01x09 - The Consequences of Helping People

[bunniefuu]

Dad, can I give this away?

It shrank,
and it's really small.

Oh, it'll still fit.

Come on, give me that.

[sighs]

It looks like
a child being born.

Push, push.

[grunts]

Grunt if you have to.

You're doing so good.

[exhales sharply]

It's a dad.

- ♪ It's true ♪

♪ The marriage that we once
had now is through ♪

♪ And now we're doing
all that we can do ♪

♪ To keep us all together
as a crew ♪

♪ Just do as we say,
not as we do ♪

♪ We really thought
that we were done ♪

♪ But we've just begun ♪

This too dressy?

Not if you're a scarecrow.

I don't even want
to go to this thing.

Well, I can't leave you here,
so you're going.

We're having lunch with
my oldest, dearest friends,

and I don't want them
calling child services.

So this is about you, not me?

Yup, for two hours,
I want you to look like

you're being raised
by civilized people

and pose no threat
to public health.

Didn't you always say

we should be honest
about who we are?

Within the family, yes.

But to outsiders,
it's a lifetime of deception.

Grandpa and I
are going thrifting.

Ah, thrifting, a romp through
the closets of the dead.

One woman's trash
is another woman's treasure.

Thank God, or no one
would ever get married.

Oh, look,
it's Arthur Fonzarelli.

Where did your shirt go?

Grandpa said I could sell it.

Apparently, it's vintage.

Everything you own
is vintage.

You are vintage.

I put it in a ziplock so you
can't smell the Aqua Velva.

Won't work.
You're gonna have to spray it.

- With what?
- Youth.

You'll smell like me
soon enough.

Perhaps the scariest thing
you've ever said.

And since when do you thrift?

Since my granddaughter
asked me to.

I'd do anything she wants.

She says museum,
we go to a museum.

She says swimming, I'd be
standing there in a Speedo.

Please never say swimming.

Better?

Take anything off him
you think you can sell.

[upbeat music]

Don't you feel better
dressed nicely like a grown-up?

I feel like
I got a court date.

Beer for me
and for my lawyer.

OK, we will look
at the harmless

nonalcoholic beverage menu.

Jimmy, would you like
a Faux-jito,

a Short Island Iced Tea,

or a Polite Hug on the Beach?

He'll have a rumless Coke.

Look, I know you're not happy,
but today is important.

Every couple of months
ever since college,

my buddies and I
have met here for lunch.

Are you wondering why?

Nope.

Because it means a lot to me
to be the kind of guy

who never forgets his friends.

I like to be
that kind of guy, too,

but I had to go
to lunch with my father.

Now, drink your mocktail.

Seems like a good time
to introduce you

to the culture of alcohol.

Barkeep, keep 'em coming.

There he is!
[laughs]

Hey.

Hey!
How are you, buddy?

all: Hey!

Oh, everybody, everybody,
this is my son, Jimmy.

Jimmy, this is Petey D,
Petey G, Mikey, Tommy,

Russo, Kevin, and Schwanz.

Holy cow!

Look at you, Jimmy.

I ain't seen you
since your sonogram.

You remember?

Yes, sir.

All right, everybody,
grab a beer.

[all shouting]

I've got something to say
before we sit down.

And, Jimmy, I want you
to listen to every word

'cause this is about your dad.

Last time we had lunch here,
I asked Jim

to write me a letter
of recommendation

for my daughter, Denise,
who is applying

to Our Lady of Sorrows,
where your sister,

Grace, goes to school.

Half the city's trying to get
in there, but they won't fit.

[laughter]

And no Boston school wants
a transplanted New Yorker.

I mean, maybe you can't
hear my accent no more,

but that's where I'm from.

Anyways, the school's decisions
come out tomorrow morning.

But I ain't worried, Jimmy.

I believe you.

'Cause I know
how it's gonna go.

Thanks to your dad,
my old buddy Jim,

I've never been sure
about a thing in my life

that'd be taken care of.

What a guy your dad is.

I love him.

I mean, we all love him, right?

- Yeah!
- Thank you.

To Jim.
all: To Jim.

This is some stack of cash.

I had no idea.

It's the sustainable economy,
Grandpa.

Do they like clip-on ties
or Hush Puppies

or Members Only jackets?

I could make a fortune.

- How about this one?
- Too much.

This one is half off.

That's half off when it's on.

No.
Ew.

