02x05 - All Work and No Play Makes Jack a Dull g*y

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: You once told me

about your summer as

a Magaluf holiday rep.

The tour operator asked

everyone to do a Rosetta Stone,

but you were skint, so you did

a key stage three Spanish course

on BBC Bitesize.

Oh, OK, I got one. I know it.

Right, nada del relaciones sexuales

en el banera de hidromasaje.

Uh, no shagging in the jacuzzi.

Yes!

[HE LAUGHS]

So, apparently, most of the

lolidaygoers are, like,

they all speak English.

But every now and again, you know,

you get, like, a little

whippersnapper from inland Spain

who just comes and spunks

in the hot tub, so.

[HE LAUGHS]

What are those?

It's my liquids.

[HE CHUCKLES]

What? It says measure out your

liquids to 100ml

and put them in bags.

You have You have to put them

in bags.

He's got a bag of shampoo.

A poo bag!

You have to

put your liquids in bags.

[THEY LAUGH]

Honestly, anyone would think

you've never been abroad.

NARRATOR: You hadn't.

You'd never even flown before.

That summer of work lasted

six months.

And the whole time everyone

called you Poo Bag.

So, at the end of second year,

for our uni work experience week,

you made sure yours was somewhere

you'd properly fit in.

Well, ever since the, um, the two or

three, or 17, or so, students left

for !sis, I've been wanting to

create positive content about how,

you know, Brent Uni harnesses potential.

I mean, how do you

know I ain't going to leave?

Terrorism isn't funny, Danny.

It's a pain in my arse. Sorry.

OK, so where are you going

for work experience?

I am going to the home of

top-quality bants,

online lads' mag, Nice One Mate.

Bosh!

I'm going to Koolio Radio's

youth issues phone-in show

Help! Lol, I'm a Teenager.

I'm going to the ethically

conscious, activism-led content

creation agency Bloom Flower to help

facilitate the generation of newly

manifested ideas

empowered by social justice causes.

[SHE YAWNS]

Oh, sorry

Yeah, I forgot you're not. What?

They sent an email saying

Bloom Flower have ceased operations

to engage in a meaningful

period of self-reflection

regarding our carbon footprint.

Oh, f*ck off.

Where am I supposed to go

for a week?

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

This is horrendous.

Oh, come on, we'll get you through.

I can't believe I'm in for a week

of banter about Michelle Keegan's

f*cking arse.

I know, it's great.

MUSIC: Chelsea Dagger

by The Fratellis

#M

NARRATOR: Nice One Mate

took on interns as free labour.

The editor, Eddie, a 30-something

divorce whose breath even smelt

of cocaine, addressed everyone

as either bruv, buddy, pal, lad,

geezer, fella or

Broskis, listen the f*ck up.

We have got some

new work experience in.

You all right, fella? Grab a Mac.

There's a drinks fridge in the shape

of a VW camper van out back.

Honestly, mate, it's f*cking nutty

stuff, do you know what I mean?

Feel free to grab a beer,

by the way.

Um, just bung a quid

in the Pudsey Bear box.

Half the proceeds

go towards a good cause

like the Ayia Napa work weekend

trip away.

Shabba!

Sorry, am I invisible, or?

I guess so.

Now, our editorial interests include

pulling, nightlife, girls,

festivals, promo codes for Stone

Island jackets, Bitcoin

and girls.

This is so f*cking lame.

And, yeah, just remember, we live

fast, work fast and die young.

RIP, Simmo.

He died doing what he loved,

you know?

Zorbing for 500 words and the

world's most dangerous stag dos.

Anyway, I call an editorial pitch

meeting on the hour, every hour.

Yeah? It's where one of you lot

will write up my f*cking sick ideas.

Capiche?

Good stuff.

BRB, I'm off for a sh*t.

[HE CHUCKLES]

sh*t

Hello. You must be Jack.

I'm producer Beth, and welcome

to Koolio Radio, where the music

and chat are too Koolio

a-for schoolio.

Do you always speak in that voice?

Soz. I forget when I'm not on air to

get rid of the intonation pattern.

Let's go!

You'll be sat here during the show,

manning calls and texts from young

listeners who want advice from our

fab duo, Bethy B and Dr Prateek.

Wait, you present the show as well?

