01x09 - Mr. Witch Face

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, uncles

and little uncles.

As the deadliest uncle

in Grouse Lake,

I'm pleased you've come to me

to learn the ways.

First thing you need to know

to be a deadly uncle

is the Uncle Shuffle.

(laughing) So dope!

Start real simple.

You don't want to bust a hip.

Just sway back and forth.

It's about endurance.

Uncles gotta be

on the floor sometimes

from 6:00 PM

right to the neon moon.

Nice moves, Stephen Harper.

Add some feet now.

Yeah, yeah.

More hips, Lips.

Like this?

(laughing)

You're a natural, boy.

Now, the most important part

of the Uncle Shuffle,

the arms.

Whoa, boy!

That's too big, Sterling.

You wave your arms

around like that,

how you gonna carry

auntie's purse for her?

She went to the bathroom.

Now, act like

you've just seen a deadly auntie

and point your lips over to her

so the other uncles can see.

All night long

Sterling, you're all over, man.

You're pointing at all

the aunties, gettin' greedy.

You're gonna get

run outta town!

Look at Lips.

Such discipline.

In my eyes

(tape recorder turning off)

What the heck

are you guys doing?

Is that my purse?

S'up, auntie?

Check out my moves.

Ta-ta-ta-cha-cha-cha-cha.

Cha-cha-cha.

sh*t.

Too much arms.

Yes, I can love you, baby

All night long

Up next,

a tale fit

for a Hollywood movie.

A spooky one.

Unless you've been

hiding under a rock,

you've heard of Mr. Witch Face,

the bank robber

who wears a Halloween mask.

Like this one.

Oh, scary.

To date, Mr. Witch Face

has struck 11 banks

across the prairies,

with nothing

but a sharpened broom.

This week,

the story took a dramatic turn.

Police were finally able

to apprehend Mr. Witch Face,

but while being transported

to prison by plane,

Mr. Witch Face jumped out

over the wilds

of northern Manitoba.

I headed to Grouse Lake

First Nation,

a remote fly-in community

400 kilometres northwest

of Winnipeg.

Just one of the communities

in which Mr. Witch Face

could have landed.

While typically a sleepy town,

the people of Grouse Lake

are now gripped with fear.

Will they come face to face

with Mr. Witch Face?

Did I say "Mr. Witch Face"

too many times?

Ah, screw it.

The editors can figure it out.

(laughing)

(sighing) Classic f*ck' Brian.

And now we gotta stare

at his mug all day?

No, man.

I live for this idiot.

Do you know how fun it was

cutting his International

Woman's Day story?

He said a lot of dumb sh*t

in that pink hat.

How does this guy still have

a job?

I don't know,

but it's awesome.

Look at him. It's like he thinks

he's in Jumanji.

Feels like he's gonna bring

out a lion cub on a talk show.

Let's just get this over

and done with, Judah.

What do we got here?

Well, technically, I

I'm sorry.

What was the question again?

I didn't ask you a question yet.

So tell me,

how has the fugitive affected

your business?

Well, I'm the general manager

of Sagatay Lodge.

Basically, I had to take

a one year professional hiatus

from this place.

My cousin, Dean, he almost

burnt it down to the ground.

But I was able

to turn things around.

- Lodge Guest: Excuse me.

- Hello.

How are you enjoying

our facilities and amendments?

I hate to be a problem,

but there's a dog giving birth

in the bathtub.

Ooh, you're gonna wanna

keep your distance.

They can be very territorial.

Oh, no, of course.

I apologize for that.

But the Sagatay Lodge,

it could be a unique experience.

There's a lot of history

in this building.

Look at this chair.

This chair has been

in my family's history

for over a hundred years.

My great-great-great Mooshum,

when he was fightin'

for his land and he needed

to take a load off

chair was there.

Even today when things get tough

and I need to think

of the ancestors, I--

Oh, my God!

(grunting)

That was witchcraft!

That wasn't my weight!

- (editors laughing)

- Witchcraft, I said!

- It's witchcraft. (groaning)

- (editors laughing)

- Paul: Open a window!

- (editors laughing)

I think it's my femur.

Oh, the ancestors, they really

f*cked me with this one.

I can't.

I can't!

- Pause it.

- (groaning)

Add it to the pile

of Brian bloopers.

Honestly,

I've got hours of this sh*t.