No. No.

Hey, go b--
go back two dresses.

This one?

I don't think it's my size.

Or yours.

Do me a favor.
I forgot my glasses.

Look at the label.

Tell me what it says.

"I belong to Rose Oliver."

How did you know that there
was handwriting on this?

Keep shopping, honey.
I got to go sit down.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Don't be too hard
on yourself, Governor.

Pronouns are a minefield
these days.

Please stop calling me
"Governor."

I'm just a former governor.

But you get
the honorific Governor

for the rest
of your life.

I don't want it.

Just twists the knife.

Reminds me of days gone by
when I could remake

the commonwealth
with a stroke of my pen

and everyone took my calls.

I'm sure they still do.

More and more,
they go through to voicemail.

I know what that means.

We need to fix your snafu.

How do you fix it?

You tell the truth.

People love the truth.

They respect the truth.

They respond to the truth.

["Batman Theme"
ringtone plays]

Oh, my gosh, Former Governor.
I'm so sorry.

It's my former husband.

Much less of an honorific.

He has our kids this week,

and he's putting up
the Bat-Signal,

which is only used
for emergencies.

Just be happy someone
wants to talk to you.

Do you have another room?

Governors have other rooms,
not former governors.

Go ahead.

Is everything OK?

- No.
- Is one of the kids hurt?

- No.
- Are you hurt?

This will go faster
if you just let me tell you.

OK.

I need help,
desperate, desperate help.

Go slow.
Use your words.

I am using my words.

You are repeating words.

I repeated the word
"desperate" to express

the gravity of my situation.

I forgot to write a letter
of recommendation

for Petey D's daughter, who
applied to Our Lady of Sorrows.

She is his only child,
and I blew it.

You sure did.

What a disappointment.

You put up the Bat-Signal
for this?

The decisions come out
in the morning.

I am in a pitch meeting with
Former Governor Devon Monohan.

I don't think you're supposed
to call him that.

The Bat-Signal
is for car accidents, fires,

staph infections, head lice.

Jules, I'm about
to fail miserably

at being a good friend.

And if I am not the wonderful
old friend that I think I am,

maybe I'm not the incredible
father that I think I am

or the terrific former husband
that I think I am.

Maybe I'm just a burden,
a cipher, a zero.

Are you in public right now?

I'm public-adjacent.

But you, Julia,
are not a zero, thank God.

You are whatever
the opposite of zero is.

It's infinity.

That school loves you.

Heck, if you'd have
been around

when the Blessed Mother
was alive,

she wouldn't
have had sorrows.

She would have been
laughing constantly.

Our daughter's school
would be named

Our Lady
of the Ever-Deepening Guffaw.

All right, enough.

You have given endlessly
of your time,

volunteered in the lunchroom,

been a chaperone
on the field trips.

So you got to call
the head of school,

sing this girl's praises,

and get her in now,
right away, please.

I don't even know
Petey D's daughter.

I've only met Petey D once,
and that was enough,

with the Yankees
and that accent.

Well, put all that aside,
Julia, please.

Channel your better angels.

My better angels
have already been channeled,

or I would have hung up on you.

Well, then channel
your also pretty good angels,

whatever angels are left.

OK, I am going to text you
the girl's info.

I still have it
from the email that I opened

but foolishly forgot
to flag as important.

Bad Jim, very bad.

Do you have it?

I do.

I have it, and I have had it
with this call.

I will call the school.
Thank you. Good day.

Forgive me, Former Governor.

It'll be just one more second.

I have very little to do.

Julia Kearney
calling for Kate Mackey.

Wonderful.

Hi, Julia.

Hi, Kate.

Thank you for taking my call.

I appreciate what that means.

[whispering]
This'll be you soon.

[normally] I'd like
to speak with you

about a wonderful candidate

for admission
to Our Lady of Sorrows.

Her name is... Denise DiNunzio.

She's an A student and a...
soccer player,

a midfielder, actually.

And what a midfielder.

[chuckles]

Don't go into midfield,
Kate, or you'll be sorry.

Midfield is Denise's field.

Yeah, you know, Julia,
we seriously considered Denise,

but the note
from her interviewer was...

"Not enough shame."

Well, she was
probably nervous.

And what kid wouldn't be,
interviewing for a place

at the school of her dreams?

Oh, that's true.

So you personally vouch
for the child?

She's salt of the earth,
cream of the crop,

top shelf, top drawer.

