02x04 - Surprise, Surprise!

[bunniefuu]

Brent Uni grew on me as a pretty

cool place to study, but sadly

a couple of freshers left

then ended up in the news.

Here I am trying to help the

students with their job interviewing

skills and they keep dropping out

to go and wage holy w*r.

It's not your fault if people

leave to join !sis, Jules.

It might be. Right!

Jules and Danny, idea is you talk

to camera bigging up the uni.

Jack and I will edit it a treat.

And I get to put

video director on my CV.

Right. Jules, why don't you

kick us off with

what makes Brent Uni unique.

And action!

Hi, I'm Jules Handy.

And I'm Danny King.

I've dedicated the last ten years

of my life to Brent University.

Want to know why?

Stick around and watch till the end.

Now the gym at uni is a little bit

pubey, so when the weather's good,

why not come to our outdoor gym?

But don't come after dark.

Please.

Is that good, Jack?

Jack? Maybe it's your first

time away from Mum and Dad,

but don't worry about that.

We can all be your mum now.

Because here at Brent,

we have these fantastic facilities.

If you need to focus

on your work Sh!

Or you're a massive dweeb,

then why not come and work in

silence in our university library?

Whoa.

Not That can't

Absolutely not!

You're right by the books!

Go down to the accessible loo if

you have to do it. Absolutely not.

So you've heard from the students.

And the SU.

And now that all remains for us

to say is BOTH: Get Brent!

And cut!

Surprise!

[CHEERING]

You remembered.

Yeah, I always remember.

Happy birthday, mate.

Happy birthday.

You going to get a new bloody

birthday suit then, mate, or what?

Sorry, I forgot what it meant.

I'd been dreaming up this surprise

day all year to give you the best

27th B-day ever.

OK, so remember last birthday

when you shat yourself?

Yeah. Sort of drugged us all. Yeah.

Lied to us all that you were taking

medication when you weren't.

Yeah, all right! It's my birthday.

Well, to avoid that, I've planned

a day of all your favourite things.

And to start with, we're going

to your favourite place.

The pervy old man pub on

the ring road that does Thai food?

Your second favourite place?

Fleet services! It's one of

your favourite places.

Look, if it's Pizza Express and a

promo code like it's fine, but

No!

Is it bingo? Bingo!

Oh, mate! See, I know how much you

miss going with your nan, so

Oh, f

Listen, er. f*ck.

My dad's driving up to have lunch.

Like, I didn't say anything

because I thought he was going to

let me down, but, like,

he's nearly here. OK.

Right. Well, not to panic.

I can ring and add him on.

Will he need parking?

What's his vehicle registration?

I mean, I've been a stranger to

the bloke for years.

Parking's scarce. Hey, I think

we can just bingo another time.

Yes? You go

have a nice lunch with your dad.

Jack, help me edit the film.

And Danny can meet us in the SU

for a drink later. Lovely bubbly.

Um, sorry, guys. To be quite H,

we actually need to get on.

We're asking everyone on campus one

a pivotal question today, aren't we?

Is it white and gold

or is it blue and black?

I'm actually seeing blue and gold.

I can't believe this is

what our tuition fees pay for.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

Thank you.

I asked my mum and Shannon to get

in a cake for a surprise party,

which naturally meant going

to the best bakery in Britain.

Costco.

That bloke's checking you out.

No! Er, that's a bit pervy

when you're eating Italian sausage.

I'm lucky if I get looked at at all.

Come off it!

I keep telling you

to get on the dating apps.

Look, there is no pressure

to meet anyone.

Just a laugh. It's just a laugh.

Not for me, thank you. Why?

I'm sorry, but you keep delaying

suggestions to get meeting blokes,

and I get it, right?

But wouldn't it be nice

for you to have a companion?

Like not be sat here with me

in a taxi eating Frankfurters?

OK, fine.

Look, I've only just worked out

how to send a Twitter.

And Jack absolutely must not

under any circumstance find out.

No, no, no, I know, no, no.

I actually DM'd Cher

earlier on today.

What did you say?

Hello, Cher.

Big fan.

How are you?

Any reply?

No.

What a b*tch.

Hello, mate! You all right?

Yeah. You good? Yeah.

Come here.

You all right? Yeah.

Lovely. How was the drive?

Nah, it's all right.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I hate London, though.

It's just traffic, innit?

Traffic and Pret.

Yeah.

I got you something.

Nice one. Yeah.

