01x05 - The Consequences of Matchmaking

[bunniefuu]

.

[Dexys Midnight Runners'
"Come On Eileen"]

- ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪

♪ Oh, I swear,
well, he means ♪

♪ At this moment ♪

♪ You mean everything ♪

♪ You in that dress ♪

♪ My thoughts, I confess ♪

♪ Verge on dirty ♪

♪ Ah, come on, Eileen ♪

♪ ♪

- [spits]

♪ ♪

[phone beeps]

[phone rumbling]
- ♪ Jim is calling ♪

♪ Jim is calling ♪

♪ You're so lucky
'cause Jim is calling ♪

Pick up, pick up.
- Yo.

- I've been googling.
I think I have a dermoid cyst.

- A what?

- A dermoid cyst.

Some of them
have hair and teeth.

There's a chance
it's my embryonic twin

who I devoured when we were
sharing our mother's womb.

Take a look.

- I think it's just a skin tag.
Hack it off.

- Hack it off?

Put the axe down,
Lizzie Borden.

Ask Trey.
He's the genius.

- Trey is sleeping.

- Trey was sleeping.

- Hi, hun.

Jim just stumbled upon
some kind of growth

under his arm.
- Hey, Trey.

Weigh in on this.

So far, we got skin tag
or embryonic twin.

- Guys, not now.
I gotta sleep.

- He's just psyching himself up
to cut the thing off.

- OK.
Well, go get 'em, tiger.

I'm rooting for you.
Night, night.

- Do it if you can.

And if you chicken out,
I'll come by tomorrow

and cut off your junk.

- I beg of you,
cut off my twin,

but leave my junk.
- Please, make it stop.

- See? See?
Trey agrees.

We need a protest march
with signs and songs.

Hands off men's junk.
Ooh, actually, bad idea.

- It's Julia.
Please, leave a message.

[phone beeps]

- OK, guys, I have resolved
to m*rder

my long lost
twin little brother.

So, if I die too,

please donate
both of our bodies to science.

OK, I'm opening the scissors.

Three, two, one.

[scissors snip]

Ow!
That was so stupid!

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Trust, do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Hey, babe.

Look at my sleep tracker
which grades my sleep

with stunning accuracy.

- Ooh, 58.
That's good, right?

- No, that's 58 out of 100.

That's an F.
I'm flunking sleep.

Why? Because lately,
Jim calls every single night.

- To update me on the kids.

- Well,
it starts with kid talk,

but it always shifts
to other talk, Jim talk,

about Jim things.

Things Jim read,
things Jim's

thinking of reading,
things Jim ate,

things Jim thinks
Jim would enjoy eating.

Jim things, Jim things.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim things.

Look, our windows
have blackout curtains,

but what we need now
is Jim-out curtains.

- I hear you.

- I admire your commitment
to a thriving divorce,

but I need my sleep.

Please, I am begging you.

Please, just tell him, "Jim,
don't call after 10:00, Jim."

- Do I have to say
his name twice?

- I think it conveys the proper
gravitas of this situation.

- Two Jims it is.
I'll say it just like that.

- Thank you.

- I did not say it
just like that.

In fact, I did not say it
anything like that.

In fact,
I did not say it at all.

I had planned to say it,

but before I could,
fate stepped in.

Fate sent me
a message on Facebook.

.

- Can you believe this?


- I know.
I love Facebook.

For every 600 friends,
there's actually one

you want to see in person.

[laughter]

- So Australia.

- Oh, great country.

I just followed
the wrong man there.

- You followed your heart.
Love took you there.

- And hate brought me home.

[laughter]

- I'm just joking.
I don't hate my ex-husband.

Actually, I hate my ex-husband.

But you get it.
You've been through it all.

- Still going through it.

But it's good.

We kept the apartment,
so the kids can stay there,

and we're the ones
who come and go.

- Well, that's smart.

It's less disruptive
for the kids.

- Still ironing out
the details.

For example, Jim has been
calling a lot late at night,

and my fiancé is not thrilled.

But I always pick up
because he makes me laugh.

- Well, if you're tired of him,
tell him to call me.

I'm up all night playing
Words With Friends

with people who aren't friends.
- [laughs]

Well, if you're serious,
I'll set it up.

- I wasn't serious.
Should I be serious?

- Maybe.

- You want to set me up
with Jim, your Jim?

- He's not my Jim anymore.
No, no, no.

I have relinquished all claim.

He is now public domain Jim.

- So it wouldn't be weird
for you?

- Are you kidding me?

I want him to be with someone
as great as you are.

I mean, he's smart, kind,
charming, funny as hell.

None of that changes
just because by the end,

I wanted to stab him
in the neck with a lawn dart.

