02x13 - The Tween's Gambit

[bunniefuu]

- P.S. 38's annual

sixth grade sleepover

is just days away,

and when we heard a rumor

that there was a shrine

under the bleachers

that hid a pretty awesome

sleepover tradition,

we just had to check it out.

Look at this, guys!

- It's a history of

the Jefferson Knight

getting punked!

- This is incredible.

- Oh, wow!

- No way!

- Whoa, this one's gnarly.

"Buck Applewhite,

class of '57."

That's my brother!

- You have a brother who's more

than 60 years older than you?

- Well, when you say it

like that, it sounds all weird.

- Would you guys focus?

Are you seeing all of these?

We have got to get our photo

up there.

- I don't know, Nate.

Principal Nichols is

chaperoning the sleepover.

- Oh, please.

As long as Principal Nichols is

chaperoning,

that night is

as good as pranked.

- I can no longer chaperone

the sixth grade sleepover.

Sorry, kids.

- [screams]

- Looks like we'll have to

cancel the sleepover!

Cancel the sleepover!

Cancel the sleepover!

- Of course Randy Butt-eancourt

wanted the sleepover cancelled

since it required having fun

with friends,

and all he was

was a fun crusher!

- [clears throat]

Now, now, the sleepover

will go on as scheduled.

Your new chaperone

will make sure of that.

Speaking of which,

where is Mrs. Godfrey?

[loud thudding]

[students gasp]

- Godfrey!

[roars]

[kids screaming]

[upbeat music]

- Don't want to go

to school today

The sun is red hot

and I wanna play

But if I get caught

they'll make me pay

Detention again

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Math and social studies

just ain't my thing

- Big Nate, Big Nate

- Rocking with my band

is where I'm king

Stealing the teacher's teeth

or bailing on a test

- Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh,

ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Big Nate

[loud clang]

[loud crash]

- Godfrey, a chaperone?

Ugh, talk about

a skunk at the picnic.

- Ah, just my luck.

Godfrey's gonna be on me

worse than she was

for National Good Behavior Day.

- Over before it even started.

- What? You're not gonna let

a little hiccup

like Godfrey get in your way,

are you, Nate?

- Hmm.

[ticking]

[ding]

That's it!

Cats.

- [meows]

- Did you say cats?

- Cats.

- [yowls]

- Cats?

- Cats.

- [snarls]

- But why--

- Cats!

- [grumbles]

- Cats!

- [puking]

- We lure Godfrey's cats

into school

with 50 pounds of rotten fish.

[snickers]

Once they're in the building,

we lure them to the gym.

A few protein smoothies,

a few reps with free weights,

and we turn 'em into world

class feline bodybuilders.

And then they carry

Godfrey home.

Boom, problem solved.

- Nothing about that

makes sense.

Why would the cats carry her?

- Because cats can do some

pretty remarkable things,

Francis.

Or haven't you heard of

a little thing called

Stonehenge?

[cats meowing]

- No offense, Nate,

but I've got an idea

that's actually possible

to execute.

[keys jingling]

Special--

[clears throats]

I, uh, got

a special delivery here.

- What's this falderol?

"Don't leave us, mommy.

Don't go to the sleepover.

We can't stand even

one night alone."

[gasps] My babies!

I'm coming,

Mr. and Mrs. Meowgi!

[machine whirring]

- Hey!

- [screaming]

- Class dismissed.

[expl*si*n]

So now we just need to find

the school's biggest pushover.

- [exhales deeply]

Nothing like

a smooth number two.

Oh, gee, thanks, kids.

This is probably

way more fiber than I need,

but well, it's very generous.

[sniffles]

You guys are the best.

- Oh, hey, it's no problem,

Mr. Rosa.

Oh, and hey,

congrats on the nomination.

- [sobbing]

See you later, kids.

Wait, nomination? For what?

- Oh, the coolest teacher

in school award, obviously.

- I'm new here and

even I know about it.

It's like kind of huge.

- Mm-hmm.

And word on the street is

you're pegged

to win it this year.

- Me? The coolest?

[chuckles]

I don't know about that.

- And we're all probably

gonna vote for you.

- Well, all right then.

Wait, did you say probably?

- You've got our votes,

of course,

but, well, a lot of kids are

waiting to see

who takes the open

chaperone position.

- Holy pie fingers!

You think if I put myself

up for the sleepover gig,

kids will think

I'm even cooler?