Oh. I know you like writing,

and you got

your journalism and all that.

Yeah. It's lined.

Right, yeah. Thanks, dad.

Yeah. Well

Fancy a pint?

Are you having a drink? Yeah, gonna

have a little, little snifter.

Special occasion, isn't it?

All right. Just one though, yeah?

Yeah, just the one? Mm-hm.

Coming up.

Let the dog see the rabbit!

Oh, sorry! You all right?

Yeah. You go to Costco for booze,

you come back with a pram.

Aw. Are you getting excited now?

I really am, actually.

The other day in the shop, right,

there was this little boy,

and he was like, "Oh, mummy, mummy!"

And I just went, "Yeah?"

Just, just to see what it was like!

It turned out he was lost.

That was awful.

And have you talked to Tarik,

the baby daddy?

He texts me every single day

for how I am.

I've had to start sending him other

women's scan pics from Google images

just to get him off my back.

[PHONE PINGS]

Ooh!

I've been matched with John.

Oh, no, no, no, you can't

date a man called John.

That is the most common name

on the UK sex offenders register.

I nearly called Jack John.

Oh, my God!

This woman from Take A Break,

she asked the Metropolitan Police

in a Freedom of Information request.

"I would like to know

the ten most common first names

of sex offenders."

John comes in at number one.

Followed by David, Michael,

Peter and Andy.

Which honestly has really made me

feel weird about Andi Peters.

I liked him before.

You heard from your mum?

Uh, I mean, she sent me

an e-card, if that counts.

Like, we don't really speak.

She don't send me e-cards.

Yeah, it's almost like you're

divorced and you hate each other.

Hah! Wise words.

Well, it's true, actually.

Every time I try and call her,

she's like, "Oh, I can't talk

because of the time difference."

She's in Spain!

Yeah, I know. Not f*cking Barbados.

Yeah, well, I don't love

talking to her, to be honest.

I can just hear it in her voice

that she still feels guilty.

And it's just like, I'm done.

Man.

That'll happen

if you leave your family.

Well, it's not like you made it

easy for her, is it?

Any news on your nan?

Yeah, she's stable, so

I suppose at this stage,

it's just

It's just a waiting game, isn't it?

Yeah, all right, steady on.

Oh, sorry. I

f*cking hell, I know I

I'm getting this all wrong, I

It's all right, it's all right.

Shagging anyone?

Honestly, I now have so many

bags for life, I actually believe

many of them will outlive me.

I've still got

Laurie's bag for life.

He always shopped in Budgens.

Oh, I love Budgens.

It's like, not Tesco's,

not Saino's, not Asda,

but like it's Budgens,

do you know what I mean?

Completely.

Uh, Peggy?

Sorry, babe, but your Tinder

photo has got Laurie in it.

Oh, I know I haven't got any nice

photos without him in them.

Yeah, babe, not being rude

or nothing, but you can't

have your dead husband

in your dating pics.

I tried to crop him out,

but I couldn't.

Aw, Pegs.

Let me do the cropping, yeah?

Right, just lean forward a bit

and let me take some new pics.

All right? I can't. Guys!

You've barely set up.

I want Danny to have a great night.

Don't worry. I'm going to make

cheese and pickle sandwiches now.

Cut off the crusts.

He's 27. We just need booze.

I can't even see any plastic cups.

Huh? Well, I got you red plastic

cups because I wanted you to feel

like you were in a crazy

American music video, OK?

Like you were having

some Skins party in LA.

Skins is set in Bristol.

Oh, you are being

a contrary b*tch today, Jack.

I am seven months pregnant.

Do you think I give

a f*cking sh*t about Skins?

Agh!

So that night for your surprise

party, I'd invited an odd mishmash

of my family, uni staff and

random girls that you had tagged

in Facebook club night photos with.

I was very stressed.

He's here! He's here, he's here.

OK, everyone get down! Shannon.

What's the food sitch?

Um, there's sandwiches.

Yeah, but there's no allergen info,

and Kelly is sensitive

to wheat gluten.

OK, well, it's bread, isn't it?

Surprise!

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh, are you Danny's dad?

All right?

Can I just ask you for a quickie?

Yeah, OK. Um, this dress.

What colour, would you say?

Popcorn?

I mean, take your time.

Popcorn?

Jack, just relax, all right?

Popcorn?

Yemi, the empties!

Popcorn, guys?

Don't, don't, don't, don't

Say another sorry today

Excuse me, mate. Is there any ice?

