01x06 - The Consequences of Status

[bunniefuu]

All: ♪ Don't show up ♪

♪ Don't come out ♪

♪ Don't start caring
about me now ♪

♪ walk away ♪

♪ You know how ♪

♪ Don't stop caring

♪ About me now ♪
[police siren wailing]

- OK, all right, all right.

Remember, kids, always pull over

quickly so that first
responders can respond first.

Their service deserves
our gratitude and respect.

- Dad, this cop is
pulling you over.

- Oh, come on. Come off it.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we
once had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all
together as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we
say, not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

- Dad, if the speed limit's


- Jimmy, when the cop
gets here, zip it.

Hello, Officer.

How may I help you?

- Well, you can
stop by acting like

we're not at a Dunkin'
Donuts drive-thru.

I clocked you at 85.

What's the big hurry?

- Oh, we were attending
a Dua Lipa concert.

Uh, Ms. Lipa puts a
little giddyap in my go,

if you know what I'm
saying. [chuckles]

- No, I don't know
what you're saying.

Oh. Wow.

Trey Taylor, the
owner of the Celtics.

- 'Tis I, Officer.

- 'Tis?

- You know, I gotta
say, regardless

of how the Celtics have
been playing lately,

you got nothing
to be ashamed of.

- I appreciate that.

- I agree.

I mean, despite valid criticisms

of some recent
front office moves,

these talk radio schmucks ought
to leave Trey alone and tackle

the despair that the Patriots
have lately perpetrated

on our commonwealth.
Am I right?

- Don't go dragging Bill
Belichick into this.

- Oh, no, I was just...

- Bill Belichick has brought
immeasurable joy into my life.

- Coach Belichick
is a great man.

- A great man.
An icon, a giant.

It's why I named
my son after him.

- Wait, my name's...

- Not now, Billy.

- Hey, would you
mind autographing

a basketball for me?

- Only if you'll
accept it as a gesture

of my gratitude for all you do
in service to this fair city.

- This guy.

You know, in light
of all the things

that your charitable foundation
does for the city of Boston,

I'm going to let your
fair-weather Pats

fan of a driver here
off with a warning.

- Oh, no, I'm not his driver.

I'm his fiancée's ex-husband.

- Wow.

How magnanimous of you.

To give your fiancée's ex a job?

My ex's fiancé is lucky
he's not at the bottom

of the Charles River.

I'll be back in two secs.

- Yeah.
[chuckles]

- Thank God you're not
going to the slammer, Dad.

- Don't thank God. Thank Trey.

He's the one signing
the ball to save Dad.

Trey's your Get Out
of Jail Free card.

- You're a superhero, Trey.
- Super Trey-Man.

- [chuckles] Oh, kids, go on.

- Here you are, Mr. Taylor.
- Oh.

- There you are.

You know, listen up
there, Vin Diesel.

Your lawbreaking reflects
poorly upon Mr. Taylor.

So why don't you take a little
fast out of that furious,

or next time I'll give you
a ticket you'll cry about?

You got me?

- Well, while I appreciate
the gesture, Officer,

I'd like the ticket now.

- You want the ticket?
- I want the ticket.

- I'm not giving you a ticket.
- Please give me the ticket.

- I don't care how
nicely you ask me.

I'm not giving you a ticket.

- It's my constitutional
right to pay the piper when

the piper requires payment.

- Ask me one more time, I'll
take you in for psych eval.

Just slow the hell down.

Oh, Mr. Taylor, thank you.

You know what, here's my card.

If you're ever in a rush, or
even if you're not in a rush,

give me a buzz.

I'll spin the siren and
clear the way for you.

Go, Celtics!

- Because of Trey, the laws
don't apply to us anymore, Dad.

- Yes, they do.
- Not when Trey's around.

- Trey, will you
take us shoplifting?

- Pick the day,
Jimmy. Pick the day.

- Trey, Trey!

[both chanting] Trey,
Trey, Trey, Trey!

