01x17 - Big Bro Po

[bunniefuu]

- And now dreamworks' kung fu panda: legends of awesomeness.

[Gong rings]

- hear the legends of the kung fu panda [Scatting]

raised in a noodle shop never seeking glory or fame he climbed the mountaintop and earned the dragon warrior name Ooh! Ahh! Yah! kung fu panda [Scatting]

master shifu saw the warrior blossom and master the skills of bodacious and awesome kung fu panda [Scatting]

he lives and he trains and he fights with the furious five protect the valley something something something something alive Ooh! Yah! Ungh! kung fu panda legends of awesomeness Sweet! - [Grunting]

[Heavy thuds]

- Dad, are we almost there? - Yes, no thanks to you.

[Grunts]

you could give me a hand With this you know, bian zao.

- Do i have to? - [Sighs]

the oracle said I shouldn't tell you what you have to do, Because self-Esteem can't be optimized Without sufficient personal-Decision latitude.

However, it would be very nice of you To offer your father some help.

- But i don't have to? - [Grunts]

no! [Panting]

- Dad, some guys are here to see you.

- [Chewing]

hey there.

- Let's do this.

[Grunts]

[All grunting]

[Evil laugh]

[Laughs]

oh! - [Grunts]

Ooh! - [Laughs]

behold! You are no match For my iron claws of doom! - [Sighs]

- [Grunts]

- Ooh! - [Laughs, screams]

Ooh! - And now, panda-- What? [Metallic squeaks]

Bian zao, i told you to lubricate the claws! - No, you asked me if i would do you a favor And lubricate the claws.

- [Growls]

I hate this part.

[Series of screams, crashes]

Waa! [Crash]

- It's chor ghom prison for you, taotie.

- That's just great! [Clank]

Now i gotta go down all these stairs? - Awesome job, guys.

Looks like i'm going to be early for my nap.

- Uh, what about him? - [Sighs]

- He didn't really do anything.

You can skedaddle, junior.

You're free to go.

- Where? - Away.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- Great.

- Great.

- Perfect! - That's what i said! - I'm going.

- Go.

- Gone! - Anywhere you want.

- I'll be gone.

- Just go.

- Here i go.

- Good.

- Oh, whatever, dumpling boy! - you're the dumpling boy! [Thunderclap]

[Yawns]

Hmm? What? - The storm keeping you up too? - Huh? No.

I mean, yes.

I mean, ugh! He's still out there, taotie's kid.

- I see.

We're going down there.

- Sweet! Farewell, squatter.

Free ride's over, bian zao.

Shifu, let him have it.

- Bian zao.

- Whatever.

- As the master of the jade palace - Ha-Ha.

- I invite you to come inside.

- Bow! You hear that, pal? You gotta--Wha-- Come inside? I'm sorry, we're doing what now? - We're bound by tradition, po.

His father studied with me here.

And while we may not accept taotie's actions, We accept his legacy-- Bian zao.

[Gong rings]

- [Sips]

- But he's a bad guy.

Well, bad-Ish.

We can't just have him walk around the jade palace Without supervision.

- Indeed.

That's why you are in charge of him.

Both: what? - See what you can do.

Maybe you can reform him.

- I'll try, but he's pretty hopeless.

[Sips]

- So at first, i was like, "Me, a babysitter? I'm the dragon warrior, Not the baby warrior sitter guy.

" Then i thought, "bian zao and i Are probably about the same age.

" So how old are you? - 13.

- Okay, so we're a lot not the same.

Anyway i say Let's make a clean start and have some fun.

- How about you just put me in jail? - First off, i'm gonna call you bz, 'Cause it's cool, and you're cool.

What do you think, bz? - Lame.

- All righty, so there's the hall With the training equipment your dad built.

- Lame.

- And this is where we put all your dad's machines Every time we defeat him.

Getting pretty full in here.

- Lame.

- Showers, latrine, kitchen.

- Lame, lame, lame.

- Is there anything you don't think is lame? - [Mumbling]

i don't know.

- You know what? We're gonna find something.

And if anyone knows what's un-Lame, It's the po-Man.

Yeah, bz and the po-Man, having fun, right? Right, bz? The beezmaster? Beezy-Weezy po-Por-Eezi? Ha-Ha.

- I hate you so much right now.

