(upbeat music)
That's five minutes.
You have five minutes remaining.
(clock ticking)
(tense music)
(ruler hits floor)
(plaster peels)
Ah!
That's thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds as verified by Ben's watch
Huh?
Just finish your final answers please.
Right, that's it! Pens down, everyone!
Tony Gregory, Louise Stanton,
and Ben Hardy come and see me
in my office immediately, please.
You can wait for me
outside in the corridor.
(tense music)
Inaudible (sh*t)
Ben, how'd it go?
I'm not sure, Luce.
That wasn't too bad was it?
- Well you'll get an A+ then.
- Hmm.
Did your parents agree on a name?
Oh, yeah, Rolex.
They named your baby
brother after a watch?
(giggles) Yeah, I know it's obscene.
(both laugh)
Poor kid, they're not even celebrities.
Yeah.
Anyway, I can't keep
Miss Bushnell waiting.
Why?
I'm not sure.
(tense music)
Have you kids seen a set of house keys?
What have you done?
My little brother Shaun's
been coming here with me
whilst they rebuild his old school
after Shaun set fire to it.
He keeps putting his hand
down the back of whoever
sits in front of us on the bus.
I told him to knock it off,
but he did it again this morning.
And you?
I uh... Not sure.
Probably because I was late.
You had the last of the milk.
I can't have my cereal dry.
I can't have my tea Black, can I?
What am I Persian?
I can't have black tea.
That's a habit of a lifetime.
All right, I'll get some more milk.
In a bottle?
Yes, in a bottle.
Cartons, they're not right.
And I haven't got any money,
don't get my allowance till Wednesday.
Mrs. Ali might give us credit until then.
Yeah, or you could get a part-time job
instead of wasting your time
hanging around that garage.
Can't even drive. I can't drive anymore.
When I was your age, I had a job,
second to the foreman on the site.
Hod carrier. Twelve stone of
bricks, half a dozen ladders..
And then health and
safety came along and...
It did your back in.
No, it wasn't that.
It was pushing your mother's wheelchair
five years on and off buses.
She popped off, I popped a hernia.
For God's sake, stop blaming Mum!
I don't, I blame you.
Oh, I'm sorry it's just...
Bless Janet.
She didn't stand a chance, brain tumor.
If you pulled your weight,
we wouldn't be in this mess,
no milk.
I'll be late for my maths exam.
You're no good at maths.
Maybe.
But I need to pass all my exams, then...
Then I'll set things right.
I'll be in the funny farm by then.
- There you go.
- Thanks, Miss.
(knocks on door)
Come in.
Ben.
Come here please.
(plaster rips)
Very ingenious, but I filmed you cheating
on my mobile phone.
Take a seat.
Well...
I don't know what came over me, Miss.
I've never done it before.
I'm sorry, Miss.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
You do realize that all
your examination results
will now be invalidated.
Well, can I re sit the exam?
Please?
Mm, I'm afraid once
you're caught cheating,
you're ineligible for resits.
I didn't mean to.
It's just, I can't not go to uni.
Usually this sort of thing would go
straight to the headmaster
and the examination board
and bye-bye future life.
However...
there may be an alternative.
What? Really?
Well, I could put your
papers back in with the others
before they get sealed and
sent off to the examination board
on Monday morning.
You'd do that?
If you did me a little favor,
then we could delete this evidence
and forget that it ever happened.
What do I have to do?
Meet me in the car park after school
and we'll take it from there.
That will be all for now.
Oh, and, Ben?
It goes without saying
that this stays between us, hmm?
(school bell rings)
Hey, hang on, Ben.
Are you avoiding me?
Are you still going with me
to the uni applicants day?
I didn't agree. (Sighs)
Look, something's come up so...
Ugh! What is it?
I can't talk about it now, but...
I'm not going to be able
to make it, Luce, I'm sorry.
So when were you gonna tell me?
I mean, this is our
future we're talking about.
Yours maybe...
mine, I don't know.
What are you on about?
You've already got an offer.
Yeah, conditional in
me getting an A in maths.
You'll just have to wait and see.
Look... I might not be
able to make it after all, Luce.
I've got other things
I've got to take care of.
Like?
Ben, why don't you talk to me?
You never open up, about anything.
I'm not like the others.
I fell for you because you're different.
You'd be better off with somebody normal.
No matter how much I plan for life,
it always has a habit of sucker punching me
when I least expect it.
Is it something to do with your stepdad?
I'll handle it.
I've got to go.
Why were you in Ms. Bushnell's office?
Why won't you leave me alone?
Don't worry about it.
As long as you go along with my plan,
everything will be fine.
Here, secure this for me.
Have you seen those keys?
What keys?
I'm supposed to clean a house in Moortown
over the weekend.
Unless I find those keys, I'm buggered.
I haven't seen any keys. Sorry, Bob.
I could've sworn I had them with me
when I went to clear
that blockage in the sink
in the staff room.
In fact you were kind enough
to hold my jacket for me
so I could get my arm around the U bend.
Then later on when I checked
my pocket, they'd gone.
I'm sure they'll turn up.
No spares?
The owners are away in Orlando.
They're due back on Monday.
It's gotta be clean by then.
Sorry.
If you see those keys,
give me a shout, eh?
Will do.
See you later.
Put that on the left, will you?
Ben,
you don't know your left from your right?
Yet the English teacher said that
your essay on Sherlock Holmes
was one of the best things she'd ever read.
What? You want me to solve a crime?
On the contrary, my dear Watson.
I want you to call this
number as a Mr. Dark.
Ask to speak to David Denby.
Tell him you want him to come round
and evaluate your house in Moortown,
at 11 o'clock sharp.
Tell them that the previous estate agents
couldn't sell it or something.
Right.
And here are the keys.
The address is on the back.
You meet him there at 11 o'clock,
and I'll take it from there.
And that's it?
We'll call it quits and
you'll let my paper through?
Mm-hmm. On you go.
(door opens)
(knocking at door)
(doorbell rings)
Morning.
David Denby from Denby & Co Estate Agents,
to see Mr. Dark?
Are your parents in?
What? Um, no.
I've come to do a market
appraisal on the house.
Doesn't look much lived in!
Oh, we've already
moved most of our stuff out.
Including the hoover?
Anyway, your name and
how long you've been here?
I'm just, uh, Justin...
Dark? Justin Dark?
Yeah, yeah, pretty much.
Yes. Contact number?
I got cut off from your father yesterday.
Well, if you give me your
card, I'll make sure he gets it.
(tense music)
Now, the basement.
Oh, there isn't one.
There's a beautiful bathroom though!
Nonsense!
Unless you've put your parents
down there and bricked it up,
all the houses on this
street have got a basement.
Ah, basement door.
Oh, yeah. I've just got a lot
on at the moment, you know?
- Exams?
- What?
You must be taking your A levels?
Yeah. No, no.
Well I mean, we've finished them all now.
Um...
How did you know?
Well, my neighbor's
daughter's just sitting hers,
so you probably go to the same school.
Josie Taylor. Know her?
No, I don't.
I go to a different school.
Why?
Why what?
Why would you go to a different school
when this house is 500 yards away
from the best state school in the county?
Oh, is it?
I mean, no, of course it is.
My dad just wanted me
to go to his old school.
Which is?
Which is some distance from here.
Right.
(tense music)
Right, I need the box to the left,
the mattress to the right.
I Need a clear line of
sight for my measure.
Well, go on, Justin.
I haven't got all day.
Can't you just do an approximation.
What, and risk another court case?
No,
box to the left, mattress to the right.
I'll do it.
(suspenseful music)
(bat hits head)
Oh sh*t!
What the hell?
- Tie him up!
- What?
Tie him up before he comes to.
I'm not gonna tie him up.
You'll tie him up,
otherwise, I'll press send
and that little act of
yours yesterday goes viral.
WhatsApp, and guess
what's at the end of it:
The headmaster and the exam board.
Uh, I've got copies saved to the cloud
so don't even think about it.
Get on with it!
Who is this guy?
I thought he was an estate agent.
He's one part estate agent
and three parts cheating b*stard,
divorcing me for some big titted floozy
he's shagging at the office.
