01x05 - A Steps Too Far

[bunniefuu]

There it is, right there.

Hiding in plain sight.

Wait, mah?

That's one of those robo mooses.

Roger: That moose narc Penner

must'a put it here.

He's keeping

his greasy eye on us.

f*ck' Penner.

f*ck' Penner.

I know you're watching, Penner.

Can't fool Laughingstick.

- f*ck you, Penner.

- f*ck you, Penner.

Your laws don't

work out here on us.

I'm Martin Tuguy

with the weather,

looks like we have a 100%

chance of, f*ck you, Penner.

f*ck you, Penner.

I have a better idea.

All: f*ck you, Penner!

(sobbing)

Penner, you still up?

They told me to f*ck off,

so many times.

Oh, Penner,

you are such

a little b*tch.

(sighing)

But they--

f*ck you, Penner.

Yes, I can love you, baby

All night long

Oh, hey.

Guess who I saw at

the North Store today.

Ducky McKay.

I hear she's single again.

Really? You know what

they say about Ducky McCay.

Both: You only get

one shot with Ducky McKay.

Word is on the street

she gave me a hickey once.

And by that

you mean you're lying?

You can't believe everything

you hear on the street.

f*ck' guy.

Oh, hey.

Your Mom dropped this off.

Says she won it in

a card game at Rita's.

Wow.

Doug Swaggers?

Voiceover: 2 rough 4 life.

Wow!

Hey, beautiful day, huh?

Sure is.

How's things?

You back with Paul yet or what?

None of your business, Ed.

I remember when I was your age,

dating was way different.

You had to bring

a fish to her father.

The bigger the fish,

the more he trusted you.

What?! There's no coffee?!

How could you

let this happen, Jo?

Beat it, Ed, ya mooch.

h*'leh, someone needs a coffee.

We had tons of coffee yesterday.

Well, it was gone

when I got here.

What the hell is going on?

How are we supposed

to get anything done

with no coffee around here?

I got what you need, right here.

What the hell are

you talking about, Lips?

It's called Shapeshifter.

It's like one of them

energy drinks. All natural.

It's an old trapper's recipe.

My grandpa drank

a bunch one time,

ended up having

dinner with Sabe.

(groaning)

Go on, have some

Hard pass, Lips.

I guess I'll just go

get some coffee then,

unless you were

gonna get some, Rose?

Never mind then, I'll do it.

Let me come with you.

Coffee doesn't just disappear.

This is now

an active investigation.

Voiceover: Doug Swaggers.

Voiceover: Oh, yeah.

Walking this stride

shoes on m*rder

Outfit so fresh I'm like,

"Look no further"

Voiceover:

Go get it, boss.

Lookin' good.

Lookin' real good.

I am who I am,

and you is who you is

Let my fans in between

both coasts, let me live

All across the maps,

my raps is body movin'

Yeah, this act can act stupid

let's now come out and unit

I'm here fine-tuning

even though

What?

(groaning)

Doug Swaggers!

(groaning)

Let me speak my sh*t

on this M-I-C

Until you believe

every word I breathe

You know what?

It's in God's hand now, son!

Hey, Jo. What's going on?

Tell her, "Good morning."

Didn't think

I'd see you here, Jo.

No. Just be normal, Brady.

Be normal.

Top o' the morning to ya, Jo.

What's going on?

Where the hell's all the coffee?

Yeah! What she said!

Where is it?!

I'll be bad cop.

Some teens came in here

and bought up all the coffee.

Were the teens skinny perchance?

You could say that. Yeah.

They didn't have money so I let

them put it all on layaway.

So you're saying the skinny

bunch took all the coffee?

The plot thickens!

Hey, I like thick plots.

Hey, Paul.

Come 'ere.

Oh, hey there, Ducky McKay.

Nice jeans.

So, is it true?

Are you 2 rough 4 life?

I barely recognize you in those.

Are those--

Um, Doug Swaggers?

Yeah, man.

You know what? I'm done

watching my niece at 3:00.

Why don't you bring

those jeans by later

and maybe we can

Tremors 7 and chill.

