01x06 - An Army of One

[bunniefuu]

[Ace] And all finished!

Tomorrow is the unbirthday party,
so don't be late.

Time for me to get this dumb collar off
once and for all.

Just you wait, house warden.

[gasps] Trey. Cater.

Please. Help us. It's too much.

I am truly baffled
by the audacity of these fools.

What do they take the rules for?

[grunts]

-[insects chirping]
-[owl hooting]

[Grim snoring]

[♪ Ethereal music playing]

-[magic chiming]
-[water flowing]

What's this? For painting my roses red,

someone will lose his head!

[Three of Clubs] Oh, no, Your Majesty,
please! It's all his fault!

[Two of Clubs]
Not me, your Grace! The Ace!

[Ace of Clubs] No, the Two!

That's enough!

[echoing] Off with their heads!

-[♪ Music ends]
-[gasps]

-[Grim snoring]
-[sighs]

Oh, I couldn't possibly
take another bite of tuna.

[snoring continues]

[Yuken] Another weird dream.

And the party's today.
I hope that's not a bad sign.

[♪ Theme song playing]

AN ARMY OF ONE

[birds chirping]

[yawns] So sleepy.

That said, I'm pretty stoked
to hand over this tart, apologize,

and get this dumb thing off of me.

-[Cater copies] Good morning!
-[all] Huh?

[Yuken, Grim, Deuce, Ace shout]

[copy 1] Hey! Cutting it kinda close,
don't you think?

-[copies chattering]
-We had to start setting up without you.

I forgot about your signature spell.

Yeah, that really freaked me out.

Aw, we're just giving you a cheerful
welcome for your first unbirthday party.

How'd you get your formal wear?

Hand-delivered from his room
by yours truly.

Yeah, it had to be.
Since someone won't let me in.

[copy 2] Oh, right.

Yeah, that's a snazzy outfit!

Obviously you've got dress to the 99s
for a party like this!

-And that means you, too, Grimmy.
-[staff chimes]

Whoa! [laughs]

Man, I look adorable!

[copy 2] And you've got the tart!
[scoffs] I was afraid you might forget.

Okey dokey. Come on.

[all] On behalf of Heartslabyul House…

Welcome!
To our very merry unbirthday party!

-[students chattering]
-[tableware clinking]

[gasps]

Oh, wow. Everything looks so fancy.

Uh…
Awful lot of dudes collared-up in here.

We had a situation.

Huh…

[trumpets playing fanfare]

Please welcome our leader,
the red sovereign himself…

Our house warden Riddle Rosehearts!

[♪ Regal music playing]

Impressive.

Hmm…

Good. The rosebushes are red.
The tablecloths are white.

A very well-ex*cuted unbirthday.

And the dormouse.
Asleep in the teapot, I presume?

[Trey] Of course.

We've also prepared a jam to spread on
its nose, should that become necessary.

[Riddle] Excellent.

Now, let us make a toast
before we begin the croquet tournament.

Does everyone have a teacup?

Ahem. On this most inauspicious day,
a merry unbirthday.

To you!

[all] Merry unbirthday!

[students chattering]

Yum!

[munching loudly]

[♪ Music continues]

Hey, king, I think now's your best chance.

Okay.

Uh, Housewarden.

Hmm?

I wanted to apologize for eating
a slice of that strawberry tart,

so Trey helped me bake
a whole new one just for you.

Hmm… What kind of tart did you make?

I was hoping you'd ask me that question.

We wanted to indulge your latest craving,
so… it's a chestnut tart!

-[gasps]
-[♪ music ends]

Is that a good face?

-[grunts] You are unbelievable.
-[gasps]

[grunts]

-[all] Huh?
-[stammering]

-[♪ Intense rock music playing]
-[Riddle] Queen of Hearts, Rule 562:

"One must never, under any circumstances,
bring a chestnut tart

to an unbirthday tea party."

And yet,
here you are in flagrant violation!

I am convinced you do this
entirely to mock me.

You have ruined the entire event,
you imbecile!

What? Rule 562? How many rules are there?

There are 810.

And someone around here must enforce them.

There are 810?

Oh, no. Trey, did you know about this?

I haven't memorized that far.

Only up to 350.

I didn't expect there
to be a rule dictating tart flavors.

As house warden of the Heartslabyul House

founded on the Queen of Hearts'
strict discipline,

I cannot overlook this infraction!
Dispose of that at once!

No way! That's a load of nonsense!

If you're tossing it, I'll eat it!

[stammering]

[Trey]
Housewarden, please accept my apologies.

I was the one who suggested
he make a chestnut tart.