- Think so, Mr. Rosa?

[chuckles]

We know.

- I don't know, Ken.

You know why I put Clara

in the chaperone role.

- Oh, yes, I am very aware of

her authoritative forearms.

- These sleepovers are

a huge responsibility.

Every year, one of our little

sixth grade troublemakers

tries to deface

the Jefferson mascot.

They need to know

their chaperone means business.

- Well, I might not

look like it,

but having a house full of

my own little rascals

has made me

quite the disciplinarian.

Open up for the airplane.

- [baby wails]

- [screams]

Ah, yep.

- Oy vey.

The job's yours, Ken.

- [grunts]

I won't have any problems.

You're talking to Cool Guy Ken.

[whale noises]

- All right, guys,

things are about to get

totally out of control.

Time to put Operation:

Overwhelm Rosa into motion.

all: Let's do it!

- [humming]

[tense music]

- [snickering]

- [growls]

- [gasps] Oh, no!

Were you gonna sleep there,

Nate?

Sowwy!

[laughs]

- Ugh, ignore him.

He didn't even want to have

the sleepover to begin with.

- Ah, it's cool.

I got way more mud

on the other side.

- Hellooo, sixth graders!

And welcome, one and all,

to the annual sleepover!

[kids cheering]

Now who is ready for

some F-U-N, fun?

- I am!

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

It's time to get

our felting on.

That's right.

We are going to learn

how to make endangered animals

out of felt.

- Hey, uh, Mr. Rosa,

that's cool.

But what about

something cooler?

Like a Water Balloon

Slippity Funhouse.

[kids cheering]

- Water Balloon Slippity

Funhouse?

[chuckles]

Sounds kind of--

I don't know--dangerous?

- Trust us, it's very cool.

- It's OK, guys.

Maybe one of our other teachers

will play it with us

at recess sometime.

- What? Other teachers?

Oh, no, no.

- Coolest teach!

- OK! [chuckles]

We play Water Balloon Slippity

Funhouse for a few minutes

and then we get back

to felting.

I have a wonderful pattern

for an extinct tropical fish

called "Ancho-hah"

I can't wait to show you.

- Coolest Ancho-hah!

- Sure, OK, that's good,

Mr. Rosa, whatever you say.

We'll get back to felting

after Operation: Burn Out Rosa.

- So everything is

average nowadays

Everything is

average nowadays

Everyone would do it

if they can

- Yow!

- And everything is

going down the pan

And everyone is

following the craze

And everything is average

Now you say

it's getting better

But I don't really

see the signs

- I got 100 pizzas for

first name Pun--

- Let me see that.

Is there

a "Pun Gent Jock Strap" here?

[loudly]

Can someone check the restroom

for a "Pun Gent Jock Strap"?

[laughter]

Oh, dear.

I see what's happened.

The name is a joke.

And I said--

oh, heh, joke's on Rosa!

Joke's on Rosa!

[laughs]

- We'll just do

something else

Oh, everything is average

nowadays

Everything is average

nowadays

And everyone would do it

if they can

And everything is

going down the pan

And everyone is

following the craze

And everything is

average nowadays

- Who wants more malt ba*ls?

- The plan was

working perfectly.

Time to enter Phase 2.

- [screaming]

- Was that Randy?

[laughter]

- What? No, no.

That wasn't me. Shut up.

- OK. OK.

Everybody, settle down.

- I bet it was

Natey "Wah Wah Baby" Wright.

He's all scaredy-waredy

without his blankey-wankey.

- Yeah, OK.

Nice one, Rand-Sauce.

- Rad-Sauce!

- OK! Everyone stay put.

I have to find the power grid.

Don't panic!

- [laughs]

Exit's clear.

- There's like a million wires

in here.

- Mr. Rosa's busy.

- Does this go here?

[screams]

- Francis, Chad,

you've got

your marching orders.

- We're on Rosa duty.

Radio from Jefferson

with any issues.

Oh, and I almost forgot.

You all need these.

- And these are for?

- You'll know

when the time comes.

- And remember, guys,

nothing is impossible,

except flying,

and breathing underwater,

and growing fruit

out of your belly button.

- [shrieks]

- [chuckles]

[dramatic music]

- Where you going, turdlers?

- Ah! Better keep

your lips sealed, Randy.

- Who, me?

The guy who was wrongfully

accused

of screaming like a baby?

That's gonna be

a no for me, dog.