I do now, mainly due to budget

cuts and the old presenter

was a paedophile.

So follow this script figuring

out if the calls or texts

are appropriate to be put on air.

OK. I'll be presenting and driving

the radio desk during the show.

OK, what if someone calls in

and they're like having a meltdown?

Mm there's a safeguarding file.

Terms and conditions apply.

If anyone's suicidal, please refer

them to the Koolio Radio website.

Sorry. Say that again.

Brill! We're live in 25.

Before I forget, I'm a soy flat

white. Dr Prateek's a green tea.

Watch out for prank calls and don't

put through a girl named Tamsin.

Hello.

Excuse me, hi.

Are there any other women here,

or is it just?

Babe, sit.

Take a seat right there.

OK, so we are the subeditors.

I'm Meryl.

I upload everything,

check it can't get sued.

And I also try and moderate

comments from tiny-dicked

men's rights activists.

Stick with us cos Eddie over there

only talks to blokes.

Ah, I'm leaving. I don't want to be

around misogyny disguised as banter.

Oh, OK, Germaine Greer,

but this is the real world, so.

Yeah.

Corinne, you need work experience

credits to pass second year of uni,

so get involved.

What, and?

Look, spend the week with us,

and you will do some of the most

challenging subediting

of your career.

And you'll learn how to win

against dickhead blokes like Eddie.

Now, come and help me

cut down this piece

on Michelle Keegan's arse.

[SHE EXHALES]

I can't believe she expects

us to call her that now.

Oh, don't be mean.

She's just got married.

Well, I, for one, will not

be calling her

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini -

I can't be dealing with that.

I can't believe you're due

in two weeks.

It feels like only yesterday

I was changing your nappy.

Well, I'll be

changing yours soon, Nan.

Oh, my God, Peggy,

Russell just liked your new prof

pic on Facey B. Oh.

We're going to the pub on Friday

after he's finished work.

What's he do?

He's a

He's a minicab driver.

Oh, look, it's just

a very casual first drink.

You'll actually have to make

your own dinner, Shannon.

What? No, I'm eating for three

at the moment, Peggy.

That's very tricky for me.

Why three?

So many mums in Take a Break go in

to have a baby and then, surprise,

surprise, they come out with two.

Oh. So, I'm not taking any chances.

And, listen, don't you be getting

loved-up too soon, because I need

you to help me raise this baby.

Which reminds me -

OK, I've drawn up a childcare rota

for the three of us.

OK? You can f*ck off, love.

Are you my nan? Nans help!

It's all right.

We'll help a bit.

But can you please

get the father involved?

Fine. OK. Yeah, I'll text Tarik,

see if he wants to take me

for dinner on Friday.

I'm not cooking for four.

OK, we're live in three, two, one.

Hey, folks, it's me, Beth,

and today's topic is exam stress.

So if you're going bonky, bonky,

bonkers over your GCSEs, get calling

0207 946 zero, a-three, a-three,

a-three.

Hello, you're through to

Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue today?

Hi, I'm Lucy, I hate revising and

I need some tips on how to do it.

Great, Lucy. I'll patch you through

to the studio now.

Hello, you're through to

Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue today?

Tamsin.

Uh, I want to talk to Dr Prateek

cos my GP's always busy

and I've got really itchy t*ts.

Oh, right.

Um, well, sadly, we can't help

your itchy t*ts. I mean breasts.

Uh

Itchy t*ts.

Hello.

You're through to Koolio Radio.

What's your name and issue?

It's me, it's Jules.

Oh, Jules. I can't chat right now.

I just wondered how

it was all going.

Are you making friends?

Have you had lunch yet?

[DIAL TONE]

Good morning everybody.

OK, let's gather round.

Gather round.

Uh, first things first, OK,

last night I absolutely

walloped Dodsy here on Fifa, 5-0.

So you know what that means.

On the shitbox, Dodsy.

My name's Dodsy

and I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.

[THEY CHEER]

Remember, if I beat

any of you 5-0,

you have to publicly apologise

for letting mankind down.

Yeah?

Sit down, Dodsy. All right?

Today, some of my very good pals,

Kasabian, they're going to pop

into the office to do a Q&A

on Twitter. Yeah?

Dandruff, you on that?