Paul:

Open a window!

Tiana:

Okay, let's just move on.

By the looks of this guy,

he lives on a bus?

So, Dean, you've been holed up

in this bus bunker

since news

of the fugitive broke.

When's the last time

you saw the light of day?

What did ya mean?

Well you must be so scared

of the fugitive.

(grunting)

Whoa, heads up.

Pass me that can

of butter, bro.

Wait, you mean this?

Yeah, man, butter.

So, back to the interview,

if I may?

How has your life changed?

Well, I guess I'm busier, bro.

I'm hooking up people

with movies like crazy

because now everybody wants to

see Hocus Pocus or Teen Witch.

So, so, you're saying

life is better?

There's only one m*therf*cker I

got to watch out for, Lil' Tony.

He thinks he's the movie man,

but his Mom only lets him

have the clean versions

of the movies.

No nudity.

That's your movie man?

His Basic Instinct is too basic.

So tell me about the fugitive.

That poor guy.

Don't tell anybody, but,

I've been leaving a plate of

food out for him every morning

just in case.

So, you're worried about him?

I know what it's like

to be in the bush alone.

My parents forgot me

on a camping trip.

Okay, we're good.

If you ever find that witch,

can you tell me if he's okay?

And if you see my parents,

can you tell 'em

I'm still in Grouse Lake?

Brian: So, before we get started

if we could just--

Don't worry.

The name's Roger Laughingstick

and you spell it like it sounds.

Oh, good.

Well, it sounds like

you've done this before.

Amen, brother.

You and me,

we're in the same business, eh?

Did you know I was

the first one to report

the fugitive on the loose?

- Oh, really?

- Yeah.

People really count on me

to deliver the news around here.

I may sleep a lot but there's

no rest for the Laughingstick.

Okay, well,

so for my first question--

And let's be honest,

when something bad

happens in the world

that's pretty good

for our business, eh?

Well you know what they say,

"If it bleeds, it leads!"

I mean you don't win awards

for a headline that reads,

"Bank Not Robbed

by Sharp Broom."

- (both laughing)

- Right on!

Oh, hey, are you getting me

and the mic in the shot here?

Oh, don't worry.

We'll pick up some shots of you

doing your thing live on the air

after the interview.

- We are live on the air, man.

- (microphone button clicking)

We're talking about the witch

on the loose with our guest,

Brian, so if you have

any questions, just call in.

You you mean

we're on the air now?

Yeah, I had to move bingo

for you.

- (phone ringing)

- Oh, look at that.

We got a caller already.

- (phone ringing)

- Go ahead.

You're live on the air

with Laughingstick and Brian

in the afternoon.

Caller: You cancelled bingo

for this sh*t?

You better hope that witch

gets you before I do.

You know what?

That's a great question.

You should probably

answer that, Brian.

Uh

(stammering)

- (multiple phones ringing)

Hold on a second, Gramps.

The board's

really lighting up here.

Do you mind if we do this later?

You're really

upsetting everyone.

Tiana: Did he honestly say,

"If it bleeds, it leads."?

- So greasy.

- Tiana, he always says that.

He said that

in the Woman's Day piece.

I mean is there a story here?

This is dumb, right?

Judah: We got enough

for Funniest Home Videos.

- Oh, my God!

- We are f*cked.

I heard that there was this

white guy at the gas bar

in Duck Bay and that

he looked witchy as hell, too,

but that could just be

because he was in Duck Bay.

Nah, boy, that was our cousin.

He's just pale skinned is all.

Brian: And how scared

of the witchman are you?

I like sugar.

Okay, real simple question.

How has the witch hunt

changed your life?

This interview I guess.

That's big.

- Like, I get to meet TV Head.

- TV Head?

Yeah, your head's

always on TV, bro.

Okay, so as the band constable,

what safety precautions

have you taken?

I'm just doin' my duty,

keeping everyone safe,

checking the perimeters

and the vicinities.

Sometimes I do

the perimeters twice.

And when I do,

I use this big guy.

It's my prized possession.

- The flashlight?

- Yeah, man.

You imagine what that witch boy

would do if he saw this thing

shining at him in the bush?

Shh, shh, shh!

You hear that?

It's gotta be him.

Hey!

Hey!

Smarten up!

Better not be

robbing banks out there!

Drop the broom!

Ah. (sighing)

Got away.