In short, A-plus.

Well, they are
transplanted New Yorkers.

We try to avoid them.

As you should.

But, Julia, if you can
gush like that over her,

then I'll park all that
to one side.

Denise DiNunzio,
welcome to Our Lady of Sorrows.

[laughs]
Thank you so much, Kate.

And go, Martyrs.

Forgive me, it'll be
just one more

brief, brief moment,
Former Governor.

[indistinct chatter]

["Batman Theme"
ringtone plays]

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Who is it?

Yes, Commissioner?

She's in.

Ha!

Hey, Petey, tell Denise

she's gonna be donning
the Holy Ghost gray.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

I could cry.

I could cry, Jim.
I'm crying.

Look at these tears.
- Mm.

I ain't cried
since Jeter retired.

Lunch is on me.

[all cheer]

OK, Former Governor,
where were we?

You were extolling
the virtues of the truth,

and then you made me witness
to a pageant of lies.

To be fair,
they weren't lies per se,

and as such, I would never lie
about Patrice D'Amelio.

Denise DiNunzio.

Or her.

Clearly, you were asked
if you knew the girl.

At that moment, you stood
at an ethical crossroads:

to the right, the high road;
to the left, the low.

You took the low.

You sprinted to the low.

The school
wouldn't have taken her

if I admitted
that I didn't know her.

That's why they call it
the high road,

'cause you got
to climb up to it.

Otherwise, they'd just
call it the road.

I thought you'd be
impressed with my savvy.

[chuckles]
- I care about integrity.

If I didn't,
I'd still be governor.

I'll be in touch.

No, you won't.

I've lost your business.

I'll never hear from you again.

Truth.

Mallomar?

How about a time machine?

You're turning down
a Mallomar?

This is serious.

Please tell me
what's going on, Grandpa.

Who is Rose Oliver?

No.

You still have your innocence.

I don't want to ruin that.

Grandpa, I'm on the internet
six hours a day.

I don't believe
in anything anymore.

Rose was at Brandeis
when I was at BC.

We met at a mixer, fell in love
across the punch bowl.

I know it's hard to imagine,
but I was young once.

It's not hard.

I just take Jimmy's face
and pull on it.

[laughs]

We'd meet in Boston
on weekends.

We'd walk around.

She admired this dress
in a window,

so I saved up the money
and got it for her birthday.

Wrote what I wrote
on the label.

"I belong to Rose Oliver."

Because I did.

We wanted to get married, but
our parents wouldn't allow it.

Rose was Jewish.
I was Catholic.

- Who cares?
- Well, people used to.

So said goodbye to Rose.

I was so sad,
I enlisted in the army.

By the way, I hope you never
get your heart broken.

'Cause if you do,
I'll k*ll whoever does it!

I'll snap him like a twig!

There'll be pieces of him
in three states!

But if you do
get your heart broken,

wait a couple of months before
you make any big decisions.

Copy you.

What a putz.

I mean, heartbreak
is bad enough,

but at least
no one's sh**ting at you.

I got back in '75.

Rose was married.

My dad saved the announcement
in the "Globe."

Wrote at the top, "See?"

I didn't talk to him
for two years.

And then what happened?

I k*lled him.

No, no, no.

Nothing.

She lived her life, I guess,
and I lived mine.

I put one foot
in front of the other.

Met your grandmother.

We had 44 wonderful years,
until she passed.

But I always told myself
that no matter where Rose was,

she'd still have that dress.

What can I tell you?

Boys are stupid.

Not all of them.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

You cost me
a high-value client.

Think of all the good
you did for Denise.

I don't even know Denise.

Can I ask a question?

- Go ahead.
- Yeah?

Why are you here?

Because Mom's got to figure
out how to make this right.

Dad's no help,
and I'm hammered.

Jimmy, I think
you've had enough.

I can stop
anytime I want to.

Then why don't you stop?

Because I don't want to.

Fine.
Just drink quietly.

But never alone.

Trey, we are here
because you speak

the former governor's language.

You think the way he thinks

because you're both at the top
of society's pyramid.

So you can afford luxuries
like honesty and integrity.

Some people have
actual integrity.

Ha!

And the former governor
may be one of them.

Ugh.
What do we do, then, Moral Man?

I love you, Julia,
but you are not above a fib

here and there.

And there.

And over there.

And I like you, Jim,

even though you took
some getting used to.