But he's a great dad,
and he's a good guy.

- Do you have a picture?
- Yes.

Let me find a good one.
- OK.

[upbeat music]

- She said I'm cute?
What picture did you show her?

Oh, yeah.
I do look cute.

Hot, actually.
I am smoking hot right there.

- Do you need to be alone?
- I'm good.

But when you get a minute,
airdrop me that.

Got a photo of her?

Oh, hell, yeah,
I'll go out with her.

- A photo is all it takes?

- She's hot,
and she thinks I'm cute.

That's what I call go time.

- Mom, or Dad,
or whoever I should ask,

can I sleep over
at Sophie's tomorrow night?

- Sophie J. or Sophie K.?
- Sophie K.

- Sophie J. will not be there?
- Uh-uh.

- Look at me,
look at me, look at me.

You promise me
there is no chance

that Sophie J. will be there?

- No Sophie J., only Sophie K.
I promise.

- OK with you Jim?
- Yep.

- Then have a lovely time.

- It's Sophie Z.
you gotta worry about.

- It makes me happy
you're going on a date.

- Hmm, I'm glad.

- And you seem happy now.

- Did it seem like
I was not happy?

- No, I just--

you're a wonderful guy,
and I care about you,

and I want you
to find your Trey.

You shouldn't hide
your light under a bushel.

- Never said my bushel
wasn't out there busheling.

My bushel has actually
been very busy,

and also, my peck.
- Oh.

I wasn't aware of that.

- Well, you know,
I like to be discreet.

But yes, many dates,
uh, triggered

by my magnetic libido.

So, hey, do you think
your friend Lydia

might be free tomorrow night?
- I can ask.

- Hey, guys.
- Oh, hey, Jimmy.

You know, it's been a long time
since you went on a sleepover.

Why don't you call Trevor
and see

if you can do one
tomorrow night?

- Trevor G. Or Trevor H.?
- I do not care.

- It's Trevor Z.
you got to worry about.

♪ ♪

- To first dates.
- Oh. Ow.

- Are you all right?

- Yeah, let me
just use the other arm.

To first dates.

Mm.

Lydia, full disclosure,

it's been a while
since I've done this,

so I might be a little rusty.

- Well, I wish this wine
had WD-40 in it.

I'm just kidding.

We're restarting the engine
after the car's

been in the garage
for a long time.

- It was a long winter.
- How was your winter?

Because mine was cold and dark.
- Mine was dark and deep.

- Mine was deep,
bleak, and dull.

- Hm.

[laughter]

- Well, what doesn't k*ll us--

- Wounds us so bad,
we wish we were dead.

- I was gonna say,
"makes us stronger."

- Hmm.
Tell that to my armpit.

- I'm sorry, your armpit?

- You want to know why
I winced a moment ago?

- Sure.

- Are you familiar
with dermoid cysts?

- I am not.

- It's a growth of skin cells
that sometimes gets infected.

Sometimes they have hair
and teeth.

And--
- Are you ready to order?

- I think we need a moment.
- Certainly.

- You know what?

I can finish this story
after we eat.

.

- OK, so the other night,
I used scissors

to hack off a dermoid cyst
that was under my armpit.

- Lord, are you OK?

- Yeah, I am now,
but it was brutal.

I bled like a mother.
Bled and oozed.

And overnight, the pus set in.

I think it was lymph
leaking out.

We have lymph nodes
under our arms, right?

- I'm a tax attorney.

- Well, anyway,
I was surprised.

- I am too.
You scissored off a cyst.

- Cyst is a polite word.
This was a commanding presence.

It could start a cult.
It hurt so bad.

- I can imagine.
- No, you cannot.

I dropped to my knees,
not to pray,

although I did pray
once I was down there

for forgiveness
for murdering my twin.

See, they think
that these dermoid cysts

are fetuses
that the other fetus,

in this case me,
devoured in the womb.

So it was my cyst-er.

- Jim, this was delightful.
- Was?

- But I have to leave now.
- Why?

- Because I have learned
to follow my gut,

and right now,
I'm about to puke.

It was very nice to meet you.

Um, here's a 50 for the wine.
Keep the change.

Put it towards your co-pay.

I wish you well.
Condolences about your twin.

I hope you don't get sepsis.

Please tell Julia I said,

"Thank you
for the introduction.

"I am deleting my Facebook.

"I will speak to her again
by accident

in another 19 years."

[upbeat music]

- Jim just texted
that Lydia left the date.

- Lydia?
- My friend I set up with Jim.

- Oh, so a friend
you don't really like.

- This jackass.
How hard is it?

[line trilling]

- Oh, if it isn't
the merry matchmaker.