- Behold! - Dolls? - They're action figures! Don't ever call themdolls! Let me show you.

[Kung fu shouts]

You're not playing.

[Kung fu shouts]

More fun when you play.

[Kung fu shouts]

Ka! I'm telling you, dad, he doesn't like anything.

- Oh, po.

You used to hate everything but kung fu.

However, there was one thing you showed interest in.

- [Hums]

Andvoila! - Baking? Like making cookies and cakes and junk? L-A-M-- [Grunts]

[Mumbling, swallows]

This is pretty good.

- Darn tooting.

Po and i loved to bake together When he was a boy.

[Chuckles]

We still do, don't we? Who's a good boy? - [Laughs]

- Who's a good boy? - [Laughs]

- Okay, son.

Teach him well.

But don't give him the mooncake recipe.

Family secret.

- So you, like, do stuff With your dad on purpose? - Sure.

All the time.

I mean, you only get one dad.

- Does he make you go with him When he tries to conquer the world? - Uh, my dad doesn't really conquer stuff.

- My dad spends all his time building machines To destroy the jade palace and, you know, you.

I just wish me and dad could hang out without, You know, trying to blow something up.

- Hey.

Your dad's got nothing but time to hang out, Now that he's in jail.

You should go visit him.

And you could bake him a cake to break the ice! Yes! Score one for the po-Man.

Up high.

- Whatever.

[Keys jingle]

[Footsteps]

- Son? - Yes.

and he baked you a cake Okay, i baked it, but i'm gonna teach him how.

- I'm so glad to see you, son.

Uh Do you mind? - Oh, right.

You probably want some private time together.

You don't want some guy standing here While you're trying to-- - Do you mind? - I'll just go now.

- Sothose buffoons are treating you okay At the jade palace? - I guess.

That lame panda wants to teach me how to bake.

- Huh? Baking? You know, i once made A 30-Foot tall mechanical cream puff That shot flaming custard out of its-- Son? - All you ever do is work, talk about work, Work some more, and then figure out Why your work never works.

It's-- - Lame? You're right, son.

Being a half-Crazed megalomaniac takes up a lot of my time.

But if you help me break out of here, I promise we'll have some decidedly Non-Diabolical "us" time.

- Promise? - Promise.

Now you bake those cakes with the panda, Then sneak me the pieces of my iron claws of doom, And i'll bust out of here.

- This isn't just some way you can go wreak vengeance And stuff, is it? - Nope, just you and me, Doing regular dad-Son stuff.

Laugh with me, son.

Ha-Ha! - [Begrudging laugh]

[Keys jingle]

[Door creaks]

- Hey, thereyou.

Um, settling in okay? - Yes, sir.

- [Sighs]

- Soare you ready to embark On the awesome adventure that is baking? Ooh! - Whatev--I mean, [False enthusiasm]

yes, let us embark, For i am excited.

- [Hums]

we're baking, we're baking don't know what we're making look, my butt is shaking while we're baking, baking, baking Bian zao, check this out.

stoking the fire stoking the fire [scat singing]

stoking the fire [Softly]

stoking the fire [With gusto]

stoking the fire [Bellows puffs]

And Voila! Look at that beauty.

Now don't feel bad if yours doesn't-- Wow, bz! Nice! I'm proud of you.

- You're what? - Proud.

- Never heard that from my dad.

- I'm sorry, what? - I'm sorry, wha-- I said, "lame.

" - stoking the fire - You the panda, po! - No, sir.

You the duck! - Hi, po.

- Hey, um, po, When you walk around town, People don't throw stuff at you.

- Well, why would they? - They throw stuff at my dad.

- Well, he does, you know, attack people With giant, evil contraptiony machines That destroy things, Which is something i try to avoid.

- Yeah.

You know, you're not completely lame.

[Clinking spoon]

- stoking the fire stoking the fire [scat singing]

[Softly]

stoking the fire - stoking the fire [Door clanks]

[Scat singing]

Both: stoking the fire [Both scat singing]

stoking the fire Both: stoking the fire - Son, thanks to you, One more piece, and the iron claws of doom Will be more powerful than ever.

I--I'm proud of you.

- [Soft grunt]

You're like the little warthog brother i never had.

- 'Cause of you, things are better with me and my dad.