He's a Denby and you're a Bushnell?
It made sense to keep
my maiden name for work.
Right, so what are you gonna do with him?
Oh, for god sake, you're
starting to sound like him.
Look, my deadline for
signing those divorce papers
is Monday morning.
I just want to ask him a few questions,
such as, "Why the hell is he leaving me?"
I don't mean no disrespect, Miss,
with you being a teacher and that,
but there's easier ways of
asking somebody questions
than tying them up.
Oh really?
Couldn't you have phoned him
or used your frigging
WhatsApp or something?
Not when you're dealing
with someone this evil.
I want him to admit to my face
that he's been shagging this Jess,
and retract his statement
that I'm the cheat
in this divorce petition.
I want what's rightfully
mine in the settlement.
Telling me he's been working overtime
when really he's been bonking that b*tch
in every house he's got up for sale!
Yeah, that's kinky,
but this is kidnapping,
which is a crime!
And this whole thing's messed up!
Look, Ben, I need to take back the power.
Martin Luther King once said,
"There comes a time
when one must take a
position that is neither safe
nor political nor popular.
But you must do it
"because your conscience
tells you that it's right."
I don't recall any mention
of kidnap and t*rture!
Well, we all have different ways
of dealing with adversity.
I need to find my inner warrior.
By knocking your ex
husband's front teeth out?
I wouldn't do that.
Think he'll suffocate?
No, it just makes sense that
if you want somebody
to answer your questions,
you've got a better chance of hearing them
if their mouth isn't sealed shut.
Excellent, Ben.
I knew you'd be the
perfect a*s a*s..eh..istant.
But,
I need him to listen to every word
I've got to say for once.
I don't want him
interrupting me all the time.
Right, I should get home
while you and hubby have a chat.
Eh You're not going anywhere.
Well, you two have
personal terms to discuss.
Uh-uh, I need you as a witness.
To the kidnapping?
To the confession.
I thought you was gonna
record it and WhatsApp it.
What is it...
- Yeah, as proof.
But I still need your
signature to the retraction.
Can't he just say he gave
the statement under duress?
Why, are you planning on
lighting coals under his ba*ls?
No, I just want him to tell me to my face
why he wants to be my ex?
Honestly, I have to go, I've
got a lot on at the moment.
Oh, like coming up with new
and ingenious ways to cheat, I suppose?
Look,
something you missed
is that I have got this sort
of dyslexia for numbers.
Dyscalculia?
Well, why didn't you tell the school?
We have a support system in place
to help with learning difficulties.
Yeah, but not for the endless bullying
I'd have suffered once that got out.
Any sort of disability, you get picked on,
and it sticks with you through
your whole educational life.
I didn't even tell my stepdad.
Arithmetic, I found a way of coping with,
but algebra, the formulas,
they get mixed in my head.
I'd say maybe you're a
bit too proud to let people in.
Nevertheless, it doesn't release you
from finishing the job
for which I hired you for.
I didn't agree to kidnapping
someone, trussing them up,
and interrogating them like
some Guantanamo prisoner.
No, no, no!
You only need to use
force if he fails to cooperate.
My folks'll be worried sick.
Oh, step dad's holding
a candlelit vigil, hmm?
It's obvious you don't
know that lad too well.
He never keeps his word.
He's always letting me down.
He never got no milk yesterday.
This morning he was
supposed to go and get two pints,
and there's no sign of him.
Tried to make me drink black tea.
Black tea, break the habit
of a lifetime, drink black tea.
Aren't you worried why
he's not come home yet?
His phone's going to voicemail.
He's always down that garage,
playing with cars.
He can't drive.
They don't pay him anything.
He seems to think he gonna save our bacon.
Well, I tried there.
They haven't seen him either.
We were supposed to go to
the uni applicants day together.
I can barely muster up a meal.
How am I gonna cope
while he wastes his time for three years?
You've absolutely no idea
where he could have gone?
If he's not down at Mrs.
Ali's getting two pints of milk,
I don't care.
(tense music)
(moans)
Miss, I think he's coming to!
Jesus!
It's so he doesn't recognize me
and point me out in a lineup.
Well, what about me?
Well, he's already seen you, remember?
That's not good.
Yeah, but he's seen you as
well, for years as your husband.
I think I stand a better chance
when he presses charges for kidnapping.
We'll just have to make sure
he's not in any fit state to
press anything then, won't we?
How you gonna do that? Blackmail him?
We'll just have to see
how the day progresses.
"How the day progresses?"
I'm not spending my whole day in this hole!
You, young man, will spend
the day wherever I choose,
however I choose, doing whatever I want,
for as long as I want.
Otherwise, that video goes viral.
Do I make myself clear?
Bloody hell!
Yeah.
"Yes, Miss."
What?
You say, "Yes, Miss, I understand."
Yes, Miss, I understand.
- Good.
- Right, so ask him then.
(chuckles) No, you're
the one doing the asking
because, as you say, he might recognize me.
Look, he's gonna
figure it out either way,
because you, as his
wife, are the only person
with any reason to be
interested in the reply to:
"Why are you shtumping that floozie Jess
behind your wife's back?"
Get in there and make
sure you press record!
Uh! Give that to me!
I was just checking
if there was a signal.
Now, get I there, threaten him
and scare him until he confesses.
Scare him? How?
It's already pretty dark down here.
Oh, so I just jump out of
the shadows and say "boo?"
Oh, no, you idiot, use your initiative,
stuff you learned at
school like physics and DT.
I mean, there's plenty of stuff here
that will scare the crap out of him.
Look. What about this knife?
In the dark he'll think it's real.
(knife swings)
But it is f*cking real!
Ah, fine, we'll threaten
him with a can opener then!
Just go!
(tense music)
Right, I wish to point
something out to you, Mr. Denby,
that if I remove your
gag, you agree to be calm
and truthfully answer
the questions I put to you.
What the f*ck! What's all this?
Are you f*cking crazy?
Untie me right now
or I'm gonna dine out
on your f*cking raw nuts,
and not in a g*y way.
Do you f*cking know who I am?
Just answer a couple of
questions and I'll let you go.
f*cking hell. I'm gonna
f*cking kick your teeth in!
Well, that might be quite difficult
seeing as I've tied your feet to the chair.
What the f*ck do you want, moron? Money?
Keys and wallet are in my jacket pocket.
But you better be quick,
'cause I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you!
Just say that you David
Denby are the adulterer
and that you're sleeping with that Jess
behind your wife's back?
I'm gonna f*cking rip you to shreds!
You do realize I'm recording all of this?
(breathing heavily)
Who the f*ck are you?
Look, mister, just confess
that you were unfaithful to your wife.
And, where are you hiding the money?
Where'd you get that permanent dumb look?
And if it was just a fling,
then as part of the forgiveness package,
you may retract the divorce proceedings!
f*ck off!
When I get out of here, I'm
gonna shove that so far up you,
there's gonna be an
unscheduled lunar eclipse.
Do you want me to turn nasty?
Are you the muscle?
I should be all right.
Look, just confess
that you were unfaithful,
sleeping around with random women and...
I'll sleep with whoever I choose.
Women want me, men want to be me,
and everyone else wants to sleep with
the women I've slept with!
So what makes you think
you can get away with
this pathetic bullshit?
Personally, I have my doubts.
But if you don't co
operate, you will suffer.
Suffer what?
- Pain.
- Really?
Pain that you in your wildest
dreams wouldn't imagine.
You've been watching too much YouTube!
Well bring it on arsehole,
let's see what you've got!
I don't watch YouTube!
Look, if you don't give me
the information I've asked for, then...
Then what? You'll report
me to the headmaster?
It's her, isn't it?
Yeah, it's that b*tch ex of mine!
She's got a student with a crush on her
doing her dirty work for her.
You're in love with Miss, are you?
You wank over her do you?
Her of the fierce eyes
and the prodigious behind.
Well, she's no great shakes
in the flesh, believe me.
- Miss!
- How dare he!
Miss, calm down.
Look, he's not giving us anything.
This whole thing is messed up.
We're gonna get caught.
And as you know, I'm not having much luck
with getting away with
stuff at the moment, so...
"Only if you quit have
you failed," who said that?