I could move some things around.

Voiceover: Doug Swaggers.

You guys lookin' for the coffee?

Well, if it isn't

the skinny bunch.

That's right.

You're in over your scrawny,

little heads.

Just give us our coffee.

You know what we want.

I really don't.

The exercise machine

Chief Deedee promised

to get us months ago.

We need it!

Look at how skinny we are!

He's so skinny

he can't even wear a belt!

We're tired of being skinny

and we're tired

of being picked on.

That's sad,

but Chief Deedee promised

to get that for you, not me.

Just give us the coffee.

Not until we get

the exercise machine.

I hate to break it to you,

but I don't negotiate

with skinny teens.

Then you brought this

on yourself. Let's roll boys.

What the hell are they up to?

Ooh, I'm gonna put on a suit

and show them what's what.

Relax, Lips.

I'm too tired for whatever's

coming out of those lips.

Still plenty left.

Get that dusty

rat piss out of here.

Come on.

Hey, Paulie.

Come on up.

No steps?

Yeah, I sold them.

You sold your steps for money?

Mm-hm. Someone made me

an offer I couldn't refuse.

Who sells their steps?

Anyway, hop up.

I got like six pounds of

frozen egg rolls in the oven.

I love egg rolls.

Hey, uh

I actually came here to tell you

I think things

are moving too fast

and we maybe we need to

pump the brakes a little bit.

What?

You came all the way over

here just to tell me that?

(chuckling)

Is this 'cause of the steps?

Is the porch too high for you?

I can get up on your porch,

that's not it.

Then what is it?

I'm just feeling real tradish.

If we're gonna be a thing,

I need permish

from my mom, 'cause she's

basically the commish.

I'm sorry, I have to get

permission from Agnes

to go out with a grown man?

Look into it.

Are you sure it's not the steps?

There wasn't even coffee

in the school, Lips.

Why'd you think that?

I don't know,

because kids are hyper?

Jo: What the f*ck?!

This is personal.

It's not coming off!

It's not coming off!

Give me that

dusty ol' butt-water.

(snarling)

(screeching)

Let's get those

f*ck' skinny teens!

These Swaggers f*cked me!

They're too tight.

I couldn't get up

on her porch in these

because she sold her steps!

Oh, there goes your

one shot with Ducky McKay.

(phone ringing)

It's Ducky!

Hello. Sagatay Lodge,

General Manager speaking.

Ducky: Paul?

Hey, Ducky.

Ducky: So I called your mom.

Yeah, she didn't seem to

know about the tradition,

but she give us

her blessing to hang out.

Isn't that sweet?

Ducky: So if that's all it was,

why don't we

give it another shot?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was all.

Ducky: Great.

Then come by for supper later.

Great.

What the f*ck am I gonna do?

Well, if there's one thing

I learned from hanging out

with pregnant women,

there's a million

ways to stretch jeans.

(grunting)

Oh, yeah!

Whoo.

Hey, man.

That's the important parts.

To rise again

I've beaten things

that beat the best of men

(barking)

Nothing can slow me down

Or make me stop

(grunting)

'Cause nothing

can stand in my way

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

The jeans are fine.

Well, go f*ck yourself then.

Jo: Hey, Roger.

Quit hoggin' the jug!

(groaning)

So, you know the plan, right?

Scare these

skinny teens straight

and then we get all the coffee.

Lips: Yeah, and I'll scare

them with my suit.

Shut your lie-hole, Lips.

Don't worry about it. I got it.

That was Chimm Chimmers

and her hit song,

"Baby's Got

a New Pair of Crocs."

So, I just got word that there's

a new big, big, big shipment of

coffee down at the North Store.

So if you're a skinny teen

trying to hold people hostage

by taking it all,

well, it's not gonna work.

And you know what

I'm in the mood for?

Two straight hours

of the Red River Jig!

Here we go!

This Shapeshifter

stuff is awesome!

Wait, before I forget.

When the Shapeshifter wears off,

the crash is deadly.

(all laughing)

Hey, Paulie.

Hey, Ducky and Ducky's family.