I mean, when he gets out of jail-- - [Maniacal laughter]

Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! [Evil laughter]

[Knife sharpening]

You carve, son! After all, this meal is all Because of you.

- I can't do it.

I can't bring this to my dad.

- What got up his exhaust vent? - I don't know.

- Po.

- What? I wasn't gonna eatmuch.

- Bian zao made that for his father.

What if you baked a cake for me? Would you want someone else to eat it? - Lame.

[Door slides]

- Son.

You're finally-- - Hey, there.

- You? - Bian zao couldn't make it.

- Youbrought me a cake? - Is this awkward? - Not at all! I have loads of archenemies who bring me baked goods.

At last! Freedom! [Titters]

is what eating this cake Will be like a little taste of.

- Yeah, well, enjoy your freedom.

Bye.

[Door slides shut, locks]

- Thanks for the cake, dragon warrior.

What a shame i'll be using it To obliterate you! [Evil laugh]

[Muted bump]

- [Panting]

[Strong exhale]

- Um, po? I got to tell you something.

- [Grunts]

hang on.

I just walked all the way To chor ghom prison and back.

[Grunts]

- You what? - Your dad really appreciated that cake.

He said, uh-- - You took the cake to my dad? Oh, no! Game over, man.

- What's the big deal? - That's what i got to tell you.

There was something in the cake.

- Ain't no laws when you got the claws! And they are lubricated this time, baby! Lubricated! - Taotie is coming! - What? - We put him in jail.

- I know, but i just brought him The last piece he needed To rebuild the iron claws of doom! - You brought him the last-- Wait.

Where did he get the other ones? - Itricked po, And smuggled the pieces in to my dad.

- Yeah, you did.

And that was-- - Lame.

- Big deal.

Taotie's never Been able to beat us before.

- He says his iron claws are more powerful than ever.

- It's possible he'll never make it here.

He's here.

[Boom]

- Hello, son.

Glad you could be here to witness the debut Of my new, improved, super-Lubricated Iron claws of doom.

You see? Continually self-Lubricating.

[Liquid swishes]

Isn't it awesome? - Dad, you said-- - I know but when we're done here, We'll go skip some rocks And play a sporting activity.

Now duck! By the way, Thanks to you all for caring for my son.

Now eat chain! [All grunting]

- Hiyah! - Yah! Yah! [Grunting]

[Chains clink]

- This is fairly undignified.

- [Groans]

- Hyah! [Grunts]

Ooh! - [Gasps]

oof! [Chains clink]

- Nopapanda.

I'll handle this.

[Bang]

or you can handle it.

- Stay here and keep down.

'Cause with any luck there's going to be Machine parts flying everywhere in a second.

- But i want to help.

- Help who? - Son! [Clanking]

ugh! [Clanking]

dang! Out of chains! Looks like we'll have to fight, Mano aclaw-O Yah! - [Grunts]

Ah! Man! What are those iron claws of doom made of? - Iron.

- Oh, thought it was just a name.

I mean, i'm the dragon warrior, But i'm not made of dragon.

[Yells]

[Grunts]

- Come on! Is that all you got? - Not quite.

- Yah! - [Growls]

[Clang]

yah! - [Maniacal laughter]

- [Kung fu shout]

- Po! - Whah! [Evil laugh]

- Dad! Po! - [Growls]

- Ah! [Both grunting]

- It would seem we're evenly matched.

- Need something to shift the balance.

- Yeah.

Help me.

I'm your father! - Help me.

I'm your buddy! - I gave you life! - I gave you a cool nickname! - I'll raise your allowance! - I'll give you the mooncake recipe! - Oh, man! Moral dilemma.

Lame! - Way to go! You scared him off! - Me? You're the one Who was all, "i gave you life!" That's just creepy.

[Blast]

- Son! - Bz? Yes! Air attack! - Dad, grab on! - What? Ooh! - [Maniacal laughter]

You are the greatest son in the world! - And you are the greatest dad inthe family.

- Okay.

Now swoop down by his melon head, so i can-- - Oops! I accidentally knocked something loose, On accident.

- What the-- Not the lubrication hose! Oh! Oh, and i was winning too! - Sorry.

- Thanks, buddy.

- They're getting away.

- They'll be back.

But we did some good here today.

We brought a family closer together.

- You're too high! - Whatever, dad.

- Lower! Lower! [Screams, grunts]

- Uh, sort of.