Does it look like there's any ice?

Shannon, where's the ice?

Oh, um, the ice?

Let me have a think.

Yeah, it's in the shop.

Argh!

Ah. Honestly.

Right, look.

I'm so out of touch

I started to levitate

Now we just hang around

Shan, I've matched with Russell.

Is he fit?

Well

He's a minicab driver

with all his own teeth, so.

Wow.

You are kicking off with the tens

there, Pegs. Good stuff.

But what do I do?

Er

Just chat.

I don't know what to say.

Message him what

you messaged Cher, yeah?

Right. Here we are.

What brought the orgy

to a grinding halt?

Er No, I wouldn't say

child protection services, no.

Choose a different one if you can.

Er White privilege?

No, that did not make me laugh.

So basically, I was involved

in major youth tenpin bowling

tournaments around the UK.

I actually won

the Margate regionals.

I've got a photo

of me with my ba*ls.

Holding them, like that.

Go easy on those.

What else have I got?

Some people say I was one

of the most successful under-17

Jules? I got Kelly a pack of

chicken Fridge Raiders.

It's the best I can do.

Oh. Kelly was just about to

come out to everyone as vegan.

Argh!

Oh. Jack, calm down.

Look, it's going grand.

Yeah, look, I'm having a great time.

Listen, have either of you

spoke to my dad yet? Erm, not yet.

No, I

nipped out and got some ice

for your straight footy mates.

Oh, no, they're not straight. What?

No, they're a couple of g*y fellas

I work out at the gym with.

I was just really rude to them!

you shouldn't be rude to people

just because you think

they're straight, Jack.

Get out of my way. For God's sake!

You having a nice time?

Yeah, no, I am, actually.

And your dad? All going good?

Yeah. Yeah.

OK.

So what did Russell say?

Well, he's also

just started using Tinder.

Oh, no. Red flag, Peggy, red flag.

Flag de rouge.

I bet he's had six dates

on there this month. No!

Yeah. No, he seems nice.

He lives in Wembley

with two dogs called Sue and Mel.

What? We're just

making pleasantries.

OK. Well, make sure you know

what his income is per annum.

Then we can find out if you need

more cleavage in the main pic.

Oh, blimey.

I can't get any more out.

You can, Peggy! You know you can.

Shannon, loads of guys are leaving

to go shop because all the beers

are alcohol-free.

Yes, and? Mum said at Costco

you got 80 cans of Red Stripe beer.

Danny's favourite drink.

Sorry. Are you now annoyed

that the drinks have been drinked?

The clue is in the name Jack.

They're drinks.

People drink drinks, OK?

They are thirsty at parties.

And I'm so sorry

for providing drinks for people!

But these people need drinks.

And, yes, they might have

drunk them all up.

How you doing?

All right. Yeah.

DJ's a bit sh*t.

This place is a bit of a dive,

isn't it?

There's a massive f*cking

Scotland flag on the wall.

Whoopsy-daisy. That's me.

Yeah, Danny got it for me.

All right, Jock?

Your son's amazing, you know?

Leave it out.

He's a f He's a plum.

Hello, dickheads!

Jack's just gone to get

some more booze,

and he's going to set up

a beer pong table.

But I've never played beer pong.

You're very beer pong.

Do you know what I mean?

I'll go get some ba*ls. All right.

Look, I'm really glad

you came today.

Yeah. Great, mate, yeah.

It's. It's nice to see you

settled in.

I, um, I did want to

have a chat, though.

Nan's flat.

I think I should take it.

I mean, it's bigger than mine.

It's nearer to town and stuff.

What are you talking about?

I'm going to apply

for succession of the flat.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm after a council flat

swap, and I want Nan's.

No, she doesn't

She doesn't want you there.

That's That's our home.

Well, you live here now.

Anyway. Just play along

with the council,

help me out a bit.

Is this why you actually came?

All right, mate,

no need to get arsey.

I could have just

texted you, couldn't I?

You know, technically,

I'm just like a lodger here.

Like I haven't got any tenants

rights. It's a f*cking shed, right?

Nan's flat's my flat. OK?

That's mine and Nan's flat.

It's not yours.

Well, I'm next of kin, so

Guess we'll both

have to apply for it.

She ain't even

She might need to come back there

one day. Come off it.

We both know she is never

coming back to that flat.

Yeah, I KNOW, all right?

All right, mate.

Slow down. I thought you lot

were supposed to be able

to handle your drink.

f*cking amateurs.

f*ck you. You now what? f*ck you.

