02x09 - The Wolf of Paul Street

[bunniefuu]

(knocking)

What the fok?

(birds chirping)

(sniffing)

Mm.

♪

Rose, I can't believe

it's you.

(sniffing)

You smell like peaches,

and your skin, so soft.

Like marshmallows.

Stephen Harper!?

Paul, would you make me the

happiest fella

in Grouse Lake and be my

best man?

Nothing would make me happier,

than to say

"f*ck off, Stephen Harper!"

♪ Yes, I can love you, baby ♪

♪ All night long ♪

(siren blaring)

Chickadee, over megaphone:

Step out of the vehicle

and keep your hands

where I can see 'em.

Lips, it's me.

Roger from the radio!

I wasn't even

going that fast, man.

Chickadee:

Silence, criminal!

I'll be the judge of that.

Walk a straight line.

(chuckling)

(boys laughing)

Now, hop on one foot.

(boys laughing)

Faster, criminal!

(boys laughing)

Boy:

Get him to do the worm.

Chickadee: (whispering)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(over megaphone)

Now, do the worm.

(laughing)

(siren beeping)

(laughing)

Yo, he went full fugitive.

(boys snickering)

Oh, you think this is funny?

Well, yeah,

that's why we did it.

Well, it's not.

I'm absolutely livid.

Just cheesed.

Mm.

Chickadee, march your

little arse home right now.

I'll deal with you

when I get there.

And, you boys, tell your parents

to expect a phone call.

Go on!

Get out of here before I smash

your little heads together

like this thing on my desk.

That's actually

a Newton's cradle.

Shut up, Lips.

Everybody get out of here!

Go on!

♪

Folks, I know you've

probably heard the rumours

of Laughingstick's

run-in with the law,

and it's all true.

I did run away, and that does

make me look guilty,

but I assure you

Roger Laughingstick is innocent!

Lips:

Roger.

Oh, sh*t. It's the fuzz.

Hey, wait. Roger?

(typing)

Yo, we need to talk.

The fok?!

Are Rose and Stephen Harper

actually getting married

or are they just

f*cking with me?

Yeah, it's pretty real, bro.

Fokin' guy asked me to be

his best man at his wedding.

Do you know

how f*cked that is?

Kind of funny

if you ask me.

Well, you're the big cheese now,

and I'm calling in a favour.

I'm not making

their marriage ill*gal.

I'm not asking that.

I'm asking you to ban marriage.

Like, all of them.

As if!

Come on!

It's a white man's construct!

You really want to lose

our culture and our practices?

Is that what you want?

I'm going to tell you something

I've been telling you

your whole life.

Grow up.

This is the first

I've heard of this!

(grunting)

(slamming door)

♪

Paul:

Can you believe it?

Jo telling me that

I need to grow up

out of the blue

like that?

Have you even ever heard

of anything like that before?

Nah, man.

Now I'm pissed.

But hear me out,

forget about Jo.

Forget about Rose,

forget about Stephen Harper.

Yeah, and?

I forgot what

I was going to say.

- Fok, man.

- Oh, hey.

You're gonna go to Stephen

Harper's stag tonight, right?

Hell no!

Why would I support that

hate marriage!

Man, you gotta go.

I got the finest drip

in the entire north.

Okay, fine.

I'll go, but remember,

I still think Stephen Harper

is a giant tu'guy!

Stephen:

So, you're coming?

Yes! And have you put any more

thought into being my best man?

f*ck off,

Stephen Harper.

You got it!

(grunting, thudding)

Ow!

Chickadee, you are

grounded like pemican!

Get with the times!

You should've said

"grounded like taco beef."

Oh

(door slamming)

(sighing)

(phone line ringing)

Hey, Ernest.

It's Jo.

Ernest:

Hey, Jo, what's up?

We need to talk

about Chickadee.

(dance music playing)

(men cheering)

- Oh, man!

- You weren't kidding, bro!

Rose is going to

k*ll me when she finds out.

Oh, my heart.