You the boy who can't

climb up the porch?

I'm not a boy.

Well, hop up, then.

(grunting)

Just kidding.

(laughing)

I'm just f*ck' around.

I need to take a step back.

What's the joke, boy?

Just get up here.

(shouting)

Dad: I thought you could do it.

Keewanimooshki!

(Paul coughing)

Stop right there, stretch.

Oh sh*t, it's a set up.

Guess who's the law?

Cut him off!

Freeze!

(whispering)

- Out of the way, Lips!

- Check the vicinities

and the perimeters.

Well, I don't like this at all!

Jo:

We got you now, spaghetti neck!

Hey!

Stop! My little patties!

Please! This is my store!

You'll never see

your coffee again!

(screaming)

Stop!

(Jo growling)

Stop, you little sh*t!

(grunting)

(thumping)

You guys are crazy.

I'm telling my mom!

Oh, sh*t. I f*cked up.

Sterling! Come back!

Wait! I'm sorry.

I was just kidding.

You didn't get the joke.

Wait!

Come back!

Well, that got insane.

Here you go, animosh.

Go on now, take it.

I'm not a dog.

(laughing)

I'm not going to eat that.

Mum, mum! Jo's crazy!

She tried to k*ll me!

Whoa!

No steps, eh?

Yeah, bad news, Jo.

You're never getting up there.

(grunting)

Ah, I don't want

to hear it, boy.

Sit down and eat.

(panting)

I just-- I just--

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

That's it?

Mahma.

That's enough. Sit down.

(panting)

I'll make sure we get you

that exercise machine.

Let's just be honest, man.

This isn't happening.

Are you talking about the steps

or are you talking

about me and you?

Same sh*t.

Come on, Ducky. Don't let

the stairs come between us.

Come down here. It's, uh,

it's nicer than you think.

Oh, is it, Paul? Is it nice?

You know what, Ducky?

I've had a lot of time to

think down here in the dirt,

and I don't think this is

going to work out anymore.

Plus, I still have

feelings for Rose.

And just to be clear,

this has nothing to

do with the steps.

That's too bad.

You know you only get

one shot with Ducky McCay.

Technically, I've had two shots.

So, you need a new catchphrase.

(chuckling)

Sabe?

The crash is deadly.

f*cking Swaggers

f*cking me over.

I wanted those egg rolls

so f*cking bad.

(muttering angrily)

Voiceover:

Doug-- (coughing)

--Swaggers. Help me

Paul: I've been c*ck-blocked

by a lot of things,

but never by

a set of steps, man.

That's f*cked, bro.

I've been c*ck-blocked once

by an actual c*ck.

You mean like an actual rooster,

though, right?

I wish.

Wherever those steps are,

they're laughing

at you right now, bro.

(horse whinnying on laptop)

Woman: Oh, Tatanka.

Take me. Take me now.

I mustn't. Before I've earned

your love to my satisfaction,

I must pick you

the rarest flower from

the top of Mount Wreckyourback.

Are you sure?

'Cause I am so good to go.

No, I must. It's the only way.

But no man has ever

ventured up that mountain

and made it back alive.

I will use the words the great

ancestors passed on to me.

Miino waga wabishke bene saag.

It means,

"I'm 2 rough 4 life."

Woman:

Okay, I guess I'll wait here?

Ol' Roger is

taking it slow today.

I don't know if

any of you out there

have messed with Shapeshifter,

but I woke up with a unibrow.

Legend has it's made

with Sasquatch pubes.

I'm gonna play,

"Too Slow to Take it Slow"

by Jimmy Two-Two

and the Fiddle Guys.

Oh, God.

Mornin' Jo.

Mornin' Lips.

Hey, how did everything

go with the teens?

I found something

to hold them over until

I get them the exercise machine.

Come on, bro. You got it.

Keep going, man.

Voiceover:

Doug Swaggers! Whoo!

(barking)

("Penimitawe Ota" by

The Resilience playing)

Walking this stride,

Shoes on m*rder

Outfit so fresh

I'm like

"Look no further" psych