01x02 - Goosed by a Moose

[bunniefuu]

(birds chirping, fire crackling)

Beautiful day today.

Yes, it is.

(grunting)

Look at that.

I really like

the look of your pemmican.

You can have some.

(grunting)

Yeah.

It's a real nice day.

What's that you got there?

Is that a satchel?

You know it's a satchel.

It's really nice.

My grandparents made it.

Lot of lineage.

That's where

I keep my blueberries.

I don't think you're getting it.

I really really like

your satchel.

Yeah, it's a nice bag.

Listen, I'm going

to hit the road.

(grunting)

It's a real beautiful satchel.

Okay, you love the satchel.

I get it. I will keep

your compliment with me

and it will keep me warm

in my journey. Goodbye.

I forgot to say,

I love that jacket of yours.

How do I look?

Goes good with the satchel.

(birds chirping)

'Cause I can love you, baby

All night long

Roger:

That was Cryin' On My Moon

by Sad Sonyah and the Crybabies,

and in case you forgot who I am,

this is

Laughingstick in the Morning

starting a little

later than usual.

(slurping, sighing)

Went and seen a moose

out in the bush that died funny

and h*'ley,

it was dead and deadly.

If you wanna talk about it,

- lines are open!

- (phone ringing)

Go ahead, you're on the air

with Laughingstick.

Rita: It's Rita.

Rita, did you see the moose?

Rita: Nah, I just need

a ride to the store.

For what?

Rita: I'm out of eggs!

Alright, Rita's out of eggs.

If you're out there listening,

maybe swing by and pick her up.

Oh, hey! You're in luck!

I am?

Yeah, we got

a promotion on right now.

Anyone who gets a bag of coffee

gets a free box of chocolates.

Oh, okay.

It's not just for people I like,

it's for anybody.

What are you,

trying to give me diabetes?

Uh Oh, um

Maybe for Chickadee?

You want her to have diabetes?

You know what?

It's a dumb promotion.

We're gonna stop it.

We're gonna stop it!

Somebody heard me. So

Oh. Okay.

See you, Brady.

Oh, yeah, you will?

(romantic music swelling)

Woman on TV:

I prayed for your return.

A'h*, I have returned, as has my

loyal horse companion, Comanche.

Yes, of course.

Hi there, Comanche.

Is it true you came back for me?

It is true.

You are as beautiful

as I remember.

I will take you up Hunter's Peak

to watch the sunset.

Forget the sunset. Take me now.

No. I must first earn your love

over time with

several romantic gestures.

- (booming outside)

- Woman: Oh, Tatanka!

(booming)

Man: Move you f*ck' thing!

f*cking come on! I'm stuck!

(grunting)

Come on!

- (ripping)

- sh*t!

What the f*ck!?

(grunting)

(panting)

Do you have duct tape?

Look at this sh*t.

It's all f*cked.

And I think

I swallowed a bug, too.

Good for you.

h*'leh don't even be like that.

What do you want?

I heard you and Stephen Harper

got nothing going on right now.

None of your business.

Cool, cool, cool,

'cause I was thinking

maybe you can come by,

we can hang out later?

Come over?

Yeah, I'll cook up

some macaroni and cheese,

I'll cut up some wieners,

we'll watch Hell's Kitchen.

I know you love that sh*t.

You want me to just

come to your Mom's place?

It's my house,

my mom's my neighbour.

Your place is built

right onto her place.

I have my own door.

Is this your idea

of fighting for me,

because this feels like nothing.

I said I was going to

cut up the wieners.

Look at us,

we're already fighting

and we're not

even back together.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not fighting.

When I was talking

about picking you up,

that's just the start of it,

but we can skip all that

and we can--

we can go to the big thing.

Oh, you planned a big thing?

You think I came

all this way just to

rip my pants in front of you?

I don't know.

It's me, it's your

little bannockburger, you know?

I'll come by in the morning,

and, we'll, uh

we'll do the big thing.

Okay. Cool. I'd like that.

Just f*ck' missing her!

Easy, bannock butt.

You're just missing your arse.

(groaning)

h*'ley heck boy,

go change them pants.

I'm going to tell Mummy

you're talking sh*t!

You know my brother's

an idiot, eh?

Sometimes he's a sweet idiot.

With taped up pants.

He just ripped them.

Oh, that makes it

so much better then.

Don't even tell me you're

getting back with that weenuk.

- I don't know. Maybe.

- (booming outside)

We'll see.

(booming)

Paul:

Holy sh*t, this f*cking thing!

(engine rumbling)

Sorry, I was saying,

maybe we'll get back together.

- (phone ringing)

- We'll see.

No, no, I get it.

You have a type,

and that type is busted.

Like you don't have a type.

(phone ringing)

Ban' office. Busy.

I don't even have a type.

You like rugged guys

with sh*t for brains.

Life a white buffalo

Standing strong

in the fading light

So? I used to like hot idiots.

They always got me

with their bodies

and the long hair

and the bodies

and the hair.