Hey, Ed. This is your

first stripper or what?

Just don't fall in love.

(all laughing)

♪

(cheering, laughing)

Oh, Ed.

He's lookin' right at ya.

♪

Oh, look at that.

Ah, just lucky!

(chuckling)

(cheering)

(men oohing)

(cheering)

Slow down.

My heart.

Look at Ed.

He can't take it.

(laughing)

Men:

More! More! More! More!

More! More! More!

More! More! More!

More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More!

More! More! More! More! More!

More. More

(panting)

♪

I still get paid, right?

Dean:

What a night, man.

Felt like a dream.

I still can't believe

Ed's gone.

Man, that guy could mooch.

The best to ever do it.

He was the GOAT.

Makes you think, bro.

One day you're

a frail old mooch,

and then, poof,

the next day you're gone.

(knocking)

(grunting)

(both screaming)

Paul:

It's the walking Ed!

Dean:

Don't let him bite you!

Whoa, easy.

I'm Ed's twin brother.

I didn't know Ed

had a twin.

That's right.

I'm the handsome one.

You must be Paul and Dean.

How come we never

met you before, bro?

Left for the city

years ago.

Wait a minute.

How do we know you're not

Ed just trying to f*ck with us?

Yeah, if you're

really Ed's brother,

say something

only Ed would say.

Can I borrow five bucks?

That checks out.

I'm here on business.

You were both in Ed's will.

He wanted to

make sure you got back

a bunch of stuff

that he mooched off you.

Your first USB.

Has Thunderheart on it.

Holy fok,

I've been looking for this!

I had the flip.

Now I have the flop!

My brother was a mooch,

but he was no thief.

Yeah, but he died before he

gave us any of our stuff back.

I feel like we're

splitting hairs, man.

My brother was

a complicated guy.

Well, I gotta run.

(door closing)

That was so weird.

(sniffing)

What's that smell?

When I saw Ed, I, uh

I sh*t my pants.

Oh.

(chuckling)

We'll just go get the hose.

Chickadee:

Ma, I need $20 for a pop.

I've never been

this thirsty in my life

and I'm f*cking scared my--

- Dad?

- Hey, Chickpea.

Chickadee:

Good to see you, Dad.

So, your father

and I agreed that,

while I ease into my new job,

he would stay here

to keep an eye on you.

Right, Ernest?

Right. Which doesn't

mean we can't have fun.

Hm.

Can I-- Can I talk

to you for a sec?

Mm-hm.

You can't be serious.

Oh, I am serious.

Sterling got grounded,

but we both know that

won't work for you.

As if.

As if my jeet. You'll just

grease your way out of it.

Yeah, I thought that

was the understanding.

You did, did you?

Well, my girl,

this is the price you pay

for being a little shithead!

But I don't want to

spend time with Dad!

Me and two of the Jacked Teens

were supposed to smash stuff!

Well get this.

Wherever you go, he goes.

Fine. Do I get that

pop money or what?

Oh, this one's going to

turn into Paul, I swear.

Well, Ernest,

she's all yours.

Mm-mm-mm!

Ma, I've been doing a lot

of thinking since Ed died,

and I'm thinking

it's time to grow up.

I'm tired of everyone thinking

that I'm a spoiled giant baby.

Is that gas bubble

moved out of your tum-tum yet?

Nope. Not yet.

Keep pumping.

Have you thought any more about

being Stephen Harper's best man?

Yeah, that's a hard pass.

That would show

some growing up.

What do you mean?

Well, it means

you've moved past it.

Hm. I'm starting to think

this is all your fault.

- (stomach grumbling)

- Ooh! That was a good one!

It's almost through.

You spoil me

way too much!

I'm like milk

that's gone bad.

Nobody wants to

drink me anymore.

I barely spoil you.

Ma, enough is enough.

It's time to show

the world that I'm a real man.

(stomach gurgling)

(farting loudly)

Yeah!

(both laughing)

That was a good boogid,

my son.

