02x02 - To Catch a Rummager

[bunniefuu]

Roger: This is

Laughingstick in the Morning

with the Grouse Lake news.

Cousin Leon is back on the res

with elections underway.

Paul's got nowhere to stay,

but he swears

he's not a hobosexual,

and people say there's a bear

getting into peoples' stuff.

So, make sure

your trash is secure.

(sniffing)

(banging pot)

(grunting)

(banging pot)

♪ Cause I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

We're talking neechi politics

today as the campaign hears up.

Reminder that

Laughingstick in the Morning

is a completely impartial,

unbiased, totally neutral show,

and we're here with

my favourite candidate.

Old friend and nephew,

Cousin Leon.

Thanks, Uncle Roger.

Question.

How are you able to balance

being so funny and handsome

at the same time?

I don't think about

petty sh*t like looks,

but, I have to admit,

I'm also handsome on the inside.

(clapping)

Ever sick.

He's so far up Cousin Leon's a*s

you'd need hemorrhoid cream

to get rid of him.

The whole res just loves him.

It's Cousin Leon mania

out there.

Cousin Leon:

What am I going to do as chief?

I'm going to build

a bridge to Winnipeg,

because the price

of air is unfair.

Bam! Put that on a button.

(clapping)

You know what else?

We're going to toss out

the white man's clock-in

and make Indian time

standard time.

Just go to work

when you feel good.

Now you're talking

my language, neph.

I'm chill.

When I'm chief, you won't even

have to lock your doors.

Okay?

People's doors will

be unlocked 24/7.

Anyone can just stroll in.

Not to steal anything,

but to just look around.

For safety, right, Cousin Leon?

Yeah.

The community will be

safe in my hands.

After I grind my opponents down,

the community will

be safe and sound.

Button it.

(clapping)

Paul: Ah, sweet. Little Fatty's

Destructo Blaster?!

f*cking cool.

(whirring, beeping)

Hi, Mom.

Hello, Paultholomew.

Paultholomew?

You never call me

by my court name!

Oh, you can buy

anything you want, Brucey.

You only want that one

'cause I was looking at it.

Not even. I see it every day!

Here, take this one.

What? No way. It doesn't

even have auto-reload.

Great, first you take my mom,

then you take my g*n.

You need to just quit.

I just want the sweet g*n, man.

Then take the g*n,

and let me take my mom back.

What do you want, Brucey?

- I want this one.

- (scoffing)

Oh, nice!

Roger: The board is lighting up.

Caller, you're on.

I can't listen to this

bullshit from Leon anymore.

Mixed martial arts for elders.

Does he think we haven't

tried that already?

I'm going to march over there

and punch him straight

in his lie-hole

on air so everybody

could hear it.

What's your deal

with Cousin Leon?

He's a scammer-scammer.

He has a propensity to,

you know

Go to people's houses,

open drawers,

leaf through their things

when they're not around.

Are you saying he's a rummager?

That kind of accusation

can ruin someone's life.

It's not an accusation

if it's f*ck' true.

Cousin Leon's rummaging was

annoying at first.

A mild inconvenience.

It wasn't about taking things

for Cousin Leon.

It was about the touch,

the texture, the discovery.

We all rummage sometimes,

but Leon took it to

a whole 'nother level.

He once rummaged

through a kid's lunchbox.

Man: Hey!

What are you doing in my house?!

(hissing)

As a young councillor,

I reviewed Cousin Leon's case.

The band council resolution was

to kick him out for 10 years.

He was BCR'd?

I had to.

Those 10 years are up now

and he's back.

Look, I hate rummagers

as much as the next guy,

but we don't need mud-slinging

to win this election.

But I want a fluff piece

from Roger too!

Jo, you're not fluffy.

I'm as fluffy as

two-ply toilet paper.

I look at you, I see one--ply.

Fix your eyes, Lips.

I got plies coming out my a*s.

♪

Man, ever since that

new manager started

this place has gone to sh*t.

That's me. I'm the new manager.

Oh, I was just

making small talk.

Hey, uh, just a question.

What are you doing?

Uh, hopin' to take the staff

discount for a spin.

Oh, well, aren't you

forgetting something?

Uh Yeah, man.

What aisle are hot knives in?

Your shift, Dean.

Yeah, you have a very

important training session

on merchandising today. Woo!

Hey, man. I worked yesterday.

Is this job going to be,

like, a regular type thing?

Well, you are training

to be a full-time employee.

So, yeah, you work

pretty much every day.

Oh, yup. Sure.

Thank you.

So, does that mean that I--

Yeah, Dean, you have

to come in tomorrow.

God damn it.

What are you lookin' at, bro?

Two for flinching.

(beeping)

Don't f*ck with me.

(whispering)

Rita.

Psst. Rita. Rita.

You want to make

an easy $60 or what?

Okay, but I'm going to

need a getaway driver

and it better be

someone I can trust.

What? No!

I just need you to

pretend to be my mom

in front of my real mom.