Maybe we need something new.

Where am I gonna find

someone new around here

that isn't my cousin?

They don't sell good men

at the North Store.

(beeping)

I know Jo can see me,

but how can I get her to

really see me, you know?

Mm! Mm! Oh, that's hot.

That's too hot.

I just want Jo to

see me romantically, you know?

Same! She's running

out of men around here.

She's already dated any man

that would bring her a fish

and I'm sitting here

with one grandkid.

Like I'm barely a kookum.

The other grannies

talk about me, you know.

So what do I do?

I'll tell you how to

get with my daughter.

You have to be a tough guy.

Yeah, yeah. I can do that.

I can be a tough guy.

I know I don't

look like a tough guy,

but believe you me,

there's a tough guy in here.

- You know?

- (chuckling)

Ah! My mouth, my mouth!

(shouting)

Why won't you cool down?!

You're listening to

Laughingstick in the evening

and I'm still thinking about

the moose that died funny,

and that gave me the idea

for today's top five.

(eagle screeching)

Laughingstick's Top Five.

Today's list?

Top five dead things

that died funny.

Number five!

That dead crow outside

the Ban' office was

stuffed inside a pop bottle.

Now, that's some bad

medicine right there.

Number four!

A dead muskrat under my porch.

Had a fork sticking out of it--

f*ck, that moose sounds wicked.

Yeah, man, this is so cool!

Three of us

hanging out on the bus,

listening to Roger talk

about a dead moose on the radio.

It's just like a dream I had.

Mn'ehh. Cover that sh*t up,

too, putch face. It's gross.

If my face was a putch

you'd just be scared right now.

I'm proud of this hickey.

It lets everyone know a lady

sucked on my neck today.

Damn, I want a hickey.

Come on, guys,

what am I supposed to do

with Rose tomorrow?

I promised I was

going to do something big.

Dean: There's a part in

Rush Hour that could help.

It was with Jackie Chan

and Lucy Liu, and

I forget what it was.

But he did something

wicked to win her back.

Let's watch it, bro.

Mm, can't watch Rush Hour 1

without watching

Rush Hour 2 and 3.

Awesome!

Lucy Liu, is that Rush Hour

or Shanghai Noon?

I think he's right.

You can't watch Shanghai Noon

without watching

Shanghai Knights.

Are we watching three Rush Hours

and two Shanghai movies?

Because that was

also in my dream!

Oh yeah, dude.

It's been a while since

I did a Jackie Chan Five'r.

And away we go.

Paul: Chan's deadly.

I bet you he's Cree.

Brady: I have to pee.

Dean: We just started

this movie. Wait an hour.

Brady: Okay, yeah. Good.

Oh, man. I can see his wire.

Dean: That's not a wire.

Jackie Chan can fly, bro.

Paul: Why you shittin' on Chan?

Brady:

Damn, those movies age well.

Yeah, but did

watching those help?

They're more about

best friends than snaggin'.

Yeah, that's true.

I feel closer

to you guys already.

Wait. What time is it?

Uh

tomorrow.

sh*t!

I still have

nothing to do with Rose.

f*ck, I'm a dead man.

Come on, guys.

I gotta pick her up soon!

I know. Give her a free box of

chocolates when she buys coffee.

I don't work at the store,

what is this?

Oh, yeah. Jo hated it too.

f*ck, I'm an idiot,

I'm a f*ck' idiot.

He does this.

Oh, wait, what's that show

Rose always watches?

Rintin Chips?

Rintin Chips?!

It's f*ck' Restless Wind, man.

Oh, yeah. She loves that show.

I love that show.

Man, you just gotta be

a rugged bush Native

like that big d*ck buckskin guy.

I don't have any buckskin!

Oh, wait. I know!

Take her to see that dead moose

Roger keeps talking about.

Oh, the one from the radio!

Dean:

Yeah. Take her on your quad.

With the wind

blowing in her hair,

she'll feel like

she's on the back of a horse.

Yeah, man, you standing there

by that dead moose

looking all manly.

I'll bet she gives you a hickey.

Okay, that's good.

Really feeling that moose.

Dean: And that moose

is feeling you, man.

Hey, man.

I need something like that.

Something manly

like that to impress Jo.

Okay, so how do you,

a buttoned-down

corporate as*h*le,

get a cool rez chick like Jo?

What?

See, she only goes

for tough Native guys

but you're a white-a*s

marshmallow mother f*ck.

This is a toughie.

Yeah, but--

Maybe you can act

like a tough white guy.

There's tons of movies with

tough white guys in them.

We just gotta

find the right one.

Damn that's hot!

Oh, let's start with Grease.

(whimpering)

(romantic music swelling)

Rose:

Oh, Paul.

Careful.

f*ck' smells.

I know. That's part of it.

Ah!

(flies buzzing)

Cool, eh?

It's like it tried to

jump between these two trees

and then it got stuck.

Look, babe. Look at its tongue.

It went "mn'ehh"

right before it died.