Whoo, I feel great.

Watch out, world!

Here comes Man Paul!

Whoo.

That was a good one.

♪

(knocking)

(screaming)

Oh, Ed!

Hang on,

I'm Ed's twin brother.

Oh. Oh.

I'm so sorry.

(laughing)

I didn't catch your name.

It's actually Ed.

Your parents

named you both Ed?

I'm Edwin.

He was Edlose.

These are a few of

the things that Ed borrowed

from the band office.

Time that they

found their way back.

I haven't seen this in ages.

Edwin: There's something

else I need to show you.

This is Edlose's will.

Jo:

Ed had a will?

He left everything

to the band office,

and, as you'll see,

he was extremely wealthy.

Oh, f*ck off.

Yeah, I know.

I'm as surprised as you.

Turns out he was able to save a

fortune with all that mooching.

I, uh, don't know what to say.

This is

a lot of money.

I'm sure you'll know

what to do with it.

I'm around

if you need me.

(Rose screaming)

(groaning)

Rose:

Aim for the head!

Jo: Don't worry, Rose!

It's Ed's twin!

Roger:

This is Laughingstick,

coming to you on the run

from a secret location.

Sure, I didn't have my seatbelt

on when Lips pulled me over,

but that's no big deal!

Someone is

setting me up,

and this probably goes

all the way up to the top,

but if anyone

can clear my name,

it's good old

alive-and-well Ed.

Ed, I need you now

more than ever, buddy.

(twigs snapping)

Gotta go, Grouse Lake.

I hear something in the bush.

The fok?

Why are you wearing a suit?

It's 'cause

I'm a working man now.

Okay.

This is for

your wedding thingy.

Thanks?

There's something old,

something new,

something borrowed,

and something blue.

Ah, that's an old bracelet

you left at my house.

It doesn't even

fit me anyway.

Are these

your weekend chips?

Nah, those are

your weekend chips.

And this must be

something borrowed?

Yup.

It's my old sex sweater.

I'm thinking you

and Stephen Harper can borrow it

until you find your own.

Okay.

And of course,

something blue.

I hope you

and Stephen Harper

have a long

and happy life together.

Thanks, Blue.

Can I have a freezie now?

Of course.

A deal is a deal.

Thanks, Paul.

I just want you to be happy.

And if you need me, I'll be down

the hall in Jo's old office.

Just doing grown up sh*t.

Yo, Chickadee,

why you look all sad-arse?

I'm just not feeling it.

How can you

not feel this?

Nuh-uh!

Not without these you don't.

So annoying!

Oh, now, before you guys

go swinging those bats,

let me show you

how to do things safely.

I used to do this

as a kid myself,

but instead of hitting

glass bottles we used softballs,

because we used to do

things like play sports.

We've done this

a thousand times.

Yeah, but somebody could get

a piece of glass in the face.

That's literally

never happened.

Step aside.

- (glass shattering)

- Ooh!

Okay, well. Not sure

what's so fun about that,

but I'm just here

to supervise.

Uh, Dad?

Yeah, what's up?

Never mind.

Don't forget the goggles.

♪

- How's your face, Dad?

- (camera clicking)

Oh, should heal nicely,

I hope.

Never gave myself

stitches before.

What the hell did you

do to your father?

It's not actually

Chickadee's fault. It's--

It's Grouse Lake's fault.

There's not a heck of a lot

for kids to do around here.

Yeah, except

get into trouble.

Which leads me to

an interesting idea.

I want Chickadee to come

live with me in Edmonton.

Uh, what?

I can keep an eye on her

when she's in school.

Uh, what?

Oh, you got blood

coming out your bandage.

Uh, what?

Paul, you gotta come see this!

What the f*ck?

- You look like Dilbert.

- (dogs barking)

The bus driver

from Bloodvein?

- No. The comic.

- (jazz playing on radio)

Sounds like child stuff.

Who cares? There's two dogs

outside doing it.

- Come on, it's hilarious!