This is why we need

better training up here.

(editors laughing)

Judah: Tiana, check this out.

Tiana: What the f*ck is this?

Brian does this all the time.

He likes to film his tennis

stroke to try to fix his form.

Please fast forward this.

Judah: Yeah, sure.

I've got hours of this.

- I could send it to you.

- Don't.

Oh, that's the Chief.

(playing electric guitar)

Cool.

Thanks.

(playing electric guitar)

I think we got it!

(Chief clearing throat)

As Chief, what safety steps

have you taken on the rez?

Now, you can tell

all your friends

that you heard Eagle Heart

live at work today.

Eagle Heart?

What's that?

Are you serious?

Big Makwa?

That, uh, doesn't ring

any bells, Chief.

Come on.

We were huge in the nineties.

- I'm sure you were.

- Ugh!

Eagle Heart was our biggest hit.

It's about a boy

with an eagle heart.

Ringing any bells?

Judah: I I gotta look up

Eagle Heart.

No way.

You found it?

(eagle screeching on video)

The doctor said no

From the start

This kid can't have

An eagle heart

No!

His numbers

Are off the charts

'Cause this boy

has animal parts

This kid can't have

An Eagle heart

- Brian: Hey, you two!

- Judah: (laughing) TV Head!

(both laughing)

Got you a lot

of good footage, right?

Yeah, you really knocked it

out of the park.

This just reeks

of that Brian magic.

And good news,

I just talked them into

making this story a feature.

Tiana: A feature?

It's just that

there's nothing here.

Yeah, who knows?

This could be

my next Golden Mic Award.

Oh, it's gotta feel good

to be on Team Brian, eh?

Oh, feels good.

Feels real good.

Well, I'll let you two

get to it.

I, uh, I gotta get to

a Freedom Convoy thing

on the other side of town.

Covering or attending?

I can't wait to find out.

Brian: As one of the more

elderly people up here,

you must be losing sleep

and staring out

your windows at night

now that there's a fugitive

out there dressed like a witch.

What size are you guys?

Medium?

I think that you would look

very handsome

in this sweet

Meech Lake Accord hoodie.

I think I'm good, thanks.

So, you're one of the more

vulnerable people up here.

- And

- (stammering)

I've got these Big Mukwa hats,

but don't tell Deedee.

h*'lee!

She tried to sue me.

- (laughing)

- No kidding.

So if I could just ask you

a quick question--

Okay, okay.

This just came in.

And on the back it says,

"I ain't afraid

of no Witch Face."

- So, what's it gonna be?

- (stammering)

- (door opening and closing)

- What?

They broke my chair

and didn't help me.

Who did that to you?

All of them.

You should be ashamed

of yourself!

- No, no, it was an old chair.

- Did you even crack a window?

Nope.

Even after I told them to.

Brian: Uh, if you could

just give us your name.

Uh, Josephine, but, uh,

people call me "Chief."

Uh, my, my name is not Chief.

My name's Joe.

I don't know why

I just said that.

You were the one who asked.

As band councillor, you must

deal with this kind of stuff

all of the time.

Violence, death, and witches

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I see what you're trying to do.

You want me to give you some sad

story about how sh*t the rez is,

pushing this old,

tired narrative.

Why don't you come out here

and sh**t the good stuff?

Like our acres

of protected land,

or the fact that Blue--

--I mean,

one of our community members

just won the national

spelling bee!

But, no,

you wanna continue

perpetuating this idea

that all we're about

is asking for handouts!

Did somebody say handouts?

I wouldn't mind a handout.

Not now, Ed!

I'm not letting you

come into my community

to sh**t some

poverty porn bullshit!

I was in a poverty porn once.

Oh, God!

That's sick.

Eds, get out!

And now, for an exclusive.

Joining us

is local store manager,

Brady Clark.

Brady, thanks for being here.

Sorry I wouldn't

let you in the store.

I got confused.

I thought you had

the witch with you.

Oh. (laughing)

Oh, no, no, no.

But he could be anywhere.

You don't have to say that.

Maybe just stop.

Wait, is the witch

in the studio with you?

Did my ex-wife tell you

that I sh*t myself

during The Blair Witch?

Is this one of those things

where you know I have

a lifelong fear of witches?

So you're gonna being 'em out

here, so I can face my fears?

Oh, sh**t.

That would have been good.

Maybe for sweeps.

