye. Ta-rah!

Every freshers event was always

about sex,

from the school disco party, where

everyone dressed as slutty versions

of the children they were only

four years before,

to the traffic light party,

where lads with loving girlfriends

back home still dressed in green

but Yemi, as LGBT society president,

wanted to make everything

a bit more inclusive.

We are here, we are q*eer

and we are wearing cotton sheer.

Yo, we're going to set up this LGBT+

stand

and then we're going to get f*cking

wasted. Woo! Yeah!

I've had my city-city pram-pram,

I'm in a good mood

and I'm ready to get wood.

Danny, I'm chuffed that you can get

an erection but do we have to hear

about it every five minutes?

Yes, because it's a medical miracle.

Me and Jackie boy here, we are

fully out to f*ck a fresher.

OK That sounds quite predatory,

but, yeah. Yeah, we are.

Mate, some of the birds at this uni

are older than me.

Amy from fine arts, 37.

Diane from illustration is 43.

Yeah, and both are married. Yes.

And what do you think creative,

unhappily married women do, right?

They fill out a UCAS form

and they f*ck their way through

a short-term arts degree.

Hello, Mummy. You repulse me sometimes.

Yeah, I repulse myself.

Anyway, you're going to be

entertaining Spencer later,

so just try not to think about my

raging hard-ons all night long, OK?

God.

You know how normally when straight

guys talk about their dicks,

I'm aroused?

With you, I'm just bored.

OK, fine.

I won't make any more mentions

of my erections for the rest

of the evening.

Touch wood! Oh, come on.

Jackie boy, are you going to help

us?

I am putting this sign up

for your lot.

Sorry, I just can't seem to get any

good 3G signal down here.

I'm streaming Strictly Come Dancing.

Oh, f*ck's sake.

What? It's Alison Hammond's

first week.

She's doing the cha-cha-cha

to Chaka Khan.

I don't give a cha-cha-sh*t, mate.

We're supposed to be on the pull.

Tonight is about

strictly come dumping.

Big finger in the house!

Look who's back.

Oh, no, actually, sorry.

Erm, why are you dressed like that?

It's the traffic light party, innit?

No, it's first years only,

I'm afraid.

Are you kidding me?

We actually have really strict rules

about this kind of thing

because of last year's

traffic lights,

when I caught a couple

of our caretakers

head to toe green boilersuits

skulking around after the students.

They were, like, 23, 24. It's like

really disgusting creeps.

It's not disgusting. You're 26, right?

Yeah. OK. Thank you.

That's very sweet.

OK, guys. Right, BRB.

I'm going to pop on my

Apple bottom jeans

Boots with the fur

Do you believe it?

Look, to be honest, Danny, the best

way for you to actually pull tonight

is by you leaning into the fact that

you are an older gentleman.

Older gentleman? Precisely.

You want to compete with all the

new arrives?

You've got to present like

a hot classic car.

Capitalise.

Yeah.

OK.

Jack, why aren't you out there?

He's FaceTiming Peggy, while she

holds the iPad up to the telly

playing Strictly.

What the f*ck are you wearing?

Hello, Danny babe.

Jack, give me the phone.

Look Hey, Pegs.

Listen, me and Jack are supposed

to be out on the pull tonight, so

And why are you dressed like

Richard Hammond, then?

Sorry!

Are Alison and Richard related?

Peggy, do you want your son

watching ballroom dancing

on a Saturday night, or do you want

him out here living his life?

Actually, you're totally right there.

You know, tell Jack I'm going

to hang up now. All right, OK.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

No, I'm keeping this until you get

out there and chat up some g*y boys.

Fine. h*m*. Dweeb.

Some prick's just nominated me for

the ice bucket challenge.

Jules? Yes.

She nominated me twice this week.

It's attention-seeking masquerading

as a charitable endeavour.

It's girls in white T-shirts

getting soaked in ice water

for motor neurone disease.

Yes, please.

You're despicable. I know.

Right, Spencer is here, so I'm going

to go.