Yeah! It never even occurred to us
to check if there was a rule against it!

The creation of the tart is not the issue.

The issue is bringing it here!
To this tea party! Today of all days!

[♪ Music ends]

[both stammering]

Forgive me…

But if I may ask, how important
is following that particular rule?

I can't imagine that anyone here
really cares

about the presence of a chestnut tart.

[grunts]

-What are you say...
-He's right, you know.

Don't be such an idiot.

[gasps]

"Idiot"?

How dare you!

Okay, reel it back!
We don't use that word around here.

I don't care, I'm saying it!
You're an idiot!

Everyone hates these rules.
They're ridiculous!

I have to side with Ace on this.
You're just being unreasonable.

-[♪ Sinister music playing]
-How very brave of you.

Would anyone else care to speak up?

[Ace] Come on, guys,
you don't have to be afraid of this dude!

You all agree this is insane, don't you?

-[Riddle] Ah, do you, now?
-[all gasp]

Um, of course not, Housewarden!

-N-never!
-[scoffs]

Suck-up cowards. Pathetic.

In the year that I have served as
house warden, not a single student

has been expelled or held back a year.

Heartslabyul is the only House
to achieve this feat.

That alone puts me in the right!

I am the best student and strongest mage
of anyone in this house. Remember that!

You shall obey!

Do you think I take your heads
for my pleasure?

It is your own fault for straying
from the path of success.

And if this behavior continues,
then every one of your heads will roll!

All right, that's enough.
Apologize to the Housewarden!

I refuse.

I won't either.

Yeah, that's gonna be a no
from me as well.

I'm not gonna bow
to such a cranky little tyrant.

[gasps] What did you just call me?

He called you a selfish, nasty, miserable
old tyrant!

And you don't respect food!

[groans]

[staff chiming]

-[screams]
-[all gasp]

Then it's Off With Your Heads
once and for all!

Remove them from my sight!

[all gasp]

I'm sorry, you guys. You know
we can't disobey the house warden.

I feel awful. You still need to apologize,
but I'll go talk to him.

Damn that guy. I refuse!
I will never apologize!

Well, let us collect ourselves
and carry on.

I believe we had
the croquet tournament next, did we not?

Uh… It is! Yes, sir.

[♪ Music ends]

Not to nag,
but are you sure you're okay with this?

[breathes shakily]

[♪ Eerie music playing]

[panting]

[all laughing]

[giggling]

[both sigh]

[young Riddle crying]

[gasps] No, Mother, wait, you're mistaken!

Please, don't, Mother.
It's not their fault! Mother, please!

-[doors creaking]
-[gasps]

[breathes shakily]

[sighs] That puts us 15 minutes
behind schedule. How unfortunate.

[groans] Damn it, damn it, damn it!

That tiny little twerp
pisses me off so much,

it's like he thinks
he's the Queen of Hearts herself!

[sighs] I am never gonna be
an honor student at this rate.

[straining] I can't breathe!
Why do they have to be so dang heavy?

-[sighs]
-[creepy laughter]

-[gasps]
-You all look so dashing

in your little collars. Oh, yes!

[all scream]

[shrieks] It's-It's a disembodied head!

Oh, dear. Sorry, loves.
Forgot I'm not all there!

[magic chimes]

[chuckles]

[gasps]

Who are you?

Artemiy Artemiyevich Pinker,
at your service, sirs!

Now, you may say I'm a cat, or you
may say I'm a "purrs on," but either way…

Uh, come again?

Artem… Artichoke?

Oh, call me Chenya. Everyone else does.

Look, man,
I was just humiliated by a tyrant

so I don't have the patience for this.
Get lost!

Riddle, a tyrant? [chuckles]

I certainly see
how you came to that conclusion.

He was always a rather
persnickety little kitty even as a child.

Wait, even as a child?
You know the Housewarden?

Perhaps I do, and perhaps I don't!
[giggles]

[Grim] Well, which is it?

Yeah, we're gonna need a lot more
than that.

What happened to that kid
to make him such a dictator?

[Chenya] Forgive me,
but you'll have to ask four-eyes!

[Deuce] Four-eyes, who? You mean Trey?

Yes, he's known Riddle since he
was just a twinkle in his mother's eye!

[Deuce] Trey and the house warden
are childhood friends?

I never would have guessed.

[Chenya] Ta-ta.

[Deuce stammers] Hey, wait a sec.

-[magic chimes]
-[gasps]

[Chenya humming, echoing]

He's just gone.

What an a-meow-zing little weirdo he is.

[grunts] Ugh, now I'm talking like him.