- ♪ Say my name ♪

- Trey.
- ♪ Say it again ♪

- Yeah!

All right, now, kids,
remember, if you

find yourself in my position,
be grateful, be humble.

And if not, you best be sure
you don't cross Johnny Law.

Am I right, Jim?

- Hey. How was the concert?

- Amazing.
- So good.

- Breathtaking.

- Mom, when Dua Lipa
dances, it makes me wish

I was a piece of her clothing.

- When I was your age,
I wanted to be a piece

of Janet Jackson's clothing.

- [clears throat]

Uh, Jim, did Dua
Lipa disappoint you?

- Dua Lipa could
never disappoint me.

- Trey, you know what would make

a perfect end to this evening?

Some of your famous
ice cream sundaes.

- Yes!

- You don't have
to tell me twice.

To the kitchen we ride!

[both chanting] Trey,
Trey, Trey, Trey!

- Say my name! Say my name!

- You look sad.

- I'm not sad.

- You don't look happy.

- I'm not happy.

- So tell me what you look like.

- Concerned.

Startled.

Some might say shook.

Look, I was gonna
sleep on this, Julia,

but I'm afraid we have an issue.

I got pulled over
for speeding tonight.

- So you meant
you have an issue.

[laughs]

I'm sorry I'm laughing.

It's happening involuntarily.

How much was the ticket?

- I got off with a warning.

- Did you cry and tell
him that your mom died?

That's what I'd do.

Come on. Now, where's
the victory smile?

- My victory smile
is in hibernation

because we still have an
issue, an issue named Trey.

- How is Trey the issue?

- Your fiancé got me off.

Out. Trey got me
out of the ticket.

- That b*stard.

- It was alarming.

Apparently, the
coin of the realm

is no longer character,
conduct, and contrition.

It's fame, wealth, and status.

- Let's focus on
what's really alarming,

you speeding like a maniac
with our children on board.

- Oh, 85 is not maniacal.

And I would have paid my
fair share of the Boston PD's

revenue-raising shakedown,
had officer Jock

Sniffer McFanboy not
made a complete mockery

of the rule of law.

I am afraid that our children's
proximity to Teflon Trey

is poisoning their minds.

- Trey has worked his whole
life to get to where he is.

- Well, I've haven't
known him his whole life,

so I don't know if that's true.

But you know who
hasn't worked hard?

Our kids. They
have done nothing.

Nothing.
- Yeah, they're kids.

- Yes, barely out
of diapers, and they

expect the world is
going to treat them

the same way it treats him.

Roll out the red carpet
and sprinkle it with caviar

and solid gold jelly beans.

Trey lives this ridiculous
life of platinum rainbows

and limousine lemonade.

We are at a vital
crossroads, Julia.

Trey's world is not the
world our kids live in.

- Hey, guys.

We don't have any whipped cream,

so Trey's having a chef
from the Ritz named ASAP

come over and bring us some.

Keep an ear out for
the door, would ya?

- See?

They need to be taught that
no one in the real world

is exempt from life's three
unchangeable realities.

- Which are?

- Pain, loss, and
ceaseless struggle.

- I think your instinct to
sleep on this was correct.

Let's revisit this after
you get a lobotomy.

- Mom, you were right.

Trey makes the best
ice cream sundaes.

- Trey, you gotta come to
my basketball game tomorrow.

You're the family
good luck charm.

- It's at St. Mary's in
Watertown, 20-minute drive.

But for you, only 10.

- Can't wait.

- Can you take us
to rob a bank after?

- Bank first, and then we'll
knock over a liquor store.

[knocking on door]

Hey.

- Oh, are you ASAP?

- [chuckles] Thank
you very much.

Kids, have at it.

There's extra for you, Jim.

- Hoo-hoo.
- Hey, new pajamas.

I love your new pajamas.

- Custom-made from Italy,
on back order for a year.

Feel me up.
- OK.

But you know what happens
when I start touching you.