OK. Good luck, pal. Go get 'em.

Oh, it's sad, though.

It's sad how a Latin American

movement pattern can wreck a home.

What? Strictly curse.

It absolutely terrifies me.

You don't date a celeb, though.

Peggy, I'm a party planner.

I'm around celebs all the time.

I could I could easily meet

a celeb.

And then one day he'd probably

leave me for a Russian woman

with amazing posture.

Maybe focus on dating

a non-celeb first.

Have you told the father yet?

No. I don't see why I should have to.

We both know that the best way

to get on The Apprentice

is to be a single mum

and an independent business owner.

It's common decency to let someone

know when they've knocked you up.

At the very least,

kids are f*cking expensive.

You're going to need a hand.

OK, then. Fine.

I will order something from Asos.

What? Why? You're skint.

The father's a next-day delivery driver.

Oh, God.

It began with, you know, just a

little parcel here and there and

Thank you.

See ya.

You know, a bit of flirty banter

at the door and

Stop it!

Oh.

He came on pretty strong.

And, yeah, I was feeling

a little bit lonely, so

Right.

Well, I hope he ain't

a Hermes delivery driver.

I wouldn't go there.

I would never go there.

Asos.

Yeah.

The other day I had a hook-up

and as I was leaving the guy's room,

we realised we'd taken off the exact

same outfit,

same T-shirt, same underwear,

same socks. All of it.

Happens all the time. Yeah.

I looked inside one of the pairs

of pants to see if it was my size,

and I just saw this huge crusty

skid mark

straight down the middle of them.

That's how I knew they were mine.

Anyone who plays their cards right

gets to check if I'm joking or not.

Do you guys want a hooch?

Please don't talk to me.

Yes.

Thanks, er, Oscar.

Hey. No worries

Jack.

I'll get you a hooch.

I like your earrings.

Thanks. My boyfriend got them

for me. OK.

I'm from Argentina. Oh, wow.

I don't know anything about Argentina,

apart from obviously when Beckham

got the red card.

David Beckham kicked Diego Simeone

in '98.

Er, I was born in '96.

You

So this is, I'd say, 65 to 75% of

my Ty Beanie Baby collection,

the vast majority of which will have

to be bought in

Whilst you were getting your ear

chewed off,

I managed to pull a really fit guy

of my own age,

which meant I got my phone back

and I got

Dandruff check. Oh, yeah.

Have you douched?

Um, that's not on my checklist.

I know, but if you're going to be

mating, you've got to get excavated.

OK, OK. Thanks, Danny.

So, what are you going to be

studying? Er, PR.

Oh, cool, cool. Yeah.

I mean, we need PRs, right?

Cos people always have affairs

that need covering.

Er, yeah, sure.

So what do you teach?

Sorry teach? Yeah. What are you,

like, a lecturer or?

No, I'm

PE.

I mean, anyone with a history

of depression who spent weeks

watching daytime telly in bed with

her as their only source of joy

Loves Alison.

Completely.

Thanks for letting me tether

to your 3G.

It's romantic, innit?

Tethering.

I'm Sorry.

I really want to do this,

but I need to watch this.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, sure, sure.

Alison's also just like a really

adept, proficient journalist.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

I always say that.

Well, you are a journalism student, so

Hey, look, I'm going to be

right back. I just need to

I get lost in my thoughts

and for hours of time

And it's making me feel

like I'm not alone any more

To be honest, to be honest

I'm trying to love

but I'm afraid to k*ll

You hadn't had a text from your dad

in years.

..When to search or stay still

So I fly

Where is he?

I need a tether.

..Broken and yet tender

Always in and always out

You OK?

I can't find Oscar anywhere.

You sure you're OK?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Erm, I think I might go, actually.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's go.

No, no, look, mate, I don't want to

ruin your night, like, you just

It's all good. Let's go.

Despite our efforts to f*ck

a fresher, we got back to the shed

to find our flatmates were the ones

getting f*cked instead.

10.15pm.