Some wise guy, I guess.
So lets just stick to the plan!
Is there one?
(knocking on door)
What was that?
I don't know.
The front door, I'd hazard.
Help! Help me down here!
Help! (Muffling scream)
Who could it be?
How should I know?
(knocking on door)
Is it best we answer it?
Why? They don't know we're down here.
What if someone's come
to check if everything's okay?
Maybe they heard noises or something.
Okay, you go, but no funny business.
Don't you try anything!
No signals, don't breathe a word.
I'll be here where I can hear you.
What do I say?
Like you learn in
class, use your initiative.
And you'll be okay?
He can't touch me.
No! What I mean is
don't do anything rash.
Go!
(suspenseful music)
(banging on door)
Hiya!
Julia?
- Uh...
- I've come for the money!
I think you've got the wrong house.
(sniffs)
I may be blind,
but I know this is Julia's
house and you're not her.
(sniffs) Who are you?
I'm Justin.
She pledged 50 bar.
I'm sorry, but I'll see...
I mean, I'll set up a
regular standing order
for your Blind Institute.
Listen! I'm not collecting for these.
I'm collecting for this.
The switch.
Eh?
You know, "Dog Day Afternoon."
Though I'm keeping some
bits and adding udders.
What are you on about?
Listen, meanie, I've done my bit
running the 5K breast cancer fundraiser.
You're helping to
get rid of breast cancer,
but you want your own breasts?
See! Mosquito bites and
I want centerfold jubliees
I detest being seen as a muscle bulky queen
who talks to teddies at night for comfort.
Now give me the money!
Jesus! Right, stay there,
I'll go and ask my auntie.
Miss, he's a blind trans-something
and wants 50 quid for the op.
Well, get rid of him.
Well, the woman who lived
here promised to sponsor him.
(scoffs) Unbelievable!
Whatever medication they're giving him
to keep his willy in his
pants, it's wearing off.
He might tell on us!
(struggling)
Here's 50 quid, but you owe me!
Thanks. Have a nice day.
We'll see. Oh, sorry.
You could have given us
away with that stupid nonsense.
Look, you need to learn
to be a bit more hardcore.
Denby's never gonna
give away his dirty deeds
unless you up the ante.
What? Like hooking that
car battery to his testicles?
Why not?
Unless you can think of a better way
to extract information from him.
I don't know ways of
extracting information
out of him or anybody!
It's not exactly a homework exercise.
Pass me that box.
Mm-hmm.
- Miss!
- Got it! Marathon man!
- What?
Make him run 26.21 miles
and tire a confession out of him?
(sighs) Now You're taking the piss.
Olivier? Hoffman?
Oh, the film?
You want me to remove his molars?
Well, just threaten him
with the pliers or something,
or maybe like that scene
out of that Bond film?
Strip him naked
and smack his underside
with heavy duty ropes?
Oh, I don't know.
Well, how did the
Americans extract information
out of the Al Qaeda in
Abu Ghraib, or the Taliban,
or any other f*ck that
they think is a t*rror1st?
I don't know!
That's CIA operative sh*t,
and I don't think we're
somehow at DEFCON 2 here.
Anyway, I'm a school kid for Christ's sake.
Oh, just do something
that looks menacing,
I don't know,
like that ear removal scene
from Reservoir Dogs, hmm?
A hacksaw, you must have
used one of them in DT.
Not to hack some poor bleeder's ear off!
Oh, it's just to scare
a confession out of him.
Anyway, why do you think God blessed us
with two of everything, hmm?
Not so one body part could
lie discarded in the gutter.
Ugh, you're a wuss.
There you go. Oh.
Go on then.
(sighs)
(tense music)
So, what are you gonna
do pull out my toenails,
slice off my n*pples, or crush my ba*ls?
You'll talk.
Or how about you grab the cheese grater,
add some salt and pepper,
grind off something sexy!
All in good time.
I think I'll start with your ears.
Look, moron, there's
nothing you can do to me
that I haven't already done to myself.
Okay, so just confess your affair,
the amounts and banks
where you've hidden the money,
agree to give Miss
Bushnell half, and it's over.
Nice one, idiot!
Look, just cut me loose
and I won't k*ll you or her!
I promise.
Just own up, man.
Cough up and you walk away.
Look, whatever your name is, twat,
she doesn't know what she's doing.
You broke her heart.
That cut is the deepest.
Down here no one can hear you scream!
And would you like me to tell the police
when they storm this place,
"These are not the two idiots you seek."
Ah!
(laughs)
You'll be begging for
mercy once I'm done with you.
Okay, well, why don't you let me go
and...
We can come to an agreement, man to man.
That woman's never satisfied.
[Barbara] Because you never could.
Maybe I'll ask Jess if she
is, right before I k*ll her.
Look, Miss, I'm handling it.
Don't say stuff like that!
What? Are you gonna
shave me now, which part?
At least Jess's bits
aren't artificially supported.
Most of you is heading south!
Jesus, that's a new look.
How dare you!
What, so I'm damaged
goods now, you b*stard!
And you Barbara, are a
pathetic, repulsive individual.
You stupid woman!
This is aggravated as*ault and kidnap,
at least 10 years inside
for you and wank boy here.
These are not the
many faces of me, David.
This is just the face of a
woman pushed over the edge.
[Ben] Miss!
Why are you so hell-bent on
destroying everything we had?
You make me sick.
Did you ever believe in marriage?
I have my own beliefs.
A marital vow is between
one man and one woman.
As the bible says, "Man
does not live by bread alone."
I'm not gonna use scripture to shame you.
Here! Smack the bender hard so he shuts up.
Bender?
I thought you wanted him to open up?
We need to retrain his thinking.
Marriage has a sell-by
date, an unhappy-by date,
or in your case, a get-rid-by date.
What happened David?
What made you bring someone else
into our blissful relationship?
Ask your psychiatrist.
Get used to it woman!
People fall out of love, out of marriage.
They get bored of long term commitment,
or, in my case, being
driven up the f*cking wall.
Every relationship has a
little bump now and again.
This is a bump?
Look its no excuse for a divorce David.
Marriage means long term
commitment and responsibility.
How come, 18 years to the day,
I still feel the same
way about us, but you...
You've never cared about me!
Is that why we never had kids?
Well, maybe because
you couldn't have any kids,
but it was more your suspicious stare.
My stare?
Like a f*cking laser
always in your sight.
I wasn't a husband, I was a mark!
I think hell might have been a release.
Oh, so your solution was
to hide between the boobs
of a woman whose boobs
are bigger than her head.
The lord lit my path.
Not to her bed he didn't, you arsehole.
This bullshit's gonna drive
you even further up the wall.
Why don't you set me free like I did you?
No one's going anywhere,
not till I get what's owed to me.
Seriously? You think you two can hold me?
You're not going
anywhere this time, David.
Here, I'm gonna put this key
somewhere you haven't
been for a very long time.
This is wife 2.0, better get used to it.
Look, Miss, none of this is right.
Before we all get in any
deeper, just let him go!
You want me to release that video?
You do that and I'll go to the police!
No! No, you can't go to the police!
(chuckles)
Oh no, You wouldn't
want the police involved,
would you, Mr. David Denby?
After all, you embezzled all that money
from Micklegate Estate Agents,
leading them to bankruptcy,
setting up his own very
lucrative chain of Estate Agents
in the process.
In fact, the most successful Estate Agents
in the north and Berwick Upon Tweed!
[David] You didn't mind purring
around in the Range Rover.
(doorbell rings)
Gag him!
Help me! Help!
[Barbara] Here, stick this in your ear.
Don't breath a word unless
I tell you exactly what to say.
I'll be waiting for you on the stairs.
You have a problem.
And I mean today, now, not tomorrow.
The reason this house isn't selling?
Immigrants, they're becoming landlords
and filling empty properties with migrants,
driving the house prices down
and creating ghettos, ghettos!
I mean, do you want h*m* kissing
under that lamp every evening?
Can you hear me?
(earpiece buzzes)
Yes.
Really?
I want you.
Me?