- What did you do, Jim?

What did you do.
- Nothing. I was being myself.

- And there's your problem.

- You were being yourself?
Why would you do that?

- It's too soon, Jim, too soon.
- Exactly.

That's the first rule
of dating.

You got to be someone else
first for a long time.

- Yeah, everybody does, Jim.

But especially you, Jim.

- You got to trick 'em
into liking you

before you let 'em see
who you really are.

This is basic stuff.

Just tell me
exactly what happened.

- It was all going well,

and then I told a story,
and she got up and left.

- Which story?

- About the dermoid cyst.

- Oh, my God!

- What?
It was hilarious.

- There's something
really wrong with this dude.

- Guys, guys.

You live how you live,
and I will do the same, OK?

Because guess what?
I met someone else.

- What?

- A lovely woman named
Thea Lynn, single and looking,

who happened to be
at the next table

and heard everything.
She's witty.

She's attractive.

She's festooned
in turquoise jewelry.

She vacations in Santa Fe.

And she loved
the dermoid cyst story, Julia.

Wants to know what I would have
named my twin had he lived.

She came over,
introduced herself.

I asked her to join me,

and we are having a blast.
Goodbye.

Well, hello again.

- I missed you.
Did you miss me?

- I did.

- I am having so much fun.
- Oh, me too.

Oh, I figured out
a name for my twin, Lyle.

- Love it.

[laughter]

- This is great!

Jim met someone he likes.

With any luck,
this will turn into something,

and for a little while,
at least,

I'm gonna get some sleep.

Mission
accidentally accomplished.

Come on.
- We are in desperate trouble.

- How is this not good news?

Why isn't anything
ever good news?

- You don't understand.

Jim has a defect in his brain
that makes him love people.

It's horrible.

The guy collects friends
wherever he goes.

He's like a human lint roller.
- That's not horrible at all.

That's good.
- No, it's bad for romance.

Very, very bad.
Jim falls in love instantly.

He fell in love with me
from down the block

before I saw him
or said a word.

- A, nobody can blame him.

And B, for a long time,
it worked out.

- Yes.

Because as it happens,
I am wonderful.

- Hmm.

- But-- but that was just luck.

You know,
I could have been a beast.

I could have k*lled the guy.

And now I may have.

Someone's got to go down there
and get eyes

on this Thea Lynn,
do some recon.

- Good luck.

.

- I don't see him.
Do you see him?

- No. Well, I guess
that's a good try.

We did everything we could--
- Excuse me.

Do you happen
to remember a couple?

He's handsome,
shaved head, beard.

She was wearing
a lot of turquoise.

- The guy who cut off
his oozing cyst?

- That's the one.

- Yeah,
they were in my section.

- Did they leave together?
- Oh, yeah.

They ordered our famous soufflé
and left before it was ready.

- Excuse me.
You said he paid for this?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, babe, babe.
- What?

- It's not too late
to turn back.

- I've got to save Jim
from himself.

- I disagree.

But allow me a prediction.

The moment you walk
through that door,

you're gonna see
that it's an innocent date,

and you're gonna want
to leave.

At that moment,
I want you to look at me

and say the word "soufflé."

That'll be a signal
that you are, A, ready to flee,

and B, I was right.

- Oh.

[giggles]
Your beard, it's so ticklish.

Oh, a little more here.

Ooh!
Oh, oh.

Hey, um, do you mind
if I take off my dress?

- Mind?
I'm honored, grateful.

I'm already composing
a thank you note.

- I thought you said
we were gonna be alone?

- We were.
Julia, what the hell?

- Soufflé, soufflé,
soufflé, soufflé.

- Wait, who are you?

- I'm Julia, Jim's ex-wife,

former wife, wife at one time.

This is Trey, my fiancé.

- Hello.
- I'm Thea Lynn.

- Enchanté.

- "Enchanté," she said
as if she says it all the time.

- Sorry for the flyby.
I had to get some stuff.

I live here too.
Not all the time.

Jim and I take turns.

I leave stuff behind
now and then.

And now and then,
I got to get it.

Hi, I'm Julia.

- Yes, you said
your name already.

- That's right.
And she said hers.

Thea Lynn,
which is so unique and pretty,

like the woman herself.

- I'm sorry,
you said you live here too?

- On account of the children,
both of them, two.

They live here all the time,
so they never need

to get stuff, but I do.
Getting stuff.

Can I offer you
a Diet Dr. Pepper?

- Uh, no, thank you.

- You know,
we call this place the nest.

My son named it, you know,
because birds live in a nest.

- But when they're all here,
it's crowded.

So some of them have
the decency to fly away fast

and far and away, away, away.