It's the final day in Chelmsford,

and the food at Gavin's Caribbean

theme night has shocked his guests,

as has his special package.

Come Dine With Me, Channel 4.

Yeah. All right.

But what specific channel?

Oh, considering time of broadcast.

E4 plus one.

Bad luck. More4.

Oh, f*ck!

Are you OK, mate?

Yeah. I mean, the girl I actually

like is being railed next door,

right after the fresher I was

chirpsing mistook me for -

wait for it - a lecturer.

So, yeah, I've had better nights.

You?

I'm just annoyed this Oscar guy disappeared.

I was finally chipsing someone

I really liked.

Chirpsing.

Chirps chirpsing.

Chirpsing. There we go.

You dirty pig! You dirty

f*cking pig!

Right, just eat Monster Munch, mate.

It drowns out the sound.

Go on, get it in your mouth. Yeah.

Crunch, crunch, crunch.

Open your eyes

Wake up in the daylight

Ooh, Oscar! You dirty boy!

Oh, please say I'm dreaming that.

Do you like that? Do you like it?

Soz, mate.

You naughty boy, Oscar!

All right?

Yes.

Spencer just left.

Oh! Wait, was Spencer here?

Oh, I didn't realise that.

Shut up, Danny.

These walls are thin.

Yes, I know, Corinne.

Sadly, Jack here got with a lad

called Oscar last night.

Why is that sad?

Because he came back and f*cked

Yemi. Sorry, Jack. Oh, dear.

Good morning. Good morning.

Morning.

Good morning, Jack.

Corinne, babe, I think we need

to talk volume.

Oh, do we? Mm-hm. Lots. Oh.

What's up with her?

You f*cked Oscar.

That's who Jack likes. What?

Yeah, we all heard you.

Oh, sh*t.

I'm sorry. Mm-hm.

Right, I need to get some sleep.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, he's quite sexy, Shan.

Is he? Yeah.

We only really did it

for about four minutes

before he had to deliver another parcel.

Oh, poor boy. Poor boy?

Poor me, more like.

God, he's not the brightest spark

at all.

I don't know how he's going

to take it.

Wow. That's amazing.

Yeah. And you can, like,

meet the baby and that

but I am fully intending on being

a single mum-trepreneur, so

Well, I can help out as much as you

like or as little as you like.

No, I won't need help, thank you.

Well, let me give you my number.

All right, well, don't write

on the parcel.

And I'll give you my landline.

Don't need to do that. Just in case.

There you go.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Actually, I don't need this.

I'm just going to take that.

I just did that to get you here.

So if you could return that for me,

that'd be great.

OK. OK. Thanks. Bye.

Shannon Papadopoulou, shame on you.

Peggy

No, he was quite mean to me

out there.

Hey!

Did Alison get through on Strictly

last night?

Are you concerned about

being radicalised to jihad?

What if I am?

The jihadis aren't overly keen on

the uptake from h*m*, mate.

It says it there. Anyway,

do you want a coffee?

I was going to go get one.

What happened last night?

Yeah, I don't know. I'm sorry.

I went a bit AWOL.

I just felt too drunk,

so I headed home.

Oh, did you now?

Yes.

You didn't go to a big blue shed to

get called a f*cking c*m sl*t pig?

f*cking hell. Yeah,

did Yemi tell you what we did?

He didn't have to. We all heard it.

Oh, f*ck.

I just really love his shows. What?

Yeah. His shows are, like,

insanely hot.

What shows? I confess, I've been

a fan of Yemi for a while now.

What are you talking about?

Yemi's web

cam shows? Yes.

Oscar said Yemi was a webcam performer

and he knew who I was from

Yemi's Instagram,

which makes sense, because he somehow

knew I was a journalism student.

Wait, wait-wait-wait.

So

So Yemi w*nk*ng on webcam to Oscar

is what we all heard?

That makes so much sense

because I kept hearing

Oh, dear, my webcam's fallen over.

Look, well, good for him, all right?

We can have a word, tell him to

quieten it down.