Yes, we've got our faithful,
but your support we need,
the undecided, the dilly dallier,
the wavering fools who haven't got a clue
what they really want,
but they do know they
don't want a gypsy campsite
where they should be a school playground
or a mosque for the local
corner shop. (Chuckles)
I'm not getting you. (Radio crackling)
Not to worry, I have
leaflets in Gujarati, Mongolian,
Polish, Serbo-Croat, and English.
You won't get that from the other parties.
Won Ton?
Oh no, that's my weekly
take away treat. (Laughs)
Stop acting like a ret*rd.
Just say, "Sorry, I can't..."
(static drowns out Miss)
Sorry, I can't walk.
Oh, I am here for
you, my disabled Friend.
Stop talking out of your behind!
Stop talking out of your behind.
Say, "Now is not a good time."
(radio crackling)
Your nose is not a good sign.
I like it, yeah, sh**ting from the hip.
(imitating g*nf*re) Anti-left, anti-right,
don't put a label on me or my manifesto.
Oh, yes, my goal is to support
the opinions of good people like you.
Not so hasty!
[Barbara] Just tell
him you're busy, please.
You're the bees knees.
Well, it has been said...
But we have some serious issues.
Short term, longer term.
Looks like rain, may I come inside?
[Barbara] No we're decorating.
No, no, we're mating.
Aw, lovely. What pets do you have?
Why do you need to know?
You said you were mating.
Or did you mean dating?
- What are you doing?
I can't hear.
Aw bless, you can't walk, you can't hear,
can you even vote? (Laughs)
So go on hit me with
your issues and I'll leave?
The moral culture of this
country is a burning and...
(radio crackling)
You're the whoring
vulture of the century,
undeserving of my used toilet tissue.
Come on! Tell me what
really gets your goat?
People barging in uninvited.
Exactly!
Ha, yeah foreigners, migrants,
polish sausages and the like.
Yeah, used to be the
browns, and the blacks,
but now it's the Eastern
Europeans and the new boat people.
I'll tell you what.
Anyone who's not on my
spectrum of color or heritage
should be sent back.
How can you send someone back to a place
if they've never been
there in the first place?
You're just being r*cist.
I beg your pardon?
I integrate with all nationalities!
Take my car for example.
The Afghans fix my punctures,
the Somalians fill it with petrol,
the Bosnians clean it and
the Indians do the MOT.
Not gonna tell you who nicks it?
And, and I like curly hair.
Yeah, my youngest daughter has curly hair.
And that makes it right?
Were you even born in the UK?
Take a guess, wise man.
(laughs)
So, have I got your vote?
No! You can't have
mine or anybody's vote!
I would support any
law that allows residents,
to get rid of people like you
from darkening their
front doorsteps ever again.
18 years to the day, eh?
Can't say I remembered,
but I certainly celebrated
my freedom last night
and this morning with a friend.
Happy Anniversary David!
I would've preferred a card!
I was saving this for later,
but seeing as though you're
in the mood for confessing.
[Ben] Be careful, Miss!
f*cking maniacs!
We've got him. He's broken.
Now grill the b*stard.
- It's out.
- What?
The gas!
I don't get why you two
were married in the first place.
There's never been anyone but David,
even though he's got a tiny p*nis.
I'm a grower not a shower.
[Barbara] You've got a
raisin that turns into a peanut.
p*nis! (Sighs)
Oh, but there has never been anyone else.
Remember our first opera night,
when you bought me four
different flavors of ice cream
so I wouldn't be disappointed?
I was though, when you ate all four tubs.
You used to be so much fun.
Remember when we first
met at Claire's wedding bash
and we bumped bums to the Monster Mash?
Ironic.
But,
you just stopped caring, David.
You were my lover, my
friend, and my confidant.
You even used to make me laugh.
But then you had to blow
it all by bossing me around
and cheating on me,
and then sending me those divorce papers!
You're an evil, horrible man!
And you're a crazy woman taking advantage
of this ginger disabled kid.
Hey, I'm not...
You're unbearable!
You're a psychotic, manipulative b*stard
who uses and abuses
people for your own benefit.
And you're not crazy,
tying me up in this sh*t h*le?
Oh, just sign the amended
divorce agreement, David,
or the ginger kid gets nasty.
(text notification chimes) (dramatic music)
(keys typing)
I've had enough of this pussyfooting!
[(camera clicks]
- Excuse me for saying so, Miss)
All very dramatic,
but, one, whoever you're
going to send the photo to
isn't gonna recognize him
under that big brown bag.
And two, who are you
going to send the photo to?
Because the person with
the money is in this room,
in fact, tied up.
Very good. Clever clogs!
Miss, I get that you're hurt,
but you two need to sit around a table,
not a set of torturing tools.
Has he bought you, Ben?
- No, Miss, I swear.
- Fine.
Well then, you better lay it on thick
or you can kiss your career at uni goodbye.
No! I'll do it!
If I don't go to uni,
I won't get my apprenticeship with Jaguar.
I need the money
so I can pay for my
step dad's treatment in America.
If not, it will be too far gone.
I don't want to lose him too.
Well then, you better hurt the b*stard
the way he's hurt me.
What are you gonna do
with that lot? Pitch a tent?
Well he's hardly gonna
manicure your nails.
You got nothing!
Nothing to threaten me with!
I'll use this on each thumb and finger
until you tell us what Miss Bushnell wants.
You think I'm scared?
I was a reservist in the SAS.
Everybody cracks eventually.
Like a nut?
Do you know the longest anyone's held out?
With this method?
- Seven.
- Minutes?
Days you idiot.
But I held out for eight
days, force's record.
And, as it happens, my
record in the bedroom with Jess!
(mug shatters)
- Miss!
What the f*ck, Miss?
You just missed smashing his skull in!
Yeah, sorry, my aim
isn't what it used to be.
If you k*ll him, you get nothing.
Like we agreed, I'll do the dirty work.
You, my boy, are doing jack sh*t,
just pansying around, and
you've got nothing out of him,
while he's completely
making a fool out of me. (Scoffs)
Let's see how you keep shtum,
if I feed your fingers through this.
f*ck off! Jess loves my fingers.
Miss, no! I've got this.
Just back off, please!
No! I'll make him squeal.
You better!
Oh.
Ben!
We need a radically different approach.
The things we've tried so far
have barely even scratched the surface.
We need to totally humiliate him.
Look, Denby is incredibly h*m*,
so I reckon if you do a
little lap dance for him
and make him think that you're
going to anally probe him...
What? Using that massive
elephant c*ck you've got there?
Oh, and maybe I should dress
myself in some PVC underwear
and have a complete blowout.
That's my boy, thinking outside the box.
I love it!
We need to mind f*ck him hard.
And if you whisper kiss him,
that will tip him completely over the edge!
And I'll be here to take the pictures.
(doorbell rings) (loud knocking)
Help! Help down here!
Not again.
It's like bloody Halloween
round here, ignore it!
But maybe it's the police.
Why would you think
that, unless you called them?
No, of course I didn't,
it just sounds urgent?
Oh, for goodness sake.
Oh, okay, you go and answer it.
I'll get your little outfit ready.
(door opens)
Look, I'm really annoyed at the moment,
not just because they've rejected our dowry
as being insignificant, but
because their attitude stinks.
I mean, their boy can't even speak
a second European language.
He is clearly not suitable for my daughter.
Tell your father I'll be back
for her in a couple of hours,
once I've sorted out this mess.
My father? Wait, no, no, wait!
You can't just leave her here.
No! It's the best place for her.
I thought to myself, "What better place
than the house of one of
my most regular patient."
The groom's family are so far up themselves
they'll never think of looking here.
Look, I'm, we're not,
you've got the wrong family.
Don't I know it, my friend.
You know, I blame my wife for all of this,
always so bloody impatient,
impressed by their bank statement,
whilst ignoring this
philandering fool of a boy.
I'm sorry, but you can't leave her here.
I'm not the son of...
b*stard, illegitimate,
I really don't care, okay.
The world has moved on.
I've been a GP for the last 30 years.
I've seen it all.
We tolerate such indiscretions.
I knew Mark was playing
shufty behind Julia's back,
hence the herpes he'll never recover from.
I'm sorry, but the bride,
but she can't stay here.