Yes. Nice one.

So, new idea, OK?

Let's just go with this.

I want to do a short-form video

on somebody getting their bollocks

checked for cancerous lumps.

But, wait for it,

we're going to get

a page three model to do it.

[THEY CHEER]

Nah, just jokes.

It will actually have to be a fully

qualified nurse, unfortunately.

But the good news is, I will need

somebody to get their ba*ls f*ndled.

So, uh, let's go with

you, Danny boy.

You'll be getting your tackle

out tomorrow. Yeah?

Yeah. Nice.

I'm going to need a video edit and

accompanying copy on my desk by six.

OK? Whatever. Nice one, mate.

Oh.

f*ck' I crack myself up.

Unfortunately, you soon realise

that everyone at Nice One Mate

was a bit of a prick.

Oh, lads, she might have found

a tiny lump.

Oh, no, don't worry about it.

It's just Danny's left nut.

[THEY GUFFAW]

You're all good. Oh, cheers.

Uh, sorry about that.

Oh, brill.

Thank you, by the way, nurse.

Um, I just think it's always

good to raise awareness.

You know what I mean?

Well done, Ball Boy!

Well done, Ball Boy! Ball Boy.

Ball Boy. So clever!

I actually can't believe

he gone through with that.

Koolio Radio g*ng, how we doing?

[AIR HORN]

Today's show theme is all

about losing your virginity.

So if you're worried about it,

give me and Dr Prateek a call.

In the meantime,

here's Madge with Like a Virg.

MUSIC: Like a Virgin

by Madonna

Hello. You're through to

Koolio Radio.

[SNIGGERING]

Hello?

Oh, hello, dear.

Are you a virgin

looking for advice from my show?

No, I'm not a virgin!

I wouldn't be in this mess if I was.

OK, Shannon.

Can you hang up now

because I need to find a virgin.

You're a virgin, ain't you?

Yeah, I might be a virgin,

but at least I'm not a dickhead.

Your mum's here, by the way,

darling, you're on speaker.

Hi, my babe.

OK, stop tuning in, both of you.

You're too old.

Oh, do you know what, Jack? That's

really charming. Thanks a lot.

We're actually going to an antenatal

class now anyway, so

[PHONE LINE BEEPS]

Oh! He's naughty like that.

Oh, while I remember, Pegs,

can you put some Muslim cloths

in that birthing bag for me, please?

Oh, I think you mean muslin.

No, I don't think I do.

Let me just fact check that.

Jack, we need a virgin.

Sorry, I can't find any

good callers.

Zero virgins so far.

Well, I did just overhear

your last conversation.

What? I didn't know

you can listen in on my calls.

Yeah, it sounds like we do

have one, don't we?

Here on the show,

we're joined by Jake

Oh, it's actually

the 20-year-old virgin.

Yep, it's Jake.

Very brave of you to talk to us.

So tell us,

why still the V plates?

Wah-hey-hey, y'all right,

Ball Boy?

[SNIGGERS]

All right, Ball Boy?

[HE SNORTS]

Oh! Guys, gather around a second.

I just had a bit of a

f*cking brainwave.

Right, so, I think we need to do

something new on male mental health.

Yeah? The sad lad shtick.

Smithy's piece about, um,

what was it? Cranking.

You know, crying whilst

you're w*nk*ng over your ex.

Did really well with engagement.

Yeah? Meryl. Mm? What we got?

Uh, yeah, Dodsy wants to write about

the 23 best Wetherspoons in Britain

to be depressed in.

That's perfect.

Yeah, it's just rehashed

old bollocks about, you know,

going down the pub, chatting with

your mates, you know? Anyone else?

Anyone? Anyone?

Go on. Ball Boy, hit me.

Uh, yeah, like we could do a piece

about how it's important

to talk, obviously.

But, you know, we need to help

people know what to say when a mate

does actually open up.

OK. Yeah.

Especially as, you know, wait times

now for talking therapies

are getting longer and longer so

Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

mate, mate, mate,

it's way too deep.

You're k*lling my vibe.

Don't get all political,

do you know what I mean?

Maybe Danny could write about why

the best cure for depression

is a cheeky Nando's.

Bosh. Thank you, Meryl.

It's like you see in me sometimes,

do you know what I mean?