- Oh, fine.

Two days' lunch money.

Then will you pretend

you never saw us?

- Uh, no.

You can't buy my silence

with your tater tot money,

butt nugget.

I'm gonna tag along with

you losers.

See what kind of stupid stuff

you get into.

- As if we'd let you

come with us. You hate us.

- Fine. Go ahead. Mr. Ro--

[screams]

- Listen here.

You mess this up for us,

I swear on Chad's 70-year-old

brother

Buck Applewhite's life--

- It's cool, bro.

Worst case scenario,

we've got a fall guy.

- [snickers]

- OK, team, Jefferson's

security perimeter was

designed by the former White

House Secretary of Defense.

All we have to do is

infiltrate enemy territory.

[sneaky spy music]

- [screams]

[loud crunch]

[doors clang]

Get past the retinal scanners,

security cameras,

and the dogs.

[dogs snoring]

- Hey, are you mutts hungry?

Here, chew on this for a while.

- [grunts]

[dogs growling]

[barking]

- [laughs]

- Wah!

[dogs yelp]

- [burps loudly]

[kids groan]

- Next step, taking away

Jefferson's eye in the sky.

- I can't quite reach

the security camera.

- Randy, a little help?

- Sorry, I'm super busy

scratching my butt right now.

- Randy, for once in your life,

make yourself useful!

- I'm always useful, nerdling!

[rattling, screaming]

- That's what

I'm talking about.

- [snoring]

- Only one obstacle remains:

Jefferson's wealth-detecting

retinal scanner.

- Humans detected.

- Hmm.

- [clears throat]

- [chuckles]

- Wealth detected.

Welcome to Jefferson.

- Francis, you copy? We're in.

What's your status on Mr. Rosa?

- Uh

- Grams says my night terrors

sometimes give her

night terrors,

especially after I have sugar.

And do you floss? Does it hurt?

And what's your favorite

kind of sock?

- [groans]

- Uh, I think we'll be good

for a while.

- Good, because we made it.

There it is, in all

its stupid, pretentious glory,

The Jefferson Knight!

Time to make history.

[goofy music]

- My old bones hurt!

[laughter]

Have you seen my old pill?

- [chuckles]

Perfect.

- Oh, so handsome!

- Ha ha!

The Jefferson Geriatric Knight.

[laughter]

- OK, you misfits.

Let's take this picture

and get out of here.

That's gonna be epic.

- Snore! Boring!

Hurry up, losers.

- Come on.

You want to get in on this

or what, Rad-Sauce?

- Yeah. As much as Nate

would hate to say it,

there's enough glory

to go around.

- Ugh, fine.

Don't get all mushy-gushy

about it, though.

I want to be alone

in my picture,

not with you boneheads.

- Hey!

- [laughs]

You look stupid.

[metal clangs]

[screams]

- Alert. Alert.

Trespassers in

Knight's corridor.

- Nate! What did you do?

- Me? What did you do?

- [screams]

- [whistling]

Oh, not again.

- What's happening?

- I don't know.

This didn't show up in

my recon. We gotta move!

[metal clanging]

- [panting]

Intruders identified.

- Aw, cute robot dog.

[dramatic music]

- [roars]

- [gasps] Seriously?

[all shout]

[kids yelling]

- [panting]

- Nate! What do we do?

- [shrieks]

I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

- Uh, OK, um, no pressure,

but we need a plan, like, now!

- O--OK, I got it!

We get out of here the same way

we got out of P.S. 38:

under cover of darkness.

Teddy, uh, can you find

the power lever?

- You mean this?

- Wow.

It was literally right there.

OK. Uh, once you pull it,

we have to feel

our way out of here

through pitch-black darkness.

- No!

- Uh, what do you mean "no"?

- I mean no, dipwad.

That won't work.

Come up with another plan.

- Uh, I gotta interject here.

That's, uh--that's actually

a really good plan, Randy.

So OK, go ahead, Teddy.

Pull it.

- I said no!

Leave the lights on.

- But why?

- Because

Randy's afraid of the dark.

- You--pfft--you are?

- Yes! OK, Nate?

Wanna laugh at me some more?

What about you guys?

Wanna make fun of me

in front of the whole grade?

It's why I had to

get out of P.S. 38,

and it's why

I want to figure out

another way out of here, OK?

- You know,

I used to make my mom

refill my monster-away spray

before tucking me into bed.

I still have it

in my nightstand.