I've got a lot on at the moment,
and this is just inconvenient.
Hey, it wasn't inconvenient for me
when I was hiding your
father's indiscretions from Julia,
especially when he returned from
that debauched trip to Thailand
with more varieties of
STD than a cereal brand.
What?
Oh, and just one more thing,
my daughter does like to
have cheese and onion toasties
around this sort of time.
Other than that, you
won't get much out of her,
she's in silent bride mode at the moment.
I'll see you later, if I survive.
Jesus Christ!
Look, obviously your dad's
under a lot of pressure.
Well, I'm in deeper shh...
Anyway, I don't want to get in any deeper,
so please just stay here
and don't make a sound
until your dad gets back.
I've got a bit of a
situation in the basement
and I'm not sure I'm gonna
be able to rustle you up
a cheese and anything.
But I will get you some
food as soon as I can.
Where's the toilet?
No! No, you can't.
What?
Look, I need to be with
you when you need to go.
Excuse me?
What I mean is, just call me.
Under no circumstances
use the toilet, taps, flush,
or any kind of water.
Don't they work?
Where am I supposed to go?
I'll sort it, just call me.
How? I don't have a mobile.
Do you want me to bang on the floor?
No, no! Could you make a bird call?
A what?
You know, like the sound a bird makes
um, a pigeon?
Never tried that.
How about a cuckoo then?
Wrong time of the
year, but I might manage
a Greater Prairie chicken or a Canis Lupis.
Seriously?
Yeah, I did a gap year last year,
in the States on a farm,
before I start Veterinary School.
[Barbara] Ben!
Fine then, but only in an emergency.
You don't have a single
photograph of Ben, anywhere?
Not that sort of relationship.
Rock and roll is my
savior, tea is my drug, now.
I've got an out-of-focus
one of him on my phone,
but Ben wasn't really in to social media.
I might have to go to the police,
but they won't take it seriously
unless he's been missing for 48 hours.
We don't have a telly.
I listen to my radio.
I know Ben disappearing
is connected to our teacher Miss Bushnell,
and her husband David Denby.
Did Ben ever mention either of them to you?
No. Why would he?
He knows I'm not interested in school.
He should've left two years ago,
waste of time, where's it got him?
Nowhere but trouble.
You don't appear to care
much for your son, Mr. Hardy?
He's the carer.
He takes care of me, and I
haven't had a tea for two days.
(Lucy sighs)
- Who was it?
- Jehovah's Witnesses.
Bloody hell, you were quick.
Now strip.
- Why?
Seriously?
(Ben sighs)
There's a warning here.
"Sudden temperature change
will lead to abnormal
expansion of material."
(Geeta making bird call)
What the f*ck was that?
Probably the plumbing.
How, when the heating doesn't work,
and the only people that
would use the bathroom
are down here?
(Geeta making bird call)
Ah, that Ben, is the sound
of a Greater Prairie
Chicken, unique to the US.
What?
Look, I do run the after
school ornithology club,
but what the hell is it doing here?
That's what I'd like to know.
Maybe it's roosting in the roof.
Oh, don't be ridiculous Ben.
That bird strayed thousands of miles
from its natural habitat.
Haven't we all?
(howling)
What the...
A wolf now?
No, it's the chicken in pain, I think.
Hmm, I'd better go and check.
No, no, no, no, no!
I'll go, roofs can be dangerous.
Hmm, okay. Well, put this on.
Oh, Miss, please don't
do anything that I wouldn't.
That did not sound like an animal to me.
Shut the f*ck up!
What do you know about
animals, you monster?
You m*rder*d Hooch!
Come on. The police
confirmed that was an accident.
Oh, so the antifreeze
accidentally found it's way
into his bowl all the way from the garage.
Well, you insisted on keeping him
even though you knew I had a dog allergy.
Oh, to go along with your wife allergy.
Poor Hooch, he'd only just
celebrated his fourth birthday.
He'd love my hair long.
And most of that birthday
cake ended up from his arse,
onto my briefcase,
and it didn't stop there.
Well the vet checked him
out and said he was fine.
It's like you trained him
for these little t*rror1st acts.
Oh, so my dog was a canine operative.
Well, obviously no ba*ls,
terrified of the neighbor's cat.
Well he preferred hanging
out with male animals.
He was a g*y b*tch?
That explains it.
When he went missing
he was obviously off on
one of his marathon h*m*
dog orgies, dirty b*stard!
No! He was lost.
He got lost in the rain
and he lost all his little curls.
Coughing and howling all night.
Well, he was recovering in my bed.
Keeping me awake in mine.
Oh, so you gave him cheesy
bites soaked in antifreeze
for breakfast and m*rder*d him?
I think the authorities
would be more interested
in this little caper, rather
than the demise of pooch.
- Hooch!
- Hooch.
(howling)
For goodness sake,
will you stop that woofing
or howling or whatever it is?
A Greater Prairie Chicken being chased
by an American Gray Wolf.
Wolf? We didn't agree to a wolf.
That's what a Canis Lupis is!
You took too long.
Well, I've got a lot on my plate!
But nothing on mine.
I'm starving.
Where is my cheese to as tie?
Okay, I'll get room service
straight onto it, your highness. (Sighs)
(loud banging at the door)
Jesus Christ!
I hope you got the right amount,
because I don't do change, boy.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Another one making fun of my accent.
No, no, I'm sorry. I
didn't mean it like that.
Look, I haven't got all day.
It's 14 pounds 75, and a tip is compulsory
since I'm delivering the
food inside 15 minutes
and outside three miles.
Okay, just hang on a sec.
Auntie, did you order an Indian?
Chinese!
What?
Will the racism ever go away?
The food is Chinese!
- Really?
Just because I'm Indian means that
I can't deliver Chinese?
No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...
Just a minute.
You didn't tell me you ordered a Chinese?
That's because I didn't.
Tell them to go away.
(David moaning)
What?
Smells like burnt cheese though?
Really? They always get it wrong.
(tense music)
(plastic tightening)
[Mo] I haven't got all day, man!
Look, I'll be two ticks!
Miss, that bloke isn't going
away unless I pay him.
We're not eating Chinese!
(Geeta making bird calls)
I'll be 2 ticks.
And, Miss, put that down.
I'm sorry it's not what you expected.
Getting used to that today.
[Mo] Hey mister, you gonna pay me,
or you want me to come
inside with my baseball bat?
No! Absolutely not!
I'll be two ticks.
That's 80 quid you owe me so far, Ben!
Why me? Denby's the one with the money?
For that?
Looks like something
Pooch would do on my laptop.
Hooch!
I can't eat it!
Sweet chili Shrimp,
it's quite nice actually.
No, idiot, I've got an allergy.
You know my head swells
up like a Kardashian's arse
and I'll suffocate.
Should make for an interesting exchange.
Come on, eat up!
Confess, and then maybe
I'll get out my EpiPen
that I've been carrying
around like a dutiful wife.
(David coughing) (gasps)
Oh no, its prawns I'm
allergic to, shrimps are fine.
(sighs)
(lighthearted music)
I ain't doing no "Lady and the tr*mp."
Come on then.
Get on with the floor show Lady Gaga.
(Geeta making bird calls)
- I'll go and get it!
For goodness sake, will
you stop making that sound?
What are you so preoccupied
with in the basement?
Is it a hobby?
No, no. I'm catching up on some reading.
- Fiction?
- Is it?
Don't you know?
Um, it's mystery.
No doubt exciting.
It has it's moments.
Why the basement?
Well, all the houses in
this street have a basement.
What I meant was why
do you need to read it
in the basement?
It's for a project.
For school?
(sighs)
You could say the outcome
will affect my A level results.
Well, good luck!
I did mine when I was 16.
Clever kid!
Not clever enough to
get out of being married
to somebody I've hardly met.
Are you not at uni?
They agreed to it initially,
but then this morning
they changed their proposal
to lots of cooking and lots of kids.
I mean, my dad's trying to get me out of it
at the risk of upsetting his
sister and the whole tribe.
But I so want to be a vet.
What about you?
My stepdad Eddie's not
too keen on me going to uni.
He's ill.
Officially I'm his carer,
so it's pretty tricky juggling
that with the finances.