So tell us, Brady,

what's the mood like

in Grouse Lake right now?

Oh, no one's taking it

seriously at all.

These people don't care

about witches.

They have bigfoot

and little people to deal with.

But obviously

you are taking it seriously.

Yeah, because I'm white!

I don't want people

to think that I did this.

Did you know

that most bank robbers

and most witches are white?

But I don't know this guy.

He doesn't represent us.

I'm not a witch!

I-I-I'll take a DNA test.

Oh!

I'm Rose Sinclair,

but call me "@rezzyandreal."

That's my handle.

Oh, just your real name is fine.

It's where I teach

beauty hacks on the cheap.

Follow, like, and subscribe

for all my videos.

So tell me, Rose,

the phones must be ringing

off the hook here.

Not really.

Come on!

They gotta be.

Rose, can we do

this question again,

but this time I want you

to give me a real sense

of the fear

running through Grouse Lake.

Do you know what I mean?

And if you could just,

if you could--

I got you.

I got you.

This will get you some hits.

- Okay.

- Ask me again.

So tell me, Rose,

how have things changed for you

here at the band office

since the news came down?

Oh, yeah.

The whole place

is just running scared.

Can't even go out alone.

Great!

That was great!

Okay, now we just wanna

get you answering the phone,

as you normally would.

- Easy peasey.

- Okay, okay. (clearing throat)

Ring, ring.

Hello, Grouse Lake band office.

Wait.

Slow down.

Uh-huh.

No, not Gerry!

Please, not Gerry!

But he was so young!

I just talked to him yesterday!

What about his kids?

What about the kids!?

How was that?

I can go bigger.

No.

It's perfect!

Brian:

How's the dream team doin'?

Hard hitting stuff, right?

I don't know, Brian.

We've gone through

all the footage

and there is no story here.

Are you serious?

I mean everything you need

is right in there.

No, you're

No, you're just not

looking hard enough.

Here, get up.

Get up.

Yeah, up, up, up.

Get up, get up.

- Okay.

- So I'm off the story now?

Yep, I got it from here.

Ugh!

Classic f*ck' Brian.

B-B-Both of us?

Yeah.

You can go.

Sweet.

Hey, it's all yours, TV Head.

Now, what's the

Female Anchor (on TV):

Congratulations are in order

as Winnipeg celebrates

its one millionth pothole.

Never been on TV before.

I hear a lot of people

get discovered on the news.

(gasping)

What if I get a sneaker deal?

(Laughing)

'Ever, slack.

As if anyone ever got a sneaker

deal from buckling a chair.

Man, shut up, Dean.

Female Anchor: A northern

community is torn apart

by danger lurking nearby.

Brian Granway brings us a story

on a very special edition

- of Granway Investigates.

- Oh, shh, our story's on!

I spoke with the frightened

people of Grouse Lake

to see how they're adjusting

to the threat of Mr. Witch Face.

A bank robbing witch

prowling in the woods nearby.

What about his kids?

What about the kids?

There's only one mother(beep)

you gotta watch out for.

You're gonna wanna

keep your distance.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's gotta be him.

They can be very territorial.

Most bank robbers

and most witches are white.

I'm white.

I'm white.

- It doesn't represent us.

- (Witch cackling effect)

Wise words

from a white man, indeed.

I'm Brian Granway

for Granway Investigates

coming to you from Grouse Lake,

a broken community,

reeling from fear.

They may never recover.

- I think it's Witch

- Brian: ..Face.

I wouldn't mind a handout.

(groaning)

Female Anchor:

Thank you, Brian.

Chilling.

All: f*ck!

(audience applauding)

Wow.

Uh, uh

I, uh, I humbly accept this

humanitarian award in journalism

on behalf of the people

of Grouse Lake,

for I am the voice

of the voiceless.

But, uh

there is someone

I really need to thank.

Someone who's kept me going

all these years.

Giorgio, my tennis pro.

We did it, man!

We did it!

Ricky was different

He wasn't like the rest

'Cause this kid

has a bum heart

In his chest

The boy got advice

From a real deadly auntie

And this just in,

we've received the results

from Brady Clark's DNA test.

Turns out, 25 percent witch.

What?!

No!

The doctor said no

From the start

This kid can't have

An eagle heart

No!

His numbers are

Off the charts

'Cause this boy

Has animal parts