- I told you, I'm busy.

Dean:

Bro, you're missing out.

One dog is huge

and the other one's tiny.

Come on, let's go!

Bro, the dogs are doing it

and now they're stuck.

Stuck together?

It's too early in

the season for that.

Okay. No! I can't.

I can't. I can't.

Dean:

Paul, where'd you go, bro?

(dogs barking)

The big dog's dragging

the small dog around

and now they're stuck, man.

We gotta hose 'em down!

(dogs barking)

- (turning music volume up)

- Ever slack.

♪

Okay, I wasn't ready

for this.

Chickpea, if you come

with me to Edmonton

you can stay with me

while you're in school.

But Edmonton sucks.

It's like Winnipeg, but with

oil riggers and truck nuts.

Okay, good point,

then it's back to living

with your house parents

in Winnipeg.

But Winnipeg sucks.

It's like Edmonton,

but with potholes

and pawn shops.

Okay, third option.

You drop out of high school,

I build an attachment,

and you do nothing

with your life

like your stupid

Uncle Paul.

I pick that.

You can't pick that!

It was a joke!

You guys are a joke.

(door slamming)

Lips, I'm ready

to turn myself in.

Roger, there you are.

And yes, I'll name names in

exchange for a lighter sentence.

What?

You've been a worthy adversary.

All I ask is go easy on me.

Bro, listen,

Chickadee set you up.

You didn't do

anything wrong.

What?

She pulled you over

in my car.

You okay?

I'd cry but I'm too

dehydrated to make tears.

(weeping)

See?

Pointless.

Okay, let's hear your pitches

for what to do with Ed's money.

A smokehouse.

You know, for meats.

Pass.

A water slide park.

Pass!

A Lou Diamond Phillips

film festival.

Pass.

A detention facility for teens

who like to prank radio DJs.

Pass?

Did ya heard? Ed died

and left a bunch of money.

Yeah, we know that, Rita.

His brother looks

just like him.

That's all of them.

My brother always

wanted a monkey zoo.

Maybe we just put

the money towards that.

(knocking)

Hey, Jo. Gonna go home early.

You totally don't even

work here, so go ahead?

Also, I couldn't

help but overhear

all the pitches

for Ed's money,

and it got me thinking

about Chickadee's situation,

and I started

crunching the numbers,

and it turns out, we could use

Ed's money to help renovate

the old abandoned high school.

That way the high schoolers

and Chickadee wouldn't have to

leave the Rez.

You could also name the high

school Ed High.

(laughing)

Anyway, see you tomorrow!

I think

my sh*t-for-brains brother

might be on to something.

Hey, wait.

Before you go, I just wanted

to say sorry for tripping out.

That's okay.

I know how much

you love living here.

Thanks for being

cool about this.

No problem.

Love you, sweetie bird.

Love you too, Neebaba.

(horn honking)

That's my ride.

Be back in a couple months.

Remember, be safe.

Boy:

Yo, Chickadee.

Wanna sh**t apples

off each others' heads?

Uh, I don't know.

That sounds pretty dangerous.

So, uh,

better put these on.

f*ck yeah!

Roger: This is

Laughingstick in the afternoon,

coming to you

as a free man.

If it's one thing I'm guilty of

it's loving my job.

Now that I'm back in my seat,

what do you say

we play some tunes

in honour of my old pal Ed?

This is

Danny Keemootch with

"I Hope Heaven

Has a Pawn Shop."

♪

♪ Everything went right ♪

♪

Stephen:

Flower petals?

♪

♪ Yes, I know ♪

Stephen Harper.

I've decided I will

be your best man,

for I am no longer a boy.

I am a man.

I am the best man.

Oh, Paul!

♪ live without you ♪

(chuckling)

♪ For some strange reason ♪

♪ I need someone to care ♪

♪

♪ I wonder if you realize ♪

♪ Just how you make me feel ♪

♪ When you say your

love for me is not real ♪

♪ I love you even when

you're mad and you throw ♪