And your mum?
She's not with us anymore.
My real dad's actually Irish.
They met when mum was
based with the army in Belfast.
One day he just handed her
divorce papers over breakfast
and left, never to be heard of.
It affected Mum badly.
A year later they found a brain tumor.
Where she was going for
checkups she met Eddie.
Soon after he hit the bottle,
but she decided to stay
with him till her dying days.
Her whole family blamed
him and he blamed me.
And I thought I'd been dealt a bad hand.
But, Ben, it's the way you
play it that defines your future.
I told you on the phone,
we don't know which house
Mr. Denby went to value.
Surely you keep a
record of all appointments.
(scoffs) None of your business.
Well, I better go and
report it all to the police then.
Listen! Of course, we keep records.
Well sometimes David, I mean Mr. Denby,
puts them on his own phone
and they sync up with the company diary.
But for some reason on this occasion,
the two haven't synced up.
Could the appointment of been deleted.
You mean manually? (Laughs)
By someone here?
You tell me.
Well, I don't know.
The two haven't synced up, simple as that.
And I'm no techie.
- Obviously!
And his phone goes straight to voicemail
when you try calling?
- Yep. 16 times.
- Why?
Well, it's either out of network range
or its switched off.
Yeah, meaning what exactly?
That he can't answer it.
How astute of you.
Anything else the caller said?
Look, all I ever heard
from Mr. Denby's
conversation with the caller
was that there was a house up for sale
with another agent that wasn't selling.
Ugh, I need an address!
No idea!
I was about to powder my nose
and I heard him say "Green" maybe.
Yeah, is that a street
or a person's name?
How do I know?
You and Mr. Denby were
more than employee and boss
from all accounts.
(smugly chuckling)
Accounts only do the wages.
And like I said, I'm no techie.
But David and I were off to
the Caribbean to celebrate,
as soon as his wife
signed the divorce petition.
Not a trip to Butlin's then,
for a man seemingly on the breadline.
Hmm! (Scoffs)
I need the toilet.
Oh, see I told you,
you shouldn't feed him.
Now he's gonna pull some stunt
and we'll both regret it.
All right, I'll shackle him up tighter
than a Christmas turkey in Alcatraz.
Come on!
Here. Tape his eyes shut.
Why?
Well, he'll memorize the route.
To the bathroom?
(thudding)
Look, I know she's
forcing you to do this.
You seem like a nice kid,
just had a lot of sh*t thrown at you.
I can get anything you want, car, money,
first shag, anything you want.
Look, I know what you want.
You wanna go to uni.
Get out of that sh*t h*le council estate
you probably live on.
And I can help.
I know the dean of engineering
at Cambridge University.
I play golf with him.
He's got a terrible habit though,
he likes to wank in the bushes.
I've got photos.
So I can get you into Cambridge
without the usual entrance
criteria, guaranteed.
You can change your life.
Get some money, success.
You can be like me.
I don't wanna be like you.
Come on.
All right, you've got five
minutes, then I'm coming in.
- Oi!
- What?
You've got to pull my trousers down.
Ugh!
[David] And my pants.
[Ben] Really? (Sighs)
I did not expect to be doing this today.
There!
I've got another idea.
You seduce her, I'll take
photos bedroom, bathroom...
Oh, just get in there!
(tense music) (breathing heavily)
(farting)
(groaning) (farting)
I'm done.
You need to come in here and
untie me so I can wipe myself.
I'm not untying you or wiping you.
Well, someone has to or I'll chafe.
Yeah, and I'm not going to.
Well go get my ex!
Are you out of your mind?
I don't care how long
I've been married to him.
I'm not wiping his arse.
Well if somebody doesn't,
he'll stink the place out.
There's no ventilation down here.
Well, then you do it!
Oh, come on!
There's massive hygiene issues with that,
not to mention the smell.
Yours is an all-inclusive contract.
Just triple the toilet tissue
and stick it up your nose.
But...
(sighs)
(exciting music)
(swooshing)
(grunting) (groaning)
He's always been full of sh*t!
(David thuds)
Okay, I think that's it.
Okay...
Well, it says ultimate
t*rture on the box,
should sort him out.
Ugh, I feel like I'm in "Fifty Shades."
Right, so with the rod jammed up his arse
and him gushing like the
Trevi Fountain, what then?
We throw rings or coins at it?
He's not the only one who
needs to fess up, now, is he?
Shall we go upstairs?
(dramatic music)
You just can't stop cheating, can you, Ben?
I swear I was gonna tell you, Miss.
Just with you being
tied up with your ex and...
Oh, shut up idiot!
What does the girl know?
Nothing, she thinks I'm
doing a project in the basement.
Her Dad's due to pick her up at any time.
She'll be gone.
She won't know about you
or anything here, I promise.
Hmm.
(tense music) (door creaks)
Oh my God. Who's done this?
Oh, you poor man.
It's disgusting.
(David grunting)
They deserve to be lynched.
(David speaking muffled)
Oh, what is the world coming to?
It's so disappointing.
Your getup is not even a peck on the cheek.
This is the biggest c*ck block
this side of a sex change op.
(David squeals)
You'd have to have all orifices entry
to even get me to third base.
(groaning)
(David moaning)
Oh you're gonna enjoy this. (Laughs)
Now for the job in hand...
(David moaning)
I got ten years of pleasure down here,
before going up to the high street.
Got mold on the
right-hand side of me p*nis.
(David squealing)
Hope you don't mind,
I've come back for this.
I've adjusted it correctly
so it's half a turn anti-clockwise.
Give him a lot of pleasure.
Whoa, nice getup.
(moaning) (panting)
Oh! Jesus Christ!
He wanted to k*ll me and wear my skin!
I got tap water coming out of my c*ck!
Right. Are you ready to confess?
Yes, I slept with Jess
from the first day she worked for me,
and I did it in the bedroom.
- Which side of the bed?
- Yours.
- b*stard!
- Brilliant!
I mean, sign here and we can all go home.
You're gonna pay for this.
By the time I've finished with you,
you'll wish you were a choir boy
performing solo for a priest.
I'll sign.
Jess and I are serious
about being together.
She means a lot to me.
What, more than I did?
Please don't answer that!
Of course!
She means way more than you ever did.
f*ck, now you've done it.
There's not even a sleeping bag down here.
And now I'm gonna k*ll you!
Miss! Miss, he's gonna sign!
You've got his confession!
Fine. Untie his right hand.
That's his left, you idiot!
Right, just sign here, mister.
You committed adultery
and that's the grounds of the divorce.
Oh, I forgot to dot the I.
But you never dot your...
Ow! f*ck!
Why the f*ck would you use
something as lethal as a fountain pen?
It's all I had, school rules.
We're not allowed anything else.
Ball points make your handwriting suffer.
Yes, well now my hand's suffering
because of your stupidity.
Yeah, and what about
you cooking up this plan
without thinking past the cricket bat?
Arsehole, sleeping with
a girl less than half his age,
it's disgusting.
All that matters now is
I'm gonna k*ll the b*stard.
No! Like I said, if you
k*ll him, you get nothing.
He still needs to sign
the amendment to his will
and tell you where he's stashed the money.
Hang on.
(ominous music)
That's one mean f*ck!
I forgot I had this.
I found it in the school vegetable patch.
He's scared sh*t less of spiders.
I don't think you should
do anything with that,
but it looks pretty dangerous.
Danger's what we've been missing here.
But don't worry, I think it
looks worse than its bite.
It bites?
Well, only a little prick,
but that's quite suitable for Denby.
Actually to scare him even more,
I'm gonna put it on his knee.
No! No, you can't!
Why? Do you want to earn an A+?
No, what I meant is you
can't put that on his leg.
How do you know it's not venomous?
Of course it's not, dummy.
It's just big and hairy.
It's gonna scare him into
telling us where the money is.
Or he'll be dead before he can say,
"Here's the pin code to
my secret Swiss account."
(phone chimes)
"Jess", 25 missed calls, eager b*tch!
Let's see how little miss perky t*ts
and her shitty little handbag dog react
to seeing her lover all trussed up.
Send!
- No!
That's brilliant, Miss, did
you really have to do that?