Get her real jealous.

And no getaway driver?

Fine, but I need a ride home.

Fine, whatever.

If you pull this off,

I'll walk your bags home, deal?

Deal.

(groaning)

Jo, thank you for

coming in to talk about

your candidacy as chief.

Super happy to be here, Roger.

Okay, roads are bad.

When are we gonna get

some asphalt around here?

Well, the actual

cost of getting as--

(buzzing)

The f*ck?

Wrong answer. Cousin Leon is

building a bridge from Winnipeg.

What is this? A game show?

(buzzing)

Band politics is not a game.

Let's go to round two.

Has your experience

as councillor

prepared you for chief

or only given you

more power to bully?

I'm not a bully!

I'm fluffy, like toilet paper.

Touch that button and I'll tie

your fingers in a knot

like laces and throw you

over the telephone wire.

But no, I'm not a bully!

Kinda sounds like you're--

(buzzing)

Let's open the phone lines.

Random caller,

you're on the air.

Beanpole: Mavis here,

remember in high school when

you told everyone I was

on my moon time forever

and none of the boys

would date me?

You remember that?

Well, do you remember that?

Let it go, Beanpole.

The boys wouldn't date you

'cause you never

washed your hair

and you smell like moo.

You remember that?

Hey-hey! We're just asking

if you remember that.

You should try being more

transparent like that handsome

political juggernaut

Cousin Leon.

He's greasing you.

He's been wearing

that same cheap suit for

two days in a row now.

(gasping)

I am shocked.

This is balanced

non-parmesan radio.

That's a low blow.

Well, enjoy your parmesan radio,

you meatball.

(buzzing)

Oh, what's this, Rita?

You're going to

buy me this cool g*n?!

Of course, my little Pauly boy.

(whispering)

Nice work, nice work.

And you're going to let me eat

all these candies and chocolates

right before I go

to bed even though

I get deadly night terrors?

Put those back my boy.

I love you too much,

just like a real mum.

(groaning)

Rita, you're blowing it.

Go get some broccoli.

I say the same

thing to him, Rita.

He's such a stubborn boy.

Let's go, Brucey.

Sure thing, Paul's mom.

Oh, please. Call me Jo's mom.

Mom! Just take me back.

I've already learned my lesson!

You haven't learned anything.

Where's my 60 bucks, cheapass?

So, this is

the elder's lodge, eh?

Hah! Real nice!

(knocking)

Hah! Real wood. Hah!

You guys got bannock?!

Oh, real lucky.

You guys got satellite, too?

Holy smokes.

Well, I guess I'll wander off

into the dark bush

while you guys eat

your bannock and soup.

You guys watch

your satellite TV.

Should we at least offer him

some tea before he dies?

(sighing)

Why don't you stay

for some tea, boy?

(grunting)

Make some room, guy!

Why the hell's this boy here?

His mom kicked him out.

f*ck sakes.

Guess he's ours now.

Is that the right speed

you're supposed to be

doing that or what?

Looks a little slow to me.

(laughing)

Cousin Leon.

Hi, Jo.

I was just seeing where my stuff

will go after I become chief.

Chief of weenuks?

There's the real Jo.

Making weeknuk jokes.

f*ck off, Leon.

I've been working

my a*s off here

while you've been in

the city scamming people,

and you just come back

and want to be chief?

Didn't you hear the news?

I'm a changed man.

Drop the act.

You're a clown,

and this is a serious job.

How about I make you an offer?

You drop out of

the election now

and I'll let you come back

to the band office as

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe assistant moo cleaner.

How about I make you

a counter offer?

Can I interest you in these?

And these on the house.

Yeah.

Well, sit on it and leave.

It's "sit on it and rotate."

Dumbass.

Damn it!

♪

(dinging)

(door closing)

Sterling, come over here!

Holy.

Good thing I got my tickets

early to the g*n show.

Yeah, we're so frickin

jacked now it's crazy.

This guy broke his dad's wrist

just by shaking his hand.

Well, I'm calling in a favour.

I wish.

Today's back and lats day

and we're jonesing to

grip it and rip it.

M'yeah. You wouldn't

be jacked without me.

We miss one day

and it all goes to sh*t.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Get in the truck

and we'll go over the plan.

Damn kid's leaving

a mess in here.

Well, he's good at opening jars.

We haven't had

a pickle in months.

I could open that damn jar.

But you didn't.

Paul:

Hey! Whose bunk bed is in here?!

It's mine, and it's for storage!

Paul: I call top bunk!

No take-backs! No takesies!

You know what that boy needs?

A damn good licking!

(crashing)

Paul: f*ck! I broke it!

♪

Hope you're enjoying

your hot dog and pop.

(soft cheering)

One per person.

Beanpole's doing

a hot dog head count.

Okay, you've all had your meet,

now let's do the greet.

Ah, the youth.

The future.

Um

What will you do about the low

levels of education funding?

School's so long and boring.

Eight years for grade school?