[both chuckle]

- Oh, my god, what kind
of material is this?

- This is Turkish mindworm silk.

- Oh.

- Essentially, the
Kobe beef of silk.

Or maybe Kobe beef is the
Turkish mindworm silk of beef.

Anyway, it was great being
with Grace and Jimmy.

They're terrific kids.

They really seemed like they
were interested in forming

a relationship with me.

- It's because of how
you are with them.

You constantly make an effort.

- It's not an
effort. It's fun.

- Hm.

So how much do
these pajamas cost?

- Three.
- Hundred?

- Thousand.
- $300,000?

- $3,000.
- Oh.

[chuckles] That's still
a lot for pajamas.

- Is it?

- Jim mentioned that, uh,
you got him out of a speeding

ticket tonight.

- Uh-uh.

The cop was a fan.
What can I say?

I got fans.

- Yes, you do, and
I'm your biggest one.

[both chuckle]

- Dagnabbit.

I got toothpaste on my PJs.

- Oh.
[sensor beeps]

Uh, hon...

- Those PJs are garbage.

- Say what?

- Toothpaste wreaks
havoc on mindworm silk.

Those things are
basically ruined.

- Well, why don't you just
brush your teeth before you

put on your pajamas?

- Because I'll be
brushing my teeth naked.

- Hey, give a girl a thrill.

- Thankfully, I
bought an extra pair.

Of course now I'm going
to need a new backup pair.

I'll get some for you
and the kids, too.

Give me everyone's sizes.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Uh, size zero for me.

But let's hold off on the kids.

You know, I don't want them
to get used to wearing $3,000

pajamas, grow out of
them, only to go back

to wearing real-world pajamas.

- Why would they
ever have to go back

to wearing real-world pajamas?

They live in my world now.

- Jim thinks your lifestyle
is poisoning the kids' minds.

- Fine, I don't have
to buy them pajamas.

- Well, he said that
you getting him out

of the speeding ticket gave
them a warped impression

about how life works.

- [scoffs]

Well, Jim is blowing
this out of proportion.

Babe, I didn't big-time the cop.

I didn't say, do
you know who I am?

The man handed me a
basketball, and I signed it.

This is lunacy.

Jim was embarrassed,
and now he's deflecting.

- He does deflect
when he's embarrassed.

He does.

- Here I am, a self-made man,
and I can't stand in my own

living room wearing my
backup mindworm silk pajamas,

brushing my teeth
without this hassle.

- I will talk to him.
- No, no.

There will be no more
talks around this issue.

In this family,
there'll be no more

talking through each other.

We will talk to each other.

And Jim and I need to
get on the same page.

Handle this man to man.

Oh!

- Oh, God.

Almost ruined my
fourth pair this year.

- Jim, that's some
shower you've got.

- Dad, you got a
shower at your place.

- Not like your shower.

Your shower, the
water falls from above

like a gentle summer rain.

My shower smacks me in
the face by just having

the nerve to clean myself.

Yesterday, I almost
lost a nipple.

- Well, you can
use mine any time.

- Can I use your new
butt washer you got?

- The bidet? That's Julia's.

You gotta to ask her.

- I am not going to ask
my former daughter-in-law

if I can use her a*s spritzer.

- How's she going to know?

- Oh, trust me.

She'll know.

Hey, you all right?

- I'm just thinking
about the kids.

I'm worried that they're
getting too spoiled

from hanging around with Trey.

- Ha!

You should have seen
yourself when I spoiled you.

Remember that Sting-Ray bike I
got you with the banana seat?

- Oh, I love that banana seat.

- Every kid had a
bike, but no one had

a Schwinn with a banana seat.

And, boy, were you
a jackass about it.

What?

Your bike doesn't
have a banana seat?

'Cause my bike's a Schwinn
Sting-Ray with a banana seat.

Hey, girls, want to
ride on my banana seat?

See?

It's shaped like a banana.

I wanted to take a sledgehammer
to you and that banana seat.