Oh, shut it!
Now you can sign the
amendment to your will,
meaning that however you
die, accidentally or otherwise,
I am the sole benefactor.
If I sign that,
your remote ginger monkey is gonna k*ll me.
If you release me, I
could draw up a new one.
So I'm guessing you're gonna k*ll me.
Are we?
Only if he doesn't transfer the money.
Ben! The mangle.
When are you two f*ck wits gonna realize
I can soak this up till Christmas?
Oh, shut the f*ck up!
Just leave it out
I've been handling sh*t all day.
In fact, I've been
handling sh*t all my life.
I've been bullied, tormented,
humiliated by people
By people like you!
You dirty, nasty piece of sh*t.
Now's my time to change
that, because I wanna go to uni!
Now, sign the f*cking papers!
All right, I'll sign!
Stop cutting me to f*cking death!
(phone chimes)
Ugh, perv.
Ugh, onto the next.
Playtime's over, David.
This is hurricane Barbara.
I need to know where the money is.
What the f*ck, Miss?
He's already signed
the paper, let's just go!
I know you've got money
hidden in offshore accounts.
I want my share.
My legs are numb.
You need to loosen the ties.
Don't listen to him, it's a trick.
I'm telling you, the
circulation has gone in my legs.
I need to stand up.
It might be DVT.
He has been sat down a long time.
(banging)
What the f*ck
Did you leave the front door open?
No! Of course, I didn't.
What if the owners have
come back early or something?
Well, then we'd all be in deep sh*t,
so you better go up there
and make sure that's not happening!
- Why me?
- Because, Ben,
your Prairie Chicken might
have come home to roost!
Get up there!
What about my legs?
[Ben] Oh sh*t!
(door creaking)
- Well?
- Just that bloody politician.
Oh. Has he gone?
Probably not too far.
What have you done to him?
What? Oh, nothing.
I threatened him a couple of times,
went to get my bag, and
when I got back he'd dozed off.
Hang on, why has Denby got an erection?
Well, I have been
standing pretty close to him,
but he's never been that big.
(sighs) b*stard, he's
probably dreaming about Jess!
No, Miss! Miss, wait.
He's, (gasping) he's not breathing.
Meaning?
Well, what does it usually
mean when you're not breathing?
It means he's frigging dead!
Your ex is now an ex ex.
But I never touched him!
(dramatic music)
The spider's escaped.
That thing must've been the
Brazilian wandering spider.
What?
AKA one of the most
venomous f*ck in the world.
It says here it came over
with a shipment of bananas.
But he can't be dead.
Look, he's still got a stiffy.
That thing escaped into the woods
and k*lled all the male squirrels,
leaving them with erections,
before clearly wandering
into our school veg patch.
Oh, thank god it didn't
bite any of the children.
Well, yeah, but it bit your husband.
Well, surely there's an antidote!
Oh, f*ck me! Why didn't I think of that?
I'm sure the guys who
lived here kept a spare vial
of antidote just in case the rarest,
most lethal spider known to
man either side of the equator
just happened to stroll in for a bite.
This could count against your final mark.
What? This is my fault?
Well, couldn't we just leave him here?
I mean, he could have got bitten
when he came down to do
the measuring up or something.
I don't know.
Seriously?
Miss, there's enough evidence down here
to put us away for life.
But we didn't k*ll him!
No, we just tied the poor b*stard up
and threatened him with all kinds of sh*t
before letting loose a
poisonous frigging monster spider.
Well, we need to hide him.
Don't you know anyone that could help?
No. No co-conspirators or witnesses.
The less people involved the better.
What, because you'd
have to k*ll them later?
No! No more k*lling.
Jesus, we're f*cked.
You don't know that.
I mean, maybe there
won't be a public outcry
at the death of Denby.
I mean, after all,
he's just a b*stard cheating estate agent,
and a boring magistrate.
What?
Well, only part-time, because he serves
on the board of a
couple of local charities.
Oh, brilliant!
Yeah, he's patron of the
Police Widows Foundation.
And are you sure he doesn't have
a Nobel Prize tucked away somewhere?
Well actually, he has
got an MBE from the Queen
he got a couple of years ago.
Well that blows my
chances of ever going to uni.
What am I gonna do?
Well, maybe we could
just take him to the hospital
and leave him on the steps or something.
I don't... (loud knocking)
Really?
Ben, go and see who it is.
Why me?
Well, because I'm not gonna get it.
He's clearly not gonna get it.
And who does that leave?
Right, okay.
Under no circumstances let anyone in.
(tense music)
(knocking on door)
Jesus Christ!
Not quite there yet, but thank you.
I've not got time for this.
Not until you've explained
why you are pretending to be disabled
and you're trafficking women?
What?
Do you want me to call the police?
The Commissioner for
West Yorkshire happens to be
a WhatsApp buddy.
Oh, of course he is.
Now, I was doing my neighbourly rounds...
From the bottom of our garden?
When I saw you giving
money to that blonde woman.
No, you've got this all wrong!
I saw you haggling with
that contraband smuggler,
with her customers, her
sex perverts, migrants,
all leaving here with a
big smile on their face
and a sex toy.
I don't know what you're on about.
That's exactly what I've
been trying to eradicate
from society, and its
happening here in our midst,
you peddling in disgusting trade.
Are you denying that you
brought in a sex sl*ve?
Oh, her! She's no sex sl*ve!
Oh, so she is here then?
(stuttering)
What's her name?
I don't know!
Does she even have a visa?
Well, how would I know?
This is exactly what I'm on about.
Now, why are you hiding her in the house?
She's a friend.
A friend? But you don't know her name.
Listen, sunny Jim,
16,000 people voted for me
and I know every single one of their names.
[Barbara] What's going on?
Who said that?
I didn't hear anything.
Either you really are severely disabled
or you're just trying to be far too clever.
[Barbara] Ben, get down here!
Just give me a break, Miss.
I knew it.
No, no you can't come in!
Have you any idea how
many times I hear that everyday?
Now I need to find out
what kind of a sex
ring you're running here.
Where is she, eh?
Is she in the basement?
No, no, she isn't!
Oh denial, yes.
Deny everything and
just hope it all goes away.
Look, you need to leave, or else...
Or else what? Hey?
You'll call the police?
Fine, I'll wait with you.
[Geeta] I'm starving.
There she is, you sl*ve trafficker.
I'm not a trafficker.
[Barbara] Ben! Get
down here right this minute!
What kind of a pervert party
you've got going on in your basement, Ben?
Just shut up and go!
I am not leaving until I've
ripped your little ring apart.
I'm gonna be a local hero.
I'm gonna be in the... (grunting)
(exciting music)
(groaning)
(heavy thud)
(groan)
What the hell's going on here?
It's all right, Miss.
I've got it all under control.
Of course you have.
Who is he, and why did you let him in?
He just barged in,
probably an asylum seeker.
Couldn't he seek asylum somewhere else?
Hmm, What's he got in his mouth?
Um, I think it's a translation aid.
So what were you planning
on doing with him then, hmm?
Well he can stay up
here, I'll keep an eye on him.
Mm-mm. We can take him downstairs.
He can keep David company.
But he'll be a witness.
(sighs) Not if you blindfold him.
But he'll hear everything.
(sighs) Then sort something out, idiot.
He's bleeding.
You better bandage his head too.
I need the loo.
(tense music)
(Joseph groaning)
[Lucy] You down there? Ben?
Uh, no.
I mean, just a minute, I'm on my way up.
[Lucy] What are you doing down there?
Uh...
What is going on?
Nothing!
Are you kidding me?
What are you doing in this house?
Let's call it. It's complicated.
Really? What are you hiding down here?
Where's Miss Bushnell?
I don't know.
Look, what are you on about?
You and Miss Bushnell!
What's going on between you two?
Nothing! She's my teacher like yours.
Look, I'm not stupid.
You've got the hots for her
and that's why you've been ignoring me!
No, you've got this all wrong, Luce.
I saw you two in the car park.
It was more than a student-teacher...
I'm telling you,
there's nothing going
on with Miss Bushnell,
I mean, not like what you think.
Okay, where is she?
Miss Bushnell? How would I know?