If nothing else, I guess we at least
have something new to think about.

[♪ Curious music playing]

[Deuce] Guys, I really think we ought to
go back to the dorm and look for Trey.

Well, I ain't gonna apologize
to get this collar off

and they won't let us in otherwise.

[sighs]

-[Trey] Hey. There you are.
-Huh?

[Deuce] Oh, hey.

I was just saying we should try
to find you. Were you looking for us?

Yeah.
It's entirely my fault this happened.

So what are you gonna do about it?

I mean, we know you guys grew up together.

Have you always let him boss you around?

[gasps]

Some guy named Chenya said as much.

[Trey] I see.

And you're older.

What are you doing stressing
over some underclassman?

Go out there
and give him a piece of your mind!

Yeah! What they said!

Maybe I should.

-But I don't have the heart to scold him.
-[♪ music ends]

Really. And why's that?

Because everything about him

was built on a foundation
of strict discipline.

[♪ Sentimental music playing]

[Trey] His parents are exceptional
magical healers in our hometown.

His mother, in particular.

And she wanted Riddle to be exceptional,
too. To that end,

she maintained perfect order in her home.

She scheduled every waking
minute of his life around his studies.

She decided what he ate, what he wore.
Everything.

Even who his friends were.

[no audible dialogue]

But he wanted to make them proud,
so he did as he was told.

And he mastered his signature spell
at the age of ten.

That's just how he grew up.

So now, of course Riddle believes
that imposing strict limits

can help a person grow and improve,

and that any and all rule-breaking
is immoral and vile.

So,
if he accepts that rule-breaking is okay,

that would fly in the face of everything
his parents said that made him who he is.

Is that it?

I understand completely
why you hate the way he acts.

And I agree it's gone too far.

But in spite of that, I still can't
find it in myself to tell him off.

It's no wonder he turned out like he did.

You really can't blame him.

Nah, I guess not.

[♪ Music ends]

You know,
I'm really glad you told us that.

I think I get it now.

[grunts]

You're the real reason

that Housewarden Riddle
is so messed up, aren't you, Trey?

[all gasp]

No one gets to choose their own parents,
so we can forget about that.

But where the heck were you in all this?
You had to have some idea

-his folks were screwing him up!
-[gasps]

No, Mother, wait, you're mistaken!
Please don't, Mother.

It's not their fault, Mother. Please!

[door closes]

[sighs]

So if you agree that the house warden
is making all the same mistakes with us

that his mother made with him,
then you have to tell him!

Oh, great, so you feel sorry for him.
What good is that gonna do?

You really wanna sit there and watch
till he winds up friendless and alone?

Whoa, Ace, you're being kinda harsh.

Or maybe you don't wanna say anything
because you're too scared

of getting locked up in one of these
stupid things yourself.

-You're pathetic!
-[all gasp]

You're supposed to be his friend!

And that's not how real friends
treat each other!

[exhales deeply]

Quiet in the library, please,
Mr. Trappola.

[both scream]

Headmage!
How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to know you take issue
with your housewarden's governance.

You're, uh… not gonna pass that alo...
[screams]

And if that is the case,
why not become house warden yourself?

You are more than welcome
to challenge Mr. Rosehearts for his seat.

Cha…

[all] Challenge him?

[students murmuring]

Oh, dear.

Indeed, Mr. Rosehearts himself
became house warden

by challenging his predecessor.

[Ace] But, like, how?

There are several ways to go about it,
but those two dueled for the role.

If Ace fights him and wins,
he'll be in charge just like that?

That's one way to get these collars off.

Does that entice you, Mr. Trappola?
Shall I begin preparations for a duel?

Hmm…

Yes! Sure! Might as well try!

[gasps]

And as soon as I beat him,
I'll make him grovel.

Please forgive me, Housewarden, sir.
I was wrong!

I'm gonna ruin that guy's life.

Maybe don't.

You do that, you're no better than Riddle.

I wanna challenge him too.

I always wondered
what it would be like at the top.

[Grim] Then count me in too!

I do admire your ambition, Monster Grim,

but I am afraid that students may only
challenge the warden

-of their current house.
-What?

Ah! And one more thing,

any and all non-magical assaults
in these duels are strictly prohibited.

[all] Huh?

Now you will have to excuse me, I fear.

Do brush up your spell work
in the meantime. Bye-bye, now!

-[Riddle screams]
-[groans]

Well, we'll manage somehow, won't we?

Sure! Of course we will.

-[Ace] All right, then. Let's do it!
-[Deuce] Yeah!

[exhales shakily]

[insects chirping]

[♪ Ethereal music playing]

As for you, "Your Majesty."