But how Yemi makes his money

is none of our business.

I want to watch.

Good user interface.

Hmm.

Hello. Hi, just doing some homework.

I wanted to apologise, Jack,

for sleeping with Oscar.

I'm sorry.

I got you an apology gift that

I'd be more than happy

to assist you in trying.

Oh, is that a clown horn?

Honk, honk.

It's a silicone a**l d*uche.

Ooh, no, thank you.

So you fill it up with warm water,

spread your cheeks, squat up

your bowels, and then splush!

You expel all demons, pagan spirits

and poo particles.

A fresh bussy for the freshers.

Thank you Yemi!

When I've finished doing some bits

and bobs in my room, I'll come out

here and give you a tutorial.

You could use that to do

the dishes, mate, couldn't you?

It might mean you actually do them.

Guys, why is he lying

that he f*cked Oscar?

Yeah, well, maybe because he's

embarrassed about his job,

which is more reason why

we should not watch his show.

He's on, I hear pony.

This is so wrong.

Don't be such a spoilsport.

You're literally the one reading

a magazine full of t*ts.

I'm reading an article

about renewable energy.

OK, anyway, I paid for these t*ts.

Yeah, well, I just paid

5.99 to sign up, so

No, you didn't, you clicked the free

trial button. Shut up, Jack.

So which one of you dirty b*stards

want to come

and lick this shoe clean?

Those are my Doc Martens.

Ah, ah.

All right, lads.

Danny, come here, mate. What?

Who's getting the drink in tonight?

Oh, that's my Hard-fi T-shirt.

Let's have a Kiki

I want to have a Kiki

Lock the doors

Let's have a Kiki

We're being served

Ha-ha-honey #.

What's going on here?

Oh, there's 69 of you dirty

b*stards watching me right now.

Thank you.

Special shout-outs go out

to Colin, Olusola.

Brian Blessed - again?

And

Yo, yo, yo, yo, listen, I'm about to

do a quick costume change.

Stay here, enjoy this

short intermission.

So what's he going to do now?

Is he getting changed, he said?

Busy?

Right, I'd have thought

you're cleverer

than to let your chatroom username

be your university email address.

Oh, sh*t.

Right, you're all going to get

one question each.

Only speak if holding the d*uche.

Erm

Why are you doing it, babe?

I'm a fashion student making

25 to 30 garments a term.

I cannot afford decent fabrics

without this money.

And how long have you?

You've had your question.

Pass on the d*uche.

OK, what stuff do you do?

Sometimes I wank, sometimes

just show body.

Sometimes I'll just be sitting there

talking about RuPaul's Drag Race.

It really depends

what the viewers want.

But can I just say, I told

them both several times

that they shouldn't watch, but go

on, how much coin are you making?

Depending on what kind of

show I'm doing

roughly 300 a night.

What? £300 a night.

Flipping hell, right now I can

get hard-ons,

I'll bash a few out for some cash.

Shut up, Danny.

OK, enough, I'm really going to need

all of you lot to help me

keep my business on the DL.

Yeah, and can I just say

I'm really sorry?

OK, we could just We could all

hear you.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

I was just a bit jealous and

Look, is there anything we can do

to make it up to you?

Despite the humiliation

of being Yemi's sex sl*ve

gimp dildo assistant, this was kind

of making me feel

a bit more confident, knowing that

somewhere Oscar was

Yeah

And you felt confident you were

in a good enough place

to text your dad back.

Oh, f*ck, it's brilliant.

Oh, thanks.

It's a shame we ain't met

Spencer yet.

He's just really busy at the moment.

He's busy? He is.

He's a poet, isn't he?

Yes, Danny, he's a poet.

And a very good one, actually.

Very good.

Actually, can I take a quick photo

of you?

Why? It's for my nan, I know

it's weird.

She just said I said I'd send her

pictures of all my mates and

What, on her own? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me just take that

OK, right, you ready?

Just say ice bucket challenge!

Argh!

This is f*cking cashmere, Yemi.

Woo!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?