01x08 - Wilderness Warriors

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[feedback squeals]

- Let's give a shout-out

to our sixth graders

who embark tomorrow

on a P.S. 38 tradition:

The Survival Skills

Camping Trip.

- Oh, I'm so not into this.

Ever since I portrayed

camping victim number three

in that commercial last year,

I've been scared of it.

- Well, in real life,

camping is dope.

- You get to eat s'mores

and wipe with leaves.

- Ugh. I'd rather go

without wiping at all.

- Been there, not good.

- Now, although safety

is our number one priority,

we have had some minor mishaps

over the years.

- I am one with nature

And na--

[yells]

- [whistling]

[screams]

[chainsaw revs]

[all screaming]

- See, we're all gonna die!

- Oh, come on.

What are you worried about,

Dee?

You're an actress.

You love constant rejection,

unhealthy beauty standards,

and most importantly,

putting yourself in wacky

and improbable situations.

- On all accounts,

you're right,

except just as a character.

This is real life.

- So why not act like someone

who's not afraid of camping?

- Don't forget to bring

your signed liability waivers

and remember our motto:

"It's not the school's fault."

[knock at door]

Oh.

- Great Scott.

My jazzercise classes seem

to be having quite the effect.

- It's not you, Fontaine.

My office is infested

with termites

and the school

can't afford an exterminator.

[groans]

[toilet flushes]

Oh, don't forget

to wash your hands, Chad.

- Interestingly enough,

funding for the school

is what I came to discuss.

- Go on.

- Late last night whilst

surfing ham radio frequencies,

I learned of a method for

monetizing the survival trip.

We'll need to be discrete.

- Tell me. Oh, please tell me.

- The elegant egg of this

extra-large eagle

is of extreme value.

All we must do is look

for the tallest pine tree and--

[both yell]

Ow, my sciatica!

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Ugh. Need your John Hancock.

- Hmm?

The Survival Skills Trip!

That experience made me

the confident,

assertive person I am today.

[farts]

Yes, that was me.

Anyway, Ellen, tell him.

- Oh, same here.

Yeah, it was a big, big deal.

Total game changer.

- You guys, come on.

It's just a camping trip.

- To the inexperienced

tenderfoot, yes.

But for us greats--

you see, when I went

on the trip,

I won the

Wilderness Warrior Award.

It was the second proudest day

of my life.

Eclipsed only by the day that

Ellen won the award herself.

- Wait, there's an award?

What do you get?

- Oh, let's see. Is it here?

No. Hmm.

[gasps]

Behold middle school greatness.

- Great. A piece of paper.

- Oh, it's so much

more than paper.

It's proof you're

the strongest, fiercest,

and most awesome kid

in the grade.

[dramatic fanfare]

- Oh, yeah. I'm awesome.

Gonna prove that I'm awesome.

- Or, you'll blow it

and forever

be known as the family loser.

Oh, wait, I'm sorry,

you already are.

- I'll have--

- This is the tent that I used,

your sister used,

and now you'll use.

She's our lucky charm,

but a tent.

- Ugh, smells like

a dead skunk.

- Oh, nonsense.

[person screams]

- Whoa, Principal Nichols.

Where did you learn

to drive a bus?

- Ah, the classroom

of life, my boy.

Why pay for a so-called

"safe and professional driver"

when I can do the job myself?

You got the map?

We're gonna find that eagle egg

and make a fortune

for the school.

Huh? What is that?

- Brace for impact.

[loud thunk]

Dee Dee? What the who's it now?

- Dee Dee? I'm afraid

you're mistaken, good sir.

I'm famous and fearless

explorer Amelia Earhart.

- Amelia Earhart didn't make it

home alive.

I suggest you place your fanny

in a seat, young lady.

- [grunts, laughs]

- Keep this list of approved

wilderness activities handy.

I'll be watching you

at all times.

And remember, I have eyes

in the back of my head.

- All the better

to watch me win.

- What are you

talking about, bruh?

- Yeah, it's a trip.

Not a contest.

- Major advantage alert.

I'm the only one

who knows about the award.

That means I got

this competition in the bag.

[horn honks]

[upbeat music]

[dog barking]

- Smell it, kids?

You smell that? That's nature.

You will be divided

into two groups.

Ladies, follow me.

- Wait, what?