You're just a fat, pompous,
bad-tempered old tyrant!

[chuckles]

Off with her head!

[soldiers screaming, clamoring]

[gasps]

[snoring]

-[Yuken] Today's the day.
-[♪ music stops]

[birds chirping]

-Two of 'em? That'll be weird.
-They can't be serious.

-That'll be weird.
-Trey, I have a bad feeling about this.

[breathes shakily]

-Our challengers!
-[collar rattles]

DAUNTLESS COURAGE 1-A
ACE TRAPPOLA - DEUCE SPADE

[scoffs]

[Headmage] Students!
We shall now commence the official duel

for the title of Heartslabyul Housewarden.

Mr. Rosehearts,
please remove the magic-sealing collars

which put the challengers
at a disadvantage.

[staff chimes]

[gasps] Yes!
I feel about a million times lighter now.

Enjoy this brief moment of freedom
while it lasts.

I assure you, you'll be back
in those collars before long.

It ain't over till it's over, punk!

[Riddle] Do you truly believe that?

Duh! Obviously!

We wouldn't challenge you to a duel
as a joke.

Hmm…

Then tell me, what is the meaning
of that ridiculous thing you're wearing?

[Yuken] I lent it to him.

It's just an armored helmet.

Back in my world,
swordsmen wear these into battle.

I see. So be it.

Housewarden Riddle,
it's almost time for tea.

What would you like to do?

What do you think?
Make preparations as scheduled.

Yes, sir.

As you can see, we're a bit short on time.

Attack together and we'll get this done.

[both grunt]

Very well.

The duel will begin the moment
this mirror hits the ground and shatters.

Ready…

Off With Your Head!

-[staff chiming]
-[♪ dramatic music playing]

Hey!

[shouts] No way!

[grunts] What the heck?

Wow.

Oh, no. You okay?

[scoffs]
You couldn't even last five seconds.

[♪ Music ends]

[♪ Theme song playing]

[♪ Song ends]

[♪ Curious music playing]

[Jamil] Hey, Kalim.

Ruggie's here to see you.

Oh, yeah! I forgot that was today.

I told him if he wanted to come over,
we'd treat him to all the very best dishes

from the Scalding Sands!

Who's we?
Who do you expect to cook all that?

Well, you, of course!

What do you mean, "of course"?
I've had just about enough of this, Kalim!

-Oh? Enough of what?
-Cooking!

How many days in a row do you expect me
to cook for your guests?

Well, yesterday and the day before.
I don't know, you tell me.

-[Jamil] It's been three straight weeks!
-Oh, that is a lot, isn't it?

I'm not doing it. You're on your own.

No!

Hey, Ruggie,
I gotta cancel our plans today.

I know you were looking forward to it,
but we'll have to do this some other time.

Canceled? No!
I was looking forward to this all week!

You can't cancel on me now, Kalim.

You said yourself, we were gonna dance
and feast and have a blast!

Oh… Yeah.

[stomach growls]

I even skipped dinner last night to make
sure I had enough room in my tummy.

And I brought all these containers
so I could take home all the leftovers!

Whoa! I didn't realize you were planning
your whole week around this.

Oh, yeah. You know it!

Very well, then!
For you, I'll cancel the cancellation!

[♪ Music ends]

We don't need Jamil.
I can cook for you all by myself.

Really? Okay.
So, what are we gonna start with, then?

Well, the Scalding Sands'
famous stew should be easy enough.

[stomach rumbles]

I just gotta put all the ingredients
and stuff in a pot till it gets all mushy,

-right?
-Wrong!

You've never cooked before, have you?

-Not a once!
-Uh, Jamil?

Don't ask me for anything.
I'm not doing it.

Come on, don't say that.
Pretty please, for me?

Nope! My decision is final.

Yeah, I totally get it. Some days
you're just not in the mood, are you?

-But if you don't, we'll starve.
-Huh?

Ingredients: some kinda meat,
some kinda shrooms, some kinda fruit,

and all of our spiciest spices.

Whoa! Hang on, there!

You can't just throw a bunch
of random stuff together like that!

Told ya. You can't let him loose in here,
he doesn't know what he's doing.

I'm not cooking! I said it before and
I'll say it again, I'm not doing it today!

I know what you said. But are you sure?

Think again. 'Cause if you don't,
Kalim's gonna poison us all to death.

Oh, wait! I can just cook whatever I want
with magic!

-[grunts]
-[giggles]

Not again!

[crows cawing]

[panting]

[munching] Mmm!

Welp, thanks for the meal prep, guys!

See ya next time!