I have been grieving Nan

ever since I got here.

You know, this is the reason

that I actually reached out

to you and tried to let you back in.

Because I thought maybe,

just for a second,

he might be

as cut up about this as me.

Well, of course,

I mean, it's sad, isn't it,

yeah, but

You know.

I mean, look at you.

You're still just looking out

for yourself, aren't you?

This is why you're completely alone.

And do you know what

the worst thing is? So am I.

When she does go, at least I know

I would have sat next to her bed.

How are you going to

f*cking live with yourself?

I feel sorry for you, Dennis.

You'd often leave parties

without saying bye.

We'd pretend it's because

you'd pulled some fit girl.

But we all know it's because

something in your head's gone off.

Can we just not!

Sorry.

I just want Sometimes it's best

if I'm just on my own, OK?

I just. I don't want to

like, burden anyone.

You really couldn't burden us, mate.

But I get it.

God, I'm just so sick of

like, every time I think it's

going to be different and Danny.

Are you OK?

Can you come back in, please?

Because they're requesting Candy,

and you're my only white friend

that can do the slide

without me cringing.

Sorry, mate, I just don't

I just feel a bit embarrassed

by the whole thing.

Danny. I'm sorry about him

No, no. Look, I get it.

When I was like 15, 16, I started

sneaking into the g*y clubs

using someone else's ID.

He was actually Asian,

which is like really bad.

And I was wearing

these horrible sequinned crop tops.

It was a lot.

Anyway

I pretty soon realised that most

of my mates said they had to find

a chosen family, and that was either

because they couldn't be accepted

by their own or they refused

to accept anything less.

I refuse to accept anything less.

And that isn't because

all my family are h*m*.

They aren't.

But my chosen family

They love me whatever.

And that shitty shed

is full of people, Danny,

who have chosen you.

So please.

Choose them.

I love you, Yemi.

Of course you do, I'm incredible.

All right.

Shall we go back in? Yeah.

Come on, then.

Come on, then!

Rehearsal. To the right.

To the left. Take it back.

It's nice to hear

your voice again

I've waited all day long

Even wrote a song for you

It's strange

the way you make me feel

With just a word or two

What?

Oh, babe, I had a right

Jeremy Kyle moment in there.

What happened?

[KNOCKING]

Are you OK, darl?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be out in a bit.

I'm just taking a second,

you know?

Well, I wanted to give you

your birthday present.

Because the other day, I came home

and Jack had let himself in,

and I could tell

he'd had a little cry upstairs.

We all still miss Laurie.

Sometimes you just got to

come home and let it all out.

So I wanted to give you this.

That's That's Laurie's key.

I can't

It's yours.

It's yours any time

you want to pop round.

Have a bath, a cry.

Raid the fridge.

Use towels that aren't like

pieces of Ryvita.

You come on by.

You know you don't have to do that.

I know. But I want to.

And I promise I'll help you figure

out how to keep your nan's flat, OK?

But for now, you are always welcome

to feel home at mine.

Thanks.

Just make sure that you get

some fabric softener here,

cos them towels in the bathroom,

they're, like, crunchy.

It is suspect.

Yeah.

Does that hurt? Yes!

What about that? Shannon, careful.

What's going on? Danny.

I'm so sorry.

Shan told me what happened,

and I just saw red.

He punched your dad. Hard.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, mate, that's so good.

Ow! Well, what have I taught

you about throwing jabs?

You keep your thumb

out the fist jab.

Right. Get ready, g*y boys.

I was editing this for ages.

Oh, come on, I don't think people

want to watch me and Jules

banging on about Brent Uni.

Just watch.

Happy birthday, Danny!

I hope you like this.

BOTH: Happy birthday, Danny!

Danny! Happy birthday.

I think you're older than me.

Happy birthday, Danny.

Love from Jules Hendy, head of

student union and welfare services.

Happy birthday, Danny.

I hope you had the most amazing day.

It took a lot of planning.

I hope you win at bingo.

I hope you did all the pottery

painting as well that I booked.

Happy birthday, Danny.

Stop eating my Special K.

Happy birthday, Danny.

I love you.

I called the care home

and they sent this.

You know, so she wouldn't forget

to wish you a happy birthday.

Jack

That's not my nan.

What?

I'm only joking. That is.

Won't you hear me at your door

Singing give me some more

Cos you were never empty

And we've been here before

Yes, we've been here before

And that was always plenty