Why do we have to have

different groups

for boys and girls?

I mean, why can't we just camp

with our friends?

- Aren't we all friends here,

Ms. Holloway?

[girls giggling]

- Um

sorry, I meant, yay,

girl power.

[lively guitar music]

- Hello, Nate.

You're needing a foot?

- It's hand, actually.

And no, all good.

- Hey, h*, lucky us.

It is instruction

for to build this tent.

- Pfft, I come from a long line

of Wilderness Warriors.

We Wrights, nah,

we don't need inst--

[grunts]

- The tent of Nate is fly away.

- Huh?

This is the perfect excuse

to ditch the kids

and find that egg.

- But aren't we responsible

for these students?

Just kidding.

Let's get outta here.

- Don't worry, son.

We're on it.

- Wait. No, no, no, no.

I don't need help.

I'll go find it myself.

- Sorry, buddy,

for legal reasons,

we can't allow you kids

to leave camp without an adult.

See ya.

- Hmm. Minor setback.

That award is still mine

for the taking.

I mean, come on,

look at my competition.

- [yelling]

- Well, how are you today,

little buddy?

Oh!

[laughing]

Oh, that tickles!

- Wilderness Warrior

domination, imminent.

- All right, very good.

These tents look good.

Ms. Holloway, can we

pick up the pace, please?

- Yes, we can!

Get it? I'm Rosie the Riveter.

You know, Rosie the Riveter,

the iconic woman behind--

- Mother nature doesn't

give points for whimsy.

- We finished our tents,

Mrs. Godfrey.

May we please go exploring?

- By all means, my little

eager beaverlette.

- Wait up, you guys!

- [growling]

- Hmm.

[dramatic music]

both:

The tallest pine tree.

- Oh yeah. Come to Papa.

[both laugh]

- [gasps]

[eagle caws]

both: Ahh!

- Okay, let's see.

Find a safe water source.

- Oh, wow, a river!

- Let the record show I found

the safe water source first.

- Dude, who cares?

It's not homework.

When will you learn that

things only matter

when you're being graded?

- Well, I'm gonna celebrate

by having a nice, cool drink.

[muffled scream]

- You guys wanna slow down?

You know, take in the scenery?

- You wanna ditch the giant bag

so you can keep up?

- Sophia Danenberg always

wore a large camping pack

on her treks.

- Yes, she did.

Whoo, I love her.

Who is she?

- Danenberg

was the first Black woman

to summit Mount Everest.

- Right on.

Mad respect, Sophia.

Mad respect.

- Yeah. She's a--

[yelling]

- We have to each find

a unique rock.

I think all rocks are unique

if you feed 'em right.

- Whoa, I think I found

myself a winner.

This is the best-looking rock

out here.

- Dude!

- [yelling]

They're stinging my eyes!

Oh, the humanity!

[yells]

[owl hooting]

[soft guitar music]

- Is that raw hamburger meat?

- Yeah, of course.

A real Wilderness Warrior

doesn't need

to cook their meat.

- Well, I'm gonna go ahead

and make myself some s'mores.

It's the first step on the

magical journey called puberty.

- I always thought the first

step of puberty was BO.

- Great, my mom forgot

my salt lick.

- I've got extra hummus

and crudité. Want some?

- Hmm.

Take that, you hipster food!

Ah! Mrs. Godfrey.

Wait, how did you get here?

- I've always been here.

Well, I trust you

all remembered your dinners.

That wasn't a question,

you little miscreants.

- What did you bring,

Mrs. Godfrey?

- [chuckles]

Years of experience k*lling

things more defenseless than I.

Nature provides for

seasoned campers like myself.

- Ya-ha-hoo!

- Huh, nature provides?

[curious music]

Huh. Hmm.

[laughs]

- Where are your chaperones?

- The tent of Nate

flew to the sky,

and they are to be

looking for it.

- What?

Nate Wright caused problems?

Shocking.

Get cooking

and don't leave camp.

There are things in the woods,

and by things,

I mean me, Godfrey.

Ooh, I've got something.

I've got something. Come on.

- Psst.

Hey, come with me, Chad.

I have an even better dinner

plan in store for us.

- [as Julia Child]

The key to this succulent salad

is the tomato we will use

for garnish

And voilà!

I'm Julia Child.

Thank you for watching.

Dinner is served.