But you snapped out
of it eventually.

- What happened?
- What always happens.

Life knocks you down.

In your case, Jeffy
Droyel got a mini bike.

And all the girls who were
riding on your banana seat

decided they'd rather
go joyriding with Jeffy.

And I wanted to
teach you about life,

so I did not buy
you a mini bike.

I took your mini bike money
and went to Atlantic City

and nearly got divorced.

- And yet somehow you never
won father of the year.

- But look how great
you turned out.

- So you think the
kids will be OK?

- Son, Grace and
Jimmy are good kids.

Trust your own
influence on them.

- Mm, yeah.

Thanks, Dad.

I needed that.

- That's what I'm here for.

That plus the perfect
water pressure.

Speaking of which, I'm going
to go do a pinch and a rinse

before I go.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Plenty of seats, guys.

Feel free to spread out.

- I'd like to have a
word with you, Jim.

- That's fine, but
I can smell the fish

tacos you had for lunch.

So maybe a little
daylight between us?

- If you thought I was
corrupting your kids' minds,

you should have just said so.

- I did say so.
- Yeah, Julia, not to me.

- You're a couple. Telling
Julia is telling you.

If you want, I could tell
Julia now that you should

never mind what I said before.

I'm not poisoning
your kids' minds.

- I know you're not.

- I'm a positive
force in their life.

- I agree.

- And it's not my fault
the cop let you go.

- You're right.

- I'm trying to
argue with you here.

What's the matter with you?

- You know, I had a
good night's sleep,

and my dad reminded me that
I was once a young jackass.

And I agreed.

- Wait, so in the
light of day, you

are admitting that Trey
is not trying to make

our kids into jackasses?

- Yes, the new day has given me
the clarity to know that Trey

is not corrupting our kids.

- Look, pal, if I wanted
to ask a cop for a favor,

it wouldn't have been that.

I'm a regular guy.

- With a private jet,
a basketball team,

and a heart of gold.

And an apology from yours
truly for overreacting

to your generosity and goodwill.

- I gotta hand it to Jim.

It takes a big man to
admit when he's wrong.

But it takes just as
big a man to accept

that apology gracefully.

Maybe even a
slightly bigger man.

But, hey, listen, this
is not a competition.

- Hey, Trey. Where's Mom?

- She and your dad
went to go get popcorn.

- Oh, before the game starts,

can we get a photo with my
friends Maeve and Chevonne?

- Absolutely.

Maeve and Chevonne, say cheese.

- Cheese.
- [chuckles]

- Grace said you
have a private jet.

- And that you'd take
us to Tahiti on it.

You're so nice.
- [chuckles]

- Trey, this is so great.

I'm not sure they're the
friends I'm going to bring.

I have to see how well they
do on my homework first.

But thank you.

- Trey.
- Yeah?

- Told Coach Bernie
here you'd give him

a coaching job with
the Celtics if he runs

today's offense through me.

- Big fan.

I can't wait to tell my boss
at Foot Locker to shove it.

Thank you.

- I gave him your cell.
He'll hit you up Monday.

Thanks for making it work.

- Jim was right all along.

I had corrupted his
children's minds.

And I could either admit
that... not an option...

- Mm, I gotta say,
Trey, your car smells

way better than the tea.

Thanks for the ride.
- Mm.

Hey, tough loss, Jimmy.

But you played your heart out.

- Nah, my shot was off.

- Shots.

You took all of them.

- Players gotta play.

- You fouled out
before halftime.

- I got no calls.

Trey, you need to
set the referee

straight the next game.

Tell him who's who
and what's what.

- Mm.

Hey, you done with that?

- Pretty much.

- Trey, what the
hell are you doing?

- When I was six, I threw
some trash out the car window.

I thought it was funny.

My dad didn't.

He told me that most
of the kids in juvie

got sent there for littering.

I never forgot that.

And I never littered
again, until that night.

- Trey, stop it.