- So did you.
- So did you.

[scoffs] OK, Trey, this
is all blood under the bridge.

Yes, get to the fix, please.

- I will make a phone call.
- OK.

And if that call's
successful,

you will fall on your sword.

And you will fall
on your sword.

Then you will fall
on her sword,

and you will fall on his sword.

And possibly, when all
of this sword-falling is done,

the former governor will
understand who the Kearneys are

and what I will be
dealing with every day

for the rest
of my natural life.

Try being their kid.

It's lunacy.

How does this guy
not have another room?

[door clicks open]

You have five minutes.

God, I have missed
saying stuff like that.

Thank you for seeing us, sir.

When the owner
of the Boston Celtics calls,

you don't let it go through
the voicemail.

[both chuckle]

We are here to tell
the pure, unalloyed truth.

Each of us
has prepared remarks.

Those were mine.

I'm listening.

By the way, "sir" is good.

"Sir"--"sir" works.

Jim?

Sir Monohan,

Julia and I are divorced
but codependent.

We make unreasonable demands
of each other all the time.

In this case, I was
the unreasonable demander,

and Julia was
the unfortunate demandee.

Julia?

But rather than hang up
on him like a functional human,

some instinct kicked in,
some impossible-to-k*ll reflex

to help this man if I could.

I was in lie-or-die mode,
Sir Monohan.

Jimmy?

I have a pretend
drinking problem.

One thing I don't miss
about being governor

is all the favors you're asked.

Most times,
you have to say no

because you never know
what damage you might do.

It means a lot to me
that you all came here

and spoke truth
to what used to be power.

Makes me feel good,

like there's hope,
like there's a future, like...

maybe I should get
another room.

And, Trey.
- Yes?

How did you get mixed up
with these people?

[door clicks open]

I'm back, Grandpa.

How was thrifting?

Successful, I hope.

What'd you get?

A time machine.

Rosie Oliver?

Bobby Kearney.

Yeah.

How you doin'?

Better than I thought.

Day just took a good turn.

So I'm in my apartment,
minding my own business,

and then the doorbell rings.

Gracie.

When I told
the store owner the story,

she gave me Rose's address.

Sit, sit, sit.

My grandkids
are big thrifters,

and apparently,
when Alvin died--

Alvin was my husband.

Oh, I know.

Yeah, well, those jackals,

they went through
the closet that we shared.

So you didn't sell
that dress on purpose?

[chuckling]
Oh, no, Robert.

If I were broke
and on the street

and I sold everything
that I ever had,

I would still be
wearing that dress.

I knew it!

Well, maybe whoever gets it
will look at the label

and see it's something special.

Well, Grandpa...

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

I'll pay you back.

No worries.
I sold most of your clothing.

Happy birthday, Rose.

Oh.
Thank you.

It's beautiful.

You're a good writer.

Well, I was inspired.

Would either of you
care for a Mallomar?

Yes, please.
That would be nice.

Yeah, get lost.

Sit, sit, sit.
- Wow.

[chuckles]

So... your husband's dead.

As a doornail.

[upbeat music]

I wanted to come over,
have the girls meet,

say thank you
like a human being.

Well, then cheers to Clarice.

Denise, who I'm sure
will be a wonderful member

of the Ladies of Our Lady.

- Denise.
- Denise.

Denise, Denise, Denise.

She's gonna fit right in.

I loved the public school
I was in.

I didn't ask to switch,

and certainly not to some
ivory tower with no males,

where I'll be robbed
of the chance to study men,

to understand
their deviousness,

to steep myself
in their treachery

so one day, I can drive
the patriarchy to its knees...

and the matriarchy,
all the "archies."

I cannot wait
to take a wrecking ball

to Our Lady of Sorrows.

And as I dance on its grave,
I will remind the mourners

that it was founded
to beat back heresy

and seek the salvation
of souls.

I am a part of the rabble,

and the rabble I will rouse.

This may have been why
Denise DiNunzio's interviewer

expressed some concern.

The fox was
in the chicken coop now.

That'll teach you.

Things have never been the
same at Our Lady of Sorrows.

In fact, they're thinking
of changing the name

to Jesus Christ,
Why Did We Let That Kid In?

I took the hit.

On campus, my reputation
is in tatters.

One day,
they'll let me volunteer

in the lunchroom again.

One day,
they'll let me chaperone.

But not today.