- We're done eating, so

- You ate without me?

- You were too busy doing

your Julie the Child thing.

- Oh, well.

I'm more excited about our next

activity anyway, camp songs.

- You know,

I've had worse meals.

It tastes like chicken

and belt.

Want some?

[eagle caws]

- We weren't supposed

to leave camp.

This feels like

we're leaving camp.

I wish I had

my tracking collar.

- Would you pull it together,

Chad?

Everything's gonna be fine.

Know why?

Because I've got meat

in my pants.

- Oh, is that the style

these days?

Keeping up with fashion

is so hard.

- [stammers]

Focus, Chad.

You and I are gonna use my meat

pants to bag us a beast.

- And then s'mores?

all: There was an old man

who gobbled a clam

Why, oh, why did he

gobble that clam

That clam had a fam--

- [yells]

I'm just a poor

innocent clam.

Why?

Sorry, just wanted

to experience the song

from the clam's perspective.

- Could you not?

- Seriously, the Dee Dee Show

is getting old.

- Why?

What's wrong with Dee Dee?

all: Nothing.

- That's the point.

We wanna hang out with you,

not all these rando characters.

- Yeah.

Can you just like be chill?

- I'm chill.

I can totally be chill.

[indistinct chatter]

[somber music]

[suspenseful music]

- Wait, won't this make

the big beast come to me?

- Exactly.

And when he tries

to attack you,

I'll go at him from behind.

[chuckles]

He'll never see me coming.

Genius.

- Oh, yeah,

I'm not sure about this plan.

- Come on, Chad.

Have any of my wild

and impulsive schemes

ever put you in danger before?

- [yelling]

[heavy metal music]

- Nope. In fact,

I have the scars to prove it.

[cat meows]

- [laughs] Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that one.

But great!

So no matter what happens,

just remember

it's all part of the plan.

Trust the plan. Got it?

- Got it.

[suspenseful music]

- [stammers]

Chad, don't turn around.

- Okay.

[bear growling]

- It's possible my plan

may need work.

[chuckles]

[bear roars]

[screaming]

- Ah, narcolepsy

is always so rough.

Oh, should I do something?

I feel like

I should do something.

No, Chad, no.

Nate said trust the plan.

[peaceful music]

[bird chirping]

[loud metallic clanging]

[angry chirping]

- Rise and shine, gentleman!

The day awaits.

- [groans]

- Where is Nate Wright?

- We didn't leave camp.

He's not trying

to take out a bear.

Maybe he's pooping?

- Galvin! Nichols!

Get those hernia trusses

on pronto, it's morning.

- [laughs]

Is funny because you think

they are there,

but actually, they are go

to finding Nate's tent.

- Unbelievable.

You walking blackheads

stay put.

- Okay, seriously, dude,

where's Nate?

[mysterious music]

- Tell no one. Trust the plan.

- Did anyone else just hear

that music right there?

[bear roaring]

- [sobbing]

So this is it. This is the end.

I promise if I make

it outta here alive,

I'll never get detention again.

I'll even be nice

to Mrs. Godfrey.

And then I'll--

hey, you know what?

Just get me out of this mess,

and then we'll discuss terms.

[bear roars]

- Nichols! Galvin! Nate!

Have you fallen

into a sinkhole?

Reveal your coordinates pronto.

- Clara, up here!

- Well, well.

Attempted eagle egg theft, huh?

[both chuckling]

Put the egg back, Wesley.

[eagle caws, screeches]

[both yelp]

- I just wanna go home!

[solemn music]

- Ugh.

When all

your magnificent personas

have been cast aside,

what's left?

If you can't be somebody else,

then who are you,

Dee Dee Holloway?

[music swells]

[inhales deeply]

I--

- Help!

- Do I hear?

Was that the sweet sound

of drama?

Reveal yourself,

oh, panicked prisoner!

- [squawking]

- [squawking angrily]

- [screeches]

[tense music]

- Oh, that was truly

remarkable, Clara.

Where did you learn

how to speak eagle?

- Volunteer

park ranger training.

Resist and protect.

- I didn't know

you were a ranger.

Guess it's our lucky day.

- [laughing]

Yes, yes, yes.

Also no!

Attempting to steal

an endangered eagle egg

is a federal offense

with a $100,000 minimum fine.

- Oh no, not another bill.