- Just cleaning up. Grace,
you done back there?

- Yes, sir.

- Thank you.

[sighs]

- No, no, no. I'm
still working on mine.

- How about you, Jimmy?
- Can I throw it?

- No. Trey, stop the car.

- Yep!

- Don't make me jump out.

- You're not going to do that.

- Ah, she's done it.

Lake Tahoe, 2010.

Granted, there was snow.

- I just need some fresh air.

Everybody, just give
me a minute, please.

- [sighs]

I'm going after her.

- Yes, yes.

But as a man with two
decades in your seat,

when Julia says, I
just need a minute,

she's not asking for you
to grant her the minute.

She's taking it.

So give her two minutes.

Then slowly walk after her,

and when you get within 10 yards

of her, or what I call the
blast radius, make sure

that the first five words
out of your mouth are,

I am so, so sorry.

- I'm so sorry. Got it.

- No, no, no.

I am so, so sorry.

- I am so, so sorry.

- You've got this.

- Jules, I am so, so sorry.

I had it all worked out.

I was going to
litter, and once I got

pulled over by the police...

- For littering?

- Littering with abandon,
like a crazy litter bug.

When they pulled me over
and saw who I was...

I was going to say,
give me that ticket.

I deserve that ticket.

- Why?

- When you and Jim
went to get popcorn,

Jimmy Jr. was making changes
to the Celtics coaching staff,

and Grace was booking
time on my private jet.

So, yeah, I am poisoning
your kids' minds.

Jim was right.

- Why didn't you
just say something?

- Because Jim was right.

Look, Jules, I'm sorry.

I'm just no good at
this parenting stuff.

- Trey, none of
us are good at it.

Jim was right this time.

You'll be right next
time. Then I'll be right.

And we'll somehow all be wrong
over and over again and again.

That's parenting...
one long, unfolding,

unmitigated disaster.

- I got a lot to learn
on the parenting front.

- Jim and I should
have handled this.

But the good news is we've
identified the problem.

You.
- Ha-ha.

- [laughs] I'm
kidding, I'm kidding.

- Ha, ha, ha, it's not funny.

- No, we can fix this together.

You're part of the team
now, you crazy litter bug.

[both laugh]

I'm... I'm sorry I
let it get to this.

- We're not really going to
tell Jim he was right, are we?

- Oh, hell no.
- OK.

[laughs]

[truck horn blares]

- This your car?

- Uh, yes, Officer.

- This is a no-standing zone.

Not only is your car
standing, you have the keys

so no one can move it.

- Officer, I am so, so sorry.

He was giving me
a minute to think.

- The sign says "no
standing at any time,"

not "no standing unless he's
giving you a minute to think."

I'm writing you a ticket.

- Yes.

- Did you just do a fist pump?

- Yes.

- You're Trey Taylor
with the Celtics.

- 'Tis he.

- Watch this, Mom.

- You know, it's an absolute
disgrace you haven't retired

Tiny Archibald's number yet.

- Larry Bird doesn't win the
title in 1981 without him.

- Agreed.

- I wasn't even
born when he played.

- Excuses, excuses.

Here's your ticket.

Pay attention to
the posted signs.

And do Tiny Archibald right.

- Trey, Trey, I got this.

- No, this is me.
- No, no, no.

You got me out of a very
expensive speeding ticket.

- That is my ticket.
I want that ticket.

- $750?

I agree. This is your ticket.

- So, kids, have we
learned a lesson?

- Everything revolves
around sports

because men can't communicate.

- No, just 'cause
you're famous doesn't

get you out of everything.

- Unless you retire
Tiny Archibald's number.

Do Tiny right.

- Let's get in the car.

Hey.

- [laughs]

[The Clash's "I Fought the Law"]

all: ♪ Breakin' rocks
in the hot sun ♪

♪ I fought the law,
and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law,
and the law won ♪

♪ I needed money
'cause I had none ♪

♪ I fought the law,
and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law,
and the law won ♪