Right, you write that up.

I'm gonna go to the loo.

Hang on. Right.

Ah! Sunday Brunch in there

can go and f*ck himself.

Do you know what,

they're all f*cking idiots.

And don't say, "I told you so."

I wasn't.

Oh, do you know, I am sick of

people just trying to humiliate me.

I'm not taking it anymore.

f*ck it, do you know what,

he is a jumped-up, coked up,

secret posh boy with a website.

Mummy and f*cking Daddy bought him.

He wouldn't know a good idea

if it came spunked in his mouth.

Wow. OK.

For what it's worth,

I say write your pitch,

I'll upload it

and I won't flag it to Eddie.

Really? Yeah.

I'm leaving next month anyway.

f*cking hate it here.

Aye, f*ck him.

Let's do it.

OK. Yeah.

MUSIC: Living For The Weekend

by Hard-Fi

Oh, I've been working all week,

I'm tired

Yeah, I've been working

all week and I'm

Just living for the weekend

Hey, hey

Got some money, I just got paid

Got some money

and I can't wait

I'm just picking today's

show subject

out of this hilarious fez hat.

And it's

exam stress again.

So call in on

VOICE MUFFLED THROUGH GLASS:

0207 496 0333.

Koolio Radio,

what's your issue?

Hi, I'm Greg. I'm just really

struggling to learn equations

for my maths exam.

Oh, OK.

Great.

Well, Greg, I'll, uh, patch

you through to the studio.

And we have our first caller.

So, Greg, tell us, what's up?

Yeah.

Uh, why don't you go

f*ck her right in the p*ssy?

VOICE ECHOES AND SLOWS:

f*ck her right in the p*ssy.

f*ck her right in the p*ssy.

The p*ssy! p*ssy!

p*ssy. p*ssy. p*ssy.

I'm Greg

f*ck her right in the p*ssy.

f*ck her right in the p*ssy.

To be fair,

you wouldn't have known this,

but when that is said on radio,

somebody's got to get sacked.

It's not going to be me.

And it is certainly not

going to be Dr Prateek.

So

How can you get sacked from

an experience?

Hey, congrats. Oh.

Cheers, man. Thanks. Thanks.

Well done, mate. Oh, ta.

What? Jesus.

Oh!

Congrats. Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Ooh-wee. It has done really well.

More comments than anything

all week. Really? Mm-hm.

Although hard to believe, you're

actually not an idiot, Danny King.

Shut up.

I don't know why you two

keep being a couple of secret.

Oh, no We're not a couple. No.

Oi! Ball Boy, Sturgeon, a word.

So, do you think you were clever

going against me?

No. We just realised that all

the content you put out is pure

misogyny rooted in humiliation

masquerading as banter.

In English, please, love.

She means you're sh*t, mate.

Well, charming.

I was about to offer you both

a column.

I actually read the piece, yeah?

I thought it was pretty good.

Please. The only reason you like it

is because it was popular.

We had to undermine you to get

it published.

And that is because you, Eddie,

are a massive c-

Country and western party!

Come on in and drink the bar dry.

Final day of summer,

so half-price cheeky VKs.

Line dancing imminent.

Yee-haw!

Hello, Danny, mate.

How's it going?

Jack, you're half cut.

It's the middle of the day and,

like, you're supposed to be at work.

And,

I've never been more proud of you!

Well, you know what?

f*ck it, mate.

I've just been sacked

from my work experience.

Same.

[THEY CHEER]

Let's go f*cking metal!

f*cking metal!

Like chicken ori-

No! You can't say that anymore, Danny.

What?

No, it's c*ck rhyming slang.

It's not offensive.

It's inclusive, if anything.

This guy.

Right, I'm gonna get a drink.

OK, yeah, will do. Be nice to him.

I will. Have fun.

Love, Tarik. Go, go, go.

Hiya. Hiya.

Wow, you look lovely.

Got you these. Oh.

4.99. Thanks a lot.

No problem.

So, I was thinking we could get

a kebab.

Just, uh, sit in the van, eat it,

and then maybe go bowling.

Hm. Bowling? Yeah.

I am eight-and-a-half-months

pregnant, Tarik.

Well, I'd let you

have the barriers up.

Brilliant.