I heard her just a minute ago.
Well, she's not here now.
Really? So who's
behind the mattress then?
Nobody! Let's just go upstairs.
It's not healthy down
here, probably asbestos.
But its okay for you two
to have your secret rendezvous here.
And what does kinky Miss
get you to do, eh, Ben?
She likes to have her schoolboy dress up
and use these weird toys,
the kind of thing that I couldn't give you.
She promise you full marks in return, eh?
She is behind that mattress!
No, you've got this all wrong, Lucy.
Have I?
Well step aside then, if
you've got nothing to hide.
Come out Miss Bushnell,
otherwise I'll report you!
Not another blackmailer.
Look, let's just go upstairs.
Listen, Lucy, just listen for once.
You listen! How could
you go off with a teacher?
I didn't!
Does that dyscalculia also make you
so blind that you never see me?
I mean, you're so besotted
with Miss and her cleavage.
Ben, I really like you,
but you're too busy on
this crazy mission of yours
to notice what's right in front of you!
How did you know about the dyscalculia?
(sighs) Because I care!
Look, there's nothing
going on with Miss Bushnell.
I just got into a spot of bother
and she was helping me
out, and I was helping her,
and it kind of got out of
hand, well more than a bit.
And I'm sorry for being
a d*ck and cold and stuff,
but sometimes us guys think we can handle
everything that's thrown at us,
and I just shut myself
off thinking no one cares.
(Joseph groaning)
Ben! What the hell are you playing at?
You told me Miss Bushnell wasn't here.
I'm sorry, Miss.
I told you not to bring anyone down here.
[Geeta] Look, I know you
told me not to come down,
but I need to secure
this thing before it bites.
Who is she?
And what are you doing?
[Geeta] I've got the spider in my scarf!
[Barbara] Oh my God.
[Geeta] Whoa.
[Barbara] I wouldn't do that.
(gasps) Oh my God!
I think he's dead.
Ugh! Right.
Ben, get me some water
and baking soda right now!
I'm sure I saw that somewhere.
What's that got to do with anything?
- Here ya are.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
(suspenseful music)
(doorbell rings)
I'll go.
Lucy, go with her just in
case she tries to sneak out.
Oh, so now I'm the cheat?
Look! All of you go, I need
some peace and quiet now.
And stall whoever it is at the door.
I'm gonna need some time
if I have any chance of saving his life.
Fine
Come on, Ben, we'll have words upstairs.
(doorbell rings)
Yes?
- Oh, Jesus.
Look, I'm not even gonna
ask you who you are,
I know Mark's a dirty boy and
he's not gonna stop his habits
until his bits drop off,
but I'm just here to pick
up my daughter, okay?
Where is she please?
You might have to wait a bit I'm afraid.
What? Why?
Look, I need to get back to her wedding.
We've got the right boy now.
Basically they were just
trying to palm off their playboy
instead of the educated brother
that we met in the first place.
We're ready to go!
Yeah, yeah, sure.
She just needs...
What?
A few minutes.
(outfit stretching)
Scouts honor!
Listen, b*stard! What is going on?
Where's my daughter?
I want her here right now!
When you put it like that,
I'll just go and get her then.
Well, I've managed to prolong his life
by about 30 minutes, but he'll only survive
if we get him to the hospital in that time.
I had to use that foreign
blokes jacket to keep him warm.
And I thought I'd seen everything.
(somber music)
I need to make sure he's okay.
You stay right here
until I can get you back to your wedding.
(siren blaring)
Denby had this clutched in his hand.
What? It's his account
numbers and passwords.
He's giving it all to you.
Sometimes a man can
ultimately accept defeat.
(chuckles) No, not David.
He'd never give this up.
Well, when I whispered to him
that I can either leave him be,
or I can administer the patch
after sucking out the poison,
and prolong his life to get him to hospital
in return for the information,
he made the right choice.
But, how did you know?
I heard everything
through the heating vent,
and he sounds like an arsehole.
(laughing)
- Fair play.
What and then you sucked
the poison out of David's leg?
Oh, no, he did!
I really, really need a cup of tea.
I think I might have swallowed
some of that poison
with milk.
All right, Ben.
Hi, Dad.
Please!
(laughing)
Handy for understanding
how to love your kind
of different, eh, Ben?
(laughing)
Now, I'm sure we don't need to repeat
the seriousness of what's happened,
but what I can assure you
is that the consequences will be severe.
And did you, Miss Bushnell,
realize how long this had been going on?
Oh, look, I sincerely believe
that the mathematics exam
was an isolated incident,
and Ben has told me that
he suffers from dyscalculia,
so that would explain...
We're not referring
to the cheating incident.
Oh?
Do you recall when you
found the sticker on your bike?
Sticker?
"Do what's necessary and
what's necessary will be done!"
Yes, it was the same day
as I was served with my divorce papers.
You didn't realize it was Ben.
No. Ben?
Yes, but Ben was responsible
for more than just the
stickers on your bike.
(gentle music)
[Barbara] Don't forget your homework.
Thanks Ben.
- Cheers.
You look good.
Hold this for me, please, Miss Bushnell.
Yes, sure.
- I'll only be a jiffy.
- Mm-hmm.
Ben, you did all that for me?
To be honest, I just wanted
a level playing field for you.
My real dad left my mum
without telling her why.
I didn't think it would spin out of control
just the way it did
You all right?
I just don't get why
Miss Bushnell resigned?
She can do what she wants with her life.
What about you?
Miss Bushnell spoke to
them behind closed doors.
They said I can re-sit the exam,
I'd only be entitled to a
maximum 40% mark though.
That's fantastic.
If you pass your other exams,
you'd still get into uni.
I've applied to Nottingham.
So you can do Auto Engineering with me?
Honestly, Luce, I don't think
it's gonna be enough though.
I can't afford it with Dad and everything.
Hello, Mr. Hardy.
Oh no, not you.
I'd invite you in for tea
but we haven't got any milk.
Oh, don't worry, I won't be staying long.
You know, I was really depressed
before your son came along.
Yeah, he's an odd bloke.
We're on different planets
I think people have different
ways of communicating.
Sometimes people are a bit too shy
to say what they mean face-to-face.
What's the point of that?
Going round the houses?
Well, Ben's way of communicating
really motivated me into action,
so that I got what I justly deserved.
He really helped me.
You make him sound like a saint.
Alongside a modern day
Robin hood, I'd say. (Chuckles)
You know, my ex made
me feel so cheap and alone,
but Ben helped me see beyond that.
So, as his father, I'd
really like you to have this.
I can't take that, that's too much!
No please, it will help
Ben through University
and maybe help a bit
towards your treatment.
Could maybe buy a new fridge.
(giggles) If you like.
And, he likes fast cars, does he?
My boy?
- Yeah.
Okay then. Bye
Yeah, bye then.
(laughing)
So what are you gonna do
once you've got your degree then?
I was thinking,
I quite fancy having a
go at being a teacher.
(laughing)
Right, lets see what they've
been up to in this one then.
(radio bleeps)
Sarge, we got one of
those ill*gal workers again,
maybe one of those sex traffickers?
(radio bleeps)
Sarge says, bring him
down to the nick, gently.
(groaning) (upbeat music)
Livin' like a memory and turn past
Secrets that are here in my mind
It's just a shallow grave
And you'll find out again one day
How I turned the world into a lie
Oh baby please don't let them find me
Just let me play with
your heart for a while
I'll leave you in the night behind me
So let me play with
your heart for a while
If you would take my hand
I'd probably leave you there to stand
There's something being misunderstood
I can't tell you what it
is, but it's here in this kiss
When you are the
only one I'm thinking of
Oh baby please don't let them find me
Just let me play with
your heart for a while
I'll leave you in the night behind me
So let me play with
your heart for a while
Oh
Don't waste your 50 ways
But someone used 'em all today
I can't find a single way out
Like water in my hand
Feel like I'm sinking in the sand
Just trying to run away from your love
Oh baby please don't let them find me
Just let me play with
your heart for a while
I'll leave you in the night behind me
Just let me play with
your heart for a while
Just let me play with
your heart for a while
Let me play with your heart
For a while
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Ask the Cheat (2023)
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