Come on, it's like

a weapons charge.

When I'm chief,

I'll cut grade six.

- One, two, skip a few. Bam.

- (adults cheering)

Diploma time, baby.

Woman: Yeah!

How come you only have one suit?

(audience gasping)

Tough guy, eh?

All full of piss and creatine.

Tell you what else

you're full of.

Jo's bullshit.

(audience gasping)

Cutting grade six? Really?

How do you support this clown!?

(audience gasping)

You know,

I've seen prison violence.

g*ng violence.

I even saw muskrat violence.

They might have been f*cking,

I still don't know.

But this is the worst

kind of violence.

Lateral violence.

(audience agreeing)

Stop hiding

behind the youth, Jo.

Why're you even helping her?

She got us an exercise machine.

That's why we're so swole.

Stand up for a second,

would you?

(audience murmuring)

The machine doesn't

have a leg press.

What kind of chief would force

her community to skip leg day?

What else is she going to skip?

Indigenous Peoples' Day

Live on APTN?

I got a question.

How come you were BCR'd?

I've learned to embrace my past.

I even worked BCR

into my platform.

B, for the bravery

to do what no chief

or council has done before,

like building a bridge to

the city and cutting grade six.

Both are impossible!

C, for see? I told you so.

Jo's a bully!

And R.

Are you going to settle

for the same old sh*t?

(audience applauding, cheering)

Cousin Leon! Cousin Leon!

Stop eating, boy!

We gotta pray!

Actually, I'm going to

lead the prayer.

What?

Just let him try.

Yeah, man.

Take the night off, bro.

Big miigwetch!

I want to thank you, Creator,

for this amazing

food in front of us.

I also want to thank you for

finding me this cool place

to live as I recover from

my own mom abandoning me

on the street, for nothing!

And also, my girlfriend Rose.

She also abandoned me,

for nothing.

f*ck' just miss both of them!

You're not supposed

to swear, boy!

Yeah, so many rules.

Sit down!

You know what this boy needs?

Is a swift kick in the arse.

Rita: Ah.

(tsking)

Dean, quick question.

Can you tell me, what is

going on with the shelves?

Uh, well, you know,

I did that merchandising thing

and then I, uh, put everything

in alphabetical order.

Just like a LeeBerry.

Oh, okay. Dean, um, I don't

think you understood what we--

Let's see.

A for apples, avocados.

Sweet, there it is!

Arse wipe.

See? He gets it.

And what does Stephen Harper

know about living on the res?

But, Dean, some of

the food products have

Just come with me.

Apparently, you put

all of the ice cream

in the I section.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, Dean, it's all--

It's all melted now.

Whoa! Easy there,

Mr. Science Class.

Okay, and you put the ham

in the H section,

and now it's-- it's all turned.

(sniffing)

Well, just turn it back.

Oh, no. No, that's--

That's fine. Yeah, I got it.

(car door opening)

♪

I got you now,

you creepy rummaging b*stard.

(engine rumbling)

(dinging)

Hello, Grouse Lake.

We're going live in pursuit

of known rummager Cousin Leon.

Looks like he hasn't

changed his ways after all.

Some people never change.

Cousin Leon, turn around.

Slowly.

Why don't you show us

what you got there?

Oh. Hey, Jo.

Thanks for stopping by.

You mind helping me

with these

Campaign flyers?

What?

What are you doing?

Why aren't you rummaging?!

sh*t. Can you?

Listen, Dean, I've been

doing a lot of thinking.

Now, on the one hand,

your idea to sell

individual wieners

instead of the entire pack,

that has moved a lot of product.

That's the kind of

initiative we're looking for.

Yeah, man. Loosies.

Right, on the other hand,

your decision to

alphabetize the shelves,

that caused a lot of damage.

Man, you're still on about that?

Dean, I'm sorry,

but as per North Store policy,

I do need to discipline you.

Hey, man, why am I

in trouble when you hired

a dude who has no experience?

Well, Dean, I--

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Maybe I need to

discipline myself.

Okay, one week, no pay.

What about me?

One week, with pay,

because I like that you tried.

So, you're going to

send me home for one week,

with pay?

That's correct.

Oh, so it's like a vacation.

Oh, no, Dean. No, this is

a disciplinary action.

Cool, man. I get disciplication.

That's not a word.

Go away!

Oh hai, kick his arse.

♪

What're you doing?

Why are you just

putting on one moccasin?!

And why is it so scary looking?!

Ma! Ma!

(gasping)

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Just a long overdue lickin'.

(chuckling)

(wind howling)

(laughing maniacally)

♪ Warriors of the past ♪

♪ We comin', comin' back ♪

♪ This is Native trap-trap

and I suck at rap-rap ♪

♪ Yes, I drink and yes, I smoke,

and I love to lose control ♪

♪ f*ck your system,

f*ck your law ♪

♪ Watch me pull up,

where's my squad? ♪

♪ Squad ♪

♪ (Singing in

Indigenous language) ♪