That's f*cked up, bro.

I know? And without you, Rose,

I'm kinda like this moose there.

Just all stuck,

looking all f*cked up and sh*t.

I'm really sorry that I got you

all jar'd when I took off for

Winnipeg without

even saying goodbye,

even though technically

we weren't even together,

and even though

I didn't have to,

I wanted to do

something special for you,

and I know how much

you like nature.

Not really.

Well, I know

how much you like animals.

They're fine.

I just wanted to

tell you I love you, okay?

If you actually loved me,

you'd know I wouldn't want to

see a f*ck' k*lled moose.

I don't think you

understand the metaphor here?

Did Dean put you up to this?

As if.

Jar'd me once, shame on you.

Jar'd me, twice? f*ck you, man.

No, no, no. You're right.

It was all Dean's idea.

He said it would be so nature.

Can't we just go back to

your place? and hang out?

No f*ck' way.

I'll find my own way back.

(cawing)

What are you doing?

I knew this could be

more of your bullshit,

so I had Stephen Harper

trail behind us.

(vehicle approaching)

There you are.

I heard you caw-caws.

That's f*cked.

That's f*cked?

You took me to see a dead moose!

Is everything, okay?

If it's not I'll die.

Whatever, Stephen Harper.

Paul, I'm sorry.

I was really pulling for you.

Let's just go.

I swear I'm not trying

to pull anything here.

Rose, let's just

talk about this!

Yeah, let's all talk this out.

Just go.

Sorry, Paul!

As if, what do you know

about apologies, Stephen Harper?

This wasn't how this

was supposed to go!

Check it out, babe.

Real deadly, eh?

Wow!

You know all the right things.

I love you so much.

Let me give you that hickey.

What the f*ck are

you looking at, bro?

Fantasy Rose:

Guy's a f*cking creeper.

Let's throw f*cking mud at him.

Paul:

I'm not a creeper!

I was day dreaming!

Get out of here you weirdo!

Yeah!

This thing is f*cking f*cked!

f*ck this, man.

Fantasy Paul: (laughing)

What a loser.

You are my first love

(knocking)

(knocking)

Jo! It's me.

Quit it with all the knocking.

What? My toilet's backed up.

sh*t, Jo, you look hot.

Oh, really?

I'm up to my elbows

in the crapper.

What the hell do you want?

You hear that

me and Lisa are done?

(groaning)

She got busted smuggling coke up

to the rez in a meatball sub.

That woman's brain

is a meatball sub.

I know.

You know, now that she's in jail

I've been thinking

about you tons.

Don't you even--

What?

You cheated on me.

It was pow wow season!

Okay, what if this time

I try not to?

What do you say?

What do I say?

How about that I'd like

to hang you up by your hair

and speed bag your nuts

until you cough up

at least one of them up?

You think you can

just show up to my door,

looking all cool,

and think I'm just going to

fall back in love with you?

f*ck that.

Hey, Brady.

Hey.

Don't mind Garry.

He was just going to hell.

Good luck, bro.

She's on her moon.

Brady, why are you

carrying a fish?

I found it. You want it?

I don't want a ditch-fish.

Yeah, totally.

So, you're just trying

to attract bears now?

Everything okay?

I, um

I burned the roof of my mouth.

First with soup

and then a toaster waffle.

Well, you want some ice?

Yeah, that's what I'm here for.

Yeah.

Okay.

Just hold on.

(sniffing)

Dammit.

Here.

It's all I got.

That's perfect. Cool.

No problem.

Hey, uh, if I get in

trouble with my mouth again,

can I call you?

Sure. Whatever, man.

(eagle screeching)

f*cking Dean. This is

nothing like Restless Wind.

I just wanna go home!

I hate you so much, the sun!

Ah, f*cking Stephen Harper.

f*cking quad!

(howling)

(insects buzzing)

I hate you, the sun!

Roger: Under the O.

Agnes: 67, come on!

I've got a sweat here.

My baby needs

a new pair of pants!

Roger: O-64. 64 was a good year.

(crying)

(grunting)

(echoing)

Mama!

My baby!

Aw.

Roger: Lines are open, go ahead.

Rita:

No one picked me up yesterday.

Rita?

Rita: Don't got no eggs

and my foot's still busted.

Nobody picked up Rita?

The lady just needs eggs.

You know,

back in my day there was

a certain way we treated elders.

Am I the only one that

respects them anymore?

Line 2, go ahead.

(knocking)

Dean:

Why don't you go get her, bro?

Roger: Because I'm running

a radio station, Dean.

Oh, Rita.

Brought you some eggs.

On the house.

Sorry about your foot.

Oh. Thank you, my boy.

Oh, you look so tough.

How are you so single?

I know, right?

Have a good one.

Dean: And you're just

sitting there on your flat ar--

Whoops, looks like we lost Dean.

We're having some

technical difficulties here.

A big wave will come

And wash away

The ancient world

A burning soul

on turning heels

Nowhere to go

Together

We'll overcome, yeah