- Look at all that
lovely turquoise.

Why the turquoise, Thea Lynn?

- Because I like it.

- Why Santa Fe?
- You know about Santa Fe?

- Oh.
[chuckles nervously].

Jim texted that he had met you,

and I texted him
with various inquiries,

and then he texted us.
- Oh, no us.

I didn't text anyone.

- You were in the restroom,
I believe.

- I was very happy
that I'd just met you.

- What are your intentions
regarding my ex-husband?

- Well, before you got here,

I intended
to take my dress off.

- Oh.
- I look back

on that time fondly.

- Well, look, I don't want
to get in the middle

of what you guys got
going on here, so--

- Yes, that's right.

We're just here to get
the baseball glove.

- And I have it,
and we will go.

- Play ball!

- But before we go,
uh, I'm sure, Thea Lynn,

that you are a lovely person,
and that this will

be a lovely relationship,
and that

you will treat Jim lovely-ly.

But if you don't,
be warned that

whatever your motives,
whatever your schemes,

whatever your pathology,
I shall thwart it,

for I am his shield
and his sword,

his bulletproof vest
and his r*fle.

- Julia.

- I have his back
and his front,

his side and his flank.
- Flank means side.

- Regardless, I got the keys
to get in here anytime I want.

- Uh, Jim?
- Yes.

- Thank you
for a lovely two hours.

- You're welcome.

- Shorter than
many relationships,

and yet, never to be forgotten.
- I understand.

- This is obviously
a very complicated situation.

- I know.
- More people than I'm used to.

- Me too.

- Well, uh, it was a delight
to meet you all.

And Julia, bravo.

You've saved Jim
from my sense of humor,

my big heart, and my
voracious sexual appetite.

- Wait,
Jim is a really great guy.

- Agreed.
It's you I'm worried about.

- Oh, don't be.

- Any chance
I can still call you?

- [laughs]
No.

[laughs]
No, no, no.

No.
No.

- Huh.

- Hmm.

- Ay, ay, ay.

- I--
- You?

- I--

- You?

- Jim, I--

I'm so sorry.

- No one is more sorry
than I am.

- What are you--

what are you thinking?

- I am not thinking.

What you see on my face
is bafflement, wonder,

awe, all mixed with
astonishment at the absurdity

of what you've just done.

- I just-- I don't--

I don't know
what I was thinking.

- Oh, I do.
- You do?

- You were thinking
that I do my best thinking

when you're there to remind me
what my best thinking is.

- Look, you have
every right to be angry.

- I'm not angry
because I know you,

and I know you did
what you just did

out of your own
peculiar and still evolving

definition of post-divorce.

- I think
I was just afraid that--

- That harm would come to me,
harm that would be your fault

because you were the one
who sent me

on the dermoid cyst date
in the first place.

But no harm came to me.

And actually,
it was the opposite.

Events conspired,
and moments ago,

for the first time
in a very long time,

I was caressed with desire
by another human being...

Who, before you barged in here

with your sawed-off shotgun
and your Kevlar vest,

had decided without being
asked or begged to disrobe.

Today was a thrilling,
if bizarre,

reminder of life's
post-divorce possibilities,

and none of it
would have happened

if you were a normal person.

So thank you.

- You're welcome?
- Too soon.

Now, if you've nothing else,
please leave

so I can return
to Santa Fe in my mind.

- No calls after 10:00.

- What?
- No calls after 10:00.

- Oh, uh, Jim,
there is one other thing.

- No calls after 10:00?

- The reason Julia tried to
fix you up in the first place

is because I need my sleep.

And we figured
if you had a girlfriend,

you'd be less likely to call
in the middle of the night

because you were busy
being caressed with desire.

- I was gonna just call you
and say no calls after 10:00,

but then things happened.
- Things?

- Thoughts.
- Your thoughts?

- Thoughts that led
to choices--

bad ones.

- But that's the rule,
no calls after 10:00?

- If you don't mind.
- No problem.

- Unless it's an emergency.
- OK.

- If you got to, you got to.
- Thanks.

- Call whenever you want.

- Cool.

- Love you.
- Love you.

- Very fond of you.
- And you.

Julia?
- Yeah.

- Leave the cistern please.

- Right.
- Thank you.

- Oh.
Hi, everyone.

Um, I didn't realize
you were here.

Sophie J.
crashed the sleepover.

She smelled like pot,
so I left immediately.

Um...
[chuckles]

I'm gonna go shower.
Uh, don't hug me.

- See that?

Silver lining.

You know,
I don't show up tonight,

your daughter walks in
on you going Southwest

on the turquoise express.

It's called fate.

- Mm, no, it's not.

- I tried.