- But Clara, we don't have

that kind of money.

The only reason we tried

to steal the egg

in the first place

was to raise meager funds

for the school.

- I'm sorry, but I must uphold

the park ranger's

oath of conduct.

- Surely there's

something we could do.

Some deal we could strike

to make this disappear.

- [sobbing]

Oh, please! We'll do anything.

- Anything? Okay.

But it's gonna cost you.

[laughing]

- [screaming]

- Yoo-hoo!

Whose yonder weeping do I hear?

Ye, distressed one,

reveal yourself!

- Dee Dee! Is that you?

Save me.

- Ack, Nate, are you

in the cave?

'Cause there's

a giant bear outside.

- Ah, yeah. Thanks. I noticed.

Do something.

[bear growling]

- Why didn't I research

notable female bear wranglers?

What do I do? Who can I be?

[suspenseful music]

[gasps]

[yelling]

[screaming]

[hopeful music]

Whoa.

[laughs]

Wait, did I just

freak out a bear?

Okay. Okay.

What's wrong, furball?

Am I not chill enough for you?

Well, well, if you want chill,

you've got the wrong kid!

Pas de bourrée!

Kick ball change.

Exit stage left!

[gasps]

[laughs]

I did it.

I took a bear out by myself,

and I did it as myself!

Dee Dee!

The girl who was afraid

of camping!

- Thank you.

That was truly awesome.

Please don't tell anyone

about this.

- Are you kidding me?

This is gonna be chapter one

of my memoir.

- [groans]

- Ah, okay. You were right.

Camping's dope.

Wanna do a friend

camping trip sometime?

Maybe our parents can take us.

- Claro-que-see-you-there.

- Can I come?

- I wanna come.

- Sure. We're all friends here.

- [groans]

[feedback squeals]

- For demonstrating the barest

minimum level of confidence,

your Wilderness Warrior Award.

- I won? I won! Booyah!

The Wrights continue

to dominate.

Just call me the most

awesome kid in the class.

- Oh, for goodness sake, Nate.

Please just take one

and pass the rest back.

- Uh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Everyone gets one

just for participating?

Seriously?

- Oh, look at this.

It says I participated!

[feedback squeals]

- [clears throat]

Our real Wilderness Warrior

is Clara Godfrey,

and that's why I'm honored

to grant her tenure.

Now she can never be fired

from P.S. 38.

Let's give her a round

of applause, shall we, kids?

[laughs]

Clara, okay.

- That's great news.

- Great.

- This is really great

for our future.

- And to think this all started

when Nate Wright failed

to stake down his tent.

Thank you, Nate.

- [growls]

- Oh, look who survived.

#bummed.

- You guys totally punked me.

Everybody gets

a Wilderness Warrior Award.

You don't have to

do anything for it.

- I know.

- [growling]

Dad! Da--

- Stifle it, doofus.

Obviously, it's a bogus award,

but dad doesn't know that.

Maybe he remembers it wrong

or I don't know,

maybe he's, like, senile,

but he's convinced

that he was some sort of

big winner back then, okay?

So just shut your mouth

and let him keep believing

that we are the uber campers

that he thinks he is.

- Hey, champ,

how'd the trip go?

- Did you bring home anything

for the trophy cubby?

And if you say no, that's okay.

I'll just hide

my disappointment

behind a wall of junk food

and knock-knock jokes.

- Yeah.

Well, it turns out that--

[hopeful music]

It turns out

that I'm a Wilderness Warrior

just like you guys.

Whoop-a-cha!

- [laughing, stammering]

I wanted this.

I wanted this bad for you!

Oh, my baby boy.

Let me unbutton my pants

and sit down to hear

all about it.

[groans]

This is amazing.

- Yeah, yeah, everybody

freaked out except me.

So I had to protect

my less awesome classmates--

and weapons of tree bark

and trail mix.

And then

- [caws]

- I've got a tent

and no money for rent

But I know where to go

Camping, camping

I'll eat with my hands,

shovel beans from some cans

Wipe my bottom with leaves

Camping, camping

I run out of meat

or no fire for heat

Gonna eat my best friend

Camping, camping

Saw a lizard today

drinking café au lait

Am I losing my mind?

Camping, camping

Camping, no camping,

yes camping, why camping

Maybe some glamping

but isn't that camping?