02x06 - The Night When

[bunniefuu]

It's the first time Shannon's

ever been early for summat.

Apart from when they opened

TGI Fridays in Watford.

She camped out overnight.

Ooh, their Jack Daniel's sauce.

It's like crack cocaine.

[THEY LAUGH]

I feel like I'm

in the Spice World movie!

You know, when they're rushing

to see their mate give birth,

but they've also got

a gig at the Albert Hall,

and Meatloaf's gone AWOL,

having a sh*t.

It's my favourite piece of cinema.

Mate, I'm, like, thrilled you

introduced me to that, seriously.

Like, Victoria is, like,

really good in it.

You two are so g*y.

PANTING: OK

[THEY ALL WHEEZE]

Don't worry.

She's in the best hands.

I know.

I just

I hate this place.

JACK: When my dad went into a

hospice, we all drove him in.

It was the only bit of the hospital

with free parking.

He was on so much morphine,

only now and then would we get

glimmers of clarity.

I ain't dying in this sh*thole, OK?

He promised that night he would

drive us home in the cab,

unable to quantify he might not.

I'm gonna take us home, son.

I promise.

I promise.

Hey, listen, love

I want to talk about your future.

Let's not, Laurie.

I

don't always feel I have one.

We've got to sort the will

and the house and

funeral plans.

If you meet another bloke Oh

No, no. Sh.

I won't mind. Laurie!

And I just

Make sure he's a good 'un, yeah?

Cos if there is a heaven

I'm cracking right on

with Princess Di.

She wouldn't touch you

with a bargepole. Oh, yeah?

Well, I thought I might have

a chance with Toyah Willcox, then.

I'm really sorry, Laurie.

She's still alive.

Is she?

Oh, that's a shame.

Come here.

Listen

don't worry about the funeral, cos

How many partygoers, or guests,

are we expecting?

I don't know, Shan.

I ain't planning on being there.

Well, will Alan and Shane be there?

Oh, God, I hope not,

cos Shane's now voting BNP.

BOTH: And Alan's a love rat.

Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, even dickheads

want to say their goodbyes.

How are you doing, love?

This is actually quite stressful.

LOUDLY: Hello, Nan.

I'm Tariq. The father.

Please don't talk to me like that.

I'm very glad to be here!

That's not good! No!

Hello, hello! I am Kerry.

And I am Bernie.

Hello, I'm Shannon.

Where's the midwife I know?

Well, you are two weeks early,

and Fatima, she's at her sister's

divorce buffet,

so you are just going to have

to settle for us.

Uh-oh.

A male f*cking midwife.

What f*cking next?

But, look, we are very excited, cos

this is Ker's first birth here.

Very first.

But don't worry, you know,

luck of the Irish and all that sh*t.

But I don't know any Irish people.

Your name is Irish.

What? I thought it was Greek.

It's Greek!

You're joking!

We literally have an airport

named after you, you mad thing.

I f*cking love Shannon Airport.

First-ever duty free!

Here, smell me.

[BERNIE SNIFFS]

Oh, God. What's that.

Fantasy, Britney Spears. 19 euro.

Can ICan I smell it?

Get that nose in there.

[SHANNON SNIFFS]

That is stunning.

Oh, sh*t.

The birthing bag's at mine.

Can you hang about for a bit?

I might have to get it.

Of course.

Oh, thanks, Russell.

Sorry.

Ah

Oh, hi!

He's just a minicab driver.

I've got a minicab here.

Oh.

Why didn't you give him any money, then?

All right, Jonathan Creek.

Come on, Shan needs us.

All right, T? All right?

Yeah. You OK? Yeah.

Um, so, Jack is quite drunk, so we

just need to sober him up a bit.

Oh, OK, love.

Can you get him some coke?

What?

Well, it always straightens me out.

Do you mean Coca-Cola?

Yes, love. OK.

That and a Wispa bar.

He'll be fine. Sure.

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

Hello.

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

[PHONE TRILLS]

Hi. I'm Tariq, the father.

What?

I thought I was the father.

Uh

I'm joking, mate. It's all right.

Good luck to you, pal.

Hi. I'm

Aw

Has that been washed?

Of course it's been washed.

Don't be daft.

I'm here, Shan. Oh.

Oh. You got the birthing bag?

Yeah. Popped in yours en route.

OK.

If there's anything you need.

Oh, I haven't managed to do

my EuroMillions tonight.

So, if you could - 2-4-6-8-10.

Lucky stars - 6 and 9.

Oh.

Ooh, sorry, lads, but there are

way too many people in here.

OK? So, the father can stay, and

WHISPERS: ..one more.

OK

Um

Just one more?

Cheeky b*tch!

For six months, I've fed her,

scraped the hard skin off her feet,

prepped her. Tariq's in the room,

she barely knows him.

Of course she's going to want you

in there

Excuse me, nurse.

Where are the nearest bogs?

Oh. Follow me.

Ooh!

Grindr in hospitals always pops off!

Horny doctors on long shifts.

Overnight patients away

from their wives.

Yemi, you can't have sex

in a hospital.