No, thank you, to bowling.

I will take a kebab.

I'm actually quite a big fan of

having a kebab before a night out.

WHISPERS: Same.

Hello.

Well, you look lovely.

Aw.

I've got you a brandy and coke.

Oh, my favourite.

Calms the nerves.

Yeah.

And I got here early to put

The Clash on the jukebox.

I remember they're your favourite.

Oh, Russell.

Cheers.

If I hadn't, Gary on the bar'd

be playing Il Divo and I can't be

dealing with that sh*t.

Oh, such boring f*ck.

We get it. You're Italian.

They're actually not Italian.

They're a mixed heritage group.

MUSIC: Act I: La Ci Darem la Mano

by Mozart

La ci darem la mano

It'd be the greatest honour

of my life to co-parent with you.

Although I don't actually

know anything about you.

OK, well, I am an Aquarius

with a Capricorn moon.

What about you?

I did the quiz online,

and I'm a Hufflepuff. Right.

What's that, then?

Harry Potter.

Oh, no. I've never seen it.

You've never seen Harry Potter?

No.

If I wanted to see an orphan

with a scar on his face,

I'd go to Luton.

MUSIC: Lifetime

by Romy Madley Croft

You'll be right be

You'll be right be

You'll be right be

You'll be right be

Oh, this is a high that

I can't get from nobody else

You know I'll never let

this feeling go to waste

No, oh, no, no way

This must be a love

from a higher place

Closing my eyes

and I still know the taste

The touch of your skin

when the sun hits your face

And if you're ever lonely

If you can't find the way

You keep looking at me. Do I?

Why haven't you responded

to any of my texts all year?

Well, cos you fancy Yemi.

Everyone fancies Yemi.

No. I fancy both of you.

I chatted you up because

I fancied you.

Really?

Yeah.

NARRATOR: So, after two years at

uni, 17 terrible Grindr hook-ups,

some 500-plus wanks, I said

Do you fancy going somewhere?

[KISSING AND MOANING]

NARRATOR: I was finally about to

lose my virginity.

So, I've worked out our astrological

compatibility. Right.

OK. And it says that we're both

very kind, which is good.

Um, I've got a temper,

which is true.

And you are quite clumsy.

Which

So, we might be good parents.

And what about, um, your family?

Your parents?

Oh, um,

so, my dad died when I was three.

My mum went to Australia

when I was in year seven,

but I can't stand the accent,

so I just stayed here with my nan.

That's nice you're so close.

Hm Ow.

Ow, my tummy hurts.

Well, you have just had two kebabs.

Oh, my God, what's all that juice?

And what did you say?

I said, Well, allegedly, David

Cameron has f*cked a pig." Right?

And she goes, "Don't talk

about women like that."

And I'm like, "No, an actual pig!"

[PHONE RINGS]

Laurie would tell me about mad

chats he'd have in the cab.

How long was he a black cabbie?

27 years.

Yeah.

He sounds like he was a great bloke.

He'd be happy I was on a date,

by the way.

Although not with a minicab driver.

Yeah. Black cabbies

tend to think we're scum.

I'm yet to be convinced you're not.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh.

What?

[SHE BREATHES INTENSELY]

Breathe, Shannon.

You're going to be fine.

We're five minutes

from the hospital.

This is going to be my favourite

delivery yet.

Don't hold my hand! Drive!

NARRATOR: And just as I was about to

f*ck Oscar

You are so predictable.

You got with me in the same

toilet last year.

What? You two got with each other?

Unfortunately. f*ck.

We should all get with each other.

No, thank you, Brokeback Mountain.

Get up.

You left your phone on the table.

Shannon's in labour.

We got to go hospital.

You're drunk.

And I just dropped a pill 20 minutes

ago cos everyone f*cked off.

Do I have to?

I'm kind of in the middle of something.

Oh, f*ck's sake.

Sorry, Oscar.

Where's Danny and Corinne?

MUSIC: I Am Not a Robot

(Clock Opera Remix)

by MARINA and The Diamonds

Never pick up, don't hang up

Our love faded, our love faded

You never pick up anything

You don't ring, ring, rung

Our love faded, our love faded

Never pick up, don't hang up

Our love faded, our love faded

You never pick up,

don't hang up.