- I make my dad

wear a headlamp

when he takes the trash out

at night.

It's so I know

he's coming back.

- Yeah, you know, I line

my windows with mosquito tape

to ward off the trolls.

[shudders]

- Hmph!

- And everyone knows about

Nate's irrational fear of cats.

- It's not irrational!

Cats are evil,

they were spawned by demons,

and they're secretly plotting

to take over the human race.

OK, look, Randy, the point is,

nobody cares

if you're scared of the dark.

We've all got something

that freaks us out.

- Intruders detected.

- Like robo-dog janitors!

Francis, we need backup, now!

- [chuckles weakly]

Oh, sweet bed, here I come.

[sighs]

- [heavy breathing]

[in deep mechanical voice]

Mr. Rosa?

- Ah! Space invaders!

- Huh?

- Hmm?

- It's me, Francis.

We've got a problem.

- [gasps]

[Savage Garden's "I Want You"]

[kids panting]

- [snarls]

[beeping]

- Anytime I need to see your

face, I just close my eyes

And I am taken to the place

where your crystal eyes

And magenta feelings

take up shelter

In the base of my spine

Sweet like

a chic-a-cherry cola

I don't need to try

to explain

I just hold on tight

[all screaming]

To the arms and the lips

and the face

Of the human cannonball

That I need to, I want to

- I hope you're right

about these marshmallows.

- Breathe in and

get a bit higher

- Ha ha.

- [snarls]

[all gasp]

- Oh, I want you

- [panting]

OK, I think we're safe.

- Would you look at that?

My heart is still in my chest.

- Um, guys?

- [sighs]

Robot dude's right behind us,

isn't he?

- [growling]

[all screaming]

[both panting]

- How could I have let

this happen?

Oh, what if Principal Nichols

finds out I lost four kids?

- Uh, five, actually.

[thuds, grunts]

- [groans loudly]

Oh, no. Not again!

[slobbers, howls]

[groaning]

- Uh, Mr. Rosa? You cool?

- [gasps deeply]

[in deep voice]

My students are in danger.

[grunts]

So no, I am not cool!

[frantic screaming]

[grunting]

[shouting]

[dogs whimper]

[dramatic music]

- Oh, yeesh!

OK, guys, we can all admit

that we're terrified

of this, right?

All in favor of

throwing in the towel?

all: Gasp!

- Go for it.

- Raise that flag, Nate.

- [gasps]

- [grumbles, snorts]

[kids screaming]

- Stop right there!

[flailing shouts]

- [grumbles]

[beeping]

[Kasabian's "Club Foot"]

- One, take control of me

- Mr. Rosa?

- You're messing with

the enemy

Said it's two,

it's another trick

Messin' with my mind,

I wake up

- Don't mess with my students!

[screaming]

[all gasp]

- It's taken all these days

to find ya

I'll tell you I want you

- [yells]

- I tell you I need you

- [shouts]

[beeping]

- Stalking 'cross

the gallery

[metallic clangs]

[splat]

[balloon deflating noise]

Oh, sorry.

May have taken things

a little too far.

- All good, teach.

For a minute there,

we were sure that thing was

gonna mow us down for good!

- Yeah, you just flat-out

saved our lives!

- You know, you may have let

the whole sixth grade

take advantage of you

and completely lost track of

five kids

who almost got burned to a

crisp by a robotic dog janitor,

but I gotta say,

what you just did for us

right now,

well, that was pretty cool.

- Thanks, Nate. I think.

There never was a Coolest

Teacher Award, was there?

- Nope!

[kids snoring]

[serene music]

- [sighs]

- And so, there I was,

fighting off a g*ng of

vicious Rottweilers.

It was man versus beast,

but I took care of those fools

like it was nothing.

- Oh, yeah, Randy! You rock!

- Then I deactivated

the security cameras

and snuck inside Jefferson

to do my thang

to that stupid knight in

shining armor, all alone,

when Nate "Scaredy Cat" Wright

was too much of a baby

to even try.

[students cheering]

And check this out.

- Ooh, yeah, Randy!

- [groans]

Unbelievable.

- Yeah.

But here comes some karma.

- Randy Betancourt!

Detention!

- [meows]

- [sobs]

Wait, wait! It wasn't just me.

Nate was there!

It was all Nate's fault!

- Yeah, yeah.

Tell it to the jury,

you little pustule.

[cool suave music]

[cool suave music]