I've been there, I've done that

and I kept the backless gown.

Jesus Christ.

Hospitals are boring places.

When people are bored,

they need to c*m.

All right, come on, treacle.

Let's get you some munch.

Are you OK?

Remember, the last time we were

here was for

Oh, yeah. No. I'm OK.

Are YOU OK?

The pill hit me very hard. Yeah.

And right now, I just really

want to get some

c*ck mothers,

they are my favourite.

Makes me feel like I am

in Call the Midwife!

Sorry, can I just say, you look

absolutely gorgeous tonight.

Do I? Yeah.

I think it's that

medicated shampoo you're using.

It's really

cleared up your scalp a treat.

I mean, I have to say

Hmm?

I have dreamt of having a baby

with you.

Well, most people have, Ker.

[THEY LAUGH]

OK, look, I have to ask you -

are you a four finger or two?

Depends on how dilated she is.

Oh, I meant in a Kit-Kat.

Hey-oh!

You make me laugh, Ber!

Hey, Dad.

Are you all right, mate?

Yeah.

I think I might need

a tactical chunder.

OK. Well

Oi, Pegs, your minicab driver's

still outside, you know.

sh*t!

I forgot.

Call me if anything happens, yeah?

All right, I reckon we can

leave now.

Oh, give over.

Come on, this is fun.

Oh Look at us.

We're like the three wise men when

Jesus was being born. You know?

I'm bringing

Smints.

Here, Shannon. Yeah?

Shall I play some tunes?

Oh, that's a great idea.

It'll help you relax.

OK.

Um, how about

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird.

But the full 16-minute Lyve from

Steel Town, Pennsylvania version.

OK. Well, that is drastically going

to push event timings over.

I don't care. You're just going

to have to sit through it all.

God. Right, OK.

What about an intro track, then?

Perfect 10 - Beautiful South.

For my Pegs.

I don't know that one.

Yeah, you do.

No, I don't. You do.

I don't!

Oh Eh?

[LAURIE GROANS]

WEAKLY: # Cos we love our love

In different sizes

I love her body

Especially the lies

Argh!

You b*tch!

Oh, Nan, it hurts.

Let it pass.

Breathe Oh, oh, oh!

We could play Breathe!

By Sean Paul,

featuring Blu Cantrell.

Uh, Breathe is BY Blu Cantrell,

feat Sean Paul.

Please do not erase women when

I'm having our baby, Tariq.

f*ck's sake!

MUSIC: Hope There's Someone by

Antony and the Johnsons and ANOHNI

[LAURIE BREATHES HEAVILY]

You all right, lad?

Eh? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yeah? Yeah.

Come here.

The first Christmas after

my old man died,

I was 21.

I got wankered down the pub.

[LAURIE LAUGHS]

I come home on Christmas Day

in a wheelbarrow.

And at the dinner table,

I looked opposite

and there was just this empty plate.

And I was so angry.

But then, as time went on,

you know

grief shifts.

I mean, it don't it don't get any

easier, but

people opposite you

start to have baby teeth.

Or false ones.

Soon enough, you don't just see

the empty plate

but all the full ones.

WHISPERS: I promise you that.

OK?

Hey.

I promise.

Now, you just got to make sure your

mum don't run off with some nutter.

Dad.

You can't say nutter.

It's offensive.

What, you think I give a sh*t?

[THEY LAUGH]

[LAURIE COUGHS]

I'm so sorry about tonight.

No, it's fine. It's just nice to

get out of the house, you know?

I had a really nice time, though.

Same.

We'll do it again, yeah?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Bye.

[MESSAGE SENT ALERTS]

I can't wait for you to have kids.

They're going to be like proper

lads as well, I reckon,

with English accents!

And they'll all just, like,

love Jeremy Clarkson

just to piss you off.

Danny, will you shut up?

All right. Sorry.

Just trying to make convo.

Sorry. I

I need some air.

They say laughter can speed up

a labour.

So, put your hands together

for County Dublin's

very own Kerry McFall!

Hello, everyone!

Is this thing on?

[MIDWIVES LAUGH]

OK, so, what should a joke

have in common with a pregnancy?

I don't know.

A good delivery.

I'm a delivery driver,

so I can really

Sh! Tariq!

Kerry is performing.

What do you call it

when you can't find someone

to help you through your pregnancy?

BOTH: A midwife crisis!

Not you.

Oh, God. Sorry. Just me.

Christ, I need a f*g.

Here, let's let's leave that.

Oh!

Why is this taking so long?

When I was a delivery boy at the

Raj Tandoori, we'd get pregnant

white women ordering vindaloos

they couldn't handle.

I don't eat spicy food.

Dermatologist on This Morning

warned against it.

NAN: Spicy pork?

ECHOING: Spicy pork! Spicy pork!

[VOICES DISTORT]

Spicy pork!

That amount of spicy pork

can't be good for a baby.

Get me five black

Peperami Firesticks right now!

[SHANNON'S SCREAM ECHOES]

You don't have a ciggy

I could pinch, do you?

Oh. Yes

Thanks.

Uh, how is how's Shannon getting

on?

Dragging it out, as always.

Months I've been worried she ain't

ready to have a baby.

And, trust me, if you ain't ready,

then having a baby's a f*cking

stupid thing to do.

Yeah.

Then, at the same time, you never

know if you're ready.

But tonight

I think she is.

I'm not f*cking ready!

Well, your baby is!

My nan's having a f*g

and Tariq's getting spicy pork!

We're going to start pushing

now, Shannon.

Check they aren't out there, then!

Look, love, I

I really ain't

going to be there for it.

I know.

I just, you know, I want to make

Sh

It's OK.

Listen, you don't need me.

I do.

No, you don't need me.

Cos you're a go-getter, girl.

So you go and get them, all right?

You're beautiful.

Oh

OK, so

what would you prefer,

goujons or nuggets?

[SHE STRAINS]

Where are you going?

Where is my nan?

I'm sorry, she's not here!

Pepperami!

Pepperami?

Come on, baby girl!

Are you talking to me or the baby?!

[MIDWIVES LAUGH]

Ow! f*cking hell!

Excuse me, mister.

What's your spiciest Peperami?

For so long, I was gutted that

my dad died here

on the side of an A-road,

like a pheasant or something.

That he never got back home.

You OK, love?

I'm still sad we

weren't here the night he went.

I know.

But Nan was.

Here.

When you have kids, your

worst nightmare is to lose them.

And that night, she

needed to cuddle her little boy.

And even when she's

being a right mare, your nan,

I never begrudge her that.

So it's quite right, really,

that she's with Shan

and I've got you.

I think this will be good.

You know, like a new chapter.

Although, my babe,

I do have something to tell you.

Is it the minicab driver?

What?

Mum, we share an iCal.

What's a f*cking iCal?

When me and Shannon got

you an iPhone for Christmas,

she synced up all our phones

so I can see when her scans were

and I saw a hot date with Russell

in our shared calendar.

I hate having a smartphone.

I feel like a

f*cking phone hacking victim.

Mum, I'm happy if you're happy.

As long as he's not a nonce.

Oh, I hope not. Yeah.

He is a minicab driver.

You never know.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Shan's having the baby.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God!

You just go to sleep, my love.

Go to sleep.

In the dream

I am carried

By sun rays through the dark

Humble as a hope

I bow to thee.

Has the baby come out yet?

Uh, yeah. You came out to your mum

last year, didn't you? Oh.

VOICE-OVER: And after I start

worrying all year

about looking after you,

it was you that night who'd

been looking after all of us.

[MOANING,] [BANGS]

He is horrendous.

Come on.

Peperami!

Oh, my God.

There you go.

Ooh!

I love you, kid.

I love you, Nanny Bingo.

Shan!

You did it!

Thanks, Danny.

I've just had a baby.

Yeah. I know, I was there.

With my ASOS delivery man.

Now I've got all my family

around me.

Do you want to hold, Corinne,

after Tariq?

Might be you one day.

I'm cool.

Yeah. No, I'm good.

Um, right, I'm going

to leave you guys to it.

Corinne, will you just tell me

if something's up?

You've been weird all night.

I just, um

I don't, uh

What? Like

I just Danny, I find all

of this just a little bit sad.

You know, and it just reminds me

that I, um

My, um

My, um

My birth mum didn't want me.

And that is fine

I had Like, I had no idea.

No, it's fine.

It is fine because, you know,

it was her right

and it was her choice

and I completely respect that.

But, you know, my, um,

my birth doesn't have a story.

And, um

If I think about her too much

and, like, what

it was like to give me up

then I just feel a little bit

on my own.

Oh, mate, OK, listen.

So I've learned this year

that family,

like, it eventually just becomes

the people that you choose

and who choose you back.

That's it.

Yeah.

And, like, Jack and Yemi

and even Peggy,

like, they've become mine.

Well, I will always choose you,

Danny King.

And I'll always choose you,

soppy girl.

Mmm, salty!

So, Shan, any names?

Well, if the baby had been a boy,

I was going to call him Lawrence.

However, she my little baby girl.

Yes, you are!

So instead, right,

I'm going to call her Lawrensienna.

So it's kind of got Lawrence

in it, type thing.

Tariq, what's your surname?

Milla.

Ooh.

Lawrensienna Milla.

Lawrensienna Milla Papadopoulou,

thank you, Peggy.

I gave birth to her.

This baby is going to be bullied.

And it was in this room that, for

the first time since my dad died,

everything just felt right.

Like everyone

belonged with each other.

And, yeah, the whole room stank

of sh*t because the baby actually

came out on a

wave of Shannon's turds,

but in this very moment, it felt

like the joy of loving someone new

felt bigger than

the pain of missing someone gone.

MUSIC: Seasons (Waiting on You)

By Future Islands

Seasons change

And I've tried

hard just to soften you

Well, seasons change

But I've grown tired trying

to change for you

Cos I've been waiting on you

I've been waiting on you

Let's go home.

Let's go home.

Cos I've been waiting on you

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

I've been waiting on you

As it breaks

The summer will wake